UCSB  LIBRARY 


THE 


MANNERS  THAT  WIN 


Compiled  from  the  Latest  Authorities. 


'Whatsoever  you  would  that  men  should  do  unto  you,  do  you  even  so  unto  them. 


FORTY-FOURTH  THOUSAND. 


MINNEAPOLIS,  MINN.: 
BUCKEYE  PUBLISHING  COMPANY, 

1882. 


COPYRIGHT  BY  BUCKEYE  PUBLISHING  CO. 


HAYWOOD  &  KRUCKEBERG, 

PRINTERS  AND  BINDERS, 
MINNEAPOLIS,      -      MINN. 


PERRY  BROS  &  Co., 

ELECTBOTYPERS, 
MINNEAPOLIS,    MINN. 


"  Just  as  the  drilled  soldier  seems  a  much  finer  fellow  than  the  raw  recruit,  because 
he  knows  how  to  carry  himself,  but  after  a  year's  discipline  the  raw  recruit  may  excel 
in  martial  air  the  upright  hero  whom  he  now  despairing  admires,  and  never  dreams 
he  can  rival;  so  set  a  mind  from  a  village  into  the  drill  of  a  capital,  and  see  it  a  year 
after;  it  may  tower  a  head  higher  than  its  recruiting  sergeant." — BULWEB. 


TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 


PREFACE,  ....         5 

VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE,    -  -    7 

MANNERS  AT  HOME,  -          -                   15 

A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN,     -  21 

THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY,       -  -                             33 

INTRODUCTIONS,      -  51 

THE  SALUTATION,  -                                       60 

THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN,       -  ,  72 

LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CARDS,  -      87 

RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS,  103 

EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS,       -  -    115 

DINNERS  AND  DINING,.     -  141 

BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA,  -          -   175 

THE  WEDDING  DAY,  -          -         285 

AFTER  MARRIAGE,       -  ...    £07 

ANNIVERSARIES,      -  ...         213 

FUNERAL  AND  MOURNING  COSTUMES,  ....    225 

THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL,  -  ....  231 
WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE,  -  .....  241 

IN  PUBLIC  PLACES,  -                               -  256 

CONVERSATION,  -  -  279 
LETTER  WRITING,  -  -  ....  306 
MISCELLANEOUS,  -  ....  321 

THE  ART  OF  DRESS,  ....          339 

THE  TOILET  AND  TOILET  RECIPES,  -          -          .          -      368 

ALPHABETICAL  INDEX,     -  ....           495 


PREFACE. 


A  TBAVELEB  who  explores  a  strange  city  cares  little  for  vague  descriptions 
which  mention,  in  a  general  way,  stately  buildings,  galleries  of  art,  and  his- 
toric ruins  which  are  deserving  of  notice ;  what  he  wants  is  a  guide  book 
with  a  full  map  which  names  every  street,  and  points  out  every  locality  of 
interest,  and  which  tells  him  clearly  and  concisely  just  where  to  go,  and 
how  to  go,  where  the  best  hotels  are,  cost  of  carriages  and  guides  and  how 
to  find  them,  and  all  the  minute  directions  which  save  time  and  money, 
and  make  it  possible  to  avoid  mistakes.  A  manual  of  deportment  to  be 
useful  must  contain,  in  like  manner  specific  and  minute  directions  rather 
than  fine  discourses  and  glittering  generalities.  It  will  be  useful  as  it  is 
clear,  concise,  and  exact  in  matters  of  detail. 

This  book  makes  no  claim  to  originality;  indeed,  any  such  claim  would 
be  absurd  in  a  field  which  has  been  occupied  so  thoroughly  in  every  age. 
It  is  simply  a  careful  compilation,  made  from  the  latest  and  best  authori- 
ties, arranged  in  convenient  form  for  ready  reference,  and  supplied  with  a 
full  alphabetical  index,  which  makes  it  possible  without  vexatious  delay  to 
consult  it  regarding  even  a  trifling  detail,  or  to  decide  any  doubtful  or  dis- 
puted point.  The  principles  of  politeness  are  always  the  same,  but  customs 
and  forms  change,  and  even  those  who  have  grown  up  among  the  gently 
bred,  taking  on  their  good  manners  as  unconsciously  as  they  have  breathed 
the  air,  are  sometimes  at  a  loss  in  new  situations ;  while  those  who  have 
had  less  careful  home-training,  or  less  refined  surroundings,  if  ambitious  to 
acquire  winning  manners,  welcome  any  suggestions  that  make  the  difficul- 
ties to  be  overcome  in  any  degree  less. 


VI  PREFACE. 

It  is  a  matter  of  congratulation  to  the  latter  class  that  good  breeding  is 
no  longer  identified  with  frivolous  laws  of  etiquette.  No  rule  of '  society 
that  is  not  founded  in  sound  sense  can  exclude  those  who  have  merit  and 
ambition  from  the  best  society.  Even  the  etiquette  of  courts  is  no  longer 
strictly  conventional,  but  is  compelled  to  recognize  the  innate  dignity  of 
man.  The  laws  that  lend  to  social  intercourse  the  winning  grace  and  subtle 
charm  that  distinguishes  the  gently-bred  from  the  boor,  have  become  not 
only  clearly  intelligible,  but  may  be  defined,  explained  and  aughtt  by 
books.  It  is  no  longer  the  question  how  to  seem  to  be  a  gentleman  with- 
out being  one,  but  how  best  to  show  by  deportment  the  natural  impulses 
of  a  kindly  heart  already  full  of  all  that  is  gentle  and  manly.  The  school  of 
manners  is  not  a  school  of  hypocrisy ;  it  teaches  a  regard  for  the  rights  of 
others,  a  just  estimate  of  one's  own  character  and  powers,  and  above  all 
that  self-mastery  which  gives  such  a  vast  reserve  of  power. 

If  this  book  aids  any  young  man  or  woman,  who  is  ambitious  to  win  in 
society,  to  secure  a  knowledge  of  the  refinements  of  a  social  intercourse, 
based  on  manliness,  common  sense,  solid  attainments,  self-control,  purity 
of  character,  and  a  kindly  regard  for  the  rights  of  others,  and  helps  to 
banish  the  impression  that  good  breeding  is  a  mere  matter  of  laws  and 
elaborate  toilets  on  the  one  hand,  or  of  grim  austerity  on  the  other,  its  pur- 
pose will  be  accomplished. 


THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 


Few  to  good  breeding  make  a  just  pretense; 
Good  breeding  is  the  blossom  of  good  sense; 
The  last  result  of  an  accomplished  mind 
With  outward  grace,  the  body's  virtue,  joined. 

THERE  are  certain  sensible  social  rules  which  have  come  down  from 
one  cultured  generation  to  another,  and  have  stood  the  test  of  time.  These 
are  observed  in  the  best  circles  in  Europe  and  America,  and  are  to  society 
what  common  law  is  to  the  body  politic.  Of  these,  no  man  who  is  ambi- 
tious to  win  in  society,  or  in  business  life,  can  afford  to  be  ignorant  or  unob- 
servant. They  have  been  silently  adopted,  by  a  common  consent,  to  pre- 
serve social  rights,  protect  the  weak,  check  the  forward,  and  secure  exact 
justice  to  all.  Their  observance  is  more  than  an  attractive  and  desirable 
accomplishment ;  it  is  a  duty  each  owes  to  society.  There  is  not  a  single 
abiding  social  custom  that  is  not  a  moral  force.  The  practice  of  kindly  acts 
tends  to  soften  the  heart,  kindles  sympathies  that  make  men  and  women 
better,  and  lifts  society  to  higher  and  higher  levels.  There  are  grades  of  civ- 
ilization even  among  the  civilized,  and  the  "  best  society  "  is  that  which  is 
civilized  in  the  highest  degree.  Indeed,  no  "  set "  or  "  circle  "  that  does  not 
present  a  high  standard  of  manners  and  morals,  has  any  reason  for  exis- 
tence. The  true  lady  and  gentlemen  are  models  to  be  imitated,  not  pre- 
tentious humbugs  to  be  despised.  The  rules  of  etiquette,  are  not,  as  some 
ignorant  persons  suppose,  the  absurd  dictates  of  fashion.  They  are  observed 
because  they  have  been  found  to  make  contact  in  social  life  easier  and  more 


8  THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

agreeable.  Necessity  has  established  conventionalities ;  they  act  as  lubrica- 
tors and  lessen  friction.  They  are  mutual  concessions  in  a  multitudinous 
partnership,  and  enable  various  people  of  opposite  characters,  tastes  and  in- 
terests, to  meet  and  transact  with  comfort  and  pleasure  the  business  of  calls, 
dinners,  parties,  rides,  operas,  theatres,  and  all  that  go  to  make  up  gay  life, 
and  which  in  some  degree,  enter  or  ought  to  enter  into  all  life,  even  the 
humblest.  Scientists  tell  us  that  fluids  move  easily  because  each  particle  is 
round  and  polished,  and  society  is  comfortable,  agreeable,  and  profitable 
just  so  far  as  its  individuals  are  polished  gentlemen  and  ladies,  avoiding 
sharp  and  rasping  contact.  When  each  seeks  only  self,  it  becomes  a  mass 
of  grating  atoms. 

Every  custom  of  society,  which  has  any  claim  to  recognition  as  a  fixed  so- 
cial law,  has  a  foundation  in  solid  common  sense.  Indeed,  the  Golden  Rule 
itself  is  the  embodiment  of  all  etiquette.  "Whatsoever  you  would  that 
men  should  do  to  you,  do  ye  even  so  to  them"  is  the  very  essence  of  all 
courtesy.  The  grand  secret  of  deportment  is  the  desire  always  to  do  right. 
A  generous  thoughtfulness,  and  a  kind  consideration  for  the  feelings,  wishes, 
tastes,  and  even  the  prejudices  and  whims  of  others,  are  characteristics  of 
the  true  gentleman  and  lady  in  whatever  station  in  life  they  may  be  found. 

The  very  term  "gentleman,"  has  a  flavor  that  indicates  a  fineness  of  nature 
as  far  removed  from  effeminacy  on  the  one  hand  as  from  coarseness  and  bru- 
tality on  the  other.  The  ideal  gentleman  is  a  clean  man,  body  and  soul. 
He  acts  kindly  from  the  impulse  of  a  kind  heart.  He  is  brave  because,  with 
a  conscience  void  of  offense,  he  has  nothing  to  fear.  He  is  never  embar- 
rassed, for  he  respects  himself  and  is  profoundly  conscious  of  right  inten- 
tions. To  preserve  his  self-respect  he  keeps  his  honor  unstained,  and  to 
retain  the  good  opinion  of  others  he  neglects  no  civility.  He  respects  even 
the  prejudices  of  honest  men ;  opposes  without  bitterness,  and  yields  without 
admitting  defeat.  He  is  never  arrogant,  and  never  weak.  He  bears  him- 
self with  dignity,  but  never  haughtily.  Too  wise  to  despise  trifles,  he  is  too 
noble  to  be  mastered  by  them.  To  superiors  he  is  respectful  without  servil- 
ity ;  to  equals  courteous ;  to  inferiors  so  kind  that  they  forget  their  inferior- 
ity. He  carries  himself  with  grace  in  all  places,  is  easy  but  never  familiar, 
genteel  without  affectation.  His  quick  perceptions  tell  him  what  to  do 
under  all  circumstances,  and  he  approaches  a  king  with  as  much  ease  as  he 


THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE.  9 

would  display  in  addressing  a  beggar.  He  unites  gentleness  of  manner  with 
lirmness  of  mind ;  commands  with  mild  authority,  and  asks  favors  with 
persistent  grace  and  assurance.  Always  well-informed  and  observant  of 
events,  but  never  pedantic,  he  wins  his  way  to  the  head  through  the  heart, 
by  the  shortest  route,  and  keeps  good  opinions  once  won,  because  he  de- 
serves them. 

"  Of  the  highest  type  of  Womanhood,"  Calvert  writes,  "  may  always  be 
said  what  Steele  wrote  of  Lady  Elizabeth  Hastings,  '  that  unaffected  free- 
dom and  conscious  innocence,  gave  her  the  attendance  of  all  the  graces  in 
all  her  actions.'  At  its  highest,  womanhood  implies  a  spirituality  made 
manifest  in  poetic  grace.  From  the  lady,  there  exhales  a  subtle  magnetism. 
Unconsciously  she  encircles  herself  with  an  atmosphere  of  unruffled 
strength,  which,  to  those  who  come  into  it,  gives  confidence  and  repose. 
Within  her  influence  the  diffident  groAV  self-possessed,  the  impudent  are 
checked,  the  inconsiderate  admonished.  Even  the  rude  are  constrained  to 
be  mannerly,  and  the  refined  are  perfected,  all  spelled  unawares  by  the 
charm  of  the  flexible  dignity,  the  commanding  gentleness,  the  thorough 
womanliness  of  her  look,  speech  and  demeanor.  Her  sway  is  thus  purely 
spiritual, — a  regnancy  of  light  over  obscurity;  of  right  over  brutality.  The 
only  real  gains  we  ever  make  are  spiritual  gains,  a  further  subjection  of  the 
gross  to  the  incorporeal,  of  body  to  soul,  of  the  animal  to  the  human.  The 
finest,  the  most  characteristic  acts  of  a  lady  involve  a  spiritual  ascension,  a 
growing  out  of  herself.  In  her  being  and  bearing,  patience,  generosity, 
benignity,  are  the  graces  that  give  shape  to  the  virtues  of  truthfulness." 

This  .type  of  perfect  woman,  Solomon  describes: 

"  The  heart  of  her  husband  doth  safely  trust  her." 

"  She  will  do  him  good  and  not  evil  all  the  days  of  her  life." 

"  She  stretcheth  outlier  hands  to  the  poor;  yea,  she  reacheth  forth  her 
hand  to  the  needy." 

"  Her  husband  is  known  in  the  gates." 

"  Strength  and  honor  are  her  clothing." 

"  She  openeth  her  mouth  with  wisdom;  and  in  her  tongue  is  the  law  of 
kindness." 

That  men  and  women  fashioned  after  these  models  are  rare  is  unfortu- 
nately true,  but  any  approach  to  them  is  substantial  progress.  The  suppres- 


10  THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

sion  of  a  single  fault,  or  the  cultivation  of  a  single  kindly  impulse,  is  a  gain 
that  tells  not  only  on  individual  character,  but  on  a  social  circle.  He  who 
proclaims  a  truce  with  the  faults  of  his  fellows,  and  begins  in  earnest  to 
wage  war  against  his  own,  is  a  true  reformer,  and  the  world  would  lack  lit- 
tle of  realizing  the  millenium  if  all  who  people  it  would  enter  the  lists  to 
fight  against  the  foe  of  selfishness  that  dwells  in  their  own  hearts. 

By  the  cultivation  of  kind  and  generous  impulses  every  man  who  will 
may  become  a  gentleman ;  but  the  road  laid  down  by  the  rules  of  etiquette 
is  the  easiest  road  to  self-culture  in  the  direction  of  manners.  The  existence 
of  fixed  social  laws  makes  it  easy  for  men  and  women  who  have  not  been 
bred  to  the  best  usages  of  society,  to  master  the  knowledge  which  will  ena- 
ble them  to  move  in  the  most  cultivated  circles  without  embarrassment  to 
themselves  or  discomfort  to  others.  Experience  is  a  dear  teacher,  and  this 
generation  owes  thanks  to  the  past  for  social  laws,  to  secure  the  recognition 
of  which  in  early  centuries  may  have  cost  many  a  man  his  head.  Men  have 
met  in  society  for  centuries,  and  their  experience  has  crystalized  into  rules. 
Contact  with  men  in  society  teaches  the  same  lessons,  but  life  is  too  short 
and  the  age  too  busy  to  learn  by  so  tedious  and  painful  a  process.  Xo  man 
would  have  hand  or  foot  flayed  in  order  that  he  might  be  shown  the  marve- 
lous system  of  arteries,  or  the  curious  net  work  of  sensitive  nerves.  Books 

teach  him  more  quickly  and  painlessly. 

* 

There  are  few  men  who  do  not  value  good  manners.  Those  who  affect  to 
despise  them  most,  and  who  outrage  them  with  the  least  excuse,  are  really 
conscious  of  their  subtle  charm  and  power.  They  are  not  the  sign  of  effemi- 
nacy or  weakness,  but  the  ally,  the  very  right  arm  of  strong  natures.  "  And 
manners,"  said  the  eloquent  Edmund  Burke,  "  are  of  more  importance  than 
laws,  for  upon  them  in  a  great  measure  the  laws  depend.  The  law  can  touch 
us  here  and  there,  now  and  then.  Manners  are  what  vex  or  soothe,  corrupt 
or  purify,  exalt  or  debase,  barbarize  or  refine,  by  a  constant,  steady,  uniform 
and  insensible  operation,  like  that  of  the  air  we  breathe.  They  give  their 
whole  form  and  color  to  our  lives.  According  to  their  quality  they  aid  mor- 
als, they  supply  them,  or  they  totally  destroy  them."  And  a  later  philoso- 
pher, Emerson,  says:  "When  we  reflect  on  their  persuasive  and  cheering 
force:  how  they  recommend,  prepare,  and  draw  people  together;  how  in  all 
the  clubs,  manners  make  the  members ;  how  manners  make  the  fortune  of 


THE   VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE.  11 

the  ambitious  youth ;  that  for  the  most  part,  his  manners  marry  him,  and, 
for  the  most  part,  he  marries  manners ;  when  we  think  what  keys  they  are, 
and  to  what  secrets ;  what  high  lessons  and  inspiring  tokens  of  character 
they  convey,  and  what  diviiiiation  is  required  in  us  for  the  reading  of  this 
fine  telegraph, — we  see  what  range  the  subject  has,  and  what  relations  to 
convenience,  power  and  beauty.  *  *  *  The  maxim  of  courts  is  that  man- 
ner is  power.  A  calm  and  resolute  bearing,  a  polished  speech,  an  embel- 
lishment of  trifles,  and  the  art  of  hiding  all  uncomfortable  feelings  are  essen- 
tial to  the  courtier.  *  *  *  Manners  impress  as  they  indicate  real  power. 
A  man  who  is  sure  of  his  point  carries  a  broad  and  contented  expression, 
which  everybody  reads :  and  you  cannot  rightly  train  to  an  air  and  manner, 
except  by  making  him  the  kind  of  man  of  whom  that  manner  is  the  natural 
expression.  Nature  forever  puts  a  premium  on  reality." 

Even  in  the  coarse  light  of  expediency,  manners  are  of  the  highest  value. 
Lord  Chesterfield  declared  "  good  breeding  is  the  result  of  much  good  sense, 
some  good  nature,  and  a  little  self  denial  for  the  sake  of  others,  with  a  view 
to  the  same  indulgence."  As  "honesty  is  the  best  policy"  in  business,  so 
politeness  is  the  best  policy  in  society  and  in  life.  In  business  affairs  the 
secret  of  power  is  manners.  The  basis  of  manners  is  self-reliance,  the  source 
of  real  power.  Self-possession  begets  confidence,  and  is  the  free-masonry 
which  puts  men  at  once  on  dealing  terms.  Men  measure  each  other  when 
they  meet,  and  every  time  they  meet,  and  the  superior  in  manners  is  master 
of  the  situation.  In  the  first  impression  lies  the  advantage.  There  is  a  best 
way  of  doing  everything,  and  manners  are  happy  ways  of  doing  things.  He 
who  is  master  of  the  best  way  in  the  matter  in  hand  is  the  victor  at  the 
outset. 

There  is  no  escaping  tribute  to  manners.  No  armor  is  proof  against 
their  subtle  force.  Many  a  man  owes  his  fortunes  or  his  honors  to  his  fine 
address.  A  man's  success  in  life  is  proportioned  to  the  number  of  people  to 
whom  he  is  agreeable.  He  who  has  the  most  friends  and  fewest  enemies  is 
the  strongest  and  will  rise  the  highest.  A  genial  manner  disarms  envy,  and 
aid  comes  to  its  possessor  from  a  thousand  unexpected  sources.  Uncon- 
sciously, and  by  the  force  of  habit,  he  has  enlisted  a  host  of  sworir'allies, 
who  help  him  fulfil  bis  ambitions. 


12  THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

Men  seek  those  with  whom  they  can  be  at  ease ;  whose  manners  do  not 
offend.  The  young  man  who  starts  out  in  his  career  with  pleasing  address 
is  master  of  fortune  without  wealth  or  genius.  He  is  sought  after  and  invited 
to  enter  in  and  possess.  All  avenues  to  wealth  and  power  are  easily  open  to 
him,  and  the  prizes  of  his  life  are  laid  at  his  feet. 

And  if  manners  are  so  much  to  men,  they  are  much  more  to  women.  The 
Greeks  always  represented  Venus  as  attended  by  the  three  Graces,  and  there 
are  graces  of  manner  that  make  beauty  superfluous.  In.  every  circle  are 
women  gifted  with  the  greatest  personal  charms,  who  please  few,  while 
their  plainer  sisters,  whose  manners  seem  the  outward  tokens  of  an  inward 
beauty,  win  all  hearts. 

But  manners  are  something  more  than  helps  with  which  to  win  the 
prizes  of  life.  They  are  minor  morals,  and  civilize  men,  take  them,  out  of 
the  brute  state,  clean  and  clothe  them,  overawe  their  coarseness,  shame 
them  into  stifling  their  meanness,  and  teach  them  the  happiness  of  generous 
behavior.  They  check  and  control  with  gentle  sway.  The  obtrusive  retire 
and  the  rude  soften,  because  they  are  won  into  a  desire  to  reach  a  higher 
level  of  culture  and  life. 

Social  customs  protect  and  punish  where  law  is  powerless  to  reach.  The 
rude,  the  cynical,  the  restless,  the  frivolous,  the  quarrelsome,  the  over-bold 
who  crowd  into  hospitality,  the  talker  who  gives  his  society  in  nauseating 
doses,  or  fills  the  ears  with  his  private  woes — all  these  social  parasites  who 
give  nothing  but  take  everything,  public  opinion,  crystalized  into  good  man- 
ners, either  reforms  or  banishes.  Society  is  quick  to  judge  and  swift  to  pro- 
tect itself,  and  those  who  are  unwilling  to  yield  something  of  private  incli- 
nation to  the  general  good,  are  shunned  and  dropped.  Etiquette  is  a  wall 
which  protects  the  well-bred  from  those  who  would  be  disagreeable,  and 
keeps  the  rude  out  of  circles  where  they  would  be  awkward  and  miserable. 
Its  despotism  is  after  all  an  intelligent  kindness. 

There  are  Americans  who  regard  any  observance  of  the  rules  of  decorum 
as  effeminate  and  foppish,  or  a  servile  regard  for  senseless  rules  inherited 
from  effete  old-world  despotisms,  which  it  is  a  patriotic  duty  to  ignore  or 
outrage.  To  a  few  who  have  not  been  reared  to  familiarity  with  its  usages, 
etiquette  seems  a  dreadful  system  of  torture.  Others  regard  it  as  cold  formal- 
ity, or  charge  that  it  bases  social  rank  rather  upon  wealth  than  merit,  or 


THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE.  IS 

point  out  hypocrites  who  hide  villainy  under  the  varnish  of  plausible  man- 
ner, or  mourn  because  at  best  manners  are  superficial.  But  all  are  wide  of 
the  the  truth.  There  is  no  servility  in  courtesy.  There  are  strong  helpful 
natures  who  ignore  social  laws,  and  succeed,  not  by  reason  of  their  blunt- 
ness,  but  in  spite  of  it,  because  their  eminent  qualities  outweigh  their  faults. 
The  world  never  knows  how  much  higher  they  might  rise,  had  the  charm  of 
good  manners,  been  added  to  their  gifts.  Nor  is  etiquette  an  inheritance 
handed  down  from  the  courts  of  Europe,  and  tainted  with  caste  distinctions. 
American  society  at  its  highest,  has  rules  of  its  own,  which  adopt  what  is 
best  in  all  codes,  and  what  is  clearly  adapted  to  republican  needs,  and  it  is 
every  year  becoming  more  true  that  manners  rather  than  wealth,  decide 
social  rank.  Still  less  is  etiquette  a  system  of  torture.  It  is  rather  a  high- 
road in  which  people  once  familiar  with  it,  travel  with  infinite  ease.  To 
know  that  one  is  correct  banishes  all  anxiety  and  uncertainty,  and  with 
them  the  pain  of  awkwardness.  Etiquette  is  to  society  exactly  what  music 
is  to  dancers.  While  each  observes  the  time,  the  figures  are  all  grace,  har- 
mony, and  beauty,  but  suspend  the  music  and  what  chaos  and  confusion. 
Once  the  habit  is  established,  one  is  well-bred  as  easily  and  unconsciously  as 
he  keeps  time  to  music  in  the  dance.  The  observance  of  social  laws  does  not 
necessitate  a  cold  formality.  Warmth  of  manner  depends  on  feeling,  and 
kindness  is  all  the  more  attractive  if  beautifully  and  appropriately  express- 
ed. Nor  does  it  require  wealth  to  belong  to  the  best  society.  It  is  in  the 
method,  not  in  the  lavishness  of  hospitality,  that  its  charm  lies.  A  cordial 
courtesy  that  is  not  oppressive,  but  sits  lightly  on  giver  and1  receiver,  is  the 
perfection  of  entertainment,  and  costly  viands  and  rich  service  cannot  make 
up  for  want  of  taste  in  appointments  or  conduct.  It  is  true  that  men  some- 
times learn  manners  as  a  child  learns  prayers,  without  comprehending  their 
deep  import,  but  wise  men  and  women  are  not  slow  to  penetrate  disguises. 
Nature  is  bent  on  expression,  and  to  the  observant  the  body  is  all  tongues. 
There  appears  a  lurking  devil  in  the  eye,  or  a  tell-tale  tone  in  the  voice  that 
give  the  lie  to  kindly  words,  and  courteous  acts.  The  sincere  man,  whose 
impulses  are  generous  and  kindly,  is  easily  a  gentleman,  but  the  villain  who 
acts  a  part,  must  be  a  consumate  genius  or  the  fall  of  his  mask  will  expose 
him.  "  What  is  done  for  effect  is  seen  to  be  done  for  effect ;  what  is  do"he  for 
love  is  seen  to  be  done  for  love."  To  say  that  manners  are  superficial  is  not 


14  THE  VALUE  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

to  mention  a  fault.  "  Beauty  is  only  skin  deep."  The  color  of  the  rose,  the 
morning  dews  that  gem  the  meadows,  are  superficial,  but  they  charm  and 
refine  none  the  less. 

It  is  one  of  the  trite  sayings  in  which  the  world  delights,  that  kindliness 
of  heart  and  gentleness  of  manner  make  gentlemen  and  gentlewomen,  to 
whom  rudeness  is  impossible,  but  this  is  only  a  half  truth.  There  is  the  dig- 
nity of  the  peasant  as  well  as  of  the  prince,  a  dignity  that  comes  of  sincerity 
and  freedom  from  all  pretense.  The  humblest  man,  whose  life  is  crowded 
with  the  coarsest  work,  may  be  a  manly,  helpful,  protecting  man,  with  a 
loyal,  knightly  soul,  but  he  is  the  rough  diamond,  which  must  be  polished 
before  its  native  splendor  shines  out,  the  dull  lump  of  pure  gold,  which 
needs  to  be  wrought  into  graceful  forms,  before  its  use  and  beauty  is  dis- 
covered. 

Nor  does  learning  and  culture  exempt  men  from  the  necessity  of  conform- 
ing to  social  laws,  if  they  would  be  at  ease  in  society.  Gather  a  number  of 
excellent  musicians,  and  let  each  play  a  different  tune,  and  you  have  a 
worse  than  bedlam  let  loose,  but  set  each  instrument  in  tune,  and  what 
exquisite  harmony.  In  society  it  is  etiquette  that  sets  all  the  various  na- 
tures, for  the  time,  in  tune,  and  produces  harmony.  "  Politeness  is  good 
feeling  set  to  rule."  There  are  thousands  of  well-meaning  but  untrained 
people  with  the  best  wish  to  make  themselves  agreeable  who  never  succeed 
because  they  do  not  know  how.  Good  sense  and  kindliness  suggest  civility 
in  general,  but  in  contact  with  people  there  are  a  thousand  little  delicacies 
of  decorum  which  are  established  only  by  custom.  The  finest  nature  and 
the  most  generous  impulses,  cannot  make  graceful  habits.  It  is  only  by 
acquaintance  with  the  accepted  customs  of  the  most  refined  society,  that  the 
pain  and  humiliation  of  embarrassment  is  avoided.  He  who  knows  society 
at  its  best  is  easily  master  of  himself  in  any  lower  level.  Those  have  been 
bred  in  an  atmosphere  of  intelligent  refinement,  and  know  no  way  but  the 
right  way  are  happy,  because  mistakes  to  them  are  well  nigh  impossible,  but 
the  thousands  in  whose  busy  lives  there  has  been  time  for  little  else  than 
useful  and  honorable  work,  but  whose  ambition  prompts  them  to  self-cul- 
ture, need  not  despair  of  mastering  all  necessary  social  forms,  and  acquiring 
the  gentle  courtesy  which  is  the  winning  secret  of  the  gently  bred. 


MANNERS  AT  HOME. 


"  Nor  need  we  power  or  splendor, 

Wide  hall  or  lordly  dome ; 
The  good,  the  true,  the  tender, 
These  form  the  wealth  of  home." 

THE  foundation  of  the  manners  that  win  in  society  and  in  life,  must  be  laid 
at  home.  Unless  politeness  is  practiced  daily,  the  shabby,  rough  style  is 
sure  to  crop  out,  and  reveal  real  coarseness  of  nature.  Manners  are  not  like 
clothes — a  fine  suit  for  company  and  a  coarser  one  for  home  wear, — but  are  a 
part  of  the  character,  not  to  be  put  on  or  off  at  pleasure.  They  are  like  the 
spine  or  shoulders  that  grow  straight  or  crooked  as  they  are  carried  day 
by  day. 

The  boy  or  girl,  bred  in  the  refining  influences  of  a  well-ordered  home, 
befriended  and  taught  by  cultured  parents  who  are  accustomed  to  the  best 
usages  of  society,  starts,  in  actual  life,  a  long  way  in  advance  of  those  who 
find  themselves  in  society  at  maturity,  with  no  knowledge  of  its  customs, 
and  painfully  conscious  of  their  own  deficiencies.  The  latter  need  by  no 
means  despair,  but  the  former  may,  indeed,  deem  themselves  happy. 

A  lady  asked  her  physician  when  she  ought  to  begin  the  education  of  her 
child,  then  three  years  old,  and  the  answer  was :  "  Madam,  you  have  lost 
two  years  already."  It  is  easier  to  train  the  flexible  twigs  than  to  bend  the 
twisted  wood  of  the  matured  tree  into  symmetry.  It  is  impossible  to  begin 
too  early  to  teach  children  to  observe  all  the  amenities  of  life,  and  to  act 
with  a  scrupulous  regard  for  the  rights  and  feelings  of  others,  in  the  intimate 


16  MANNERS  AT  HOME. 

relations  of  home,  as  well  as  in  association  with  friends  and  strangers. 
Home  is  the  best  of  all  schools  for  correcting  faults,  and  acquiring  that  self- 
control  which  is  essential  to  success  in  life  and  ease  and  comfort  in  society. 
By  daily  performing  faithfully  all  the  courtesies  of  life,  by  the  exercise  of 
charity  that  thinketh  no  evil,  by  forgiving  as  each  needs  to  be  forgiven,  it 
becomes  easy  and  natural  to  become  ladies  and  gentlemen  in  the  truest  and 
highest  sense;  and  the  man  or  woman,  boy  or  girl,  who  is  rude  and  unman- 
nerly outside  of  home,  is  sure  to  be  found  even  worse  amid  familiar  sur- 
roundings. Those  who  are  thoughtful  and  considerate,  and  anxious  to  avoid 
what  will  wound  those  nearest  and  dearest  to  them,  will  be  equally  polite 
abroad.  To  learn  real  character  it  is  only  necessary  to  study  it  as  it  is 
revealed  at  hone ;  if  it  stands  that  test,  it  is  the  true  metal. 

Lord  Chesterfield,  in  speaking  of  the  necessity  of  politeness  at  home,  in 
his  letters  to  his  son,  says:  "The  most  familiar  habitudes,  connections, 
and  friendship,  require  a  degree  of  good  breeding  to  cement  them.  The 
best  of  us  have  our  bad  sides ;  and  it  is  as  imprudent  as  it  is  ill-bred  to 
exhibit  them.  I  shall  not  use  ceremony  with  you ;  it  would  be  misplaced 
between  us ;  but  I  shall  certainly  observe  that  degree  of  good-breeding  with 
you,  which  is,  in  the  first  place,  decent,  and  which,  I  am  sure,  is  absolutely 
necessary  to  make  us  like  one  another's  company  long." 

In  families  where  the  external  forms  of  courtesy  are  not  used,  there  is  per- 
petually recurring  contention  and  bickering.  The  forms  of  unchecked  ill- 
temper  and  selfishness,  varying  with  varying  character  and  temperament, 
are  continual  sources  of  irritation,  and  home  becomes  a  nursery  of  bad  man- 
ners and  bad  morals.  But  happily  good  manners  are  catching,  and  children 
learn  them  much  sooner  and  more  thoroughly  by  example  than  by  precept. 
In  this  earliest  school  the  parents  must  be  what  they  want  their  children  to 
become.  In  the  atmosphere  of  a  happy  home,  when  the  relation  of  parents 
is  based  on  sincere  affection  and  mutual  self-respect,  and  daily  life  is  marked 
with  an  interchange  of  kind  words  and  offices,  and  conducted  with  a  tender 
regard  for  each  others  wishes  and  feelings,  children  breathe  in  and  assimi- 
late the  very  spirit  of  politeness  as  they  do  the  air.  But  the  family  where 
another  condition  of  things  exists  is  a  school  of  rudeness  and  ill-manners, 
in  which  the  young  are  not  slow  to  learn,  for  they  copy  vices  even  more 
readily  than  virtues.  There  is  no  resting  place  for  human  nature.  There 


MANNERS  A  T  HOME.  1 7 

must  be  progress  or  ground  is  lost.  If  the  young  heart  is  not  imbued  with 
a  glowing  love  for  truth  and  purity,  it  will  quickly  sink  into  the  false  and  im- 
pure. Children  are  all  hero- worshippers,  and  take  ideas  of  life  and  behavior 
from  those  who  hold  the  keys  to  their  hearts,  and  if  all  their  surroundings 
are  coarse,  rude  and  brutal,  the  groAvth  of  those  sterling  qualities  that  make 
men  generous  and  manly,  and  women  tender  and  pure  and  true,  is  hope- 
lessly choked.  Every  child  has  an  innate  sense  of  what  is  just,  and  no  gen- 
erous-minded boy  or  warm-hearted  girl  can  listen  to  unkind  or  taunting 
words,  or  witness  exhibitions  of  ill-temper,  without  first  being  wounded  and 
then  hardened  by  them.  When  these  facts  are  once  apprehended  the  child 
becomes  the  teacher  in  the  highest  and  sweetest  sense.  To  instill  the  love 
of  the  true  and  beautiful,  to  stir  the  nobler  impulses  of  the  young  spirits,  to 
teach  that  sublime  self-control  which  is  a  steadfast  anchor  to  the  soul  in  all 
after-life,  calls  for  the  exercise  of  the  highest  virtues.  It  is  not  enough  to 
teach  simply ;  there  must  be  the  example  of  daily  life  to  clinch  the  lessons. 
And  there  is  no  motive  that  makes  so  forcible  an  appeal  to  the  heart  in  favor 
of  self-discipline  as  the  desire  for  the  welfare  of  children. 

The  training  of  children  in  manners  must  be  founded  on  respect  and 
obedience.  No  child  can  be  trained  in  politeness  unless  first  taught  to  obey. 
Indeed,  respect  for  authority  lies  at  the  root  of  all  that  is  valuable  in  cul- 
ture. The  child  that  is  a  successful  rebel  against  just  parental  authority 
will  never  grow  up  to  control  himself  or  command  others,  and  the  first  step 
in  all  training  is  to  secure  obedience.  In  this  both  parents  must  unite  and 
support  each  other,  the  stronger  reinforcing  the  weaker.  If  the  mother  has 
not  the  gift  of  governing,  any  disrespect  or  disobedience  of  her  authority 
ought,  in  the  eyes  of  the  father,  to  be  the  greatest  of  offenses  in  a  child.  If 
the  mother  is  the  embodiment  of  parental  discipline,  then  it  is  her  duty,  and 
ought  to  be  her  pleasure,  to  enforce  the  wishes  and  commands  of  the  father. 
If  neither  maintains  authority,  no  wholesome  home  life  is  possible. 

But  authority  ought  to  be  enforced  without  destroying  the  self-respect  of 
child.  Reproofs  should  be  seldom  administered  in  the  presence  of  others, 
but  singly  and  alone,  to  avoid  unnecessary  humiliation  and  wounded  pride. 
It  is  best  to  give  as  large  liberty  and  as  few  commands  as  possible,  and  then 
to  enforce  those  that  are  given  to  the  very  letter.  In  training  children  in 
manners,  it  is  easy  to  mistake  the  natural  and  healthful  overflow  of  spirits 


18  MANNERS  AT  HOME. 

in  playfulness  for  rudeness.  There  is  a  time  for  wild  romps,  and  pillow 
fights,  and  all  the  rough-and-tumble  sports  that  develop  the  young  muscles ; 
and  children  who  are  straight-jacketed  into  prim  behavior,  either  by  too 
strict  parental  discipline  or  too  fine  clothes,  are  cruelly  robbed  of  their  right- 
ful share  of  the  sunshine  of  life.  The  essential  thing  in  play  is  that  children 
respect  each  others  rights,  that  the  strong  protect  the  weak  and  that  in  every 
game  fair  play  is  maintained. 

It  is  important  that  the  parent  should  always  cultivate  moral  courage  by 
always  saying  and  doing  what  is  believed  to  be  right  and  true,  regardless  of 
consequences,  and  by  showing  appreciation  of  moral  courage  whenever 
exhibited  in  the  character  or  life  of  another.  There  is  something  knightly 
in  the  heart  of  every  boy,  something  helpful  in  the  heart  of  every  girl.  Tin- 
sympathies  of  children  are  quickly  stirred,  and  while  for  a  moment,  swayed 
by  a  sudden  impulse,  a  troop  of  children  may  join  in  the  persecution  of  a 
weak  or  unfortunate  victim,  it  is  only  necessary  for  one  bold  manly  boy,  or 
girl  with  a  strong  heart,  to  champion  the  defenseless,  to  put  them  to  shame, 
and  rally  a  corps  of  heroes  and  heroines  to  the  defence  of  the  very  victim 
tortured. 

In  drawing  out  and  developing  this  chivalrous,  protecting  spirit,  there 
are  few  means  so  ready  and  powerful  as  companionship  of  animals.  Xcth- 
ing  so  interests  and  instructs  a  child  as  a  live  pet.  The  care  of  a  dog  or  a 
lamb  or  a  pony,  trains  a  boy  in  all  that  is  manly.  It  givas  him  a  sense  of 
responsibility,  and  teaches  him  kindness  to  dependents.  The  attachment 
which  this  dependence  causes  to  spring  up,  sets  him  to  thinking  how  to 
avoid  giving  pain  and  how  best  to  supply  wants,  and  develops  the  very 
qualities  that  will  make  him  a  manly  man. 

To  speak  the  truth,  to  protect  the  weak,  to  be  loyal  to  country  and  relig- 
ious convictions,  made  up  the  creed  of  the  knights  of  old,  and  is  the  code  of 
the  true  gentleman  of  to-day.  Teach  children  to  be  ashamed  of  nothing 
except  doing  wrong,  and  that  to  be  right  and  defend  the  right,  by  fighting 
for  it,  if  need  be,  is  manly  and  womanly,  and  it  will  be  easy  for  them  to 
acquire  the  manners  that  win. 

Permit  no  family  jars  or  disagreements.  Nothing  can  be  more  demoral- 
izing to  children  than  the  existence  of  feuds  between  those  who  ought  to  be 
forbearing  and  forgiving. 


MANNERS  AT  HOME.  19 

Few  parents  comprehend  the  subtle  influence  of  companions.  The  choice 
of  these  should  never  be  left  to  chance,  but  associates  should  be  selected  for 
their  manners,  rather  than  their  position  in  society.  It  is  of  more  impor- 
tance how  they  behave,  and  what  their  morals  are,  than  what  their  pedigree 
is,  or  how  much  their  fathers  are  worth.  The  children  of  those  who  are 
favored  by  fortune  are  more  likely  to  have  careful  training,  but  these  advan- 
tages are  often  more  than  offset  by  a  false  pride  and  a  spirit  of  shoddy  that 
is  as  pernicious  as  vice  itself.  In  choosing  friends  for  themselves  or  their 
children,  only  those  who  are  not  sure  that  they  merit  and  belong  in  their 
social  position,  need  fear  to  go  beyond  the  limits  of  their  special  circle. 

As  children  grow  up,  it  is  of  the  utmost  importance  that  parents  and 
teachers  should  perceive  the  important  difference  that  exists  between  inno- 
cence and  virtue.  Innocence  is  lovely  in  the  child  because  in  harmony  with 
its  nature,  but  as  the  child  advances  in  knowledge,  ignorance  and  innocence 
vanish  together.  Knowledge  of  good  cannot  be  acquired  without  a  like 
knowledge  of  evil,  and  virtue  is  the  growth  of  strength  in  the  character  to 
love  and  stand  by  good  and  resist  the  evil,  whether  from  without  or  within. 
Innocence  is  simply  ignorance  of  evil ;  virtue  knows  all  its  allurements  and 
is  proof  against  them ;  the  settled  resolve  that  the  higher  nature  shall  be 
king.  Then  innocence  gives  place  to  honor,  integrity  and  a  higher  manhood 
and  womanhood. 

Next  to  that  of  associates  comes  the  influence  of  books.  The  press  teems 
with  publications,  dangerous  in  their  tendency  because  they  give  false  views 
of  life,  but  the  uses  of  the  vast  number  of  good  books  and  periodicals,  writ- 
ten by  pure  minded  men  and  women,  in  the  education  of  the  young,  cannot 
now  be  computed.  These  are  silent  teachers,  but  their  lessons  sweeten, 
broaden  and  ennoble  many  lives,  and  take  half  the  burden  of  education 
from  parents.  The  thirst  for  knowledge  \vhich  shows  itself  in  eager  ques- 
tions, needs  never  to  be  checked.  Once  taught  how  to  acquire  knowledge, 
well-chosen  books  become  an  exhaustless  mine  of  amusement  and  instruc- 
tion. 

It  takes  the  heart  and  strength  of  one  generation  to  get  the  next  ready 
for  living,  but  there  is  compensation  in  the  finer  and  larger  growth  which 
self-sacrifice  impels.  The  heart  that  voluntarily  subjects  itself  to  others, 
enamored  of  all  that  is  noble  and  true,  grows  in  everything  lovely  and  gra- 


20  MANNERS  A  T  HOME. 

cious  so  long  as  it  lives,  and  is  always  warm  and  youthful  in  its  sympathies. 
There  is  no  soul  so  full  of  the  grace  of  youth  as  the  mother  spirit  that  has 
gone  through  a  long  and  useful  life,  wrapped  in  the  love  of  her  children  and 
her  children's  children. 

No  discipline  in  life  advances  men  like  that  which  wins  them  into  yield- 
ing their  wills  to  those  who  depend  on  them,  in  the  affairs,  the  trifles,  of 
everyday  life ;  the  wife  to  the  husband,  the  husband  to  the  wife,  children  to 
parents  and  parents  to  children.  The  evil  that  festers  in  society  is  misdi- 
rected self-will,  and  lessons  in  self-restraint,  whether  they  come  late  or 
early,  guard  the  soul  from  pitfalls  of  temptation.  Even  sufferings  endured 
for  loved  ones  are  aids  in  rounding  and  perfecting  character,  which  is  the 
only  real  thing  about  us,  and  the  only  thing  we  carry  with  us  into  another 
life. 


A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN 


"Be  affable  and  courteous  in  youth  that  you  may  be  honored  hi  age.  Roses  that  lose 
their  colors  keep  their  savors;  and  children,  who  in  their  tender  years  sow  courtesy,  shall 
in  their  declining  years,  reap  love." 

EVERY  boy  or  girl  that  is  worth  saving  has  an  honorable  ambition  to  be 
thought  well  of,  a  hope  to  become  a  useful  man  or  woman,  and  a  longing  to 
be  happy  and  successful  in  life.  There  is  no  one  thing  that  will  make  the 
fulfillment  of  all  these  wishes  so  sure  as  the  cultivation  of  courtesy.  The 
first  step  in  good  manners  is  to  show  deference  and  respect  to  superiors  in 
age  and  position.  The  idea  of  "  Young  America  "  that  it  is  an  evidence  of 
manly  independence  to  speak  or  act  disrespectfully  of  a  parent  or  teacher,  is 
fatal  to  growth  in  politeness.  The  boy  who  calls  his  father  "  The  Governor," 
has  a  hard  road  to  travel  before  he  can  become  a  gentleman.  Still  more 
dangerous  is  the  impression  that  it  is  evidence  of  great  talent  to  be  "fast," 
and  to  copy  the  vices  of  older  men.  No  greater  mistake  is  possible.  Not  to 
preach  a  sermon  about  it,  the  least  that  can  be  said  about  it  is  that  to  be 
"  fast "  is  to  be  exceedingly  stupid  and  idiotic.  There  is  not  a  single  physi- 
cal, mental  or  moral  quality  that  goes  to  make  up  a  manly  man  or  a 
womanly  'woman,  not  a  single  trait  that  helps  to  win  success  in  society  or  in 
life,  that  is  not  impaired  by  every  indulgence  in  selfishness  or  vice.  It  takes 
strength  of  character  to  win  success,  and  self-indulgence  not  only  exposes 
weakness  to  everybody,  but  increases  the  weakness  itself.  Nothing  shows 
such  strength  of  character  as  self-control  and  self-restraint,  and,  rest  assured 


22  A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN. 

that  any  one  who  can  control  himself  has  all  the  qualities  necessary  to  make 
him  a  leader  among  other  men. 

To  suppose  that  vices  add  to  manliness  is  weak  and  foolish.  What  would 
be  said  of  a  man  who  would  bespatter  a  beautiful  picture  or  a  lovely  white 
marble  statute  with  ink,  and  then  swell  about  as  a  boy  does  with  a  cigar  in 
his  mouth,  inviting  people  to  admire  his  work.  Would  you  make  blots  over 
a  letter  that  you  had  written  neatly  and  carefully  to  some  dear  friend, 
expecting  to  add  to  its  beauty?  And -yet  every  evil  act  and  thought  blots 
the  white  of  the  character  you  are  making  for  yourself,  and  which  it  ought 
to  be  your  daily  and  hourly  pride  to  keep  pure  and  unstained. 

All  children  do  not  grow  into  great  men  and  women.  Most  of  them  fill 
ordinary  positions  in  life,  but  a  man  or  woman  with  ordinary  natural  or 
acquired  gifts,  if  truthful  and  honest,  will  rise  high  in  society,  while  a  rogue 
with  great  shrewdness  will  stumble  along  at  the  bottom  grade.  Truth  and 
honesty  win  confidence,  and  men  push  forward  those  in  whom  they  believe 
into  responsible  positions.  The  knave  must  be  a  real  genius  to  have  ail 
enviable  career,  and,  with  the  same  talent,  and  honesty,  he  might  win  every 
prize  the  world  has  to  offer.  Xotice  men  on  the  witness  stand.  One  who 
has  no  object  except  to  tell  the  exact  truth,  is  a  match  for  the  ablest  lawyer. 
His  honesty  is  an  armor  through  which  the  sharp  thrusts  of  the  keenest  wit 
cannot  penetrate.  But  the  witness  who  testifies  to  a  lie,  is  soon  squirming 
as  if  he  stood  on  a  hot  gridiron. 

This  is  not  the  best  reason  why  one  should  be  honest,  but  it  is  one  reason. 
Honesty  is  the  best  policy.  Truthfulness,  honor,  morality,  all  pay  in  a 
business  sense,  and  they  have  to  do  with  manners  in  this  way.  Politeness 
is  the  manifestation  of  kind,  generous  feeling.  It  may  be  sham  and  pre- 
tense,— hypocrisy  expressing  what  is  not  felt, — but  it  is  a  good  deal  better  to 
make  it  real,  and  then  one  is  polite  because  impelled  to  be  so  by  the  warm, 
generous,  kindly  feelings  that  are  within,  and  long  to  get  out.  Shams  are 
dangerous  things  to  deal  with.  It  is  easier  to  be  a  gentleman  or  lady,  than 
to  appear  to  be  one  when  you  are  not.  The  best  foundation  for  good  man- 
ners is  a  real,  loyal,  gentle,  kindly,  truthful  character,  and  that  is  within  the 
reach  of  every  boy  and  girl,  rich  or  poor,  handsome  or  plain,  strong  or  weak, 
trained  or  untrained.  The  child  that  is  respectful,  obedient,  kind  and  truth- 
ful, has  half  learned  the  secret  of  success;  but  besides  being  well  disposed, 


A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN.  23 

it  is  necessary  to  know  what  to  do  and  what  not  to  do,  to  save  emoarrass- 
ment  and  awkwardness  in  the  presence  of  others. 

The  best  lesson  is  to  practice  politeness  every  day  at  home.  When  you 
play,  play  a  fair  game.  Never  impose  on  or  tease  those  who  are  smaller  or 
weaker  than  yourself,  or  allow  others  to  do  it.  That  is  cowardly,  and  no 
coward  can  be  a  gentleman.  Protect,  feed  and  cherish  every  pet  animal  that 
depends  on  and  trusts  you.  Shut  every  door  after  you,  without  slamming 
it.  Never  stamp,  jump  or  run  in  the  house.  Never  call  to  persons  up-stairs, 
or  in  the  next  room.  If  you  wish  to  speak  to  them,  go  quietly  where  they 
are.  Always  speak  kindly  and  politely  to  others,  especially  to  your  play- 
mates, if  you  would  have  them  do  the  same  to  you.  When  told  to  do,  or 
not  to  do  a  thing,  by  either  of  your  parents,  never  ask  why  you  should  or 
should  not  do  it.  Tell  of  your  own  faults,  not  those  of  your  brothers  and 
sisters.  Be  prompt  at  every  meal.  Never  sit  down  at  the  table,  or  in  the 
parlor,  with  dirty  hands,  or  with  uncombed  or  tumbled  hair.  Never  inter- 
rupt any  conversation,  but  wait  patiently  for  your  turn  to  speak.  Guard 
against  bad  habits.  When  you  do  a  thing  repeatedly,  you  do  it  after  a  while 
without  knowing  it.  If  you  use  slang  words,  they  will  find  their  way  out  of 
your  mouth  just  when  you  want  to  appear  at  your  best,  before  some  one 
whose  good  opinion  you  very  much  want. 

No  brother  who  expects  to  become  a  gentleman  will  tease  or  be  rude  or 
overbearing  toward  his  sisters.  It  is  the  duty  and  delight  of  a  manly  boy  to 
protect  and  help  them.  Notice  two  boys,  one  rude,  noisy,  selfish  and  over- 
bearing, the  other  polite,  respectful  and  pleasing  in  his  manner;  you  choose 
the  latter  for  your  friend,  while  you  avoid  the  former.  It  is  exactly  the 
same  way  among  grown  people.  A  true  gentleman  may  always  be  recog- 
nized by  his  good  manners,  and  his  respect  for  the  rights  and  feelings  of 
others.  It  never  pays  to  be  clownish,  or  to  ape  vulgar  tricks  and  antic  ges- 
tures. Real  fun,  "  rough  and  tumble,"  but  kindly  play,  which  calls  all  the 
muscles  into  action,  has  real  dignity  and  grace  in  it,  just  such  dignity  and 
grace  as  every  gentleman  must  acquire,  and  every  boy  has  a  right  to  a  full 
share  of  sport,  but  to  play  the  buffoon,  only  excites  the  laughter  of  fools. 

Walk  erect  with  the  shoulders  thrown  back.  It  gives  play  to  the  lungs 
and  vital  organs,  and  helps  to  strength  and  vigor  besides  giving  vou  grace 
and  manly  beauty  when  you  grow  up. 


24  A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN. 

Do  not  be  frightened  out  of  your  self-control  by  anything.  If  there  is  no 
real  danger,  you  will  be  ashamed  of  your  fear ;  if  the  danger  is  real  you  will 
need  all  your  wits  about  you  to  protect  yourself  and  others.  Many  a  man 
is  able  to  save  his  own  life,  and  still  better,  that  of  others,  by  ' '  keeping 
cool  "  in  exciting  emergencies. 

Do  not  bother  other  people  with  your  own  troubles.  The  best  way  to  for- 
get them  is  to  help  some  one  else  who  is  in  trouble.  So  when  you  feel  like 
crying  over  your  own  misfortunes,  don't  cry,  but  look  about  you  and  see  if 
you  cannot  discover  some  one  who  needs  help,  if  it  is  only  a  lame  dog,  or  a 
sick  chicken. 

Above  all,  never  whine  and  grumble.  When  you  feel  like  it,  remember 
that  you  cannot  do  it  and  be  a  gentleman.  There  is  an  old  rhyme  that  has 
a  great  deal  of  truth  in  it: 

"The  cheerful  spirit  goes  on  quick, 
But  the  grumbler  in  the  mud  will  stick." 

Don't  use  tobacco.  The  boy  who  begins  to  use  tobacco  habitually  at 
twelve  or  fourteen  years  of  age  can  never  become  a  gentleman.  Its  use 
takes  all  the  vigor  and  manliness  out  of  him,  and  undermines  his  health 
beyond  repair.  If  you  have  any  ambition  to  win  success  in  life,  if  you  wish 
to  be  healthy,  graceful  and  strong,  if  you  wish  to  live  a  happy  and  useful 
life,  never  touch  tobacco  or  liquor,  until  you  are  full  grown.  Then  if  you 
follow  all  the  good  advice  we  have  given  you,  you  will  not  want  either. 

Be  respectful,  not  only  to  parents  and  superiors  in  age,  but  be  kind  to 
equals,  and  thoughtful  not  to  hurt  the  feelings  of  younger  and  weaker,  or 
poorer.  A  boy  who  will  taunt  another  on  account  of  his  poverty  or  a  phys- 
ical deformity,  is  worse  than  a  wild  Hottentot,  and  is  too  cowardly  and  bru- 
tal ever  to  have  the  kindly  heart  of  a  true  gentleman. 

Never  stare  at  people.  It  is  a  mark  of  ill-breeding,  and  rightly  gives 
offense.  But  when  talking  with  any  one,  look  him  frankly  and  politely  in 
the  face.  If  you  are  honest  and  manly,  you  have  done  nothing  to  be 
ashamed  of,  and  need  not  look  down. 

Do  not  slam  doors  or  blinds,  or  tramp  up  and  down  stairs,  or  drum  tunes 
with  your  fingers,  or  with  your  feet,  because  all  these  things  are  annoying 
and  disagreeable  to  others.  Keep  loud  shouting  and  laughing  for  out  of 
doors,  and  when  you  talk,  cultivate  a  low  voice.  There  is  nothing  so  charm- 


A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN.  25 

ing  and  attractive  in  a  gentleman  as  a  controlled  voice,  pitched  at  a  low  key. 
A  high,  shrill  voice  is  always  harsh  and  disagreeable  to  the  ear. 

Learn  neatness.  No  boy  can  become  a  gentleman  who  is  not  clean.  A 
clean  face,  well-combed  hair,  neat  clothes, — no  matter  how  old  or  patched,  if 
clean  and  neat — are  marks  that  distinguish  a  well-bred  boy  from  a  young 
rowdy.  Soap  and  water  are  plenty.  Practice  neatness  and  order — keeping 
things  in  their  right  places — until  it  becomes  a  habit,  and  it  will  save  time, 
money,  and  reputation  in  later  life.  There  was  once  in  New  York  a  girl 
who  had  one  bureau  drawer,  in  which  she  threw  everything,  pell-mell — 
ribbons,  laces,  scraps  of  paper,  letters,  shoes,  stockings,  pins,  needles,  and  the 
thousand  and  one  things  that  go4o  make  up  a  girl's  toilet.  She  said  she  had 
"  a  place  for  everything,  and  everything  in  its  place,"  and  that  place  was  the 
drawer.  Do  not  imitate  her  careless  habits.  Keep  everything  in  order. 
Have  a  place  for  toys,  tools,  clothing,  ball  and  bat,  skates,  and  when  you 
come  in,  no  matter  how  tired,  put  each  away.  You  will  find  that  it  will  save 
a  great  deal  of  time  to  know  just  where  anything  is  when  you  want  it;  and, 
best  of  all,  you  are  forming  a  habit  that  will  make  you  a  successful  man. 
That  is  the  use  of  all  this  care. 

When  you  come  into  the  house  clean  your  feet.  It  will  save  others 
trouble ;  and,  besides,  if  you  are  a  clean  boy,  you  will  want  to  live  in  a  clean 
house,  and  ought  to  delight  to  do  your  share  in  keeping  dirt  out.  Take  off 
your  hat.  It  is  injurious  to  the  head  to  keep  it  too  warm;  besides,  it  is  a 
mark  of  respect  for  the  house  and  those  that  live  in  it,  to  remove  it ;  and  if 
you  do  not  respect  your  own  home,  who  will  ?  Go  about  as  fast  as  you  like, 
but  go  lightly  like  a  cat,  and  you  will  be  surprised  to  find  how  easy  it  is,  and 
how  much  more  comfortable  it  is  not  to  be  noisy. 

Do  not  meddle.  It  is  not  necessary  to  handle  everything  you  see.  There 
are  many  things  which  are  spoiled  by  touching.  Keep  your  hands  off,  unless 
you  have  leave.  Do  not  lounge  on  people.  Do  not  peep  over  the  shoulders 
of  another,  or  into  letters  not  your  own,  or  stare  at  new  or  strange  things,  or 
at  peculiarities  of  peoples'  faces  or  dress. 

Always  speak  the  truth.  This  seems  easy  enough,  but  it  is  really  the  most 
difficult  thing  a  gentleman  has  to  do.  It  requires  courage  to  be  truthful.  It 
is  so  easy  to  get  a  habit  of  exaggerating.  And  then  there  are  temptations  to 
lie  to  escape  censure  or  punishment,  or  to  get  something  you  want ;  and, 


26  A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREX. 

hardest  of  all,  for  a  kind-hearted  boy  to  resist  temptations  to  lie  to  please 
some  who  expects  you  to  be  delighted  with  what  you  do  not  like.  Then 
there  are  half-truths  that  are  worse  than  lies,  because  they  are  mean  and 
cowardly  attempts  to  deceive.  Avoid  all  of  them.  A  gentleman  never  lies. 
He  may  try  very  hard  not  to  tell  unwelcome  truths,  when  he  is  urged  and 
expected  to  praise  what  he  knows  does  not  deserve  praise,  but  he  is  never 
entrapped  or  driven  into  insincere  compliment.  Flattery  is  the  most  cow- 
ardly of  all  falsehoods.  To  mention  the  merits  and  good  qualities  of  friends, 
is  to  help  them  to  a  proper  and  just  estimate  of  themselves ;  but  insincerity 
in  compliment  puffs  men  up,  makes  them  vain  of  talents  which  they  do  not 
possess,  exposes  their  weakness,  and  does  them  irreparable  injury.  And  the 
worst  of  it  is  that  is  generally  malicious,  and  is  intended  to  inflict  injury. 
Every  one  ought  to  study  his  own  character,  so  as  to  get  as  correct  an  esti- 
mate of  his  own  abilities  as  possible,  and  he  ought  to  be  profoundly  thankful 
to  any  sincere  friend  who  helps  him  by  judicious  praise,  but  he  ought  to 
avoid  every  flatterer  as  a  dangerous  enemy  in  disguise. 

In  the  days  of  chivalry,  the  vow  of  the  knight  was  to  succor  the  oppressed, 
to  right  all  wrongs  which  came  to  his  knowledge,  and  to  help  all  who  needed 
aid.  If  he  came  upon  any  deed  of  cruelty  or  injustice,  he  could  not  pass  by, 
because  it  was  none  of  his  business,  and  he  might  get  hurt  by  interfering. 
It  was  his  special  business  to  set  right  all  wrongs  whenever  and  wherever  he 
found  them.  If  too  weak  to  do  it  himself,  he  called  on  his  brother  knights 
to  help  him,  and  to  refuse  would  have  cost  a  knight  his  honors.  To  draw 
back  from  danger  was  a  disgrace ;  to  tell  a  lie  was  a  deeper  disgrace ;  to  take 
a  bribe,  or  to  be  influenced  by  fear  or  favor,  was  to  be  unworthy  the  spurs  of 
knighthood.  Men  do  not  fight  with  lances  in  this  age,  but  the  code  of  the 
knight  of  old  is  the  code  of  the  gentleman  now.  To  be  a  gentleman  is  to  be 
a  helpful,  protecting  manly  man,  with  the  courage  to  do  what  he  believes 
right,  without  stopping  to  ask  whether  he  will  profit  or  lose  by  it.  And  the 
knights'  code  ought  to  be  the  code  of  every  boy,  doing  good  as  the  hands  find 
it  to  do,  never  stopping  because  others  do  not  help  by  doing  their  part,  or 
because  he  gets  so  few  thanks.  "  It  is  not  the  bad  things  we  have  done  that 
alone  will  trouble  us  when  we  look  our  lives  over,  so  much  as  the  good  we 
might  have  done,  »ud  did  not." 


A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN.  27 

Now  a  word  to  girls:  A  rude  boy  is  an  abomination,  but  what  shall  be 
said  of  a  rude  girl  ?  Boys  are  expected  to  have  more  or  less  of  the  bear  in 
their  natures,  and  if  they  restrain  their  wildness,  it  is  set  down  to  their 
credit ;  but  girls  are  born  and  bred  to  modest  and  lady-like  behavior,  and  a 
saucy,  pert,  and  selfish  girl  is  simply  beyond  endurance.  A  girl  who  is  dis- 
respectful to  her  mother  or  to  her  superiors,  can  never  acquire  that  charm  of 
manner  which  throws  all  beauty,  style,  fine  dressing,  and  diamonds  into 
shadow.  That  charm  comes  of  a  kind  and  unselfish  heart.  The  French  are 
said  to  be  the  politest  of  people,  because  they  show  deference  and  respect  to 
parents  and  old  people,  and  no  disrespect  to  superiors  in  age  or  position  is 
tolerated  in  the  best  society  anywrhere  in  Europe  or  America.  In  China  and 
Japan,  men  and  women  are  devoted  to  their  fathers  and  mothers,  and  even 
the  lawless  Turk  shows  the  profoundest  respect  to  an  old  man.  Did  you  ever 
wish  to  be  a  princess  when  indulging  in  day-dreams,  as  girls  will?  Well,  if 
you  were  a  princess,  you  would,  first  of  all,  be  taught  respect  for  others.  If 
your  queen-mother  came  into  the  room,  you  would  rise,  and  remain  standing 
until  invited  to  a  seat,  and  if  you  buried  yourself  in  a  book,  and  allowed  her 
to  rise  to  get  anything  a  yard  away,  you  would  be  sent  out  in  disgrace,  to 
learn  how  politeness  becomes  a  princess.  In  short,  you  would  be  taught  to 
consider  others  before  yourself,  and  to  be  pleasant  and  agreeable  even  when 
you  did  not  feel  like  it. 

Now,  some  girls  are  much  more  particular  about  the  shape  of  their  hats, 
and  the  width  of  their  trimmings,  than  they  are  about  their  manners,  and 
style  of  carrying  themselves.  Of  course,  clothes  should  always  be  neat  and 
pretty,  but  the  manner  is  of  more  importance,  because  it  is  a  part  of  one's 
self.  Some  girls  cannot  help  being  poorly  and  plainly  dressed,  but  it  is 
within  the  reach  of  every  one  to  be  graceful  and  genteel  in  manner, — 
"  stylish,"  as  girls  say.  Besides,  it  is  well  to  remember  that  fine  clothes  are 
the  last  thing  to  be  proud  of.  Money  buys  them,  and  hires  a  dressmaker  to 
make  them,  and  the  girl  who  wears  them  may  be  weak-minded,  vain,  coarse, 
and  much  less  of  a  lady  than  her  washerwoman ;  but  it  requires  care  and 
painstaking  self-denial  and  self-control,  to  acquire  genteel  and  graceful 
manners.  They  represent  real  worth,  and  any  girl  has  a  right  to  be  proud  of 
them. 


2&  A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN. 

Of  course,  no  girl  who  has  any  ambition  to  become  a  lady,  need  be  told 
that  neatness  of  person  and  clothing  is  the  first  requisite.  The  lady  cannot 
tolerate  anything  about  her  that  is  not  clean,  and  makes  it  a  matter  of  con- 
science to  have  every  article  of  clothing  that  is  unseen  as  neat  and  tidy  as 
that  which  is  seen.  The  person  must  be  scrupulously  clean — the  teeth, 
hands,  and  nails  particularly  so.  Neglect  of  the  mouth  is  a  common  fault, 
but  it  not  only  brings  decay  and  pain  to  the  teeth,  but  is  very  offensive.  A 
tooth-brush  is  as  necessary  to  cleanliness  as  water  and  a  towel.  Dirty  hands 
or  irregular  nails  with  black  tips,  are  simply  disgraceful,  and  no  girl  who  has 
any  care  to  be  agreeable  to  others,  will  permit  them.  Never  put  the  fingers 
into  the  nose  or  ears,  or  blow  your  nose  loudly,  or  allow  yourself  to  indulge 
in  any  habit  that  may  be  offensive  or  unpleasant  to  others.  Remember  that 
bad  habits  grow,  and  load  one  down  like  a  heavy  and  constantly  increasing 
weight,  through  a  whole  life.  The  girl  who  is  careless  at  sixteen,  will  be  a 
sloven  at  thirty,  and  intolerable  at  sixty. 

There  are  few  people  who  stand  or  walk  well,  and  the  reason  is  they  have 
never  given  a  thought  to  it.  And  yet  a  graceful  carriage  of  the  person 
imparts  a  wonderful  charm  to  manner.  Most  boys  and  girls  have  a  lounging 
style  of  walking  and  standing,  as  if  their  joints  were  loose  and  muscles 
flabby.  They  shamble  when  they  walk,  and  stand  in  a  weak-kneed  fashion. 
Now,  it  is  easy  to  acquire  the  habit  of  standing  firmly  on  the  feet,  so  that  a 
breath  or  a  gentle  push  from  some  one  brushing  past  will  not  disturb  you. 
The  toes  should  be  turned  out,  one  foot  an  inch  or  two  beyond  the  other,  and 
the  knees  stiff,  so  that  the  weight  of  the  body  will  rest  on  the  balls  of  the 
foot,  as  well  as  on  the  heels.  In  this  position  you  can  stand  on  a  ship's  deck 
or  in  a  railway  car,  and  keep  steady.  Stand  erect,  with  head  up,  and  "arch 
your  back  the  other  way,  from  what  a  cat  does."  It  will  be  hard  to  do  it  at 
first,  but  if  you  cannot  take  and  maintain  these  positions  after  practice,  you 
are  not  well,  and  need  to  care  for  your  health,  not  by  taking  drugs  and  doctor 
stuff,  but  by  exercise  in  the  sunshine  and  open  air,  and  the  cultivation  and 
exercise  of  your  muscles.  To  get  an  erect  position,  stand  back  against  a  wall, 
so  that  your  shoulder  blades  do  not  press  it,  and  when  you  sit  choose  a 
straight-backed  chair,  and  be  careful  again  that  the  shoulder-blades  do  not 
rest  against  it.  A  correct  and  graceful  carriage  takes  long  practice ;  but, 
once  learned,  it  becomes  second  nature,  and  nothing  pays  better. 


A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN.  2£ 

There  is  one  trouble  that  older  people  have  as  well  as  girls.  They  don't 
know  what  to  do  with  their  hands.  Many  ladies  never  trust  themselves 
without  a  fan  or  something  to  hold.  Hands  do  not  belong  in  the  pockets ; 
it  will  not  do  to  fold  them  always.  They  should  be  kept  down,  with  arms 
pressed  lightly  against  the  sides  in  walking  or  sitting.  To  get  the  correct 
position,  bring  the  hands  together  in  front  at  arms  length,  and  then  let  them 
fall  naturally  as  they  will.  The  position  will  be  easy  and  graceful,  and  if  a 
little  stiff,  at  first,  it  is  always  better  to  be  stiff  than  slovenly.  The  stiffness 
wears  away,  but  the  slovenly  babits  grow.  Of  course,  these  correct  positions 
cannot  always  be  maintained.  Muscles  must  relax  and  have  rest,  and  every 
position  which  gives  rest  may  be  indulged  in  proper  places  and  at  proper 
times,  but  the  girl  who  expects  to  win  the  title  of  lady  will  take  care  to 
lounge  only  when  by  herself  or  with  those  who  would  not  consider  it  a  dis- 
respect. Besides  there  is  a  possibility  of  cultivating  a  graceful  way  of  loung- 
ing, very  different  from  and  just  as  restful  as  sprawling. 

Every  girl  ought  to  know  how  to  use  her  own  language.  This  seems  easy 
enough,  but  there  are  few  who  speak  even  of  common  things  in  words  that 
belong  to  them.  It  would  be  absurd  to  go  into  ecstasies  over  a  "beautiful 
blue  cat,"  or  a  "  lovely  green  horse,"  but  it  is  really  no  more  absurd  than  to 
call  boiled  cabbage  "  splendid,"  when  that  very  commonplace  vegetable  has. 
not  a  particle  of  "  splendor  "  in  its  composition.  To  raw  school  girls  every- 
thing is  superlatively  grand,  «orgeous,  lovely  or  splendid,  but  the  use  of  such 
terms  reveals  an  ignorance  of  the  real  meaning  and  uses  of  the  English  lan- 
guage, and  no  cultivated  lady  employs  them.  Nothing  betrays  a  want  of 
culture  and  training  sooner  than  the  use  of  words  without  an  appreciation 
of  their  nice  shades  of  meaning.  The  habit  of  giving  girl-friends  harsh 
nicknames  that  have  no  possible  connection  with  their  real  names,  and 
coarse  greetings  that  ape  the  style  of  rough  boys,  always  lowers  girls  in  the 
estimation  of  sensible  people.  It  is  a  girl's  part  to  be  pretty  and  attractive, 
and  coarse  expressions  fall  from  lips  that  have  a  refined  and  gentle  look  like 
the  croak  of  a  raven  from  a  pretty  canary.  They  are  in  bad  taste,  simply 
because  not  in  keeping  with  what  the  girl  is  or  ought  to  be.  These  things 
seem  like  trifles,  perhaps,  but  the  charm  of  a  gentle  manner,  which  you  will 
all  covet  some  day,  is  made  up  of  just  such  trifles  ~* 


30  A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN. 

To  be  a  lady  it  is  not  necessary  to  be  prim  and  precise.  Prim  people  are 
generally  those  who  don't  know  exactly  what  they  ought  to  do,  and  so  are 
mortally  afraid  of  doing  something  wrong.  A  lady  is  frank,  cordial  and 
easy  in  manner,  and  seems  to  know  by  intuition  just  what  she  ought  to  do, 
and  has  no  occasion  to  be  precise  or  prim.  This  ease  of  manner  is  not  a 
matter  of  chance  or  birth,  but  is  the  result  of  the  daily  practice  of  polite- 
ness at  home,  and  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  customs  of  society. 

Girls  should  divest  themselves  early  of  the  idea  that  a  woman  is  more 
interesting  to  people  in  general  and  men  in  particular,  if  she  is  helpless  and 
useless.  The  limp,  sickly,  dependent  race  of  women  has  had  its  day.  No 
grown  man  or  woman  has  a  right  to  be  dependent  on  others  for  the  bread 
eaten  or  the  clothes  worn.  If  circumstances  do  not  require  actual  labor 
with  the  head  or  hands  to  earn  a  living,  both  head  and  hands  ought  to  be  in 
training  for  future  use  in  case  of  necessity.  The  child  who  has  no  ambition 
to  have  an  honorable  and  useful  career,  and  does  not  prepare  for  the  serious 
work  and  responsibilities  of  life,  because  a  rich  father  stands  between  him 
and  work  or  want,  is  likely  to  pay  dearly  for  his  folly.  The  tenure  of  prop- 
erty is  so  insecure  that  the  rich  man  of  to-day  is  in  poverty  to-morrow,  and 
there  are  no  more  pitiable,  helpless,  and  miserable  creatures  in  the  world 
than  those  bred  to  wealth  and  ease,  suddenly  thrown  upon  their  own 
resources  for  support.  They  are  like  men  who  do  not  know  how  to  swim, 
who  suddenly  find  themselves  in  water  beyond  their  depth.  But  even  if  the 
tenure  of  property  were  secure,  the  effect  upon  the  character  of  weak  depen- 
dence on  others  is  fatal  to  all  vigor  and  power.  The  vine  which  clings  to 
the  sturdy  trunk  for  support  has  no  strength ;  it  is  the  tree  that  stands  alone, 
breasting  the  winds,  that  strikes  its  roots  deep  and  defies  the  storms. 

Girls  ought  to  learn  the  value  of  time.  Not  one  in  a  thousand  knows 
how  to  enter  a  place  of  business,  state  concisely  just  what  she  wants,  and 
then  retire  with  the  least  possible  loss  of  time ;  and  yet  the  time  of  a  busi- 
ness man  is  as  valuable  a,s  his  money,  and  a  young  lady  might  as  rightfully 
rob  his  till  as  waste  his  time.  Men  frequently,  out  of  gallantry-,  spend  time 
with  ladies  in  transacting  business  which  they  would  never  waste  on  men, 
and  which  is  a  very  serious  loss  to  them.  A  mind  trained  to  accurate  and 
concise  expression  is  of  the  greatest  value  to  anybody  in  life,  and  is  certain 


A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN.  31 

to  make  an  impression  in  society  because  it  is  so  rare.  Men  simply  tolerate 
prolonged  twaddle  in  ladies  out  of  politeness,  but  the  woman  who  wins 
must  interest  and  charm.  To  be  simply  endured  while  present  is  to  be  for- 
gotten when  absent. 

It  is  a  mark  of  good  breeding  to  spend  money  wisely.  Wastefulness  is 
unmistakeable  evidence  of  vulgarity,  and,  besides,  shows  a  lack  of  brain 
and  culture.  To  spend  money  wisely  is  one  of  the  finest  accomplishments, 
and  comes  only  by  close  study  and  the  careful  consideration  of  various  claims 
and  wants.  It  is  not  the  real  needs  that  ruin  men  and  women,  but  the 
fancied  needs,  and  the  money  that  is  absolutely  wasted  would  relieve  all 
the  actual  want  in  the  world.  Money  paid  out  for  what  does  no  real  good 
and  is  of  no  real  use,  not  only  does  no  lasting  good,  but  does  do  lasting  harm. 
When  men  come  to  measure  themselves  and  each  other,  not  by  the  amount 
of  money  they  have  made  or  inherited,  but  by  their  knowledge  of  the 
divine  art  of  spending  it  wisely,  they  will  find  their  proper  levels.  Wise 
parents  give  their  girls  allowances — certain  sums  of  money  each  year  which 
are  to  meet  all  wants  of  clothing,  spending  money,  travel,  books,  etc.,  and 
require  correct  accounts  kept  and  balances  struck.  Book-keeping  is  an  im- 
portant part  of  every  woman's  education,  and  the  necessity  of  planning  to 
make  a  certain  sum  meet  certain  present  and  future  wants,  teaches  a  provi- 
dent care  of  resources  that  is  of  the  greatest  use  in  life.  English  ladies  of 
the  highest  rank  are  taught  book-keeping  and  economy  with  the  same  care 
that  is  given  to  instruction  in  other  branches  of  knowledge ;  and  in  frugal 
France,  the  richest  nation  of  the  earth,  economy  is  the  highest  accomplish- 
ment in  the  highest  circles.  It  is  only  the  rude  ana  half-trained  that  are 
extravagant.  The  well-bred  know  the  value  and  power  of  money,  and  prac- 
tice a  wise  economy  as  a  duty,  to  provide  against  future  disaster  to  them- 
selves and  those  dependent  on  them,  and  for  sweet  charity's  sake,  that  they 
may  give  timely  aid  to  the  needy  and  unfortunate. 

Above  all,  let  girls  remember  that  to  be  safe  they  must  guard  against  all 
appearance  of  evil  in  their  conduct.  A  lady  witness  in  a  St.  Louis  court 
said,  in  giving  her  testimony :  "  Give  me  the  least  grain  of  truth  for  a  basis, 
and  I  can  ruin  the  reputation  of  any  woman  in  the  world."  No  truer  testi- 
mony was  ever  given,  and  the  young  lady  who  holds  herself  so  cheaply  that 
her  conduct  is  open  to  suspicion,  has  no  right  to  complain  if  the  tongue  of 


32  A  CHAPTER  FOR  CHILDREN. 

the  gossip  and  the  slanderer  blasts  her  fair  name.  To  be  pure  and  seem  puro 
at  all  times  and  in  all  places,  is  to  establish  a  character  which  is  an  armor 
proof  against  envy,  malice  and  slander.  In  that  admirable  book,  "  Behav- 
ing," the  author  tells  the  secret  of  being  a  lady  in  this  way,  and  it  is  an  ap- 
propriate end  to  the  chapter : 

"  The  truest  ladies  I  ever  knew  had  two  things  so  blended  that  one  never 
knew  which  to  be  surest  of,  their  sincerity  or  their  kindness.  I  never  saw  a 
lady,  whether  she  was  a  girl  or  grown  woman,  who  had  ngt  the  faculty  a 
wise  writer  calls  a  '  genius  for  loving.'  It  was  born  in  them  and  grew  with 
them.  It  is  not  that  kind  of  '  I  don't  know  what  to  do  with  myself  feeling, 
that  makes  girls  throw  their  arms  around  the  nearest  friend  and  smother 
them  with  kisses ;  that  is  feigning  petty  jealousies  of  others,  and  saying,  '  I 
wish  you  could  love  me,'  when  one  isn't  in  a  mood  for  sweet  stuff.  The 
most  loving-hearted  girls  don't  show  their  feelings  by  any  means.  They  do 
not  love  to  kiss,  or  parade  affection,  but  they  are  kind,  O !  so  kind,  to  their 
last  breath  and  drop  of  strength,  to  those  who  need  and  deserve  their  care. 
Kind  with  the  kindness  that  makes  one  wise  for  others'  happiness,  so  that 
mother  looks  into  the  mending  basket  to  find  that  troublesome  torn  shirt 
made  whole,  and  the  apron  finished  for  Bobby ;  and  father  has  the  room 
quiet  for  a  long  evening  when  he  wants  to  read  the  debates,  or  make  calcu- 
lations, and  Jennie  finds  her  rain-spoiled  dress  sponged  and  ironed  fresh  in 
the  wardrobe,  and  Mrs.  Brown  over  the  way  sees  the  children  taken  out  of 
the  house  when  she  has  a  racking  headache,  and  the  teacher  knows  who 
will  run  up  the  flounces  and  sew  on  buttons  for  the  new  suit  she  is  hurrying 
to  make  out  of  school  hours.  There  is  nothing  too  homely  or  distasteful 
for  this  kind  of  girl  to  do,  and  she  might  take  for  her  signature  what  I  saw 
once  in  a  kind  letter  of  Elizabeth  Stoddard's,  the  novelist,  '  Yours  to  serve.' 
The  kisses  and  love-making  may  be  shy  enough  with  her,  but  the  kindness 
is  for  everybody,  and  it  runs  very  deep.  Nothing  draws  on  her  help  and 
sympathy  so  much  as  to  need  it  most,  to  be  without  interest  or  attraction  in 
any  way. 


THE  E33TRAHTCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 


"  Study  -with  care  politeness  that  must  teach 
The  modest  forms  of  gesture  and  of  speech. " 

It  is  lately  quite  the  fashion  to  give  childrens'  parties,  and  little  fellows 
who  have  not  graduated  from  tops  and  marbles,  play  the  beau  to  fine  young 
ladies  in  frills  and  furbelows,  who  have  left  their  dolls  snugly  ensconsed  in 
their  little  cradles,  while  they  flirt  after  the  fashion  of  their  older  sisters. 
Their  elders  look  on  amused,  but  shake  their  heads  and  sigh  for  the  cus- 
toms of  the  days  when  they  were  children,  and  there  was  no  such  thing  as 
this  "Young  America,"  whose  childhood  is  cut  short  by  hot-house  forcing. 
But  the  children  have  their  birthday  and  holiday  parties  just  the  same,  des- 
pite these  good-natured  protests,  and  how  to  make  them  schools  of  good 
manners  without  robbing  them  of  any  charm  or  pleasure,  is  the  important 
question.  There  is  no  pain  like  the  pain  of  bashfulness.  It  besets  and  de- 
feats the  young  man  and  woman  at  the  very  threshold  of  society,  renders 
them  embarrassed  and  helpless  blunderers,  painfully  self-conscious  them- 
selves, and  unable  to  confer  pleasure  upon  others.  If  these  parties  in  minia- 
ture help  to  wear  off  embarrassment  by  use,  and  to  make  familiar  the  cus- 
toms of  society,  that  will  be  some  compensation,  at  least. 

First,  then,  the  girl  who  gives  a  party  must  remember  that  she  does  it  to 
give  her  friends  a  good  time,  and  that  her  own  likes  and  dislikes  must  be 
put  aside  and  forgotten.  To  entertain,  one  must  be  entirely  unselfish."*  But 
remember  that  it  is  bad  taste  to  put  on  too  much  about  it.  Written  invita- 


34  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

tions  are  really  more  of  a  compliment  to  your  friends  than  printed  ones,  be- 
cause they  cost  more  trouble,  but  they  must  be  exquisitely  neat  and  perfect. 
If  your  party  is  not  large,  it  is  enough  to  send  invitation  by  word  of  mouth, 
as  the  only  object  of  a  written  or  printed  invitation  is  to  remind  people  of 
an  engagement  which  they  might  otherwise  forget.  If  written,  the  invita- 
tion should  be  on  a  full  sheet  of  small  note  paper  of  good  quality,  but  per- 
fectly plain,  with  a  neat  envelope  to  match;  and  it  must  be  sent  by  hand , 
never  by  mail  if  in  your  own  town  (unless  in  a  city  where  mails  are  deliv- 
ered daily),  as  in  that  case  you  could  never  be  sure  of  its  reaching  its  des- 
tination in  time.  The  form  should  be  simple,  but  not  formal.  Here  is  one : 

The  favor  of  your  company  is  requested  at  Mrs.  Hul- 
dah  Jackson's,  on  Wednesday  evening,  January  4th,  at 
half-past  seven  o'clock.  Dancing. 

B.  S.  V.  P. 

The  initials  at  the  bottom  stand  for  the  French,  "Respondez,  ail  vous  plait" 
and  mean,  "answer,  if  you  please."  Another  and  less  formal  note,  to  a 
intimate  friend  might  read  like  this : 

Dear  Annie:    My  friends  are  coming  Wednesday  eve- 
ning for  a  good  time.    Of  course,  I  want  you.    Will  you 
be  sure  and  come?    Half- past  seven,  and  dancing. 
-    12182dAve.  Hattie. 

If  there  is  to  be  dancing,  it  is  proper  to  say  so,  as  those  who  dance  like  to 
dress  in  a  lighter  way  than  when  there  is  to  be  only  music  and  games. 

After  the  invitations  are  sent,  preparations  follow.  All  the  means  of 
amusement,  in  door  and  out,  should  be  looked  up  and  made  ready — croquet, 
parlor  billiards,  battledores,  card  games,  music,  and  everything  that  will 
contribute  to  the  fun.  When  the  evening  comes,  you  must  remember  that 
you  are  not  to  show  off,  but  simply  to  serve  your  friends  and  make  them 
happy.  Dress  plainly,  and  take  your  place  by  your  mother,  near  the  door 
of  the  room  where  the  guests  are  to  be  received.  Speak  to  them  cordially  as 
they  enter,  and  try  your  best  to  make  all  comfortable  and  at  home  by  giving 
them  something  to  look  at  or  somebody  to  talk  to.  Be  particularly  attentive 
to  the  shy  ones ;  the  bright  and  gay  will  take  care  of  themselves. 

Those  who  receive  invitations  must  send  an  answer  accepting  at  once, 
BO  that  the  friend  may  know  how  many  she  has  to  entertain.  If  impossible 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  35 

to  accept,  or  if  anything  happens  after  accepting  to  prevent  going,  a  note  of 
"regret"  must  be  sent  explaining  why.  It  is  very  rude  not  to  respond  to 
an  invitation  at  once,  or  as  soon  as  possible.  The  following  form  would  be 
good  for  an  acceptance  of  the  first  note : 

Alice  Weatherby  accepts  with  pleasure  the  kind  invi- 
tation of  Mrs.  Huldah  Jackson  for  Wednesday  evening 
at  half-past  seven. 

Or,  if  it  is  impossible  to  accept,  this  is  the  proper  form: 

Alice  Weatherby  regrets  that  the  illness  of  her  mother 
[give  here  the  real  reason  for  declining]  prevents  her 
acceptance  of  Mrs.  Jackson's  kind  invitation  for  Wed- 
nesday evening. 

An  answer  to  the  second  invitation  should  be  less  formal,  and  might  prop- 
erly be  something  like  this : 

Dear  Hattie:    Of  course  I  will  be  with  you,  and  I  can 
hardly  wait  for  Wednesday  evening  to  come.    Annie. 
27  Helen  St. 

Or,  if  you  decline  it : 

Dear  Hattie:  My  sister  is  very  ill,  and  I  cannot  be 
with  you  next  Wednesday.  lam  more  sorry  than  you 
can  be,  for  I  know  you  will  have  a  gay  time  with  all 
your  friends  Annie.  - 

27  Helen  St. 

All  these  notes  should  be  extremely  simple  and  brief,  and  should  be  en- 
closed in  a  neatly  fitting  envelope  and  directed  to  the  person  who  extends 
the  invitation.  Any  attempt  at  saying  smart  things  in  notes  of  invitation 
and  acceptance  is  entirely  out  of  taste,  and  if  you  feel  like  doing  it,  see 
that  the  wings  of  your  genius  are  promply  clipped. 

When  you  attend  a  party  as  a  guest  you  must  dress  in  your  best,  out  of  com- 
pliment to  the  friend  who  has  invited  you.  If  you  have  a  visitor  staying  with 
you,  it  is  proper  to  ask  permission  to  bring  him  with  you,  and  no  lady 
would  think  for  a  moment  of  refusing  such  a  request.  If  the  party  is  very 
"  stylish,"  the  servant  will  take  you  up  stairs  or  direct  you  to  a  room  where 
you  can  lay  off  your  wraps,  and  see  that  your  hair  and  dress  are  in  perfect 


36  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

order.  It  is  the  duty  of  all  guests  to  dress  their  neatest  and  look  ther  pret- 
tiest; if  you  cannot  afford  rich  dresses,  you  can  afford  to  have  them  neat 
and  tidy,  and  everything  so  firmly  in  place  that  you  need  not  give  another 
thought  to  your  dress  during  the  whole  evening.  One  of  the  grandest  ladies 
of  Revolutionary  times  used  to  say  that  she  would  never  forgive  a  girl  who 
did  not  dress  to  please,  or  who  appeared  pleased  with  her  dress,  and  nothing 
is  so  weak  or  ill-mannered  as  to  show  that  you  are  vain  of  your  clothes. 
The  best  thing  is  to  forget  yourself  as  soon  as  you  can.  The  best  reason  for 
studying  dress  thoroughly  is  that  the  consciousness  of  being  arrayed  in 
good  taste  enables  one  to  forget  all  about  dress.  It  is  a  duty  to  dress  as  well 
as  one  can,  and  then  comes  the  higher  duty  of  doing  a  full  share  toward 
making  the  evening  happy  and  agreeable  for  others.  It  is  a  very  vain  and 
weak  vanity  that  crops  out  in  clothes,  and  no  girl  who  indulges  it  can  find 
the  winning  secret  of  a  true  lady. 

When  you  are  ready  do  not  leave  the  dressing  room  until  those  who  came 
with  you  are  ready,  so  that  you  may  go  down  to  the  reception  room  together. 
There  you  will  find  your  friend  and  her  mother  near  the  door,  ready  to 
receive  you.  You  are  to  go  up  and  speak  first  to  the  lady  and  then  to  each 
of  the  others,  the  boys  bowing,  and  the  girls  bowing  or  making  a  courtesy — 
a  fashion  that  is  coming  back  again.  The  bow  need  not  be  low,  but  should 
bend  the  shoulders  slightly.  You  need  only  to  say,  "  Good  evening,  Mrs. 
Jackson."  It  is  her  duty  to  say  something  pleasant  to  you.  Keep  your  wits 
about  you,  and  if  those  who  receive  you  have  anything  to  say  to  you,  be 
sure  to  give  sensible  answers.  If  nothing  is  said  to  you  after  the  first  greet- 
ing, it  is  better  to  pass  on  and  talk  with  some  one  else,  giving  way  to  those 
who  come  after  you.  Jf  you  take  a  friend  who  is  not  known  to  the  hostess, 
you  must  present  him  as  you  enter  the  room,  after  making  your  own  greet- 
ing. Say,  "  Mrs.  Jackson,  this  is  Willie  May,  whom  you  told  me  to  bring," 
or  something  like  it,  always  speaking  her  name  first,  and  the  friend's  clear- 
ly and  distinctly. 

After  making  your  greetings,  do  not  get  into  a  corner  and  wait  for  some- 
body to  drag  you  out  and  entertain  you,  but  remember  that  you  are  on  your 
good  behavior,  pledged  in  honor  to  make  yourself  as  agreeable  as  possible 
to  everybody.  If  a  stranger,  do  not  hide  away  in  an  obscure  corner,  nor  on 
the  other  hand  make  yourself  conspicuous,  but  if  introductions  are  over- 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  37 

looked,  remember  that  you  are  at  liberty  to  speak  to  any  one  without  cere- 
mony. The  fact  that  you  are  present  and  that  all  are  friends  of  the  hostess, 
makes  you  equals  and  puts  you  on  the  footing  of  acquaintances.  Never 
look  for  or  notice  slights.  It  is  a  mark  of  high-breeding  not  to  notice  what 
looks  like  neglect,  which  is  generally  not  intentional  but  the  result  of  care- 
lessness or  ignorance.  Defer  to  the  wishes  of  others.  A  party  of  all  places 
in  the  world,  is  the  worst  to  insist  on  personal  preferences  or  to  show  hasty 
temper.  To  spoil  the  pleasure  of  others  by  tears,  or  sulking,  or  temper,  is 
selfish  and  weak,  besides  betraying  the  worst  of  manners. 

Those  who  are  always  gentlemen  and  ladies  at  home,  have  no  difficulty 
in  being  polite  at  parties.  Forget  yourself  and  think  of  others  and  of  mak- 
ing them  happy  and  you  are  certain  to  please.  Those  who  put  on  "com- 
pany manners"  are  sure  to  betray  their  ill-breeding.  They  use  too  fine  lan- 
guage, or  try  to  be  too  sweet,  or  over-exert  themselves  in  trying  to  please  and 
make  an  impression.  They  are  not  only  uncomfortable  themselves  with 
trying  to  keep  up  the  appearance  of  politeness,  but  they  make  themselves 
ridiculous  in  the  eyes  of  everybody  else.  "  Company  manners,"  to  which 
one  is  not  accustomed  every  day,  are  as  painful  as  a  new  pair  of  boots,  and 
give  one  an  equally  ungraceful  appearance. 

When  supper  is  served,  every  lad  will  look  for  some  lassie  to  wait  on.  He 
will  first  take  care  that  she  is  served  with  everything  she  wants ;  will  find 
her  a  seat  if  seats  are  in  order,  and  bring  the  plate  of  oysters,  and  cold 
tongue,  and  afterward  cake  and  jellies  and  ice  cream,  if  there  are  such 
things  to  be  eaten  and  the  company  are  not  served  by  waiters  who  pass  round. 
When  all  sit  down  at  table,  the  lassie  is  not  so  dependent,  and  the  gallantry 
of  the  lad  is  not  taxed  to  so  great  an  extent.  It  is  his  duty  then  to  see  that 
she  is  offered  everything  that  is  passed,  and  to  keep  up  as  lively  a  conversa- 
tion as  possible.  Your  manners  at  table  should  not  differ  from  those  of 
grown  up  people,  and  you  will  find  a  full  chapter  about  them  further  on  in 
this  book,  but  you  must  take  care  not  to  eat  greedily  of  the  good  things,  and 
not  to  carry  off  anything  in  your  pocket. 

If  you  are  asked  to  sing  or  play  and  you  can  do  it,  consent  at  once  with- 
out tedious  urging,  and  sing  only  one  song  or  play  one  air  at  a  time.  It  is 
selfish  to  take  up  the  time,  to  the  exclusion  of  others  who  may  sing  or  play 
as  well  or  better  than  you,  and  it  looks  like  showing  off.  If  you  cannot  play 


38  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

or  sing  well,  refuse  quietly  but  steadily  to  make  a  spectacle  of  yourself,  but 
when  you  are  asked  to  do  something  you  are  able  to  do  well,  do  it  promptly 
and  cheerfully  as  your  share  towards  making  the  evening  pass  pleasantly. 
If  you  receive  compliments,  accept  them  thankfully  and  modestly,  as  if  you 
believed  them  candidly  given,  but  never  repeat  them,  except  to  your 
mother  or  some  friend  so  intimately  and  warmly  attached  to  you  as  to  be 
almost  a  part  of  yourself.  In  games  or  dance,  do  not  always  choose  the  best 
or  most  popular  partner.  Bring  out  the  plain  and  shy  ones  and  help  them 
to  show  to  the  best  advantage.  Never  make  fun  of  any  one,  and  never 
allow  any  one  else  to  make  fun  of  your  partner.  A  quiet  look  will  generally 
suffice  to  silence  any  one  who  is  so  rude  and  impertinent,  and  will  teach 
him  besides  a  good  lesson  in  politeness.  Never  criticise  dress ;  if  you  do 
and  the  dress  is  rich  and  costly,  it  will  be  set  down  as  envy ;  if  it  is  poor  and 
shabby,  any  notice  of  it  will  not  only  be  impolite  but  downright  mean  and 
cowardly.  If  some  friend  is  dressed  in  particularly  good  taste,  or  looks 
exceedingly  well,  it  is  a  very  pretty  and  graceful  compliment  to  tell  her  so, 
frankly  and  sincerely. 

Do  not  be  the  last  to  leave  a  party  if  you  can  avoid  it.  Find  the  lady  of 
the  house  to  say  good  night,  and  thank  her  for  the  pleasure  of  the  evening 
if  you  have  really  found  it  pleasant,  and  you  certainly  have  if  you  have 
tried  your  best  to  make  it  agreeable  and  pleasant  for  others.  Then  get  your 
wraps,  say  good  bye  to  all  the  friends  you  meet,  if  it  is  a  large  party,  or  if  it 
a  small  circle  of  intimate  friends,  shake  hands  and  say  good  night  to  each. 

The  parties  of  which  we  have  written  thus  far  have  been  real  children's 
affairs,  with  very  little  of  formality.  The  first  really  formal  party  given  for 
a  young  girl,  is  that  which  celebrates  her  debut  into  society.  This  is  not  so 
frequently  observed  in  this  country  as  in  Europe,  where  it  is  an  absolute 
custom  because,  abroad,  young  girls  know  nothing  of  society  until  they  have 
"finished  their  education"  in  convents  or  seminaries,  where  all  their  love- 
liness is  hidden  away  until  the  "coming  out"  party  or  ball  is  given,  and  the 
school-girl  with  a  flutter  at  her  heart  and  maidenly  blushes,  is  presented  to 
the  circle  of  acquaintances  in  which  she  is  to  move  and  have  her  social 
being,  henceforth  a  full-fledged  young  lady.  Foreigners  say  with  too  much 
truth  that  "there  are  no  children  in  America."  Too  often  there  Is  a  hot, 
house  pressure  in  the  life  here  that  brings  them  on  to  maturity  too  early,  and 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  39 

robs  them  of  a  part  of  what  ought  to  be  the  most  delightful  period  of  life. 
They  see  everything  that  is  to  be  seen,  read  everything  that  is  to  be  read. 
They  never  seem  to  begin  to  go  into  society ;  apparently  they  were  always 
society  people.  They  know  the  theatre,  the  opera,  the  ball,  and  are  preco- 
ciously fond  of  finery  and  the  gew-gaws  of  dress  and  frivolous  fashion ;  and 
so  well  do  they  ape-the  vanities  and  vices  of  their  elders,  that  it  is  no  won- 
der that  sensible  people  long  for  the  establishment  here  of  the  wholesome 
restraint  that  is  the  rule  abroad!  For  such  children  as  these  a  formal  debut 
would  have  neither  charm  nor  meaning.  But  for  the  girl  whose  childhood 
has  been  prolonged  by  sensible  parents  to  the  period  nature  intended,  a 
"coming-out"  party  is  a  pretty  compliment,  and  a  very  pleasant  introduc- 
tion into  society.  It  lifts  the  veil  which  has  heretofore  hidden  the  gay 
world  from  her  view,  and  she  passes  the  threshold  into  recognized  woman- 
hood, to  begin  her  career  in  a  broader  if  not  a  happier  existence. 

The  girl  who  is  about  to  enter  society,  should  have  some  qualifications 
for  its  duties.  She  has  of  course,  graduated  at  school,  and  ought  to  be  well 
grounded  in  all  the  branches  which  make  up  a  common  education.  She 
ought  to  write  a  neat  hand,  and  her  correspondence  should  be  faultless  in 
spelling  and  grammar.  If  she  kn6ws  French  and  German  sufficiently  for 
society  purposes,  so  much  the  better.  She  should  sing  simple  ballads  with 
taste  and  expression,  or  play  with  a  good  touch  upon  some  musical  instru- 
ment. She  should  walk  with  ease  and  grace,  sit  without  stiffness,  carry  her 
dress  stylishly,  and  dance  with  elegance.  It  is  indispensable  that  she  should 
have  a  general  knowledge  of  the  rules  which  govern  polite  society,  and  a 
modest  self-control  that  enables  her  to  conceal  especially  strong  dislikes  and 
preferences,  and  helps  her  to  be  amiable  to  equals  and  courteous  and  respect- 
ful to  superiors  in  age  or  position.  She  must  be  mistress  of  all  useful  and 
sensible  arts  of  the  toilet ;  loving  neatness  and  order,  she  must  be  something 
of  an  artist  in  dress,  to  enable  her  to  arrange  her  apparel  with  perfect  taste 
and  skill. 

The  preparations  for  the  party  should  be  as  quiet  and  secret  as  possible, 
so  that  the  pleasure  of  the  surprise  may  enhance  the  eclat  of  the  occasion. 
Every  arrangement  should  be  perfect  and  delicate,  the  refreshments  dainty 
and  rare,  and  the  floral  decorations  fresh  and  fragrant.  The  music-should 
be  soft  and  sweet,  like 


40  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

"The  tender  ripple  of  silvery  music, 
i'inied  to  the  dance  of  fairy  feet." 

The  toilet  of  the  debutante  should  be  very  simple.  She  wears  for  the  first 
time  a  train,  with  her  hair  dressed  in  the  prevailing  fashion.  The  material 
of  the  dress  should  be  of  white  tulle,  trimmed  with  fresh  flowers;  blush 
roses  for  maidenly  blushes,  lilies  of  the  valley  denoting  purity  and  inno- 
cence, violets  as  emblems  of  modesty,  and  forget-me-nots  to  show  that  she 
bids  good  bye  to  childhood  not  without  regret.  She  now  receives  the  cour- 
teous attentions  of  the  young  gentlemen,  and  for  this  time  she  is  permitted 
to  give  herself  up  to  the  full  enjoyment  of  the  occasion  without  assuming 
any  care  of  the  guests.  She  may  dance  no  matter  who  may  be  partnerless, 
and,  although  the  daughter  of  the  hostess,  her  claims,  which  at  any  other 
time  would  be  secondary,  are  now  paramount,  for  she  is  the  central  figure 
of  the  occasion — the  "star"  in  the  social  drama. 

The  proper  time  for  the  young  lady  to  enter  society  in  this  formal  way  is 
from  seventeen  to  twenty,  but  much  depends  upon  circumstances  and  the 
maturity  of  the  young  lady  herself.  If  there  are  older  unmarried  daughters, 
the  occasion  is  delayed  for  obvious  reasons.  Many  young  girls  of  fifteen 
are  unfortunately  more  mature,  and  better  fitted  to  enter  society  than  others 
at  twenty,  and  it  is  for  the  mother  to  determine  the  time  when,  by  a  proper 
celebration,  her  daughter  shall  be  accepted  by  society  as  a  fully  matured 
woman,  who  may  receive  the  attentions  of  gentlemen.  This  transition  is 
marked  by  the  invitation  of  such  fitting  friends  as  she  wishes  to  constitute 
the  circle  in  which  her  daughter  is  to  move.  The  celebration  is  notice  that 
the  young  lady  has  the  accomplishments  and  knowledge  necessary  to  fit 
her  to  fit  her  to  be  a  useful  and  attractive  member  of  society,  a  belle  of  her 
chosen  circle,  and  queen  of  some  household  over  which  she  hopes  to  be 
invited  to  reign ;  for  the  debut  is  a  confession  that  it  is  natural  for  women  to 
become  wives,  and  that  all  proper  aims  of  a  girl's  life  tend  towards  this  rela- 
tion. It  is  a  barrier  between  immaturity  and  culture,  and  notice  of  the  com- 
pletion of  an  apprenticeship.  Previous  to  this  event,  the  young  girl  is  not 
supposed  to  have  sufficient  intelligence  to  interest  the  mature  of  her  own 
sex,  and  too  little  discretion  to  associate  with  gentlemen.  Up  to  this  time, 
in  the  best  American  society,  she  is  never  seen  at  a  party  made  up  of  ma- 
ture people,  outside  her  father's  house,  nor  is  she  present  at  any  formal  en- 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  41 

tertainment  at  home,  except  on  birthday  anniversaries,  christenings,  or 
marriages.  The  wisdom  of  this  rule  of  society  is  founded  on  a  wise  care  for 
the  early  training  and  culture  of  the  coming  woman.  Admitting  that  she 
might  interest  her  mother's  guests,  and  that  she  possesses  maturity  of  mind 
and  discretion  enough  to  meet  equals  of  the  opposite  sex,  a  taste  for  the  fasci- 
nations of  gay  society,  at  an  age  of  great  susceptibility  and  small  power  of 
self-restraint,  would  seriously  interrupt  the  progress  of  her  mental  and  moral 
growth.  The  custom  of  allowing  young  girls  to  enter  society  before  leaving 
school,  which  prevails  in  the  smaller  towns  and  circles  where  the  reins  are 
loosely  held,  is  pernicious  in  the  extreme,  and  results  in  letting  loose  raw 
and  half-trained  girls,  whose  immaturity  and  free  manners  lower  to  a  dan- 
gerous level  the  whole  tone  of  society. 

The  invitations  to  a  debut  are  issued  about  ten  days  before  the  event. 
Previous  to  this  the  mother  and  older  unmarried  sisters  call — or  at  least 
leave  their  own  with  their  father's  and  brothers'  cards — upon  all  acquaint- 
ances who  are  to  be  invited.  The  invitations  should  be  engraved  in  script 
on  cards  or  note  paper,  and  of  the  size  which  the  fashion  of  the  season  dic- 
tates. Sometimes  the  special  purpose  of  the  party  is  indicated  on  the  card, 
as  the  following  form,  with  the  name  of  the  young  lady  who  makes  the 
debut: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Charles  Anderson 

request  the  pleasure  of 

presenting  their  eldest  [or  second]  daughter, 
Miss  Alice  E.  Anderson, 
to 


on  Thursday  evening,  October  9th,  at  half-past  eight  o'clock. 
Dancing  at  eleven.  219  Girard  Ave. 

A  simpler  form,  more  generally  approved,  is  the  following: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Charles  Anderson 
request  the  pleasure  of  your  presence  on  Thursday  evening, 

October  9th,  at  half-past  eight  o'clock. 
Dancing  at  eleven.  219  Girard  Ave. 

With  this  form  the  simple  card  of  the  young  lady  is  inclosed  with  the  invi- 
tation. The  invitations  may  be  sent  by  post,  provided  deliveries  are  prompt 
and  there  is  no  danger  of  such  delay  as  would  imperil  its  prompt  receipt. 
It  was  formerly  held  to  be  impolite  to  mail  invitations,  but  the  rapid  system 


42  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

of  delivery  now  in  vogue  in  all  cities  removes  the  objection,  and  with  it 
ought  to  follow  the  custom,  when  convenience  is  subserved.  If  sent  by 
post,  it  is  proper  to  enclose  all  invitations  to  one  family  in  a  single  outer 
envelope,  addressed  to  the  family.  If  delivered  by  a  messenger,  no  extra 
envelope  is  necessary,  the  custom  of  using  the  outer  wrap  having  become 
obsolete.  One  envelope  is  addressed,  "Mr.  and  Mrs.  Kilpatrick."  If  there 
are  more  daughters  than  one,  the  address  is  "Misses  Kilpatrick,"  or  "The 
Misses  Kilpatrick."  Each  son  must  have  a  separate  invitation.  The  young 
ladies  together,  and  each  of  the  young  gentlemen  separately,  use  the  same 
form,  beginning  their  notes,  "The  Misses  Kilpatrick,"  or  "Misses  Kilpat- 
rick," or  "Mr.  Frank  Kilpatrick,"  following  the  style  of  the  address  on  the 
envelope  which  enclosed  their  invitatious. 

Replies  must  be  sent  by  each  of  the  parties  whose  addresses  appear  on 
the  envelopes,  and  must  be  forwarded  promptly.  The  form  of  reply  should 
be  direct  and  simple,  the  following  being  generally  approved  and  used : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  I.  C.  Kilpatrick 

accept  with  pleasure 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Charles  Anderson's 

kind  invitation  for  Thursday  evening,  October  9th. 

16  Clark  Street. 

It  is  a  very  pretty  custom  for  intimate  friends  to  send  flowers  on  the  morn- 
ing of  the  party  day,  but  it  is  not  rigidly  observed. 

During  the  reception,  the  young  debutante  stands  at  the  left  of  her  mother, 
and  is  presented  to  her  elders  and  to  ladies.  Gentlemen  are,  of  course,  pre- 
sented to  her.  Welcomes  and  brief  congratulations  are  offered  by  guests  as 
they  pass  and  make  way  for  the  presentation  of  others  as  they  arrive. 

On  the  announcement  of  supper,  if  there  is  no  brother,  the  father  escorts 
the  young  lady  to  the  table,  and  the  mother  follows  last  of  all,  accompanied 
by  the  most  honored  of  the  gentlemen  present.  If  there  is  a  brother,  the 
father  leads  the  way  with  the  most  distinguished  lady  of  the  party,  the 
brother  follows  with  the  debutante,  and  seats  her  at  her  father's  left  hand. 
In  the  dancing  room,  the  first  partner  is  selected  by  the  mother  from  among 
kinsmen  or  the  very  near  and  intimate  friends  of  the  family,  but  he  is  to 
dance  only  once  with  her,  and  no  other  gentleman  may  ask  for  the  honor  a 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  43 

second  time,  though  he  may  express  his  regret  that  the  rights  of  others  on 
this  evening  do  not  allow  him  the  pleasure  of  a  second  dance. 

The  ceremonious  calls  that  follow  the  party  must,  of  course,  include  the 
young  lady,  but  during  the  first  season  she  has  no  card  of  her  own,  makes 
DO  formal  calls  alone,  nor  does  she  receive  visits  of  gentlemen  without  her 
mother  or  a  chaperon.  If  her  mother  is  unable  to  receive  with  her,  she 
declines  a  visit.  For  the  first  season  her  name,  if  she  is  the  eldest  unmar- 
ried daughter,  appears  as  "Miss  Anderson,"  or  if  she  have  older  sisters  at 
home,  as  "  Miss  Alice  E.  Anderson,"  beneath  that  of  her  mother.  After  the 
first  season,  she  is  entitled  to  a  separate  card,  and  may  be  considered  as 
fairly  launched  into  the  fascinating  world  of  society. 

After  the  young  lady  has  been  introduced  into  society,  in  Europe,  she 
appears  afterward,  until  her  marriage,  under  the  care  of  a  chaperon,  a  woman 
of  discreet  years,  a  lady  of  refinement,  intelligent  in  all  that  pertains  to 
politeness  and  the  requirements  of  social  life.  It  is  her  special  trust  to  take 
her  young  charge  into  society ;  she  is  responsible  for  her  conduct,  a  cover 
for  her  failings  and  imperfections,  and  her  knowledge  must  supply  the 
young  girl's  lack  of  experience.  She  enters  the  reception  or  ball  room  with 
her,  and  the  young  lady  remains  at  her  side  during  the  evening,  except 
when  she  is  on  the  floor  dancing.  The  gentlemen  who  select  her  for  a  part- 
ner, request  the  pleasure  from  the  chaperon,  and  it  is  her  they  thank  after 
the  dance,  when  they  return  the  fair  girl  to  her  keeping.  All  favors  are  re- 
ferred to  her,  and  it  is  to  her  the  gentleman  must  pay  his  court  if  he  wishes 
to  advance  his  interests.  This  surveillance  is  not  agreeable  to  the  American 
girl,  who  rebels  against  sinking  her  individuality  in  another,  though  ever 
so  much  wiser  than  herself,  and  the  duties  of  the  chaperon  are  much  cur- 
tailed in  American  society,  and  no  doubt  to  the  peril  of  the  young  lady,  on 
account  of  the  freedom  permitted  in  many  circles.  It  is  true  that  gentlemen 
are  educated  to  be  the  social  protectors  of  women,  but  there  are  men  with- 
out honor  in  every  circle,  whose  study  it  is  to  entrap  the  giddy  and  unwary, 
whose  exterior  polish  and  insinuating  manners  make  them  dangerous  asso- 
ciates for  inexperienced  and  immature  girls;  and  the  practice  of  sending- 
young  ladies  unattended,  or  accompanied  only  by  some  young  married 
friend,  to  parties  composed  wholly  of  young  people,  tends  to  a  freedom  of 
manners  than  lowers  the  tone  of  society,  besides  robbing  it  of  the  charm 


44  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

which  depends  upon  the  contact  of  various  ages.  The  highest  pleasure  is 
temperate,  and  comes  with  a  wholesome  restraint,  and  youth  is  prodigal 
and  lawless  when  unchecked  by  the  presence  of  those  who  have  been  taught 
the  high  uses  of  self-control.  But  it  is  impossible  to  establish  the  foreign 
chaperon  in  America,  even  were  it  desirable,  and  it  remains  to  lessen  so  far 
as  possible  the  dangers  which  result  from  the  free  and  unrestrained  associa- 
tion of  young  people.  The  old  theory  was  based  on  the  idea  that  the  young 
girl  must  be  kept  ignorant  and  innocent,  with  her  real  character  as  yet 
unformed,  until  she  was  turned  over  to  her  husband  in  marriage.  The 
American  practice  is  to  send  her  into  society,  with  the  presumption  that  she 
is  a  mature  woman,  strong  enough  to  take  care  of  herself  if  her  natural 
protector  fails  her,  or,  if  need  be,  to  protect  herself  against  him  who  should 
in  hpnor  be  her  protector.  To  be  safe  she  must  have  that  virtue  which 
<jom.es  of  knowledge.  Innocence  and  ignorance  are  weakness,  but  virtue 
oomes  of  the  full  knowledge  that  takes  the  measure  of  danger,  guards 
against,  and  overcomes  it. 

The  responsibility  for  one's  own  safety  and  fair  name,  develops  a  strength 
of  character  in  American  girls  unknown  abroad,  and,  at  some  serious  risk 
it  is  true,  gives  them  what  is  better  than  the  weakness  of  innocence,  the 
strength  of  purity  and  virtue.  Character  does  not  grow  in  the  shadow  of 
the  chaperon,  and  it  is  the  part  of  parents  and  teachers  to  develop  the  char- 
acter, by  imparting  not  only  a  knowledge  of  books,  but  a  knowledge  of  the 
world,  of  men,  and  most  of  all,  of  her  own  mysterrous  nature.  The  old 
fancy  that  woman,  to  be  interesting,  must  be  ignorant,  innocent,  and  fitted 
only  for  a  life  of  dependence  and  idleness,  has  long  since  been  exploded- 
No  woman  can  have  too  high  attainments.  A  fine  brain,  high  culture,  the 
power  of  self-restraint,  a  modest  self-reliance,  an  enlightened  conscience, 
and  a  correct  and  practical  knowledge,  will  enable  her,  in  the  event  of  dis- 
aster, to  earn  her  own  living  through  life  as  surely  as  her  stronger  brother. 
And  when  the  fact  is  fully  recognized,  that  freedom  degenerates  into  license 
only  with  the  ignorant,  and  half-trained,  and  the  idle,  the  chief  peril  of 
society  in  America  to  young  women,  will  be  averted. 

The  young  gentleman  steps  into  society  without  formality.  He  begins, 
perhaps,  by  assisting  his  mother  at  her  entertainments,  and  escorting  his  sis- 
ters on  informal  visits  to  intimate  friends.  His  deportment  and  merits  win 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  45 

him  an  invitation,  he  enters  society  quietly,  and  is  thenceforth  a  recognized 
member  of  his  circle.  Or  if  he  has  been  educated  abroad,  or  has  been  absent 
from  home,  upon  his  return,  his  mother  or  sisters  leave  his  card  with  their 
own,  which  signifies  that  his  family  expect  him  to  be  included  whenever 
hospitalities  are  extended  to  themselves. 

A  young  man,  on  his  entrance  into  society,  cannot  be  too  careful  to  win 
the  good  opinion  of  women.  Their  approbation  will  compensate  for  the 
lack  of  fortune,  talent,  and  a  hundred  other  good  qualities.  Those  whose 
charms  are  beginning  to  wane  are  especially  powerful  allies.  They  are 
eager  to  gain  new  admirers,  and  it  is  a  pleasure  as  well  as  a  triumph  to 
encourage  and  in  a  manner  train  the  new  candidate  for  a  career,  the  bril- 
liancy of  which  will  reflect  some  rays  of  light  in  their  direction.  But  it  is. 
a  fatal  mistake  to  attempt  to  please  by  aiming  at  effect.  People  who  aim  at 
making  an  impression,  however  clever,  are  voted  bores  and  public  nui- 
sances. Besides,  they  are  always  sp  self-conscious  and  so  occupied  with 
their  own  schemes,  that  they  have  no  time  to  learn  from  others,  and  so  to 
profit  by  experience.  The  attrition  of  society,  where  men  give  and  take, 
makes  them  quicker  and  brighter,  and  gives  them  that  ready  adaptation  to 
others  and  to  circumstances  that  acts  like  an  intuition.  Those  who  aim  at 
effect  are  tiresome  talkers,  intruding  into  conversation,  relating  anecdotes 
with  endless  and  irrelevant  details,  or  delivering  dull  disquisitions;  and, 
worse  than  all,  they  are  bad  listeners.  Every  young  man  who  expects  to 
win  in  society  must  be  a  good  listener,  and  while  he  speaks  his  well  consid- 
ered opinion  with  modest  assurance,  must  be  content  to  hear,  observe,  and 
consider.  The  conversation  of  women  who  are  not  lavishly  endowed  with 
beauty,  will  prove  of  the  most  advantage,  because  they  rely  on  their  man- 
ners and  conversation  as  the  source  of  social  power,  rather  than  on  personal 
attractions.  They  are  without  pride  and  haughty  pretensions,  and  not  too 
much  occupied  with  their  own  charms  to  cultivate  elegance  in  manner  and 
expression.  Their  kindness  will  pardon  errors  which  handsome  women 
would  resent  or  ridicule,  and  their  lessons  are  so  delicately  given  that  they 
teach  without  offending.  Most  men  are  blunderers  in  all  the  nice  shades  of 
propriety  and  impropriety,  and  if  they  ever  learn  to  perceive  them,  it  is 
through  the  finer  and  subtler  sense  of  refined  and  cultured  women.  One  of 
the  first  things  a  young  man  must  learn  is  to  tolerate  the  caprices  of  women. 


46  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

This  is  just,  because  he  in  turn  asks  greater  charity  for  greater  faults.  But 
even  this  gallantry  may  be  carried  so  far  as  to  involve  a  loss  of  respect.  To 
tolerate  or  overlook  is  not  to  approve  or  defend. 

The  language  of  compliment  must  be  discreetly  used.  No  praise  is  safe 
that  has  not  truth  behind  it,  and  flattery  is  despised  by  strong  natures.  A 
compliment,  frankly  given,  for  merit  that  really  exists,  is  always  safe  and 
always  agreeable.  Vain  men  and  women  like  to  be  praised  for  the  very 
qualities  they  do  not  possess,  but  the  flattery  that  puffs  up  is  alike  degrad- 
ing to  the  flatterer,  and  damaging  to  the  flattered. 

In  intercourse  with  gentlemen  who  are  seniors  in  age,  the  conduct  of 
young  men  should  be  marked  with  respectful  deference.  With  equals,  cul- 
tivate a  decent  modesty  which  avoids  forwardness  on  the  one  \iand,  and  is 
far  removed  from  bashfulness  on  the  other.  In  conversation,  listen  well 
and  say  little,  but  when  you  speak,  speak  of  what  you  thoroughly  know, 
and  with  perfect  assurance.  It  is  an  intuition  in  both  men  and  women  to 
admire  virility,  and  bashfulness  betrays  a  conscious  weakness,  while  a  mod- 
est but  steady  assurance  shows  a  proper  estimate  and  a  proper  assertion  of 
the  good  qualities  one  is  conscious  of  possessing. 

There  is  no  undue  assurance  in  being  able  to  present  one's  self  with  an 
easy  coolness  and  unconcern  in  any  circle ;  indeed,  he  who  cannot  do  this 
is  never  able  to  do  his  own  merit  justice.  Whatever  is  done  under  embar- 
rassment must  be  poorly  done,  and  until  a  man  is  easy  and  unconcerned  in 
company,  he  is  never  an  agreeable  or  comfortable  companion.  A  little  rea- 
soning ought  to  banish  bashfulness.  Vice  and  ignorance  are  the  only  things 
of  which  one  need  be  ashamed,  and  as  long  as  he  is  clear  of  them,  no  man 
need  feel  or  show  timidity  in  any  presence. 

The  first  attention  of  the  young  man  should  be  to  acquire  ease  in  society. 
Grace  and  that  quickness  of  perception  and  fine  sense  of  propriety  which 
mark  the  perfect  gentleman,  come  by  use.  An  easy  manner  and  a  keen  ob- 
servation are  sufficient  qualifications  for  society,  and  long  association  with 
others  makes  one  master  of  the  delicate  shades  of  conduct  that  divide  civil- 
ity and  intrusiveness,  familiarity  and  commonplace,  pleasantry  and  sar- 
casm, the  natural  from  the  rude,  and  bright  gayety  from  that  carelessness 
that  borders  on  bad  breeding.  It  requires  only  study  of  books  and  brief  con- 
tact with  society  to  know  what  to  do ;  to  know  what  to  avoid  is  the  stum- 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  47 

bling  block  over  which  those  who  possess  the  most  social  tact  sometimes 
trip. 

To  the  young  man  new  in  the  world,  there  comes  a  new  form  of  tempta- 
tion. He  sees  distinguished  and  successful  men,  with  peculiar  affectations, 
habits  or  vices.  These  men  have  not  succeeded  by  means  of  them,  but  in 
spite  of  them,  but  many  youths  are  weak  enough  to  suppose  that  by  adopt- 
ing the  faults  or  follies  of  greatness  they  may  convince  the  world  that  the 
mantle  of  greatness  has  fallen  upon  them.  Horace  Greeley,  who  by  a  vig- 
orous and  fertile  mind,  made  his  name  a  household  word  for  a  generation, 
wrote  an  execrable  hand,  and  thousands  of  men  are  to-day  writing  scrawls, 
because  in  youth  they  imagined  that  if  they  acquired  a  tasteful  penmanship 
they  would  n'ot  be  suspected  of  latent  genius.  Of  a  piece  with  these  are 
those  who  affect  Byroniq  collars,  and  cynical  manners.  Age  and  experi- 
ence may  dispel  their  illusions,  but  cannot  recall  lost  opportunities. 

The  selection  of  companions  is  a  matter  the  importance  of  which  is  too 
often  over-looked.  The  faults  of  others  are  copied  unconsciously,  while  the 
effect  of  association  with  persons  of  elegant  manners,  is  a  means  of  refine- 
ment that  no  young  man  can  afford  to  neglect ;  and  the  vanity  which  leads 
some  to  seek  company  which  is  really  beneath  them,  because  they  cannot  at 
once  be  leaders  in  their  own  circles,  is  fatal  to  all  true  growth  in  character 
or  manners.  Companions  are,  in  some  degree  at  least,  models,  and  social 
contact  with  superior  men  is  an  education  in  itself.  It  is  requisite,  how- 
ever, to  look  into  people  as  well  as  at  them,  in  order  that  the  extent  of  the 
imitation  may  be  governed  by  an  appreciation  of  the  natural  differences  of 
character,  which  might  make  what  is  an  excellent  trait  in  one,  fit  awk- 
wardly upon  another. 

A  physical  education  is  of  the  utmost  importance  to  both  young  men 
and  women,  as  a  preliminary  preparation  to  a  successful  career  in  society. 
A  gentleman  should  be  master  of  all  the  manly  arts.  He  should  know  how 
to  fence,  to  box,  to  ride,  to  shoot,  to  drive,  and  above  all,  to  dance,  because 
these  accomplishments  not  only  give  him  that  hardness  of  muscle  and 
vigor  which  enable  him  to  carry  himself  with  dignity  and  manly  grace, 
but  develop  his  courage  and  enable  him  to  defend  himself  or  ladies  in  his 
care  from  ruffians,  and  often  to  save  life  itself.  No  gentleman  brooks-. an 
insult,  and  the  only  effective  answer  to  some  insults  is  a  blow.  Every  girl 


48  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

should  be  taught  to  dance,  whether  she  intends  to  dance  in  society  or  not, 
because  there  is  no  physical  training  that  gives  such  grace  and  physical  self- 
possession.  In  addition  to  those  accomplishments  that  afford  superior 
training,  skill  in  swimming,  skating,  archery,  croquet,  riding,  driving  and 
rowing,  makes  the  young  man  who  possesses  it  a  desirable  member  of 
society,  and  his  presence  will  be  sought  for  accordingly. 

Never  allow  false  pride  to  prevent  you  from  asking  about  customs  in 
regard  to  which  you  are  in  doubt,  or  not  thoroughly  versed.  People  of  the 
highest  breeding,  however  well  informed  as  to  the  general  rules  of  society, 
are  obliged  to  learn  of  local  customs  by  inquiry,  and  a  want  of  knowledge, 
if  frankly  confessed,  raises  instead  of  lowering  you  in  the  estimation  of  sen- 
sible persons.  Never  be  ashamed  of  ignorance  that  is  not  the  result  of 
neglected  opportinities,  and,  if  in  doubt,  consult  some  friend  who  possesses 
the  desired  knowledge,  at  the  very  first  opportunity. 

To  become  a  leader  in  society  is  not  the  work  of  a  day.  It  requires 
patience  added  to  patience.  One  must  have  art  and  yet  conceal  art.  The 
serene  dignity  that  marks  the  highest  type  of  gentlemen  is  the  result  of 
untiring  effort.  "  A  gentleman,  "  says  a  famous  author,  "  is  one  who  has 
reflected  deeply  upon  all  the  obligations  which  belong  to  his  station,  and 
who  has  applied  himself  ardently  to  fulfill  them  with  grace.  "  He  must  be 
polite  without  importunity,  gallant  without  intrusion,  attentive  always, 
alert  without  display,  witty  without  malice,  discreet,  generous,  and  broadly 
charitable. 

Lord  Chesterfield  wrote :  "A  man  who  does  not  solidly  establish,  and 
really  deserve  a  character  for  truth,  probity,  good  manners,  and  good 
morals,  at  his  first  setting  out  in  the  world,  may  impose  and  shine  like  a 
meteor  for  a  very  short  time,  but  will  soon  vanish  and  be  extinguished  with 
contempt. ' ' 

No  man  is  fit  either  for  business  or  society,  who  cannot  command  him- 
self sufficiently  to  concentrate  his  attention  upon  the  matter  in  hand,  and 
banish  for  the  time  all  other  subjects.  Nothing  is  more  impolite  than  ab- 
send-mindedness  and  melancholy.  So  far  from  being  an  evidence  of  genius, 
it  is  an  evidence  of  weak  self-indulgence  and  a  contempt  for  the  company. 
Besides  losing  the  opportunity  of  learning  by  experience,  and  from  observa- 
tion of  the  character,  manners  and  tastes  of  associates,  the  man  who  is 


THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  49 

absorbed  in  his  own  reflections  makes  a  poor  figure  in  any  circle  of  society, 
is  a  bad  companion,  blundering  from  inattention,  making  himself  uncom- 
fortable and  everybody  near  him  miserable.  The  man  who  is  really  occupied 
with  great  thoughts,  will  think  more  clearly  in  his  own  study,  if  he  rests 
his  brain  by  devoting  himself  to  the  lighter  subjects  which  occupy  society. 
The  finest  brain  works  poorly  if  not  relieved  by  change  and  rest,  and  there 
are  the  best  of  physiological  reasons  why  the  thoughts  should  not  be  al- 
lowed to  run  continually  on  one  subject.  If,  however,  the  fits  of  abstrac- 
tion are  only  feigned,  or  the  thoughts  are  allowed  to  wander  wool-gathering, 
no  affectation  is  weaker,  more  selfish  or  more  contemptible.  The  man 
whose  mind  is  so  well  trained  that  he  can  fix  it  upon  the  subject  in  hand, 
and  is  content  to  do  one  thing  at  a  time,  has  time  enough  for  everything; 
and  a  steady  and  unswerving  attention  to  the  matter  in  hand,  is  a  sure 
mark  of  superior  genius,  while  hurry,  bustle  and  agitation,  with  confused 
attempts  at  doing  two  or  three  things  at  the  same  time,  are  the  never  failing 
symptoms  of  an  ill-trained  and  frivolous  mind.  A  sensible  man  is  never  in 
a  hurry.  He  may  be  in  haste,  but  he  is  wise  enough  not  to  let  the  haste 
hinder  his  doing  well  what  is  to  be  done.  He  applies  himself  with  contin- 
uity, and  a  cool  steadiness  that  accomplishes  the  task  well  in  the  time  that 
a  small  mind  would  waste  in  vexing,  puzzling  and  perplexing  itself  without 
accomplishing  anything. 

A  knowledge  of  the  world  is  never  acquired  without  great  application, 
but  to  win  in  society,  this  knowledge  must  be  mastered.  The  forms  of 
society  are  sometimes  used  to  mask  real  character.  Attempts  are  made  to 
pass  off  a  thin  varnish  of  manners,  which  is  only  surface  deep — a  sort  of 
veneer — for  the  polish  that  can  only  be  given  when  the  material  is  real  and 
of  superior  quality.  Attention,  and  a  trained  habit  of  observing  are  neces- 
sary to  penetrate  these  disguises,  and  no  man  or  woman  is  safe  from 
imposition  until  this  power  of  unmasking  frauds  is  acquired.  And  to  the 
man  of  society,  not  only  attention  is  necessary,  but  that  alert,  quick  atten- 
tion that  instantly  takes  in  a  situation,  and  as  quickly  decides  and  acts.  It 
is  necessary  to  see  everything  and  everybody  present,  to  divine  the  purpose 
of  movements  and  words,  and  yet  to  preserve  the  appearance  simply  of  an 
interested,  not  an  anxious  observer.  This  alert,  keen  action  of  the  eye'and 
mind  becomes  second-nature  after  careful  training,  and  is  of  infinite  use 


50  THE  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY, 

in  life.  There  are  a  thousand  little  attentions  possible  only  to  the  alert  which 
are  infinitely  engaging  and  powerful,  because  they  are  unquestionable 
proofs  of  a  sincere  regard  for  and  desire  to  please  the  friend  on  whom  they 
are  bestowed.  If  you  invite  a  friend  to  dine  and  he  finds  that  you  have 
remembered  and  provided  his  favorite  dishes,  he  cannot  resist  the  delicate 
compliment.  The  absence  of  disagreeable  things  and  a  consideration  for  a 
friend's  weaknesses — which  exist  in  all,  even  in  the  noblest  characters — is 
another  delicate  attention  that  makes  one's  society  agreeable,  even  if  one  is 
lacking  in  other  social  qualities.  These  trifles — and  the  smaller  they  really 
are,  the  more  delicate  your  attention  to  them  seems — incline  and  attract  all, 
and  bind  them  to  you  and  your  interests  as  nothing  else  can. 

Inattention  is  only  selfishness  in  another  form,  and  the  blunderer  who 
is  continually  running  counter  to  the  feelings  and  wishes  of  others,  neither 
has  nor  deserves  to  have  the  sincere  regard  of  any :  but  a  universal  cordial- 
ity, and  quick  and  delicate  attention,  gains  the  good  words  and  good  wishes 
of  most,  and  the  neutrality,  at  least  of  those  who  would  naturally  be 
enemies. 


"A  golden  treasure  is  the  tried  friend: 

But  who  may  gold  from  counterfeits  defend? 

Trust  not  too  soon,  nor  yet  too  soon  mistrust: 

With  th'  one  thyself  M'ith  th'  other  thy  friend  thou  hurt'st. 

Who  twines  betwixt,  and  steers  the  golden  mean, 

Nor  rashly  loveth,  nor  mistrusts  in  vain." 

The  formality  of  introductions  is  intended  to  facilitate  and  not  to  prevent 
social  intercourse.  Life  is  too  short  to  admit  to  acquaintance  the  mass  of 
people  one  casually  meets,  and  then  to  sift  out  of  it  the  congenial  spirits 
that  must  make  up  one's  circle  of  friends.  The  ceremony  of  introduction 
through  those  who  are  already  friends,  brings  together  those  who  are  pre- 
sumably congenial,  and  opens  the  door  at  once  for  an  intimate  acquaint- 
ance. For  this  reason,  those  who  are  considerate  of  the  interests  of  their 
friends,  will  exercise  great  prudence  and  caution  in  presenting  even  one 
gentleman  to  another,  and  infinite  care  in  bringing  together  two  ladies,  or  a 
lady  and  gentleman,  because  a  lady  finds  it  more  difficult  to  shake  off  an  un- 
pleasant or  improper  acquaintance,  and  her  reputation  and  social  position 
are  much  more  easily  affected  by  apparent  contact  with  the  frivolous,  un- 
worthy, or  disreputable.  For  this  reason,  ladies  are  privileged  to  decline  all 
proffers  of  introductions,  except  such  as  come  from  those  who,  from  relation- 
ship or  other  causes,  merit  implicit  confidence,  and  no  gentleman  will  hesi- 
tate for  a  moment  to  firmly  decline  to  ask  permission  to  present  an  acquaint- 
ance, who  he  has  any  reason  to  believe  will  not  prove  an  agreeable  and  prof- 
itable friend.  As  a  rule,  ladies  may  at  once  consent  to  introductions 


52  INTRODUCTIONS. 

requested  by  near  relatives,  and  those  from  tried  friends  ought  to  have  care- 
ful consideration,  but  when  a  circle  is  already  large,  it  is  better  to  err  on  the 
side  of  caution,  than  to  unwisely  admit  new  friends,  whose  uncongenial  and 
unprofitable  society  may  make  demands  upon  valuable  time. 

The  forms  of  introduction  in  a  country  where  all  are  equals  before  the 
law,  must  differ  from  those  abroad,  where  the  distinctions  of  rank  are  clearly 
marked.  Here  the  form  must  be  flexible  enough  to  satisfy  all  grades  of 
society.  The  less  important  or  younger  person  is  mentioned  first,  but  be- 
tween equals  in  age,  sex  and  position,  a  balance  of  respect  is  struck,  and  it 
has  become  a  formal  custom  with  many  well-bred  people  to  say  "Mrs.  H., 
this  is  Miss  K. ;  Miss  K.,  Mrs.  H."  The  ladies  of  equal  social  position  are 
introduced  to  each  other,  and  so  also  are  gentlemen,  but  the  latter  are  al- 
ways presented  to  ladies,  a  recognition  of  the  social  superiority  of  woman, 
and  a  homage  every  gentleman  is  glad  to  pay. 

If  a  gentleman,  at  his  own  request,  is  presented  to  a  lady  by  another  gen- 
tleman, permission  must  first  be  secured  from  the  lady,  when  the  presenta- 
tion is  made  with  a  form  which  is  itself  a  compliment:  "Mr.  Dexter  desires 
to  be  presented  to  Mrs.  or  Miss  Truman."  Or,  if  the  gentleman  or  lady 
making  the  presentation  desires  it  for  his  or  her  personal  reasons,  the  form 
is  changed  to  this:  "This  is  Mr.  Dexter,  Mr.  Truman.  It  gives  me  pleasure 
to  present  him."  Or,  "Mrs.  Truman,  allow  me  to  present  my  friend,  Mr. 
Dexter."  The  married  lady  replies  according  to  her  inclination.  If  really 
glad  to  meet  the  gentleman,  she  may  say  so  with  cordiality  and  with  frank- 
ness, after  which  she  thanks  the  presenting  party,  who  then  leaves  the  new 
acquaintances.  To  the  young  lady  it  is  only  permitted  to  cordially  recog- 
nize the  gentleman  presented,  by  bowing,  smiling,  and  mentioning  the  name 
in  response.  It  is  incumbent  on  the  gentleman  to  express  his  gratification, 
and  to  say  something  which  will  show  his  appreciation  of  the  honor  con- 
ferred on  him  by  this  admission  to  the  threshold  of  her  friendship.  Two 
ladies,  when  introduced,  may  extend  hands  to  each  other,  and  so  may  two 
gentlemen,  though  hand-shaking  is  less  common  than  formerly,  and  is  re- 
served as  a  token  of  more  cordial  relations  than  can  possibly  result  from  a 
simple  introduction,  and  a  casual  inventory  of  the  outward  signs  of  merit. 
Those  who  are  introduced  may  be  friendly,  but  excessive  cordiality  is  in  bad 
taste  at  a  first  meeting  in  general  society. 


INTROD  UC  TIONS.  53 

If  there  is  an  unmistakable  difference  in  age,  the  younger  is  presented  to 
the  elder,  unless  a  generally  recognized  superiority  exists,  when  age,  unless 
very  advanced,  is  not  considered,  the  unknown  being  presented  to  the  fam- 
ous. Other  things  being  equal,  the  single  are  presented  to  the  married.  It 
is  a  better  form  to  use  the  word  "present,"  instead  of  "introduce,"  when 
presenting  gentlemen  to  ladies,  or  those  advanced  in  age.  Among  equals, 
"introduce,"  is  better,  as  "present"  has  a  flavor  of  court  life,  and  seems  to 
imply  superiority  in  the  party  to  whom  one  is  presented.  Names  should 
always  be  distinctly  pronounced,  but  if  not  understood  it  is  always  polite  to 
bow,  and  say,  "I  beg  pardon,"  or,  "excuse  me;  I  did  not  hear  the  name." 
This  may  save  great  embarrassment  in  the  future.  When  gentlemen  are 
introduced  to  each  other,  the  simplest  form,  as  "Mr.  A.,  Mr.  B.,"  is  suffi- 
cient, unless  one  party  is  distinguished,  in  which  case  the  same  form  as  that 
used  in  presenting  a  gentleman  to  a  lady,  is  employed,  as  expressing  more 
deference  and  respect. 

A  married  lady  should  always  extend  her  hand  to  a  stranger  brought  to 
her  house  and  presented  by  a  common  friend,  as  a  token  of  welcome.  A 
gentleman  must  not  offer  his  hand  to  a  lady  until  she  has  made  the  first 
movement,  but  it  is  exceedingly  rude  not  to  take  the  proffered  hand  when 
extended. 

As  a  rule,  no  gentleman  may  be  presented  to  a  lady,  be  she  young  or  old, 
without  first  obtaining  her  permission.  The  exceptions  are  that  at  an  eve- 
ning or  dinner  party,  the  lady  ,of  the  house  is  permitted  to  introduce  her 
guests  to  each  other.  A  mother  may  also  present  her  sons,  or  a  sister  a 
brother,  to  her  friends  without  asking  permission,  but  care  should  be  taken 
not  to  do  this  except  when  there  is  great  intimacy  and  perfect  equality.  At 
a  ball,  too,  a  gentleman  may  be  presented  for  the  purpose  of  dancing,  though 
this  does  not  entitle  him  to  recognition  afterwards. 

In  introducing  men,  the  appropriate  title  should  be  given.  If  a  clergy- 
man, say,  "The  Rev.  Mr.  Sprague."  If  a  Doctor  of  Divnity,  "The  Rev.  Dr. 
Sprague."  If  he  is  a  Member  of  Congress,  or  a  body  which  entitles  him  to 
the  prefix  of  "Honorable,"  say  "The  Honorable  Mr.  Sprague,"  and  name 
the  body  of  which  he  is  a  member.  If  distinguished  for  some  achievement, 
it  is  a  graceful  compliment  to  mention  the  fact  with  the  name,  as  "Mr.  James, 
the  artist,  whose  pictures  you  so  much  admire,"  or  "Mr.  Archer,  the  author 


54  INTRODUCTIONS. 

of  'Autumn  Days.'  "  The  ceremonious  phrases,  "permit  me  to  introduce," 
etc.,  are  used  only  when  the  acquaintance  has  been  solicited  by  one  of  the 
parties. 

The  custom  of  giving  the  hand  at  first  meetings  seems  to  have  been  bor- 
rowed from  the  French.  The  English  never  offer  the  hand,  and  the  practice 
is  not  in  keeping  with  the  reserve  of  American  manners.  The  impulsive 
Frenchman  presses  the  hand  of  the  new  acquaintance  with  delicate  but 
warm  ergard,  but  he  also  embraces  and  kisses  his  brothers  and  intimate 
male  friends,  a  custom  which  American  gentlemen  are  not  likely  to  adopt, 
however  willing  they  may  be  to  bestow  excessive  cordiality  on  strangers. 
At  a  second  meeting  two  ladies  may  extend  hands,  but  in  the  best  society 
no  lady  offers  her  hand  to  a  gentleman  unless  very  intimate,  a  bow  at  meet- 
ing and  parting  being  in  keeping  with  that  coyness  which  is  one  of  the 
greatest  charms  of  womanly  deportment. 

It  is  the  duty  af  a  gentleman  who  is  invited  to  an  entertainment  at  a 
house  where  he  is  not  acquainted  with  all  the  members  of  the  family,  to  ask 
some  friend — if  the  number  of  guests  would  make  the  duty  a  tax  on  the 
host  or  hostess — to  introduce  him  to  those  members  whose  acquaintance  he 
has  not  made.  This  should  be  done  as  soon  as  convenient  after  greeting  the 
host  and  hostess. 

If,  upon  entering  a  parlor,  you  are  not  at  once  recognized  by  the  hostess, 
it  is  better  to  recall  yourself  to  her  at  once,  by  the  mention  of  your  name, 
but  the  custom  of  delivering  a  card  to  the  servant  on  admission  to  the 
house,  when  the  acquaintance  is  not  intimate,  usually  prevents  the  awk- 
wardness of  such  an  occurrence.  If  you  know  only  one  member  of  the 
family  and  find  others  in  the  parlor,  introduce  yourself  at  once. 

Every  gentleman  is  privileged,  and  it  is  his  duty  as  well  as  his  pride,  to 
assist  any  unattended  lady  who  is  in  difficulty.  He  should  offer  his  ser- 
vices immediately,  lifting  his  hat  with  the  greatest  respect  and  deference, 
and  asking  the  honor  of  assisting  her.  This  is  observed  in  France,  without 
regard  to  age  or  condition. 

A  gentleman  may,  while  traveling,  introduce  himself  to  a  lady,  and  it 
is  the  part  of  a  lady,  if  he  does  it  in  a  respectful  manner,  to  conduct  herself 
with  ease  and  dignity,  and  a  politeness  that  does  not  over-step  the  bounds 
of  reserve.  If  well-bred,  he  will  appreciate  her  behavior,  and  if  not,  he  will 


INTRODUCTIONS.  55 

find  her  armor  impenetrable  and  will  cease  to  annoy.  Such  an  acquaint- 
ance ends  with  the  occasion,  and  a  conversation  in  a  railway  car,  gives 
neither  party  any  claim  or  right  of  recognition.  If  a  gentleman  intrudes 
himself  rudely,  or  introduces  himself  in  a  manner  that  betrays  respect,  the 
lady  who  respects  herself,  has  no  remedy  but  to  turn  away  in  silence,  and 
if  the  annoyance  is  repeated  to  give  him  the  severest  punishment  in  her 
power.  The  young  lady,  traveling  alone,  cannot  too  carefully  maintain  her 
reserve,  especially  with  young  men.  More  freedom  is  permitted,  if  elderly 
gentlemen  engage  her  in  conversation,  and  ladies  of  maturer  years  may 
with  propriety,  accept  proffered  attentions  that  the  well-bred  young  lady 
would  feel  compelled  to  decline. 

If  in  paying  a  morning  visit,  some  one  enters  whose  name  is  known  to 
you,  but  who  is  not  recognized  by  the  lady  visited,  you  may  present  the 
caller  yourself. 

Neither  ladies  or  gentlemen,  in  making  calls,  are  introduced  to  others 
whom  they  may  meet  in  the  parlors  of  those  on  whom  their  calls  are  made. 
They  are  at  liberty  to  converse  as  freely  as  if  they  had  met  before,  the  fact 
that  they  are  friends  of  the  hostess  being  presumptive  evidence  of  social 
equality,  but  the  acquaintance  thus  made  must  not  extend  beyond  the 
drawing  room.  No  recognition  is  warranted  between  gentlemen,  or  between 
ladies,  and  certainly  not  between  ladies  and  gentlemen,  until  they  meet 
again  under  the  same  conditions.  If,  however,  the  parties  desire  to  be 
introduced  to  each  other,  the  opportunity  is  afforded,  and  the  hostess  is 
hardly  at  liberty  to  decline  the  service  when  asked  to  perform  it.  This  rule, 
when  rightly  understood  and  observed  by  all,  gives  rise  to  no  awkwardness, 
and  is  one  of  the  safeguards  of  society.  No  hostess  who  understands  the 
true  import  of  introduction,  cares  to  assume  the  responsibility  of  making 
people  acquainted  who  may  not  desire  it,  and  to  whom  the  introduction 
may  afterwards  cause  serious  embarrassment ;  and  the  larger  the  circle  the 
more  important  it  is  that  the  rule  be  strictly  observed.  A  stranger,  not  a 
resident,  may,  however,  be  introduced,  and  the  hostess  may  present  people 
when  she  has  a  positive  knowledge  that  an  acquaintance  is  desired  by  both. 
Introductions  are  also  to  be  considered  unnecessary  to  a  pleasant  conversa- 
tion at  a  private  party  or  a  ball,  or  in  the  reception-room  of  a  lady  who  has 
been  a  hostess  of  the  parties ;  the  guests  are  in  a  sense  already  made  known 


56  INTROD  UC  TIONS. 

to  each  other.  Every  person  invited  is,  for  the  time  being,  upon  a  perfect 
social  equality  with  every  other  guest.  The  invitation  and  its  acceptance 
places  all,  for  the  time  and  occasion,  on  the  same  level,  and  it  is  the  part  of 
every  gentleman  and  lady  to  treat  every  person  they  meet,  whatever  they 
may  think  of  their  fitness,  as  if  all  were  on  a  perfect  equality,  and  as  if  those 
present  constituted  a  circle  of  society  as  exalted  as  exists  on  the  globe.  It 
is  unpardonable  snobbishness  to  suggest  that  the  present  surroundings  are 
inferior  to  those  with  which  the  speaker  is  familiar,  or  to  talk  on  matters 
above  the  comprehension  of  a  temporary  listener.  Either  offense  would  be 
proof-positive  that  both  brain  and  breeding  were  lacking.  With  people  who 
are  really  polished  and  refined,  unpleasant  comparisons  are  impossible. 
Real  excellence  is  not  obliged  to  assert  itself  to  secure  recognition,  if  it  hap- 
pens to  be  brought  in  contact  with  those  of  less  perfect  accomplishments. 
The  really  well-bred  never  meet  an  inferior  with  any  other  than  the  kindest 
recognition.  It  is  the  part  of  good  breeding  rather  to  raise  up  people  to  its 
own  level  than  to  make  them  feel  their  inferiority,  and  every  action  and 
word  should  testify  the  greatest  respect  and  esteem.  By  this  means  the  at- 
tractions of  superior  manners  are  made  evident,  while  the  self-centered 
character  of  the  really  gently  bred  is  unruffled  by  contact  with  lesser 
excellence. 

A  letter  introducing  a  friend  for  business  reasons,  is  ordinarily  expressed 
in  conventional  terms,  but  in  special  cases,  the  circumstances  may  require 
a  different  wording.  A  common  form  is: 


Mr.. 


Dear  Sir: 

I  have  the  pleasure  of 

introducing  you  to  Mr. of 

whom  I  commend  to  your  kind 

attentions.  I  am  very  truly  yours, 


The  envelope  is  left  unsealed,  and,  besides  the  address,  it  is  customary,  to 

write  on  the  left-hand  lower  corner,  "Introducing  Mr. ." 

Letters  of  introduction  of  a  social  nature,  should  be  brief,  carefully 
worded  and  written,  and  enclosed  in  an  envelope  left  unsealed,  in  order  that 
the  person  introduced  may  know  its  contents,  which  he  is  at  perfect  liberty 


INTRODUCTIONS.  57 

to  learn.  The  letter  should  always  be  written  on  the  best  of  note,  of  fash- 
ionable size,  with  a  well-fitting  envelope  to  correspond.  Attention  to  these 
trifles  is  not  only  desirable  but  necessary  to  show  a  decent  respect  for  the 
two  friends  thus  brought  together.  The  letter  should  state  the  full  name  of 
the  person,  the  city  or  town  of  his  residence,  and  besides  hinting  at  the 
mutual  pleasure  anticipated  from  the  acquaintance,  should  add  but  little 
concerning  the  person  introduced.  Any  eulogy  is  obviously  in  bad  taste,  as 
the  contents  are  at  least  supposed  to  be  known  to  the  bearer  of  the  letter, 
and  a  gentleman  of  self-respect,  to  say  nothing  of  modesty,  would  hardly 
desire  to  present  to  a  stranger  fulsome  praises  of  his  own  merit.  A  letter  of 
introduction  should  never,  as  a  rule,  be  given  unless  the  writer  is  well 
acquainted  with  the  friend  to  whom  he  writes,  and  the  one  who  is  intro- 
duced. This  is  necessary,  because  one  ought  never  to  bring  together  those 
who  are  not  likely  to  become  congenial  acquaintances ;  and  because  the  let- 
ter is  a  sight  draft  on  the  friend  to  whom  it  is  addressed,  for  certain  courte- 
sies which  are  extended  for  the  writer's  sake,  and  he  ought  to  be  certain 
that  he  has  a  right  to  ask  them,  and  that  the  new  acquaintance  will  prove 
entirely  worthy  of  them. 

The  introduction  may  be  made  by  card  as  well  as  letter ;  indeed,  the  card 
has  supplanted  the  letter,  except  in  cases  where  an  explanation  is  desirable. 
The  gentleman  introducing,  writes  neatly  and  distinctly  upon  the  upper 

left  hand  corner  of  his  visiting  card  the  words,  "Introducing  Mr. ." 

This  card  is  enclosed  in  an  envelope  with  that  of  the  gentleman  who  is  thus 
introduced.  The  envelope  must  be  of  fine  quality,  and  of  the  approved 
size  and  style  of  the  season.  The  letter  or  card  of  introduction,  if  it  relates 
to  business,  may  be  delivered  at  once  in  person.  If  of  a  social  nature,  it 
should  be  sealed,  enclosed  with  card  and  address,  and  sent  to  its  address  by 
messenger  or  post,  unless  the  stay  in  the  city  is  short,  in  which  case  the 
gentleman  may  call,  and  send  up  the  cards  or  the  letter,  accompanied  by  his 
card.  If  addressed  to  a  lady,  he  is  also  at  liberty  to  call,  and  send  up  the 
card  or  letter  with  his  own  card,  to  ascertain  whether  she  will  receive  him 
then,  or  name  a  future  and  more  convenient  hour.  On  receipt  of  the  card 
or  letter  by  post  or  messenger,  the  well-bred  gentleman  will  acknowledge  it 
in  person  within  two  or  three  days  at  most,  or,  in  case  this  is  impossible, 
will  send  his  card  with  an  explanation  of  his  failure,  and  offer  such  courte- 


58  INTRODUCTIONS. 

sies  as  are  possible ;  provided,  of  course,  the  person  who  sends  the  letter  of 
introduction  is  entitled  to  consideration.  To  neglect  this  is  not  only  a  slight 
to  the  stranger  but  an  insult  to  the  friend  who  introduced  him.  The  new 
acquaintance  may  be  invited  to  dine  with  the  family,  (this  is  the  rule  in 
England,  where  letters  of  introduction  are  jocosely  called  "Tickets  to  Soup") 
to  meet  others,  or  at  least  take  a  drive  or  attend  some  place  of  amusement. 
Here  the  civilities  may  cease,  provided  the  receiver  of  the  introductory  card 
owes  no  more  than  this  to  the  person  who  sent  the  stranger,  or,  if  the 
acquaintance  is  agreeable,  further  hospitalities  may  be  extended.  In  this 
busy  country,  the  want  of  time  to  pay  elaborate  attentions  to  visitors  is  a 
sufficient  excuse.  It  shows  no  lack  of  politeness  to  plead  the  peremptory 
demands  of  business,  as  a  reason  for  not  offering  courtesies  which  it  would 
otherwise  be  a  pleasure  to  extend.  The  gentleman  who  is  introduced,  on 
leaving  the  city,  sends  his  "P.  P.  C."  card,  and  when  he  returns,  may  send 
his  own  card  to  the  new  acquaintance.  If  the  latter  is  noticed,  it  is  evi- 
dence that  it  is  done  for  his  own  sake,  and  because  he  has  made  an  agree- 
able impression. 

A  gentleman  introducing  another  gentleman  to  a  lady  friend,  by  letter  or 
card,  or  a  lady  introducing  a  gentleman  to  another  lady,  may  hand  the  per- 
son introduced  his  or  her  own  card,  which  he  leaves  Avith  his  own,  the  gen- 
tleman or  lady  introducing  having  previously  sent  a  letter  by  post,  explain- 
ing that  he  or  she  had  given  the  gentleman  a  card  of  introduction,  and  say- 
ing what  may  truthfully  be  said  in  his  favor.  This,  in  presenting  a  gentle- 
man to  a  lady,  gives  that  explanation  which  is  due  to  the  lady  who  receives 
the  new  acquaintance;  unless  the  introduction  has  been  the  subject  of  pre- 
vious correspondence  or  conversation,  when  a  simple  card  is  all  that  courtesy 
demands. 

If  the  card  or  letter  has  introduced  a  lady,  she  sends  it  with  her  own 
card  in  a  neat  envelope  by  post  or  messenger.  The  lady  who  receives  them 
must  call  in  person,  or  some  member  of  the  family  must  represent  her,  or 
failing  in  these,  she  must  send  a  special  messenger  with  an  explanation  of 
the  failure.  Three  days  is  the  utmost  limit  of  time  for  the  call  to  be  made, 
and  any  neglect  is  a  rudeness  to  the  introducing  party.  This  call  must  be 
promptly  returned,  unless  some  reception  day  is  indicated  in  conversation 
or  named  upon  the  card.  If  no  special  courtesies  are  extended,  the  lady 


INTROD  UC  TIONS.  59 

introduced  not  being  a  resident  of  the  city,  it  is  proper  for  her  to  leave  a 
card  with  "  P.  P.  C."  upon  it,  to  take  leave  and  give  notice  of  departure.  If 
she  is  a  resident,  she  may  include  the  new  acquaintance  in  her  formal  visit- 
ing list,  and  invite  her  to  receptions,  but  it  is  obtrusive  to  take  the  iniative 
in  asking  a  new  acquaintance  to  whose  notice  she  has  been  brought  by  her 
own  request,  to  breakfast,  luncheon  or  dinner,  or  any  special  hospitality. 
The  first  invitation  is,  very  properly,  reserved  as  the  privilege  of  the  one  who 
has  received  the  unsought  acquaintance.  If  a  stranger  who  delivers  a  letter 
of  introduction  is  invited  to  dinner,  or  any  social  entertainment,  the  invita- 
tion must  be  promply  accepted,  and  a  ceremonious  call  should  be  made 
within  two  or  three  days  afterward. 

A  letter  of  introduction,  received  through  the  post,  stating  that  an  indi- 
vidual or  family  which  the  writer  highly  esteems,  is  about  to  locate  near 
you,  and  asking  your  kindly  attentions,  must  be  answered  immediately, 
with  expressions  of  anxiety  to  be  of  service  to  the  strangers  so  recommended. 
The  person  or  family  thus  introduced  should  be  called  upon  at  the  first 
opportunity.  Such  a  request  to  call  upon  a  stranger  admits  of  no  delay,  and 
no  after  attentions  can  make  amends  for  neglect. 

At  first  thought,  it  may  seem  to  be  of  no  great  consequence  whether  the 
letter  of  introduction  is  written  upon  fine  paper,  carefully  worded,  and  neatly 
enclosed,  or  whether  you  acknowledge  promptly  its  receipt,  but  upon  the 
observance  of  the  nice  points  of  behavior,  will  depend  not  only  your  good 
repute  as  a  gentleman  or  lady,  but  your  power  to  enjoy  and  confer  pleasure 
on  others  in  society.  It  is  the  observance  of  just  such  kindly  trifles  that 
makes  social  intercourse  agreeable,  and  banishes  a  thousand  real  or  imagin- 
ary causes  of  offense. 


"One  man  full  of  heartfelt,  earnest  impulse,  finds  out  a  way  of  doing  somewhat, — were 
it  uttering  his  soul's  reverence  of  the  Highest,  were  it  but  of  fitly  saluting  his  fellow-man. 
An  inventor  was  needed  to  do  this,  a  poet;  he  has  articulated  the  dim,  struggling  thought 
that  dwelt  in  his  own  and  others  hearts.  This  is  his  way  of  doing  that;  these  are  his  foot- 
steps, the  beginning  of  a  path.  And  now  see,  the  second  man  travels  naturally  in  the  foot- 
steps of  his  foregoer ;  it  is  the  easiest  method.  In  the  footsteps  of  his  foregoer,  yet  with  im- 
provements, with  changes,  where  such  seem  good;  at  all  events  with  enlargements,  the 
path  itself  ever  widening  as  more  travel  on  it,  till  at  last  there  is  a  broad  highway,  where- 
on the  whole  world  may  travel  and  drive." — CABLYLE. 

THERE  is  a  legend  that  George  Washington  used  to  take  off  his  hat  to  return 
the  salutations  of  his  black  slaves,  because,  as  he  said,  he  did  not  wish 
them  to  excel  him.  in  good  manners.  And  among  all  people,  the  salutation 
is  really,  what  a  distinguished  writer  has  declared  it  to  be,  "the  touch-stone 
of  good  breeding."  A  Frenchman  might  forgive  a  debt,  but  never  a  care- 
less nod  instead  of  a  low  and  respectful  bow ;  and  to  enter  the  presence  of  a 
lady  in  France,  without  removing  the  hat,  might  involve  a  gentleman  in  a 
duel. 

The  orientals  make  much  of  salutations,  and  the  greeting  of  the  Bedouin 
of  the  desert  is  a  benediction  as  he  places  his  right  hand  upon  his  breast  and 
bows  low,  \vith,"  God  grant  you  a  happy  morning ,"  or,  ulf  God  wills  it,  you  are 
well.1'  If  addressing  a  person  of  rank,  he  bows  nearly  to  the  ground,  and 
kisses  the  hem  of  his  garment.  The  Spaniard  salutes  with,  "God  be  with 
you,  sir.11  The  Neapolitan  blesses  you  with,  "  Grow  in  holiness.1'  In  Hun- 
gary they  pray,  "  God  keep  you  well,1'  while  the  Pole  leaves  you  with,  "Be 


THE  SALUTATION.  61 

ever  well,"  as  he  kisses  you  on  shoulder.  The  Turks  salute  with  the  arms 
folded  and  the  head  bent  very  low,  while  the  Hindoos  nearly  touch  the 
ground  with  their  faces,  in  an  excess  of  deference  and  respect.  The  Moors 
salute  the  Great  Mogul  by  touching  the  earth  with  the  right  hand,  then  lay- 
ing the  hand  upon  the  breast,  next  lifting  it  to  the  sky,  and  repeating  these 
gestures  three  times  with  great  rapidity.  The  same  Moors  greet  a  stranger 
by  riding  toward  him  at  full  speed  as  if  about  to  unhorse  him,  and  when  at 
close  range  firing  a  pistol  over  his  head.  This  unique  method  of  showing  a 
mind  on  hospitable  thoughts  intent,  is  wholly  original  with  the  Moors,  and 
not  calculated  to  place  men  at  their  ease  in  beginning  an  acquaintance. 
The  Chinese  salute  with  a  bow  and  ask,  "Have  you  eaten?11  Herodotus 
records  that  the  Egyptians  drop  the  hand  upon  the  knee  and  anxiously  in- 
quire, "  How  do  you  perspire?11  The  phlegmatic  German  bows  with,  "Wie 
befinden  sie  sich?11  (How  do  you  find  yourself?)  and  says  his  farewell  with 
"Leben  sie  wohl11  (Live  well).  The  wild  men  of  Africa  salute  by  rubbing 
toes,  and  in  Lapland  friends  bring  noses  affectionately  together,  in  kindly 
greeting.  The  Frenchman  asks,  "How  do  you  carry  yourself?11  and  in 
England  and  America  the  abrupt  "How  are  you?11  "How  d'ye  dot"  and  the 
softer  and  more  musical  " Good  morning11  and  "Good  evening11  are  heard. 
But  whatever  the  form,  the  salute  is  the  expression  of  kindly  feeling  of 
friend  for  friend,  and  its  refinement  or  coarseness  marks  the  degree  of  civili- 
zation attained. 

In  a  rude  state  of  society  every  salutation  is  to  this  day  an  act  of  worship. 
Hence  the  commonest  acts,  phrases  and  signs  of  courtesy  with  which  we  are 
familiar,  date  from  those  earlier  stages  when  the  strong  hand  ruled,  and  the 
inferior  demonstrated  his  allegiance  by  studied  servility.  Let  us  take,  for 
example,  the  words  '  sir '  and  '  madam.'  '  Sir '  is  derived  from  signeur,  sieur, 
and  originally  meant  lord,  king,  ruler,  and  in  its  patriarchal  sense,  father. 
The  title  of  Sire  was  last  borne  by  some  of  the  ancient  feudal  families  of 
France,  who,  as  Selden  has  said,  "affected  rather  to  be  styled  by  the  name  of 
sire  than  baron,  as  Le  Sire  de  Montmorenci,  and  the  like.  '  Madam '  or 
'madame,'  corrupted  by  servants  into  ma'am,  and  by  Mrs.  Gamp  and  her 
tribe  into  'mum'  is  in  substance  equivalent  to  '  your  exalted '  or  '  your  high- 
ness,' 'madame'  originally  meaning  high-born  and  stately,  and  Jjeing 
applied  only  to  ladies  of  the  highest  rank." 


62  THE  SALUTATION. 

"To  turn  to  our  every-day  forms  of  salutation.  We  take  off  our  hats  in. 
visiting  an  acquaintance.  We  rise  when  visitors  enter  our  drawing-room. 
We  wave  one  hand  to  our  friend  when  he  passes  the  window,  or  drives  away 
from  our  door.  The  Oriental,  in  like  manner,  leaves  his  shoes  upon  the 
threshold  when  he  pays  a  visit.  The  natives  of  the  Tonga  Islands  kiss  the 
soles  of  the  chieftain's  feet.  The  Siberian  peasant  grovels  in  the  dust  before 
a  Russian  noble.  Each  of  these  acts  has  a  primary,  a  historical  signifi- 
cance. The  word,  'salutation,'  derived  as  it  is  from.salutatio,  the  daily 
homage  paid  by  a  Roman  client  to  his  patron,  suggests  in  itself  a  history  of 
manners.  To  bare  the  head  was  originally  an  act  of  submission  to  gods  and 
rulers.  A  lady's  courtesy  is  a  modified  genuflection.  Rising  and  standing 
are  acts  of  homage ;  and  when  we  wave  our  hand  to  a  friend  on  the  opposite 
side  of  the  street,  we  are  unconsciously  imitating  the  Romans,  who  used  to 
stand  somewhat  off  from  the  images  of  their  gods,  solemnly  moving  their 
right  hand  to  the  lips,  and  casting  it  as  if  they  had  cast  kisses.  Again,  men 
remove  the  glove  when  they  shake  hands  with  a  lady,  a  custom  evidently 
of  feudal  origin.  The  knight  removed  his  iron  gauntlet,  the  pressure  of 
which  would  have  been  all  too  hard  for  the  palm  of  a  fair  lady ;  and  this  cus- 
tom, which  began  in  a  necessity,  has  traveled  down  to  us  as  a  point  of  eti- 
quette." 

The  salute  is  one  of  the  trivial  observances  of  society,  but  from  its  con- 
stant recurrence,  and  from  the  nice  gradations  of  expression  of  which  it  is 
capable,  the  manner  in  which  it  is  given  is  an  unerring  test,  the  touch-stone, 
of  good  breeding.  The  recognition  should  be  prompt,  given  on  the  instant 
the  eyes  meet,  on  the  street  or  in-doors.  To  fail  here  is  to  confess  one's  self 
ill  bred.  The  reason  why  is  obvious.  If  friends  are  recognized  as  soon  as 
met,  there  is  no  difficulty  in  remembering  who  has  been  greeted,  and  none 
are  slighted,  but  otherwise  it  would  be  impossible  to  ordinary  memories  to 
record  who  had  and  who  had  not  exchanged  salutations.  Every  well-bred 
person  instinctively  bows  the  moment  a  friend  is  recognized,  and  according 
to  the  rules  of  courts,  and  of  good  society  everywhere,  any  one  who  has  been 
introduced  to  you,  or  to  whom  you  have  been  introduced,  is  entitled  to  this 
mark  of  respect.  The  intercourse  may  go  no  farther,  but  good  breeding 
demands  that  it  should  go  thus  far.  "The  bow,"  says  La  Fontaine,  "is  a 
note  drawn  on  sight ;  if  you  acknowledge  it,  you  must  immediately  pay  the 


THE  SALUTATION.  63 

full  amount."  The  degree  of  familiarity  may  be  expressed  to  a  shade  by  it. 
It  may  be  coolly  civil,  respectful,  cordial,  familiar,  or  affectionate,  according 
to  the  relations  of  the  meeting- parties.  It  must  never  be  condescending  or 
patronizing;  to  remind  another  of  his  real  or  fancied  inferiority,  is  the  worst 
act  of  ill-breeding.  Between  gentlemen,  a  simple  bow,  or  supplemented  by 
a  gesture  of  the  hand,  is  sufficient,  but  the  bow  must  never  degenerate  into 
a  careless  nod ;  that  is  a  disrespect  no  gentleman  ever  permits  himself  to 
show,  even  to  the  slightest  acquaintance,  in  the  most  careless  moment. 

In  bowing  to  a  lady,  or  to  gentlemen  who  are  his  elders  or  superiors  in 
position,  the  hat  must  be  lifted.  Touching  the  rim,  or  a  half-gesture  toward 
the  hat,  is  a  rudeness  even  more  inexcusable  than  a  simple  bow.  The  body 
need  not  be  bent  at  all  in  bowing,  though  that  is  still  the  custom  among  gen- 
tlemen of  the  old  school  of  manners ;  an  inclination  of  the  head  is  sufficient, 
and  the  hat  is  only  slightly  lifted  from  the  head.  The  degree  of  cordiality  is 
exactly  expressed.  If  people  are  only  slightly  known  they  are  slightly  rec- 
ognized ;  if  well  known,  the  bow  is  accordingly  cordial,  not  with  a  broad 
smile,  but  with  that  lighting  up  of  the  eyes  and  face  that  beams  good  will 
more  expressively  than  the  stateliest  inclination  or  genuflection  of  the  body. 
"  You  should  never  speak  to  an  acquaintance  without  a  smile  in  your  eyes," 
says  an  English  author.  The  impassive  face  and  vacant  expression  which 
marks  the  bow  of  the  indifferent  or  stupid,  are  not  more  chilling,  than  the 
broad  smile,  which  degenerates  into  a  grin,  is  ridiculous  and  absurd. 

A  gentleman  who  is  smoking  on  the  street  always  removes  a  cigar  from 
his  lips  before  bowing  to  a  lady,  but  no  gentleman  will  smoke  oil  a  crowded 
thoroughfare  where  it  may  be  disagreeable  to  passing  ladies. 

A  bow  does  not  entail  a  calling  acquaintance,  or  any  other  intercourse 
whatever,  but  it  must  not  be  neglected  under  penalty  of  being  rated  with 
the  ill-bred,  and  as  lacking  both  cultivation  and  the  instincts  of  a  gentle- 
man. The  manner  of  the  salutation  reveals  the  exact  level  attained  in  the 
advance  towards  perfection  in  manners.  It  is  civil  to  return  a  bow,  even 
though  the  person  bowing  may  not  be  known  to  you.  If  he  knows  you,  and 
you  do  not  return  the  recognition,  you  are  guilty  of  neglect  in  forgetting 
him,  and  inexcusable  rudeness  in  not  recognizing  him.  If  he  has  mistaken 
you  for  some  one  else,  the  bow  has  cost  you  nothing.  There  is  an  Ajab 
proverb:  "Do  good  and  cast  it  into  the  sea.  If  the  fishes  do  not  observe  it, 


64  THE  SALUTATION. 

God  will."  There  is  no  one  so  humble  that  his  good  will  is  not  worth  pos- 
sessing ;  and  no  kind  act  ever  fails  of  its  reward. 

A  gentleman  who  is  walking  in  the  street  with  a  lady,  returns  a  bow 
made  to  her  by  lifting  his  hat,  though  the  party  recognized  by  her  is  not 
known  to  him.  It  is  a  mark  of  respect  to  any  one  worthy  to  be  her  friend. 
If  he  is  accompanying  her  across  a  drawing  room,  and  she  recognizes  an 
acquaintance,  he  bows  slightly  also. 

It  is  not  always  easy  for  gentlemen  when  riding  or  driving,  especially  the 
spirited  horses  of  which  Americans  are  so  fond,  to  salute  passing  ladies  by 
lifting  the  hat;  indeed,  such  a  movement  is  many  times  impossible.  A 
lessened  hold  upon  the  reins  might  imperil  the  safety  of  all  in  the  vehicle, 
and  court  serious  disaster.  American  gentlemen  in  riding  have  adopted  the 
custom  of  raising  the  whip  hand  and  touching  the  hat  with  the  whip,  a  cus- 
tom neither  graceful  nor  refined  in  itself,  and  absolutely  shocking  to  well 
bred  foreigners.  A  more  sensible  custom,  and  one  that  is  entirely  respect- 
ful, is  a  simple  bow,  a  trifle  lower  than  usual,  when  the  hands  are  occupied 
with  the  reins. 

No  gentleman  is  permitted  to  smoke  while  walking  or  driving  with  a 
lady,  unless  on  unfrequented  roads  or  walks,  even  if  she  has  no  personal 
objections.  It  is  a  mark  of  disrespect  to  her  which  meets  the  eyes  of  others, 
and  hence  it  is  forbidden  in  the  code  of  good  manners. 

If  any  one,  no  matter  how  humble,  lifts  his  hat  to  a  gentleman,  or  salutes 
him  on  the  street,  he  will  not  fail  to  return  the  salute  as  courteously  as  if  he 
were  an  equal ;  indeed,  he  will  take  the  greatest  care  lest  a  shade  of  careless- 
ness appear  in  his  acknowledgement  of  the  recognition. 

If  a  gentleman  sees  a  lady  approaching  him  on  a  narrow  crossing,  or  on 
going  up  and  down  a  stair-case,  he  lifts  his  hat  and  stands  aside  that  she 
may  pass.  If  he  meets  a  lady  with  whom  he  desires  to  converse,  after  the 
salute,  he  turns  and  walks  with  her  until  he  has  finished  his  conversation 
and  then  leaves  her.  It  is  not  necessary  that  he  should  escort  her  home. 
If  a  gentleman  is  stopped  by  a  lady,  he  does  not  allow  her  to  stand,  while 
talking  with  him,  but  turns  and  walks  with  her.  No  lady  has  a  right,  how- 
ever, to  occupy  the  time  of  a  business  man  unless  she  has  something  of 
importance  to  say,  and  any  gentleman  has  a  right  to  plead  an  engagement 
as  an  excuse  for  taking  leave  of  a  lady  who  has  nothing  to  offer.  There  is 


65 

seldom  any  excuse  for  standing  upon  the  sidewalk,  to  the  inconvenience  of 
passers  by,  and  even  when  two  gentlemen  meet,  and  wish  to  converse,  one 
should  turn  and  walk  with  the  other  until  the  business  in  hand  is  disposed 
of,  and  then  take  his  leave. 

It  is  never  permitted  under  any  circumstances  to  cut  a  lady's  acquain- 
tance. This  is  woman's  high  prerogative,  and  the  rule  is  as  fixed  and  unal- 
terable as  the  laws  of  the  Medes  and  Persians.  It  was  made  to  protect  the 
weaker  from  the  stronger,  and  the  good  sense  of  society  sustains  it.  Nor  is 
it  allowed  her  to  give  the  cut  direct,  except  for  an  unpardonable  offense.  A 
recognitition  may  be  made  with  a  cool  civility  that  will  keep  uncongenial 
persons  at  a  distance ;  or,  if  the  quarrel  is  for  life,  it  is  better  to  avoid  seeing 
the  victim,  rather  than  to  meet  a  bow  with  a  stony  stare. 

When  a  lady,  who  has  been  introduced  to  a  gentleman,  so  far  forgets 
good  taste  and  good  manners,  as  to  make  herself  conspicuous  by  rouged 
cheeks,  enamelled  complexion,  blackened  eyelids,  or  vulgarities  of  dress  or 
conduct,  no  gentleman  can  be  blamed  for  avoiding  her  eyes,  and  if  she  is  so 
far  lost  to  a  sense  of  womanly  behavior  as  still  to  seek  recognition,  the  cut 
direct  would  scarcely  wound  her  feelings. 

When  a  gentleman  is  introduced  to  a  lady,  both  bow,  and  the  gentleman 
begins  the  conversation.  He  must  never  offer  his  hand  unless  she  makes 
the  first  movement. 

A  gentleman  always  lifts  his  hat  in  offering  a  service  to  a  lady  unknown 
to  him.  No  matter  whether  restoring  her  handkerchief,  or  opening  her 
umbrella  as  she  descends  from  the  carriage,  the  hat  should  be  lifted  as  he 
offers  the  service,  and  during  the  service  if  convenient.  If  he  meets  a  lady 
in  a  hall  or  corridor,  he  lifts  his  hat,  opens  the  door,  and  offers  her  prece- 
dence, silently  and  without  resting  his  eyes  upon  her.  It  is  a  tribute  to 
woman  as  woman,  and  the  act  is  the  act  of  a  man  who  respects  himself,  and 
is  courteous  for  courtesy's  sake,  and  not  because  that  individual  lady  may 
be  charming.  He  always  raises  his  hat  as  he  begs  pardon  for  any  careless- 
ness or  inadvertence,  whether  she  is  a  friend  or  a  stranger. 

Taking  the  hand  is  a  more  cordial  expression  of  good  will  than  the  sim- 
ple salute,  and  supplements  it.  It  is  not  necessary  on  introduction,  though 
sometimes  permitted ;  but  when  mere  acquaintance  ripens  into  friendship 
or  intimacy,  it  is  perfectly  proper.  It  is  always  the  lady's  prerogative  to 


66  THE  SALUTATION. 

offer  the  hand ;  the  gentleman  takes  it  respectfully  and  cordially,  neither 
pressing  or  retaining  it,  either  of  which  would  be  inexcusably  rude.  A 
young  lady  always  rises  to  give  her  hand,  and  no  gentleman  would  ever 
think  of  taking  an  offered  hand  while  remaining  seated.  On  introduction, 
if  indoors,  a  married  lady  usually  offers  her  hand ;  a  young  lady  never  does. 
A  ball-room  introduction,  which  is  usually  for  the  purpose  of  dancing,  is 
simply  acknowledged  by  a  bow,  and  the  more  public  the  introduction,  the 
less  the  shaking  of  hands,  and  the  less  demonstrative  the  ceremony.  The 
ladies  whose  extreme  reserve  and  exclusiveness  only  permits  them  to  offer 
their  finger  tips,  or  two  of  their  fingers,  and  the  men  who  grasp  the  hand 
with  such  force  and  rudeness  as  to  render  the  ceremony  disagreeable  and 
even  painful,  should  be  banished  to  the  country  of  the  Hottentots,  where  it 
is  fashionable  to  salute  by  quietly  rubbing  the  toes 

When  riding,  driving  or  walking  in  public  streets,  no  salute  is  necessary 
after  the  first  recognition.  If  an  intimate  friend,  a  smile  or  look  suffices 
after  the  first  meeting,  but  if  only  an  acquaintance  it  is  better  to  avert  the 
eyes  and  avoid  seeing  him. 

In  passing  a  group  of  mourners,  when  the  dead  are  being  carried  out,  or 
in  passing  a  funeral  cortege  on  an  unfrequented  street,  the  gentleman  lifts 
his  hat  as  a  token  of  sympathy,  and  a  recognition  of  the  sorrow  that  comes 
sometime  to  all.  This  beautiful  custom  is  borrowed  from  France,  but  is 
very  generally  observed  in  America. 

The  difference  made  in  the  appearance  of  ladies  by  a  change  of  the  even- 
ing toilet  to  a  street  dress,  is  so  striking  that  it  sometimes  happens  that  a 
lady,  to  whom  a  gentleman  has  been  introduced  under  the  glare  of  the  gas- 
lights, is  scarcely  recognizable  on  the  promenade.  The  lady,  however,  bows 
in  recognition,  and  the  gentleman's  response  must  be  as  prompt  and  cordial 
as  if  the  apparent  stranger  were  a  valued  friend.  A  gentleman  is  compelled 
to  treat  every  apparent  lady  as  a  lady,  because  passers  by  could  not  possibly 
have  any  knowledge  of  his  reason  for  not  returning  a  lady's  bow,  and  his 
neglect  would  appear  to  be  little  less  then  an  insult. 

If  a  lady  addresses  an  inquiry  to  a  gentleman  on  the  street,  he  should  lift 
his  hat  as  he  answers  it,  and  express  his  regret  if  unable  to  give  the  inform- 
ation desired.  If,  in  conversation  with  a  lady  on  the  street  at  her  carriage, 
.she  requests  him  to  put  on  his  hat — as  she  will  if  she  is  well-bred — he  may 


THE  SALUTATION.  67 

replace  it.  If  a  gentleman  stops  a  friend  to  talk,  he  may  offer  his  hand 
without  removing  his  glove  and  turn  and  walk  with  him,  or  if  the  sidewalk 
is  unfrequented,  the  two  may  retire  to  one  side  of  the  walk,  out  of  the  way 
of  passers.  If  the  friend  have  a  stranger  with  him  he  should  receive  an 
apology  for  the  detention.  When  a  gentleman  leaves  a  friend  abruptly  to 
see  another,  he  should  ask  the  former  to  excuse  his  departure. 

A  gentleman  who  meets  a  lady  friend  walking  with  a  gentleman  known 
or  unknown  to  him,  lifts  the  hat,  saluting  the  lady  first,  if  the  gentleman  is 
an  acquaintance.  He  also  lifts  his  hat  to  a  gentleman  friend  who  is  walking 
with  an  unknown  lady,  and  the  friend  returns  the  salute  in  the  same 
manner. 

If  in  walking,  a  friend  is  met,  accompanied  by  one  who  is  not  an  ac- 
quaintance, it  is  polite  to  salute  both.  If  walking  with  a  friend  who  salutes 
one  not  known  to  you,  it  is  proper  to  speak  also,  and  with  the  same  respect 
as  if  he  were  a  friend. 

The  bow  as  a  rule  means  recognition,  and  not  simply  deference  and  res- 
pect, and  in  America,  between  merely  formal  acquaintance,  it  is  the  privi- 
lege of  the  lady  to  offer  the  recognition  and  the  duty  of  the  gentleman  to 
accept  it.  In  France  and  on  the  continent  generally,  this  is  reversed,  and 
no  lady  will  acknowledge  the  acquaintance  of  a  gentleman  unless  he  first 
bows  his  recognition. 

In  England,  the  lady  is  expected  to  bow  first,  a  custom  doubtless  growing 
out  of  the  fact  that  introductions,  given  in  the  ball  room  for  the  purposes  of 
the  dance,  are  not  titles  to  recognition  afterwards,  while  on  the  continent 
they  do  constitute  acquaintanceship.  Here,  no  merely  formal  acquaintan- 
ces have  the  right  to  change  the  recognition  rule,  but  between  intimate 
friends  it  is  not  material  which  bows  first,  the  gentleman  or  the  lady; 
indeed  with  well-bred  people  the  recognition  is  oftenest  simultaneous,  the 
quick  recognition  of  the  eye  preceding  the  formal  salute.  If  the  acquaint- 
ance is  formal,  the  lady  may  be  reserved  or  cordial  in  her  salutation,  and  the 
gentleman  must  be  responsive  to  her  manner,  claiming  only  as  much  as  she 
offers.  No  lady  will  be  capricious  in  her  recognitions,  now  cool  and  now 
cordial,  nor  will  she  be  demonstrative  in  her  public  greetings.  She  may 
refuse  to  recognize,  for  sufficient  reasons,  but  a  recognition  offered  in  u*t  be 
fully  polite.  A  conspicuously  frigid  salutation  is  an  insult  in  the  presence 


68  THE  SALUTATION. 

of  strangers,  which  she  has  no  right  to  inflict.  A  formal  bow  and  faint 
smile,  reserved  but  not  discourteous,  is  all  that  a  refined  lady  is  permitted  to 
offer  on  the  promenade,  the  street,  or  in  any  public  place,  even  to  the  most 
intimate  friend,  and  the  well-bred  gentleman  never  criticises  the  dignity  of 
her  demeanor,  because  he  knows  she  reserves  her  more  cordial  and  friendly 
greetings  for  occasions  where  they  may  meet  in  the  greater  privacy  of  her 
own  home,  or  at  social  gatherings  at  the  invitation  of  common  friends. 

The  same  rule  of  recognition  holds  good  among  formal  acquaintances 
meeting  at  entertainments.  The  gentleman  must  wait  recognition,  and  the 
lady  will  be  careful  to  give  it  promptly,  lest  she  be  thought  discourteous  to 
the  hostess  who  has  invited  him,  as  well  as  to  the  gentleman  himself;  but 
even  here,  the  cordiality  of  recognition  must  be  tempered  with  such 
womanly  dignity  that  the  self-admiring  of  the  sex  will  have  no  cause  to 
fancy  that  she  seeks  or  especially  desires  their  attentions. 

There  is  some  conflict  of  authority  on  the  point  of  precedence  in  recogni- 
tion, but  the  safe  rule,  because  the  general  accepted  one,  is  that  laid  down 
in  the  preceding  pages.  We  quote,  however,  from  an  unquestionable  author- 
ity, (Mrs.  H.  O.  Ward,  in  "Sensible  Etiquette,")  the  following,  bearing 
upon  this  custom,  and  advocating  a  change  by  the  adoption  of  the  continen- 
tal custom,  as  more  in  keeping  with  our  social  habits: 

"  The  existing  rule  that  the  lady  shall  bow  first,  has  been  nothing  but  a 
stumbling-block  since  it  was  first  introduced  in  America,  within  the  mem- 
ory of  the  present  generation.  It  has  never  been  generally  adopted  by 
members  of  our  oldest  families,  or  by  men  who  feel  secure  of  their  position 
in  society.  It  is  in  fact  a  rule  which  is  utterly  inimical  to  the  best  interests 
of  social  life,  and  one  which  has  no  foot-hold  in  our  necessities.  It  was 
made  for  a  certain  social  requirement  of  society  in  England,  and  still  holds 
good  for  that  one  requirement  there,  and  for  no  other.  Ask  a  well-bred 
Englishman  if  he  waits  for  any  lady,  to  whose  house  he  has  been  once  in- 
vited, or  to  whom  he  has  once  been  properly  introduced  in  exclusive  society, 
to  show  her  recognition  of  him  first,  and  his  hearty  disclaimer  will  give  a 
man  the  clue  as  to  his  duties.  The  rule  was  made  for  introductions 
given  at  balls,  for  the  purpose  of  providing  ladies  with  partners,  and  does 
not  in  any  way  bear  upon  introductions  given  among  people  in  one's  own 
class. 


THE  SALUTATION.  69 

"  On  the  continent,  under  no  circumstances,  does  the  lady  speak  first, 
and  American  ladies,  whose  age  and  nearness  of  sight,  prevents  them  from 
being  the  first  to  recognize  gentlemen  who  have  been  introduced  to  them, 
are  grateful  for  a  rule  so  well  established,  and  would  like  to  see  it  univer- 
sally adopted  here.  A  woman  has  it  in  her  power  to  drop  a  man  whom  she 
finds  wanting  in  refinement;  but  there  are  few  who  possess  the  gift  of  rec- 
ognizing all  who  have  been  introduced  to  them,  when  numerous  introduc- 
tions have  been  given  in  one  evening,  and  sometimes  happens  at  receptions, 
where  acquaintances  of  the  daughters  and  sons  are  for  the  first  time  the 
guests  of  the  mother. 

"This  rule,  to  suit  our  ways  of  life,  should  require  the  one  who  recog- 
nizes first  to  bow  first,  irrespective  of  age  or  sex.  It  is  true  that  it  is  the 
duty  of  the  young  to  recall  themselves  to  their  elders,  but  sometimes  the 
elders  may  be  the  first  to  recognize,  and  any  rule  which  prevents  either 
from  bowing  first  has  not  yet  imposed  its  trammels  anywhere  in  the  United 
States  in  our  best  society.  We  need  no  such  barrier  for  protection  against 
the  intrusive,  and  it  does  actual  harm  in  keeping  persons  apart,  who  would 
have  been  glad  to  have  dispensed  with  all  unnecessary  formalities  in  their 
intercourse  with  each  other  had  each  been  equally  quick  to  recognize  the 
other. 

"Gentlemen  have  fancied  that  ladies  to  whom  they  had  asked  to  be 
introduced,  did  not  wish  their  acquaintance,  because  these  ladies  failed  to 
recognize  them  (meeting  the  next  time)  as  they  surely  would  have  done, 
had  the  gentleman  taken  the  iniatory  in  bowing ;  consequently,  as  Ameri- 
can gentlemen  do  not  consider  binding  the  foreign  rule  of  leaving  a  card 
upon  a  lady  to  whom  they  have  had  themselves  introduced,  the  acquain- 
tance, which  may  have  been  mutually  desired,  drops,  and  the  lady  is  robbed 
of  the  gratification  she  naturally  felt  at  finding  her  acquaintance  sought. 
Pages  written  upon  this  subject  would  not  exhaust  the  evils  arising  from 
the  observance  of  this  obnoxious  rule,  as  foreign  to  the  spirit  of  a  republic 
as  it  is  to  the  instincts  of  the  well-bred.  Only  very  young  men  are  likely 
to  adopt  it,  althoug  h  now  and  then  those  who  are  old  enough  to  know  bet- 
ter have  allowed  themselves  to  be  perplexed  by  it. 

"  A  lady  always  has  it  in  her  power  to  prevent  a  bowing  acquaintance 
from  making  any  further  demand  upon  her,  and  this  being  admitted,  no  rea- 


70.  THE  SALUTATION. 

son  can  be  given  why  she  should  be  made  to  bear  all  the  odium  of  non- 
recognition.  Though  a  quickness  for  remembering  faces  and  names  is  con- 
sidered one  of  the  marks  of  good  breeding,  it  is  an  impossibility  for  those 
whose  circles  are  widely  extended,  to  remember  all  who  have  been  intro- 
duced to  them,  unless,  like  kings  and  queens,  they  have  some  one  at  their 
shoulders  to  remind  them;  while  a  gentleman  cannot  fail  to  recognize 
a  lady  whom  he  has  known  well  enough  by  sight  to  ask  an  introduction  to 
her.  This  mischievous  rule  should  be  disregarded  everywhere  in  the  United 
States  by  those  who  seek  the  fixity  of  social  customs." 

Admitting  the  full  force  of  all  that  we  have  quoted  from  Mrs.  Ward's 
"  Sensible  Etiquette,"  the  fact  still  remains  that  the  custom  in  most  circles 
in  all  cities,  recognizes  the  rule  laid  down,  which  makes  it  the  duty  and 
privilege  of  the  lady  to  take  the  initiatory  in  recognizing  merely  formal 
acquaintances,  while  in  the  case  of  friends  it  is  immaterial  which  offers  the 
first  token  of  greeting.  To  follow  any  other  rule  would  subject  one  to  a 
suspicion  of  ill-breeding.  It  may  be  that  re/orm  is  proper  and  necessary, 
but  those  of  age  and  recognized  social  position  are  the  proper  parties  to  take 
the  rote,  and  not  the  younger  members,  whose  violation  of  a  recognized  rule 
might  be  attributed  to  ignorance  or  carelessness. 

When  calling,  a  gentleman  leaves  his  over-shoes,  over-coat,  and  umbrella 
in  the  hall,  but  retains  his  hat.  The  lady  rises  to  salute  and  receive  him, 
unless  for  some  reason,  age  or  illness,  she  cannot,  when  she  retains  her  seat 
and  excuses  herself  from  rising.  If  she  offers  the  hand,  he  takes  it  respect- 
fully but  does  not  remove  his  glove. 

When  a  gentleman  has  been  the  recipient  of  any  courtesy  or  hospitality 
from  a  lady,  it  is  his  duty  to  recognize  her  at  meeting,  though  she  may  not 
recall  him  at  the  moment,  and  to  continue  the  recognition  as  often  as  they 
meet,  until  it  becomes  mutual.  Ladies  who  entertain  largely,  or  those  who 
have  wide  circles  of  acquaintance,  do  not  readily  distinguish  the  faces  of 
those  whom  they  have  not  met.  This  is  true  especially  of  young  men  who, 
at  most,  have  only  a  moment  or  two  of  conversation  with  the  hostess,  but 
for  whom  the  invitation  to  be  present  at  her  house  ought  to  be  sufficient 
evidence  that  she  appreciates  their  merit  and  values  their  friendship.  In 
such  cases,  common  civility  and  common  sense  unite  in  the  decree  that  the 
gentleman  so  complimented  should  offer  his  recognition  first. 


THE  SALUTATION.  71 

The  most  familiar  salutation  is  the  kiss,  and  custom  gives  a  reluctant 
sanction  to  women  kissing  in  public,  but  there  is  a  touch  of  coarseness  about 
a  parade  of  affection,  and  a  lady  of  real  refinement  shrinks  from  it  when 
possible  without  oftense.  At  most,  it  can  be  proper  only  on  special  occa- 
sions and  between  persons  really  intimate.  Those  who  offer  this  familiar 
salute  to  ladies  on  a  first  introduction,  or  to  casual  acquaintances,  can  make 
no  claim  to  good  breeding,  or  a  nice  sense  of  propriety.  There  is  something 
in  the  reserve  of  the  typical  American  character  that  forbids  any  public  dis- 
play of  affection,  even  between  relatives,  and  the  habit  of  kissing  which 
prevails  among  girls  and  young  ladies  who  have  not  outgrown  the  gushing 
period,  is  not  carried  into  cultivated  circles.  If  there  were  no  physiological 
objections  to  it,  particularly  in  the  case  of  persons  in  ill-health,  it  is  often 
particularly  disagreeable  to  persons  of  sensitive  physical  organization,  and 
the  well-bred  are  careful  never  to  be  disagreeable. 


"  True  happiness 

Consists,  not  in  the  multitude  of  friends, 
But  in  the  worth  and  choice;  nor  would  I  have 
Virtue  a  popular  regard  pursue ; 
Let  those  be  good  that  love  me,  though  but  few." 

THERE  are  rules  laid  down  in  books  of  etiquette,  which  do  not  add  to  the 
convenience  of  communities  or  aid  the  individual  in  his  intercourse  with 
society.  These  are  senseless  laws,  but  there  are  many  customs  that  must  of 
necessity  be  strictly  observed  in  the  large  social  circles  of  great  cities,  which 
are  needless  and  therefore  obsolete  in  the  narrower,  but  often  no  less  cultured 
society  of  smaller  towns.  But  even  if  living  where  many  of  the  rules  of  the 
best  society  are  not  observed,  every  lady  and  gentleman,  should  have  a  per- 
fect mastery  of  all  their  details,  in  anticipation  of  future  promotion  to  a 
larger  circle.  There  is,  probably,  no  code  of  rules  that  to  the  novice  is,  at 
first  thought,  so  devoid  of  reason,  and  so  utterly  confusing,  as  that  in  which 
the  bits  of  paste-board  known  as  visiting  cards,  figure  so  conspicuously;  and 
yet  there  is  not  a  rule  of  "  Paste-board  Politeness,"  as  some  writer  has  sneer- 
ingly  termed  it,  that  has  not  had  its  rise  in  a  social  necessity  and  sound 
sense. 

There  ought  to  be  no  difference  in  the  courtesies  observed,  or  in  the  con- 
duct of  individuals,  whether  in  great  cities  or  in  smaller  towns,  except  such 
local  observances  as  local  circumstances  may  make  necessary  or  convenient. 
The  general  rules  of  society,  which  are  based  on  sound  sense,  and  further 


THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN.  73 

the  interests  of  society,  are  as  much  adapted  to  a  village,  as  to  the  most  cul- 
tivated circles  of  New  York  or  Boston.  And  the  more  thoroughly  such  cus- 
toms are  understood,  and  the  more  strictly  they  are  observed,  the  more 
agreeable  and  fruitful  in  pleasure,  will  be  all  contact  with  society,  no  matter 
how  obscure  the  locality  or  how  small  the  circle.  Then  a  person  passing 
from  one  locality  to  another,  is  never  at  a  loss  as  to  his  duty,  and  there  is  no 
possibility  of  his  being  misunderstood.  It  is  only  necessary  that  each  should 
be  at  pains  to  inform  himself  as  to  the  habits  of  good  society,  and  carefully 
practice  them,  instead  of  looking  upon  manners  as  frivolous  and  superficial. 
It  is  the  contempt  for  rules  of  behavior,  expressed  often  by  men  who  ought 
to  know  their  uses  better,  that  perpetuates  rudeness,  and  makes  society  the 
chaos  it  often  is. 

After  the  ceremony  of  introduction  to  a  lady,  the  gentleman  is  not  yet  on 
a  footing  of  acquaintance.  His  next  step,  if  he  wishes  her  friendship,  is 
tentative ;  he  leaves  his  card  at  her  residence.  It  is  the  lady's  privilege  to 
invite  him  to  call  on  her  or  to  refuse  such  permission.  If  no  notice  is  taken 
of  the  card,  he  must  wait  for  a  recognition  at  the  next  meeting,  and  if  no 
acknowledgement  of  his  desire  to  become  acquainted  is  given,  he  may  con- 
clude that  for  personal  reasons,  or  because  her  list  is  already  too  large,  his 
acquaintance  is  not  desired.  If,  however,  the  lady  desires  to  continue  the 
acquaintance,  on  the  receipt  of  his  card  her  mother  or  chaperon  sends  an 
invitation  to  him  to  visit  the  family,  or  to  be  present  at  an  entertainment, 
after  which  he  must  call  and  pay  his  respects. 

In  most  countries  abroad,  a  gentleman  who  has  been  introduced  to  a  lady, 
by  his  own  request,  calls  the  following  day.  If  his  acquaintance  is  desired, 
the  call  is  returned  by  the  gentleman  of  the  house.  If  a  gentleman  so  intro- 
duced does  not  call,  not  even  a  bowing  acquaintance  is  kept  up.  There  are 
few  families  who  care  to  admit  strangers  to  their  friendship,  without  some 
formality,  and  this  seems  as  simple  and  as  little  disagreeable  as  any. 

If  he  is  introduced  by  card  or  by  letter,  he  calls  upon  the  lady  addressed, 
and  inquires  for  the  ladies  of  the  family,  sending  in  his  own  card  bearing 
his  addresss,  with  the  card  or  letter  which  introduces  him.  If  the  friend 
through  whom  the  introduction  comes,  is  properly  respected,  he  will  be 
received,  or  if  that  is  impossible  for  any  reason,  an  explanation  wTill  be  made 
and  a  more  convenient  time  appointed.  If  a  gentleman  asks  to  be  presented 


74  THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN, 

to  a  married  or  elderly  lady,  it  is  a  compliment  to  her,  and  she  may  greet 
him  in  a  cordial  way  which  shows  she  appreciates  and  values  his  good  opin- 
ion, or,  if  she  is  pleased  with  him,  she  may  give  him  permission  to  pay  his 
respects  by  a  visit.  In  the  first  case  he  must  wait  for  her  recognition  at  the 
next  meeting;  in  the  second  the  way  to  friendship  is  open,  if  further  meet- 
ings prove  mutually  agreeable.  The  unmarried  lady  is  not  allowed  to  give 
a  gentleman  permission  to  visit  her,  on  introduction,  and  the  only  course 
left  him,  by  which  he  can  further  his  interests  is  to  leave  his  card,  and  await 
the  result.  This  rule  makes  acquaintance  easy,  when  it  is  desired  by 
both  parties,  and  no  man  with  the  instincts  of  a  gentleman,  would 
wish  to  force  his  presence  where  it  is  not  welcome,  however  humiliating 
it  might  be  to  have  the  fact  pressed  upon  his  attention.  There  must  be 
rules  and  safeguards  to  protect  people  from  unwelcome  and  undesirable 
visitors,  who  consume  time,  and  bring  no  pleasure  which  compensates  for 
its  loss. 

"  In  many  cases  the  style  of  a  gentleman's-  card  will  secure  or  deny  him 
a  favorable  answer.  What  seems  to  the  uninitiated  a  trifling  bit  of  paper, 
is  really  full  of  subtle  significance.  Its  texture,  size,  and  style  of  engraving, 
and  even  the  hour  of  leaving  it,  conveys  to  the  fair  lady  a  ready  key  to 
unlock  secrets  of  character  and  training,  and  indicates  his  social  level  as 
certainly,  indeed,  more  certainly  than  his  conversation  and  manners.  The 
card  recalls  the  friend  who  asked  and  was  granted  permission  to  present  the 
gentleman  who  now,  by  taking  the  trouble  to  leave  his  card,  expresses  his 
desire  to  visit  her.  If  the  card  is  in  perfect  taste,  she  notes  this  evidence  of 
refinement,  and  knowledge  of  the  nice  details  that  are  observed  by  well-bred 
people  in  high  social  position,  and  sets  them  down  in  his  favor.  If  he  is  a 
business  man,  and  cannot  command  the  strictly  conventional  hours  for  call- 
ing, between  two  and  five  o'clock,  he  leaves  his  card  in  the  evening  between 
half  past  eight  and  nine  o'clck,  if  in  New  York.  If  in  another  city,  he  will 
take  care  to  learn  the  social  customs  which  regulate  visiting  hours,  and  care- 
fully observe  them.  If  his  card  is  so  small  as  to  appear  whimsical,  or  so 
large  as  to  be  ostentatious,  or  if  the  texture  be  coarse,  or  the  engraving 
other  than  fashionably  neat,  or  if  he  call  too  early  or  too  late,  it  is  clear  that 
he  is  unfamiliar  with  elegant  etiquette  or  too  careless  to  prove  an  agreeable 
acquaintance." 


THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN.  75 

Within  a  week  after  any  social  entertainment  to  which  he  has  been 
invited,  no  matter  whether  the  invitation  was  accepted  or  declined,  a  gentle- 
man makes  a  call  in  acknowledgment  of  the  courtesy ;  at  the  door  he  sends 
in  his  card,  and  if  he  learns  that  the  ladies  are  not  receiving,  he  leaves  a 
card  each  for  host  and  hostess,  both  turned  down.  If  from  business  engage- 
ments, or  any  other  pressing  reason,  he  finds  it  impossible  to  make  the  call, 
within  the  prescribed  time,  he  sends  his  card  in  one  of  the  ways  explained 
further  on  in  this  chapter.  This  after-call  is  an  absolute  requirement  among 
well-bred  people,  as  absolutely  necessary  to  good  standing  as  answering  an 
invitation  promptly  on  its  receipt,  and  a  neglect  to  call  is  set  down  as  an 
unpardonable  rudeness,  showing  an  utter  want  or  appreciation  of  the  cour- 
tesy extended ;  and  a  gentleman  willfuly  or  stupidly  guilty  of  such  an  offense 
would  be  left  out  in  the  future. 

After  a  first  invitation  to  a  house  it  is  a  custom  commonly  observed  to 
acknowledge  the  courtesy  by 'calling  the  next  day;  it  is  imperative  to  call 
within  three  days ;  after  dinners  a  call  must  be  made  within  three  days,  and 
after  a  party  or  a  ball  within  a  week.  This  is  necessary,  whether  the  invita- 
tion was  accepted  or  not.  It  is  permitted,  however,  to  business  and  profes- 
sional men  to  send  their  card  by  a  friend,  or  if  married,  by  the  wife  or  some 
member  of  the  family.  In  the  latter  case,  if  one  card  bears  the  names  of 
both  husband  and  wife,  and  the  lady  is  not  receiving,  this  card  is  turned 
down  and  left,  and  the  husband's  card  is  also  left  for  the  host.  The  latter 
card  is  not  turned  down  unless  the  husband  has  called  in  person.  No  other 
cards  of  the  husband  are  left  for  other  unmarried  members  of  the  family, 
unless  their  cards  have  previously  been  left  for  him,  or  they  are  much  his 
elders,  or  there  is  some  special  reason  for  so  distinguishing  them.  If  the 
husband  and  wife  have  separate  cards,  and  the  lady  is  not  receiving,  the 
wife's  card  is  left  for  the  hostess,  and  two  of  the  husband's,  one'for  the  host 
and  one  for  the  hostess.  If  guests  are  stopping  at  the  house,  cards  must 
also  be  left  for  them,  if  ladies  are  not  found  to  be  receiving.  The  cards  of 
gentlemen,  not  accompanying  callers,  or  of  aged  persons  who  have  ceased 
formal  visiting,  are  left  on  the  hall  table,  in  case  the  servant  is  not 
provided  with  a  tray.  In  case  it  is  impossible  to  make  the  call  within  the 
prescribed  time  after  an  entertainment,  a  note  of  explanation  should  be 
written. 


76  THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN. 

In  making  a  formal  call,  the  gentleman  must  ask  for  all  the  ladies  of  the 
household,  but  it  is  necessary  to  send  in  only  one  card  for  all.  The  mission 
of  this  card  is  to  announce  to  the  ladies  who  the  visitor  is,  without  risk  of 
a  violent  transformation  of  the  name  at  the  hands,  or  rather  the  lips  of  the 
servant,  if  the  name  was  entrusted  to  her  ear  and  memory ;  otherwise  "Mr. 
Joseph  Phillips"  might  be  announced  as  u  Mr.  Moses  Juleps,"  and  disaster 
result  to  the  innocent  visitor.  If  the  ladies  are  not  receiving,  the  caller 
learns  that  fact  at  the  door,  and  leaves  one  card  for  the  lady  of  the  house, 
and  one  for  a  guest  if  there  be  one.  If  it  is  not  the  first  call  of  the  season, 
no  third  card  for  the  family  is  necessary,  but  the  card  left  for  the  lady  of  the 
house  should  be  folded  down  the  middle.  It  is  imperative  that  a  separate 
card  should  be  left  for  the  guest.  In  New  York,  however,  a  gentleman 
sends  in  a  card  for  each  member  of  the  family  old  enough  to  go  into  society, 
and  with  whom  he  has  an  acquaintance.  If  he  knows  father  and  daughter, 
or  mother  and  daughter  only,  he  sends  a  card  each,  for  the  parents,  and  one 
for  the  daughter,  but  sends  none  to  brothers  and  sisters  .with  whom  he  has 
no  acquaintance.  As  customs  differ  in  different  cities,  it  is  a  safe  rule  to 
learn  the  local  customs  by  inquiry. 

The  formal  call  should  not  much  exceed  fifteen  minutes.  The  gentleman 
should  rise  as  the  lady  or  ladies  enter  the  drawing  room,  and  should  remain 
standing  until  they  are  seated.  He  should  display  no  nervousness,  such  as 
twisting  his  cane,  twitching  his  watch  chain,  or  drumming  on  his  chair. 
He  should  be  cool,  alert,  talking  freely  and  easily,  but  not  monopolizing  the 
conversation.  Without  looking  at  his  watch,  he  must  rise  promptly  and 
retreat  in  good  order.  The  painful  efforts  some  men  make  to  get  out  of  a 
drawing-room  are  only  equalled  by  the  awkwardness  with  which  they  enter 
it,  and  many  who  are  able  to  enter  a  room  with  tolerable  grace,  have  not 
mastered  the  art  of  retiring  without  undue  haste,  or  unbecoming  lingering. 
In  case  other  ladies  enter  the  drawing-room  during  his  call,  he  should  rise 
and  remain  standing  until  they  are  seated,  but  he  need  not  offer  a  seat  unless 
requested  by  the  hostess,  and  then  not  his  own  if  others  are  at  hand.  If,  on 
entering  the  drawing-room,  he  finds  others  there,  he  may  converse  with 
them  freely,  whether  they  have  been  introduced  to  him  or  not.  If  others 
come  in  during  his  call,  he  must  not  prolong  his  stay  too  much,  but  must 
take  advantage  of  a  lull  to  take  leave  of  the  hostess,  one  bow  sufficing  for  the 


THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN.  77 

rest.  If  ladies  to  whom,  he  is  talking,  rise  to  take  leave  he  rises  with  them 
and  accompanies  them  to  their  carriage.  If  his  stay  has  not  been  too  short, 
it  is  less  awkward  if  he  takes  his  leave  at  the  same  time  and  does  not  return. 
On  entering  the  drawing-room,  he  greets  the  hostess  first.  He  never  offers 
his  hand,  but  never  fails  to  take  her's  promptly  and  cordially  if  offered.  A 
married  lady  may  give  her  hand  but  does  not  shake ;  a  young  lady  does  not 
offer  her  hand  except  to  relatives  or  very  intimate  friends,  or  to  friends  who 
have  been  absent  for  a  long  time,  or  for  some  special  reason,  deserve  such  a. 
mark  of  esteem.  After  the  greeting,  he  takes  any  convenient  chair  without 
waiting  for  the  hostess  to  ask  him  to  be  seated. 

If  a  gentleman  visits  a  lady  whom  he  has  met  in  society,  and  the 
acquaintance  warrants  it,  she  may  receive  him  without  the  presence  of  her 
mother  or  chaperon,  provided  she  has  been  in  society  a  full  season.  But  the 
gentleman  must  not  so  far  forget  his  breeding  as  not  to  inquire  for  her 
mother,  even  when  he  expects  and  desires  that  she  should  excuse  herself. 
The  inquiry  for  her  is  respectful  and  complimentary,  and  if  she  appears  and 
remains  during  the  call,  he  must  never  cease  to  be  agreeable  to  her,  nor  fail 
to  ask  for  her  every  time  his  call  is  repeated.  If  the  daughter  prefers  her 
absence,  that  is  an  affair  to  be  settled  between  themselves,  with  which  the 
visitor,  in  theory,  at  least,  has  no  sort  of  concern.  Besides  if  the  mother  is 
the  superior  woman  long  experience  in  society  should  have  made  her,  it  is 
in  her  power  to  lend  a  grace  and  charm  to  the  visit  that  is  not  possible  with- 
out the  polish  and  ease  that  years  of  social  intercourse  give.  In  any  event, 
the  gentleman  may  rest  assured  that  the  well-bred  lady  knows  when  her 
presence  is  a  pleasure  to  young  people,  and  when  it  is  a  restraint;  in  either 
case  there  is  nothing  left  but  submission.  If  the  presence  is  a  charm,  he 
will  be  only  too  glad  to  enjoy  it ;  if  a  restraint,  let  the  young  man  look  to 
and  mend  his  ways. 

When  a  gentleman  is  not  admitted  the  first  time  he  calls,  he  leaves  one 
card  for  the  married  lady  of  the  house,  one  for  the  husband,  (both  turned 
down  to  indicate  that  they  were  left  in  person)  and  one  folded  down  the  mid- 
dle for  the  remaining  members  of  the  family  proper,  that  is,  the  sons  and 
daughters.  Afterwards,  until  the  time  for  making  the  yearly  call  at  the 
beginning  of  the  next  season,  only  one  card,  folded  down  the  middle  to  indi- 
cate that  it  is  left  for  the  family,  is  necessary.  If  a  guest  is  entertained  at 


78  THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN. 

the  house,  a  separate  card  must  be  left,  also  turned  down.  If  calling  upon 
a  guest,  in  a  household  where  he  is  not  known,  it  is  necessary  to  inquire  if 
the  lady  is  at  home  and  to  leave  her  his  card.  She  may  decline  to  be  pres- 
ent during  the  call,  but  it  is  a  pleasant  courtesy  if  she  enters  the  drawing- 
room,  and  remains  long  enough  to  welcome  him  as  a  friend  of  her  guest. 

In  making  the  yearly  call  (after  returning  to  the  city  after  the  close  of 
the  summer  vacation)  a  gentleman  should  leave  a  card  at  each  of  the  houses 
where  he  calls.  This  is  to  save  the  lady  the  trouble  of  remembering  who 
has  called  and  who  has  not,  a  task  of  no  little  moment  when  the  circle  of 
acquaintance  is  large.  It  is  important  that  the  street  and  number  should 
appear  on  the  card,  as  otherwise,  invitations  may  not  reach  those  for  whom 
they  are  intended.  After  cards  have  been  left  once,  they  need  not  be  left 
again  during  the  year,  except  after  an  entertainment,  or  upon  a  guest. 

Business  and  professional  men,  who  have  no  leisure  for  calling  during  the 
strictly  conventional  hours,  are  adopting  the  custom  of  calling  in  the  eve- 
ning, whenever  they  prefer  to  do  more  than  send  a  card.  The  relaxation  of 
the  hour  is  favorable  for  the  cultivation  of  social  amenities,  and  the  growth 
of  a  friendship  that  takes  deeper  root  than  the  mere  acquaintance  resulting 
from  the  exchange  of  formal  civilities. 

Ladies  who  understand  the  customs  of  society,  do  not  receive  for  three 
days  after  giving  an  entertainment,  and  gentlemen  may  call  within  that 
limit  with  the  certainty  of  not  being  admitted. 

Calling  hours  vary  in  different  cities,  beginning  as  early  as  twelve  o'clock 
in  the  smaller  towns.  Where  luncheon  (the  mid-day  meal)  is  served  at  one 
o'clock,  neither  that  or  the  afternoon  drive  is  interfered  with,  if  the  calling 
hours  are  from  two  to  five.  If  early  dinner  is  the  custom,  from  one  to  four 
is  a  convenient  time.  The  local  custom  decides  the  proper  hours,  and  it  is 
polite  to  strictly  conform  to  them.  Nowhere,  however,  is  it  proper  to  call 
before  twelve.  If  a  gentleman  is  once  admitted  into  the  house,  when  ladies 
are  not  receiving,  by  the  blunder  of  a  servant,  he  must  be  received  at  what- 
ever inconvenience ;  and  no  lady  who  properly  understands  her  duties,  will 
keep  a  caller  waiting,  at  least  not  without  asking  if  a  delay  of  a  few  minutes 
will  bo  an  inconvenience. 

Gentlemen  leave  umbrellas,  overcoats  and  overshoes  in  the  hall,  but 
retain  their  hats  and  canes,  never  placing  them  upon  any  article  of  furni- 


THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN.  79 

ture.  They  are  either  held  in.  the  hand  or  placed  near  the  chair  upon  the 
floor.  It  is  only  when  calling  upon  old  friends  that  the  hat  is  left  in  the 
hall  with  other  outer  wraps. 

Friendly  calls  on  intimate  friends  are  made  at  any  hour,  due  respect 
being  had  to  the  habits  and  convenience  of  the  family.  They  should  not  be 
too  frequent,  nor  too  protracted.  If  you  are  brilliant,  to  go  while  friends 
are  hungering  for  more  of  your  society  is  better  than  to  await  their  satiety. 
If  only  a  mediocre,  you  will  only  be  endurable  in  visits  of  moderate  length, 
and  long  visits  will  result  in  your  being  voted  a  bore.  A  plain  attire  is  always 
proper  for  a  friendly  call. 

A  gentleman  always  promptly  answers  every  invitation  sent  him,  either 
accepting  or  declining.  Answers  to  invitations  to  receptions,  kettle-drums 
and  similar  entertainments  may  be  sent  by  post ;  those  to  balls  and  parties 
and  formal  entertainments,  by  special  messenger. 

Members  of  clubs  or  societies  which  meet  regularly  for  social  pur- 
poses, do  not  leave  cards  after  such  entertainments,  but  friends  who  are  not 
members,  who  share  the  hospitality  of  the  gentleman  entertaining,  should 
hand  in  or  send  their  cards,  as  a  token  of  their  appreciation  of  the  courtesy. 
One  card  is  all  that  is  required  to  be  left  for  the  club. 

When  a  marriage  ceremony  is  private,  only  the  most  intimate  friends 
and  relatives  being  included  in  the  invitations  to  the  ceremony,  or  when  no 
reception  is  given  after  the  ceremony  at  church,  the  bridegroom  may  enclose 
his  own  card  to  such  friends  as  he  wishes  to  retain  on  visiting  terms.  Gen- 
tlemen who  receive  such  a  card,  must  call  on  the  bride  within  ten  days  after 
she  has  taken  possession  of  her  new  home. 

Before  going  abroad  for  years,  or  when  intending  a  long  absence,  cards 
marked  "  P.  P.  C."  (which  stands  for  the  French  "Pour prende  conge,"  to 
take  leave,)  in  one  corner,  should  be  left  on  all  acquaintances.  These  may 
be  enclosed  in  an  envelope  and  sent  by  post. 

Gentlemen  need  not  expect  to  receive  invitations  to  entertainments  from 
ladies  on  whom  they  have  not  made  the  yearly  call  at  the  beginning  of  the 
season. 

Calls  of  congratulation  on  the  birth  of  a  child,  are  made  one  month  after. 
•Relatives  and  intimate  friends  call  sooner.  In  France,  cards  are  left  and 
made  to  do  duty  for  calls  in  person,  after  births,  marriages  and  deaths. 


80  THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN. 

Cards  of  congratulation  must  be  left  in  person,  unless  a  congratulatory 
note  is  made  to  do  duty  instead.  After  a  marriage,  the  call  in  person  upon 
the  newly-wedded  pair,  and  the  parents  who  extended  the  invitation,  to  the 
ceremony  is  imperative.  If  there  has  been  a  reception  after  the  ceremony, 
which  it  was  not  possible  to  attend,  and  your  card  has  been  sent  by  some 
member  of  the  family  to  represent  you,  no  further  call  need  be  made  until 
after  receiving  cards  naming  the  address  of  the  new  residence.  A  call 
should  be  made,  however,  upon  the  parents  who  gave  the  invitation.  If 
neither  the  wedding  cards  nor  the  card  of  the  bridegroom  are  received,  a 
call  would  be  an  intrusion. 

When  a  betrothal  is  formally  announced,  which  is  done  in  some  pleasant 
and  graceful  way  by  the  parents  of  the  parties,  those  of  each  giving  notice 
to  their  especial  circle  of  friends,  the  friends  of  each  make  congratulatory 
calls.  Sending  flowers  to  the  bride  elect  is  a  very  pretty  custom,  always 
pleasing  to  a  lady. 

A  congratulatory  visit  upon  a  friend  is  in  order  when  he  has  been  elected 
to  an  office,  or  had  any  honor  conferred  upon  him,  or  if  he  has  done  some- 
thing that  has  brought  him  distinction — delivered  an  oration,  or  a  discourse, 
or  accomplished  some  task  that  deserved  especial  praise.  If  elected  to  an 
office,  congratulate  the  country  on  his  selection  for  a  position  he  is  so  well 
fitted  to  fill  with  honor,  and  if  he  has  distinguished  himself  in  a  piece  of 
eloquence,  thank  him  for  the  pleasure  he  has  given  you  and  the  profit,  you 
have  derived.  The  compliments,  to  be  polite,  must  be  sincere  and  frank. 
If  they  degenerate  into  flattery,  they  are  rude,  and  will  offend  if  the  friend 
is  a  man  of  sense,  and  has  that  correct  estimate  of  himself  that  marks  the 
gentleman. 

After  a  friend  has  suffered  a  bereavement,  a  call  must  be  made  within 
ten  days,  if  on  intimate  terms  with  the  family;  if  not  intimate,  within  one 
month.  Mere  acquaintances  simply  leave  a  card,  after  inquiring  after  the 
health  of  the  family.  More  intimate  friends  may  or  may  not  be  admitted. 
If  they  are  received,  they  must  on  no  account  allude  to  the  event,  unless  the 
bereaved  first  mention  it,  or  seem  to  desire  to  make  it  a  topic  of  conversa- 
tion. It  is  proper  and  kindly  to  show  sympathy  in  any  delicate  way  possi- 
ble, but  only  the  most  intimate  friendship  warrants  a  mention  of  the  sub- 
ject, on  the  occasion  of  a  call  or  at  meeting.  The  custom  of  writing  tearful 


THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN,  81 

letters,  and  prolonging  the  agony  of  bereavement,  already  too  hard  to  bear, 
has  long  since  ceased  to  be  observed,  and  the  wounded  heart  is  allowed  to 
heal  in  silence. 

No  call  made  in  person  can  be  returned  by  sending  a  card  by  messenger. 
Such  a  slight,  particularly  if  sent  to  an  older  or  more  prominent  person 
than  yourself,  would  be  regarded  as  unpardonable.  The  only  exception  to- 
to  this  rule  is  the  "  P.  P.  C."  card  and  those  sent  by  persons  in  mourning. 

In  calling  at  hotel,  send  up  your  card,  however  intimate  you  maybe,  and 
wait  for  an  invitation  to  the  room.  If  no  servant  can  be  found  to  announce 
you,  announce  yourself  by  a  rap  at  the  door,  and  await  an  invitation  to 
enter.  The  over-familiar  friend,  who  bursts  into  your  private  room  without 
warning,  at  unseasonable  and  unreasonable  hours,  is  not  only  an  intolerable 
nuisance,  but  a  positive  terror.  He  is  like  the  crowing  Shanghai  in  the 
story  of  the  invalid,  told  by  Mr.  Charles  Bristed,  in  one  of  his  papers  on  the 
want  of  politeness  among  Americans.  When  asked  if  the  Shanghai  crowed 
all  the  time,  the  invalid  replied:  "  He  doesn't  crow  all  the  time, — perhaps 
he  doesn't  crow  very  often ;  but  I  never  know  when  he  will  crow,  and  I  am 
always  afraid  he  is  going  to." 

If  by  accident,  you  make  a  friendly  call  on  a  family,  and  find  a  company 
already  gathered,  remain  a  few  moments,  without  embarrassment,  and  then 
take  your  leave,  unless  urgently  invited  to  remain.  A  simple  invitation 
ought  not  to  be  accepted,  unless  urged  so  strongly  that  it  is  clear  your  pres- 
ence is  really  desired.  No  apology  for  your  unintentional  intrusion  is  nec- 
essary at  the  time,  but  take  pains  within  a  few  days,  or  at  next  meeting,  to 
say  that  your  call  was  made  without  any  knowledge  that  such  company  was 
present. 

In  calling,  a  gentleman  does  not  wait  for  an  invitation  to  be  seated,  but 
takes  a  convenient  but  not  prominent  seat,  within  easy  talking  range  of  the 
ladies  on  whom  he  calls.  He  must  hold  his  hat  as  gracefully  as  possible,  or 
deposit  it  on  the  floor  near  his  chair. 

It  is  not  polite  to  take  a  stranger  with  you,  even  to  the  house  of  an  inti- 
mate friend,  without  first  obtaining  permission  to  do  so. 

Gentlemen  may  call  on  married  ladies  at  their  own  houses,  witb,  of 
course,  the  full  knowledge  and  consent  of  their  husbands. 


82  THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN, 

A  gentleman  should  simply  carry  his  cards  in  his  pocket.  The  use  of  a 
card-case  would  give  him  the  air  of  a  fop. 

In  calling  upon  a  sick  friend,  it  is  not  enough  to  make  your  inquiries  of 
the  servant  and  leave  your  card ;  you  must  send  in  your  card  and  wait  until 
you  receive  the  latest  news  of  your  friend's  condition. 

The  significance  of  the  various  customs  of  "cornering"  and  turning  down 
cards,  so  far  as  relates  to  gentlemen,  is  easily  borne  in  mind.  It  does  not 
signify  whether  the  left  or  right  end  be  turned.  If  the  card  contains  the 
name  of  husband  and  wife,  the  surname  is  left  exposed  by  turning  down 
the  left  end.  The  turning  simply  means  that  the  card  was  left  in  person. 
Not  to  turn  it  would  subject  one  to  the  suspicion  of  having  sent  it  by  a  mes- 
senger. All  cards  left  in  person,  except  those  left  on  reception  days,  (when 
the  call  is  always  made  in  person)  should  be  turned  down  at  one  end  or  at 
the  corner.  A  card  is  left  on  reception  day  to  refresh  the  memory  of  the 
hostess.  To  indicate  that  a  call  has  been  made  on  all  members  of  the 
family,  the  card  for  the  lady  of  the  house  is  folded  across  the  middle.  No 
separate  card  should  be  left  for  a  guest  on  reception  days. 

The  card  containing  the  name  of  the  husband  and  wife  (or  single  cards 
without  the  reception  day,)  should  be  used  in  leaving  cards  of  condolence, 
(it  being  manifestly  improper  to  name  a  reception  day  on  such  a  card,)  and 
in  making  formal  calls  after  entertainments,  when  it  is  not  important 
that  the  reception  day  of  the  wife  should  appear.  When  it  is  desirable  to 
name  the  reception  day,  separate  cards  may  be  used,  the  day  appearing  of 
course  upon  the  wife's. 

The  street  and  number  of  the  residence  should  appear  on  the  card  of 
the  husband,  rather  than  on  that  of  the  wife.  When  the  mother  is  not  liv- 
ing, the  father's  card  is  left  with  that  of  the  daughter,  and  when  invitations 
are  given,  his  name  appears  with  her's  on  the  card. 

A  gentleman,  invited  by  a  lady  to  call  on  her,  must  not  neglect  to  pay  her 
his  respects  within  a  week.  To  fail  to  do  this  is  a  great  discourtesy,  but  a 
card  left  at  her  door,  in  person,  may  do  duty  for  him,  and  he  is  not  obliged 
to  repeat  the  call. 

When  a  gentleman  has  called  and  not  found  a  lady  at  home,  it  is  the  part 
of  the  lady,  on  their  meeting  again,  to  express  regret  at  not  having  been  at 


THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN.  83 

home  to  receive  him,  and  he,  of  course,  joins  her  in  this  regret.  It  is  an 
awkward  confession  and  not  complimentary  to  the  lady  to  say,  "it  was  of 
no  consequence;"  or,  "it  made  no  difference,  I  assure  you,"  though  either 
may  be  very  near  the  truth. 

If  in  making  a  call  you  are  met  at  the  door  with  the  information  that  the 
parties  are  "engaged"  or  "not  at  home"  (which  means  the  same  thing  in 
most  cases,)  it  is  impolite  to  urge  admittance.  You  must  acquiesce  in  the 
arrangement  which  all  have  a  right  to  make  to  protect  themselves  from 
interruption.  No  matter  what  your  intimacy  may  be,  if  no  exception  has 
been  made  in  your  favor,  you  can  claim  no  right  that  would  not  be  granted 
to  a  mere  acquaintance.  Solitude  is  as  necessary  as  society,  and  no  degree 
of  friendship  is  an  excuse  for  an  intrusion,  when  people  choose  to  be  alone. 

Neither  children  nor  dogs  are  taken  out  when  making  formal  calls.  Two, 
and  never  more  than  three  persons,  out  of  one  family,  may  make  calls 
together.  Gentlemen  wear  the  usual  morning  dress — a  black  frock  coat, 
dark  pantaloons,  a  black  silk  tie,  and  a  neutral  shade  of  gloves.  In  warm 
weather,  light  trousers,  colored  neck-tie,  and  a  white  vest  may  be  worn.  At 
the  summer  resorts,  calls  may  be  made  in  suits  of  rough  cloth,  which  are  so 
suitable  to  the  place  and  season. 

If  the  gentleman  of  the  house  is  present  during  a  call  made  by  ladies  on 
the  ladies  of  his  family,  he  should  escort  the  callers  to  the  hall  door,  and  to 
the  carriage ;  but  if  the  weather  be  cold  or  unpleasant,  no  well-bred  lady  will 
permit  him  to  go  further  than  the  door,  nor  should  he  insist  on  the  service 
against  her  expressed  wishes. 

When  the  family  of  a  new  comer  makes  its  appearance  in  a  neighborhood, 
a  gentleman  is  not  permitted  to  call  on  the  ladies  of  the  family  without  an 
introduction.  A  relative  or  a  lady  friend  may,  however,  leave  his  card,  and 
the  ladies  who  receive  it  may  send  a  verbal  or  written  invitation  to  pay  his 
respects.  He  may  then  call  with  a  common  friend,  or  send  in  his  card  to 
announce  his  call,  which  of  itself  is  a  sufficient  introduction.  The  sending 
of  his  card  is  his  request  for  an  acquaintance,  and  it  rests  with  the  ladies  to 
give  it  a  favorable  reception,  and  send  the  invitation  or  to  pass  it  by  with- 
out notice.  If  his  advances  are  not  met  the  gentlemen  has  no  reasonable 
ground  for  offense.  The  conditions  of  the  family  are  not  known  to  him 


84  THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN. 

and  it  is  more  than  possible  that  some  unhappy  circumstances  compels  the 
reserve,  and  the  refusal  of  his  proffered  friendship  is  far  less  awkward  and 
unpleasant,  than  the  necessity  of  a  face  to  face  refusal  of  a  verbal  request. 
The  style  and  size  of  cards  vary  with  the  season,  but  the  quality  never 
varies ;  that  must  be  the  best.  Glazed  cards  are  long  since  out  of  fashion, 
and  those  only  of  a  fine,  lusterless  surface  are  used.  It  is  only  of  late  years 
that  accepted  styles  of  stationery  originated  in  this  country,  everything 
being  imported  from  London  or  Paris,  but  the  American  manufacturers  now 
rely  only  on  Europe  for  the  finest  qualities  of  paper,  employing  accomplished 
artists  who  watch  the  tendency  of  fashion,  and  adapt  their  designs  to  the 
fancy  of  the  hour.  The  seasons,  of  late,  have  shown  a  longing  after  the 
unconventional  in  everything.  Simplicity  and  quiet  artistic  effects  are 
sought  after,  and  simpler  social  forms  are  taking  the  place  of  the  stately  and 
formal  style  which  once  was  universally  in  vogue.  Gilt  edges  and  round 
corners  are  wholly  abjured  and  even  abominated,  and  anything  odd  or  fan- 
ciful is  condemned  as  "not  in  good  form."  Cards  for  the  husband  and  wife 
are  fine  ivory  white,  in  form  as  follows : 


MR.   &  MRS.   GEORGE  HOLT. 


14  NlCOLLET  AVE. 


It  is  easy  to  learn  the  fashionable  style  and  shape,  by  application  to  an 
intelligent  stationer,  and  every  autumn  this  information  should  be  sought, 
because  it  is  easier  in  such  trivial  matters  of  form,  to  avoid  a  waste  of  time 
and  thought,  by  following  at  once  in  the  lead  of  some  good  authority. 

The  most  fashionable  form  for  a  gentleman's  card  is  "  Mr.  George  Holt," 
the  size  being  comparatively  small,  three  and  a  quarter  by  one  and  five- 
eight  inches,  or  even  a  little  under. 


THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN.  85 

The  address  should  appear  in  the  lower  right  hand  corner,  unless  the  name 
of  a  club  appears  there,  in  which  case  it  is  assigned  to  the  lower  left  hand 
corner. 


MR.   GEORGE  HOLT. 


27  EAST  TWENTIETH  STREET. 


To  many  people  it  still  seems  somewhat  affected  to  prefix  the  term  "  Mr." 
to  a  gentleman's  card.  The  custom  is  borrowed  from  the  English,  and 
rightly  understood,  instead  of  being  snobbish  affectation  is  the  modest  an- 
nouncement of  a  gentleman  that  he  is  plain  "Mister,"  and  possessor  of 
neither  hereditary  nor  honorary  titles.  The  card  without  the  "Mr."  will 
very  soon  convey  the  impression  that  it  belongs  either  to  a  gentleman  of 
title  and  fame,  or  to  a  "  fellow."  This  usage  is  now  being  so  generally  rec- 
ognized as  proper,  in  this  country,  that  it  is  better  to  employ  "Mr."  with 
the  risk  of  being  thought  affected  than  to  omit  it  with  the  certainty,  soon, 
of  being  suspected  of  vulgarity.  This  applies,  of  course,  wholly  to  engraved 
cards.  Written  or  fac  simile  cards,  (except  by  a  professional  writer)  omit 
the  "  Mr."  and  are  not  considered  in  the  best  taste.  If  a  gentleman  writes 
a  poor  hand  the  card  looks  shiftless,  and  if  he  writes  a  handsome  hand  it 
may  be  inferred  that  he  is  proud  of  his  autograph. 

Simple  and  apparently  trivial  as  many  of  these  nice  distinctions  appear, 
they  are  to  cultivated  people,  so  many  evidences  of  that  painstaking,  alert, 
self-contained  habit  of  living  that  distinguishes  the  gentleman  and  man  of 
the  world  from  the  dullard  and  the  boor;  and  their  observance  is  a  deli- 
cate compliment,  because  it  means  that  your  friend  has  so  profound  a  re- 
gard for  you  and  your  good  opinion,  that  he  is  unwilling  to  neglect  eve&  the 
slightest  mark  of  respect  and  decorum  in  his  intercourse  with  you  and  yours. 


86  THE  VISITING  CUSTOMS  OF  GENTLEMEN. 

In  the  best  society,  his  care  is  understood  and  appreciated ;  in  less  cultivated 
circles,  his  quick  perceptions,  and  the  knowledge  of  local  customs  which  he 
will  be  certain  to  gain,  will  tell  him  what  to  omit  and  what  to  observe. 

In  calling,  it  is  always  proper  for  gentlemen  to  leave  cards  for  aged  gen- 
tlemen or  ladies,  or  for  clergymen  and  eminent  persons,  even  when  it  is 
understood  that  they  are  unable  or  too  much  occupied  to  receive  calls.  The 
card  is  a  token  of  respectful  regard,  and  the  custom,  so  far  as  it  relates  to 
those  in  the  afternoon  of  life,  is  significant  of  the  gentlest  culture.  A 
thoughtful  courtesy  and  tender  consideration  for  age,  make  the  last  days  of 
life  beautiful  with  respectful  remembrance,  and  are  evidence  of  highest  and 
noblest  breeding. 


LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CAEDS. 


"  Blessed  we  sometimes  are !  and  I  am  now 
Happy  in  quiet  feelings,  for  the  tones 
Of  a  most  pleasant  company  of  friends 
Were  in  my  ear  but  now,  and  gentle  thoughts 
From  spirits  whose  high  character  I  know; 
And  I  retain  their  influence,  as  the  air 
Retains  the  softness  of  departed  day." 

To  THE  American  gentleman,  in  whose  restless  and  busy  life  there  is,  in 
theory,  at  least,  room  for  little  else  than  work,  much  negligence  in  trivial 
matters  may  be  forgiven.  This  is  especially  true  of  those  who  have  risen 
from  the  humbler  walks  of  life  to  such  a  distinction  that  they  are  suddenly 
ushered  into  a  social  world  which  to  them  is  a  terra  incognita.  To  such,  a 
kindly  heart,  a  generous  and  helpful  nature,  and  the  absence  of  show  and 
pretense,  stand  in  good  stead,  and  the  shining  qualities  that  gained  them 
distinction,  obscure  the  trivial  faults  of  manner  that  would  otherwise  offend. 
But  this  license  is  not  extended  to  ladies.  Good  taste,  a  sense  of  harmony, 
a  subtle  intuition  which  enables  them  to  make  nice  distinctions  on  the 
instant,  and  to  act  the  right  thing  and  say  the  right  word  at  the  right  mo- 
ment, are  the  special  gifts  of  the  sex,  in  which  their  coarser  brothers  only 
obtain  a  share  through  the  more  circuitous  route  of  reflection.  The  bent  of 
nature,  and  early  training,  combine  to  teach  ladies  attention  to  details  and 
develop  a  quick  perception  of  the  nice  shades  of  conduct  that  constitute  the 
polish  of  good  society.  For  these  reasons,  society  is  more  exacting  in  its 


88  LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

demands  upon  woman,  and  a  neglect  of  formalities,  which  would  be  par- 
doned in  a  man,  is  not  readily  overlooked  if  the  fault  of  a  careless  or  ill-bred 
sister. 

Ladies  are  expected  to  be  observant  of  the  apparently  trivial  points  of  eti- 
quette, and  it  saves  them  time  and  trouble  to  ascertain  what  is  the  accepted 
custom,  and  follow  after  a  leader  whose  taste  and  refinement  are  recognized. 
It  is  Emerson  who  recalls  the  lady  who  said  that  the  consciousness  of  being 
well-dressed  gave  her  a  serene  satisfaction  that  religion  was  powerless  to 
bestow,  and  there  is  something  akin  to  this  feeling  in  the  certain  knowledge 
that  one's  conduct  is  absolutely  faultless,  when  measured  by  accepted  stand- 
ards. Relieved  from  all  anxiety  regarding  trifles,  one  easily  excels  in  that 
bright  interchange  of  ideas  which  so  enlivens  and  brightens  even  a  formal 
visit.  The  well-bred  lady  is  careful  that  her  visiting  card,  in  its  size,  texture, 
and  style,  conforms  to  the  fashion  of  the  season,  and  that  the  manner  and 
the  hour  of  leaving  it  are  proper.  Good  taste  never  touches  extremes,  and 
the  card  of  the  well-bred  lady  will  be  neither  too  large  nor  too  small ;  its 
quality  and  texture  will  be  unexceptionable,  and  the  name  will  appear  en- 
graved in  plain,  medium-sized  script,  clear,  without  flourish,  and  the  prefix 
of  "  Mrs."  or  "  Miss"  in  every  case,  except  when  the  lady  herself  has  earned 
a  title.  The  husband's  title,  whether  political,  professional,  religious, 
military,  or  naval,  should  never  appear  upon  the  card  of  the  wife.  She  is  to 
be  honored  for  her  own,  not  for  his  sake,  and  must  never  borrow  his  plumes. 
Others  may  clothe  her  with  her  husband's  honors  by  prefixing  his  title  to 
her  name,  but  it  is  in  bad  taste,  and  in  the  face  of  all  rules  of  etiquette,  if 
she  assumes  it  herself.  There  is  another  very  clear  reason  why  the  lady's 
card  should  bear  no  title.  The  lady  is  permitted  to  leave  her  husband's  card 
with  her  own  in  all  cases  where  her's  is  required,  and  in  many  cases  the 
leaving  of  his  card  is  strictly  enjoined,  and  whenever  that  may  properly 
bear  his  title,  her  pride  of  place  has  full  indulgence.  Ladies  who  have  a 
professional  title  which  would  properly  appear  on  the  card  of  a  gentleman, 
may  use  it  under  the  same  rules.  The  size  and  style  vary  with  the  varying 
seasons,  but  on  the  form,  quality  and  style,  the  most  delicate  taste  is  never 
wasted.  If  the  lady  has  a  reception  day,  it  appears  in  the  lower  left  hand 
corner,  viz: 


LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 


MRS.   HORACE  BROOKS. 


THURSDAYS. 


An  unmarried  lady's  card  is  usually  somewhat  smaller.  In  some  cities, 
the  address  also  appears  on  a  married  lady's  card,  in  the  lower  right  hand 
corner,  but  the  street  and  number  seldom  appear  on  that  of  a  young  lady, 
that  form  being  appropriated  by  the  demi  monde.  It  is,  therefore,  in  better 
form  to  write  the  address,  when  it  is  necessary  that  it  should  appear  on  the 
card  of  the  wife  or  young  lady.  As  the  husband's  card,  which  always  bears 
the  address,  may  be  left  on  all  occasions,  and  is  imperatively  required  on 
most,  there  is  seldom  any  need  that  it  should  appear  on  that  of  the  wife. 
During  the  daughter's  first  season,  her  name  is  engraved  under  that  of  her 
mother,  and  afterwards,  if  she  chooses.  The  form  is : 


MRS.  HORACE  BROOKS. 
MISS  BROOKS. 


THURSDAYS. 


If  there  are  two  daughters,  the  names  of  both  may  appear  as  "  Misses 
Brooks."  The  card  bearing  the  name  of  the  wife  with  that  of  the  husband 
is  less  used  than  formerly,  except  just  after  marriage.  It  is  still  regarded  in 
good  form,  though  its  use  is  less  frequent,  as  the  wife's  card  commonly  bears 


90  LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

her  reception  day.  On  all  occasions  where  it  is  not  proper  or  desirable  to 
name  the  reception  day,  it  should  be  used,  as  it  lessens  the  number  of  cards. 

In  America  it  is  the  rule  for  residents  to  call  first  upon  strangers,  though 
this  is  contrary  to  the  usages  of  polite  society  abroad.  The  custom  was 
long  since  adopted,  and  has  been  sanctioned  by  generations  of  our  best 
society,  and  whatever  unpleasant  features  there  may  be  about  it,  the  pleas- 
ant and  kindly  ones  predominate.  The  sensitive  stranger  is  unwilling  to 
intrude  on  circles  which  already  seem  to  be  complete,  combining  all  the 
varieties  of  people  necessary  to  make  social  contact  agreeable,  and  he  is  the 
gainer  if  he  waits  to  be  sought,  and  enters  its  charmed  precincts  as  an  invited 
guest  rather  than  an  eager  intruder. 

When  a  letter  of  introduction  is  brought,  the  way  into  society  is  easily 
open  through  the  medium  of  new  found  friends ;  but  hospitable  residents 
are  wanting  in  courtesy  if  they  do  not  call  upon  strangers  who  come  to 
reside  in  their  midst,  bearing  the  credentials,  or  even  the  outward  appear- 
ance of  respectability,  as  soon  as  they  have  had  time  to  adjust  themselves 
in  their  new  position.  No  introduction  is  necessary ;  a  resident  lady  calls, 
observing  the  formal  visiting  hours  of  the  locality,  sends  in  her  card  with 
that  of  her  husband,  or  father  and  brother,  and  if  the  stranger  is  receiving, 
a  brief  and  cordial  interview  follows.  This  must  be  returned  within  a  week, 
or  a  note  of  apology  sent,  explaining  the  failure,  after  which  the  call  may 
be  made  later.  If  a  card  be  sent  in  return  for  this  welcome  to  the  neighbor- 
hood, or  if  it  be  left  in  person  without  any  inquiry  whether  the  ladies  are 
receiving,  it  is  a  polite  recognition  of  the  kindly  spirit  which  prompts  the 
offer  of  friendliness,  but  a  notice  that  the  strangers  prefer  solitude,  or  have 
a  reason  for  not  receiving  visitors.  No  stranger  is  permitted  to  make  over- 
tures for  acquaintance  to  older  residents,  and  any  such  advances  would  be 
set  down  as  ill-bred  and  forward. 

After  a  personal  introduction  between  residents,  it  is  the  privilege  of  the 
lady  who  has  resided  longest  to  make  a  call,  and  this  must  he  returned 
within  a  week,  unless  the  first  caller  has  named  a  visiting  day.  or  one  appears 
engraved  upon  her  card,  when  that  should  be  the  day  of  the  call ;  or,  in  case 
of  failure,  a  note  of  explanation  must  be  sent.  Further  visiting 
depends  on  mutual  convenience,  but  this  degree  of  acquaintance  makes 


LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CARDS.  91 

casual  meetings  in  society,  and  in  the  drawing  rooms  of  common  friends, 
easier  and  more  agreeable,  and  the  civility  costs  little. 

On  changing  her  residence,  a  lady  must  leave  cards  bearing  her  new 
address,  without  seeking  to  enter,  on  all  to  whom  she  is  indebted  for  a  visit ; 
to  those  upon  whom  she  made  the  last  call,  the  cards  may  be  sent  by  post. 
In  the  case  of  merely  formal  acquaintance,  at  least,  it  would  be  ungenerous 
to  bring  them  into  her  debt  by  an  actual  call,  when  her  new  residence  may 
be  out  of  the  visiting  range  of  many,  and  when,  for  this  and  other  reasons, 
they  might  not  care  to  continue  the  ceremonious  visits. 

When  a  lady  leaves  town  for  the  summer,  or  to  go  abroad,  she  takes  her 
leave  of  such  friends  as  are  accidentally  met ;  to  all  others  she  sends,  by 
post,  her  own  and  her  family's  P.  P.  C.  cards,  with  their  future  temporary 
address.  The  letters,  which  stand  for  "Pourprendre  conge"  (to  take  leave), 
should  appear  at  the  lower  right  hand  corner,  and  the  best  usage  is  in  favor 
of  capitals,  following  the  rules  in  such  abbreviations  as  P.  M.  and  A.  M. 
where  capitals  are  allowed,  though  manifestly  their  use  would  not  be  cor- 
rect if  the  words  were  fully  expressed.  "P.  p.  c."  has  an  ungraceful,  kan- 
garoo-like appearance,  and  "p.  p.  c."  has  still  less  authority  in  its  favor. 
On  her  return,  at  the  end  of  the  season,  she  sends  out  her  cards,  with  or 
without  her  reception  day  upon  them.  The  visiting  list,  which  shows  to 
whom  she  is  indebted,  decides  where  she  shall  make  first  calls 

The  young  lady  who  is  about  to  be  married,  leaves  her  own  card,  with 
that  of  her  mother  or  chaperon,  in  person,  about  three  weeks  before  the 
event,  but  does  not  enter,  except,  perhaps,  to  call  on  an  invalid  or  an  aged 
lady.  The  two  names  should  not  appear  on  the  same  card,  a.*  was  per- 
mitted before.  The  young  lady  is  now  about  to  become  the  central  figure 
of  a  new  home,  and  she  leaves  her  card,  with  her  own  name  and  her  inde- 
pendent address,  for  each  lady  member  of  the  family  she  honors,  as  an  inti- 
mation of  the  welcome  which,  in  the  near  future,  will  await  them  wrhen 
she  becomes  the  dispenser  of  courtesies  in  her  new  home. 

If  death  comes  to  the  house  of  a  friend,  a  card  with  a  boquet  of  cut 
flowers,  is  sent  in,  not  to  be  used  in  a  funeral  parade,  but  as  a  token  of  per- 
sonal appreciation  and  sympathy.  Any  appropriate  sentiment  may  be 
written  on  the  card.  It  is  a  pleasant  but  not  an  imperative  custom  to  send 


92  LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

flowers  and  a  card  on  the  occasion  of  a  birth,  a  quiet  wedding,  the  beginning 
of  life  in  a  new  residence,  or  any  happy  event  in  the  life  of  friends.  After  a 
death,  formal  acquaintances  should  send  a  card  only,  without  any  inscrip- 
tion, and  better  without  flowers.  A  stranger,  even,  may  appropriately 
express  sympathy  by  leaving  a  card.  But  the  cards  must  be  left  in  person, 
or,  at  least,  be  sent  by  a  special  messenger,  to  be  a  proper  recognition  of  the 
sorrow  that  has  fallen  upon  the  home.  To  such  cards  no  reply  is  necessary ; 
they  simply  express  sympathy  with  grief  in  the  most  delicate  possible  way. 

In  entering  a  reception,  cards  are  left  in  the  hall.  The  old  fashion  of  an- 
nouncing names  is  not  now  observed,  and  the  use  of  the  cards  is  to  help  the 
entertainer  to  arrange  her  list  without  the  prodigious  tax  upon  the  memory, 
which  would  result  in  the  case  of  those  who  entertain  largely. 

If  a  chaperon,  other  than  the  mother,  introduces  young  ladies  into  so- 
ciety, her  visiting  card  and  theirs  are  left  together,  to  indicate  their  relations, 
and  to  give  notice  to  those  who  entertain,  that  they  are  inseparable  for  the 
season. 

The  mother,  whose  son  is  ready  to  enter  society,  leaves  his  card  with  her 
husband's  and  her  own,  to  indicate  that  he  is  ready  to  be  ushered  into  the 
charmed  circle  of  society,  in  which  the  older  members  of  the  family  move, 
and  those  who  extend  hospitalities  to  the  family  will  be  careful  thereafter 
to  include  him  also. 

Within  a  week  after  any  entertainment,  the  cards  of  every  member  of  a 
family  who  has  been  invited,  whether  present  or  not,  must  be  left  upon  the 
hostess,  and  also  upon  any  guest,  in  honor  of  whom  the  entertainment  may 
have  been  given.  One  lady  member  of  the  family  may  perform  this  duty 
for  all  the  rest,  as,  in  a  gay  season,  it  is  necessary  to  divide  the  labor  entailed 
by  this  observance  of  the  formality,  which,  though  as  necessary  as  any  part 
of  ceremonious  visiting,  might  be  much  more  easily  performed,  if  custom 
permitted,  by  sending  cards  by  post,  without  losing  an  iota  of  its  signifi- 
cance. A  gentleman  member  of  the  family  cannot  perform  this  service,  and 
the  lady  must  remember  that  no  lady's  card  is  ever  left  for  a  gentleman,  but 
that  the  cards  of  husband,  father,  or  brother  must  be  left  for  host  as  well  as 
hostess,  and  for  every  guest,  gentlemen  or  ladies.  The  only  occasion  when 
a  gentleman  may  leave  her  card  for  a  lady,  is  when  it  is  left  upon  a  bereaved 
friend. 


LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS.  93 

In  case  an  invitation  to  an  entertainment  has  been  once  accepted,  and  it 
becomes  necessary  afterwards  to  decline  it,  a  card  should  be  sent  by  mes- 
senger on  the  evening  of  the  festivity,  following  with  a  note  of  explanation 
the  next  day,  when  the  hostess  will  be  more  at  leisure  to  consider  it. 

The  borders  to  mourning  cards  are  from  an  eighth  of  an  inch  to  three- 
eighths  of  an  inch  wide,  according  to  the  taste  of  the  afflicted  or  the  extent  of 
the  bereavement,  and  for  the  same  reason  the  time  of  their  use  varies  from 
a  few  months  to  two  years. 

In  calling  upon  guests  at  a  house,  when  the  host  and  hostess  are  not 
known,  cards  must  be  left  for  them  also.  It  is  not  well-bred  to  make  use  of 
a  private  house  with  the  freedom  that  would  be  proper  at  a  hotel. 

When  a  first  invitation  is  extended,  and  no  reply  is  given  except  a  merely 
formal  note  of  regret,  the  invitation  is  not  to  be  repeated.  It  is  a  mark  of  good 
breeding  to  cordially  accept  a  first  invitation  and  to  allow  nothing  within 
possible  control,  to  prevent  going.  When  attendance  is  really  impossible, 
an  informal  note  should  explain  the  reasons  so  fully  as  to  leave  no  doubt  as 
to  your  appreciation  of  the  courtesy. 

In  the  country  and  at  watering  places,  those  first  on  the  ground  call  upon 
those  who  arrive  later.  At  summer  resorts,  owners  of  cottages  call  first 
upon  renters ;  those  who  rent  call  upon  each  other  according  to  priority  of 
arrival.  Both  those  owning  and  those  renting  call  first  upon  friends  at 
hotels.  The  exception  to  these  rules  is  when  there  is  great  difference  in  age, 
and  a  previous  calling  acquaintance,  when  the  younger  calls  first  upon  the 
elder.  In  the  case  of  persons  occupying  villas,  arriving  from  different  cities 
at  the  same  time,  the  lady  from  the  nearest  city  makes  the  first  calls, 
provided  both  are  occupying  their  villas  for  the  first  time.  Otherwise,  the 
one  who  has  had  the  longest  residence  calls  first.  If  the  occupants  of  two 
villas,  who  have  arrived  at  the  same  season,  meet  at  the  residence  of  a 
friend,  the  elder  may  invite  the  younger  to  call,  and  the  invitation  must  be 
accepted,  and  the  less  delay  the  greater  the  civility. 

In  England,  the  lady  highest  in  rank  makes  the  first  call.  Here,  a  decided 
difference  in  age  gives  precedence,  but  the  older  may  make  the  advances  by 
inviting  the  younger  to  call  upon  her,  or  by  sending  her  an  invitation  to 
some  entertainment.  The  invitation  to  call,  or  to  any  festivity,  is  a  .civility 
more  complimentary  than  a  call. 


94  LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

The  rule  that  "  cards  must  be  left  at  a  house  the  day  after,  or  at  least 
within  a  week  after  any  entertainment  to  which  the  person  leaving  cards 
has  been  invited,  whether  she  has  been  able  to  accept  the  invitation  or  not," 
is  absolute.  The  kind  feeling  which  prompts  any  unusual  attention  is  thus 
recognized  and  the  debt  acknowledged,  and  in  a  slight  degree,  at  least,  paid. 
If  the  custom  is  neglected,  the  one  who  has  extended  the  invitation  has  no 
means  of  knowing  whether  the  rudeness  is  due  to  ignorance,  or  indifference 
to  herself  and  her  offer  of  hospitality. 

When  a  lady  names  a  certain  day  in  the  week  as  a  reception  day,  it  is 
not  allowed  to  leave  a  card  on  that  day  without  entering,  or  to  call  on  any 
other  day,  as  either  would  plainly  mean  that  you  did  not  wish  to  see  her. 

Persons  living  in  the  same  neighborhood  ought  to  agree  upon  some  day 
for  receiving,  for  the  convenience  of  callers.  In  eastern  cities  it  is  the  cus- 
tom to  adopt  the  day  named  by  the  oldest  resident,  but  it  is  easy  to  fix  it  by 
consultation.  The  appointment  of  a  certain  day  for  receiving  is  only  neces- 
sary and  justifiable,  when  the  circle  of  acquaintance  is  large,  and  the  pres- 
sure of  important  duties  makes  it  necessary  to  husband  time.  It  is  easy  to 
see  how  the  selection  of  different  days,  by  ladies  of  the  same  neighborhood, 
would  make  it  exceedingly  inconvenient  for  callers,  an  inconvenience  that  is 
obviated  by  an  agreement  to  receive  upon  the  same  day.  After  a  lady  has 
called  on  a  regular  reception  day,  she  is  at  liberty  to  call  the  following  sea- 
son, on  the  same  day,  provided  she  has  received  no  notice  by  card  or  other- 
wise, of  a  change  in  the  day.  A  resident,  making  a  first  call,  does  not  call 
on  a  reception  day  unless  she  has  been  invited  to  do  so. 

It  is  impolite  to  leave  cards  on  equals  or  on  elderly  ladies,  without 
inquiring  if  they  are  receiving,  as  it  would  be  thought  wanting  in  respect. 
Elderly  ladies,  and  invalids  who  have  no  daughters  to  make  calls  for  them, 
those  who  have  long  visiting  lists,  and  those  whose  occupations  are  so  press- 
ing that  they  have  little  leisure  for  simply  formal  visiting,  can  plead  neces- 
sity, but  it  is  not  a  safe  practice  for  younger  ladies  who  cannot  make  the 
same  plea,  as  many  take  offense  at  finding  that  cards  have  been  left  without 
an  inquiry  as  to  whether  they  were  receiving.  The  fact,  however,  that  many 
ladies,  in  practice,  are  "  at  home  "  to  friends,  but  "  engaged  "  to  merely  for- 
mal callers,  because  they  know  that  the  convenience  of  many  of  these  is  best 


LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS.  95 

served  by  not  being  admitted,  is  bringing  ladies  to  look  with  more  lenience 
on  the  custom  of  leaving  cards  without  attempting  to  gain  entry,  and  this 
time-saving  innovation,  which  seems,  and  is,  of  course,  a  farce  to  those  who 
have  only  small  visiting  lists,  is  fully  appreciated  by  those  who  have  sev- 
eral hundred  families  in  their  circle  and  who  like  to  entertain  frequently, 
because  it  enables  them  to  keep  up  a  large  ceremonious  acquaintance  with- 
out too  great  demands  upon  time. 

A  call  of  condolence  is  made  within  ten  days  after  the  bereavement,  if  on 
intimate  terms  with  the  family,  or  within  a  month  if  only  a  formal  acquaint- 
ance. If  admitted,  callers  must  make  no  allusion  to  the  event  unless  it  is 
first  mentioned  by  the  bereaved.  Silence  is  a  delicate  consideration  for 
their  grief,  unless,  by  their  expressed  wish,  the  subject  is  made  a  topic  of 
conversation.  An  agonizing  re-opening  of  wounds,  by  the  visits  of  well- 
meaning  friends,  is  simply  torture  to  many  sensitive  people,  and  a  refined 
and  delicate  sympathy  forbids  all  reference  to  a  recent  loss,  as  it  long  ago 
forbade  the  old-fashioned,  painful  letters  of  condolence,  because  they  served 
to  keep  open  wounds  which  time  and  silence  alone  can  heal.  Mere  ac- 
quaintances, who  make  calls  of  condolence,  are  not  at  liberty  to  repeat  them 
until  they  have  been  returned  by  mourning  cards,  but  this  is  only  a 
ceremonious  observance,  to  secure  privacy  to  those  in  affliction,  and  does  not 
apply  to  friends  whose  visits  are  continued  as  usual.  When  ready  to  receive 
calls  of  acquaintances,  the  family  send  "mourning  cards,"  enclosed  in  an 
envelope,  by  messenger,  to  all  who  have  left  cards  since  the  occurrence  of 
the  death.  The  messenger  may  be  instructed  to  remove  the  card  before 
delivery.  The  call  after  entertainments,  for  which  invitations  have  been 
received  and  regrets  sent,  is  made  in  the  same  manner  by  those  in  mourn- 
ing. 

A  congratulatory  call  may  be  made  by  note,  except  in  the  case  of  newly 
married  persons,  but  cards  of  congratulation  must  be  left  in  person.  It  is 
not  respectful,  even  for  gentlemen,  to  send  them  by  messenger  or  through 
the  post. 

After  a  marriage,  calls  of  congratulation  must  be  made  in  person  by  those 
invited,  upon  the  newly  married  and  the  parents  who  gave  the  invitation. 
If  there  was  a  reception  after  the  marriage,  and  you  did  not  attend  it,  but 
sent  your  card,  delivered  by  some  member  of  your  family,  to  represent  you , 


96  LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

no  further  call  is  necessary  until  the  bride  and  groom  send  their  cards, 
announcing  their  new  residence.  Calls  of  congratulation  are  also  made 
after  a  formal  announcement  of  a  betrothal.  A  call  of  congratulation  after 
a  birth  is  made  by  acquaintances  one  month  after  a  birth-day ;  friends  call 
sooner,  but  even  the  most  intimate  should  have  regard  for  the  health  and 
condition  of  the  mother,  and  not  make  their  visits  too  early. 

The  call  after  an  entertainment  of  any  kind  ought  to  be  made  within 
three  days,  if  it  is  a  first  invitation.  Ladies  who  do  not  wish  to  be  admit- 
ted, in  making  calls  after  an  entertainment,  should  call  within  the  first 
three  days,  as  the  hostess  does  not  receive  during  that  time,  unless  the  reg- 
ular reception  day  intervenes,  or  she  has  a  guest  with  her.  Friends  who 
wish  to  be  admitted,  for  this  reason,  delay  making  the  call  until  the  first 
three  days  are  past. 

A  lady  who  has  no  day  should  receive  calls  at  any  time,  within  calling 
hours.  If  occupied,  the  servant  is  instructed  to  say  she  is  engaged  as  soon 
as  the  inquiry  is  made  whether  she  is  receiving,  but  if  by  accident  a  visitor 
is  admitted,  she  must  be  received  at  any  inconvenience,  or  a  sufficient 
explanation  sent  why  none  of  the  family  are  able  to  appear.  Nothing  is 
ruder  than  to  send  out  a  visitor  who  has  once  been  admitted,  with  no  reason 
except  the  simple  statement  that  you  are  engaged. 

No  well-bred  lady  will  keep  a  visitor  waiting.  If  a  delay  of  even  a  few 
moments  is  necessary,  the  servant  should  be  sent  to  make  inquiry  whether 
such  a  delay  will  be  an  inconvenience.  In  every  case  the  servant  should 
return  to  the  drawing  room  to  say  when  the  lady  will  appear. 

In  receiving,  if  you  do  not  readily  recall  the  name  of  a  visitor,  it  is  better 
to  say  so  at  once  frankly.  It  saves  embarrassment  to  both,  and.  any  sensi- 
ble person  will  prefer  to  give  his  name  and  mention  some  circumstance  that 
will  recall  his  identity,  rather  than  stumble  through  an  interview  on  uncer- 
tain ground.  A  quick  memory  of  names  and  faces  is  one  of  the  marks  of 
good  breeding,  but  the  pretense  of  remembering  people  who  have  been  for- 
gotten, nearly  always  ends  in  blunders  far  more  awkward  than  a  prompt 
and  frank  explanation. 

If  a  friend  calls,  and  your  parlor  is  already  occupied  by  visitors  who  have 
asked  for  your  guests,  but  have  neglected  to  ask  also  for  you,  you  are  not  to 


LADIES  CALLS  AND  CARDS.  97 

receive  the  friend  in  another  room,  but  in  the  drawing-room.  It  is  the  duty 
of  the  guest  to  guard  against  any  rudeness  towards  her  hostess,  on  the  part 
of  her  own  visitors,  and  it  is  also  the  duty  of  the  hostess  to  share  with  the 
guest  the  attentions  of  her  own  friends. 

It  often  happens  that  sons  and  daughters  are  invited  without  parents. 
Parents  leave  or  send  their  cards  in  acknowledgement  of  such  a  courtesy, 
but  are  not  required  to  do  more ;  nor  is  the  family  receiving  them  required 
to  do  more  than  send  their  cards  in  return.  The  cards  should  not  be  left  on 
the  daughters  without  including  the  parents. 

If  an  elderly  married  lady  makes  the  advance  by  inviting  a  younger 
married  lady  to  call  upon  her,  the  call  must  be  made  within  a  few  days,  and 
returned  immediately,  if  it  is  the  desire  to  continue  the  acquaintance. 

A  lady,  in  calling,  sends  in  only  one  card,  no  matter  how  many  may  be- 
long to  the  family,  or  how  many  guests  may  be  included  in  the  call.  This 
card,  (which  is  sent  in  from  the  carriage  by  a  servant,  or  if  ladies  are  on 
foot,  delivered  in  person  at  the  door,)  is  simply  an  announcement  of  the 
name  of  the  visitor,  and  its  use  is  to  prevent  mistakes  from  the  blunders  of 
servants,  in  not  hearing  or  remembering  the  name  correctly,  and  is,  of 
course,  not  turned  down.  If  not  at  home,  one  card  is  left  for  the  lady  of  the , 
house,  and  one  for  the  guest,  both  turned  down.  If  it  is  not  the  first  call  of 
the  season,  the  card  for  the  lady  of  the  house  may  be  folded  down  the  middle 
to  include  the  family,  or  separate  cards  may  be  left  on  each.  A  separate 
card  for  the  guest  is  imperative,  unless  the  call  is  made  on  a  reception  day, 
when  no  card  for  a  guest  is  required,  as  it  is  not  incumbent  on  her  to  return 
the  visit. 

Not  more  than  three  members  of  a  family  should  call  together,  nor  should 
cards  representing  more  than  that  number  be  left. 

The  salver  used  by  the  servant  on  which  to  receive  cards  is  adopted  to 
prevent  cards  of  callers  from  being  soiled  by  finger  marks,  or  otherwise  de- 
faced by  handling. 

When  a  lady  has  a  reception  day  which  is  inconvenient  for  some  of  her 
friends,  who  may,  for  instance,  receive  the  same  day,  cards  ought  not  to  be 
sent  through  others,  but  the  call  should  be  made  on  some  other  day,  and  the 
reason  given. 


98  LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

Returning  calls  made  in  person  by  cards  enclosed  in  an  envelope,  means 
that  the  visiting  acquaintance  is  to  cease,  except  cards  sent  by  post  to  newly 
married  in  other  cities,  in  acknowledgment  of  wedding  cards,  and  P.  P.  C. 
cards,  which  are  now,  as  is  universally  admitted,  properly  sent  by  post.  As 
circles  in  our  cities  become  larger,  and  the  pressure  of  social  duties  greater, 
the  post  will  no  doubt  be  used  by  many  for  sending  cards  in  all  cases  where 
they  may  properly  represent  the  individual. 

Ladies  who  are  charged  with  delivering  the  cards  of  other  members  of 
the  family,  when  calling  on  ladies  who  are  receiving,  but  have  no  reception 
day,  leave  the  cards  of  aged  persons  or  others  who  have  ceased  formal  visit- 
ing, and  of  gentlemen  not  accompanying  the  callers,  on  the  hall  table, 
unless  the  servant  who  answers  the  door  has  a  tray  for  them. 

Ladies  from  other  cities,  on  arrival,  should  send  their  cards,  with  address, 
to  all  their  acquaintances,  as  notice  of  their  arrival.  These  cards  may  be 
sent  by  post. 

A  first  call  ought  to  be  returned  within  three  or  four  days,  and  a  longer 
delay  than  a  week  may  be  accepted  as  an  indication  that  there  is  an  un- 
willingness to  accept  the  proffered  acquaintance,  unless  some  explanation 
of  the  neglect  is  given. 

Ladies  in  making  calls  dress  much  more  elegantly  than  for  walking  or 
shopping,  as  a  compliment  to  those  visited.  At  summer  resorts,  unless 
there  are  reception  days,  it  is  optional  to  call  within  formal  hours  in  visit- 
ing costume;  or  to  make  informal  calls  in  morning  dress;  or  to  call  just  be- 
fore the  afternoon  drive  in  driving  toilet.  With  intimate  friends,  to  call  in 
morning  dress  is  most  agreeable  and  most  practised.  When  receiving,  a 
silk  gown,  high  in  the  neck,  and  with  long  sleeves,  is  a  proper  dress.  No 
diamonds  and  no  flowers  in  cap  or  hair,  are  permitted.  If  she  has  a  regu- 
lar reception  day,  a  lady  may  dress  more  elegantly  but  still  not  richly.  She 
rises  when  her  visitors  enter  the  drawing  room,  they  advance  and  pay  their 
respects  to  her,  and  she  seats  the  ladies  who  have  arrived  latest  near  her  if 
possible.  Gentlemen  take  the  nearest  convenient  seat  without  waiting  to  be 
asked.  She  leads  or  directs  the  conversation,  paying  the  most  attention  to 
the  latest  comers,  sees  that  no  one  is  neglected  or  alone,  and  takes  care 
that  she  engages  each  in  conversation,  if  some  one  else  is  not  occupying  the 
.attention.  Extra  attention  may  be  paid  to  age,  to  eminent  persons  and  to 


LADIES1  CALLS  AND  CARDS.  99 

strangers,  but  to  do  homage  to  the  rich  or  richly  dressed,  to  the  neglect  of 
poorer  or  plainer  folks,  is  a  piece  of  snobbery  of  which  no  well-bred  lady 
would  be  guilty.  A  lady  who  is  not  in  her  own  house,  does  not  rise,  either 
on  the  arrival  or  departure  of  others,  unless  as  a  mark  of  respect  to  the  aged, 
for  whom  any  expression  of  deference  is  proof  of  a  thoughtful  and  refined 
nature. 

Ladies  may  sometimes  exchange  calls  without  seeing  each  other,  and  so 
be  on  the  footing  of  acquaintance  without  knowing  each  other  by  sight.  In 
this  case,  it  is  the  part  of  the  one  who  received  the  first  attention,  to  intro- 
duce herself  or  seek  an  introduction  on  the  first  opportunity.  Ladies  who 
know  each  other  by  sight,  and  who  have  exchanged  cards  without  seeing 
each  other,  bow  when  they  meet. 

In  making  the  first  calls  of  the  season,  after  the  summer  vacation,  one 
card  should  be  left  at  all  houses  where  calls  are  made,  whether  the  lady  is 
receiving  or  not,  to  help  her  make  out  her  list,  a  task  of  no  small  difficulty 
if,  with  a  large  circle  of  acquaintances,  she  must  trust  wholly  to  memory. 

Some  ladies  follow  the  English  custom  of  rising  only  as  the  callers  take 
their  departure;  others  adopt  the  practice  on  the  continent,  of  following 
them  as  far  as  the  drawing-room  door.  They  certainly  should  not  resume 
seats  until  their  visitors  have  left  the  room.  The  lady  receiving  gives  her 
hand  to  a  gentleman  as  well  as  to  a  lady,  but  does  not  shake  his  hand. 
Young  ladies  do  not  give  the  hand  to  gentlemen  not  relatives,  unless  after  a 
long  absence  or  for  some  other  special  reason.  Where  it  is  a  custom  to  call 
a  servant  to  open  the  door,  the  bell  should  be  rung  in  good  time,  and  the 
visitor  kept  engaged  in  conversation  until  the  servant  appears.  If  the  gen- 
tleman of  the  house  is  present,  he  accompanies  the  ladies  to  the  hall  door, 
but  in  unpleasant  weather  they  should  not  permit  him  to  go  further.  A 
thoughtful  consideration  marks  the  well-bred  lady,  and  it  is  only  the 
thoughtless  and  ill-bred  who  keep  each  other  standing  in  the  draught  of 
open  doors,  bandying  the  remnants  of  conversation  that  should  have  been 
finished  before  leaving  their  seats.  The  leave-taking,  to  be  polite  and  con- 
siderate, must  be  prompt  on  the  part  of  the  caller ;  nor  is  it  well-bred  for  the 
house  to  suggest  new  topics  of  conversation,  or  in  any  way  delay  the  caller 
in  retiring.  "Welcome  the  coming,  speed  the  parting  guest,"  is  as  correct  a 
rule  in  the  case  of  callers  as  of  visitors  whose  stay  is  longer  continued.  If 


100  LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

half  the  pains  taken  to  teach  ladies  how  to  enter  rooms  gracefully,  were  ex- 
pended in  teaching  them  how  to  withdraw  gracefully  and  without  inflicting 
on  the  lady  of  the  house  the  agony  of  a  long-drawn-out  leave-taking,  calling 
would  be  a  pleasanter  formality,  and  fewer  ladies  would  be  invalids  from 
exposure  incident  to  a  mistaken  idea  of  what  is  due  their  departing  guests. 

"Good  morning  "and  "  Good  evening,"  are  proper  salutes  on  meeting, 
but  "  Good  bye  "  the  correct  form  in  taking  leave. 

When  a  lady  meets  a  gentleman  who  has  called  upon  her  without  finding 
her  at  home,  it  is  a  very  graceful  thing  for  her  to  express  regret  at  not 
seeing  him.  When  daughters  leave  the  cards  of  the  mother,  and  the  lady 
in  returning  the  call,  expresses  her  regret  at  not  seeing  her  when  she  called, 
t  it  is  not  necessary  to  explain  that  the  cards  were  left  by  the  daughters; 
indeed,  it  would  be  a  great  rudeness  to  do  more  than  politely  accept  the 
situation. 

It  is  absolutely  necessary  for  a  lady  who  has  any  considerable  list  of  call- 
ers, to  keep  r,  memorandum  visiting  list,  in  which  the  time  of  calls  made 
and  calls  received  are  noted.  This  is  necessary  because  time  passes  more 
rapidly  than  is  credible  to  one  who  keeps  no  such  list ;  and  because  it  is 
necessary  to  know  when  calls  are  returned,  so  that  future  visits  may  be 
graduated  by  it. 

Among  intimate  friends  visits  of  ceremony  are  not  needed ;  but  it  is  bet- 
ter to  pay  even  friendly  visits  at  seasonable  hours,  and  to  be  certain  that  the 
stay  seems  too  brief  rather  than  too  long  to  those  who  entertain.  The  cour- 
tesies of  society  are  by  no  means  lost  among  friends,  and  intimacy  is 
cemented  by  that  careful  attention  to  social  rights  that  marks  the  well-bred 
in  more  formal  society.  Anything  that  savors  of  "  company  manners,"  put 
on  with  strangers  and  put  off  among  familiar  friends,  is  pretense  and  show, 
and  has  none  of  the  wearing  quality  that  is  necessary  to  endure  the  test  of 
familiarity.  Of  course,  no  lady  or  gentleman  will  make  informal  visits, 
even  upon  the  most  intimate  friends,  which  interfere  with  the  routine  of 
daily  life.  Every  family  has  and  must  have  some  system  which  it  causes 
inconvenience  to  disturb ;  and  people  who  make  long  visits  at  unsuitable 
hours  are  sure  to  be  voted  bores,  however  agreeable  their  society  might  prove 
at  other  times. 


LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CARDS.  101 

To  continue  working  during  a  formal  call  would  be  rude,  but  when 
friends  are  making  prolonged  visits,  any  work  that  does  not  interrupt  con- 
versation need  not  be  laid  aside.  If  engaged  at  work  which  requires  close 
attention,  it  should  be  exchanged  for  something  less  absorbing,  even  when 
visiting  with  intimate  friends.  If  friends  come  a  long  distance,  it  is  polite 
to  offer  refreshments. 

In  the  United  States,  ladies  who  behave  with  discretion  may  appear  on 
promenades  and  in  public  places,  libraries,  and  public  exhibitions  without 
an  escort ;  in  the  evening,  however,  this  is  not  desirable,  and,  in  many  pla- 
ces, it  would  be  at  the  risk  of  indignities.  There  are,  however,  certain  rules 
of  conduct  which  obtain  in  different  places,  and  no  lady  who  desires  that 
her  conduct  should  be  unexceptionable  will  fail  to  conform  herself  to  them, 
lest  unwittingly  she  should  violate  them  and  be  misunderstood. 

•  During  ceremonious  visits,  the  head  dress  and  outer  wraps  are  not  laid 
aside,  the  short  time  allowed — never  exceeding  half  an  hour — making  it  un- 
necessary. A  lady  only  slightly  acquainted,  in  making  an  informal  visit, 
may  ask  to  lay  aside  her  wraps  to  be  more  at  ease,  and  a  convenient  chair 
should  receive  them.  At  the  house  of  familiar  friends,  they  may  be  laid  aside 
without  a  word,  and  a  lady  may  even  adjust  her  hair  before  the  glass,  if  it 
requires  only  a  reasonable  length  of  time  to  do  it.  If  a  friend  is  about  to  go 
•out  when  called  on,  or  to  sit  down  at  table,  the  caller  should,  (unless  there 
is  some  special  reason  for  not  doing  so,)  retire  as  soon  as  possible,  though 
invited  to  remain. 

When  two  ladies  are  introduced  it  sometimes  happens  that  the  question 
who  shall  make  the  first  call  arises ;  but  such  a  question  ought  to  settle 
itself  if  there  is  mutual  liking.  The  younger  may  call  first,  if  there  is  a 
decided  difference  in  ages,  as  the  supposition  is  that  the  elder  has  more 
pressing  social  duties,  growing  out  of  a  larger  circle  of  friends.  If  the  par- 
ties are  of  the  same  age,  the  one  whose  reception  day  comes  first  may 
receive  the  first  call. 

The  first  call  upon  a  lady  absolutely  requires  a  return.  If,  for  any  reason, 
the  acquaintance  is  not  desired,  the  cards  are  sent  in  from  the  carriage  by 
the  servant,  or  left  in  person,  without  inquiring  whether  the  person-called 
on  is  receiving. 


102  LADIES'  CALLS  AND  CARDS. 

These  rules,  which  at  first  glance  appear  unimportant,  are  by  no  means 
trifling.  Attention  is  at  once  a  proof  of  self-respect  and  respect  for  your 
friends,  and,  though  irksome  at  first,  they  soon  cease  to  be  matters  of  mem- 
ory, and  become  things  of  habit  and  second  nature.  Many  of  these  rules  are 
observed  only  by  ladies  who  have  large  circles  of  friends  in  large  cities,  and 
are  instituted  to  save  time  and  promote  social  intercourse.  Indeed,  without 
them,  society  would  be  to  many  devoid  of  any  pleasure  or  profit.  But  it 
would  be  absurd  to  insist  upon  their  strict  observance  in  the  village,  where 
the  circle  is  small,  and  many  of  the  customs  would  not  be  understood.  So 
far  as  they  are  applicable,  and  so  far  as  they  promote  good  feeling,  prevent 
misunderstanding,  and  avoid  offense,  so  far  they  ought  to  be  observed.  Cer- 
tainly, no  lady  who  aspires  to  fit  herself  to  move  in  a  wider  and  more  bril- 
liant social  circle  than  her  own,  can  afford  to  remain  ignorant  of  those  rules 
that  have  the  sanction  of  long  usage  in  the  best  society  our  country  has 
known.  If  familiar  with  these,  the  mastery  of  the  minor  matters  that  are 
regulated  only  by  local  customs  is  easy,  and  she  may  enter  any  circle  for 
which  her  culture  fits  her,  with  the  assurance  of  finding  herself  at  ease  with 
herself  and  agreeable  to  others. 


KECEPTIOlSrS  AND  KETTLE-DKCJMS. 


"  The  serious  there 

Mixed  with  the  sportive,  with  the  learn'd,  the  plain, 
Mirth  softened  wisdom,  candor  tempered  mirth; 
And  with  its  honey  lent,  without  the  sting." 

THE  woman  who  invented  special  days  for  receiving  calls,  is  responsible  foi- 
the  whole  family  of  kettle-drums  and  afternoon  receptions.  The  result  has 
been  a  multiplication  of  social  entertainments,  with  a  tendency  toward 
greater  simplicity.  Receptions  and  reception  days  have  become  wonderfully 
fashionable  within  the  past  quarter  century,  and  almost  ever  lady  who  has 
a  fair  circle  of  acquaintance  has  her  day  for  receiving,  and  this  day  is  often 
given  a  special  attraction,  sufficient  to  raise  it  to  the  dignity  of  a  kettle- 
drum, or  even  of  a  more  elaborate  reception.  On  the  regular  days,  perhaps, 
the  time  dragged  a  little  heavily,  with  only  a  caller  dropping  in  now  and 
then.  To  increase  the  calls,  an  attraction  in  the  way  of  a  musical  friend  was 
called  in,  or  some  fair  elocutionist  gave  a  recitation.  These  expedients  gave 
a  charm  of  novelty,  and  relaxed  the  rigid  ceremony  of  the  formal  visits,  to 
the  relief  alike  of  hostess  and  guests.  Now,  the  day  of  many  ladies  is  as 
brilliant  as  a  special  entertainment,  with  little  ceremony  and  little  or  very 
moderate  cost.  Ladies  who  call,  meet  a  select  and  entertaining  circle,  with 
a  sprinkle  of  poets,  painters,  and  men  of  leisure.  The  ice  of  formality  is 
readily  broken,  and  the  occasion  is  one  of  unalloyed  pleasure. 


104  RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS. 

Out  of  these  bright  reception  days,  grew  the  least  formal  of  receptions, 
which  has  borrowed  an  English  name,  "The  Kettle-Drum,"  distinguishing 
it  from  the  elaborate  and  costly  entertainments,  which  are  rapidly  going  out 
of  favor,  even  in  the  most  fashionable  and  extravagant  circles.  It  is  said  to 
have  originated  in  India,  where  officers  and  their  wives,  accustomed  to 
good  society,  gave  entertainments  necessarily  simple,  because  of  their  gar- 
rison surroundings,  but  none  the  less  charming  because  simple.  Indeed, 
entertaining  with  such  limitations  had  its  peculiar  fascinations.  Sumptuous 
tables  and  costly  table-wares  were  impossible,  but  taste  and  good  breeding 
gave  a  picturesqueness  to  the  occasion,  frequently  wanting  at  more  ostenta- 
tious repasts,  and  the  drumhead,  which  was  often  used  as  a  table,  has  doubt- 
less listened  to  brighter  conversation  and  keener  thrusts  of  wit,  than  ever 
passed  over  costly  silver  and  rare  china.  In  society  "  The  Kettle-Drum  " 
has  come  to  mean  a  light  entertainment.  It  is  simply  an  "  At  Home  "  in  the 
daytime,  or  as  it  has  often  been  styled,  "a  social  matinee"  which  both 
ladies  and  gentlemen  attend  in  demi  toilette.  Refreshments  are  served 
informally,  and  fanciful  suggestions  of  the  camp  are  often  introduced, — such 
as  the  beating  of  a  small  drum  at  intervals,  in  the  vicinity  of  the  tea-table, 
or  the  appearance  of  a  bright  young  lady  as  the  presiding  genius  of  the  tea- 
urn,  dressed  as  a  vivandiere.  The  table,  which  should  be  set  in  the  dining- 
room,  is  usually  supplied  with  a  coffee  or  chocolate  stand  at  one  end,  and  a 
tea-service  at  the  other.  Other  than  these,  daintily  prepared  sandwiches, 
buns,  and  cakes  are  all  that  should  be  offered  in  the  way  of  eatables.  After 
the  formal  salutations  are  made,  if  only  a  few  are  present,  a  servant  presents 
a  tray  with  tea,  cream,  and  sugar,  while  another  offers  the  simple  refresh- 
ments that  accompany  it.  If  the  rooms  are  crowded,  the  guest  is  asked  to 
seek  the  dining-room  for  tea,  and  is  served  there.  A  very  pretty  caprice  is 
to  select  a  bevy  of  young  girls,  belonging  to  the  society  circle,  who  wear 
coquettish  caps,  aprons,  short  dresses,  fancy  stockings  and  slippers,  and 
serve  the  guests  with  refreshments.  As  a  kettle-drum  is  distinguished  from 
a  light  entertainment,  invitations  are  given  out.  These  are  given  in  the 
name  of  the  lady  only,  unless  a  mother  has  a  daughter  who  receives  with 
her,  when  her  name  may  be  written  beneath.  The  invitations  are  ofter  writ- 
ten in  the  left  hand  corner  of  the  lady's  visiting  card. 


RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS. 


105 


MRS.  JAMES  BELONG. 


Kettle- Drum. 
March  eight — 4  to  7. 


Numerals  for  dates  and  hours  are  admissable,  and  such  invitations,  on 
account  of  their  informality,  are  more  appropriate  than  cards  which  are 
wholly  engraved.  These  invitations  are  enclosed  in  a  single  envelope  and 
sent  by  post  a  week  or  more  before  the  appointed  day.  If  other  ladies  receive 
with  the  hostess,  their  cards  may  or  may  not  be  enclosed  with  those  of  the 
hostess.  Answers  to  such  invitations  were  formerly  not  expected  unless 
R.  S.  V.  P.  was  added  to  the  written  inscription,  but  it  is  becoming  the 
fashion,  and  a  very  sensible  one  it  is,  to  require  answers  to  every  invitation 
to  an  entertainment,  however  informal.  This  obviates  any  possible  misun- 
derstanding, and  in  this  case  they  may  be  sent  by  messenger  or  post.  Those 
who  are  present  leave  cards  instead  of  making  the  formal  after-call,  which 
is  not  required  after  kettle-drums,  as  they  are  little  more  than  a  condensa- 
tion of  calls.  Those  not  able  to  be  present  send  in  their  cards  during  the 
reception  hours,  or  at  least  during  the  day. 

In  some  cities  the  after-call  is  required  from  those  who  are  not  able  to 
attend  a  kettle-drum,  but  gentlemen  whose  business  does  not  permit  them 
the  leisure  and  ladies  whose  health  or  age  forbids  their  attendance,  are  per- 
mitted to  send  the  answer  to  the  invitation,  and  the  card  which  represents 
them  in  the  after-call,  by  post. 

The  lady  receives  her  guests  standing,  and  is  aided  by  members  of  the 
family  or  such  friends  as  receive  with  her.  These  occasions  are  generally 
crowded,  and  guests  seldom  remain  longer  than  the  half  hour  allotted  to  a 
call,  unless  there  is  music,  or  some  other  special  attraction.  When  the 
pleasant  character  of  the  occasion  tempts  them  to  prolong  their  stay,  &  is  a 
delicate  compliment  to  the  hostess. 


106  RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS. 

Naturally  there  is  less  formality  at  a  kettle-drum  than  at  a  larger  day 
reception,  but  courtesy  and  high-breeding  are  never  out  of  place,  whether 
the  occasion  be  formal  or  informal.  The  simplicity  of  the  preparation  leaves 
the  hostess  all  the  more  time  to  make  the  occasion  as  bright  and  enjoyable 
as  possible  in  other  respects.  The  general  aspect  of  the  parlor  and  dining- 
room,  which  may  be  charming  with  pretty  yet  simple  fancies,  which  tell  of 
an  imaginative  mind  and  artistic  fingers,  has  much  to  do  with  putting 
guests  en  rapport,  and  insuring  a  social  victory  at  the  outset.  Introductions, 
as  a  rule,  are  not  made  at  kettle-drums,  and  are  not  considered  necessary 
for  unrestrained  conversation.  They  are  permitted,  when  mutually  desired 
by  parties,  and  may  be  made  by  a  common  friend,  or  by  the  hostess.  The 
time  is  spent  in  desultory  conversation  with  friends,  in  listening  to  music, 
or  recitations,  or  to  whatever  has  been  provided  for  entertainment  by  the 
hostess,  whose  good  judgment  is  requisite  to  make  happy  selections.  A 
cheerful  song,  well  sung,  is  always  acceptable,  but  instrumental  music  is 
less  inspiring  and  sympathetic.  Something  gay  and  sparkling,  such  as  is 
appreciated  by  all,  should  be  chosen.  Airs  from  Verdi,  Rossini  and  Auber 
are  much  surer  of  pleasing  than  those  taken  from  such  classical  composers 
as  Beethoven,  Schumann  and  Chopin.  The  invitations  to  sing  and  play,  or 
to  recite,  should  come  from  the  hostess,  and  not  from  guests,  as  she  may 
previously  have  made  out  a  programme,  which  would  be  seriously  broken 
in  upon  if  a  guest  should  be  rude  enough  to  take  temporary  charge  of  the 
entertainment  of  the  company.  Any  applause,  or  expression  of  pleasure 
after  a  song  or  other  effort  to  contribute  to  the  pleasure  of  the  company,  is, 
of  course,  a  compliment  to  the  performer  and  hostess  at  the  same  time.  In- 
deed, the  hostess  may  join  in  the  praise,  if  she  be  not  on  very  intimate  terms 
with  the  performer,  and  it  is  a  mark  of  appreciation  if  a  second  song,  or  a 
repetition  of  a  part  specially  admired,  is  called  for.  A  hostess  appreciates 
all  attentions  paid  to  those  who  contribute  to  the  pleasure  of  her  guests.  It 
is  the  duty  of  the  hostess  to  maintain  silence  among  her  guests  during  vocal  or 
instrumental  music,  or  a  recitation ;  if  any  are  so  thoughtless  as  to  whisper, 
when  whispering  is  annoying  to  the  singer  or  reader,  and  absolutely  painful 
to  the  appreciative  listener,  she  should  check  them  by  a  gesture,  if  need  be. 
It  is  also  her  duty  to  see  that  ladies  who  sing  have  proper  accompaniment, 
that  their  music  is  turned,  and  that  they  are  escorted  to  and  from  the  instru- 


RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS.  107 

ment.  If  the  programme  is  not  previously  arranged,  care  must  be  taken  to 
pay  all  singers  equal  attention,  for,  as  a  class,  those  gifted  in  song  are  pecu- 
liarly sensitive.  When  a  programme  has  been  previously  arranged,  care 
should  be  taken  to  select  only  such  as  may  be  certainly  depended  on  to  be 
present  in  time,  so  that  there  may  be  no  appearance  of  disorder  or  confusion. 
When  ladies  are  present  who  sing  well,  care  must  be  taken  in  inviting  them 
to  exercise  their  talent,  when  not  intimate.  Some  are  always  willing  and 
delighted  to  minister  in  any  way  possible  to  the  pleasure  of  those  around 
them,  while  others  resent  such  an  invitation  as  a  shrewd  attempt  to  use  their 
talents  to  amuse  others,  when  they  had  been  invited,  and  had  come  to  be 
entertained,  not  to  entertain. 

Gentlemen,  at  a  kettle-drum,  wear  the  usual  morning  dress;  a  black  cut- 
away, or  a  frock  coat,  dark  trowsers,  black  silk  necktie,  and  a  medium  or 
neutral  shade  of  gloves,  if  gloves  are  worn  at  all.  In  warm  weather,  light 
gray  or  colored  trousers,  colored  neckties,  and  white  vests  may  be  worn. 
The  latest  practice,  in  the  matter  of  gloves,  is  to  wear  them  only  at  dancing 
parties,  and  follows  the  English  example  set  by  the  Prince  of  Wales. 

Neither  white  tie,  nor  dress-coat,  nor  low-necked  dress  with  short  sleeves, 
must  appear  at  a  day  reception  of  any  kind.  Ladies  wear  the  demi  toilette, 

with  or  without  a  bonnet.  The  material  may  be  suited  to  the  season 

either  velvet,  silk,  muslin,  gauze  or  grenadines ;  but  the  most  elegant  jew- 
elry must  be  reserved  for  the  evening.  The  corsage  of  the  dress  may  be 
made  open  in  front,  with  laces  or  ruffles. 

An  elaborate  reception  is  preceded  by  a  call  upon  all  ladies  to  whom  the 
hostess  is  indebted  in  a  social  way.  The  invitations  are  issued,  like  those 
to  the  less  formal  kettle-drum,  in  the  name  of  the  lady  of  the  house,  under 
which  that  of  a  daughter  or  a  friend  receiving  with  her  may  appear.  The 
following  is  the  form  most  commonly  used,  to  be  engraved  on  the  best  of 
ivory  white  card : 


MRS.   L.    C.    HENDRYX. 
MISS  COOPER. 


Wednesday,  January  twentieth. 

Tea  at  four  o'clock.  12  Third  Street. 


108  RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS. 

Or  the  hour  may  be  given  as 

"From  3  to 7  o'clock." 

If  there  is  to  be  a  series  of  receptions  the  card  reads, 

Mrs.  L.  C.  Hendryx, 

Miss  Cooper, 
Wednesdays  in  January, 

From  3  to  7  o'clock.  12  Third  Street. 

If  dancing  is  to  be  added  to  the  attractions  of  the  evening,  the  word  may 
appear  in  the  card. 

Mrs.  L.  C.  Hendryx. 

Miss  Cooper. 

Wednesday,.January  20th,  from  3  to  7  o'clock. 
Dancing.  12  Third  Street. 

The  words  "At  Home"  seldom  appear  on  a  reception  card,  unless  after 
a  wedding.  Reception  cards  are  sent  out  by  messenger,  in  two  envelopes, 
while  the  less  formal  cards  for  kettle-drums,  as  previously  explained,  are 
enclosed  in  one,  and  may  be  sent  by  post. 

For  the  elaborate  morning  reception,  or,  to  give  it  the  right  name,  after- 
noon party,  more  preparation  is  made  than  for  a  kettle-drum.  A  carpet  is 
extended  from  the  door  to  the  sidewalk,  and  an  awning  stretched  oveihead 
incase  the  weather  should  prove  unpleasant.  A  waiting-man,  in  dress  suit 
and  white  thread  gloves,  stands  ready  to  assist  ladies  unattended  by  gentle- 
men, and  without  the  luxury  of  a  footman,  in  alighting  from  their  carriages, 
and  to  give  each  lady  and  her  driver  a  corresponding  number,  so  that  it  will 
be  easy  to  summon  her  particular  carriage  by  number,  when  she  is  ready  to 
depart.  It  is  also  his  duty  to  dismiss  the  carriages  as  they  arrive,  and  to 
recall  them  when  wanted.  In  the  entrance  hall  is  stationed  a  servant,  who 
anticipates  the  ringing  of  the  door-bell  by  opening  the  door,  admitting  the 
guests  without  delay,  and  saving  sensitive  ears  from  the  clangor  of  the  "bell. 
This  servant  also  receives  the  cards  of  the  guests  and  directs  them  to  the 
dressing-rooms,  where  ladies  may  rearrange  their  toilets  and  remove 
their  wraps,  unless  they  prefer  to  retain  these  usually  rich  and 
handsome  articles.  A  gentleman  retains  his  hat  unless  there  is  a 


RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS.  109 

crowd,  when  his  own  comfort,  the  safety  of  that  precious  article  of  apparel, 
and  the  convenience  of  other  guests,  combine  to  make  it  proper  to  leave  it 
in  the  dressing-room.  The  lady  enters  the  drawing-room  on  the  gentleman's 
right;  or  if  a  young  lady,  accompanied  by  a  chaperon,  the  latter  takes  the 
place  of  a  gentleman.  Before  saluting  a  friend  or  acquaintance,  guests 
pay  their  respects  to  the  hostess,  and  then  pass  on  to  make  room  for  others 
who  are  arriving.  Any  prolonged  conversation,  which  compels  others  enter- 
ing to  make  an  awkward  pause,  is  rude  in  the  extreme.  If  one  of  the  fea- 
tures is  dancing,  to  prepare  for  this  the  carpet  should  be  covered  with  linen, 
and  a  band  of  music,  or  at  least  three  instruments,  a  violin,  a  cornet,  and 
piano,  should  be  placed  in  a  position  remote  from  the  hostess,  so  as  to  inter- 
fere as  little  as  possible  with  conversation.  Singing  is  very  appropriately 
introduced  to  relieve  the  conversation  and  dancing,  and  here  good  manners 
will  be  conspicuous  if  attention  is  given  to  the  performance ;  for  politeness 
imposes  silence  whether  the  listeners  are  entertained  or  not.  Ladies  and 
gentlemen  who  are  fond  of  dancing,  of  course  repair  to  the  dressing-room 
and  leave  wraps,  before  entering  the  drawing-room.  The  duties  of  the  hos- 
tess do  not  permit  her  to  take  part,  but  her  daughters  may  join  in  the  dance 
in  the  latter  part  of  the  afternoon.  When  dancing  is  not  a  feature  of  the 
reception,  the  hostess  often  sends  special  invitations  to  such  young  friends 
as  she  chooses,  or  as  she  knows  would  particularly  enjoy  it,  to  remain  and 
dance  after  the  hours  named  in  the  cards ;  or  she  may  give  the  invitation 
personally  during  the  afternoon.  For  these  an  informal  dinner  is  provided 
later  in  the  evening.  Special  attention  must  be  paid  to  ladies  who  come 
unattended, — escorts  provided  for  them  to  the  refreshment  table,  and  part- 
ners for  the  dance.  Unless  there  is  some  special  attraction,  such  as  singing 
or  dancing,  a  half  hour  is  ong  enough  to  remain  at  a  reception,  especially 
if  the  rooms  are  crowded,  when  it  is  a  kindness  to  make  way  for  guests 
arriving  later.  Gentlemen  seldom  refuse  coffee,  and  ladies  partake  of  ices 
or  oysters ;  but  the  unseasonable  hour  for  eating  rich  foods  makes  the  exhi- 
bition of  an  appetite  a  reflection  on  one's  dinner,  however  complimentary  it 
may  be  to  the  appetizing  delicacies  so  temptingly  displayed.  The  fact  that 
few  can  be  anything  but  indifferent  to  food,  in  afternoon  hours,  seems  to 
point  to  simplicity  as  the  proper  thing  for  the  refreshment  table.  The  table 
is  usually  spread  in  the  dining-room,  which  should  be  well  lighted,  and  as 


HO  RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS. 

attractive  and  tasteful  as  flowers  can  make  it.  Attention  must  also  be  given 
to  a  proper  ventilation — something  too  often  overlooked — of  every  room  fre- 
quented by  guests.  This  must  be  secured  without  exposing  any  to  drafts  of 
cold  air.  The  refreshments  usually  consist  of  tea,  coffee,  chocolate,  ices, 
fruit  and  cakes,  with  frozen  coffee  and  claret  punch.  Sometimes  a  cold  col- 
lation is  served  after  the  lighter  refreshments,  and  sometimes  the  table 
includes  all  varieties,  which  are  renewed  as  they  disappear.  Ices,  coffee, 
chocolate,  tea  and  fancy  cakes  may  be  passed  to  such  as  do  not  repair  to  the 
table  for  more  substantial  refreshments.  It  is  not  necessary  that  ceremo- 
nious leave-taking  should  precede  departure  from  receptions,  especially 
when  the  parlors  are  crowded,  in  which  case  it'is  a  real  kindness  not  to  dis- 
tract the  attention  of  the  hostess  from  her  guests.  After  an  elaborate  recep- 
tion the  after  call  is  imperative. 

Introductions  are  rarely  made  at  receptions,  partly  because  of  the  hostess 
being  too  much  occupied,  and  because  many  would  consider  it  officious  to 
make  them  acquainted  with  unknown,  and  possibly  undesirable  people.  At 
larger  parties  and  the  more  formal  receptions,  they  are  even  less  frequent 
than  at  informal  social  gatherings. 

Hospitably  inclined  people,  who  are  deterred  from  giving  entertainments 
on  account  of  the  expense  of  suppers,  will  welcome  the  newer  fashion,  now 
well  rooted  among  the  more  intellectual  classes,  of  dispensing  entirely  with 
formal  suppers,  the  refreshments  being  of  a  simple  character,  served  on  a 
side-table,  and  partaken  of  by  guests  at  pleasure,  whenever  talking  or  danc- 
ing has  given  them  an  inclination  for  refreshments.  So  far  from  making 
such  occasions  less  pleasant,  by  banishing  hot  suppers,  they  are  really  more 
enjoyable.  The  number  may  be  fewer,  by  the  absence  of  those  who  go 
simply  for  the  sake  of  eating;  but  those  who  go  from  other  and  higher 
motives,  will  have  better  opportunities  for  conversation,  while  those  who 
dance  may  indulge  in  that  pleasure,  without  the  annoying  interference 
which  a  crowd  always  causes.  Besides,  there  is  more  dignity  in  this  slight 
recognition  of  the  body  and  its  necessities ;  the  elaborate,  hot  supper  is  the 
feature  of  the  evening,  overshadowing  all  the  rest ;  but  the  simpler  plan  of 
serving  refreshments  at  the  side-table,  notes  and  quietly  supplies  a  physical 
want,  without  changing  the  current  of  conversation  or  amusement,  or  de- 
tracting in  any  way  from  the  intellectual  character  of  the  entertainment.  It 


RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS.  Ill 

is  a  fact  worthy  of  note,  that  some  of  the  most  brilliant,  and  many  of  the 
most  agreeable  evening  parties,  both  in  Europe  and  America,  are  now  sup- 
perless;  and  what  was  at  first  a  doubtful  innovation,  has  come  to  be 
recognized  as  a  prevailing  fashion. 

Evening  receptions,  being  simpler  in  detail  than  parties,  are  becoming- 
more  and  more  fashionable,  particularly  among  people  of  literary  and 
artistic  tastes.  Hats,  bonnets  and  wraps  are  laid  aside,  and  the  entire  evening 
is  given  up  to  conversation,  music  or  reading.  Ladies  do  not  wear  the  full 
evening  toilets,  but  late  customs  make  full  dress  the  costume  for  gentlemen 
at  all  evening  entertainments.  Gloves  are  not  necessary,  however,  except  in 
dancing ;  nor  should  white  gloves  be  worn  on  such  an  occasion  by  either 
ladies  or  gentlemen. 

The  musicale  is  the  most  difficult  entertainment  attempted,  as  its  success 
depends  on  so  many  contingencies.  The  failure  of  one  artist,  whose  name 
appears  on  the  programme,  to  appear  in  season  or  to  appear  at  all,  adds  infi- 
nitely to  the  perplexities  of  the  hostess.  These  are  held  during  the  afternoon 
hours,  or  if  in  summer,  at  places  of  summer  resort,  even  earlier.  The  first 
step  is  to  secure  persons  possessing  sufficient  musical  talent  to  insure  success ; 
the  second  to  arrange  them  in  a  programme  that  will  please  all,  and,  at  the 
same  time,  please  guests.  It  is  usual  to  open  with  some  brilliant  instrumen- 
tal performance,  and  to  follow  it  by  solos,  duets,  and  quartettes,  with 
instrumental  music  interspersed.  Care  must  be  taken  to  provide  a  com- 
petent accompanist. 

The  musicale  is  not  exactly  a  private  concert.  It  is  not  expected  to 
occupy  the  whole  evening,  but  has  a  social  element,  and  a  supper  or  collation 
is  a  part  of  the  entertainment.  Therefore  discretion  should  be  used  in  the 
number  of  artists  invited,  and  in  the  selection  of  pieces  to  be  performed. 
Eleven  pieces  make  a  very  good  programme — five  for  the  first  part  and  six 
for  the  second.  During  the  interval  ices  and  other  light  refreshments  are 
passed. 

If  an  attempt  is  made  to  combine  acknowledged  artists  and  amateurs, 
in  the  same  programme,  it  will  be  at  the  risk  of  failure,  as  it  is  unfair  for  the 
amateurs,  who  cannot  be  expected  to  compete  with  the  professionals ;  and 
they  may,  at  the  last  moment,  fail  to  fill  their  places  from  timidity,  or, 
embarrassed  by  the  presence  of  artists  of  high  repute,  do  their  real  talent 


112  RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS. 

i 

the  injustice  of  singing  or  playing  badly.  It  is  better  management  to  select 
either  amateurs  or  artists  for  the  evening's  amusement.  In  extending  the 
invitation  to  them,  it  is,  of  course,  necessary  to  let  them  know  that  they  are 
desired  to  take  a  part  in  the  entertainment,  and  it  is  well  to  know  just  what 
they  will  do.  Courtesy  requires  that  they  should  also  know  what  others  are 
expected,  and  what  pieces  they  are  to  contribute.  The  musicale  requires 
rooms  so  large  that  there  is  no  danger  of  overcrowding.  From  these,  every 
superfluous  article  of  furniture  should  be  removed,  as  every  object  absorbs 
and  weakens  the  pure  tone  of  music,  whether  vocal,  or  rendered  by  an 
instrument.  The  piano  should  be  cleared  of  every  article,  even  music  books, 
thoroughly  dusted,  and  the  keys  well  rubbed  with  chamois,  withdrawn  from 
the  wall,  and  put  in  perfect  tune. 

The  following  is  a  suggestion  in  the  way  of  programme : 

1.  Overture— Merry  Wives  of  Windsor,        .        .        .'     Nicolai. 

PIANOFORTE  DUET. 

2.  Duet — La  Favorita, Donizetti. 

SOPRANA  AND  BARITONE. 

3.  Duo— Der  Freischutz, Weber. 

PIANO  AND  VIOLIN. 

4.  Prayer  and  Barcarole,  Etoile  du  Nord,       .        .        .      Mayerbeer. 

SOPRANO  SOLO. 

5.  Aria— Quest  'o  quella.       Rigoletto,        ....    Verdi. 

TENOR  SOLO. 

6.  Scherzo— Scotch  Symphony, Mendelssohn. 

PIANOFORTE  DUET. 

7.  Polacca— I  Puritani,        .......      Bellini. 

SOPRANO  SOLO. 

8.  Finale— Kreutzer  Sonata, Beethoven. 

PIANO  AND  VIOLIN. 

9.  Non  piu  mesta,  Cenerentola, Rossini. 

CONTRALTO  SOLO. 

10.    Quarto— Rigoletto, Verdi. 

SOPRANO,  CONTRALTO,  TENOR,  BARITONE. 

11     Overture— William  Tell, Rossini. 

PIANOFORTE  DUET. 

It  is  a  serious  breach  of  good  manners  to  be  restless,  to  whisper,  or  to 
show  weariness  during  any  performance ;  and  those  who  do  not  care  enough 
for  music  to  preserve  quiet  should  remain  at  home.  Good  attention  and 


RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS.  113 

perfect  silence  are  necessary  to  the  appreciation  and  enjoyment  of  music, 
and  must  be  strictly  maintained.  The  hostess  who  has  due  regard  for  the 
comfort  of  her  guests  will,  however,  see  to  it  that  too  long  pieces  are  not 
placed  on  the  programme.  An  entire  sonata  of  Beethoven,  or  concerto  of 
Weber  is  proper  for  a  concert ;  but  one  movement  of  either  is  sufficient  for  a 
musicale,  which  charms  by  the  variety  as  well  as  by  the  excellence  of  its 
performances. 

The  programmes  of  the  evening  are  engraved  on  cardboard,  like  those  for 
a  ball,  though  usually  somewhat  larger,  and  are  presented  to  the  guests  be- 
fore the  music  begins. 

Artists  who  make  private  parties  so  brilliant  are  seldom  paid  for  the  ser- 
vice in  this  country,  but  it  is  usual  to  provide  them  with  a  carriage  for  the 
occasion,  and  it  is  a  graceful  thing  to  present  them  with  bouquets  and  bas- 
kets of  flowers  during  the  evening,  and  presents  of  a  more  enduring  charac- 
ter are  not  out  of  place. 

In  Paris  and  London,  where  musicales  are  very  popular  in  all  cultivated 
circles,  they  are  very  expensive  and  elaborate  affairs.  The  music  is  not  only 
professional,  but  the  very  best  that  can  be  hired  from  the  opera  or  concert 
troupe.  In  America,  the  orchestra  that  plays  for  receptions  and  dances  is 
hired,  but  the  higher  order  of  artists,  whose  art  it  has  cost  years  to  acquire, 
is  repaid  with  thanks  and  flowers. 

The  dress  at  an  afternoon  musicale  is  the  same  as  that  at  a  reception, 
except  that  bonnets  and  wraps  are  more  generally  laid  aside.  Those  who 
have  taken  part  are  provided  later  with  a  hot  supper,  an  attention  whi6h 
singers  always  appreciate,  as  the  exercise  of  the  vocal  organs  develops  hun- 
ger, and  the  exhaustion  produced  demands  nourishing  food. 

Other  entertainments,  of  an  informal  nature,  differ  little  in  the  observ- 
ance of  social  rules.  Morning  and  afternoon  parties,  in  the  country,  are  less 
formal  than  in  the  city,  and  the  hostess  introduces  guests  to  each  other,  if 
she  thinks  them  likely  to  be  mutually  agreeable.  Music,  or  some  amuse- 
ment, is  almost  a  necessity  for  such  occasions.  A  collation  may  be  served 
in  tents,  and,  if  the  weather  is  fine,  guests  may  stroll  over  the  grounds,  on 
the  piazzas,  or  in  the  shade  upon  the  lawn.  Gentlemen  wear  a  dress  which 
is  appropriate  for  calling  in  summer,  and  ladies  carry  parasols  and  wear 


114  RECEPTIONS  AND  KETTLE-DRUMS. 

velvet  skirts  with  batiste  polonaises  or  bunting  costumes,  with  jaunty  head- 
gear. 

For  yachting,  ladies  need  large  parasols  for  protection,  and  wear  flannel 
suits  of  navy  blue  or  white,  plainly  but  neatly  trimmed  with  woolen  braid, 
sailor  hats,  and  thick  boots.  Next  to  such  a  suit,  a  heavy  black  silk  is  the 
most  desirable.  Thick  outer  wraps  should  be  provided  against  a  sudden 
change  in  the  weather. 

Croquet  and  archery  parties  are  of  the  most  informal  character.  All 
strangers  must  be  introduced,  and  none  should  be  invited  for  whom  the 
hostess  is  not  willing  to  vouch  as  agreeable  and  suitable  acquaintances. 

Extravagance  and  ostentation,  never  countenanced  by  highly  cultivated 
society,  are  usually  the  distinguishing  marks  of  families,  who,  having  risen 
suddenly  to  wealth,  and  not  feeling  sure  of  their  social  position,  vainly 
expect  to  buy  the  brain-culture,  good  taste,  and  trained  self-poise  that  dis- 
tinguish the  gentleman  and  lady  from  the  common  herd,  with  money,  as 
they  buy  fine  horses  or  fine  clothes.  The -tendency  is  toward  simplicity  in 
everything  social.  If  economy  is  not  fashionable,  a  careful  husbanding  of 
resources,  which  is  something  akin  to  it,  does  not  debar  one  from  even  the 
less  cultured  fashionable  circles,  and  mere  costliness  in  an  entertainment 
does  not  atone  for  the  vulgarity  or  coarseness  that  is  certain  to  crop  out, 
when  half-trained  people  attempt  to  make  a  figure  in  society  by  profuse 
hospitality. 

Invitations  to  musical  soires,  charades,  private  theatricals,  archery,  sail- 
ing, or  garden  parties,  are  informal,  and  require  an  answer,  for  the  very  evi- 
dent reason  that  it  is  necessary  for  the  hostess  to  know  who,  of  the  intended 
guests,  are  not  to  be  present,  in  order  to  fill  their  places  with  others.  In 
fact,  any  failure  to  promptly  reply  frequently  causes  greater  inconvenience 
than  in  the  case  of  more  formal  invitations,  as  the  parties  are  smaller,  and 
the  presence  of  all  those  invited  more  important,  and  sometimes  indispen- 
sable to  the- pleasure  of  the  rest. 


PAETIES  A1STD  BALLS. 


Ostentation  is  snobbish.  Too  great  profusion  is  snobbish. 
There  are  people  who  are  more  snobbish  than  all  these— 
those  who  can  and  don't  entertain  at  all. — THACKERAY. 

WITH  all  the  faults  and  imperfections  that  exist  in  fashionable  society,  and 
all  those  that  are  supposed  to  belong  to  it  by  envious  people  outside  its 
charmed  circle,  the  list  of  entertainments  it  offers  to  its  members  is  fair  evi- 
dence that  it  is  really  sympathetic  and  hospitable.  There  are  morning  and 
afternoon  receptions,  kettle-drums,  musicales,  dances,  croquet  and  archery 
parties,  weddings,  christenings,  and  anniversaries  without  number.  It  is 
easy  for  the  cynical  to  say  that  these  are  all  vanities  and  vexations  emanat- 
ing from  a  weak  pride  and  love  of  display ;  but  whatever  the  motive — and 
very  often  it  is  the  dormant  or  regnant  evil  in  our  own  hearts  that  leads  us 
to  suspect  the  motives  of  others — the  effect  is  to  mold  and  cement,  to  polish 
and  refine  the  crude  elements  of  various  sets  and  circles  into  one  enlightened 
and  sympathetic  whole.  Society,  with  all  its  selfishness  and  frivolity,  its 
artifice  and  dissimulation,  is  something  more  than  a  bazar  of  fashion  and  a 
system  of  regulated  proprieties.  It  is  a  powerful  educational  agency,  bring- 
ing together  the  weak  and  the  strong,  the  wise  and  the  simple,  the  silent 
and  the  talkative ;  and  by  contact  brightening  mind  with  mind,  polishing 
rough  natures,  and  quickening  the  unambitious  into  action  by  example  and 
emulation.  Indeed,  society  is  a  great  moral  force.  It  dissipates  prejudice, 
humbles  arrogance,  rebukes  vulgar  pretension,  and  checks  unjust  social 


116  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

aggression.  No  seminary  of  learning  brightens  the  faculties,  and  makes  one 
alert,  ready,  and  self-centered,  like  the  school  of  society, — the  foibles  and 
weaknesses  of  which  are  only  such  as  belong  to  human  nature  itself. 

It  is  true  that  old-fashioned  hospitalities  meant  more  than  modern,  be- 
cause they  represented  more  care,  trouble,  and  perplexity  on  the  part  of 
entertainers.  Now,  a  brilliant  evening  party,  in  a  great  city,  is  simply  a 
question  of  leaving  orders  with  the  professional  caterer,  and  the  professional 
master  of  ceremonies.  When  the  evening  arrives,  the  host  has  only  to  wel- 
come his  guests ;  all  details  have  been  arranged  for  the  occasion,  and  without 
his  care  or  supervision.  He  orders  a  party  as  he  orders  his  coat  of  a 
fashionable  tailor,  and  his  costly  entertainments  reflect  his  taste  only  in  a ' 
general  way,  as  his  coat  does.  The  party  itself  often  grows  out  of  the  num- 
ber of  social  debts  to  be  paid,  rather  than  of  any  genuine,  hearty  impulse  of 
friendship  or  hospitality.  It  is  a  social  exaction,  and  is  paid  like  taxes,  from 
a  sense  of  public  duty  or  necessity.  And  yet  those  who  entertain  well  are 
not  without  reward.  No  people  are  more  valued  for  their  own  sake  than 
those  who  contribute  to  the  amusement  of  society.  A  tasteful,  well- 
managed,  enjoyable  evening  party  exacts  from  all  who  taste  its  pleasures  a 
tribute  of  respect  and  admiration,  and  both  host  and  hostess  have  thereafter 
a  prestige  that  did  not  attach  to  them  before.  This  is  a  positive  reward,  be- 
sides the  satisfaction  of  having  conferred  pleasure  upon  a  social  circle,  and 
done  a  duty  to  society,  incumbent  on  all  in  whose  power  it  is  to  bear  its 
burdens  as  well  as  to  share  its  pleasures.  Certain  it  is,  that  those  who  are 
too  miserly  to  be  hospitable,  while  they  accept  and  enjoy  the  hospitality  of 
others,  deserve  nothing  but  to  be  cast  out  of  respectable  circles  as  too  selfish 
to  be  classed  with  the  gently  bred. 

The  evening  party  is  an  elaborate  and  costly  affair,  attended  with  all  the 
formalities  and  ceremonies  known  in  fashionable  society.  It  has  all  the 
brilliancy  of  a  ball,  and  only  differs  from  it  in  keeping  earlier  hours,  and  in 
the  fact  that  the  ball  is  entirely  given  up  to  dancing,  while  at  a  party,  danc- 
ing does  not  begin  until  after  supper,  as  is  usually  indicated  by  the  hour 
named  in  the  invitation  itself,  which  is  engraved  in  plain,  neat  script,  on 
card  or  note  of  superb  quality.  The  words  "dancing  at  eleven11  (or  whatever 
hour  is  chosen  for  the  dancing  to  begin)  is  also  engraved  at  the  lower,  left 
hand  corner.  It  is  issued  about  ten  days  previous  to  the  evening  appointed, 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  117 

the  lady  having  previously  called  on  all  proposed  guests  to  whom  she  is  so- 
cially indebted.  It  names  the  hour,  which  is  earlier  for  a  party  than  for  a 
ball ;  but  this  varies  somewhat  in  different  cities.  In  this  busy  country, 
where  the  gay  cavaliers  of  the  evening  are  hard  at  work  in  counting-rooms 
on  the  following  morning,  early  hours  ought  to  grow  in  favor,  to  protect  the 
health,  at  least  of  the  young  men.  There  is  no  reason  why  Americans,  who 
are  absorbed  in  business,  should  ape  the  late  hours  which  are  well  enough 
for  men  of  aristocratic  leisure  in  Europe.  The  loss  of  sleep  is  serious  to 
young  men,  who  attempt  to  comply  with  the  requirements  of  both  business 
and  society,  and  a  sensible  reform  would  establish  earlier  hours.  Fashion- 
able young  damsels,  if  their  indulgent  mothers  permit  it,  may  restore  their 
excited  nerves  by  sleeping  away  the  hours  which  their  busier  beaux  are 
obliged  to  spend  over  dull  accounts,  or  prosy  correspondence,  and  may, 
perhaps,  suffer  less  damage  by  the  transformation  of  night  into  day.  The 
invitation  may  be  sent  by  messenger,  or  by  post.  In  the  best  society  of  the 
larger  cities,  where  deliveries  by  carrier  are  frequent  and  prompt,  the  old 
rule  is  abandoned,  and  the  post  is  recognized  as  a  proper,  and  entirely 
respectful  means  of  transmission.  Indeed,  the  only  reason  for  the  existence 
of  the  old  rule  of  etiquette,  which  declared  it  rude  to  send  invitations  and 
replies  by  post,  was  the  uncertainty  that  they  would  reach  intended 
destinations ;  and  the  still  greater  danger  that  they  would  be  delayed  beyond 
the  proper  time.  Now  where  the  mails  are  at  least  as  safe,  prompt,  and 
certain  as  a  messenger,  there  is  no  possible  disrespect  in  sending  invitations 
by  post,  and  no  reason  why  the  old  rule  should  not  be  abandoned.  If  the 
occasion  is  not  to  be  extremely  formal,  one  wrapper  is  sufficient  for  the  card 
note. 

The  invitation  to  a  party  is  given  in  the  name  of  the  lady  and  her  hus- 
band, and  the  fashionable  form  is  the  following: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  C.  Seeley, 
request  the  pleasure  of  your  presence  on  Thursday  evening, 

January  sixth,  at  half  past  eight  o'clock. 
Dancing  at  eleven.  16  Hawthorne  avenue. 

This  should  be  engraved  on  small  note  paper  or  large  cards,  in  neat 
script.    No  colors  should  appear  in  monogram  or  coat  of  arms,  if  either  are 


118  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

used.  The  most  concise  and  direct  forms  are  now  fashionable,  such  stately 
phrases  "as  present  compliments"  having  long  since  given  way  to  the 
growing  taste  for  republican  simplicity.  The  word  "polite"  is  also  ruled 
out  in  acceptances  and  regrets,  the  plainer  "  kind  "  or  "  very  kind"  taking 
its  place.  This  word,  which  was  so  commonly  used  in  the  old-school  forms 
and  ceremonies,  has  a  stilted  and  antiquated  look,  and  seems,  to  modern 
ideas,  inconsistent  with  the  truest  refinement  and  elegance.  No  abbrevia- 
tion of  names  or  addresses  is  allowed,  either  in  invitations  or  replies,  though 
initials  may  be  used  in  names.  Numerals  are  sometimes  allowed  in  the 
date,  in  written  invitations,  when  space  is  limited,  and  always  in  the  num- 
ber in  the  address.  The  full  names  must  appear  on  one  line,  but  the  division 
of  the  words  into  lines  is  rather  a  matter  of  taste  and  symmetry  than  an 
arbitrary  form.  It  is  not  considered  good  form  to  make  one  card  include  all 
members  of  a  family,  or  several  persons,  addressing  the  wrapper  "Messrs. 
Harris  and  King,"  or,  "  Mrs.  Jameson  and  Family."  One  envelope  may  be 
directed  to  "  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  L.  James,"  one  to  "  The  Misses  James," 
if  there  are  more  daughters  than  one,  but  each  son  invited  receives  a  sepa- 
rate envelope.  The  following  is  a  good  form  for  a  reply : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  L.  James  accept  with  pleasure 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  C.  Seeley's  kind  invitation  for 
January  sixth. 

27  Hobart  avenue. 

The  reply  ought  to  be  returned  immediately,  and,  at  latest,  must  be  sent 
within  two  or  three  days  of  the  reception  of  the  invitation,  and  is  made  in 
the  name  of  the  person  or  persons  invited. 

If,  after  acceptance,  it  is  found  impossible  to  be  present,  a  card  should  be 
sent  in  on  the  evening,  followed  by  an  informal  note,  explaining  the  reason, 
the  next  day.  If  in  doubt,  on  the  receipt  of  an  invitation,  and  the  doubt 
is  not  solved  within  the  prescribed  two  or  three  days,  it  is  better  to  accept 
the  invitation,  and,  if  found  necessary,  send  card  on  the  evening,  and  note 
of  explanation  as  above  directed.  The  rule  which  requires  a  prompt  answer 
to  all  formal  invitations  has  no  exception,  and  is  imperative.  It  is  a  false 
humility  that  leads  to  any  neglect  of  it,  on  the  ground  that  one  is  not  of 
sufficient  importance  to  be  missed.  Be  sure  that  your  absence  and  discour- 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  119 

tesy  will  be  noted,  and  justly  set  down  against  you.  It  is  not  a  question  of 
humility,  but  one  of  decent  and  respectful  treatment  of  a  friend,  who  has 
extended  a  courtesy  which  is  at  once  a  kindness  and  a  compliment  to  you ; 
and  of  which  every  rule  of  good-breeding  requires  a  proper  acknowledg- 
ment. 

It  is  the  custom  in  all  good  society  to  let  nothing  avoidable  prevent  the 
acceptance  of  a  first  invitation  by  those  who  go  into  society  at  all.  Nor  is 
promptness  in  sending  a  reply  set  down  by  well-bred  people  as  the  result 
of  excessive  delight  at  receiving  an  invitation,  and  eagerness  to  appear  in 
society.  It  is,  on  the  contrary,  simply  a  proper  acknowledgment,  and  it 
would  be  just  as  polite  to  defer  thanking  a  friend  for  a  favor  until  the  next 
day,  or  the  next  time  you  met  him,  lest  he  might  think  you  were  not  accus- 
tomed to  receiving  favors.  The  "thank  you"  for  a  favor  received,  or  ser- 
vice done,  falls  spontaneously  from  the  lips  of  the  gentleman  or  lady,  and 
the  answer  to  a  social  courtesy  ought  to  be  returned  with  the  same  prompt- 
ness. 

If  it  is  found  necessary  to  decline  an  invitation,  the  form  of  regret  is 
something  like  the  following : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  L.  James  regret  that  they  cannot  accept 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  C.  Seeley's  kind  invitation  for  January 
sixth,  owing  to  the  illness  of  their  daughter. 
27  Hohart  avenue. 

It  is  hardly  sufficient  to  "  decline  with  sincere  regret,"  or  "  on  account  of 
a  previous  engagement,"  without  naming  the  engagement,  especially  if  the 
invitation  is  a  first  one.  To  say  "  regret  that  they  cannot  accept,"  or  to 
simply  " decline,"  or  to  use  a  somewhat  common  form,  "Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Henry  L.  James'  compliments  and  regrets  for  January  sixth,"  is  to  give  an 
abrupt  and  curt  answer  to  one  who  has  offered  a  social  courtesy,  and  a 
moment's  thought  reveals  their  real  rudeness  and  unkindness  to  a  sensitive 
mind.  Many,  on  receipt  of  such  a  notice  of  regret,  would  drop  the  sender 
from  their  list  of  friends.  Persons  in  mourning  "  regret  that  a  recent 
bereavement  "  prevents  their  acceptance;  but  if  the  note  is  written  on  paper 
with  a  mourning  border,  that  explains  the  dause  more  delicately  than~"any 
reference  to  it  in  words.  If  to  be  out  of  town,  the  note  gives  as  the  reason 


120  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

for  declining,  "intended  absence  from  the  city."  "A  previous  engage- 
ment "  so  often  means  an  engagement  to  remain  at  home,  or  at  any  other 
convenient  place,  when  there  is  no  inclination  to  accept,  that  it  is  not  good 
form  to  use  the  phrase,  without  adding  what  the  engagement  is.  There  are 
cases  when  real  feeling  would  substitute  "very  kind"  for  "kind,"  and 
"  regret  extremely  "  for  "regret,"  to  give  special  force  to  the  formal  note.  A 
very  common  error  is  to  write  "  will  prevent,"  instead  of  "  prevents,"  using 
the  future  tense  when  the  present  is  required.  The  act  of  acceptance  is  in 
the  present,  though  attendance  upon  the  party  is  a  matter  of  the  future. 
When  a  regret  is  worded  properly,  and  gives  frankly  the  cause  of  absence, 
no  apology  is  necessary  at  the  next  meeting.  A  polite  expression  of  regret 
and  disappointment  is  proper,  but  a  labored  explanation  only  discredits  the 
formal  note.  The  after-call  is  as  necessary  for  those  who  send  regrets,  as 
for  those  who  enjoy  the  festivities  offered  them,  for  the  obvious  reason  that 
the  tender  of  the  hospitality  was  all  that  the  host  and  hostess  could  do. 
The  failure  to  accept  does  not  diminish  the  social  debt,  which,  if  not  paid, 
is  at  least  acknowledged  by  the  after-call. 

The  letters  R.  S.  V.  P.,  (Respondez  s'U  vous  plait,)  "Please  answer," 
were  formerly  engraved  on  all  invitations,  but  they  are  now  seldom  used. 
If  the  reminder  is  needed  in  any  circle,  the  simple  English  words  "an 
answer  is  requested,"  are  in  equally  good  form  for  an  engraved  invitation. 
If  written,  brevity  might  excuse  the  use  of  the  initials  of  the  well-known 
foreign  phrase.  The  general  acceptance  of  the  rule  that  all  invitations 
require  an  answer,  even  those  to  informal  receptions  and  kettle-drums, 
makes  the  suggestion  of  the  initials  unnecessary,  if,  indeed,  they  do  not  con- 
tain a  reproach.  It  is  not,  or  at  least  ought  not  to  be,  necessary  to  remind 
ladies  and  gentlemen  of  a  social  duty,  and  such  a  reminder  is  a  silent  reflec- 
tion on  a  friend's  intelligence. 

An  invitation,  written  upon  a  visiting  card,  to  an  informal  reception  or 
kettle-drum,  is,  in  some  cities,  made  an  exception  to  the  rule  requiring  an 
answer ;  and,  in  this  case,  it  may  properly  contain  the  initials  R.  S.  V.  P. 
But,  as  a  rule,  in  the  best  society,  even  this  is  not  excepted,  and  there  seems 
to  be  no  good  reason  why  it  should  be. 

All  answers  to  invitations,  whether  extended  in  the  name  of  the  lady 
entertaining  and  her  husband,  or  of  the  lady  alone,  are  addressed  in  the  name 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  121 

of  the  lady  only.  The  practice  of  sending  them  by  post,  in  cities  where 
delivery  is  prompt,  and  reasonably  regular,  is  certain  to  be  adopted  gener- 
ally, because  of  its  convenience  to  the  sender.  But  there  is  another  argu- 
ment in  its  favor.  The  hostess  receives  her  replies  together  from  the  post- 
man, instead  of  being  obliged  to  station  some  one  at  the  bell  to  answer  the 
messengers  who  come  singly,  at  all  hours,  and  each  bearing  a  single  answer 
from  some  one  of  her  "  dear,  five  hundred  friends." 

In  all  cases,  when  a  husband  is  to  be  invited,  the  wife  must  be  included, 
whether  her  acquaintance  is  desired  or  not.  No  greater  affront  c'an  be 
offered  to  a  man,  than  to  invite  him  to  an  entertainment  in  which  ladies  are 
included,  without  also  inviting  his  wife.  If  he  has  the  instinct  of  good 
breeding,  he  will  feel  the  insult  more  keenly  even  than  if  offered  to  himself, 
and  resent  it  accordingly. 

At  a  party,  dancing  seldom  begins  until  after  supper,  as  the  hour  usually 
named  for  dancing  on  the  invitation  indicates.  Conversation,  music,  cards, 
etc.,  occupy  the  earlier  part  of  the  evening,  and  the  dancing  ends  and  all 
depart  by  one  o'clock,  at  latest. 

The  proper  requisites-  for  a  ball  are  a  charming  and  well  bred  hostess, — 
and  what  well-bred  lady  is  not  charming? — the  best  of  music,  pure  air,  a 
good  supper,  guests  who  know  their  duties  and  do  them,  and  ample  room 
for  the  number  invited.  The  invitation  does  not  differ  from  that  to  an 
evening  party,  except  that  it  is  given  in  the  name  of  the  lady  only,  names  a 
later  hour  for  assembling,  and  the  word  "dancing"  appears,  without  any 
hour  for  beginning.  The  following  is  good  form : 

Mrs.  James  C.  Seeley, 
requests  the  pleasure  of  your  presence, 

on  Thursday  evening,  January  sixth,  at  half-past  nine  o'clock. 
Dancing.  16  Hawthorne  avenue. 

The  etiquette  of  answers  is  the  same  as  that  for  evening  parties.  For 
balls,  the  most  elegant  dressing  is  expected  of  the  ladies,  and  full  dress  for 
gentlemen,  with  gloves.  The  dress  need  not  necessarily  be  expensive,  but 
it  should  be  as  fresh  and  clean  as  possible.  It  may  be  elegant  by  reason  of 
its  simplicity,  but  it  must  be  neither  soiled  nor  tumbled.  Dresses  of  heavy 
material  are  neither  convenient  nor  appropriate  for  dancing.  Muslins"  for 
full  dress  are  again  coming  into  fashion,  and  there  is  nothing  prettier  than 


122  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

this  material,  made  elegant  by  elaborate  trimmings  of  Valenciennes,  Breton 
or  Mechlin  lace.  An  indispensable  article  of  toilet  for  a  lady  is  a  fan.  This 
may  be  carried  even  in  dancing,  by  suspending  it  from  the  waist  by  a 
chatelaine  chain.  The  hostess  should,  of  course,  wear  a  quiet  toilet,  lest  she 
outshine  her  less  pretentious  guests.  It  is  her  duty  to  bring  out  all  the 
attractions  of  her  guests,  to  put  each  in  the  best  light  possible,  and  to  find 
her  own  pleasure  in  contributing  to  theirs.  An  English  writer  says:  "The 
advantage  of  the  ball  is  that  it  brings  young  people  together  for  a  sensible 
and  innocent  recreation,  and  takes  them  away  from  silly  if  not  bad  ones ; 
that  it  gives  them  exercise,  and  that  the  general  effect  of  the  beauty,  elegance 
and  brilliance  of  a  ball  is  to  elevate  rather  than  deprave  the  mind,"  and 
there  can  be  little  question  that  the  dance,  under  proper  restrictions,  is  less 
open  to  objection  than  amusements  which  take  its  place  in  circles  where 
dancing  is  not  allowed.  There  are  many  who  are  conscientiously  opposed  to 
dancing  at  all,  and  others  who  disapprove  of  round  dances,  but  countenance 
quadrilles,  which  some  fashionable  circles  are  attempting  to  banish  from  the 
party  and  ball.  These  scruples  should  be  respected,  and  it  is  little  better 
than  an  insult  to  invite  a  lady  to  a  ball  who  refuses  to  dance  as  a  matter  of 
conscience.  It  is  courteous  to  make  up  the  programme  of  the  dance  with  an 
equal  number  of  quadrilles  and  round  dances,  out  of  regard  for  those  who 
object,  or  whose  parents  object,  to  the  latter.  Abroad  the  dance  usually 
opens  with  a  waltz,  followed  by  a  quadrille,  and  these  are  succeeded  in  turn 
by  galops,  lanciers,  quadrilles  and  waltzes.  The  programme  should  be 
arranged  beforehand,  and  for  large  balls  the  list  of  dances  should  be  printed 
and  furnished  each  guest  for  convenience  in  making  engagements. 

Four  musicians  are  sufficient  for  a  ball.  When  the  room  is  not  large  the 
horn  should  not  be  employed.  A  flageolet  is  not  so  loud,  and  hence  much 
more  agreeable  to  the  ear,  while  it  marks  the  time  equally  well.  Many 
recently  built  houses  have  halls  especially  devoted  to  dancing,  and  it  is  only 
in  a  room  where  music  is  heard  to  the  best  advantage  that  the  amusement 
can  be  enjoyed  to  its  fullest  extent.  If  there  is  no  special  room,  there  should 
be  the  scantiest  possible  supply  of  furniture ;  paintings  should  be  removed 
from  the  walls,  and  the  carpets  covered  with  linen.  Dancing  over  heavy 
carpets,  unless  so  covered,  is  a  labor  instead  of  a  pleasure,  and  the  inspiriting 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  123 

tones  of  music  are  half  lost  when  caught  by  the  pictures  and  decorations  of 
the  walls  and  windows. 

Other  elaborate  preparations  are  requisite  for  the  party  or  ball.  An 
awning,  to  provide  against  bad  weather,  should  reach  to  the  sidewalk,  and 
a  carpet  should  be  spread  from  the  hall  door  to  the  alighting  place  to  protect 
the  ladies'  dresses.  A  servant  stands  on  the  sidewalk  to  open  the  carriage 
doors  and  to  assist  in  alighting  such  ladies  as  come  unattended.  He  also 
should  be  provided  with  numbers  to  give  to  the  coachman  and  the 
occupants  of  each  carriage.  A  dressing-room  for  gentlemen  as  well  as  ladies 
should  be  in  readiness,  and  a  maid  in  waiting  to  assist  the  ladies  in  re- 
arranging their  toilets.  A  careful  hostess  will  see  that  several  glasses, 
dressing-combs,  brushes,  etc.,  are  provided  so  that  delays  may  be  obviated. 
Minor  details  of  the  toilet,  such  as  pins,  face-powder,  hair-pins,  needles,  and 
spools  of  cotton  and  silk,  and  glove-buttoners,  must  not  be  forgotten.  At 
the  same  time  the  gentlemen  should  not  be  neglected.  If  a  large  number 
have  been  invited,  a  man  servant  should  be  stationed  in  their  dressing-room 
to  take  hats,  overcoats,  and  to  show  any  needful  attention  required.  The 
frequent  ringing  of  the  door-bell  is  prevented  by  a  servant  placed  in  the 
entrance  hall,  whose  duty  it  is  to  anticipate  the  entrance  of  guests,  and  to 
direct  them  to  the  dressing-room. 

After  the  ladies  have  readjusted  their  toilets,  they  join  their  waiting 
escorts,  and  proceed  to  the  drawing-room.  In  passing  up  or  down  the  stairs, 
the  lady,  if  she  be  not  an  invalid  or  old,  will  probably  prefer  to  decline 
assistance,  in  which  case  the  gentleman  will  precede  her  by  two  or  three 
steps  in  going  up,  and  keep  slightly  in  advance  of  her  in  going  down.  If 
the  lady  accepts  his  assistance,  he  offers  his  right  arm,  which  she  takes  with 
her  left,  leaving  her  right  free  to  protect  her  train.  It  is  not  important 
whether  the  wall  or  the  rail  side  is  given.  If  the  lady  accepts  assistance, 
she  relies  on  the  gentleman  not  on  wall  or  rail,  for  her  support,  and  her  con- 
venience is  consulted  by  leaving  her  right  hand  free,  as  the  management  of 
a  trail  with  the  left  hand  is  an  awkward  matter  under  any  circumstances, 
and  particularly  in  descending  stairways,  which  are  frequently  narrow  and 
tortuous.  A  bouquet  or  fan,  if  the  latter  is  not  suspended  by  a  chatelaine, 
may  be  carried  in  the  hand  which  rests  on  the  escort's  arm.  It  is  no  longer 
necessary  for  the  lady  to  lean  on  the  arm  of  her  escort  in  advancing  into  the 


124  E  VENINQ  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

drawing-room  to  pay  her  respects  to  the  hostess.  She  oftener  precedes  him 
by  a  few  steps.  If  she  prefers  it,  however,  she  enters  still  retaining  the 
right  arm  of  her  escort,  or  if  not  married  and  two  ladies  enter  accompany- 
ing one  gentleman,  the  elder  is  on  the  right.  If  a  young  lady  enters  with 
her  chaperon,  the  latter  takes  the  gentleman's  place.  In  passing  out  of  or 
entering  any  apartment,  the  lady  precedes  the  gentleman  by  a  step  or  two, 
when  she  does  not  retain  his  arm.  In  France  the  lady  precedes  the  gentle- 
man by  several  steps,  and  so  rigidly  is  this  rule  observed  that  Madame 
McMahon  made  its  violation  by  a  lady  of  rank  who  entered  her  salon  on  the 
arm  of  her  husband,  the  pretext  of  a  bitter  quarrel. 

After  greeting  the  hostess,  —  and  the  greeting  must  be  the  simplest 
exchange  of  kind  inquiries,  and  not  a  prolonged  conversation,  because  any 
delay  may  compel  others  entering  after  to  wait  awkwardly  at  the  thresh- 
hold, — guests  walk  about,  find  friends,  take  snatches  of  light  conversation 
here  and  there,  and  aid  in  every  possible  way  to  prevent  the  stagnation  that 
is  apt  to  overtake  a  formal  party  before  supper,  or  a  ball  before  dancing 
begins.  At  a  party,  in  the  lulls  in  conversation,  in  the  interval  between 
arrival  and  dancing,  an  occasional  song  or  piano  piece,  selected  with  good 
judgment  and  well  executed,  is  a  pleasing  variation,  and  it  is  a  growing 
fashion  to  supplement  music  by  dramatic  recitations,  which  are  more  gene- 
rally popular  even  than  music.  This  fashion  has  given  a  powerful  impulse 
to  the  study  of  parlor  elocution,  especially  among  ladies,  and  the  power  to 
render  favorite  passages  from  favorite  authors  with  effect,  is  already  counted 
one  of  the  highest  and  most  pleasing  of  social  accomplishments.  The  rest- 
less, tireless  energy  that  has  made  Americans  famous  for  daring  enterprise 
in  every  department  of  business,  has  invaded  the  domain  of  society,  and  is 
devising  ways  and  means  for  relieving  the  traditional  dullness  of  formal 
parties.  Crude  as  these  innovations  have  sometimes  been,  time  tones  them 
down  into  pleasing  variations  of  what  was  once  monotonous,  at  least 
among  people  of  mediocrity,  and  if,  in  our  best  society,  the  art  of  conver- 
sation has  died  out,  as  compared  with  the  days  of  Madame  de  Stael  and 
Margaret  Fuller,  parties  certainly  are  not  lacking  either  in  zest,  or  tasteful 
and  decorous  amusement. 

It  is  not  now  the  custom  for  the  host  to  receive  with  the  hostess,  but 
during  the  hours  when  guests  are  arriving,  he  is  expected  to  remain  in 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  125 

sight  so  that  he  may  be  readily  found  by  any  one  seeking  him.  It  is  his 
duty,  especially,  to  look  after  ladies,  taking  care  that  each  has  a  due  share 
of  attention,  and  that  no  "wall-flowers"  are  abandoned  to  their  loneliness. 
All  this  must  be  done  so  quietly  and  unobstrusively,  that  the  pride  of  the 
ladies  suffers  no  wound.  Young  men  who  are  called  upon  by  the  host  to  do 
what  is  sometimes  a  disagreeable  duty,  are  guilty  of  great  rudeness  if  they 
show  reluctance  in  giving  assent ;  it  is  a  graceful  thing  in  a  gentleman  to 
offer  to  aid  the  host  or  hostess  in  any  way  possible,  and  such  kindly  offers 
are  seldom  abused.  The  sons  of  the  family  entertaining,  are  to  be  equally 
watchful  of  the  interests  of  guests.  It  is  exceedingly  rude  for  them  to 
show  favoritism,  or  to  give  themselves  up  to  little  flirtations  which  might 
be  allowable  under  another  roof.  They  must  divide  their  attentions  with 
all,  see  that  all  young  ladies  have  partners  for  the  dance,  and  that  no  one 
is  neglected  or  forgotten.  The  evening  belongs  to  their  guests  and  must  not 
be  given  up  to  their  own  enjoyment.  The  daughters,  too,  must  look  after 
their  young  lady  friends,  and  never  dance  while  any  guest  is  unprovided 
with  a  partner. 

It  is  a  custom  among  a  class  of  fashionables  to  arrive  late  at  parties  and 
balls,  on  the  ground  that  it  adds  to  their  importance  to  do  so.  They  have 
about  as  clear  a  conception  of  what  is  polite  as  those  others  who  delay  to  give 
prompt  answer  to  invitations,  for  fear  their  haste  will  be  interpreted  as  over- 
due eagerness,  instead  of  what  it  really  is,  a  prompt  and  business-like 
acknowledgement  of  a  favor  done.  The  naming  of  an  hour  in  an  invitation 
means  that  it  is  the  wish  of  the  hostess  that  guests  should  arrive  at  that 
hour,  and  it  is  the  duty  of  every  guest  to  conform  to  her  wish  in  this  regard, 
if  the  invitation  is  accepted  at  all.  Besides  there  is  an  additional  zest  given, 
to  any  entertainment  by  the  prompt  and  simultaneous  arrival  of  guests, 
which  insures  a  pleasant  evening  and  adds  immensely  to  enjoyment  of  all. 
The  general  recognition  of  these  facts  has  already  worked  a  reform  in  the 
best  circles,  and  it  will  not  be  long  before  a  tardy  arrival  will  be  considered 
as  a  rude  disregard  of  the  expressed  wishes  of  the  hostess,  quite  unpardona- 
ble without  sufficient  explanation.  In  many  cities  of  Europe  guests  assem- 
ble at  nine  and  depart  at  one,  and  to  continue  the  dancing  until  two  is. 
unusually  late.  In  court  circles  the  hour  of  assembling  is  often  earlier,-and  a 
late  arrival  is  a  breach  of  etiquette  that  would  be  sure  to  call  down  a  royal 


126  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

rebuke.  Our  own  practice  of  arriving  late  doubtless  grew  out  of  the  habits 
of  the  English.  There  a  gentleman  or  lady  of  rank  may  have  and  fill  sev- 
eral engagements  in  a  single  evening,  going  from  dinner  to  opera,  and  from 
opera  to  several  balls.  In  England,  therefore,  a  late  arrival  might  mean 
that  the  necessities  of  these  social  demands  was  so  great  that  an  earlier 
arrival  was  impossible, — an  indication  of  social  importance.  In  America, 
where  no  such  meaning  tould  generally  attach  to  it,  the  adoption  of  such  a 
custom  is  absurd,  ecpecially  when  it  is  a  great  inconvenience  to  men,  more 
particularly  to  the  young,  who  are  not  gentlemen  of  leisure  like  the  English 
aristocrats,  but  men  of  business,  who  need  rest  and  sleep.  If  we  must  copy 
customs  from  abroad,  let  us  discriminate  between  those  suited  to  our  mode 
of  life,  and  those  which  were  meant  for  an  entirely  different  state  of  things. 
The  conservative  Dutchman,  who  insisted  upon  going  to  mill  with  a  sack  of 
wheat  upon  one  side  of  the  saddle,  and  a  sack  of  stones  on  the  other,  because 
that  was  the  way  of  his  father  and  grandfather  before  him,  is  not  more  ridic- 
ulous than  those  society  people  who  follow  absurd  fashions,  which  in  no 
way  add  to  the  convenience  and  comfort  of  society,  because  they  prevail 
abroad,  where  they  may  serve  a  good  purpose  under  very  different 
social  conditions. 

When  the  hostess  is  receiving,  no  one  remains  beside  her,  except  mem- 
bers of  her  own  family  who  receive  with  her,  or  such  friends  as  she  has 
requested  to  assist  her.  If  persons  who  are  comparative  strangers  are  pres- 
ent, she  must  make  special  effort  to  place  them  at  their  ease,  and  her  greet- 
ing must  be  as  cordial  to  new  acquaintances  as  to  old  friends.  A  haughty 
manner,  assumed  from  a  mistaken  idea  that  the  formality  of  the  occasion 
requires  it,  chills  everybody,  and  is  as  fatal  to  the  enjoyment  of  the  evening 
as  the  exhibition  of  excessive  and  gushing  cordiality.  A  lady  of  taste  will 
strive  after  that  happy  medium  of  manner,  which,  with  its  graceful  and 
frank  welcome,  acts  like  sunshine  on  every  guest,  and  insures  an  evening  of 
sensible  and  rational  enjoyment  at  the  outset.  It  is  hardly  necessary  to  say 
that  the  hostess  must  not  detain  guests  in  conversation,  as  her  position 
makes  her  quick  to  see  how  awkward  it  is  for  those  who  are  entering  to 
walk  around  trains,  or  to  wait  for  others  to  "  move  on." 

The  invitations  to  a  party  maybe  more  numerous  than  those  to  a  ball,  as 
the  number  will  include  many  who  do  not  dance,  and  who  will  either  return 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  127 

after  the  supper  hour,  or  find  amusement  in  other  rooms  than  those  given 
up  to  the  dance.  No  hostess,  however,  who  considers  the  comfort  of  her 
guests,  will  overcrowd  her  space.  Indeed,  she  has  no  right  to  give  a  party 
with  the  sole  and  only  object  of  cancelling  social  debts.  The  debts  are  not 
honestly  paid  if  guests  who  have  accepted  her  invitation,  with  the  reason- 
able expectation  of  an  evening's  pleasure,  are  cheated  out  of  it  by  such  an 
overcrowding  of  her  rooms,  that  enjoyment,  and  even  comfort,  is  impossible. 
It  is  safe,  however,  under  ordinary  circumstances,  to  invite  one-fourth  more 
guests  than  can  be  comfortable  in  the  space  at  her  disposal,  because  it  is 
reasonable  to  expect  that  about  that  proportion  of  those  invited  will  send 
their  regrets. 

When  families  are  known  not  to  observe  the  unwritten  law  which  forbids 
more  than  three  of  one  family  to  accept  invitations  to  the  same  entertain- 
ment, the  hostess  is  compelled  to  invite  only  such  as  she  desires  to  see, 
reserving  the  others  for  a  future  occasion.  In  making  up  her  list  of 
invitations,  it  will  be  a  relief  to  remember  that  she  is  not  obliged  to  invite 
any,  except  those  to  whom  she  is  indebted  for  similar  favors.  No  one  has 
any  right  to  feel  slighted  at  being  left  out,  unless  the  hostess  owes  her  a 
social  debt,  in  which  case,  the  neglect  is  unpardonable,  and  is  equivalent  to 
the  "cut  direct."  Beyond  this,  she  has  the  same  right  to  invite  any  others 
to  enjoy  her  house  and  hospitality,  that  she  has  to  invite  them  to  a  seat  in 
her  carriage  to  take  an  afternoon's  ride,  and  those  left  out  have  as  much 
right  to  complain  in  one  case,  as  in  the  other.  In  the  latter  case,  any  resent- 
ment or  coolness  is  manifestly  ill-bred ;  and  even  in  the  former,  it  is  more 
dignified  to  continue  the  formal  acquaintance,  but  not  to  extend  any  further 
invitations,  until  some  atonement  has  been  made  for  such  a  violation  of 
every  principle  of  grateful  feeling  and  courtesy. 

Ladies  and  gentlemen  recognize  each  other  the  instant  their  eyes  meet, 
by  a  bow.  It  is  unnecessary  to  say  that  persons  who  indulge  in  fits  of 
abstraction,  and  do  not  see  their  friends  when  they  seem  to  be  looking  at 
them,  have  no  right  to  impose  their  presence  upon  society.  Well-bred  people 
always  have  their  wits  about  them,  and  neither  affect  abstraction  nor  indulge 
themselves  or  others  in  it.  It  is  always  set  down  as  unpardonable  rudeness. 

Gentlemen  who  are  introduced  to  ladies  for  the  dance,  are  not  entitled  to, 
and  must  not  expect,  recognition  afterwards,  nor  is  it  necessary  to  ask  per- 


128  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

mission  of  a  lady  to  introduce  a  gentleman  for  this  purpose.  The  introduc- 
tion is  for  the  dance,  and  when  its  purpose  is  served,  both  parties  are  strangers 
as  before.  A  ball-room  acquaintance  seldom  goes  any  further,  unless  the 
parties  meet  more  than  once.  It  is  at  the  option  of  the  lady  to  recognize 
such  an  acquaintance  or  not,  while  it  is  not  her  privilege  to  refuse  to  recog- 
nize a  gentleman  who  has  been  formally  introduced  to  her,  unless  he  has 
committed  some  unpardonable  offense.  A  gentleman  who  has  received  a 
ball-room  introduction  must  not  ask  a  young  lady  for  more  than  two  dances, 
during  the  evening.  Gentlemen  who  can  dance,  but  who  lounge  about  and 
take  no  part  in  the  amusement,  leaving  ladies  without  partners,  and  saying 
as  plainly  as  cynical  looks  can  say,  that  while  they  are  dying  for  a  waltz, 
they  can  see  no  one  who  dances  divinely  enough  to  be  worthy,  are  nuisances, 
for  whose  selfishness  and  egotism  there  is  no  room  in  good  society.  "When 
there  are  more  ladies  than  gentlemen,  such  conduct  is  particularly  offensive, 
as  it  adds  to  the  difficulties  of  the  hostess.  It  is  polite,  in  such  a  case,  for 
any  gentleman  to  offer  his  aid  to  the  hostess,  and  to  dance  with  any  lady 
whom  she  desires  to  provide  with  a  partner.  And  every  gentleman,  who 
wishes  to  be  perfect  in  manners  will  voluntarily  sacrifice  himself  to  the 
"wall  flowers"  often  enough  to  bear  his  full  share  of  the  burden  of  making 
the  evening  a  plsasant  one  for  all.  He  will  also  take  care  to  dance  with  the 
daughters  of  the  house,  and  even  invite  the  hostess  herself  if  she  is  known 
to  dance,  and  there  is  an  opportunity  when  her  duties  seem  to  permit  her 
the  pleasure.  A  husband,  in  many  circles,  is  forbidden  to  dance  with 
his  wife,  except  as  a  freak  when  all  others  are  doing  the  same,  but  if  he 
wishes  to  show  her  this  special  attention,  there  is  no  good  reason  why  he 
should  be  debarred  from  it. 

A  gentleman  asks  a  lady  to  dance  with  him  by  any  very  simple  form,  as 
"Will  you  give  me  the  pleasure  of  a  dance  with  you  ?"  After  the  dance,  he 
offers  his  right  arm  to  her,  for  a  turn  or  two  about  the  room  before  returning 
her  to  her  seat,  or  to  the  presence  of  any  lady  she  knows,  and  thanks  her  for 
the  pleasure  she  has  conferred.  If  his  partner  is  a  young  lady,  in  charge  of 
a  chaperon,  his  invitation  is  addressed  to  the  latter,  instead  of  to  the  young 
lady,  and  it  is  her  he  thanks  for  the  pleasure,  when  he  returns  his  fair  com- 
panion to  her  place  again ;  it  is  in  her  presence  alone  that  he  may  linger  to 
converse.  These  are  marks  of  respect  due  the  lady  whose  kindness  has 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  129 

made  it  possible  for  the  young  lady  to  appear.  No  one  should  take  part  in 
a  dance,  even  in  a  simple  quadrille,  unless  he  is  reasonably  familiar  with  it, 
as  mistakes  destroy  the  harmony  and  pleasure  of  the  dance  for  others.  It  is 
proper  to  correct  a  dancer  politely,  if  the  mistake  is  due  to  ignorance,  not 
carelessness ;  but  anything  like  giving  lessons  is  apt  to  offend.  Lord  Ches- 
terfield's advice  to  his  son,  while  it  does  not  disguise  his  contempt  for  the 
amusement,  urges  the  importance  of  a  mastery  of  the  accomplishment. 
He  writes:  "  Dancing,  though  a  silly,  trifling  thing,  is  one  of  those  estab- 
lished follies  which  people  of  sense  are  sometimes  obliged  to  conform  to : 
and  when  they  do,  they  should  be  able  to  perform  it  well.  In  dancing,  the 
motion  of  the  arms  should  be  particularly  attended  to,  as  this  decides  a 
man's  being  genteel  or  otherwise,  more  than  any  other  part  of  the  body.  A 
twist  or  stiffness  of  the  waist  will  make  a  man  look  awkward.  If  a  man 
dances  well  from  the  waist  upward;  and  moves  his  head  properly,  he  dances 
well. 

Of  course,  no  gentleman  will  make  himself  conspicuous  by  any  odd  or 
ostentatious  behavior  in  the  dance.  In  performing  round  dances,  the  gen- 
tleman should  never  hold  a  lady's  hand  behind  him,  or  on  the  hip,  or  high 
in  the  air,  moving  the  hand  up  and  down  like  a  pump-handle,  in  time  with 
the  music  and  step.  Anything  which  makes  a  couple  conspicuous,  makes 
the  lady  conspicuous,  and  is  a  rudeness  which  would  very  likely  be 
resented.  There  is  a  delicate  way  of  conducting  round  dances,  which  dis- 
tinguishes a  considerate  gentleman  from  a  boor,  and  a  well-bred  woman 
will,  out  of  self-respect,  take  care  that  the  boor  gets  no  second  opportunity 
to  be  her  partner.  Gloves  are  a  necessity  in  the  ball-room,  and  it  is  wise  to 
be  provided  with  a  second  pair  in  case  of  accident  to  the  first.  Never 
attempt  to  step  over  a  lady's  train ;  walk  around  it.  No  offence  tries  the 
temper  of  women  like  the  tread  of  a  careless  foot  upon  that  most  useless, — 
in  man's  opinion — but  dearest  part  of  her  dress,  her  train,  and  he  who  would 
save  himself  from  falling  into  disgrace,  must  instantly  "beg  pardon,"  and 
if  he  has  torn  it,  with  becoming  humility,  offer  to  conduct  her  to  the  dress- 
ing-room for  repairs.  If  a  lady  ask  any  attention,  such  as  to  send  for  a 
glass  of  water,  to  take  her  to  the  drawing-room  or  ball-room  if  she  is  with- 
out an  escort,  to  direct  her  carriage  to  be  called,  or  to  learn  if  it  is  in  wait- 
ing, it  must  be  granted  instantly  and  graciously. 


130  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

It  is  ill-bred  to  eat  largely  at  the  supper.  To  say  nothing  of  the  ruinous 
effect  of  gorging  at  late  hours,  it  is  in  bad  taste.  The  ball  and  evening 
party,  are  social  affairs,  and  feasting  merely  incidental.  To  reverse  the  con- 
ditions is  ill-bred.  To  drink  to  excess  is  worse  than  ill-bred,  and  even  the 
temperate  and  total-abstinents  will  do  well  to  talk  and  dance  with  extra 
caution  after  supper,  as  any  license  of  speech  or  act  may  be  attributed  to 
the  wine  which  has  stolen  away  brain  and  self-control  at  the  same  time. 
No  well-bred  hostess  can  forgive  any  such  abuse  of  her  hospitality.  When 
supper  is  announced  at  a  ball,  the  gentleman  invites  the  ladies  with  whom 
he  happens  to  be  in  conversation,  or  the  lady  with  whom  he  has  danced 
last,  unless  he  sees  that  those  whom  he  has  escorted,  are  unattended,  in 
which  case  his  first  duty  is  to  them.  If  possible,  he  should  be  near  enough 
to  offer  them  his  services  at  this  time,  but  it  is  not  always  easy  to  anticipate 
the  time.  If  a  lady  is  attended  by  a  chaperon,  he  must  escort  both.  No 
lady  is  at  liberty  to  refuse  the  escort  of  any  gentleman  to  supper,  no  matter 
who  attended  her  to  the  party,  or  what  her  preferences  may  be.  It  is  not 
well-bred  even  to  show  any  reluctance  or  hesitation.  The  place  is  too  public 
and  formal  for  the  indulgence  of  any  whims,  and  a  general  rush  of  gentle- 
men to  join  their  respective  parties,  on  the  announcement  of  supper,  would 
create  unseemly  and  needless  confusion.  At  the  "stand-up  suppers,"  which 
follow  the  English  fashion,  the  escort  must  see  that  the  ladies  he  attends  are 
served  before  he  refreshes  himself,  and  no  lady  is  at  liberty  to  accept  the 
attentions  of  any  gentleman  other  than  her  escort  to  supper.  If  he  neglects 
her,  she  must  ask  a  servant  for  what  she  wants. 

Earlier  refreshments  are  often  provided  on  a  table,  in  a  smaller  room 
separate  from  the  supper  room.  There  may  be  plain  cakes,  sandwiches,  tea, 
hot  and  frozen  coffee,  claret  punch,  and  bouillon, — now  very  fashionable, — 
or  light  refreshments  may  be  served  from  a  buffet  or  side-table  in  the  hall, 
or  in  some  convenient  locality.  The  supper  room  is  opened  about  twelve 
o'clock,  the  host  leading  to  it  with  the  lady  on  whom  the  highest  honor  is 
to  be  conferred,  while  the  hostess  follows  last  of  all  with  the  most  distin- 
guished gentleman.  If  there  is  room,  both  ladies  and  gentlemen  take  sup- 
per at  the  same  time ;  if  not,  the  ladies  are  waited  upon  by  the  gentlemen, 
who  are  served  later.  In  England,  the  refreshments  are  cold.  Here,  oys- 
.ters  stewed,  escaloped,  broiled  or  fried,  chicken,  sweet  bread  and  green  peas, 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  131 

terrapins  and  game,  are  served  hot,  with  raw  oysters,  beef  a  la  mode,  boned 
turkey  and  chicken,  and  lobster  salad,  cold.  If  the  ball  is  a  very  late  one, 
bouillon  and  ices  may  be  passed  later,  or  served  to  such  as  desire  them  at  the 
sideboard. 

The  impression  that  young  men  often  have,  that  it  is  impolite  to  leave  a 
lady  until  some  other  gentleman  engages  her  in  conversation,  leads  to  great 
awkwardness,  and  often  makes  a  dull  party  of  what  might  be  a  bright  one, 
if  the  proprieties  of  behavior  in  this  regard  were  more  generally  understood. 
It  is  entirely  polite  to  leave  a  lady  with  a  companion  of  her  own  sex; 
indeed,  it  greatly  enhances  the  pleasure  and  enjoyment  of  all,  if  gentlemen 
flit  from  one  to  another.  Nothing  is  more  uncomfortable  for  a  lady  than 
the  impression  that  a  gentleman  is  remaining  by  her  side  from  a  sense  of 
duty,  waiting  for  some  one  to  come  to  the  rescue,  when  longing  to  be  on  the 
wing.  Indeed,  any  woman  who  knows  her  duty,  will  not  delay,  when  such 
a  suspicion  dawns,  to  suggest  a  movement  to  some  quarter  where  the  senti- 
nel who  stands  dutifully  by  her,  will  feel  free  to  leave  his  charge  in  other 
hands.  If  any  other  rule  than  this  was  accepted  and  practiced,  it  would  be 
natural  for  gentlemen  to  avoid  ladies  who  were  likely  to  prove  dull  com- 
panions, as  they  might  be  anchored  for  the  evening,  much  against  their 
will,  and  "  wall-flowers  "  would  be  more  numerous  than  ever.  A  writer  in 
the  "Home  Journal,"  in  treating  of  this  point  of  etiquette,  makes  the  fol- 
lowing sensible  remarks :  "It  would  be  interesting  to  know  how  this  idea 
had  its  origin — an  idea  so  conducive  to  the  destruction  of  all  pleasure  in 
society,  for,  when  a  man  has  once  found  himself  cornered  (the  favorite 
expression  used  by  men  under  such  circumstances)  for  an  hour  or  an  even- 
ing with  a  girl  or  a  woman  who  is  not  sympathetic  or  congenial,  he  is  not 
going  to  run  any  unnecessary  risks  of  a  similar  experience,  and  thereafter 
he  often  avoids  many  to  whom  he  would  like  to  devote  a  few  moments.  In 
society  where  it  is  not  considered  a  rudeness  to  leave  after  a  few  sentences 
with  one,  to  exchange  a  few  words  with  another,  there  is  a  constant  inter- 
change of  civilities ;  and  the  men  being  no  longer  in  fear  of  this  dreaded 
possibility,  circulate  through  the  rooms,  giving  that  charming  freedom 
which  insures  the  enjoyment  of  all.  One  cannot  help  wishing,  after  having 
seen  the  benefit  of  such  freedom,  that  our  men  would  introduce  the  custom 
here,  and  yet,  the  men  would  be  powerless  to  do  it  without  the  co-operation 


132  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

of  the  women.  Mrs.  Ward,  who  is  high  authority,  in  her  "  The  Youngf 
Lady's  Friend,"  suggests  to  young  girls  how  they  may  help  to  prevent  dull- 
ness at  parties  arising  from  this  cause;  she  says:  "Inexperienced  young 
girls  keep  a  gentleman  talking  to  them  longer  than  he  wishes,  because  they 
do  not  give  him  any  opportunity  to  leave.  They  are  standing,  perhaps, 
apart  from  the  rest  of  the  company,  and  he  cannot  leave  her  without  her 
remaining  quite  alone.  If  conversation  drags,  and  you  suspect  that  your 
companion  wishes  to  leave  you,  facilitate  his  departure,  by  changing  your 
position,  or  speaking  to  some  lady  near  you,  or  by  asking  him  to  take  you 
to  some  lady  friend  or  chaperon.1'  A  gentleman,  if  he  wishes  to  be  free, 
will  not  only  accede  to  such  a  request,  but  will  appreciate  the  quick  insight 
and  kindly  spirit  that  suggested  it,  and  will  never  fear  to  pay  you  attentions 
again  for  fear  of  being  "  cornered,"  while  men  who  have  tasted  the  pleasure 
of  roving  at  a  social  gathering,  greeting  all  acquaintances  and  refreshing 
and  renewing  friendships,  will  avoid,  in  mortal  fear,  the  selfish  and  mis- 
guided woman,  who,  for  appearance  sake,  holds  a  gentleman  at  her  side 
against  his  will,  long  after  he  ought  to  have  departed  on  his  round  of  brief 
and  friendly  chatter.  After  a  dance,  also,  the  gentleman  is  free  as  soon  as 
he  has  taken  a  turn  half  way  or  more  around  the  room  with  his  partner, 
and  consigned  her  with  his  thanks  to  some  friend.  He  need  not  linger  for 
further  conversation  unless  he  chooses. 

Ladies  must  take  good  care  to  remember  ball-room  engagements.  To 
forget  one  is  a  slight  to  a  gentleman  which  he  does  not  easily  forgive,  how- 
ever good-naturedly  he  may  seem  to  resign  her  to  another,  in  the  perfection 
of  his  good-breeding,  which  forbids  his  engaging  in  a  quarrel  or  making  a 
scene  in  society.  To  confuse  engagements,  or  to  promise  the  same  dance  to 
two  persons,  betrays  a  carelessness  which  belongs  only  to  half-trained  peo- 
ple. It  is  too  fatiguing  to  accept  invitations  for  every  dance.  The  exertion 
is  too  great ;  besides,  the  flush  of  overheated  faces  is  not  a  flush  of  beauty. 
The  safe  rule  is  temperance.  Any  refusal  to  dance  must  be  given  politely 
and  respectfully,  and  after  refusing  one  gentleman,  no  other  must  be 
accepted  for  the  same  dance,  under  penalty  of  being  suspected  of  giving  a 
refusal  to  the  first  on  account  of  a  personal  dislike.  No  young  lady  can 
afford  to  offend,  because  men  go  in  flocks  in  their  admiration  of  women, 
each  adding  fuel  to  the  other's  flame  by  his  praises,  or  chilling  his  neigh- 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.      ,  133 

bor's  new-born  ardor  by  the  untimely  frost  of  an  adverse  criticism.  The 
€nmity  of  even  the  weakest  man  in  her  circle  may  be  fatal  to  her  popularity. 
At  a  public  ball,  however,  the  young  lady  may  refuse  any  applicant  for  the 
honor  of  a  dance,  and  accept  another,  without  offense,  that  being  her  special 
privilege  for  the  occasion ;  a  refusal  does  not  necessarily  lose  her  the. dance. 
The  custom  grows  out  of  the  mixed  character  of  the  attendance  on  a  public 
ball ;  but  while  it  is  a  necessary  social  safeguard,  any  lady  who  uses  her 
power  capriciously,  does  it  at  her  peril.  Public  balls  are  seldom  enjoyable, 
unless  a  party  within  the  party  is  made  up  which  has  the  elements  of  har- 
mony. There  may  be  a  number  of  these  present,  but  when  uncongenial 
people  attempt  to  unite,  the  result  is  apt  to  be  disastrous  to  the  enjoyment 
of  the  whole. 

Those  who  give  large  balls,  even  in  private  houses,  will  find  the  pleasure 
of  the  evening  greatly  enhanced  if  three  or  four  young  gentlemen  are  selected 
as  aids  or  masters  of  ceremonies,  their  duties  being  to  provide  partners  for 
all  who  wish  to  dance,  to  introduce  strangers  when  necessary,  and  to  see 
that  order  is  brought  out  of  the  natural  chaos  of  such  an  assemblage. 

Invitations  to  balls  are  often  asked  for  strangers  or  young  friends  or  rela- 
tives just  entering  society,  who  have  not  yet  met  the  lady  entertaining. 
When  such  invitations  are  given, — and  they  are  seldom  refused, — if  to  a 
young  girl,  an  invitation  may  be  enclosed  also  to  the  parents,  if  the  position 
of  the  lady  who  entertains  is  such  as  to  require  her  to  make  the  advance 
towards  an  acquaintance ;  otherwise  the  invitation  should  be  enclosed  with 
that  of  the  lady  who  has  requested  it. 

It  is  the  duty  of  a  gentleman,  invited  to  an  entertainment  at  a  house, 
with  all  of  whose  members  he  is  not  acquainted,  to  seek,  as  early  as  con- 
venient, an  introduction  to  those  whom  he  does  not  know. 

It  is  in  bad  taste  for  a  lady  to  talk  too  much  or  too  loud,  or  to  talk  in 
undertones,  or  to  whisper  behind  a  fan  to  a  partner.  Nor  should  those  who 
dance  much  mention  tneir  triumphs  in  the  presence  of  those  who  dance 
little.  A  more  considerate  and  lady-like  course  would  be  to  recommend 
those  ladies  who  are  not  receiving  a  full  share  of  attention  to  gentlemen 
friends.  At  public  balls  a  gentleman  may  offer  a  lady  refreshments,  but 
she  does  not  accept  unless  he  is  an  intimate  friend.  A  lady  does  not.cross 
a  ball-room  unattended,  nor  does  she  leave  a  ball  alone.  Married  ladies  not 


134  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

attended  by  their  husbands,  are  accompanied  by  other  married  ladies,  and 
young  ladies  without  father  or  brother,  are  escorted  by  their  mothers  or 
chaperons.  Quadrilles  are  walked  through  quietly,  not  danced.  When  a 
gentleman  escorts  a  lady  home  from  a  ball,  she  does  not  invite  him  to  enter, 
and  if  she  does,  he  is  to  refuse.  In  entering  a  drawing-room  at  a  private 
party  or  ball,  the  visitor  bows  to  the  company.  In  a  public  ball  the  entrance 
is  not  noticed,  and  no  such  attention  is  required. 

A  gentleman  shoald  wear  white  kids  at  a  ball,  but  both  gentlemen  and 
ladies  remove  gloves  at  supper.  When  a  gentleman  escorts  a  lady  home 
from  a  ball  or  other  entertainment,  he  should  call  on  her  during  the  next 
day  or  evening.  It  is  impolite  to  give  a  lady  a  hasty  invitation  to  dance, 
and  hence  partners  should  always  be  engaged  beforehand.  To  wait  until 
the  signal  comes  for  the  dancers  to  take  their  places,  creates  confusion  and 
disorder.  No  well-bred  lady  or  gentleman  will  criticise  others  who  happen 
to  be  less  graceful  than  themselves,  or  who  have  some  peculiarity  which 
may  be  made  the  subject  of  satire, — nor  will  they  give  countenance  to  such 
rudeness  in  others.  The  rule  of  politeness  is  the  golden  rule,  and  nothing 
is  more  unkind,  nothing  inflicts  more  real  injury  than  ridicule. 

If  the  invitation  is  a  first  one,  and  the  hostess  is  not  occupied,  it  is  a 
graceful  thing  to  take  leave  of  her,  and  thank  her  for  the  pleasure  the  even- 
ing has  given  you ;  but  for  those  who  take  their  departure  before  the  music 
and  dancing  has  ceased,  unless  some  member  of  the  family  is  in  sight  and 
not  engaged,  all  formal  leave-taking  is  unnecessary,  it  being  a  real  kind- 
ness to  the  hostess  to  relieve  her  of  the  fatigue,  which  in  large  assemblies  is 
a  matter  for  every  thoughtful  person  to  consider.  It  is  not  best  to  be  the 
last  to  take  leave,  nor  is  it  polite  to  go  too  early,  so  as  to  appear  to  end  the 
entertainment  prematurely.  After  the  ball,  the  after-call  should  be  made 
promptly,  in  person  if  possible ;  if  not,  by  leaving  a  card  in  person,  or  at 
least  by  sending  it.  If  the  lady  encloses  her  card  for  a  reception  or  kettle- 
drum, with  the  invitation,  it  means  that  the  after-call  may  be  made  on  that 
day.  In  some  circles  the  time  within  which  an  after-call  may  be  made  is 
extended  even  to  two  weeks,  but  when  so  long  delayed  it  loses  its  signifi- 
cance as  an  acknowledgment  of  the  pleasure  conferred.  Those  who  have 
not  been  present  should  express  their  appreciation  of  the  offer  of  hospitality, 
and  regret  at  their  inability  to  be  present,  taking  care  not  to  make  the 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  135 

excess  of  their  regret  discredit   their  excuses.    A  profusion  of  thanks  and 
regrets  are  alike  in  bad  taste. 

The  preparations  for  "The  German"  do  not  differ  much  from  those 
necessary  for  a  party  or  ball.  The  awning  extended  to  the  street,  and  the 
carpet  for  the  sidewalk,  are  all  requisite  as  a  protection  to  ladies  in  full  dress 
in  passing  from  the  carriage  to  the  door.  The  carpets  should  also  have  their 
linen  covering  in  the  dancing  rooms,  from  which  all  furniture  should  be 
removed.  For  seats,  light  camp-chairs  may  be  provided,  which  may  be 
rented  from  an  upholsterer  for  the  occasion.  Of  course,  nobody  gives  a 
"  German  "  who  is  not  familiar  with  all  the  peculiar  requirements  of  such  a 
party,  and  which  are  outside  the  province  of  etiquette.  It  is  of  the  first 
importance  to  select  an  accomplished  leader,  as  the  success  of  the  evening 
depends  not  only  on  his  perfect  familiarity  with  the  figures,  but  on  his 
ability  to  lead  them.  Sometimes  the  leader  furnishes  the  properties,  which 
should  be  chosen  avoiding  ostentatious  display,  and  which  vary  with  each 
season,  but  the  hostess  is  expected  to  supply  the  small  boquets  to  be  used 
in  the  flower  figures.  The  hostess,  during  the '  evening,  is  particularly 
attentive  to  shy  or  unattractive  girls,  who  receive  a  noticeably  small  num- 
ber of  the  trifles,  and  quietly  provide  them  with  dances  that  will  make 
atonement  for  the  neglect.  Generally  the  early  part  of  the  evening  is  spent 
with  the  waltz,  with  "The  German"  after  supper.  The  card  follows  the 
form  given  for  a  ball : 

Mrs.  Lysander  Harcourt  requests  the  pleasure  of  your 
presence  on  Wednesday  Evening,  January  Seventh,  at 
half-past  nine  o'clock. 

The  German  at  Eleven.          1218  Second  Avenue. 

If  a  coterie  meets  for  the  practice  of  the  German,  it  is  customary  for  each 
lady  member,  in  turn,  to  invite  the  others  to  her  own  house,  with  such  a 
number  of  guests  as  the  regulations  of  the  society  permit,  selected  from  her 
own  circle  of  friends.  In  this  case  the  invitations  of  the  coterie  are  engraved 
in  blank,  and  issued  in  the  name  of  the  young  lady's  mother,  the  mono- 
gram of  the  society  appearing  on  the  envelope : 

Mrs 

requests  the  pleasure  of  your  presence  at  a  meeting 
of  "  The  German,"  Tuesday  Evening, 

at  half-past  eight  o'clock. 

The  after-call  is  made  within  ten  days  after  the  party,  or  on  the  regular 


136  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

reception  day  of  the  hostess,  if  she  has  such  appointed.    For  such  a  German 

as  this,  full  evening  toilet  should  be  worn  by  the  ladies  and  evening  dress  is 

» 
also  required  of  the  gentlemen. 

Opera  and  theatre  parties  are  often  given  by  bachelors  who  have  no 
homes  in  which  to  entertain  those  from  whom  they  have  received  social 
favors,  and  take  this  very  pleasant  way  of  cancelling  these  debts.  They  are 
also  given,  though  less  frequently,  by  families,  and  by  ladies.  In  any  case, 
they  are  elaborate  and  formal  affairs.  For  the  most  formal,  the  dinner  hour 
is  six  o'clock,  and  the  dinner  is  given  at  some  fashionable  hotel  or  restau- 
rant, or  in  the  house  of  some  friend  of  the  host.  On  leaving  the  table,  the 
party  proceeds  to  the  opera  in  carriages  furnished  by  the  host,  and  are  shown 
to  the  private  box  which  has  been  reserved  for  their  use.  After  the  opera  or 
play  is  over  the  guests  return  to  the  dinner-room  for  refreshments.  A  less 
formal  affair  includes  only  a  supper  after  the  opera.  In  the  former  case,  if 
given  by  a  bachelor,  he  first  selects  a  matron — probably  a  kinswoman  of  his 
own — and  then  calls  on  his  intended  guests,  inviting  them  in  person,  having 
first  asked  the  consent  of  the  mother  that  the  young  lady  may  be  his  guest, 
naming  the  matron  who  is  to  chaperon  the  ladies,  and  the  gentlemen  who 
will  be  present.  The  ladies  proceed  to  the  place  appointed  for  the  dinner  in 
their  own  carriages,  attended  by  father  or  brother,  or  in  the  absence  of 
these,  by  a  waiting- woman.  The  carriage  with  the  attendant  is  instructed 
to  return  to  the  same  place  at  the  hour  of  departure,  usually  half-past 
twelve.  The  host  assigns  to  each  gentleman  the  lady  whom  he  is  to  attend 
to  dinner,  and  whose  special  escort  he  is  to  be  during  the  remainder  of  the 
evening.  The  carriages  of  the  host  convey  the  guests  to  and  from  the  opera. 
After  refreshments,  the  party  separates,  each  gentleman  attending  the  lady 
whose  escort  he  is  to  her  carriage.  If  a  waiting-woman  has  arrived  with  it, 
he  attends  her  home,  but  if  her  father,  brother  or  kinsman  has  come  to 
attend  her  home,  his  duty  is  ended  when  she  has  reached  her  conveyance. 
Soon  after  the  party,  the  host  calls  upon  the  mother  and  daughter  to  thank 
them  for  the  pleasure  the  presence  of  his  lady  guest  gave  him,  while  the 
young  ladies  call  upon  the  matron  who  was  their  chaperon,  to  thank  her  for 
her  kindness.  It  is  the  chaperon's  duty  to  act  as  hostess  at  dinner  and 
throughout  the  evening. 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  137 

For  the  less  expensive  and  really  more  popular  party,  the  host  calls,  and 
after  the  offer  and  acceptance  of  his  invitation,  leave  entrance-tickets  to  the 
entertainment,  which  in  this  case  must  include  a  gentleman  who  is  a  mem- 
ber of  the  family  or  near  relative,  and  the  party  meet  first  in  the  box  assign- 
ed to  them,  and  after  the  opera  or  play  proceed  to  a  supper  which  has  been 
previously  ordered  for  them.  When  this  is  given  at  the  house  of  a  friend, 
dances  often  follow,  and  the  matron  decides  the  hour  for  departure.  The 
after-calls  are  imperative  for  this  as  well  as  the  more  elaborate  party. 

These  affairs,  while  they  lack  the  charm  of  domestic  hospitality,  are  less 
troublesome  to  host  and  hostess,  scarcely  more  expensive,  and  furnish  to 
bachelors  of  means  a  pleasant  method  of  paying  social  debts.  The  number 
for  these  parties  should  not  exceed  ten  or  twelve,  and  a  less  number  even  is 
to  be  preferred. 

A  lady  who  is  about  to  give  an  opera  party,  sends  out  informal  written 
invitations  in  her  oxwn  name.  These  must  be  answered  immediately, 
accepting  or  declining,  as  it  is  necessary  for  the  hostess  to  know  the  exact 
number  she  may  expect,  so  as  to  provide  seats  accordingly.  A  dinner  pre- 
cedes the  opera  and  the  hostess  may  invite  guests  to  a  restaurant  for  a  light 
after-repast,  but  she  oftener  invites  them  to  return  to  her  own  residence  for 
a  supper  of  dainties  suited  to  the  hour.  It  is  perfectly  proper,  however,  for 
her  to  excuse  herself  from  this  after  entertainment.  An  invitation  to  such 
a  party  must  be  acknowledged  by  the  usual  party  call. 

In  case  the  amusement  of  the  evening  is  to  be  private  theatricals,  or 
music,  or  partly  these  and  partly  dancing,  or  if  those  invited  are  to  wear 
fancy  dress,  the  line  in  the  lower,  left  hand  corner  indicates  what  may  be 
expected,  as  Theatricals;  or  Musicale;  or  Theatricals  at  half-past  eight 
o'clock;  or  Dancing  at  eleven;  or  Fancy  Dress;  or  Bal-Masque.  For  elabo- 
rate parties  of  this  kind  the  invitation  may  always  be  engraved,  and  in  this 
case  the  nature  of  the  amusement  may  appear  in  the  body  of  the  invitation, 
making  a  full  line.  It  is  impolite  for  those  who  accept  to  arrive  later  than 
the  hour  named. 

Invitations  to  an  author's  party  are  given  three  or  four  weeks  in 
advance,  to  give  time  to  refresh  the  memory  and  prepare  costumes^  If 
accepted,  guests  must  appear  in  some  character  of  the  book  or  auther  named. 


138  EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

The  invitation  is  given  in  the  name  of  the  host  and  hostess,  following  the 
usual  form  with  the  addition  of 

"  In  character  from  David  Copperfleld," 

or  whatever  book  or  author  has  been  selected  to  furnish  the  characters.  Of 
course,  books  should  be  chosen  with  which  people  generally  are  familiar, 
and  the  more  familiar  the  more  enjoyable  the  occasion. 

Verbal  invitations  to  a  formal  ball  or  party  are  cot  considered  courteous, 
except  among  relations  and  intimate  friends.  They  should  be  written  or 
engraved. 

It  is  always  impolite  to  invite  people  to  an  evening  entertainment  with- 
out giving,  in  some  way,  by  the  invitation  or  otherwise,  a  correct  idea  of  the 
character  of  it.  To  give  an  informal,  verbal  or  written  invitation  to  a 
reception  or  party  which  is  intended  to  be  formal,  is  misleading,  and  many 
would  find  themselves  uncomfortable  on  arrival,  on  account  of  not  being 
dressed  as  they  would  have  been  had  the  invitation  given  clearer  informa- 
tion. It  is  very  unpleasant  to  appear  in  full  dress  at  an  informal  party, 
when  others  are  in  demi-toilet,  and  equally  unpleasant  to  appear  in  demi- 
toilet  when  all  other  guests  are  in  the  gorgeous  array  of  full  evening  dress. 

If  the  number  of  guests  is  very  large,  it  is  a  convenience  to  have  the 
attendants  in  the  dressing-rooms  provided  with  numbered  tickets  or  checks, 
so  that  wraps  may  be  laid  away  in  order  and  easily  found  when  the  guest 
presents  his  number.  Ladies  will  find  a  neat  traveling  bag,  marked  with 
the  name,  in  which  to  place  wraps,  over-dress,  etc.,  both  a  convenience  and 
a  security  against  loss. 

A  gentleman  who  escorts  a  lady  to  a  party  or  ball  is  bound  to  see  that  she 
is  entertained ;  that  she  does  not  want  for  anything ;  that  she  has  an  escort 
to  supper.  If  she  is  not  his  mother,  wife,  or  sister,  it  is  proper  for  him,  when 
convenient,  to  escort  her  to  supper  himself,  unless  she  has  accepted  another 
invitation,  which  she  should  do  when  offered,  as  explained  elsewhere.  In 
the  latter  case,  the  gentleman  offers  his  escort  to  ladies  with  whom  he  may 
be  in  conversation,  or  with  whom  he  danced  last,  or  if  these  have  attend- 
ants, to  any  lady  who  is  yet  unprovided  for.  It  is  not  decorous  for  husband 
and  wife  to  seek  each  others  company  in  society,  nor  should  they  be  partners 
at  card  tables,  or,  as  a  rule,  in  the  dance.  The  reason  of  this  rule  is  appar- 
ent —  it  is  only  necessary  to  consider  what  would  be  the  state  of  things,  if 


EVENING  PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  139 

each  family  made  a  selfish  little  circle  of  its  own.  Such  a  thing  as  general 
social  enjoyment  at  a  party  would  be  impossible.  Members  of  a  family 
accept  an  invitation  out  to  meet  other  people,  not  to  enjoy  each  other's 
society,  for  they  could  do  that  better  at  home ;  and  any  exclusiveness  is  not 
only  selfish  and  ill-bred,  but  is  apt  to  be  set  down  as  pretense  —  a  show  of 
devotion  to  hoodwink  a  gullible  public.  It  is,  of  course,  a  duty  to  contribute 
in  every  possible  and  kindly  way  to  the  enjoyment  of  the  mother,  wife,  or 
sister.  Relationship  is  not  a  reason  for  neglect,  but  it  is  possible  to  exercise 
a  watchful  care,  and  yet  not  be  constantly  dancing  attendance. 

The  practice  of  offering  wine  at  party  dinners,  which  was  once  impera- 
tive, is  no  longer  indispensible ;  and  it  is  entirely  courteous  not  to  drink 
wine,  when  offered  at  a  friend's  table.  Any  ostentatious  refusal  or  parade 
of  conscientious  convictions,  would,  of  course,  be  offensive,  because  a  reflec- 
tion upon  the  hostess.  There  is  a  growing  class  in  society,  who,  without  the 
least  taint  of  fanaticism,  refuse  to  offer  or  to  take  wine,  on  the  ground  that 
the  use  of  it  "  may  cause  a  brother  to  offend,"  and  as  a  recognition  of  the 
great  evil  wrought  by  it,  not  only  upon  men,  but  upon  innocent  women  and 
children.  Whenever  the  young  or  the  weak  are  likely  to  suffer  harm,  every 
rule  of  kindness  and  courtesy  would  forbid  the  use  of  wine ;  and  every  well- 
bred  man  and  woman  would  respect  the  motive  which  banished  it. 

Let  cynics  rail  at  parties  and  balls  as  follies  of  society,  which  they 
despise  because  they  are  incapable  of  enjoying  them:  but  there  remain 
many  young  men  and  women,  and  hosts  of  young  old  people  to  whom  life 
has  not  yet  become  a  burden,  who  recognize  the  charm  of  a  scene  brilliant 
with  beauty  and  fashion,  the  very  air  redolent  with  the  perfume  of  flowers, 
and  alive  with  the  melody  of  entrancing  music.  These  will,  while  they  live, 

"  Love  to  go  and  mingle  with  the  young, 

In  the  gay,  festal  room,  where  every  heart 

Is  beating  faster  than  the  merry  tune; 

And  their  bright  eyes  are  restless,  and  their  lips 

Parted  with  eager  joy,  and  their  round  cheeks 

Flush'd  with  the  beautiful  motion  of  the  dance." 


AND 


"  Without  good  company,  all  dainties 

Lose  their  true  relish,  and,  like  painted  grapes, 

Are  only  seen,  not  tasted." 

One-half  the  vast  machinery  of  life  is  set  in  motion  that  mankind  may 
be  fed.  "What  shall  we  eat?"  and  "  What  shall  we  drink?"  are  questions 
that  demand  prompt  answers,  and  present  problems,  the  solution  of  which 
absorbs  so  much  of  the  time  of  that  intellectual  animal,  man,  that  it  has 
been  the  study  of  centuries  to  elevate  the  pleasures  of  the  table  out  of  the 
merely  animal  into  a  higher  realm.  In  the  interest  of  the  body  as  \vell  as 
the  mind,  the  grosser  has  been  eliminated  as  civilization  has  advanced ;  the 
family  table  has  been  made  bright  with  the  sweetest  of  domestic  graces,  and 
grander  occasions  have  become  feasts  of  reason  as  well  as  of  more  material 
viands.  It  is  said  that  the  social  progress  of  a  community  is  in  exact  pro- 
portion to  the  number  of  its  dinner  parties ;  and,  in  all  ages,  friendships  of 
nations,  as  well  as  of  individuals,  have  been  cemented,  and  enmities  for- 
gotten, in  the  allurements  of  dining.  Napoleon,  who  knew  men,  nnderstood 
this,  and  willingly  paid  for  the  costly  feasts  given  by  Cambaceres,  who  was 
at  once  a  distinguished  statesman  and  gourmand. 

The  origin  of  dinner-eating  is  coeval  with  the  creation  of  man.  Dinner- 
giving,  however,  is  the  later  product  of  advanced  civilization.  London, 
Paris,  Vienna,  Berlin,  and  other  cities  of  refinement,  retain  their  pre-emi- 
nence by  virtue  mainly  of  these  daily  banquets.  Abolish  these,  and  you 
extinguish  the  friendly  relationship  of  nations,  the  intimate  intercourse  of 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  141 

the  cultivated  and  refined,  render  the  "feast  of  reason  and  flow  of  soul " 
impossible,  and  arrest  the  progress  of  society.  It  is  unquestionable  that 
more  enduring  alliances  have  been  struck  by  diplomatists  across  the  mahog- 
any, than  were  ever  agreed  upon  in  ministerial  cabinets.  Talleyrand  re- 
garded the  dinner-table  as  the  best  place  for  the  transaction  of  business ;  and 
while  he  himself  was  planted  there,  he  could  safely  leave  the  rest  to  his 
subordinates  and  scribes  in  the  office.  Who  can  doubt  that  much  of  the 
culture  of  the  world,  with  all  its  elements  of  refined  manners,  intellectual 
converse,  and  taste  for  science,  literature  and  the  arts,  is  largely  dependent 
upon  the  social  gatherings  at  the  dinner-tables  of  the  metropolitan  cities  ? 
Trace  the  career  of  any  of  the  notable  men  of  the  world,  and  mark  how 
often  true  genius  is  seen  to  sparkle  at  the  convivial  board.  How  much  we 
should  lose,  for  example,  of  Johnson,  Garrick,  Reynolds,  Sheridan,  Sydney 
Smith,  or  Theodore  Hook,  if  deprived  of  their  company  at  dinner.  The 
general  tone  of  science,  literature,  the  fine  arts,  and  taste,  is  unquestionably 
sustained  by  metropolitan  social  intercourse.  If  dinner  giving,  in  its  Cap- 
itols, were  abolished,  all  Europe,  we  believe,  wonld  relapse  into  barbarism. 
In  seeking  for  evidence  of  American  progress  in  refinement,  we  should 
count  the  number  of  daily  dinner-parties,  over  the  great  increase  of  which, 
of  late,  there  is  reason  to  congratulate,  not  only  all  lovers  of  good  cheer,  but 
all  friends  of  their  country. 

From  the  dawn  of  civilization  cooks  have  been  held  in  honor.  All  the 
classic  nations  of  antiquity,  except  the  Spartans,  were  fond  of  luxurious 
banquets,  and  a  Sybarite  who  once  tasted  of  the  black  broth  which,  with  a 
bread  that  required  a  hammer  to  break  it,  made  up  the  rigorous  diet  of  the 
Spartans,  remarked  that  he  "no  longer  wondered  that  the  Lacedaemons 
sought  death  in  battle,  seeing  that  such  a  fate  was  preferable  to  life  with 
their  detestable  broth."  Antony  displayed  delicate  taste  in  his  dinners,  if 
not  in  his  amours,  and  gave  his  cook  a  city,  because  his  dishes  pleased  "the 
dark  sorceress  of  the  Nile."  The  Bourbons  have  always  been  epicures. 
The  era  of  Louis  XIV  and  Louis  XV  was  the  golden  age  of  cooking  in  France. 
It  was  then  that  Vatel,  the  famous  cook  of  the  Prince  of  Conde  stabbed  him- 
self dead  with  a  sword-thrust  because  the  cod-fish  came  too  late  to  be 
dressed  for  a  state  banquet.  Then  even  royalty  itself  was  proud  to  origihate 
a  new  dish  in  cookery,  and  it  was  Madame  de  Maintenon  who  invented 


142  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

curl-paper  cutlets,  which  yet  bear  her  name,  because  the  dyspeptic  stomach 
of  her  monarch  would  not  endure  grease,  which  the  paper  absorbed  from 
within  and  kept  from  contact  without.  Louis  XVIII  was  just  about  to  taste 
a  new  soup  which  he  had  invented,  when  the  news  came  to  him  that 
Napoleon  had  escaped  from  Elba.  Literature  and  cookery  have  always  had 
an  intimate  connection  since  the  days  of  Cadmus,  who  introduced  letters 
into  Greece  and  was  cook  to  the  king  of  Sidon.  It  is  truly  a  being  of  fine 
texture  of  soul  and  body,  whose  palate  responds  to  delicate  flavors  as  the 
trained  ear  responds  to  melodious  music.  Stewart,  the  essayist  and 
philosopher,  ranks  accomplished  cooks  with  great  poets,  and  the  intellect- 
ual giants  who  "  like  torches,  have  consumed  themselves  for  the  enlighten- 
ment of  mankind,"  were  nearly  all  fond  of  good  living.  Shakespeare's  first 
recorded  trouble  began  from  his  hankering  after  Sir  Thomas  Lucy's  venison, 
and  he  ate  many  a  jolly  dinner  with  "  rare  Ben.  Johnson  "  at  the  Mermaid. 
Everybody  has  read  Charles  Lamb's  dissertation  on  roast  pig,  and  even  Dr. 
Johnson  sneers  at  weak  and  careless  people  "  who  have  a  foolish  way  of  not 
minding  or  pretending  not  to  mind  what  they  eat,"  and  thinks  that  he  who 
will  not  mind  his  stomach  "will  hardly  mind  anything  else."  His  own 
favorite  dish  was  veal-pie.  Lord  Bacon,  who  was  fonder  of  dainties  than  of 
philosophy,  took  his  death  of  cold  in  stuffing  a  capon  with  snow,  and 
Lucullus,  who  led  the  armies  of  Rome  to  victory  in  scores  of  battles  with 
barbarian  hordes,  now  and  then  flourished  the  ladle  triumphantly  in  his 
own  kitchen. 

And  so  the  table  has  come  to  figure  in  every  age  and  among  all  peoples 
in  every  phase  of  hospitality.  The  modern  dinner-table  has  all  the  real  re- 
finements of  its  Greek  prototype  with  an  improved  cuisine.  Now  women, 
who  seldom  appeared  at  formal  dinners  before  the  time  of  Charlemagne, 
monopolize  the  arts  of  the  toilet,  and  men  no  longer  adorn  their  heads  with 
garlands  of  flowers,  or  anoint  their  bodies  with  fragrant  ointment,  or  recline 
amid  silken  pillows  on  pearl  and  ivory  couches,  while  slaves  fan  them  with 
peacocks'  feathers  and  swing  perfumed  censers  through  the  air  already 
redolent  of  sweets ;  nor  do  they  now  dine  to  the  soothing  strains  of  the  flute, 
while  they  take  glances,  between  courses,  at  the  beauty  and  grace  of  ballet- 
dancers.  And  yet  the  modern  diner-out  is  master  of  the  same  arts  of  ease 
and  repose  which  distinguished  the  best  blood  of  Greece  and  Rome ;  and 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  143 

even  the  shoddy  hospitality  of  Nero,  who  expended  twelve  thousand  dollars 
for  flowers  at  one  feast,  and  of  Cleopatra,  who  waded  with  Mark  Antony  to 
her  dinner  through  roses  strewn  a  foot  deep  over  the  floor  of  her  banquet- 
hall,  has  found  weak  imitators  in  this  age  of  sudden  wealth. 

In  its  bill-of-fare  might  be  read  the  history  of  an  unknown  civilization. 
The  forms  and  conventionalties  of  a  banquet,  and  even  its  dishes,  mark  all 
the  grades  from  the  subtle  niceties  of  a  refined  taste  to  the  lowest  grade  of 
barbarism.  Our  forefathers  served  soup  in  huge  tureens,  and  brought  in 
fish  on  great  platters,  with  heads  on,  mouths  gaping,  and  great  round  white 
eyes.  Afterward  came  the  crisp,  brown  roast-pig,  set  up  on  all  fours  with 
its  open  mouth  holding  an  ear  of  corn  to  resemble  life.  Then  the  host  must 
needs  be  a  skillful  carver,  and  as  the  plates  were  piled  again  and  again, 
each  guest  was  urged  to  eat  to  repletion;  and  to  refuse  to  drink  to  the  health 
of  this  person  and  that,  as  the  glasses  were  filled  to  the  brim,  was  little  less 
than  insult.  Such  customs  were  in  vogue  within  the  memory  of  those  now 
living;  but  the  modern  dinner  is  shorn  of  grossness  and  excessive  hospital- 
ity, and  there  is  evident  the  same  tendency  to  greater  simplicity,  which  is 
noticeable  in  all  social  customs  of  the  time. 

The  rules  which  regulate  dinner-giving  and  dining,  in  America,  have 
been  adopted  from  both  England  and  France,  as  they  have  been  found  to  fit 
our  social  conditions ;  and  the  dinner-giver  who  attempts  to  be  original  is 
likely  to  fail,  because  he  disturbs  the  harmony  which  established  customs 
ensure.  The  path  of  safety  here,  as  in  all  social  matters,  is  the  beaten  track. 
The  first  consideration,  when  a  dinner  has  been  decided  on,  is  a  discreet 
selection  of  guests.  It  is  an  old  saying  that  the  number  should  never  be 
more  than  the  Muses,  (nine,)  nor  less  than  the  Graces  (three).  Brillat 
Savarin,  an  eminent  French  writer,  says:  "Let  not  the  number  of  your 
guests  exceed  twelve."  Thirteen  is  regarded  as  an  ominous  number,  in 
every  land  in  Christendom,  and  there  are  superstitious  people  who  would 
not  sit  at  the  table  when  thirteen  were  present,  from  the  belief  that  one 
would  die  within  a  year.  The  fatal  effect  attributed  to  this  number  doubt- 
less arose  from  the  scene  at  the  last  supper  of  the  Savior,  when  he  said, 
"  This  night  one  of  you  shall  betray  me."  The  proper  limit,  as  to  numbers, 
will  be  decided  by  the  good  sense  of  the  host  and  hostess,  the  size  of  the 
table  and  dining-room  being  the  important  consideration.  If  a  series  of 


144  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

entertainments  are  to  be  given,  groups  should  be  made  up  from  the  list  of 
intended,  guests,  with  the  aim  to  bring  together  such  as  are  of  equal  intel- 
lectual attainments,  without  regard  to  social  conditions.  What  is  wanted 
is  a  group  of  guests  who  will  affect  each  other  pleasantly,  either  by  positive 
sympathies  or  agreeable  contrasts.  The  dinner  is  more  especially  appropri- 
ate for  the  married,  but  young  people  add  a  certain  charm  that  comes  only 
by  the  mingling  of  different  ages.  The  guests  need  not  be  friends,  nor  even 
acquaintances;  the  important  thing  is  that  they  be  congenial,  because  of 
common  tastes  and  sympathies.  Good  talkers  are  invaluable,  and  good 
listeners  indispensable.  The  manner  in  which  conversation  is  sustained  is 
the  test  of  success,  unless  the  host  is  such  an  epicure  that  he  fears  an 
animated  conversation,  lest  his  guests  may  not  fully  taste  and  appreciate  the 
delicacy  of  his  dainty  dishes.  Embarassing  halts  and  dead  pauses  in  con- 
versation, mean  that  guests  are  not  en  rapport,  while  a  steady  flow  of  talk 
is  proof  that  they  were  wisely  chosen. 

The  invitations  are  issued  in  the  name  of  the  host  and  hostess,  one  week 
to  ten  days  in  advance.  They  are  sent  by  messenger,  and  should  be  ans- 
wered by  post  only  when  the  distance  is  so  great  as  to  make  it  inconvenient 
to  send  a  trusty  servant,  and  must  be  answered  as  soon  as  received.  No 
formal  invitation  requires  more  promptness,  and  the  engagement  once  made 
must  be  kept  sacredly,  as  the  non-arrival  of  a  guest  means  an  empty  chair,  a 
lady  without  an  escort,  or  a  gentleman  without  the  lady.  If  in  doubt,  it  is 
better  to  decline,  but  if  an  invitation  has  been  accepted,  and  an  insurmount- 
able obstacle  intervenes,  an  explanation  must  be  made  at  once,  so  that  the 
vacant  place  in  the  little  circle  may  be  filled. 

Those  who  entertain  much  often  use  an  engraved  card,  the  name  of  the 
host  and  hostess  occupying  one  line,  followed  by  the  request  in  smaller 
script,  with  blank  for  the  name  of  guests,  while  below  are  other  blanks  for 
the  day  and  hour  of  the  dinner.  The  following  is  the  form : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Howard  Holland 
request  the  pleasure  of 


company  at  dinner. 
On 

at  seven  o'clock. 
19  Henderson  Avenue. 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  145 

The  day  of  the  week  and  the  hour  are  written  in  full,  but  figures  may  be 
used  for  the  day  of  the  month.  The  word  "company"  is  used  in  dinner 
invitations,  but  "  presence"  is  in  better  form  for  wedding  parties  and  balls. 
If  the  invitation  is  printed  on  note  paper,  a  monogram  may  appear  on  the 
sheet,  but  if  on  a  card  the  device  is  used  only  on  an  envelope. 

If  the  dinner  is  given  in  honor  of  some  friend  or  stranger,  a  second  card  is 
enclosed  in  the  envelope  with  the  invitation,  on  which  is  inscribed, 

To  meet 

Mr.  Paul  De  Vere, 
of  Baltimore. 

If  the  dinner  is  to  be  a  very  formal  and  grand  affair,  in  honor  of  some 
distinguished  person,  the  name  of  the  honored  guest  is  engraved  on  the  in- 
vitations, which  are  sent  out  eight  or  days  in  advance  of  the  time  appointed. 
The  form  is  then  something  like  the  following: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Howard  Holland 
request  the  pleasure  of 


company  at  dinner  on  Monday,  January  26th,  at  seven 
o'clock,  to  meet  the 

Hon.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Sample. 
19  Henderson  avenue. 

The  following  is  a  good  form  for  an  acceptance,  which  must  be  sent 
immediately : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Porter  accept  with  pleasure  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Howard  Holland's  invitation  to  dinner,  at 
seven  o'clock,  Wednesday,  January  26th. 

In  an  acceptance  of  a  dinner  invitation,  the  hour  and  day  named  should 
be  repeated  from  it,  to  avoid  any  possibility  of  mistake,  which  is  likely  to 
occur  if  the  invitations  are  written  or  printed  in  blank  and  filled  with  the 
pen. 

The  form  of  a  refusal  does  not  differ  from  that  used  for  other  entertain- 
ments, but  it  should  also  be  sent  immediately  on  the  reception  of  the  invi- 
tation, a  "  regret "  requiring  to  be  sent  even  more  promptly  than  an  accept- 
ance. The  following  is  in  accordance  with  the  best  usage: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Harrison 

regret  that  the  sudden  illness  of  their  son  (or  whatever 
the  reason  may  be),  prevents  the  acceptance  of  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Howard  Holland's  invitation  for  Tuesday  evening, 
January  25th 


146  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

If  the  note  of  reply  has  a  black  border,  that  is  sufficient  explanation ;  but 
it  is  more  courteous,  in  most  other  circumstances,  to  name  some  reason 
which  will  give  force  to  the  expression  of  disappointment  which  the  form 
of  the  invitation  is  meant  to  convey.  There  may  be  reasons  for  not  accept- 
ing, however,  of  a  nature  not  to  be  mentioned,  and  a  hostess  is  bound  to 
accept  a  regret  as  given  for  good  and  sufficient  reasons,  unless  there  is  proof 
to  the  contrary.  There  may  be  cases,  too,  when  the  intimacy  of  the  parties 
makes  an  informal  note  of  regret  more  courteous  than  a  formal  one,  because 
expressing  more  fully  the  real  disappointment  felt  at  not  being  able  to  enjoy 
the  offered  hospitality. 

Guests  should  arrive  five  to  ten  minutes  before  the  dinner  hour.  This 
interval  gives  time  for  introductions  and  greetings,  and  for  the  assignment 
of  escorts  to  the  table.  Earlier,  the  hostess  might  not  be  ready  to  receive. 
To  delay  beyond  the  hour  appointed  is  unpardonable  rudeness.  Thackeray 
has  marked  down  his  "hatred,  scorn  and  indignation  towards  those  miser- 
able snobs  who  come  to  dinner  at  nine,  when  they  are  asked  at  eight,  in 
order  to  make  a  sensation."  Fifteen  minutes  is  the  longest  time  a  hostess  is 
required  to  wait  for  a  tardy  comer,  and  further  delay  would  be  a  rudeness  to 
guests  who  were  considerate  enough  to  be  punctual.  On  arrival,  a  gentle- 
man is  handed  a  tray  with  cards,  among  which  he  finds  one  containing  his 
own  name  with  that  of  the  lady  whom  he  is  to  escort  to  dinner,  or  perhaps 
a  card  containing  the  two  names,  is  enclosed  in  an  envelope  bearing  his 
address.  Sometimes  the  tray  is  left  upon  the  hall  table,  and  from  it  each 
gentleman  takes  the  card  addressed  to  him,  or  it  may  be  that  a  servant 
hands  each  gentleman  his  envelope  just  as  he  is  ready  to  enter  the  drawing- 
room.  The  gentleman,  after  greeting  the  hostess,  seeks  the  lady  whose 
escort  he  is  to  be,  if  she  is  an  acquaintance ;  if  not,  he  asks  the  host  to  intro- 
duce him  to  her.  Guests  should  also  request  to  be  introduced  to  any  mem- 
bers of  the  family  with  whom  they  are  not  acquainted,  and  to  the  guest  in 
whose  honor  the  dinner  is  given.  If  the  party  is  small,  the  hostess,  in 
receiving  a  gentleman,  may  name  his  partner  at  dinner,  the  host  presenting 
him  when  necessary,  or  the  host  may  assign  to  each  gentleman  the  lady 
whom  he  is  to  escort  to  the  table.  It  is  also  usual  to  name  to  guests  the  side 
of  the  table  at  which  their  seats  will  be  found,  to  avoid  confusion  and 
.awkwardness  in  finding  places.  On  the  plate  of  each  lady  and  gentleman 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  147 

plain  or  ornamented,  according  to  the  taste  of  the  hostess  or  the  grandeur  of 
the  occasion,  is  a  card  containing  the  name,  and  beneath  it  is  the  Menu  card, 
if  the  dinner  is  formal  enough  to  make  one  necessary.  In  these  latter, 
artistic  taste,  pure  and  grotesque,  and  invention  have  full  play.  Japanese 
designs  are  very  popular,  and  the  latest  novelty  is  small  menu  cards,  with 
landscape  designs  done  by  hand,  in  sienna.  Some  of  them  are  real  works  of 
art  done  by  capable  artists,  and  are  expensive.  If  the  bill  of  fare  be  written 
it  must  be  done  with  elegance  and  correctness,  and  for  this  the  services  of  a 
professional  writer  are  usually  obtained. 

To  give  a  formal  dinner  with  ease  and  grace  it  is  necessary  first  to  estab- 
lish a  home  habit  of  observing  the  simple  customs  that  make  the  table  so 
charming.  Nothing  is  such  a  test  of  good  breeding  as  behavior  at  the  table. 
A  man  may  dress  in  perfect  taste,  and  appear  a  gentleman  on  the  streets 
and  in  public  places,  and  yet  in  the  neglect  of  the  hundred  little  things 
that  go  to  make  up  perfect  manners,  allow  his  boorishness  to  betray  him  at 
dinner.  Customs  of  society  are  adopted  to  enable  us  to  be  more  agreeable,  or 
shall  we  say,  less  disagreeable,  to  our  friends.  Some  persons  are  so  mor- 
bidly sensitive,  that  even  slight  improprieties  create  disgust,  and  every 
gentleman  is  bound  to  respect  their  sensitiveness  and  avoid  giving  pain, 
whether  in  sympathy  with  the  feeling  or  not.  Every  dinner  ought  to  be  as 
good  as  possible,  and  as  taste  costs  no  money  and  little  time,  there  is  no 
reason  why  the  most  modest  meal  should  not  be  neatly  spread,  and  served 
with  the  ceremonies  which  apply  to  more  formal  occasions,  so  far  as  they 
are  applicable  and  add  to  the  charm  of  the  occasion.  The  plainest  room 
may  be  made  beautiful  by  taste,  and  the  homeliest  fare  appetizing  by  neat- 
ness and  skill.  Little  attentions  to  decoration  and  pretty  arrangement 
charm  the  eye  and  whet  the  appetite,  and  make  the  home  table  a  powerful 
refining  influence,  while  the  every-day  observance  of  sensible  and  simple 
table  manners,  promotes  comfort  and  culture,  and  takes  the  pain  of  embar- 
rassment out  of. state  occasions.  Mrs.  Henderson,  in  her  admirable  book 
on  "Dinner  Giving,"  says:  "If  one  has  nothing  for  dinner  but  soup,  hash 
and  lettuce,  put  them  on  the  table  in  style,  serve  them  in  three  courses,  and 
one  will  imagine  it  a  much  better  dinner  than  if  carelessly  served.  T.he 
dishes  themselves  taste  better ;  moreover,  the  cook  takes  more  pride  and  is 
more  particular  to  have  the  articles  well  cooked,  and  present  a  better 


148  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

appearance,  where  each  dish  is  in  this  way  subjected  to  a  special  regard ; 
and  is  it  not  always  preferable  to  have  a  few  well-cooked  dishes  to  many 
indifferently  and  carelessly  prepared  ?  At  the  same  time,  each  dish  is  in 
its  perfection,  hot  from  the  fire,  and  ready  to  be  eaten  at  once ;  then,  again, 
one  has  the  benefit  of  the  full  flavor  of  the  dish,  without  mingling  it  with  a 
multiplicity  of  others.  There  is  really  very  little  extra  work  in  being  abso- 
lutely methodical  in  every  day  living.  With  this  habit  there  ceases  to  be 
any  anxiety  in  entertaining.  There  is  nothing  more  distressing  to  a  dinner 
company  than  to  see  a  hostess  ill  at  ease,  or  to  detect  an  interchange  of 
nervous  glances  between  her  and  the  servants.  A  host  and  hostess  seem 
insensibly  to  control  the  feelings  of  all  the  guests,  it  matters  not  how  many 
there  may  be.  In  well-appointed  houses,  not  a  word  is  spoken  at  dinner 
between  hostess  and  attendants.  What  necessity  where  the  servants  are  in 
the  daily  practice  of  their  duties!" 

In  every  house,  great  or  small,  the  dining-room  should  be  as  bright,  neat 
and  cosey  as  possible,  and  at  the  table  the  mistress,  particularly,  should 
wear  her  brightest  smile.  Trials  and  troubles  should  never  be  allowed  to 
shadow  the  table.  They  impair  digestion,  and  send  people  away  glum  and 
gloomy,  instead  of  refreshed  and  strengthened. 

There  are  two  distinct  methods  of  serving  a  dinner,  the  French  and  the 
Russian ;  the  former  being  the  ordinary  mode,  the  various  dishes  being  set 
on  the  table,  just  as  they  come  from  the  cook,  to  be  carved  or  served  by 
host  and  hostess,  and  handed  to  the  guests  by  servants;  while  the  latter  is 
now  adopted  for  all  formal  dinners,  where  the  number  of  guests  is  large, 
and  in  all  cases  where  the  host  is  not  a  skillful  carver.  Its  advantage  is 
that  it  leaves  both  host  and  hostess  almost  as  free  as  the  guests,  to  guide 
and  take  part  in  conversation,  transferring  the  burden  of  serving  to  servants 
and  waiters.  The  English  set  all  the  dishes  of  each  course  on  the  table  at 
once,  and  then  those  which  are  to  be  carved  are  removed  to  a  side  table, 
and  there  carved  by  a  skillful  servant.  In  the  Russian  plan,  the  table  is 
decorated  by  placing  the  dessert  around  a  centrepiece  of  flowers,  and  this 
gives  opportunity  for  the  display  of  taste  and  ingenuity  in  ornamentation, 
to  the  delight  of  the  eye  as  well  as  the  satisfaction  of  the  palate.  Each  dish 
which  constitutes  a  separate  course,  is  brought  to  the  table  ready  carved, 
and  only  one  vegetable  is  allowed  with  each  course  unless  it  is  used  simply 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  149 

for  garnishing.    The  plates  of  soup  are  generally  placed  on  the  table  before 
dinner  is  announced. 

For  formal  dinners  the  round  table,  from  five  to  seven  feet  in  diameter,  is 
best  when  the  party  is  small,  as  conversation  then  easily  becomes  general. 
The  extension  table,  about  four  feet  wide,  and  of  any  length  desired,  is  more 
commonly  used  from  its  easy  adaptation  to  a  party  of  greater  or  less  num- 
bers. The  table  cloth  must  be  white  and  spotless,  and  under  it  should  be 
spread  a  thick  baize  or  other  cloth,  which  makes  the  table  less  noisy,  softer 
and  more  agreeable  to  the  touch,  and  gives  a  rich  and  heavy  appearance  to 
linen,  which  would  look  thin  and  sleazy  without  it.  Napkins  should  never 
be  starched.  They  should  be  of  fine  texture  and  at  the  same  time  thick 
enough  to  be  firm.  They  should  be  folded  square,  any  fanciful  shape  having 
a  mussed  appearance,  suggestive  of  the  boarding  house  and  previous  use. 
The  dishes  should  be  scrupulously  clean,  well-kept  and  free  from  nicks,  and 
the  silver  perfectly  bright.  No  ornament  on  a  table  is  so  pretty  and  refined 
as  flowers,  but  they  should  not  be  used  in  too  great  profusion,  nor  should 
those  be  chosen  which  have  a  powerful  perfume.  A  mere  hint  of  the  odor 
of  blossoms  in  the  air  is  enough.  No  costly  epergne  is  necessary  to  display 
them.  A  raised  dish,  filled  with  cut  flowers,  or  even  a  flower-pot  with 
blossoming  plants,  if  used  with  judgment  and  taste,  may  be  transformed 
into  a  centerpiece  of  rare  beauty.  A  little  boquet  of  flowers  in  a  delicate 
glass  or  silver  boquet-holder,  laid  at  the  plate  of  each  lady,  and  three  or  four 
flowers  folded  in  a  bunch  and  rolled  in  the  napkin  of  each  gentleman,  to  be 
taken  out  and  placed  on  the  left  lappel  of  the  coat  on  taking  his  seat,  com- 
plete the  floral  decorations.  Fruit  in  variety  and  seasonable,  tastefully 
arranged  with  green  leaves,  and  surrounded  by  choice  dessert  dishes,  of 
which  there  should  be  two  or  four,  are  placed  around  the  centerpiece,  which 
should  not  be  high  enough  to  hide  persons  sitting  opposite  from  each  other. 
Beside  each  plate  are  placed  as  many  knives,  forks,  and  spoons  as  will  be 
needed  in  all  the  courses  (unless  the  dinner  is  very  elaborate,  or  the  lady 
prefers  to  have  them  brought  with  each  new  plate,  which  makes  more  work 
and  confusion),  a  glass  for  water  and  the  glasses  for  wine  when  wine  is  to  be 
used.  There  should  also  be  provided  a  salt-cellar,  and  for  every  three  or 
four  persons,  a  water-carafe,  and  near  it  a  glass  or  china  dish  filled  -with 
chopped  ice.  The  napkin,  neatly  folded,  is  placed  on  the  plate  so  as  to  half 


150  DJNNEBS  AND  DINING. 

conceal  a  piece  of  bread  an  inch  thick  and  three  inches  long,  or  a  cold  roll. 
If  water-carafes  are  not  used,  the  glasses  should  be  filled  with  water  just 
before  the  announcement  of  dinner. 

All  the  plates  needed  are  counted  out,  and  such  as  are  filled  with  ready- 
prepared  desert  dishes  are  set  in  a  convenient  place.  Dishes  that  need  to  be 
kept  warm  only,  not  hot,  are  left  on  the  top  shelf  of  the  range  or  elsewhere, 
so  they  will  be  warm  when  presented.  The  desert-plates  should  be  set  out, 
each  with  doiley  and  finger-glass,  the  latter  half  filled  with  wrarm  water,  in 
which  floats  a  slice  of  lemon,  or  a  geranium  leaf,  or  a  sprig  of  lemon  ver- 
bena. Under  the  finger-glass  colored  fruit  napkins  are  sometimes  used,  but 
oftener  fancy  net-work  mats,  which  are  intended  simply  to  protect  the  deco- 
rated dessert-plates  from  injury  by  the  glasses. 

In  France,  everything,  each  vegetable  even,  is  served  as  a  separate  course, 
u:\less  used  as  a  garnish,  but  the  English  and  Americans  serve  at  least  one 
vegetable  with  each  substantial  course.  At  small  dinners  the  host,  if  a 
graceful  carver,  may  exercise  that  useful  accomplishment,  and  the  dinner 
seems  the  more  hospitable  and  home-like  for  it ;  but  if  he  carves  awkwardly, 
or  the  large  number  makes  it  a  burden,  it  is  belter  that  the  carving  should 
be  done  by  a  servant. 

In  case  no  expert  carver  is  at  hand,  and  the  task  is  too  serious  for  the 
host  to  undertake,  the  dinner  may  be  served  from  the  side  in  the  pure  Rus- 
sian mode.  The  table  is  decorated  with  flowers,  fruits,  and  desserts.  A 
plate  is  set  before  each  person,  and  the  dish,  prettily  decorated  and  neatly 
carved,  is  presented  by  the  servant  at  the  left  of  each  guest,  who  helps  him- 
self. At  the  end  of  the  course,  these  plates  are  removed,  replaced  by  others, 
and  the  next  course  passed  in  the  same  way,  leaving  the  host  no  more  to  do 
than  the  guest.  The  courses  may  all  be  served  in  this  way,  or  an  exception 
may  be  made  of  desert,  or  such  dishes  as  the  hostess  may  wish  to  retain  as 
an  ornament  to  the  table,  and  which  are  not  difficult  to  serve.  It  is  the 
duty  of  some  one  stationed  in  the  kitchen  to  carve  and  properly  decorate  the 
dishes.  When  servants  are  not  at  hand  who  can  carve  skillfully,  the  dinner 
should  be  made  accordingly  of  birds,  chops,  or  other  meats  which  do  not 
require  cutting. 

If  not  served  from  the  side,  the  dishes  to  be  served  are  placed  before  the 
host  or  hostess,  just  beyond  the  pile  of  plates.  The  plates  are  served,  placed 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  151 

upon  the  waiter's  small  salver,  and  set  by  him  before  the  guest.  If  a  second 
dish  is  served  in  the  course,  the  waiter  presents  the  dish,  having  first  put  in 
it  a  spoon,  at  the  left  of  the  guest,  who  helps  himself.  As  soon  as  any  one 
has  finished  a  plate,  it  is  removed  without  waiting  for  others  to  finish. 
When  all  the  plates  are  removed,  the  next  course  is  brought  on.  The  crumb 
brush  is  not  used  until  just  before  dessert,  and  after  that  is  served,  his  serv- 
ices being  no  longer  necessary,  the  waiter  leaves  the  room. 

It  is  a  mistake  to  suppose  that  the  most  elaborate  and  costly  dinners  are 
the  most  enjoyable.  Indeed,  the  expensive  dinners  given  by  princely  Amer- 
icans, which  consume  four  or  five  hours  time,  are  not  only  extravagant,  but 
have  a  savor  of  ostentatious  "  shoddy."  Costly  dinners  are  not  necessarily 
good  dinners,  while  the  dining  room  maybe  so  cheery,  the  table  so  taste- 
fully spread,  the  welcome  so  frank,  and  the  conversation  so  bright,  that  a 
very  simple  dinner  is  indescribably  charming,  and  the  very  perfection  of 
hospitality.  There  is  an  old  saw  which  defines  a  good  dinner  as  consisting 
of  "fish,  flesh,  fowl,  and  good  salt  herring."  If  we  make  "flesh"  include 
all  edible  flesh  except  game  birds,  "fowl"  to  mean  game  birds  only,  and 
"  good  salt  herring  "  to  signify  whatever  is  pungent,  including  the  whole  list 
of  salads,  and  bear  in  mind  that  soup  precedes  dinner  and  dessert  follows  it, 
the  definition  is  comprehensive.  Everything  beyond  this  is  like  variations 
in  a  good  old  tune,  the  original  may  be  obscured  to  the  untrained  ear,  but  it 
is  still  the  ground  work.  For  instance,  before  the  dining-room  is  opened, 
five  small  raw  oysters  (on  the  deep  side  of  the  shell  so  as  to  retain  the  liquor) 
are  placed  before  each  plate.  If  the  season  is  warm,  they  should  be  set  on 
cracked  ice,  with  a  quarter  of  a  lemon  to  each  plate.  When  oysters  are  not 
in  season,  small  round  clams  may  be  substituted,  in  which  case  red  pepper 
should  be  provided.  After  fish  has  been  served,  patties  or  bits  of  toast,  with 
mushrooms  and  brown  sauce,  or  some  similar  trifle,  is  in  order.  These  are 
placed  on  the  plates  before  handing  them.  When  more  than  one  meat  is 
served,  the  most  substantial  comes  first.  A  filet  of  beef  may  be  followed 
by  chicken  croquettes,  or  a  boiled  turkey  with  oyster  sauce,  by  mutton  chops 
with  almond  paste.  As  a  rule  the  roast  precedes  the  boiled.  After  the  meats 
come  the  entrees,  croquettes,  calves  brains,  deviled  kidneys,  or  oysters,  fried 
or  broiled.  With  game,  jelly  is  served,  though  epicures  reject  it  as  obscuring 
the  fine  flavor.  After  salads  cheese  may  be  served ;  it  is  better  to  have  two 


152 


DINNERS  AND  DINING. 


kinds  together,  one  pungent  and  the  other  mild,  so  that  guests  may  choose. 
The  order  of  dessert  is,  pastry  or  pudding,  ices,  fruits,  nuts  and  raisins,  bon- 
bons. Black  coffee  in  small  cups,  with  sugar  in  lumps,  passed  separately,  is 
served  at  table  last,  or  reserved  and  served  afterwards  in  the  parlor.  We 
publish  a  bill  of  fare,  from  Goodholme's  Cyclopaedia,  which  gives  a  clear 
idea  of  the  substantial  of  each  course  and  the  variations,  the  essentials  or 
ground  work  of  each  course  appearing  in  capitals : 


BILL  OF  FARE. 

WINES. 

Raw  Oysters  or  Clams. 

Sauterne,  or  any  light  white 
wines. 

SOUP. 

SHERRY. 

Olives. 
—FISH.— 
Olives,  Dressed  Cucumbers. 

Latour,     Blanche,    Chabis, 
Chateau,    Yquem,    or    other 
white  wines.   Some  like  a  sub- 
stantial white  wine  with  oys- 

Either  Bouchees  a  la  Heine, 

Mushrooms  on  toast,  or  some- 
thing similar. 

CHAMPAGNE. 

MEAT. 

If  more  than  one,  roast  first, 
or  the  heavier  first. 

CHAMPAGNE. 

Entrees  (any  light  made  dishes 

not  sweet.) 

Cigarettes. 

Sorbet. 

RED  WINE,  NOT 

—GAME.- 

SWEET, 

SALAD. 

Olives,  Pickles,  Etc. 

Port 

Cheese,  Crackers. 

Still  white  wine,  any  named 

DESSERT. 

above. 

Pastry. 

Ices. 

Fruit. 

Nuts  and  Raisins. 

n          v. 

Black  Coffee. 

Etc. 

"  If  you  omit  any  of  the  courses  indicated  by  capitals,  let  them  be  game 
first,  then  fish,  then  salad,  last  soup." 


DINNERS  AND  DINING. 


153 


We  also  append  a  variety  of  bills  of  fare,  both  elaborate  and  plain,  from 
the  same  work,  which  are  full  of  suggestions : 


MENU  FOB  JANUARY. 


Soup.    (Sherry.) 

Bouchees  of  lobsters.    (Sauterne.) 
(  Boiled  cod,  with  anchovy  sauce. 
I  Potatoes,  a  la  maitre  d'hotel. 
Braised  turkey,  with  chestnuts. 
Canned  Asparagus. 
Chicken  livers  stewed. 
Cauliflowers.  x 

Quails,  broiled  with  a  slice  of  fat  pork. 
Celery  salad. 
|  Rice  soufflle. 
(  Chocolate  pudding. 
Neapolitan  cream  cakes. 
Coffee,  fruits,  nuts,  etc.    (Port.) 


Champagne. 


Chateau 
Lafltte. 


MENU  FOB  FEBRUABY. 

Mock  turtle,  vermicelli,  clear.    (Sherry.) 

Pates  a  la  Reine  (chicken.) 

Lobster  farcie. 

Striped  bass,  with  shrimp  sauce. 

Fillet  of  beef,  with  stuffed  potatoes.    (Champagne.) 

Roast  chicken,  with  beans. 

Sweetbreads,  larded  and  served  on  a  thick  puree  of  spinach. 

Sorbet. 

Prairie  fowls,  with  brown  sauce.    (Chablis.) 
Endive  Salad. 
Lemon  ice  cream. 

Whipped  cream,  with  preserved  strawberries. 
Coffee,  nuts,  fruits.    (Chartreuse.) 


MENU  FOB  MAY. 

Green  turtle.    (Maderia.) 

Boiled  leg  mutton,  oyster  sauce.    (Champagne.) 

Cutlets  of  chicken,  a  la  Bechamel. 

Hare,  red  currant  jelly.    (Claret.) 

Potatoes  a  la  creme. 

Plum  pudding,  brandy  sauce. 

Coffee,  with  whipped  cream. 


MENU  FOB  JULY. —  ("A  Fish  Dinner.") 


Oysters  on  the  half-shell.    Select  carefully  at  this 

Cream  of  fish.  [season.    (Rhine  wine.) 

Trout,  with  clam  sauce.    (Champagne.) 
(  Baked  black  fish,  with  claret,    j    Chateau 
j  Fried  Potatoes.  j  Mar^eaux. 

Fillets  of  halibut,  bread-crumbed  and  Broiled,  with 

stewed  peas. 

(  Clams  in  their  shells.  )    r>  H  TTprmitntre 

1  Lettuce  and  endive  mixed,    j    J  ermitage. 

Roman  punch. 

Strawberry  Cream. 

Alinond  Cakes. 

Fruits,  nuts,  and  Coffee. 


154 


DINNERS  AND  DINING. 


MENU  FOB  SEPTEMBEK.— (A  "Game  Dinner.") 

Oysters  en  fricassee. 

Puree  of  grouse. 

Salmon  au  court  bouillon. 

e  Roast  pea-fowl.          > 

<  Braised  wild  duck.    >    Heidsick. 

(.  Artichokes.  ) 

t  Pates  of  field  larks  in  fillets.    (    onic,-, 

\  Lobster  salad.  j    Slllerv- 

Roast  Pigeons. 
Lettuce. 
Biscuits  glaces,  vanilla  ice  cream,  coffee,  fruit,  Noyeau. 


JANUARY  4TH. 

Beef  soup,  with  vegetables. 
Bream,  with  oyster  sauce. 
Boiled  potatoes. 
Corned  beef,  with  carrots. 
Stewed  kidneys. 
Spanish  puffs. 

FEBRUARY  18TH. 

Bouillabaisse. 

Boiled  chicken. 

Fried  parsnips,  caper  sauce. 

Fillets  of  bass,  with  pickles. 

-Mince  patties. 

MARCH  21ST. 

Oysters,  with  lettuce. 
Boast  sirloin  of  beef. 
Potato  croquettes. 
Cabbage  boiled  with  cream. 
Baked  lemon  pudding. 

APRIL  3o. 

Fried  oysters,  sliced  cucumbers. 
Smelts  fried  with  fat  salt  pork. 
Baked  potatoes. 

Lamb  chops,  with  baked  macaroni. 
Pumpkin  pie  and  coffee. 

MAY  20th. 

Clam  soup. 

Boiled  leg  of  mutton,  tomato  sauce. 

Mashed  potatoes. 

Oyster  plant  in  batter. 

Lettuce  and  green  onions. 

Raisin  pudding,  sherry  sauce. 

JUSTE  12TH. 

Salmon. 

Chicken  soup  with  barley. 
Cold  roast  mutton  with  boiled  cauli- 
flower. 

Lettuce,  with  cives  and  olives  mixed. 
Charlotte  russe. 


JULY  10TH. 

Consomme  aux  Xouilles. 
Rock  bass,  with  fried  potatoes. 
Tomatoes,     with     slices     of    chicken 

dressed  in  mayonnaise. 
Peaches  and  cream. 

AUGUST  14TH. 

Clams  on  the  half-shell,  pickles. 
Broiled  porterhouse  steak. 
Green  peas  and  asparagus. 
Strawberry  shortcake,  coffee. 

SEPTEMBER  24TH. 

Oyster  soup. 

Broiled  eels,  with  cucumbers. 

Braised  fowl. 

String  beans. 

Celery,  with  capers. 

Currant  tart,  with  whipped  cream. 

OCTOBER  25TH. 

Pot-an-feu. 

The  beef,  with  the  vegetables. 

Halibut,  with  parsley  sauce. 

Potato  salad. 

Tapioca  pudding,  sauce  au  quatre  fruits. 

Cream  cakes. 

NOVEMBER  30TH.  , 

Mock  turtle. 

Turkey,  cranberry  sauce. 

Rice  croquettes. 

Egg  plant  stuffed. 

Snipe,  fried  oysters. 

Water  cresses,  with  hard  boiled  eggs. 

German  puffs. 

DECEMBER  14TH. 

Puree  of  beans. 

Broiled  herring,  Dutch  sauce. 

Ribs  of  beef. 

Boiled  potatoes. 

Stewed  tomatoes. 

Pnmpkiu  pie. 


The  dinner  prepared,  and  the  guests  arrived,  properly  introduced  to 
escorts,  and  the  side  of  the  table  —  whether  at  right  of  host  or  hostess  — 
assigned  so  that  there  may  be  no  unseemly  confusion  in  the  dining  room, 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  155 

the  servant  quietly  announces  dinner  by  a  quiet  bow  to  the  host,  who  is  on 
the  alert  for  the  signal,  and  at  once  offers  his  right  arm  to  and  leads  the  way 
with  the  oldest  lady,  or  the  lady  in  whose  honor  the  dinner  is  given,  the 
hostess  following  last  with  the  most  honored  gentleman.  The  younger 
guests  are  careful  to  let  the  older  ones  precede  them.  The  host  places  the 
lady  whom  he  escorts  on  his  right,  the  others  finding  their  places  without 
confusion,  and  all  remain  standing  until  the  hostess  is  seated,  when  each 
lady  seats  herself  in  the  chair  provided  by  her  escort,  and  the  gentlemen 
follow  their  example  immediately.  The  lady  always  sits  at  the  right  of  her 
escort.  The  seats  of  the  host  and  hostess  may  be  at  opposite  ends,  or 
opposite  sides  in  the  middle  of  the  table.  The  waiters  begin  to  pass  the 
dishes  at  the  right  of  the  host,  ending  with  the  lady  of  the  house,  and  with 
the  one  on  the  right  of  the  hostess  and  ending  with  the  host.  One  waiter 
to  every  six  persons  is  enough,  if  some  one  is  stationed  in  the  kitchen  to 
prepare  the  dishes.  They  must  be  well-trained,  quiet,  and  never  awkward. 
They  should  wear  thin  soled-shoes,  so  as  to  move  noiselessly,  and  if  they 
use  damask  napkins,  with  one  corner  wrapped  around  the  thumb,  instead  of 
the  old  fashioned  gloves,  hands  and  nails  must  be  faultlessly  clean.  Cough- 
ing, breathing  hard,  stepping  on  a  lady's  dress,  dropping  or  spilling  any- 
thing, or  setting  down  plates  or  glasses  noisily,  are  unpardonable  faults. 
Guests,  as  soon  as  seated,  remove  gloves,  place  the  napkin  partly  opened 
across  the  lap,  with  gloves  under  it,  and  remove  the  roll  of  bread,  which 
was  lying  with  the  napkin  on  the  plate,  to  the  left  side.  If  raw  oysters  are 
already  served,  it  is  in  order  to  begin  eating  at  once,  waiting  for  others 
being  an  old-time  and  awkward  custom  not  now  observed.  Each  guest  is 
'served  with  soup,  and  eats  or  makes  a  pretense  of  eating  it,  sipping  it  from 
the  side,  not  the  end,  of  the  spoon,  without  noise,  and  taking  care  not  to  tilt 
the  plate  nor  to  send  for  a  second  supply.  The  first  would  seem  to  reflect  on 
the  host  in  not  providing  enough;  and  to  take  more  than  a  moderate  supply, 
to  prepare  the  stomach  for  something  more  substantial,  is  in  bad  taste 
because  unwholesome.  There  was  a  whole  volume  of  hygiene  in  the  reply 
of  the  witty  guest  who,  when  asked  to  take  a  second  plate  of  soup,  replied 
"not  to-day."  After  soup  the  guest  may  refuse  or  partake  of  whatever  is 
offered,  the  purpose  of  the  bill  of  fare  being  to  inform  him  what  has.been 
provided,  and  leave  him  to  choose  his  favorite  dish.  If  a  plate  is  set  before 


156  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

a  guest  that  he  does  not  want,  he  does  not  touch  it.  If  wine  is  provided,  and 
the  guest  does  not  approve  it,  a  private  table  is  not  the  place  to  express 
dissent.  The  guest  receives  the  wine  in  his  glass  sparingly,  and  if  toasts  are 
drank  the  glass  should  be  raised.  At  public  dinners,  the  occasion  permits 
a  noticeable  refusal,  but  even  then  any  ostentation,  which  looks  like  a  dis- 
play of  virtue,  is  out  of  taste.  A  wine-glass  is  held  by  the  stem,  not  the 
bowl.  Never  drink  a  glass  full  at  a  time,  nor  drain  the  last  drop.  If  you 
use  wine,  do  not  wish  a  particular  kind,  check  the  servant,  before  pouring 
it,  hy  touching  the  rim  of  the  glass.  A  well-trained  servant  names  each 
wine  before  pouring.  Toasts  and  drinking  of  healths  are  out  of  fashion. 
The  mouth  should  be  wiped  with  a  napkin  both  before  and  after  drinking. 

It  is  usually  considered  a  mark  of  good  breeding  to  take  the  same  wine 
as  that  which  is  selected  by  the  person  who  pays  you  the  compliment  of 
asking  to  drink  a  glass  with  him.  Should,  however,  the  wine  not  be  desired 
by  you,  you  are  at  liberty  to  courteously  decline  it. 

One  of  the  greatest  privileges  of  the  present  age  is  liberty  of  opinion,  and 
if  you  are  disinclined  to  drink  wine,  you  can  avail  yourself  of  it. 

When  the  empty  plate  for  each  course  is  set  down  before  a  guest,  he 
should  at  once  remove  the  knife  and  fork,  as  in  serving  the  waiter  removes 
the  plate  and  replaces  it  with  another  which  has  been  filled  from  the  side- 
table,  and  it  causes  delay  when  the  servant  is  obliged  to  remove  the  knife 
and  fork  himself.  No  guest  is  at  liberty  to  ask  for  a  second  dish,  but  when 
passed  a  second  time  may  take  of  it  if  he  wishes.  The  plate  of  the  hostess 
is  not  removed  for  any  course  until  all  others  have  finished.  Anything  like 
greediness  should  not  be  indulged,  and  to  show  any  indecision,  such  as 
taking  up  one  piece  and  then  rejecting  it  in  favor  of  another,  is  extremely 
weak.  When  finger-glasses  are  presented  on  the  dessert  plate,  remove  the 
doily  to  the  left  and  set  the  glass  upon  it.  The  dinner  napkin,  and  not  the 
doily,  is  used  for  wiping  the  fingers,  except  at  family  dinners,  where 
colored  ones  are  used.  Never  play  with  food,  or  crumble  the  bread,  or 
handle  the  silver  or  glasses  unnecessarily.  If  unfortunate  enough  to  break 
anything,  do  not  apologize  for  it,  or  allow  it  to  disturb  your  own  or  the 
company's  enjoyment.  Sherry  and  Port  are  not  spoken  of  as  Sherry  wine 
or  Port  wine.  Take  only  one  kind  at  dessert,  and  if  the  waiter  pours  too 
much,  check  him  by  touching  the  rim  of  the  glass.  When  dinner  is  ended, 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  157 

the  hostess  signals  the  ladies  to  leave  the  table  by  a  look  or  slight  bow  to  the 
lady  on  the  right  of  the  host,  and  all  rise  and  leave  the  table  in  the  order  of 
seats,  without  regard  to  precedence,  the  gentlemen  standing  until  they  have 
departed,  and  then  retiring  to  the  library  or  some  convenient  apartment  for 
their  cigars.  Their  absence  from  the  drawing-room,  however,  should  not 
be  a  prolonged  one,  and  custom  is  abridging  it  more  and  more,  and  will 
doubtless  abolish  it  altogether,  by  the  adoption  of  the  more  civilized  French 
custom  of  all  repairing  together  to  the  drawing-room.  If  coffee  has  not 
been  served  at  table,  it  is  served  in  the  drawing-room  a  half-hour  later.  In 
this  case  the  hostess  presides  at  the  urn,  and  the  gentlemen  carry  coffee  to 
the  ladies,  the  servant  following  with  a  tray  of  cream  and  sugar.  After 
coffee,  any  guest  is  at  liberty  to  depart,  and  no  one  is  expected  to  linger 
longer  than  two  hours  after  dinner.  If  obliged  to  go  sooner,  an  intimation 
is  given  to  the  hostess  before  dinner,  if  possible,  of  the  necessity,  ind  the 
withdrawal  is  quietly  made  without  any  formal  adieu.  After  a  dinner  a  call 
must  be  made  within  a  week,  to  express  appreciation  of  the  entertainment 
and  to  inquire  after  the  health  of  the  lady.  If  she  has  a  regular  receiving 
day,  that  is  the  proper  time  for  the  call,  but  if  it  is  not  convenient,  a  card 
left  at  the  door  in  person  for  every  grown  member  of  the  family,  with  end  or 
corner  turned  down  to  show  that  it  was  left  in  person,  is  a  substitute  for  the 
call ;  and  gentlemen  who  have  no  wives,  sisters,  or  mothers  to  leave  their 
cards  for  them,  are  even  permitted  to  send  cards  by  post,  when  it  is  impossi- 
ble to  call  or  leave  a  card  in  person. 

The  appropriate  dress  for  a  formal  dinner  is  the  full  toilette  of  the  season 
for  ladies,  and  full  dress  for  gentlemen.  Gloves  are  removed  at  the  table  and 
need  not  be  again  replaced.  It  must  be  understood,  of  course,  that  formal 
dinners  are  not  given  in  the  day  time.  The  thoughtful  hostess  will  take  care 
to  dress  quietly,  lest  she  put  some  plainer  sister  to  the  blush,  and  a  consider- 
ate host  will  retain  his  frock  coat  and  black  tie  if  he  has  reason  to  suppose 
that  some  gentleman  will  appear  without  his  "  swallow-tail  "  and  white  tie. 

The  duties  of  the  host  and  hostess  arc  much  lightened  by  the  adoption 
of  the  Russian  plan  of  serving,  now  almost  universal  at  formal  dinners. 
They  have  little  to  do  except  to  make  themselves  agreeable.  All  the  train- 
ing of  servants  must  be  done  beforehand,  and  any  blunders  or  mistakes 
must  be  passed  in  silence,  and  all  trace  of  anxiety  be  banished,  if  possible. 


158  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

If  the  choicest  piece  of  the  best  china  is  shattered  into  fragments,  the  per- 
fect hostess  will  not  seem  to  be  aware  of  it ;  and  if  she  is  obliged  to  mention 
some  fault  which  has  inconvenienced  a  guest,  she  will  do  so  briefly,  and 
with  dignity,  and  not  make  too  much  of  it.  She  needs  self  possession  and 
tact,  so  that  she  may  place  all  guests  at  ease,  and  anticipate  every  want. 
She  will  never  reprove  servants  in  the  presence  of  others,  and  to  the  annoy- 
ance of  her  guests,  who  would  very  likely  pass  the  offense  unnoticed.  Late 
comers  must  be  welcomed  as  warmly  as  the  punctual,  and  no  appearance  of 
annoyance  must  be  allowed  to  mar  the  pleasure  of  the  occasion.  It  is  the 
duty  of  the  host  to  aid  the  hostess  in  every  way  possible,  and  to  be  perfect,  he 
needs  tact  to  perceive,  and  genius  to  execute, — an  ease  and  self-possession 
that  nothing  can  surprise,  and  a  frankness  and  knowledge  of  the  world  that 
enables  him  to  understand  men  and  women,  so  that  he  may  encourage  the 
timid,  draw  out  the  silent,  and  direct  the  conversation  while  others  sustain 
it.  "  The  host  who  has  compelled  a  guest  to  ask  him  for  anything  he  wants 
is  almost  a  dishonored  man."  It  is  his  duty  to  anticipate  the  wants  of  all. 

The  old  rule  that  "  no  one  asks  twice  for  soup,"  applies,  with  equal  force, 
to  nearly  all  dishes,  for  the  very  good  reason  that  there  are  now  so  many 
courses,  and  dishes  are  so  numerous,  that  merely  to  taste  all  would  be 
gluttony.  The  host  and  hostess  may  properly  invite  guests  to  a  second 
attack  on  any  viand  that  seems  to  be  a  favorite,  and  at  a  dinner  served  in 
the  Russian  fashion,  it  is  usual  for  the  servant  to  make  the  second  round  with 
every  dish  except  soup.  The  opportunity  thus  offered  is  seldom  accepted  by 
a  discreet  guest,  who  wishes  to  live  to  dine  another  day. 

At  a  dinner  served  in  the  French  fashion,  the  carver  should  serve  meats 
so  cut  as  not  to  fill  the  platter  with  hacked  fragments.  It  may  be  taken 
for  granted,  in  serving  a  fowl,  that  every  one  will  take  a  piece  of  the  breast; 
the  wings  and  legs  should  be  placed  crisp  side  uppermost,  the  stuffing  not 
scattered,  and  the  brown  side  or  edge  of  the  slice,  should  be  kept  from  con- 
tact with  vegetables  or  gravy,  so  that  its  delicacy  may  be  preserved .  Indi- 
vidual salt-dishes  are  used  at  breakfasts,  but  at  dinners,  a  cruet  with  salt- 
dish  and  spoon  is  preferred,  as  giving  the  table  less  of  a  hotel  air.  The 
salt-dishes  should  be  neatly  filled.  Jellies  and  sauces  are  helped  on  the  din- 
ner-plate, and  not  on  side  dishes.  If  there  are  two  dishes  of  dessert,  the 
most  substantial  may  be  served  by  the  host;  but  if  only  one,  it  is  the  priv- 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  159 

ilege  of  the  hostess  to  serve  it.  In  serving  coffee,  the  sugar  and  cream  are 
placed  in  the  cup  first.  If  milk  is  used,  it  should  be  scalding  hot.  For  tea, 
it  is  better  to  pour  the  beverage  first,  and  then  add  cream  and  sugar.  In 
winter,  plates  should  always  be  warmed,  not  made  hot. 
/  The  waiters  should  be  alert,  noiseless,  and  quick,  without  being  nervous 
or  in  a  hurry.  A  dinner  which  drags  is  tiresome,  particularly  when  many 
courses  are  given,  as  in  our  princely  American  dinners.  Two  hours  is  the 
longest  time  a  dinner  should  last ;  •  to  remain  longer,  under  ordinary  circum- 
stances, is  tedious.  It  is  vulgar  hospitality  to  over-supply  a  table  or  over- 
load a  plate.  The  latter  is  particularly  displeasing  to  a  guest  with  a  delicate 
appetite,  and  the  most  voracious,  when  the  number  of  dishes  is  large,  is 
satisfied  with  a  little  from  each.  Any  profuse  supply,  to  be  wasted,  is  un- 
fashionable as  well  as  foolish.  "  Hospitality  is  not  measured  by  the  square 
inch  of  beef  or  mutton."  If  uninvited  persons  call  during  a  formal  dinner, 
the  servant  should  be  instructed  to  inform  them  that  the  hostess  is  engaged 
at  dinner,  and  any  sensible  person  would  understand  that  to  make  an 
appearance  would  seriously  interfere  with  the  arrangements  already  made. 

For  family  dinners,  it  is  never  best  to  attempt  too  much.  The  dinner 
should  be  and  appear  to  be  an  every  day  affair ;  to  have  a  showy  variety 
impresses  the  guest  that  it  is  an  unusual  thing  to  invite  a  guest  to  dinner. 
A  great  many  hospitable  people  are  deterred  from  entertaining  because  they 
suppose  that  an  ostentatious  abundance  is  necessary,  when  it  is,  in  fact,  as 
coarse  and  unrefined  as  it  is  expensive.  It  is  a  poor  compliment  to  a  friend's 
brain.  The  French  understand  this  art  of  table  hospitality  better  than  any 
other  people.  Their  small  family  dinners  are  simply  gems  of  perfection. 
There  is  plenty  for  every  person,  yet  every  morsel  is  eaten.  The  flowers  or 
plants  are  fresh  and  odoriferous ;  the  linen  is  a  marvel  of  whiteness ;  the 
dishes  are  few,  but  perfect  of  their  kind. 

"  For  reasonable  and  sensible  people,  there  is  no  dinner  more  satisfactory 
than  one  consisting  first  of  soup,  then  a  fish  garnished  with  boiled  potatoes, 
followed  by  a  roast,  also  garnished  with  one  vegetable,  perhaps  an  entree, 
always  a  salad,  some  cheese,  and  a  dessert.  This,  well  cooked,  and  neatly 
and  quietly  served,  is  a  stylish  and  good  enough  dinner  for  any  one,  and  is 
within  the  power  of  a  gentleman  or  lady  of  moderate  means  to  give-'-It  is 
the  exquisite  quality  of  a  dinner  or  of  a  wine  that  pleases  us,  not  the  multi- 


160  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

plicity  of  dishes  or  vintages.  It  is  always  dangerous  to  attempt  a  new  dish 
for  a  'company  dinner,'  better  confine  the  bill  of  fare  to  a  few  which  one  is 
sure  of  having  cooked  in  the  very  best  manner."  Bills  of  fare,  or  menu 
cards,  the  French  word  having  the  advantage  of  brevity,  are  not  needed, 
unless  the  dinner  is  fine  and  formal.  They  may  be  neatly  written  on  small 
half  sheets  of  paper,  or  on  menu  cards  prepared  for  the  purpose.  If  expense 
is  no  object,  or  if  it  is  intended  to  give  a  series,  a  card  may  be  designed  and 
engraved,  especially  for  the  season.  The  card  may  be  wholly  engraved,  or 
engraved  with  blanks  to  be  neatly  filled  with  a  pen.  They  should  be  in 
English,  as  a  rule,  our  language  being  rich  enough  for  the  purpose.  How- 
ever, if  all  the  guests  are  versed  in  the  language  and  foreigners  are  present, 
the  French  is,  of  course,  properly  used.  To  hand  a  bill  of  fare  to  practical 
and  substantial  people,  written  in  French,  when  it  might  as  well  be  written 
in  Choctaw,  for  their  reading,  is  not  strictly  polite. 

"Nothing  so  distinguishes  the  style  of  perfectly  appointed  houses  from 
vulgar  imitations,  as  the  quiet,  self-possessed  movements  of  the  attendants. 
No  word  should  be  spoken  among  them,  during  dinner,  nor  should  they  even 
seem  to  notice  the  conversation  of  the  company  at  table.  The  waiter  should 
wear  a  dress  coat,  white  vest,  black  trowsers,  and  a  white  neck-tie ;  the 
waiting-maid  a  neat  black  alpaca,  or  a  clean  calico  dress  with  a  white 
apron." 

It  is  important  for  health,  as  well  as  enjoyment,  to  have  a  variety  of 
dishes.  Even  large  dinners  become  monotonous  when  guests  find  always 
the  same  list  of  dishes.  "To  order  a  dinner  is  a  matter  of  invention  and 
combination.  It  involves  novelty,  simplicity  and  taste;  whereas,  in  the 
generality  of  dinners,  there  is  no  character  but  that  of  routine,  according  to 
the  season."  It  is  better  that  a  dinner  be  too  short  than  too  long.  To  rise 
wearied  and  satiated  leaves  a  bad  impression  which  is  likely  to  linger  in  the 
memory.  When  appetite  is  cloyed  and  conversation  forced,  as  is  inevitable 
after  a  two  hours  dinner,  further  dallying  is  "  durance  vile." 

Cheerful  ways  and  bright  conversation  at  table  are  always  polite.  The 
old  saying,  "Chatted  food  is  half  digested,"  has  in  it  a  whole  chapter  of 
good  advice  on  the  happy  physiological  effect  of  pleasant  table  talk.  Socia- 
bility is  an  essential  element  of  a  digestible  meal,  and  the  American  habit 
of  bolting  dinners  in  grim  silence  entails  no  end  of  dyspepsia  and  misery. 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  161 

"A  man's  body  and  his  mind  are  like  a  jerkin  and  a  jerkin's  lining;  rumple 
the  one  and  you  rumple  the  other."  Ill  nature,  contemptible  anywhere,  is 
hideous  at  table.  The  more  good  and  cheerful  company  you  have  at  your 
family  dinners,  the  more  growth.  Sprightly  conversation  over  the  dinner- 
table  is  an  education  to  children,  both  in  mind  and  manners. 

There  is  difference  of  opinion  as  to  who  should  be  first  served  at  table, 
many  insisting  that  the  old  fashion  of  serving  the  hostess  first  should  be 
continued ;  but  as  this  originated  in  the  days  when  people  were  in  the  habit 
of  poisoning  guests  by  the  wholesale,  as  a  convenient  way  of  ridding  them- 
selves and  the  world  of  them,  there  seems  to  be  no  reason  why  it  should  be 
observed  now.  Then  guests  preferred  that  the  hostess  should  show  her  con- 
fidence in  the  viands  set  before  them,  before  partaking  themselves;  but  the 
natural  instincts  of  propriety  seem  to  indicate  that  the  most  honored  guest, 
that  is,  the  lady  at  the  right  of  the  host,  should  be  first  served. 

Dining  room  chairs  should  be  of  equal  height,  and  the  table  should  be 
firm  and  solid.  Cane  seat  chairs  are  not  fit  for  dining  room  use.  They  play 
havoc  with  laces  and  fine  fabrics. 

As  napkins  are  not  supposed  to  appear  on  the  table  a  second  time 
without  washing,  napkin  rings  are  domestic  secrets,  and  are  never  to  be 
used  at  formal  dinners.  An  ice  pitcher  is  not  an  article  of  table  furniture, 
but  it  may  be  used  on  a  side-table,  in  warm  weather.  Carafes  (glass  water 
bottles),  with  dishes  of  cracked  ice,  should  be  within  reach  of  every  guest. 

The  cards  on  the  plates,  bearing  the  names  of  guests,  are  a  great  conven- 
ience. These,  with  a  previous  hint  as  to  the  side  of  the  table,  make  it  easy 
for  guests  to  find  their  places ;  while  in  attempting  to  marshal  them  to 
seats,  the  host  and  hostess  often  get  them  seated  just  where  they  do  not 
want  them.  Inveterate  talkers  are  brought  together,  and  silent  ones  paired 
to  the  great  annoyance  of  all. 

Finger-bowls  or  glasses  are  passed  after  pastry,  with  doily  between  the 
bowl  and  plate.  The  plate  is  to  be  used  for  fruit  and  nuts,  if  there  are  any. 
If  none,  the  bowl  is  not  removed  from  the  plate.  It  is  well  to  have  a  dish 
of  fruit  on  a  side-table,  with  grapes  broken  into  small  stems,  so  as  not  to 
disturb  that  used  to  ornament  the  table.  If  the  latter  is  taken,  it  should  be 
removed  and  so  prepared  before  passing. 

Never  allow  two  kinds  of  animal  food,  or  two  kinds  of  pastry,  to  be  eaten 


162  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

from  the  same  plate.  Make  each  a  separate  course.  Always  remove  soiled 
knives  and  forks,  or  spoons,  with  plates,  and  return  clean  ones,  after  the 
supply  placed  on  the  table  to  begin  with  is  exhausted.  Never  have  more 
than  two  vegetables  with  a  course,  and  offer  both  at  once  on  same  waiter. 
If  dinner  is  large,  there  may  be  two  soups,  two  fish,  two  meats,  etc.,  the 
guest  choosing  between  them.  It  needs  constant  attention  to  keep  good  the 
supply  of  bread.  Fish  at  dinner  must  never  be  fried  or  broiled,  but  baked 
or  boiled,  except  in  case  of  delicacies,  like  trout  or  smelts.  Fresh  pork  and 
veal  are  not  dishes  for  dinner.  Ham,  baked  with  sugar,  may  appear  in 
every  course  after  fish  to  game,  but  only  as  an  accessory,  to  be  handed  round 
sliced  after  the  regular  course  has  been  served.  Asparagus,  green  corn,  or 
cauliflower,  nicely  cooked,  or  any  vegetable  that  does  not  naturally  belong 
to  some  meat,  may  be  served  instead  of  a  salad,  as  a  course.  A  skilful 
waiter,  who  has  an  efficient  assistant  to  prepare  everything  for  him,  may 
serve  eight  people ;  but  four  to  six  are  quite  enough  for  the  untrained  ser- 
vants who  do  duty  for  most  American  families. 

The  temperature,  ventilation,  and  light  of  the  dining-room  should  be 
attended  to  with  care.  Most  dining-rooms  are  too  hot.  Sometimes  the 
light  is  badly  managed,  so  that  it  is  insufficient  for  some  and  disagreeably 
glaring  for  others ;  or  fresh  air  may  be  introduced  by  a  draft,  not  only 
annoying  but  dangerous;  or,  still  worse,  the  closeness  of  the  room  may  be 
stifling,  and  the  guests  correspondingly  stupid. 

The  most  elegant  and  inexpensive  table-ware  is  plain  white  china,  which 
may  be  easily  matched.  The  dessert  set  may  be  of  any  of  the  elegant 
designs  now  so  common.  Full  sets  are  also  decorated  to  match  the  finish  of 
the  dining-room,  but  the  expense  of  matching  is  great,  and  a  crash  in  the 
kitchen  is  apt  to  send  a  shiver  through  the  frame  of  the  mistress  not  con- 
ducive to  sweetness  of  temper.  A  new  fashion  is  to  have  each  set  of  plates 
of  a  different  pattern,  and  this  affords  a  fine  field  for  the  exercise  of  individ- 
ual taste  and  fancy. 

It  may  not  be  amiss  to  give  these  hints  for  facilitating  the  preparation 
of  a  dinner,  as  the  knowledge  that  order  and  system  reign  in  the  kitchen 
will  materially  add  to  the  sprightliness  of  the  lady's  manners.  A  state  din- 
ner would  be  a  colossal  undertaking,  if  all  the  dishes  had  to  be  served  at 
once;  but  with  system,  the  time  occupied  at  table  in  discussing  one  course 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  163 

is  enough  for  the  necessary  preparation  of  the  next.  The  soup,  or  stock  for 
soup,  and  the  dessert,  should  be  prepared  on  the  previous  day.  A  bill  of 
fare  should  be  posted  up  in  the  kitchen,  and  everything  that  may  be,  pre- 
pared early  in  the  day.  Fish,  chickens,  birds,  etc.,  are  dressed,  and  larded, 
and  laid  away  near  ice.  Sweetbreads  may  be  larded,  parboiled,  and  put 
away,  also.  Lettuce  is  sprinkled  with  water,  and  set  away  in  a  basket  in  a 
cool,  dark  place,  until  three  minutes  before  serving.  Plates  and  platters  for 
each  course  are  counted,  and  set  out  on  a  table  by  themselves.  The  kitchen 
is  put  in  perfect  order,  everything  cleared  away  that  will  not  be  needed. 
The  articles  to  be  cooked  should  then  be  grouped  according  to  the  course  in 
which  they  are  to  appear,  so  that  there  may  be  no  loss  of  time  or  confusion. 
Every  article  that  will  be  needed  in  cooking  should  be  carefully  prepared. 
An  exact  calculation  of  the  time  required  for  each  dish  should  be  made,  so 
that  it  may  be  put  to  the  fire  at  the  right  moment,  to  be  done  to  a  turn 
when  wanted.  Never  serve  meat  on  a  platter  too  small  for  it ;  a  platter 
should  always  be  one-third  larger  than  the  contents. 

It  is  ill-bred  to  help  a  plate  too  abundantly,  or  to  flood  food  with  gravies, 
which  are  disliked  by  many.  Above  all,  food  should  be  served  neatly. 
Nothing  creates  disgust  sooner  than  a  plate  bedaubed  with  gravy  or  scat- 
tered food.  Water  is  poured  at  the  right  of  the  guest.  Everything  else  is 
handed  from  the  left. 

Each  guest  should  have  ample  space  at  the  table,  so  that  he  may  eat 
without  crowding  or  being  crowded  by  his  neighbor.  To  invite  more  guests 
than  the  table  will  accommodate  with  comfort,  is  to  insure  that  the  dinner 
will  be  voted  a  miserable  failure. 

The  custom  of  ladies  retiring  after  the  dessert  and  leaving  the  gentle- 
men in  the  dining  room,  is  a  relic  of  barbarism,  and  was  in  practice  when 
it  was  considered  a  social  virtue  to  drink  deeply,  and  society  pandered  to 
the  brutal  instincts  of  men.  It  has  already  lost  its  hold  in  many  refined 
circles, —  gentlemen  repairing  to  the  drawing  room  with  the  ladies  after  din- 
ner ;  and  this  change  is  promotive  of  a  greater  refinement  of  manners  than 
has  yet  been  known.  The  refining  influence  exerted  by  women  upon  men 
is  everywhere  recognized,  and  the  association  of  women  with  men,  as  equals, 
tends  to  make  them  more  practical,  and  to  interest  them  in  the  great  events 


164  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

and  affairs  of  the  world,  instead  of  the  trifles  that  fill  the  lives  of  most,  to 
the  exclusion  of  broad  views  and  liberal  culture. 

Clubs,  as  institutions  which  admit  of  only  male  members,  cannot  be  sus- 
tained in  France  or  Germany,  because  men  prefer  that  their  wives  and 
daughters  should  enjoy  social  amusements  with  them,  and  the  tendency  of 
the  times  in  America  is  happily  in  the  same  direction.  It  is  Thackeray  who 
says:  "One  of  the  greatest  benefits  a  man  may  derive  from  women's 
society  is  that  he  is  bound  to  be  respectful  to  them.  The  habit  is  of  great 
good  to  your  moral  man,  depend  upon  it.  Our  education  makes  us  the  most 
eminently  selfish  men  in  the  world.  We  fight  for  ourselves ;  we  push  for 
ourselves;  we  cut  the  best  slices  out  of  the  joints  at  club  dinners  for  our- 
selves ;  we  yawn  for  ourselves,  light  our  pipes,  and  say  we  won't  go  out ; 
we  prefer  ourselves  and  our  own ;  and  the  greatest  good  that  comes  to  a  man 
from  a  woman's  society  is  that  he  has  to  think  of  somebody  besides  himself, 
somebody  to  whom  he  is  bound  to  be  constantly  attentive  and  respectful. 
Certainly  I  don't  want  my  dear  Bob  to  associate  with  those  of  the  other  sex 
whom  he  doesn't  and  can't  respect ;  that  is  worse  than  billiards,  worse  than 
tavern  brandy  and  water,  worse  than  smoking  selfishness  at  home ;  but  now 
I  would  rather  see  you  turning  over  the  leaves  of  Miss  Fiddlecombe's  music 
book  all  night  than  at  billiards,  or  smoking,  or  brandy  and  water,  or  all 
three." 

After  returning  to  the  drawing  room,  the  company  entertain  themselves 
with  conversation,  music,  etc.,  and  if  coffee  has  been  served  at  the  table,  tea 
with  crackers  may  be  brought  in  and  served  in  a  perfectly  informal  way, 
after  half  an  hour,  the  guests  standing  or  walking  about  at  ease.  After  tea 
or  coffee  has  been  served,  all  are  at  liberty  to  withdraw. 

Individual  manners  at  the  table  require  that  nice  perception  of  and  kind 
consideration  for  the  rights  and  feelings  of  others  which  marks  the  true 
gentleman  everywhere;  but  there  are  details  of  behavior  which  deserve 
mention.  Raw  oysters  are  eaten  with  a  fork,  soup  from  the  side  of  a  spoon, 
without  tipping  the  plate.  The  mouth  should  not  go  to  the  food,  but  the 
food  to  the  mouth.  Eat  without  noise  and  with  lips  closed.  Your  friends 
are  seldom  so  much  inclined  to  investigation  that  they  will  enjoy  seeing  how 
you  masticate  your  food,  while  engaged  at  their  own  dinners.  Bread  is 
never  cut  or  broken  into  soup  or  gravy,  but  is  eaten  by  morsels,  broken  with 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  165 

the  fingers,  not  bitten  off.  It  is  in  bad  taste  to  mix  the  food  on  the  plate,  it 
shows  a  coarse  appetite  and  a  want  of  a  nice  appreciation  of  flavor.  Each 
article  of  food  has  its  own  peculiar  flavor,  and  variety  stimulates  appetite 
and  digestion.  Fish  must  be  eaten  with  a  fork,  (silver)  and  a  silver  knife 
must  be  used  to  cut  it,  as  steel  is  stained  by  it  and  imparts  a  metallic  taste. 
Macaroni  is  cut,  and  cheese  crumbled  on  the  plate,  and  eaten  with  a  fork. 
Pastry  is  never  cut  with  a  knife,  but  always  broken  and  eaten  with  a  fork. 
Game  and  chickens  are  cut,  but  never  eaten  with  the  bones  held  in  the 
fingers.  Oranges  are  peeled  without  breaking  the  inner  skin,  being  held 
meantime,  on  a  fork.  Pears  are  pared  while  held  by  the  stem.  Salt  must 
be  taken  on  the  side  of  the  plate,  and  never  upon  the  table  cloth.  Cut  with 
the  knife,  but  never  use  it  to  convey  food  to  the  mouth.  Such  a  use  of  the 
knife  is  not  only  awkward,  but  dangerous  to  the  mouth.  The  fork  conveys 
food,  and  may  be  used  in  either  hand,  as  best  suits  convenience.  Food  that 
cannot  be  handled  with  a  fork  should  be  eaten  with  a  spoon.  To  help  your- 
self to  butter,  or  any  other  feod,  from  a  common  dish,  with  your  own  knife 
or  fork,  is  a  gross  offense,  and  to  pick  the  teeth  at  the  table,  or  in  the  pres- 
ence of  ladies  after  a  meal,  is  unpardonable.  If  it  is  necessary  to  use  a 
toothpick  for  a  moment,  at  the  table,  it  is  done  while  a  napkin  is  held 
before  the  mouth.  To  make  any  sound  with  the  mouth  in  eating  or  drink- 
ing is  disgusting.  Bread  eaten  with  meat  should  not  be  buttered.  Bread 
and  butter  is  a  dish  for  dessert.  Eat  slowly,  both  for  health  and  manners. 
Do  not  lean  the  elbows  or  lay  the  hands  or  arms  on  the  table,  or  play  with 
knives  and  forks  or  glasses,  or  lounge  in,  or  tilt  back  your  chair,  or  take  a 
lounging  attitude.  Take  as  little  notice  as  possible  of  accidents.  When  an 
empty  plate  is  set  before  you  for  a  new  course,  remove  the  knife  and  fork  at 
once,  so  that  the  waiter  may  replace  it  with  a  full  plate,  without  unneces- 
sary delay.  When  you  have  finished  a  course,  lay  your  knife  and  fork  side 
by  side  on  the  plate,  which  is  a  signal  for  their  removal.  Never  pare  fruit 
for  a  lady,  unless  she  requests  it,  and  then  hold  it  on  her  fork.  Never  dip 
bread  into  gravy  or  preserves.  The  sauce  for  the  fish  belongs  on  the  side  of 
the  plate.  Refuse  fish,  if  you  wish,  but  do  not  call  for  it  a  second  time. 
Never  apologize  to  a  waiter  for  asking  him  for  anything;  it  is  his  business 
to  serve.  To  rebuke  him  would  be  extremely  rude,  as  that  is  the  business 
of  the  host.  Asparagus  is  cut  with  a  knife  and  eaten  with  a  fork,  never  with 


166  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

the  fingers.  Remove  bones  from  fish  before  eating,  but  if  one  gets  into  the 
mouth  by  accident,  remove  it  by  placing  the  napkin  to  the  mouth.  In 
informal  dinners,  when  dishes  are  passed  by  one  guest  to  another,  help 
yourself  before  offering  it  to  the  next,  as  it  makes  confusion  and  delay  to  do 
otherwise.  Never  use  the  napkin  to  wipe  the  nose  or  the  face.  It  is  for  the 
lips  only.  To  scrape  your  plate,  or  tilt  it  up  to  get  a  last  drop,  or  wipe  it 
with  a  piece  of  bread,  is  a  reflection  on  the  liberality  of  the  host.  Every- 
thing that  can  be  cut  or  broken  with  a  fork  should  be  eaten  without  a  knife. 
Pudding  may  be  eaten  with  a  fork  or  spoon,  as  is  most  convenient.  Ices 
require  a  spoon.  Talk  in  a  low  tone  to  your  neighbor,  but  never  in  so  low 
a  tone  that  you  may  not  be  heard  by  all.  Conversation  at  the  table  should 
be  general,  or  such  as  might  be  general  if  others  were  not  engaged  with 
their  immediate  neighbors. 

A  gentleman  seated  by  a  lady,  or  an  older  person,  passes  the  water,  and 
helps  to  whatever  may  be  wanted,  at  an  informal  dinner.  It  is  rude  to 
monopolize  conversation,  or  to  talk  or  laugh  loud.  Boisterous  conduct,  ill- 
mannered  anywhere,  is  particularly  so  at  the  table  when  each  should  be 
and  appear  at  his  best.  At  the  signal  given  by  the  mistress  to  rise,  the 
gentlemen  escort  the  ladies  to  the  door  of  the  drawing-room,  or  at  least  rise 
until  they  have  left  the  room.  Food  must  never  be  conveyed  in  too  large 
portions  to  the  mouth,  nor,  on  the  other  hand,  should  it  be  taken  in  bits. 
The  head  should  not  be  held  erect,  as  if  the  chin  were  braced  by  an  inflexi- 
ble ramrod,  nor  should  the  face  be  buried  in  the  plate.  The  well-bred  man 
handles  the  knife  and  fork  gracefully,  removes  them  from  the  plate  as  soon 
as  it  is  set  before  him,  lays  them  side  by  side  across  his  plate  when  he  has 
finished  (and  not  before),  as  a  signal  for  its  removal.  He  does  not  leave 
his  spoon  in  his  coffee  or  teacup  while  drinking,  but  removes  it  to  the  sau- 
cer. He  never  uses  his  handkerchief  unnecessarily  or  disgustingly,  and 
never  with  a  loud  explosion,  and  he  never,  by  any  stress,  is  tempted  to  use 
his  napkin  to  wipe  his  nose  or  forehead.  His  voice  and  laugh  are  never 
uproarous.  He  breaks  his  bread,  but  never  cuts  or  bites  it.  If  he  drinks 
wine,  he  holds  the  glass  by  the  stem ;  if  he  refuses,  he  does  it  politely,  with 
charity  for  those  who  differ  from  him.  He  is  not  afraid  to  allow  any  course 
he  does  not  want  to  pass,  and  never  takes  it  to  play  with  while  on  his  plate, 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  167 

to  kill  time.     He  swallows  his  food  before  leaving  the  table,  and  never  talks 
when  his  mouth  is  full  of  food. 

It  is  not  regarded  as  a  mark  of  refinement  to  watch  dishes  as  they  are 
uncovered.  It  is  not  regarded  as  good  taste  to  say  much  about  the  food.  If 
one  declines  a  dish,  he  need  give  no  reason.  "  No,  thank  you,"  is  sufficient. 
If  the  hostess  has  prepared  special  delicacies  for  her  guest,  which  he  does 
not  care  for,  or  which  his  health  will  not  bear,  he  may  take  them  upon  his 
plate  with  thanks,  and  go  through  the  appropriate  motions  of  eating,  while 
he  nibbles  warily  about  their  edges.  This  harmless  ruse  will  save  both  her 
feelings  and  his  politeness.  If  any  one  be  asked  what  he  prefers,  it  may  be 
best  for  him  to  specify,  even  though  he  feels  no  preference.  It  is  not  proper 
to  select  for  one's  self  the  best  on  the  plate.  If  one  is  obliged  to  leave  the 
table  before  a  meal  is  finished,  he  should  ask  permission  of  the  hostess. 
The  best  usage  requires  that  after  a  course  is  finished,  the  dishes  should  be 
gathered  up  by  a  servant,  and  not  piled  upon  the  plate  before  the  servant 
comes.  Nothing  should  be  mentioned  at  the  table  which  can  produce 
qualms  in  the  most  squeamish  palate.  If  anything  wrong  should  be  discov- 
ered on  one's  plate,  it  should  be  removed  as  quietly  as  possible.  It  is  better 
that  no  one  else  should  be  led  to  notice  it  at  all.  If  one  gets  a  bone  in  his 
mouth  by  mistake,  he  should  put  his  napkin  to  his  mouth  in  removing  it. 
Boiled  eggs  may  be  broken  into  a  saucer  or  cup,  and  seasoned  to  the  eater's 
taste.  It  is  equally  proper,  and  more  fashionable,  to  break  the  large  end  of 
the  shell  and  eat  the  egg  with  a  spoon,  seasoning  each  mouthful  by  itself. 
The  latter  is  the  manner  everywhere  in  Europe.  Bread  should  be  held  on 
the  plate  or  near  the  table  while  it  is  buttered,  and  it  should  be  broken. 
The  general  rule  is  that  nothing  should  be  bitten  at  the  table.  If  a  plate  is 
sent  for  a  second  helping,  the  fork  and  knife  may  meanwhile  either  be  held 
iu  the  hand,  or  laid  on  the  table,  or  made  to  rest  on  the  bread.  It  is  not 
proper  to  send  them  with  the  plate,  because  they  are  in  the  way  of  both  ser- 
vant and  host  in  filling  the  plate.  The  side  of  a  spoon  should  be  put  in  the 
mouth,  and  not  the  point ;  but  a  gentleman  who  has  a  moustache  will  be 
likely  to  make  a  compromise,  and  hold  the  spoon  diagonally.  One  should 
not  sit  too  near  the  table,  or  too  far  from  it,  or  drum  with  his  fingers,  or 
make  diagrams  with  his  knife  and  fork,  or  twirl  his  goblet,  or  play  with  his 
salt-cellar,  or  suck  or  pick  his  teeth,  or  cough  or  sneeze  (the  latter  may 


168  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

always  be  prevented  by  pressing  the  finger  against  the  upper  lip  under  the 
nose),  or  smack  his  lips,  or  draw  soup  into  his  mouth  with  a  gurgling 
sound,  or  put  his  elbows  on  the  table,  or  fidget  in  his  chair,  or  blow  his 
soup  to  cool  it,  or  soak  up  gravy  with  his  bread.  The  authorities  seem  to 
be  at  a  loss  to  prescribe  how  cherry-stones  should  be  taken  from  the  mouth. 
One  thinks  they  should  be  removed  with  the  napkin ;  another  by  the  fork 
or  spoon;  another  says  "they  should  be  removed  as  unobstrusively  as  possi- 
ble and  laid  on  the  side  of  the  plate;"  adding,  that  a  "good  way  is  to  watch 
how  others  are  doing;"  and  that  "it  is  a  better  way  still  for  the  hostess  to 
have  her  cherries  stoned  before  they  are  made  into  pies  and  puddings." 
How  to  eat  an  apple  is  another  problem  which  is  yet  to  be  solved.  One 
wrriter  says,  "Never  touch  fruit  with  the  fingers.  If  you  wish  to  peel  an 
apple,  a  pear,  or  a  peach,  hold  the  fruit  on  a  fork  in  your  left  hand,  and  peel 
with  a  silver  knife  in  your  right.  Eat  it  in  small  slices  cut  from  the  whole 
fruit,  but  never  bite  it."  Another  custom  is  to  hold  the  apple  in  the  hand 
while  paring  it,  and  to  carry  each  slice  to  the  mouth  on  the  point  of  a  fruit- 
knife  ;  and  in  defiance  of  all  rules,  there  are  a  great  many  people  who  never 
enjoy  apples  thoroughly  unless  they  can  eat  them  in  the  primitive  way. 

Reaching  across  a  neighbor's  plate  for  a  dish,  instead  of  asking  him  to 
pass  it,  or  dipping  the  fingers  in  the  salt  or  sugar  dish,  are  rude  acts.  Take 
bread  or  cake  and  the  like  with  your  fingers,  but  touch  nothing  that  you  do 
not  eat  yourself.  Don't  fear  to  take  the  last  piece.  Not  to  take  it,  if  you 
want  it,  is  as  much  as  to  say  that  you  fear  your  hostess  has  none  in  reserve, 
and  is  a  bad  provider.  If  a  plate  is  handed  you  at  table,  keep  it,  unless 
asked  to  pass  it  to  another.  The  host  knows  whom  he  wishes  to  serve  first. 
Do  not  wait  until  all  are  served,  and  make  an  awkward  pause;  but,  as  soon 
as  you  receive  your  plate,  adjust  your  napkin  in  your  lap,  (not  like  a  child's 
bib,  fastened  at  your  neck,)  and  begin  eating. 

A  comprehensive  rule  for  the  table  is  to  conform,  in  some  degree,  to  the 
usage  of  those  around  us,  though  it  be  different  from  our  own.  It  is  not  in 
good  taste  to  carry  rural  customs  into  the  city,  or  the  formal  and  minute 
etiquette  of  the  city  into  the  country.  People  who  must  live  on  eight  hund- 
red dollars  a  year  cannot  support  the  same  style  with  those  who  spend  eight 
thousand.  It  would  be  snobbish  to  affect  in  the  village  the  formalities  of 
the  aristocratic  society  of  New  York  and  Washington.  The  city-bred  may 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  169 

sometimes  chance  to  dine  with  simple  and  plain  people,  who  have  endeavor- 
ed to  entertain  them  grandly,  though  in  ignorance  of  the  conventionalities 
of  their  high  circle.  It  is  a  mark  of  superior  breeding  to  accept  such  kind- 
ness in  the  spirit  in  which  it  is  offered,  and  put  them  at  ease,  never 
intimating  by  word  or  look  that  anything  singular  and  uncouth  has  been 
discovered.  The  golden  rule  is  the  higher  law  of  etiquette,  and  all  nice  and 
fastidious  observances  must  give  way  before  it. 

There  is  a  good  story  told  of  the  Abbe  Cosson,  an  accomplished  scholar, 
schooled  in  Greek  and  Latin,  and  saturated  with  science.  He  dined  one 
day  at  Versailles,  in  the  company  of  several  courtiers  and  marshals  of 
France,  and,  after  dinner,  the  conversation  running  upon  etiquette  and 
manners  at  table,  was  weak  enough  to  boast  of  his  intimate  acquaintance 
with  the  best  usages  of  society  known  to  diners  out. 

The  Abbe  Delille  listened  to  his  account  of  his  good  manners,  and  then 
offered  a  wager  that,  at  the  dinner  just  served,  he  had  committed  at  least  a 
hundred  errors  or  improprieties. 

"It  is  not  possible,"  said  the  indignant  Abbe.  "I  did  exactly  like  the 
rest  of  the  company." 

"  How  absurd!"  replied  the  other.  "  You  did  a  hundred  things  no  one 
else  did." 

"-First,  when  you  sat  down  at  the  table,  what  did  you  do  with  your 
napkin?  " 

"My  napkin?  Why,  just  what  everybody  else  did.  I  unfolded  it  and 
fastened  it  to  my  button-hole." 

"  Ah!  my  dear  friend,"  said  Delille,  "  you  were  the  only  one  of  the  party 
who  did  that.  No  one  hangs  his  napkin  up  in  that  style;  they  content 
themselves  with  placing  it  across  their  knees." 

"  And  what  did  you  do  when  you  were  served  to  soup?  " 

"Like  the  others,  surely.  I  took  my  spoon  in  my  right  hand  and  my 
fork  in  the  left—" 

"  Your  fork!  who  ever  saw  any  one  eat  bread  out  of  their  soup-plate  with 
a  fork,  before?  " 

"  After  your  soup,  what  did  you  eat?  " 

"  A  fresh  egg."  _r» 

"  And  what  did  you  do  with  the  shell?  " 


170  Dnr&EltS  AXI)  DIXIXG. 

"  Handed  it  to  the  servant." 

"  Without  breaking  it?  " 

"  Yes,  without  breaking  it  up,  of  course." 

"  Ah!  my  dear  Abbe,  nobody  ever  eats  an  egg  without  breaking  the  shell 
afterwards,"  exclaimed  Abbe  Delille. 

"  And  after  your  egg — ?  " 

"  I  asked  the  Abbe  RadonvilUers  to  send  me  a  piece  of  the  hen  near  him." 

"  Bless  my  soul !  a  piece  of  the  hen?  One  should  never  speak  of  hens  out 
of  the  hennery.  You  should  have  asked  for  a  piece  of  fowl  or  chicken.  But 
you  say  nothing  about  your  manner  of  asking  for  wine?  " 

"  Like  the  others,  I  asked  for  claret  and  champagne." 

"  Let  me  inform  you  that  one  should  always  ask  for  claret  wine,  and 
champagne  wine.  But  how  did  you  eat  your  bread?  " 

"Surely,  I  did  that  comme  il  faut.  I  cut  it  with  my  knife  into  small 
mouthfuls,  and  ate  it  with  my  fingers." 

"Bread  should  never  be  cut,  but  always  broken  with  the  fingers.  But 
the  coffee,  how  did  you  manage  that?  " 

"  It  was  rather  too  hot,  so  I  poured  a  little  of  it  into  my  saucer,  and  drank 
it." 

"Well,  there  you  committed  the  greatest  error.  You  should  never  pour 
either  coffee  or  tea  into  your  saucer,  but  always  let  it  cool,  and  drink  it  from 
the  cup." 

The  Abbe  was  decidedly  convicted  of  ignorance  of  the  usages  of  polite 
society,  and  was  deeply  mortified.  But  he  had  been  taught  that  one  might 
be  master  of  the  seven  sciences,  yet  there  was  another  science  which,  if  less 
dignified,  was  no  less  important,  and  that  was  the  etiquette  of  the  table. 

To  speak  of  greater  offences,  which  are  seen  sometimes  at  public  and  pri- 
vate tables,  would  seem  almost  useless,  because  a  man  so  gross  as  not  to  see 
the  offensiveness  of  using  his  own  fork  to  help  another,  or  of  helping  himself 
from  a  dish  with  his  own  knife  or  spoon,  is  too  dull  to  see  the  uses  of  refine- 
ment, or  the  advantage  of  a  daily  life  void  of  offense  toward  others.  Such 
boobies  will  tip  back  their  chairs,  scratch  their  heads,  blow  their  noses,  and 
eat  with  open  mouths  and  a  noise  that  would  do  credit  to  a  pig.  They 
would  not  understand  that  it  is  not  wise  to  take  soup  twice,  because,  while 
a  little  fluid  prepares  the  stomach  for  dinner,  too  much  cloys  the  appetite. 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  171 

They  would  eat  with  a  knife  at  the  risk  of  cutting  the  mouth,  although  a 
fork  is  much  more  convenient  and  safe.  They  would  not  see  how  much 
more  convenient  it  is  when  dishes  are  handed  at  the  left  side,  and  would  be 
constantly  thrusting  to  the  right,  or  from  right  to  left,  in  anticipation  of 
some  new  viand. 

A  lady  who  entertains  should  never  seem  to  pride  herself  particularly  on 
her  table ;  it  is  the  privilege  of  the  guest  to  compliment  her  dishes,  and  even 
he  must  do  it  with  discretion.  It  is  never  in  good  taste  to  urge  people  to  eat 
to  repletion.  It  would  hardly  be  thought  hospitable  to  invite  a  guest  to  cut 
off  his  finger  with  the  carving  knife,  or  to  do  himself  some  other  bodily 
harm;  and  yet  it  would  scarcely  do  more  injury  than  gorging  with  food  for 
which  he  has  no  inclination.  Every  sensible  guest  knows  that  it  is  a  com- 
pliment to  a  dinner  to  eat  liberally  of  it,  and  that  alone  is  a  sufficient 
temptation.  To  add  urgent  solicitation  is  barbarous  hospitality. 

A  hundred  men  die  of  over-eating  to  one  who  perishes  from  over- work r 
and  the  disorders  that  grow  out  of  excesses  at  formal  dinners  are  legion. 
The  goddess  of  Hygiene  ought  to  be  goddess  also  of  Hospitality,  so  that  the 
guest  who  comes  to  us  to  break  bread  with  us,  may  go  away  refreshed,  in- 
stead of  with  dyspepsia  gnawing  at  his  vitals,  and  turning  all  his  philosophy 
into  cynicism.  The  tablecloth  was  formerly  removed  for  dessert,  but  now 
large  napkins  are  placed  under  such  dishes  as  would  be  likely  to  soil  the 
cloth,  and  are  removed  with  the  dishes.  This  plan  is  a  necessity,  as  the 
decorations  of  a  modern  dinner-table  are  not  easily  removed.  Both  host  and 
guest  should  wear  pleasant  faces.  Frowns  and  anxious  looks  impair 
digestion,  as  well  as  destroy  pleasure.  Above  all,  be  quiet  and  easy  in  man- 
ner, and  avoid  fussiness  with  guests  or  servants.  A  dozen  blunders  will  not 
cause  half  as  much  discomfort  among  guests  as  an  agitated  and  uncomfort- 
able mistress.  Nothing  short  of  an  accident  that  threatens  a  guest  with 
instant  death  ought  to  ruffle  the  calm  demeanor  of  those  who  are  presiding 
at  a  dinner.  If  a  guest  errs,  or  is  fussy,  he  probably  annoys  his  neighbor; 
but  if  the  host  or  hostess  are  not  at  ease,  everybody  is  miserable.  No  ser- 
vants are  well-trained  who  are  not  accustomed  to  waiting  on  a  table  prop- 
erly daily.  They  should  be  taught,  when  no  company  is  present,  to  hand 
dishes  and  plates  properly,  to  turn  out  water  on  the  right  of  each  person^to 
fill  tumblers  without  being  asked,  to  anticipate  wants,  to  remove  soiled 


172  DINNERS  AND  DINING. 

plates  and  platters  without  noise  or  bustle,  and,  above  all,  to  be  scrupulous- 
ly neat  and  tidy  in  the  arrangement  of  hair  and  dress.  A  dining-room 
should  always  be  carpeted,  to  deaden  the  sound  of  feet,  and  it  is  a  comfort 
to  ladies  if  they  are  provided  with  low  footstools. 

The  hostess  should  never  strike  her  bell  with  a  spiteful  or  nervous  touch. 
If  she  strikes  it  by  accident,  it  is  customary  to  invent  some  errand  before  the 
servant  arrives 

The  host  should  sit  and  not  stand  while  carving.  It  will  contribute 
greatly  to  his  comfort,  and  to  that  of  all  the  rest,  if  the  knife  be  sharp.  All 
meats  should  be  cut  across  the  grain,  and  in  thin  slices.  Food  should  never 
be  apologized  for.  It  places  the  guest  under  the  necessity  of  either  agreeing 
with  his  entertainers,  or  contradicting  them.  If  he  agrees  with  them,  he 
gives  offense;  if  he  contradicts  them,  he  may  be  saying  what  is  not  true.  It 
is  related  of  Father  Sewall,  a  somewhat  bluff  and  eccentric  minister  in 
Maine,  that  when  an  old  lady  passed  the  doughnuts  to  him,  observing  at  the 
same  time  that  they  were  not  as  good  as  usual,  and  she  feared  they  were  not 
fit  to  eat,  he  at  once  said,  "Then  I  won't  take  any."  "  I'd  have  you  under- 
stand that  they  are  good  enough  for  you,"  was  the  tart  reply. 

When  a  lady  has  guests  of  whose  tastes  she  is  ignorant,  she  should 
provide  old  bread  as  well  as  new.  Dr.  Hurst  writes,  of  the  German  scholar: 
"As  for  hot  bread,  he  never  saw  any,  in  all  probability;  for  all  the  bread 
comes  from  the  baker's,  and  is  served  cold  twice  a  day.  If  by  any  oversight 
he  should  eat  a  couple  of  steaming  soda-biscuits,  it  would  cost  him  a  whole 
day's  work ;  for  he  could  never  bring  himself  to  the  belief  that  he  has  the 
capacity  to  digest  hot  bread.  He  would  moan,  and  smoke,  and  declare,  in 
spite  of  the  papers,  that  the  French  are  marching  straight  for  Berlin."  There 
are  a  few  Americans  who  have  a  similar  prejudice;  and  to  put  nothing  but 
warm  bread  before  them  may  be  placing  them  in  a  dilemma  where  they 
must  choose  between  impoliteness  on  the  one  hand,  and  a  fit  of  indigestion 
on  the  other. 

It  was  Sancho  Panza  who  said,  "God  bless  the  man  who  first  invented 
sleep";  but  thrice  blessed  be  the  man  who  invented  dinner,  say  we  all. 
Who  can  deny  its  potency !  It  not  only  satisfies  hunger,  but  soothes  the 
mind,  allays  the  fever  which  rasping  contact  with  the  world  excites,  and 


DINNERS  AND  DINING.  173 

lends  men  and  women  out  again  into  life,  renewed,  refreshed,  with  strength 
to  think  and  act. 

"  Venison's  a  Caesar  in  the  fiercest  fray, 
Turtle's  an  Alexander  in  its  way; 
And  then  in  quarrels  of  a  slighter  nature, 
Mutton's  a  most  successful  mediator! 
So  much  superior  is  the  stomach's  smart 
To  all  the  vaunted  horrors  of  the  heart, 
E'en  love,  who  often  triumphs  in  his  grief, 
Hath  ceased  to  feed  on  sighs,  to  pant  on  beef." 


BKEAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AM)  TEA. 


"  Behold !  her  breakfasts  shine  with  reputation ; 
Her  lunches  are  the  wonder  of  the  nation ; 
With  teas  she  treats  both  commoners  and  quality, 
Who  praise,  where'er  they  go,  her  hospitality." 

SIDNEY  SMITH  said  he  liked  breakfasts  because  no  one  was  conceited  before 
one  o'clock  in  the  day.  Macaulay  wrote :  "  Dinner  parties  are  mere  formali- 
ties ;  but  you  invite  a  man  to  breakfast  because  you  want  to  see  him."  From 
whatever  cause,  breakfast  parties  are  rapidly  growing  in  popularity  among 
ladies,  who  number  among  their  friends  either  literary  men  or  men  of  leisure. 
The  latter  meet  in  the  morning  before  satiety  has  overtaken  them ;  and  to 
the  former,  the  early  hour  is  more  acceptable,  because  a  perhaps  pernicious 
•custom  has  made  the  night  hours  the  usual  time  for  brain  work. 

The  American  breakfast  differs  from  both  the  English  and  French  in 
many  ways.  In  France,  the  first  breakfast  is  merely  a  cup  of  coffee  and  a 
roll.  At  eleven  a  more  substantial  repast  is  served,  called  a  dejeuner  a  la 
Jourchette  (dishes  that  may  be  eaten  with  a  fork).  In  England,  the  break- 
fast is  a  very  informal  meal.  The  breakfast  hour  is  at  any  time  one  chooses. 
The  tired  guest  enjoys  the  luxury  of  an  hour's  nap  without  anxiety  lest  the 
hostess  may  be  inconvenienced.  He  may  repair  to  the  dining-room  at  his 
pleasure,  or  may  even  have  his  breakfast  served  in  hotel  style,  in  his  room. 
There  is  no  gathering  in  the  drawing-room  and  simultaneous  movement  to 
"the  dining-room ;  it  is  not  even  necessary  for  the  host  or  hostess  to  be  pres- 
ent at  the  table.  There  is  no  distinction  of  rank  or  age,  but  each  drops  in 
when  and  how  he  pleases,  reads  his  papers  and  letters,  and  eats  his  break- 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA.  175 

fast>-a  way  of  disposing  of  what  in  America  is  a  substantial  meal,  which 
New  England  housewives  would  characterize  as  "  shiftless ':  and  intolerable. 
The  English  table  is,  however,  not  devoid  of  attractions.  It  is  decorated 
with  plants  and  flowers,  and  supplied  with  several  kinds  of  bread,  fruits, 
melons,  potted  meats  (of  which  the  English  are  so  fond),  and  fresh  boiled 
eggs.  More  substantial  dishes  are  served  from  a  sideboard,  where  they  are 
kept  warm  in  silver  dishes  over  lamps.  As  members  of  the  family  enter 
they  are  helped  once  by  the  servant,  who  then  leaves  the  room ;  and  any 
further  wants  they  are  left  to  supply  themselves,  unless  they  choose  to  ring 
a  bell.  An  American  breakfast  is  often  all  placed  upon  the  table.  Melons 
or  fruits,  oatmeal  porridge,  or  both,  are  sometimes  served  as  a  first  course, 
and  changes  of  plates  are  also  necessary  when  cakes  with  syrup  are  served. 
Oatmeal  porridge  is  a  popular  and  wholesome  breakfast  dish,  particularly 
for  children.  In  England  its  use  is  universal.  It  is  an  especial  favorite  at 
the  royal  table,  Queen  Victoria  having  become  its  great  advocate  after  see- 
ing the  effect  of  its  use  on  the  ruddy  and  hardy  children  in  Scotland.  A 
taste  for  it,  if  not  natural,  may  be  readily  acquired,  and  then  it  is  greatly 
relished.  Its  special  advantage  to  the  housewife  or  hostess  is,  that  serving 
it  as  a  first  course  gives  the  cook  time  to  prepare  many  dishes,  such  as  steaks 
and  omelets,  while  the  oatmeal  porridge  is  being  eaten,  serving  them  after- 
ward "smoking  hot." 

More  care  than  is  usually  given  to  the  family  breakfast  table  would  be 
well  spent.  The  unceremoniousness  of  the  repast  calls  for  simplicity ;  but 
flowers  are  always  in  good  taste  and  give  the  table  a  fresher  look.  The  table- 
cloth and  napkins  should  be  damask ;  or  they  may  have  a  colored  border  to 
match  the  color  of  the  room.  The  coffee  urn,  which  should  be  at  its  bright- 
est, is  placed  before  the  mistress,  with  its  silver  service.  One  or  two  kinds 
of  substantial  are  placed  before  the  master,  with  vegetables  on  the  flanks. 
The  substantial  should  be  varied  every  day,  variety  being  even  more 
charming  at  breakfast,  when  the  appetite  is  not  full-fledged,  than  at  dinner. 
The  style  of  cooking  a  steak  may  be  varied  in  many  ways,  to  say  nothing  of 
the  vegetables  that  accompany  it  as  garnishes.  Melons,  in  their  season, 
constitute  a  delicious  breakfast  dish,  and  a  distinguished  physician  says 
that  the  occupation  of  his  profession  would  be  gone  if  oranges  were  always 
served  at  breakfast.  Fruits  which,  according  to  the  old  adage,  are 


176  BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA. 

"  gold  in  the  morning,  silver  at  noon,  and  lead  at  night,"  are  always  wel- 
come at  breakfast.  Sliced  tomatoes,  in  their  season,  with  proper  dressing, 
are  exceedingly  refreshing,  and  there  are  hundreds  of  delicious  breakfast- 
dishes,  simple  and  easy  to  prepare,  which  are  both  wholesome  and 
appetizing. 

The  breakfast  party  is  less  expensive  and  less  formal  than  the  dinner. 
The  hour  is  from  nine  to  twelve  o'clock,  the  earlier  hour  being  preferred  by 
most  guests,  unless  the  circumstances  are  exceptional.  If  later,  guests  are 
apt  to  spoil  their  appetites  by  a  preliminary  meal  at  home,  and  the  fine 
dishes  are  likely  to  fail  of  a  proper  appreciation  in  consequence.  In  France, 
the  hour  for  formal  breakfasts  is  later,  but  still  it  is  the  usual  hour  for 
private  breakfasts,  among  society  people.  There  seems  to  be  no  reason  why 
the  French  custom  should  be  followed  in  this  country,  where  "  first  break- 
fasts" are  unknown.  The  American  appetite  rebels  at  the  long  delay, 
though  extremely  formal  breakfasts  are  held  as  late  as  twelve.  Social 
breakfasts,  however,  such  as  are  extended  to  a  stranger,  to  whom  one  desires 
to  present  friends,  are  held  at  ten,  or  earlier.  These  are,  of  course,  real 
breakfasts,  and  are  not  preceded  by  a  repast  at  home.  Business  men  are 
barred  from  them,  but  for  men  of  leisure,  literary  men,  and  artists,  they  are 
more  convenient  and  enjoyable  than  dinners. 

Invitations  to  breakfast,  unless  it  be  a  grand  mid-day  affair,  are  written, 
and  sent  five  days  in  advance  of  the  occasion,  and  if  much  less  notice  is 
given,  even  the  greatest  sticklers  for  formality  are  not  likely  to  be  severely 
shocked.  The  invitation  may  be  an  informal  note,  or  it  may  be  simply  the 
lady's  visiting  card.  In  the  latter  case,  below  the  name  is  simply  written 
the  following,  the  address  appearing  in  the  lower  right  hand  corner,  and  the 
reception  day  in  the  lower  left  hand  corner:  Breakfast  at  ten  o'clock,  March 
31st.  If  the  party  is  not  given  on  the  reception  day,  it  may  be  neatly  erased 
by  a  single  stroke  of  the  pen,  and  the  following  written  under  the  name: 

Breakfast,  Thursday,  at  ten  o'clock. 
March  31st. 

In  writing,  it  should  be  remembered  that  numerals  may  be  used,  when, 
in  an  engraved  card,  they  would  be  permissible  only  in  the  number  of  the 
residence.  These,  like  invitations  to  dine,  require  a  prompt  answer. 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA.  177 

The  simplest  costume  is  the  most  becoming  for  breakfast.  The  gentle- 
men wear  walking  costumes,  and  the  ladies  walking  dresses.  Gloves  are 
removed  at  the  table.  The  entrance,  descent  from  the  dressing-room  to  the 
drawing-room,  and  the  greetings  to  the  hostess,  are  managed  in  the  same 
way  as  for  the  more  formal  dinner.  When  possible,  each  gentleman  is 
assigned  to  the  escort  of  some  lady,  and  if  ladies  are  in  excess,  two  ladies  are 
given  due  notice  that  they  are  partners  for  the  occasion.  If  more  than  eight 
guests  are  present,  their  places  are  designated  by  cards,  as  at  dinners.  The 
host  conducts  the  eldest  lady,  or  the  one  whom  it  is  especially  desired,  for 
any  reason,  to  distinguish;  the  hostess  follows  last,  as  at  dinner;  or  if  there 
be  no  host  present,  the  hostess  leads,  with  the  lady  or  gentleman  on  whom 
she  wishes  to  confer  this  mark  of  her  esteem. 

In  serving  breakfast,  there  is  little  difference  in  forms,  except  that  there 
are  fewer  courses,  and  that  the  hostess  serves  the  coffee,  chocolate,  and  tea. 
The  other  dishes  may  be  served  from  the  side-table,  or  by  the  host. 

The  bill  of  fare  should  never  be  elaborate,  but  rather  dainty  and  tasteful. 
The  few  courses  should  be  of  the  best  and  choicest,  with  nothing  heavy,  or 
excessive  in  quantity.  It  is  well-bred  to  serve  the  breakfast  with  as  little 
formality,  and  as  little  attendance  as  possible,  and  in  families  where  dinners 
are  formal  affairs,  with  numerous  servants,  a  neatly  attired  maid,  or  a  single 
waiter,  suffice  for  the  earliest  meal  of  the  day.  For  simple  breakfasts,  such 
as  have  been  described,  no  formal  after-call  is  expected. 

Ooodholme's  Cyclopaedia  furnishes  us  with  several  excellent  breakfast 
bills  of  fare. 

PLAIN  BREAKFASTS. 


SPRING. 

Oatmeal  and  milk. 

Stewed  apples. 

Rolls,  butter,  coffee,  chocolate,  broma,  or  tea. 

Beefsteak,  broiled  oysters. 

Lyonnaise  potatoes,  poached  eggs  on  toast. 

Rice  cakes,  syrup. 

Coarse  hominy,  bpiled. 
Strawberries  and  cream. 
Bread,  butter,  coffee,  etc. 
Boiled  chicken,  stewed  potatoes. 
Dried  beef,  dressed  with  cream. 
Radishes. 
Muffins. 


178  BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA. 


Oatmeal  mush,  fried  in  slices. 
Peaches  and  cream,  or  blackberries. 
Brown  bread,  rolls,  butter,  coffee,  etc. 
Lamb  chops,  fried  potatoes. 
Mushrooms  baked  and  served  on  toast. 
Sliced  tomatoes,  dressed  as  i  salad. 

WINTER. 
Fried  mush. 
Baked  sweet  apples. 
Rolls,  bread,  butter,  coffee,  etc. 
Turkey  hash,  stewed  potatoes. 
Salt  mackerel. 
Buckwheat  cakes,  syrup. 


BREAKFAST  PARTIES. 


EARLY  SPRING. 

Grapes,  apples,  oranges. 
' 


^  Tour  Blanche. 


Roast  English  snipe, 
i  Baked  mushrooms, 
i  Lobster  salad. 
)  Bread,  butter,  crackers. 
(  Chocolate  eclairs. 
iVauilla  ice-cream. 


Berries  and  peaches,  with  cream. 
(  Brook  trout  broiled,  with  tomato  sauce.) 
<Boiled  potatoes  pickled  gherkins,  and>  Chablis. 
<    olives.  ) 


With|  Chateau  La  Rose. 
Cauliflower  bread-crumbed. 

(Fillets  of  chickens  enjricasse,  with) 

3    rice.  >  Hockheimer. 

(Brussel  sprouts  a  la  Bechamel.          > 

(  Fried  oysters. 

jCelery  and  lettuce,  mixed  with  mayonnaise. 
Tutti  frutti,  assorted  cakes,  coffee. 

WINTER. 

Chicken  consomme,  with  poached  eggs.       (Madeira.) 


(Small  middle  cut  of  salmon, 


ia 


with  anchovy  sauce  and  shrimps. 

(Potatoes  a  la  Printaniere. 

(  Chicken  croquettes.  )        Clos 

(Canned  string  beans,  (Haricots  verts.)  \    Vougeot. 
Sorbet  au  klrchivasser. 

(Roast  saddle  of  Southdown  mutton,    i 

<    sauce  soubisc.  >  Sauterne. 

'  Turnips  a  u  veloute.  ) 

J  Broiled  quails  aux  crolouns. 

\  Endive,  with  plain  dressing. 

(Cream,  in  mould  of  swan  and  cygnets.) 

<Macaroons,  bonbons,  chocolate  wafers.>  Sherry. 

'Fruits  and  nuts.  « 

Vienna  coffee,  (coffee  with  whipped  cream  piled  on  it.) 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA.  179 

Very  formal  breakfasts  require  more  elaborate  invitations,  and  handsome, 
but  not  full  evening  toilets  for  the  ladies.  Gentlemen  wear  frock-coats,  with 
waist-coats  to  correspond,  and  light-colored  trousers;  or,  if  they  choose, 
white  vests,  light  gloves,  and  colored  ties.  A  gentleman  learns  to  what  lady 
he  has  been  assigned,  by  the  card  which  he  finds  awaiting  him  in  the  dress- 
ing-room, or  presented  to  him  in  the  hall  by  a  servant. .  If  a  stranger,  he  is 
presented  by  the  host, — after  greeting  the  hostess, — and  when  breakfast  is 
announced,  he  offers  his  right  arm  and  escorts  her  to  the  place  assigned, 
which  he  finds  by  a  card  upon  the  plate,  having  previously  received  a  hint 
from  host  or  hostess  as  to  the  side  of  the  table.  When  the  ladies  have  been 
assisted  to  their  seats,  and  the  hostess  has  taken  hers,  the  gentlemen  follow 
their  example,  and  breakfast  is  served.  The  signal  for  rising  is  given  by  the 
hostess  to  the  lady  opposite  her,  all  seek  the  drawing-room,  and  soon  take 
their  leave. 

The  after-call  is  as  necessary  after  a  formal  breakfast  as  after  a  dinner  or 
a  ball,  whether  the  invitation  was  accepted  or  not.  If  the  hostess  has  a 
reception  day,  ladies  must  call  in  person  on  that  day.  Gentlemen,  whose 
engagements  prevent  calling  within  conventional  hours,  may  call  in  the 
evening,  or  send  their  cards  by  messenger  or  post  in  acknowledgement  of  the 
courtesy. 

Wedding  breakfasts  are  formal  affairs,  little  else  than  a  fashionable  ball- 
supper  by  daylight,  and  the  bill  of  fare  is  made  up  of  stewed  oysters,  mayon- 
naise of  fowl,  cold  game,  ices,  pyramids,  and  confections,  the  dishes  varying, 
of  course,  with  the  season  of  the  year.  The  proper  costume  for  gentlemen  is 
frock-coats,  with  light  vests  and  trousers ;  ladies  wear  visiting  costumes,  and, 
unless  intimate,  do  not  remove  their  bonnets.  The  bride  and  bridegroom 
lead  to  the  banquet,  and  the  other  guests  follow  with  all  the  ceremony 
observed  at  a  formal  dinner. 

Both  ladies  and  gentlemen  attend  breakfast  as  well  as  dinner  parties,  but 
luncheon  is  almost  exclusively  a  ladies'  affair.  It  is  generally  an  informal 
mid-day  meal,  where  everything  is  placed  upon  the  table  at  once.  The  ser- 
vant serves  only  the  first  round  of  dishes,  and  then  retires,  leaving  the  field 
free  for  those  confidential  conversations  in  which  ladies  so  much  delght. 
Familiar  friends  are  always  expected,  and  made  welcome.  The  repast  may 
be  elaborately  made  up  of  chickens,  oysters,  salads,  chocolate,  and  a  variety 


180  BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA. 

of  good  things,  enough  to  destroy  the  appetite  for  dinner;  it  may  be  just  as 
fashionable,  and  simply  consist  of  a  cup  of  tea  or  chocolate,  some  thin  slices 
of  bread  and  butter,  and  cold  meat,  or  even  choice  crackers  and  ale,  reserving 
the  appetite  for  dinner. 

It  usually  occurs  about  one  o'clock,  answering  in  many  respects  to  the 
fashionable  dejeuner  of  the  French  people,  and  it  may  be  as  early  as  half- 
past  eleven,  or  it  may  be  given  at  two.  The  English  gentry  invite  you  to  a 
luncheon  party  at  five  in  the  afternoon.  There  is  a  general  impression  among 
fashionable  people  that  the  later  the  hour  for  a  luncheon  party,  the  more 
elegant  is  the  entertainment,  but  this  ought  not  to  be  the  only  consideration! 
Health  and  convenience  also  have  some  claims. 

Invitations  to  a  small  luncheon  party  are  very  informal.  Sometimes  a 
lady  who  has  reserved  a  day  for  calls,  selects  that  one  on  which  to  give  her 
luncheon.  The  invitation  is  very  simple,  and  may  be  written  in  the  style 
of  a  familiar  note  of  friendship.  Oftener  the  lady  uses  her  visiting  card  to 
convey  her  wishes.  This  supposes  that  the  card  is  engraved  in  the  fashion 
customary  in  New  York — the  address  engraved  in  the  right  hand  corner, 
the  receiving  day  in  the  left,  then  underneath  the  lady's  name  is  briefly 
written : 

Luncheon  at  one  o'clock, 
May  15th. 

If  any  other  day  of  the  week  is  preferred,  and  a  card  is  used,  a  line  is 
drawn  through  the  engraved  day,  and  the  following  form  is  written : 

Luncheon,  Thursday,  at  one  o'clock, 
May  18th. 

Such  a  luncheon  does  not  require  to  be  elaborate.  Large  joints  should 
not  be  served,  but  there  is  the  same  opportunity  to  display  good  taste  and  a 
well  appointed  table  as  at  a  grander  entertainment.  Dishes  are  fewer  in 
number,  and  may  be  placed  upon  the  table  or  served  in  courses.  Instead  of 
the  coffee  being  served  in  the  parlor,  as  after  a  dinner,  the  hostess  presides 
over  the  coffee  urn  at  the  luncheon  table.  Tea  and  chocolate  should  also  be 
dispensed  to  the  guests. 

Ladies  attend  such  an  entertainment  as  this  in  a  handsome  walking 
costume  and  visiting  gloves,  and  gentlemen  in  an  elegant  morning  suit;  but 
to  go  carelessly  attired  is  a  very  poor  compliment  to  the  hostess,  who  gives 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA.  181 

herself  the  trouble  of  bringing  a  number  of  people  together  for  mutual 
gratification. 

Luncheons  of  ceremony,  such  as  are  often  given  for  a  bridal  party,  or  any 
other  festal  occasion,  may  be  very  grand  affairs.  At  such  times,  the 
windows  should  be  darkened  by  closing  the  shutters,  and  the  rooms  should 
be  brilliantly  lighted  within.  Flowers  should  be  profusely  and  artistically 
disposed  about  the  parlor  and  dining-room,  and  the  table  delicately 
sumptuous.  The  food  cannot  be  too  dainty;  broiled  delicacies  take  the 
place  of  the  heavy  roasts,  that  are  appropriate  for  dinner,  and  everything 
should  be  abundant  without  excess.  Dainty  bouquets  are  put  in  fancifully 
folded  napkins,  and  placed  for  each  guest.  The  toilets  of  the  ladies  should 
be  elegant,  and  suited  to  the  grandeur  of  the  occasion,  but  they  should  be 
distinguished  from  an  evening  toilet  in  this  respect — they  should  never  be 
decollettfi. 

The  invitations  to  a  formal  luncheon  party  should  be  handsomely 
engraved,  and  may  read  like  this: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  August  Van  Doren 
request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 

at  Luncheon, 
Tuesday,  May  20th,  at  two  o'clock. 

After  calls  are  just  as  obligatory  to  one  who  has  received  a  grand  mid-day 
hospitality  as  after  an  evening  party,  and  this  polite  acknowledgement 
should  be  made  within  the  week  of  the  entertainment.  Guests  are  not 
expected  to  remain  longer  than  half  an  hour  after  they  return  to  the  parlor, 
unless  dancing  follows. 

At  a  formal  luncheon,  each  dish  is  served  as  a  separate  course.  If  the 
party  is  small,  it  may  be  placed  before  the  hostess  to  be  served  by  her,  but  is 
oftener  served  in  the  Russian  fashion.  The  table  is  decorated  with  flowers 
or  fruit,  or  both,  and  around  the  centre-piece  are  grouped  the  various  dishes, 
containing  fruits,  fancy  cakes,  bon-bons,  and  preserves.  Other  dishes  of 
pretty  designs,  filled  with  cut  flowers,  are  artistically  placed  where  they  will 
add  most  to  the  freshness  and  beauty  of  the  table.  The  tablecloth  is  usually 
colored.  The  dishes  are  such  as  do  not  require  carving, — salads,  game, 
oysters,  croquettes.  Bouillon  is  generally  served  first,  in  large  coffee-cups, 
or  in  soup-plates,  as  preferred,  and  a  cup  of  chocolate,  with  whipped  cream, 
is  often  served  as  a  course  by  itself. 


182  BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA. 

The  following  is  a  bill  of  fare  for  a  formal  luncheon : 

Raw  oysters  on  half  shell. 

Bouillon. 
Vols-au-vent  of  Sweet-Breads. 

Lamb-Chops,  Tomato-Sauce. 
Chicken    Croquettes,   French    Peon. 

Salad  of  Lettuce. 

Neuchatel  Cheese,  Milk  Wafers  toasted. 

Chocolate  Bavarian  cream,  molded  in  small  cups,  with  a  spoonful  of 

Peach   Marmalade  on   each  plate. 

Vanilla  Ice  Cream,  Fancy  Cakes. 

Fruit. 

If  ladies  only  are  present,  the  hostess  leads  the  way  to  the  table,  keeping 
the  most  honored  lady  of  the  party  at  her  right,  but  not  offering  her  arm. 
The  guests  follow,  and  seat  themselves  as  they  choose.  If  gentlemen  also 
are  present,  the  same  order  is  observed  in  receiving  and  disposing  of  guests, 
at  a  formal  luncheon,  as  at  a  dinner  party ;  but  at  an  informal  affair,  the 
gentlemen  follow  the  ladies  in  a  body.  Gloves  are  removed  at  the  table. 
Written  bills  of  fare  are  not  usually  furnished,  but  a  formal  luncheon  some- 
times has  as  many  courses  as  a  dinner,  and,  in  that  case,  a  bill  of  fare  is  not 
only  proper,  but  almost  necessary,  in  order  that  guests  may  choose  out  of 
the  profusion  the  kinds  they  prefer.  It  is  in  better  form,  however,  to  reduce 
the  number  of  dishes.  For  ordinary  occasions,  bouillon,  rissoles  of  sweet- 
breads, fillets  of  fish,  cutlets  with  potatoes  crisply  fried,  quails,  followed  by 
sweets,  fruits  and  coffee. 

England  has  an  entertainment  known  as  "high  tea,"  which  New  England 
people  copy  in  their  "  tea  parties."  The  table  is  spread  with  a  white  cloth, 
flowers  and  fruit  appear  in  stands,  berries,  in  their  season,  in  cut-glass  bowls, 
cream  in  glass  jugs  or  odd  silver  pitchers,  preserves  in  cut-glass  dishes  with 
silver  stands,  and  all  these  supplemented  by  hot  rolls,  muffins  or  waffles,  and 
toast.  Broiled  spring  chickens  or  partridges  set  out  in  covered  dishes,  and  tea 
and  coffee  are  served  by  the  hostess  from  one  end  of  the  table.  The  servant 
is  in  attendance  until  the  fruit  is  passed,  and  then  retires,  leaving  all  to 
digest  their  repast  with  the  usual  chatting  over  the  cups  that  "cheer  but  not 
inebriate."  They  are  given  at  five  o'clock,  and  the  invitation  is  issued  on 
the  lower  left  hand  corner  of  the  lady's  visiting  card : 

Five  o'clock  tea. 
Monday,  March  7th. 


BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA.  183 

A  popular  writer  assigns  suppers  exclusively  to  gentlemen.  If  this  is  so, 
the  directions  for  a  supper  are  very  few  and  simple;  but  we  see  no  reason 
why  these  evening  re-unions  should  be  monopolized  by  the  gentlemen  that 
does  not  hold  good  in  favor  of  banishing  men  from  the  delights  of  luncheon. 
Suppers  have  always  been  invested  with  a  peculiar  charm.  They  are  the 
most  conversational,  the  most  intimate,  and  they  may  be  the  most  poetic  of 
all  social  repasts.  They  are  the  favorite  entertainments  of  men  of  letters,, 
the  inspiration  of  poets,  and  a  form  of  hospitality  eminent  in  history.  Who 
has  not  heard  of  the  "petits  soupers"  of  the  Regency,  and  the  brilliant 
minds  that  there  assembled  ?  But  we  leave  it  to  masculine  gallantry  to 
throw  the  doors  of  the  modern  supper-room  open  to  that  presence  which  has 
always  softened,  refined,  and  elevated  the  tone  of  every  assembly  that  has 
welcomed  it. 

These  parties  for  gentlemen  usually  take  some  distinctive  name,  such  as 
fish  supper,  game  supper,  champagne  supper,  etc.,  and  each  differs  in  its  ap- 
propriate supplies  for  the  table.  When  a  fish  supper  is  given,  the  dishes  are 
mainly,  if  not  entirely,  made  up  of  the  products  of  the  sea,  the  river,  and  the 
brooklet.  Salads,  olives,  pickles  and  sauces,  however,  are  the  necessary 
relishes.  Sweet  desserts  form  no  portion  of  a  fish  supper,  but  fruit  of  all 
kinds,  with  coffee  and  wines,  are  appropriate  additions.  A  game  supper  is 
chiefly  composed  of  wild  fowl,  followed  by  jellies, .creams,  and  bon-bons.  A 
wine  or  champagne  supper  admits  of  almost  every  variety  of  luxurious 
dishes.  It  differs  very  little  from  a  dinner,  except  that  the  delicacies  are 
cold,  instead  of  hot,  and,  of  course,  there  are  no  vegetables.  There  are  fillets 
of  game,  boned  turkey,  spiced  fish,  and  all  the  dainty  and  delicious  com- 
pounds for  the  desserts — ices,  sweet  jellies,  creams,  everything  that  delights 
the  palate,  and  demoralizes  and  ruins  digestion. 

Gentlemen  are  subject  to  the  same  rules  of  etiquette  that  control  the 
manners  and  actions  of  ladies ;  still,  what  would  be  ceremonious  if  given  by 
a  lady  would  be  quite  free  from  formality  when  gentlemen  entertain ;  there- 
fore an  invitation  to  such  parties  as  we  have  just  described  would  be  very 
simple.  It  might  be  given  in  person,  it  might  be  made  by  a  friendly  noto, 
or  the  request  might  be  written  on  the  host's  card,  like  this: 

Supper  at  ten  o'clock,  _^ 

Wednesday,    May    17th. 


184  '  BREAKFAST,  LUNCHEON  AND  TEA. 

The  forms  and  customs  given  in  this  and  previous  chapters  are  those 
observed  in  the  crowded  circles  of  the  larger  cities,  where  formality  is 
necessary  to  prevent  too  great  inroads  upon  time  by  the  demands  of  society. 
When  these  are  thoroughly  understood,  common  sense  will  teach  what  it  is 
necessary  to  do,  and  what  to  leave  undone,  in  smaller  circles,  and  in 
circumstances  which  require  less  elaborate  details  and  less  formality.  Let 
no  one  suppose  that  inability  to  give  these  elaborate  affairs  releases  him 
from  the  obligations  of  hospitality.  Each  owes  it  to  society  and  to  himself, 
for  the  cultivation  of  his  better  nature,  to  give  as  many  and  as  good  enter- 
tainments as  is  possible,  circumstances,  and  a  proper  regulation  of  expenses 
to  income  being  considered.  It  is  a  duty  incumbent  on  each  to  bear  a  due 
share  of  social  burdens;  indeed,  when  given  in  the  true  spirit  of  hospitality, 
and  not  simply  as  an  irksome  payment  of  a  social  debt,  an  entertainment  is 
a  pleasure,  and  not  a  burden.  Too  many  people  do  not  give  parties  or 
dinners,  because  they  cannot  afford  to  give  such  elaborate  and  stylish  ones 
as  their  neighbors  afford,  as  if  good  fellowship  was  a  matter  of  numberless 
courses  or  costly  wines.  There  is  a  wise  saying  that  "  a  dinner  of  herbs 
where  love  is,  is  better  than  a  stalled  ox  and  hatred  therewith;"  and  the 
simplest  dinner,  served  in  friendship,  has  in  it  more  that  softens  and  refines, 
than  the  most  stately  banquet,  with  its  satiety  and  dull  formalities,  if  unsea- 
soned by  the  subtle  spirit  of  friendly  interest  and  feeling.  Of  course,  grand 
dinners  are  not  always  selfish  and  inhospitable  affairs,  nor  are  all  simple 
dinners,  given  by  plain  people,  served  in  the  true  spirit  of  kindly  hospitality. 
Not  all  the  hearty  friendship  of  the  world  is  monopolized  by  the  poor ;  the 
rich  and  cultured,  as  well  as  plainer  people,  sometimes  have  warm  places  in 
hearts,  and  give  warm  welcomes  to  their  friends.  There  are  those,  too,  in 
the  humbler  walks  of  life,  whom  the  struggle  with  the  world  has  not  taught 
charity;  but  there  is  no  more  reason  why  the  rich  should  claim  and 
monopolize  all  the  refinements  of  the  table,  than  that,  as  Wesley  put  it, 
41  the  devil  should  have  all  the  best  tunes."  Rich  or  poor,  it  is  possible  for 
all  to  cultivate  kindly  feelings,  and  to  offer  such  hospitality  as  is  within 
their  means  and  fitting  in  their  station. 


THE  WEDDING  DAY. 


"  Take  this  much  of  my  counsel.    Marry  not 
In  haste;  for  she  that  takes  the  best  of  husbands 
Puts  on  a  golden  fetter:  For  husbands 
Are  like  to  painied  fruits,  which  promise  much, 
But  still  deceive  us,  when  we  come  to  touch  them." 

"Regard  not  the  figure,  young  man ;  look  at  the  heart; 
The  heart  of  a  woman  is  sometimes  deformed." 


THE  spectacle  of  the  wedding  ceremony,  a  union  of  two  persons  who  appear 
publicly  to  plight  their  troth  for  better  or  for  worse  in  this  world,  to  declare 
their  infinite  faith  in  each  other,  and  their  belief  that  they  were  made  for 
each  other  's  society,  is  never  tiresome.  Enforced  as  it  is  by  legal  enactments, 
which  demand  forms  anything  but  picturesque  in  themselves,  it  is  the  one 
ceremony  which  the  heart  of  the  race  has  invested  with  a  glow  of  sentiment 
and  sweet  romance.  In  spite  of  all  that  cynics  have  written,  the  belief  exists 
that  marriage  doubles  the  joys  of  life.  The  novelist  takes  his  hero  and 
heroine  through  a  long  courtship,  marries  them,  and  adds,  "and  they  lived 
happy  ever  after,"  while  every  reader  lays  down  the  book  with  an  approving 
smile. 

There  are  certain  well-established  ceremonies  on  the  occasion  of  a  wed- 
ding, forms  that  have  come  down,  generally,  through  the  churches, — for  mar- 
riage is  a  religious,  as  well  as  a  legal  rite.  These  refined  and  beautiful  cus- 
toms admit  of  such  variations  as  suit  the  tastes  and  means  of  the  contract- 
ing parties,  and  add  an  individual  and  poetic  grace  and  charm,  without  de- 
tracting from  the  dignity  of  the  forms  which  long  use  has  made  venerable 
and  impressive.  These  must  be  harmonious,  and  in  perfect  keeping  with  the 


186  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

occasion,  like  the  dress  of  the  bride,  which  admits  only  of  such  artistic  va- 
riations as  add  to  its  beauty,  while  so  strictly  preserving  its  peculiar  charms 
that  it  could  never  be  mistaken  for  a  garment  intended  for  any  other  festivity. 

Cupid  is  a  lawless  god,  and  rings  as  many  changes  on  the  "  old,  old  story  " 
as  there  are  individual  characters  with  which  he'deals.  The  preliminary 
steps  that  lead  to  the  altar,  when  the  parties  are  drawn  together  by  mutual 
attraction,  are  not  controlled  by  any  written  code.  Perfect  candor  is  always 
the  best  guide  in  matters  of  the  heart;  indeed,  any  hint  of  affectation,  or 
striving  after  effect,  is  good  evidence  that  the  affections  are  not  enlisted. 
Lady  Mary  Wortley  Montague's  love  letters  are  considered  models  to  this 
day,  and  yet,  although  she  was  an  exceedingly  artificial  woman,  she  writes 
in  a  most  unaffected  and  natural  style.  Love  sentiment  is  always  direct  and 
candid,  and  flowers  of  rhetoric,  curious  conceits,  and  learned  quotations, 
never  stray  into  the  letters  of  real  lovers. 

Next  to  the  man  who  flirts,  the  woman  who  flirts  is  the  most  despicable. 
There  are  many  young  women  who  pride  themselves  on  the  conquests  they 
have  made,  and  the  offers  of  marriage  they  have  refused.  The  number  of 
men  who  have  died  of  broken  hearts  is  not  numerous ;  but  to  give  pain,  and 
possibly  render  men  unhappy  for  life,  in  order  to  gratify  a  foolish  vanity,  is 
not  only  cruel  and  unwomanly,  but  dishonorable,  and  the  woman  who  per- 
mits herself  to  trifle  with  men's  hearts  to  try  her  power,  will  fail  to  develop 
that  high  character  which  alone  fits  her  for  domestic  happiness. 

"  I  could  not  love  thee,  dear,  so  much, 
Loved  I  not  honor  more," 

must  be  the  motto  of  every  woman  who  wishes  to  ennoble  and  purify  her 
own  and  her  lover's  life.  The  chief  attraction  in  woman  to  honorable  man- 
hood is  that  virginal  freshness  of  the  affections,  and  that  quiet  dignity, 
which  reserves  her  charms  for  him  who  wins  her  heart.  The  flirt  finds  to 
her  sorrow,  when  passing  years  warn  her  to  cultivate  a  serious  affection,  that 
the  bloom  is  worn  off,  and  her  power  to  charm  is  gone.  It  is  then  her  fate 
to  reap  in  tears  the  harvest  she  has  sown  in  pride. 

But  basest  of  all  the  acts  of  a  vain  woman  is  the  exposure  of  a  discarded 
lover.  The  pain  of  rejection  is  keen  enough  without  being  known  as  a 
rejected  suitor;  and  no  young  lady  who  is  decently  generous,  to  say  nothing 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  187 

of  good  breeding,  will  fail  to  keep  his  secret  sacredly.  An  offer  of  marriage 
is  the  highest  compliment  a  man  can  pay  a  woman,  and,  if  refused,  the 
knowledge  of  it  should  never  go  farther  than  a  parent,  or  a  near  friend  and 
adviser.  A  little  tact  on  the  part  of  a  generous  woman  will  generally  avoid 
the  painful  necessity  of  a  direct  refusal.  If  a  lady,  not  inordinately  vain, 
finds  that  she  is  an  object  of  especial  regard,  and  does  not  incline  to  encour- 
age the  suitor,  she  will,  without  treating  him  rudely,  manage  to  check  his 
ardor,  and  let  him  understand  that  his  addresses  will  not  be  acceptable.  A 
polite  coolness  will  discourage  him,  if  he  is  discerning,  and  save  to  both  the 
pain  of  a  refusal  and  a  scene.  But  if  the  man  prove  so  obtuse  that  he  will 
not  see  the  drift  of  her  conduct,  it  is  better,  without  allowing  him  to  linger, 
to  give  the  opportunity  he  seeks  and  return  a  polite  but  steady  and  positive 
refusal.  If  there  is  no  lingering  doubt  as  to  the  positiveness  of  her  determin- 
ation, he  will,  if  he  is  a  gentleman,  pursue  her  no  more.  It  is  an  imperative 
rule  never  to  receive  particular  attentions  from  men  whom,  for  any  reason, 
there  is  no  desire  to  encourage ;  and  honorable  men,  if  endowed  with 
good  sense,  will  never  seek  in  marriage  any  woman  who  has,  deservedly,  the 
reputation  of  a  flirt.  They  may  dance  with  her,  sing  with  her,  and  even  flirt 
with  her,  but  do  not  admit  her  to  a  serious  friendship,  even,  to  say  nothing 
of  a  dearer  relation. 

But  there  is  another  reason  why  no  young  lady  should  permit  marked 
attentions  from  any  gentleman  whom  she  does  not  wish  to  encourage.  She 
not  only  injures  the  gentleman  by  appearing  to  accept  his  suit,  but  injures 
herself  by  leading  others  more  agreeable  and  more  eligible  to  keep  aloof  from 
her,  under  the  impression  that  her  feelings  are  already  interested.  Man 
proposes,  but  it  is  woman's  prerogative  to  accept  or  refuse,  and  if  she  has 
tact  she  will  manage  to  refuse  an  offer  before  it  is  given,  by  warding  off 
attentions  which  otherwise  might  become  so  marked  as  to  deprive  her  of  the 
society  of  other  gentlemen  ;  and  this  she  is  often  able  to  do  while  retaining 
her  would-be  lover  on  her  list  of  friends. 

A  gentleman  whose  attentions  do  not  lead  toward  marriage  must  not  pay 
too  exclusive  attention  to  any  particular  lady.  He  may  call  upon  all  and  be 
escort  to  any  public  place,  on  any  occasion,  and  no  one  of  the  many  has  a 
right  to  feel  herself  singled  out  as  a  special  object  of  attention ;  but  when  he 
devotes  himself  exclusively  to  one,  she  has  a  right  to  regard  herself  as  the 


188  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

attraction,  and  to  loosen  the  reins  of  restraint  upon  her  own  heart.  Even 
where  the  attentions  are  bestowed  under  the  name  of  a  friendship  mutually 
agreeable  and  profitable,  there  is  danger  that  the  affections  of  one  may  be 
unwittingly  enlisted  without  a  responsive  warmth  in  the  other;  and  if  both 
escape,  the  lady  is  grievously  wronged,  because  the  apparent  intimacy  bars 
out  gentlemen  who  might  become  real  and  acceptable  lovers,  during  the 
years  when  the  charms  of  youth  are  most  powerful.  Let  the  young  lady  who 
hopes  to  win  the  man  of  her  choice  as  a  husband,  beware  of  men  who  seek 
to  enjoy  her  society,  to  the  exclusion  of  others,  under  the  specious  guise  of 
friendship. 

A  man  ought  always  to  be  able  to  judge  beforehand  whether  his  atten- 
tions are  agreeable.  No  one  likes  to  be  refused,  and  a  man  of  tact  will  not 
risk  refusal.  It  is  not  only  inviting  humiliation,  but  exceedingly  presump- 
tuous to  make  an  offer  of  marriage  to  a  lady  on  a  brief  acquaintance.  To 
say  the  least,  it  shows  either  a  lack  of  good  breeding  and  a  light  estimate  of 
the  relation  itself,  or  a  low  opinion  of  the  lady's  discretion.  Besides,  while 
it  is  love  that  makes  marriage  pure  and  perfect,  there  are  many  to  whom 
love  is  possible,  who  could  never  realize  happiness  in  marriage.  To  deter- 
mine whether  the  qualities  that  insure  faithfulness  and  respect  are  present, 
requires  thorough  acquaintance,  harmony  of  tastes  and  temperaments,  and 
not  too  great  a  difference  in  social  position.  Those  who  marry  otherwise  do 
so  at  their  peril ;  and,  as  a  rule,  only  to  bitterly  repent  it.  The  man  who 
hastily  proposes  is  lacking  in  the  solid  sense  needed  in  the  wear  and  tear  of 
daily  life ;  while,  to  say  the  least,  the  woman  who  as  hastily  accepts  is  hardly 
discreet  enough  to  be  a  good  and  loyal  wife. 

The  man  who  not  only  pays  a  lady  particular  attention,  but  by  actions, 
looks,  and  gallant  attentions  does  all  that  is  possible  to  express  his  love, 
without  committing  himself  in  words,  and  then  wantonly  withdraws  his 
attentions,  to  transfer  them  to  another,  is  beneath  all  contempt.  His  action 
is  not  only  wanton  and  cruel,  but  cowardly,  because  the  wrong  is  done  to 
one  weaker  than  himself,  who  has  no  remedy  but  silence. 

The  rejected  suitor  has  no  course  but  to  accept  the  lady's  decision.  He 
may  not  even  ask  a  reason  for  the  refusal;  but  if  voluntarily  given,  it  is  an 
inviolable  secret,  never  to  be  divulged  without  her  permission.  To  follow 
up  his  suit  would  justly  subject  him  to  further  humiliation.  It  is  better  for 


THE   WEDDING  DA  Y.  189 

him  to  withdraw  as  much  as  possible  from  her  circle,  that  she  may  be 
spared  the  remembrance  of  what  must  always  Joe  painful  to  a  woman  of 
kindly  heart.  Of  course,  the  rejected  suitor  who  becomes  an  enemy,  and 
seeks  to  avenge  his  fancied  wrong,  is  too  cowardly  to  deserve  the  name  of 
gentleman. 

Thore  are  so  many  circumstances  that  are  to  be  considered,  in  making  an 
avowal  of  love,  that  advice  is  impossible.  If  the  heart  speaks,  it  will  speak 
trul  /.  The  time  when  is  a  matter  for  the  head  to  decide.  If  a  letter 
declares  the  passion,  it  must  be  simple,  clear,  honest,  manly,  and,  above  all, 
deeply  respectful.  If  a  personal  interview  decides  the  weal  or  woe  of  the 
lover,  no  matter  how  simple  the  language  may  be,  or  how  awkward  the 
confession,  it  will  doubtless  be  invested,  to  the  lovers  at  least,  with  all  the 
poetry  and  romance  with  which  this,  the  sweetest  moment  of  their  lives, 
ought  to  be  hallowed ;  and  so  long  as  it  is  poetry  to  them,  what  matters  it 
how  prosy  it  seems  to  the  rest  of  the  world.  It  is  matter  that  is  none  of  the 
world's  business. 

An  offer  made  should  be  received  seriously,  and  with  dignity,  however 
tendered;  if  by  letter,  a  prompt  and  courteous  answer  is  demanded.  The 
form  and  manner  of  beginning  will  depend  on  the  degree  of  friendship 
which  has  previously  existed.  To  begin  a  refusal  with  "  M  Dear  Edward" 
or  an  acceptance  in  the  formal  style  of  a  business  letter, 

Mr.  Edward  Steadman, 

Boston,  Mass. 

Sir: 

would  be  manifestly  not  in  keeping  with  the  tenor  of  the  letter.  Form  in 
such  matters  is  of  little  consequence,. so  a  spirit  of  candor  and  frankness 
pervades  the  contents.  Before  accepting  an  offer  of  marriage,  it  is  wise  to 
consult  parents,  or,  in  their  absence,  some  discreet,  matronly  friend.  If 
undecided  as  to  her  own  feelings,  it  is  perfectly  proper  and  honorable  for  a 
lady  to  ask  delay  for  further  acquaintance.  If  the  suitor's  conversation 
interests,  and  his  attentions  gratify,  the  question  to  decide  is  whether  his 
habitual  presence  would  be  a  comfort  and  delight;  this  point  settled,  an 
early  and  final  decision  is  due. 

The  gentleman  once  accepted,  the  engagement,  which  should  never  be 
protracted,  may  be  rich  and  precious,  or,  as  the  poet  has  described  it, 


190  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

"The  gnawing  envy,  the  heart-fretting  fear, 
The  vain  surmise,  the  distrustful  show, 
The  fatee  reports  that  flying  tales  do  bear, 
The  doubts,  the  dangers,  the  delays,  the  woes, 
The  feigned  friends,  the  unassured  foes, 
With  thousands  more  than  any  tongue  can  tell, 
Do  make  a  lover's  life  a  witch's  hell." 

A  mutual  desire  to  please,  a  kind  forbearance,  a  just  recognition  o"  each 
other's  rights,  and  a  discreet  silence  regarding  each  other  among  friend^,  are 
all  necessary  to  peace  and  happiness  before  as  well  as  after  marriage.  The 
woman  who  tests  her  power  by  leaaing  her  lover  about  in  a  sort  of 
triumphal  procession,  or  who  plays  with  his  feelings  by  exciting  his 
jealousy,  does  it  at  her  peril.  Lovers'  quarrels,  however  pleasant  the  recon- 
ciliations, weaken  ties  that  ought  to  grow  stronger  day  by  day.  Nor  will 
the  well-bred  lady  affect  indifference  in  the  presence  of  others,  or  worse, 
make  a  public  display  of  her  affection.  On  his  part,  he  must  hold  her 
queen,  to  whom  alone  is  his  allegiance  due,  and  in  society  make  it  his  duty 
to  seek  her  pleasure ;  not  by  too  close  and  assiduous  attendance,  but  by  that 
delicate  and  loving  watchfulness  that  anticipates  all  wants,  and  supplies 
them  quietly  and  without  parade  of  affection. 

The  accepted  lover  becomes  thenceforth  a  member  of  the  lady's  family, 
and  is  recognized  as  such.  His  first  duty,  after  winning  his  suit  with  the 
lady,  is  to  secure  her  parent's  approval.  In  asking  this,  he  descends  from 
the  heaven  of  romance  and  sentiment  to  the  practical  affairs  of  everyday 
life,  and  makes  a  full  and  frank  statement  of  his  resources  and  his  prospects. 
Such  a  statement  is  due  and  should  be  made  without  waiting  to  be 
questioned.  If  there  is  a  lack  of  property,  its  absence  may  be  offset  by 
talent,  temperate  habits,  thrift,  and  industry.  The  newspaper  story  of  the 
youth  who  sued  for  an  old  man's  daughter,  and  when  asked  if  he  had  pro- 
perty, replied :  "  No,  but  I  am  chockfull  of  day's  works,"  ends  appropriately 
with,  "  And  he  got  the  girl."  Capacity  for  work  and  thrift  win,  in  the  long 
run,  against  inherited  wealth ;  and  moderate  savings,  the  fruit  of  one's  own 
labor  of  hand  or  brain,  are  a  vastly  better  assurance  of  future  competence 
than  fortunes  that  are  the  result  of  others'  labor  and  frugality.  A  man's 
money,  when  it  is  evidence  of  qualities  that  win  success,  is  to  be  taken  into 
account  in  making  up  an  estimate  of  his  character ;  if  it  came  by  inherit- 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  191 

ance,  he  must  show  that  he  knows  how  to  use  it  wisely,  or  a  discreet  man 
will  set  it  down  against  him,  knowing  the  brood  of  vices  misused  wealth 
nurses  to  the  ruin  of  men. 

When  the  engagement  is  ratified  by  the  parents,  it  is  customary  for  the 
gentleman  to  present  his  affianced  with  some  token  as  a  souvenir. 
This  practice  is  an  ancient  one,  coming  down  from  the  Romans,  who  called 
the  friends  of  the  families  together,  before  the  celebration  of  the  wedding, 
and  at  the  gathering,  settled  upon  the  articles  of  the  marriage  contract  and 
the  dowry,  which  was  always  paid  on  the  wedding  day  or  soon  after  it.  A 
feature  of  these  occasions  was  a  luxurious  banquet,  and  at  its  conclusion  the 
lover  placed  a  ring  upon  the  third  finger  (next  the  little  finger)  of  his  lady's 
hand,  there  being  a  superstition  in  those  days  that  a  nerve  from  it  ran 
directly  to  the  heart.  The  wedding  day  was  then  named,  and  the  giving 
and  acceptance  of  the  ring  was  the  betrothal  pledge.  The  jewelled  ring  is 
generally  adhered  to  as  an  engagement  token,  and  however  small  the  stone 
may  be,  it  must  be  perfect  and  flawless.  A  diamond  solitaire  or  cluster  is 
the  choice,  when  it  can  be  offered;  but  less  costly  stones  may  be  used,  or 
even  an  heirloom  of  the  family,  precious  for  its  associations  and  its  antiq- 
uity, rather  than  intrinsic  value.  Good  sense  dictates  that  it  should  be  pro- 
portioned to  the  means  of  the  lover,  and  good  taste  demands  that  it  be 
genuine  and  the  best  of  its  kind.  Any  imitation  is  a  sham  and  an  abomi- 
nation. Of  late,  the  German  custom  of  giving  a  plain  gold  circlet,  with 
date  inserted  within,  as  an  engagement  ring,  is  growing  in  favor  and 
practice.  This  ring  is  removed  by  the  groom,  during  the  ceremony,  and 
handed  to  the  clergyman,  who  uses  it  as  the  wedding  ring.  On  the  way 
home  from  the  church,  or  soon  after  the  ceremony,  the  groom  places,  as  a 
guard  over  it,  on  the  same  finger,  a  jewelled  ring.  The  engagement  ring  is 
worn  conspicuously  on  the  ring-finger  of  the  right  hand.  The  practice  of 
giving  a  ring  is  not  imperative,  and  no  lover  need  pine  away  in  single  misery 
for  want  of  means  to  buy  a  solitaire,  or  even  a  plain  gold  circlet.  The 
custom  of  giving  some  token  at  this  roseate  period  of  existence  is,  however, 
a  very  pretty  one,  which  deserves  to  be  perpetuated.  Other  presents  should 
be  in  keeping  with  the  means  of  the  bridegroom  elect.  Flowers  are  always 
a  pleasing  and  not  costly  gift. 

The  ceremony  of  marriage  may  take  place  soon,  or  await  the  convenience 


192  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

of  the  parties,  it  being'  understood  that  long  engagements  are  to  be  depre- 
cated. It  is  the  prerogative  of  the  lady's  mother  to  name  the  wedding  day, 
and  until  this  time  the  affianced  appear  together  everywhere,  and  their 
intimacy  is  unchecked, —  it  being  supposed  that  American  young  ladies  are 
taught  discretion  and  know  how  to  take  care  of  themselves  under  all  cir- 
cumstances. Every  young  lady,  however,  should  remember  two  things; 
that  on  her  conduct  before  marriage  will  depend  her  husband's  respect  and 
good  opinion  afterwards,  and  that  there  is  "  many  a  slip  between  the  cup 
and  the  lip,"  and  any  demonstrations  of  affection  in  public  or  private  that 
are  not  strictly  within  the  bounds  of  maidenly  reserve  will  be  unpleasant  to 
remember  in  base  the  lover  does  not  become  the  husband.  Besides,  whether 
the  lover  becomes  husband  or  not,  her  most  potent  charm  is  that  coyness 
which,  while  it  confesses  the  power  of  love,  asserts  gently,  but  firmly,  the 
supreme  and  masterful  power  of  self-restraint,  the  sign  and  seal  of  virtue ; 
nor  does  the  honorable  and  well-bred  lover  tempt  his  future  bride  to  demon- 
strations of  affection  which  both  might  afterward  regret.  His  demeanor 
must  be  respectful  and  decorous,  and  considerate  of  her  feelings  and  of  her 
good  name.  He  will  be  too  regardful  of  her  health  to  keep  improper  hours. 
He  will  not  be  capricious,  exacting  or  domineering,  but  will  remember  that 
this  is  the  first  stage  of  a  life-long  friendship,  which,  to  be  happy,  must  be 
characterized  by  mutual  candor,  confidence  and  sympathy.  Reserve  in 
private  is  necessary  to  insure  mutual  respect  and  confidence  in  the  future 
married  life,  and  public  displays  of  devotion  not  only  lessen  mutual  respect, 
but  make  both  ridiculous  in  the  eyes  of  observers.  A  thorough  gentleman 
will  show  a  thoughtful  and  loving  attention,  without  being  indelicate  or 
ostentatious  in  the  slightest  degree. 

The  announcement  of  an  engagement  is  made  in  various  ways.  Some- 
times a  dinner  party  is  given  by  the  parents  of  the  prospective  bride,  or  even 
at  the  house  of  the  groom,  at  which  the  two  families  and  intimate  friends 
are  present ;  the  host  announces  the  engagement,  at  the  end  of  dinner,  and 
congratulations  follow.  The  rest  is  done  by  the  friends  of  both,  whose  good 
natured  gossip  spreads  the  news,  in  which  the  grimmest  of  cynics  cannot 
help  feeling  a  kindly  interest.  Notes  of  congratulation  are  in  order  from 
the  friends  of  each,  and  flowers  for  the  bride  are  always  welcome.  The 
engagement  may  also  be  announced  by  notes  from  the  mother,  or  even 


THE   WEDDING  DA  Y.  193 

from  the  bride-elect  herself  to  her  intimate  friends.  The  groom  also  gives 
notice  to  his  circle  in  a  similar  manner.  These  notes  must  of  course  receive 
prompt  and  appropriate  replies. 

If  the  circle  in  which  the  young  people  move  entertain  generously, 
dancing  or  dinner  parties  will  be  given  in  their  honor,  or  opera  and  theatre 
parties  will  be  made  up,  with  them  as  central  figures,  at  all  of  which  the 
affianced  lovers  appear  together  and  receive  congratulations.  As  the 
announcement  of  an  engagement  and  the  wedding  day  are  not  far  apart,  the 
friends  of  the  bride  call  on  her,  or  leave  their  cards,  but  she  does  not  pay 
ceremonious  visits.  Just  before  the  invitations  are  sent  out,  however,  she 
simply  leaves  her  last  visiting  card  at  the  doors  of  her  friends'  residences  in 
person,  not  entering  except,  perhaps,  to  visit  an  invalid,  or  an  aged  friend. 
As  this  is  the  last  call  she  makes  while  she  bears  her  family  name,  her  card 
must  contain  no  name  except  her  own.  The  call  at  this  time  is  a  formality 
which  formal  society  will  hardly  forgive  her  for  neglecting,  as  it  is  regarded 
as  an  acknowledgment  due  to  the  friends  who  have  done  what  they  could  to 
make  her  young  life  happy. 

Whenever  it  is  necessary  to  break  off  an  engagement,  the  position  of  the 
party  who  proposes  it  is  one  of  great  delicacy.  Firmness  is  necessary,  and, 
indeed,  in  such  a  case,  it  is  the  greatest  possible  kindness;  and  yet  nothing 
should  be  neglected  to  soften  the  blow.  The  reason  must,  of  course,  be  just 
and  weighty;  but  it  is  always  better  to  (break  an  ill-judged  betrothal  rather 
than  to  contract  an  ill-assorted  and  unhappy  marriage.  As  a  rule,  the 
breaking  of  an  engagement  may  be  done  better  by  letter  than  by  an  inter- 
view. The  letter  should  be  accompanied  by  all  gifts,  even  to  the  smallest, 
and  all  letters  received  during  the  engagement.  The  answer  should  also  be 
accompanied  by  all  presents  received,  and  should  not  attempt  to  reverse  the 
decision,  unless  the  reason  assigned  is  based  on  incorrect  statements,  in 
which  case  it  is  due  to  both  parties  that  the  exact  truth  be  made  known. 

The  wedding  trousseau  should  be  in  accordance  with  the  means  of  the 
bride's  parents,  but  should  be  carefully  selected  with  reference  to  the  circle 
of  society  to  which  her  marriage  transplants  her,  and  to  the  means  of  her 
future  husband.  No  sensitive  man  of  moderate  means  cares  to  have  a 
bride's  superior  wealth  flaunted  in  the  eyes  of  the  public  in  the  shape  of  a 
trousseau  far  beyond  the  reach  of  his  own  income,  and  not  in  keeping  with 


194  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

her  surroundings  in  her  new  home ;  nor  does  any  bridegroom  of  taste  and 
culture  care  to  introduce  into  society  as  his  bride,  a  lady  who  relies  not  on 
her  wit,  or  conversation,  or  fine  manners,  but  on  her  clothes,  as  her  chief 
attraction.  Even  a  bride  should  remember  that  dress,  to  be  in  good  taste, 
must  always  enhance  personal  beauty,  or  hide  personal  defects,  and  that, 
when  it  fails  to  do  this,  but  attracts  attention  from  the  wearer  to  itself,  it  is 
not  only  unbecoming,  but  outre  and  "shoddy,"  no  matter  how  many  dollars 
went  into  its  make-up.  The  bridal  costume  most  approved  for  young  brides 
is  of  white  silk,  high  corsage,  a  veil  of  white  tulle  reaching  to  the  feet,  and  a 
•wreath  of  blush  roses  with  orange  blossoms.  The  roses  she  may  continue  to 
wear,  but  the  orange  blossoms  are  only  suited  to  the  ceremony.  She  wears 
no  jewelry  of  any  description,  for  when  she  goes  to  the  altar  she  is  still  a 
young  girl ;  but  she  leaves  it  with  the  privilege  of  ever  after  appearing  at 
her  will  in  diamonds,  thick  silks,  expensive  laces,  and  cashmere  shawls, 
provided  her  husband's  means  permit  these  indulgencies. 

The  wedding  cards  are  sent  out  ten  days  before  the  ceremony,  or  even 
earlier,  those  to  distant  friends  being  sent,  of  course,  in  time  for  them  to 
make  preparations  for  the  journey.  The  invitations  are  engraved,  and 
printed  on  a  sheet  of  note  paper.  The  form  is  simple  and  direct,  and  the 
engraving  in  plain  script.  The  paper,  which  is  folded  once  only,  must  be 
heavy  and  of  fine  quality.  The  following  is  an  approved  form : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Howard 

request  your  presence 

at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter, 

Miss  Estelle  Mary 

to 

Mr.  Charles  Henry  Carleton, 
on  Wednesday  evening,  May  tenth,  1881 

at  eight  o'clock. 

St.  Mark's  Church, 

Cincinnati. 

This  note  of  invitation  is  sent  to  all  formal  acquaintances.  To  more  inti- 
mate friends,  a  card  of  invitation  to  the  reception  after  the  wedding  cere- 
mony at  the  church,  in  the  following  form,  is  enclosed  in  the  same  envelope: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Howard, 

at  home, 

Wednesday  morning,  May  tenth, 
from  half-past  eight  until  eleven  o'clock, 
211  West  Sixth  Street. 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  195 

In  some  cases,  when  the  parties  are  well  known,  and  the  ceremony  excites 
public  curiosity,  it  is  necessary,  for  the  protection  of  guests,  to  enclose  also 
admission  cards  to  the  church  with  all  invitations.  These  are  long  and 
narrow,  and,  like  the  rest,  neatly  engraved  in  script: 

St.  Mark's  Church, 
Ceremony  at  eleven  o'clock. 

In  cases  where  admission  cards  are  necessary,  a  master  of  ceremonies 
takes  his  place  at  the  doors  of  the  church,  and  excludes  those  not  invited, 
until  guests  have  arrived  and  are  seated — a  proceeding  never  pleasant  at  a 
church,  but  sometimes  necessary  in  order  to -secure  seats  for  those  having  a 
personal  interest  in  the  contracting  parties  above  a  mere  idle  curiosity. 
Several  of  these  admission  cards  are  enclosed  with  an  invitation,  to  be  used 
by  friends  or  servants  accompanying  guests.  The  invitation,  and  card  or 
cards,  are  enclosed  in  an  envelope  perfect  in  quality,  exactly  fitting  the 
note,  and  bearing  the  monogram,  cipher  or  crest,  if  either  is  used.  It  is  in 
better  form  to  have  them  appear  on  the  envelope  rather  than  on  the  note ; 
but  if  used  on  the  latter,  they  should  be  without  color,  plain,  and  occupying 
the  middle  of  the  page  near  the  top.  If  the  bride  bears  any  other  relation 
than  daughter  to  the  persons  giving  the  invitation,  the  relation  should 
appear  in  the  invitation,  as  ward,  niece,  friend,  or  whatever  relation  may 
exist.  If  the  ceremony  takes  place  in  the  morning,  the  invitation  reads : 
"  Wednesday  morning,  May  10th,  1881,  at  eleven  o'clock,"  instead  of  as  in 
above  form ;  and  the  card  to  the  wedding  breakfast  would  read  like  the 
reception  card  given,  except  that  the  first  hour  named  would  be  a  half  hour 
after  the  ceremony.  The  separate  cards  of  the  bride  and  groom  are  no  longer 
enclosed  with  the  invitation  and  reception  cards,  as  the  names  of  both  now 
appear  in  the  body  of  the  invitation,  making  any  further  explanation  super- 
fluous. 

Friends  in  mourning,  who  receive  invitations,  find  their  way  to  church 
early,  and  take  obscure  seats  where  they  will  not  be  likely  to  meet  the  eyes 
of  the  bridal  party — a  course  dictated  by  a  thoughtful  consideration  of  the 
feelings  of  the  happy  pair,  that  no  shadow  of  ill-omen  may  fall  on  what 
should  be  the  brightest  and  sunniest  day  of  life.  For  a  like  reason,  friends 
in  mourning  absent  themselves  from  wedding  festivities. 


196  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

Friends  who  receive  invitations  to  the  reception  acknowledge  them  as 
soon  as  received,  and  accept  unless  there  are  most  earnest  reasons  for 
declining.  Those  who  are  called  to  a  marriage  at  home,  or  to  the  reception 
which  follows  the  ceremony  at  the  church,  like  those  who  are  bidden  by 
royalty,  are  not  at  liberty  to  decline  from  mere  caprice. 

If  the  wedding  is  private,  it  is  customary  soon  afterward  to  send  marriage 
notices  to  friends.  These  are  engraved  in  script,  and  printed  on  a  sheet  of 
note  paper,  like  wedding  invitations,  and  are  usually  in  this  form : 

Charles  Henry  Carleton, 
Estelle  Mary  Howard, 

Married, 

Wednesday,  May  10th,  1879, 
Cincinnati. 

If  they  are  to  reside  in  some  other  city,  that  fact  appears  in  the  lower  left 
hand  corner,  or  is  indicated  in  the  reception  card,  enclosed  with  the  marriage 
notice : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Chas.  H.  Carleton, 

at  home 

Wednesday,  May  20th, 
from  three  until  ten  o'clock. 
Ill  Laurel  avenue,  Chicago. 

Or  sometimes,  white  the  pair  are  absent  on  their  wedding  journey,  the 
parents  send  out  an  announcement  of  the  marriage  to  all  friends  and  ac- 
quaintances. This  gives  the  formal  sanction  of  the  parents  to  the  ceremony, 
and  is  an  announcement  that  the  alliance  was  approved.  Such  notes  are 
engraved  with  the  scrupulous  care  and  taste  necessary  in  all  formal  invita- 
tions and  announcements,  and  are  sent  in  two  envelopes,  by  post.  Such  a 
notice  may  also  be  sent,  instead  of  an  invitation,  in  the  case  of  a  grand  wed- 
ding, when  the  distance  of  friends  would  make  the  invitation  to  be  present 
an  absurdity.  The  announcement  may  be  in  form  as  follows : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Howard 

announce  the  marriage  of  their  daughter, 

Miss  Estelle  Mary, 

and 

Mr.  Charles  Henry  Carleton, 
Wednesday,  May  10th,  1881. 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  197 

and,  if  intimate  friends,  to  the  wedded  pair.  If  a  reception  has  not  followed 
the  wedding,  one  is  given  them  on  their  return  by  the  mother  of  the  bride 
first,  and  afterwards  by  the  parents  of  the  groom,  and  other  friends,  even  if 
the  young  people  have  begun  housekeeping  in  their  own  home.  The  invita- 
tions, if  the  reception  is  for  the  evening,  are  given  in  the  name  of  the  parents 
of  the  bride,  and  in  the  same  envelope  is  enclosed  another  card,  with  the 
name  of  the  bride  and  groom.  If  an  afternoon  reception,  the  card  is  in  the 
following  form: 

Mrs.  Henry  Howard, 
Mrs.  Charles  Henry  Carleton, 

at  home 

Wednesday,  March  20th, 
from  three  until  ten  o'clock. 

When  a  marriage  takes  place  during  a  period  of  mourning,  a  card  is  issued 
bearing  the  names  of  the  married  pair,  with  the  new  address,  and  with  it, 
enclosed  in  the  same  envelope,  is  a  card  engraved  with  the  maiden  name  of 
the  bride. 

After  the  invitations  are  issued,  the  bride  does  not  appear  in  public,  and, 
on  the  wedding-day,  it  is  a  rule  strictly  observed  that  she  does  not  see  the 
bridegroom  until  they  meet  at  the  church.  The  brides-maids,  who  are 
chosen  from  relatives  and  intimate  friends,— sisters  of  the  bride  and  groom, 
when  possible — are  generally  younger  than  the  bride,  and  simply  attired  in 
light,  graceful  material,  with  flowers  as  the  chief  ornaments.  The  "  best 
man"  and  ushers  are  chosen  by  the  groom  from  the  relatives  of  the  bride 
and  his  own  intimate  friends.  The  bouquets,  floral  decorations,  and  gloves 
of  the  brides-maids  are  presented  by  the  bride,  and  often  the  entire  dress, 
though  the  latter  is  only  necessary  when  circumstances  make  the  outlay  a 
burden. 

Full  morning-dress  is  worn  by  the  groom  and  groomsmen,  at  a  morning 
wedding;  a  dark  blue,  or  black  frock-coat  and  vest,  light  tie,  and  light 
trousers.  The  groom  wears  white  gloves,  the  ushers  light  gloves  of  some 
delicate  shade.  White  ties  are  never  worn  with  frock  coats.  At  an  evening 
wedding,  groom  and  groomsmen  all  wear  full  evening-dress.  The  groom 
usually  presents  his  attendants  with  some  slight  personal  ornament,  of 
quaint  device,  as  a  memento  of  the  occasion.  The  bride,  too,  gtees  her 


198  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

maids  an  article  of  jewelry,  never  costly,  to  serve  as  a  reminder  of  herself 
and  the  event. 

The  form  of  the  ceremony  is  usually  fixed  by  the  church  at  which  it  is  to 
he  celebrated,  and  a  private  rehearsal  is  held,  a  day  or  two  before  the  wed- 
ding day,  to  familiarize  the  priijcipal  actors,  and  assist  them  in  maintaining 
that  perfect  self-control  that  makes  the  ceremony  a  pleasure  and  not  a  pain 
to  the  lookers  on. 

If  the  ceremony  is  at  the  church,  and  without  brides-maids  or  ushers,  the 
groom  walks  up  the  aisle  with  the  mother,  the  bride  following  with  her 
father.  Arriving  in  front  of  the  altar,  the  mother  falls  back  to  her  position 
on  the  left,  the  groom  taking  his  place  at  the  right  of  the  altar  and  facing 
the  approaching  bride,  whom  he  awaits  until  the  father  conducts  her  to  her 
position,  and  falls  back  to  the  left.  The  other  relatives  who  have  followed 
range  themselves,  those  of  the  groom  on  the  right,  and  those  of  the  bride  on 
the  left,  in  the  positions  given  them  in  rehearsal.  The  bride  and  groom 
kneel  at  the  altar  a  moment,  and  on  rising  the  bride  removes  her  left  glove, 
while  he  removes  his  right^and  the  service  begins.  When  the  question  is 
asked,  the  father  gives  the  bride  away  by  a  simple  bow,  and  the  ceremony 
goes  on.  Any  exhibition  of  feeling  in  public  is  painful  to  others,  and  there- 
fore not  well-bred  or  dignified.  Those  who  cannot  restrain  their  emotions 
should  absent  themselves  entirely. 

If  the  brides-maids  and  ushers  are  included  in  the  bridal  party,  the 
ceremony  is  more  imposing.  It  is  the  duty  of  the  master  of  ceremonies  to 
proceed  early  to  the  church,  taking  care  that  the  awning  is  properly  in  place, 
to  shelter  in  bad  weather,  and  the  carpet  spread  across  the  sidewalk  and  over 
the  steps,  to  protect  the  spotless  garments  of  the  bride  and  her  maids. 
Across  the  main  aisle,  far  enough  from  the  front  to  provide  seats  for  all 
invited  guests,  giving  ample  room  for  full  toilets,  he  stretches  a  white 
ribbon.  He  notes,  also,  that  the  organist  is  at  his  post,  provided  with  music 
to  be  rendered  during  the  arrival  of  the  audience.  The  ushers  stand  near 
the  entrance  to  the  church,  and  escort  lady  guests  to  seats.  If  a  lady  is 
accompanied  by  a  gentleman,  one  follows  and  directs  them  to  suitable 
places.  Knowing  both  families,  they  give  the  relatives  of  each  their  proper 
places, — the  bride's  kin  on  the  left,  and  the  groom's  on  the  right,  seating  the 
remoter  kin  in  remoter  places,  and  those  whose  ties  are  closer,  near  the 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  199 

altar.  As  soon  as  the  audience  is  seated,  they  stretch  a  white  ribbon  along 
the  ends  of  the  seats,  on  each  side  of  the  aisle,  to  remind  guests  that  they 
are  not  to  leave  their  seats  until  the  bridal  party  has  passed  out.  Each 
usher  wears  a  boquet,  made  up  of  the  bride's  own  flowers,  in  the  left  lappel 
of  his  coat,  instead  of  the  old  "bridal  favors"  of  white  ribbon,  now  out  of 
fashion.  The  ceremony,  so  far  as  the  religious  rite  goes,  admits  of  little 
variation.  To  give  the  occasion  individuality,  the  minor  details  must  be 
arranged  in  pleasing  forms ;  and  this  is  always  admissible  within  the  bounds 
of  good  taste.  A  high  authority  gives  the  following  as  a  form  approved  and 
used  in  the  best  New  York  society: 

"  When  the  bridal  party  has  arranged  itself  for  entrance,  the  ushers,  in 
pairs,  march  slowly  up  to  the  altar,  and  turn  to  the  right,  keeping  step  to 
the  organ  music.  After  a  slight  interval,  the  brides-maids  enter  in  pairs, 
and  turn  to  the  left.  After  another  brief  interval  of  waiting,  escorted  by  her 
father,  the  bride,  entirely  veiled,  with  her  eyes  cast  down,  follows  her  com- 
panions. The  groom  comes  forward  from  the  vestry-room  to  meet  her,  takes 
her  hand  and  places  her  at  the  altar.  Both  kneel  for  a  moment's  duration. 
The  parents  stand  just  behind  her  and  slightly  to  the  left."  The  service 
follows,  in  the  form  peculiar  to  the  church  where  the  ceremony  occurs.  All 
now  use  the  ring,  and  vary  the  sentiment  connected  with  it  to  suit  their 
own  rites.  All  points  of  the  ceremony  will  be  learned  in  the  private 
rehearsel,  which  should  always  precede  a  public  wedding.  The  bridal  veil 
is  thrown  back  from  the  face  of  the  bride  at  the  altar,  by  the  groom,  but  the 
ancient  custom  of  giving  her  a  kiss,  at  the  close  of  the  ceremony,  is  not  now 
considered  reverent  or  respectful, — any  public  demonstrations  of  affection 
being  in  questionable  taste,  even  on  an  occasion  so  full  of  sentiment  as  that 
which  celebrates  the  union  of 

"  Two  souls  with  but  a  single  thought, 
Two  hearts  that  beat  as  one;" 

and  many  sensitive  women,  who  instinctively  rebel  against  kissing  in  public 
as  indelicate,  whatever  they  may  think  of  the  osculatory  exercise  at  proper 
times  and  places,  will  be  relieved  to  know  that  the  custom  is  obsolete,  and 
no  longer  observed  in  the  "  best  society."  When  the  religious  ceremony  is 
over,  and  the  pair  have  received  the  brief  congratulations  of  the  clergyman, 


2,0  THE  WEDDING  DAY. 

the  bridegroom  turns,  offering  his  right  arm  to  the  bride,  (up  to  this  time 
she  has  remained  on  his  left)  and  walks  down  the  aisle,  recognizing  no  one, 
but  with  perfect  self-possession.  The  brides-maids  follow  in  order,  each  on 
the  right  arm  of  an  usher,  and  at  the  door  of  the  church  make  all  seemly 
haste  to  reach  the  home  of  the  bride  before  her  arrival,  so  as  to  welcome  her 
at  her  own  door.  After  entering,  the  brides-maids  range  themselves  half  on 
her  side,  and  half  on  his,  the  first  brides-maid  retaining  the  place  of  honor 
at  the  side  of  the  bride.  At  the  door  of  the  drawing-room,  the  ushers  offer 
themselves  as  .escorts  to  the  guests  who  have  been  invited  to  the  reception, 
as  they  arrive  from  the  church,  conducting  them,  one  by  one,  to  the  bridal 
party,  and  presenting  them  by  name.  It  is  also  their  special  duty  to  escort 
ladies  not  attended  by  gentlemen  to  refreshments,  or  to  see  that  attendants 
are  provided  for  them  until  after  refreshments  are  served. 

Those  brides  who  love  old  traditions  may  follow  in  a  long  line  of  worthy 
examples,  by  maintaining  the  time-honored  forms.  In  this,  the  brides- 
maids, each  leaning  on  the  left  arm  of  a  groomsman,  pass  up  the  aisle  in 
advance  of  the  bridal  pair.  At  the  altar,  the  couples  separate,  the  gentlemen 
to  the  right  and  the  ladies  to  the  left,  forming  a  semi-circle,  half  enclosing 
the  altar.  The  groom  follows  escorting  the  mother  of  the  bride,  whom  he 
seats  in  a  front  pew,  as  soon  as  politeness  permits,  and  takes  his  place  at  the 
alter,  facing  and  expectantly  awaiting  the  bride,  who  follows  on  the  arm  of 
her  father,  or  him  who  stands  in  his  stead.  At  the  altar,  the  father  leaves 
the  bride,  retiring  a  little  to  the  left,  to  await  the  time  when  the  service 
calls  him  to  give  her  away,  which  he  does  by  placing  her  hand  in  that  of 
the  clergyman.  He  then  joins  the  bride's  mother  and  escorts  her  out  of  the 
church,  following  the  bridal  company.  After  the  congratulations  of  the 
officiating  clergyman,  the  bridal  party  face  about  and  leave  the  church  in 
the  order  observed  in  entering. 

The  Home  Journal  gives  as  a  late  form  for  conducting  a  marriage  service 
in  New  York,  the  following: 

"  When  the  bridal  party  has  arranged  itself  for  entrance,  the  ushers,  in 
pairs,  march  slowly  up  the  aisle  to  the  altar,  and  turn  to  the  right,  keeping 
step  to  the  organ  music.  Behind  them  follows  the  groom,  alone.  When  he 
reaches  the  altar,  he  turns,  faces  the  aisle,  and  watches  intently  for  the 
coming  of  his  bride.  Of  course,  he  does  not  permit  his  attention  to  be 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  201 

distracted  from  the  object  of  present  paramount  interest.  After  a  very 
slight  interval,  the  brides-maids  follow  him,  in  pairs,  if  there  be  but  few, 
and  they  turn  to  the  left.  Another  brief  interval  of  waiting,  and  the  bride, 
alone,  and  entirely  veiled,  with  her  eyes  cast  down,  follows  her  companions. 
The  groom  comes  forward  a  few  steps,  takes  her  hand  and  places  her  at  the 
altar.  Both  kneel  for  a  moment's  silent  devotion.  The  parents  of  the  bride 
have  followed  her  and  stand  just  behind  her,  slightly  at  the  left.  The  ser- 
vice by  the  clergyman  now  proceeds  as  usual."  If  there  are  no  brides-maids, 
the  ushers  enter  in  pairs,  preceding  the  bridal  party,  each  pair  separating  at 
the  altar  to  the  right  and  left,  and  reforming  while  the  clergyman  is  offering 
his  congratulations ;  they  pass  out  a  few  yards  in  advance  of  the  bridal 
party.  The  variations  of  the  wedding  ceremony  at  church  must  never 
detract  from  its  impressiveness  as  a  religious  ri  e.  Dramatic  effects  are  not 
in  good  taste,  but  the  use  of  flowers,  even  in  profusion,  is  always  pleasing, 
and  the  path  of  the  young  people  may  be  strewed  with  them  as  they  leave 
the  church.  "  Little  girls,  costumed  in  white  raiment,  with  baskets  of 
blossoms,  rise  up  like  unsuspected  fairies,  while  the  clergyman  is  con- 
gratulating the  bride,  and  slowly  drop  roses  down  the  aisle  to  the  carriage. 
Sometimes  garlands  of  flowers,  that  have  been  somewhere  hidden,  are 
suddenly  seen  stretched  across  the  aisle  at  brief  intervals,  by  little  maidens, 
who  stand  on  the  seats  at  the  ends  of  the  pews,  and  lift  their  pretty  arms 
high  in  air  to  swing  their  roses  over  the  pathway  of  the  bridal  party. 
Sometimes,  instead  of  garlands,  they  toss  rose-leaves  in  crimson,  gold,  and 
white,  from  the  same  high  positions,  all  over  the  outgoing  procession. 
Many  other  devices,  fanciful  and  charming,  may  be  added  to  the  brief 
brightness  of  the  moment. 

"  Weddings  at  home  vary  but  little  from  those  at  church.  The  music,  the 
assembling  of  friends,  and  the  descent  of  the  bridal  party  and  their  entree  to 
the  position  selected,  are  just  the  same.  An  altar  of  flowers  and  a  place  for 
kneeling  can  be  easily  arranged  at  home.  The  space  behind  the  altar  need 
be  no  wider  than  is  required  for  the  clergyman  to  stand.  It  is  generally 
only  a  high  fender  or  railing,  entirely  concealed  by  foliage  and  blossoms. 
Whatever  other  floral  accessories  are  desired,  such  as  the  marriage-bell, 
horse-shoe,  or  a  white  dove,  can  be  arranged  with  care  by  a  skillful  florist. 
When  the  marriage  ceremony  is  ended,  the  parties  turn  in  their  places  and 


202  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

face  their  friends,  who  wait  to  congratulate  them.  If  space  be  of  import- 
ance, the  kneeling-stool,  and  even  the  floral  altar,  may  be  removed  a  little 
later,  without  observation.  The  latter,  however,  is  usually  pushed  back 
against  the  wall,  and  adds  to  the  decorative  part  of  the  festivity. 

"  The  relatives  are  the  first  to  offer  congratulations ;  intimate  friends 
follow,  and  then  acquaintance.  When  congratulations  are  over,  the  bridal 
party  are  at  liberty  to  leave  their  positions  and  mingle  with  the  company. 
If  the  wedding  takes  place  in  the  evening,  the  dresses,  supper,  etc.,  are  more 
elaborate  than  for  the  more  common  'noon  wedding.'  At  the  latter,  the 
friends  retire  soon  after  offering  congratulations  and  partaking  of  the  wedding 
breakfast.  At  the  table,  the  bride  and  groom  sit  side  by  side,  at  the  centre 
of  the  table,  the  parents  occupying  the  ends.  After  breakfast,  the  bride, 
attended  by  her  friends,  withdraws,  to  prepare  for  the  journey ;  and,  at  two 
or  three  o'clock,  the  twain  start  on  their  bridal  tour.  Only  brides-maids, 
ushers,  relatives,  and  intimate  friends  remain  to  witness  their  departure.  At 
an  evening  wedding,  the  pair  withdraw  quietly  during  the  dancing,  to  pre- 
pare for  their  journey,  and  depart  unobserved." 

The  ostentatious  display  of  bridal  gifts  is  no  longer  permitted  in  good 
society.  If  the  room  containing  the  bridal  presents  is  thrown  open  at  all,  no 
cards  or  other  marks  are  left  upon  the  gifts,  to  proclaim  the  munificence  or 
poverty  of  the  giver,  and  suggest  contrasts  of  values.  Indeed,  the  wedding 
present  has  fallen  into  disfavor,  and  it  is  not  well-bred  to  talk  about  them, 
though  a  note  from  the  bride,  acknowledging  each  gift,  is,  of  course,  a  neces- 
sity. Before  the  fashion  of  parading  gifts  before  the  public  and  in  the  news- 
papers made  the  wedding  present  odious,  it  was  possible  for  friends  to  offer 
mementoes  which  would  serve  as  pleasing  reminders  of  the  past.  These 
were  often  the  tasteful  work  of  their  own  deft  fingers,  or  some  useful  article 
of  actual  service  in  the  new  home;  but  as  excesses  increased  with  the 
fashion,  every  invited  guest  felt  compelled  to  bear  his  gift,  and  that,  too, 
with  the  certain  knowledge  that  it  would  be  displayed  with  others,  perhaps 
more  costly,  and  subjected  to  comment  and  comparison  not  only  by  the 
company  assembled,  but  by  the  Jenkinses  of  the  press.  The  degree  of 
friendship,  apparently,  at  least,  was  measured  by  the  costliness  of  the  gift, 
instead  of  by  the  sentiment  which  it  enshrined,  and  of  which  it  was  a  sign 
and  token.  Indeed,  to  such  lengths  was  the  fashion  carried,  that  people 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  203 

whose  good  sense  revolted  at  this  forced  tax  upon  their  friends,  made  open 
war  upon  it  for  a  time  by  engraving  upon  their  cards,  "No  Presents 
Received;"  but,  happily,  this  is  no  longer  necessary,  as  only  intimate 
friends  and  relatives  now  offer  gifts, — acquaintances  contenting  themselves 
with  sending  flowers,  a  custom  as  sensible  as  it  is  simple  and  beautiful,  since 
an  excess  of  these  floral  ornaments  is  hardly  possible  on  such  occasions. 
The  gifts  of  friends  should  be  a  compliment  to  the  taste  of  the  bride,  or  a 
useful  contribution  to  the  effects  of  her  future  household,  and  should  be 
marked  with  her  maiden  name. 

After  a  wedding,  a  call,  or  leaving  of  the  card  upon  the  parents  of  the 
bride,  within  ten  days,  is  rigorously  demanded  of  all  the  guests.  Friends 
living  in  other  towns  and  cities,  receiving  invitations,  send  their  cards  by 
post. 

The  bridal  tour,  taken  often  when  the  excitement  of  the  preparations  for 
the  wedding  have  made  heavy  draughts  upon  the  strength  of  the  bride,  are 
no  longer  demanded  by  fashion, — a  quiet  honeymoon,  exempt  from  all  the 
claims  of  society,  being  generally  approved.  It  is  not  well-bred,  however* 
to  ask  where  or  how  the  honeymoon  is  to  be  spent,  that  being  a  matter  in 
which  none  except  themselves  have  any  concern. 

When  the  wedded  pair  begin  life  in  a  home  of  their  own,  it  is  the  custom 
to  issue  "  at  home"  cards  for  a  few  mornings  or  evenings,  unless  the  mar- 
riage occurs  in  the  early  summer,  in  which  case  these  receptions  take  place 
in  autumn,  in  the  beginning  of  the  season.  This  opportunity  is  taken  for 
thoroughly  revising  the  list  of  friends,  now  doubled  or  largely  increased  by 
the  new  alliance.  The  limitations  of  hospitality  are  recognized  by  society, 
and  acquaintances  who  are  dropped  may  regret  the  necessity,  but  cannot 
take  offense.  The  reception  cards  are  of  medium  size  and  fine  in  quality, 
and  the  following  is  the  accepted  form : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Chas.  Henry  Carleton, 

At  home 
Wednesday  evenings  in  June, 

from  eight  to  eleven  o'clock. 
16  Hawthorn  avenue. 

This  form  of  card  is  proper  whether  the  wedding  was  a  grand  or  quiet 
one.  A  simple  table  is  considered  in  better  taste  than  an  elaborate  one*  "On 


204  THE  WEDDING  DA  Y. 

these  occasions  the  bride  wears  a  reception  toilette,  and  the  groom  full 
-evening  dress. 

Among  the  duties  of  the  bridegroom  is  to  provide  the  wedding-ring,  and 
to  have  it  in  readiness  at  the  proper  moment  during  the  ceremony,  when  he 
places  it  on  the  third  finger  of  the  left  hand — the  bride  taking  care  that  her 
glove  is  readily  removable.  He  also  sends  a  carriage  for  the  officiating 
clergyman  and  his  family.  The  groomsmen  provide  carriages  for  the  brides- 
maids. The  bride  goes  to  church  with  her  parents,  but  returns  in  a  carriage 
with  her  husband.  The  groom  finds  his  way  to  the  church  with  his  near 
relatives,  a  little  earlier  than  the  hour,  that  he  may  be  ready  to  receive  the 
bride  on  her  arrival.  In  entering  the  church,  the  last  bridesmaid  and 
groomsman  enter  first,  followed  by  couples  in  the  order  in  which  they  are  f  o 
stand  at  the  altar,  the  bridal  party  following  in  any  order  in  which  the 
fashion  of  the  season  or  their  own  taste  approves.  The  wedding  fee  is  in 
proportion  to  the  means  of  the  bridegroom,  and  may  be  from  five  to  five 
hundred  dollars,  the  latter  at  an  elaborate  wedding.  The  bridesmaids  assist 
in  dressing  the  bride,  and  remain  with  her  while  the  congratulations  of 
friends  are  being  offered. 

In  the  ceremony  of  marriage  for  a  widow,  custom  does  not  permit  a  veil 
or  orange  blossoms.  White  may  be  worn,  and  bridesmaids  are  permitted. 
On  her  wedding  cards  her  maiden  name  appears  before  that  of  her  late  hus- 
band, his  initials  having  been  dropped  when  she  laid  aside  her  crape.  H 
she  has  sons  and  unmarried  daughters,  the  last  name  of  her  children  pre- 
cedes her  new  one  on  all  ceremonious  occasions  in  which  they  are  interested, 
as  a  mark  of  respect  for  them.  The  formalities  which  follow  the  marriage 
of  a  widow  are  left  to  be  decided  by  circumstances,  and  that  superior  taste 
'  and  refinement  which  experience  in  life  and  contact  with  society  is  supposed 
to  nurture. 

One  word,  in  strictest  confidence,  to  those  young  men  and  maidens  who 
find  all  this  talk  of  ceremonies  and  receptions  bewildering  and  discouraging. 
People  do  "  marry  and  live  happy  ever  after  "  without  them.  Indeed,  brides 
arrayed  in  all  the  glory  of  costly  raiment  have  marched  down  aisles  strewn 
with  roses,  keeping  time  to  the  grandest  music,  whose  hearts  were  like  lead ; 
and  men  and  women  have  been  wed  in  the  simplest  way,  in  plain  home- 
spun, without  cards,  without  music,  without  audience,  and  without  parade, 


THE  WEDDING  DA  Y.  205 

whose  honest  and  loyal  hearts  were  so  full  of  the  sunshine  of  mutual  affec- 
tion, that  they  would  not  have  exchanged  places  with  kings  and  queens  on 
their  thrones.  The  simplest  way  is  the  happiest  way,  when  hearts  are 
united ;  and,  be  assured,  many  a  fashionable  beau  and  belle  chafes  under 
the  fetters  imposed  by  formal  society,  and  longs  for  the  freedom  of  a  simpler 
and  less  artificial  life. 


AFTEK    MARRIAGE. 


"  Nor  private  jars,  nor  spite  of  enemies, 
Could  shake  the  safe  assurance  of  their  state." 

THE  Creator  evidently  meant  every  man  and  woman  to  preserve  an  in- 
dividuality, peculiar  and  self-centered.  As  the  most  brilliant  and  sweetest 
roses  conceal  thorns  that  warn  off  the  too  close  grasp  of  the  intruding  hand, 
so  the  noblest  natures  have  minor  faults  that  repel  those  who  would  come  too 
near.  Faults,  which  appear  after  long  and  intimate  association,  take  friends 
by  surprise,  and  too  close  friendships  often  result  in  the  bitterest  enmities. 
The  safest  and  most  lasting  friendship  is  that  which  neither  receives  nor 
exacts  too  much. 

But  in  family  life,  other  elements  come  in  to  soften  asperities,  and  to 
make  faults  endurable,  so  long  as  there  is  mutual  faith.  Mutual  interests, 
mutual  dependence,  and,  above  all,  mutual  affection,  render  the  close  asso- 
ciations of  the  family  not  only  tolerable,  but  the  source  of  the  sweetest  pleas- 
ures of  earthly  existence.  But  even  here  it  is  never  safe  to  ignore  the  exist- 
ence of  faults  in  ourselves  or  others.  After  marriage,  husband  and  wife 
must  remember  that  it  is  deference  and  self-abnegation  that  lifts  dullness  out 
of  life,  takes  the  weight  out  of  little  cares,  raises  up  service  that  would  be 
drudgery  if  done  for  others,  into  the  realm  of  poetry  and  sentiment,  and  fills 
the  air  of  home  with  the  fragrance  of  generous  affection.  To  be  unselfish,  or 
at  least  to  lose  one's  sense  of  self  in  another's  life  and  interests,  is  one  of  the 
lessons  love  teaches;  and  when  marriage  is  made  a  matter  of  judgment,  as 
well  as  of  affection,  this  yielding  of  self,  in  all  matters  where  it  is  right  to 
yield,  becomes  a  habit,  and  harmony  is  assured.  The  felicity  of  married 


AFTER  MARRIAGE.  207 

life  depends  on  the  mutual  cultivation  of  this  spirit  of  unselfish  service,  and 
on  perfect  frankness  and  truth.  The  little  faults  of  others  are  often  the 
hardest  to  endure  with  patience.  The  pin-pricks  try  sorely  tempers  that 
would  bear  bravely  up  under  weighty  misfortunes.  Besides,  there  are  moods 
when  the  best  are  tempted  to  speak  words  to  the  nearest  and  dearest  that  cut 
like  a  dagger-thrust;  and  it  is  one  of  the  uses  of  superior  breeding  that  it 
teaches  a  self-restraint  which  checks  that  impulse  freighted  with  evil,  and 
leaves  the  bitter  word  unspoken.  It  is  in  home  life  that  courtesy  and  the 
forms  of  courtesy  are  most  precious. 

Wives  who  wish  to  retain  their  husbands  as  lovers  must  free  themselves 
of  all  shams.  Wear  a  mask  in  public,  if  you  will,  but  unmask  at  home.  If 
your  character  will  not  bear  inspection,  be  assured  that  no  mask  you  can 
wear  will  long  hide  its  hideous  deformity.  An  attempt  at  deceit,  once  dis- 
covered, ends  all  possibility  of  mutual  respect  and  confidence.  Fits  of 
temper,  fits  of  hysterics,  fits  of  despondency,  easy  to  conquer  and  banish 
before  they  become  habits,  are  fatal  to  happiness  when  allowed  to  entrench 
themselves  by  indulgence.  Make  allowances  for  a  husband's  weaknesses, 
and  forgive  as  you  expect  to  be  forgiven.  Never  reproach  for  an  action 
which  had  a  good  motive  behind  it,  and  never  neglect  the  interests  of  home, 
where  it  is  woman's  high  privilege  to  be  queen.  Those  who  urge  the  young 
wife  to  devote  a  part  of  her  time  to  charitable  purposes,  to  schools,  and  to 
missionary  societies,  with  the  best  of  motives,  doubtless,  advise  unwisely. 
A  house  is  not  a  home,  and  the  home  must  be  made.  The  husband  has  been 
won,  but  he  must  be  kept  to  willing  allegiance.  This  needs  the  best  thought, 
the  best  work,  and  the  whole  heart  of  the  true  and  loving  wife.  All  other 
interests  are  as  nothing  to  it.  It  is  the  highest  and  holiest  duty ;  for  without 
homes,  in  the  best'sense,  there  is  no  true  society  and  no  true  life. 

Let  it  never  be  said  that  you  are  more  agreeable  abroad  than  at  home ; 
that  you  keep  your  sweetness  and  courtesies  for  strangers,  and  relapse  into 
ill-bred  selfishness  by  your  own  hearthstone.  The  wife  who  seeks  admira- 
tion in  society,  putting  forth  her  best  efforts  to  win  approval  and  applause, 
while  she  makes  no  effort  to  make  home,  which  should  be  the  very  center  of 
her  love  and  her  thought,  attractive  and  happy,  is  catching  at  brilliant 
baubles,  while  she  treads  all  the  prizes  of  life  carelessly  under  her  feet. 


208  AFTER  MARRIAGE. 

Beware  of  confidants.  The  happenings  of  home-life,  which  concern  only 
yourself  and  your  husband,  are  sacred  and  inviolable,  and  no  true  or 
thoughtful  wife  will  rob  them  of  their  sacredness  by  talking  of  them  to  any 
other  person,  no  matter  how  near  a  friend.  This  is  especially  true  of  annoy- 
ances and  misunderstandings,  which  are  best  forgiven  and  forgotten.  Con- 
fidants are  dangerous ;  and  many  prying  women  seek  to  win  the  favor  of 
young  wives  for  the  power  it  gives  them.  Allow  no  one  to  force  an  intimacy 
upon  you ;  and  whoever  offers  advice  with  regard  to  your  husband,  or  seeks 
to  detract  from  his  merit,  set  down  as  a  mortal  enemy.  Above  all,  never 
plot  to  "manage"  a  husband,  or  seek  to  gain,  by  indirect  means,  what  you 
fear  would  be  refused  if  frankly  asked.  Be  assured  that  every  such  contest 
won  is  a  bitter  and  lasting  defeat.  The  frank,  truthful,  direct  way  is  always 
the  best  way,  and  if  your  point  is  not  gained  by  it  this  time  or  next,  you  are 
establishing  a  boundless  faith  that  will  make  you  a  winner  all  your  life. 
Women  who  "manage"  their  husbands  by  outwitting  them,  never  know 
how  often  they  are  outwitted  in  turn  without  knowing  it.  The  husband  is 
discreet  enough  to  enjoy  his  triumph  in  silence. 

There  are  many  wives  who  invite  indifference  by  inattention  to  dress. 
The  young  woman  who  could  not  be  too  careful  in  dressing  for  her  lover, 
after  marriage,  is  careless  and  slatternly  at  home,  and  that,  too,  when  she 
still  appears  the  fine  lady  in  society,  boldly  preferring  the  good  opinion  of 
others  to  her  husband's.  She  does  not  reason  it  out,  but  this  is  the  logical 
conclusion,  and  it  is  a  fatal  error,  as  every  wife  who  neglects  her  daily  attire 
will  learn  to  her  sorrow.  Men  are  weak  enough  to  be  attracted  by  neatness 
of  dress  in  woman,  and  there  are  few  who  would  not  prefer  a  scold  to  a  slat- 
tern. Dress  is  a  source  of  power  to  every  woman,  and  the  young  wife  who 
deliberately  neglects  her  personal  appearance,  deserves  no  sympathy  if  she 
loses  her  husband's  allegiance.  This  is  all  the  more  true  and  forcible,  because 
men  ask  only  the  elegance  of  simplicity,  neatness,  fitness,  and  harmony  of 
color.  The  costly  gew-gaws  are  for  the  eyes  of  other  women.  To  display 
them  to  men  is  casting  pearls  before  swine. 

Next  to  neatness  of  person,  as  a  source  of  power  to  the  wife,  is  neatness 
of  the  home,  and  here  again  a  profusion  of  ornament  does  not  please.  It  is 
the  general  effect  his  eye  takes  in  at  a  glance.  Men  like  comfort,  and  half 
the  charm  of  home  is  its  restfulness.  Articles  of  ornament  that  delight  the 


AFTER  MARRIAGE.  209 

eyes  of  women  are  unobserved  by  men,  and  are  a  source  of  annoyance,  be- 
cause in  the  way,  and  destructive  of  comfort.  A  woman  will  usually  sac- 
rifice her  personal  ease  and  that  of  her  family  to  fashion,  or  appearance;  a 
man,  never.  The  wife,  who  has  the  gift  of  wisdom,  will  remember  that  the 
unpardonable  sin,  in  the  eyes  of  her  husband,  is  to  make  him  uncomfortable, 
mentally  or  physically.  Simplicity,  an  air  of  elegance,  light  and  air,  are  all 
powerful  attractions.  Dark  rooms  are  gloomy  and  shadow  the  spirits,  and 
the  wife  must  choose  early  between  faded  carpets  and  a  cross  husband. 

The  true  and  loyal  wife  is  helpful.  She  takes  an  honest  pride  in  making 
the  most  of  money  entrusted  to  her.  "My  husband  works  hard  for  every 
dollar  he  earns,  and  it  seems  to  me  worse  than  cruel  to  lay  out  a  dime  un- 
necessarily," was  the  explanation  a  young  married  lady  gave,  when  a  visit- 
ing friend  found  her  sewing  buttons  on  her  husband's  coat;  and  her  words 
breathe  the  true  spirit  of  helpfulness. 

Any  concealment  of  expenditures,  or  running  up  of  bills,  without  know- 
ing whether  the  means  at  command  will  be  sufficient  to  pay  them,  must  be 
carefully  avoided.  The  burden  of  pressing  debts  impairs  the  energies  of 
men  sooner,  and  more  surely  than  any  other,  and  the  wife  who  wishes  her 
husband  to  succeed  will  take  care  that  she  adds  nothing  unnecessarily  to  his 
load.  Purchases  that  must  be  made  on  credit,  or  that  require  concealment, 
should  never  be  made. 

The  conduct  of  a  wife  should  always  be  that  of  a  lady.  A  mean  action, 
or  unrefined  conversation,  means  a  loss  of  respect,  and  a  consequent  loss  of 
influence  and  power.  The  least  duplicity  destroys  all  faith,  and  renders 
perfect  unity  impossible.  Trifles  often  disturb  the  serenity  of  family  life, 
and  the  bitterest  domestic  misery  often  results  from  trifling  differences'  of 
opinion.  In  all  matters  of  difference  of  opinion,  there  is  only  one-safe  rule, — 
charity  and  silence.  Discussion,  with  a  view  to  convince,  is  vain.  As  a  rule, 
the  weaker  one's  position  is,  the  more  persistently  and  bitterly  he  defends 
it.  Particularly  is  this  true  of  religious  views,  which  are  usually  held  with 
peculiar  tenacity,  as  they  are  made  a  matter  of  conscience.  With  these,  as 
with  all  others,  the  safe  rule,  as  well  as  the  Christian  rule,  is  charity  and 
liberty.  A  correct  life — the  doing  the  best  one  can  daily  and  hourly — is  a 
better  argument  in  favor  of  the  soundness  of  one's  creed,  than  was  ever 
made  from  pulpit  or  rostrum.  •»> 


210  AFTER  MARRIAGE. 

The  husband  who  forgets  within  his  own  doors  the  conduct  of  a  gentle- 
man, deserves  never  to  know  domestic  happiness.  If  good  manners  win  in 
society,  they  win  even  more  surely  at  home.  He  who  assumes  the  name  of 
husband,  takes  into  keeping  another's  life  and  happiness.  As  a  true  and 
knightly  man,  his  first  duty  is  to  her;  and,  as  the  stronger  party,  it  is  no 
humiliation  to  be  the  first  to  yield  in  any  contest  of  temper,  caprice,  or  in- 
terest. He  can  afford  to  be  silent  and  forbearing.  The  change  in  her  manner 
of  life  may  have  been  great,  and  her  new  life,  away  from  her  old  home,  may 
seem  solitary ;  while  he,  engaged  with  business  or  professional  duties,  finds 
time  passing  only  too  swiftly.  These  are  considerations  that  may  seem 
trifling  to  him,  but  are  nevertheless  weighty  where  her  happiness  is  in  ques- 
tion, and  they  deserve  his  careful  attention. 

Frankness  as  to  money  matters  is  a  subject  of  great  moment.  The  cause 
of  extravagance  in  women  oftener  lies  in  ignorance  of  the  husband's  income 
than  any  real  recklessness.  Women  are  seldom  taught  the  value  of  money, 
and  expend  thoughtlessly  rather  than  recklessly.  There  are  few  wives  who 
would  not  take  pride  in  bringing  the  household  expenditures  within  the  limit 
of  a  husband's  means,  if  the  limit  were  frankly  made  known  to  them.  In 
fact,  women  are  born  managers  in  the  details  of  finance,  and  there  are  few 
men  who  are  so  certain  to  get  the  full  value,  when  they  part  with  their 
money.  A  certain  sum,  placed  in  a  wife's  hands  monthly  or  weekly,  for 
household  and  personal  expenses,  is  almost  certain  to  be  wisely  used.  A  dis- 
creet course  in  the  beginning  of  married  life  would  cure  extravagant  habits, 
and  make  wise  women  of  many  reckless  spendthrifts.  Judicious  praise, 
freedom  from  interference  in  matters  which  are  her  own,  and  a  sense  of 
responsibility,  will  help  the  young  wife  to  become  happy  and  contented  in 
her  new  life,  more  than  any  indulgence  in  idleness  or  gay  society  could 
possibly  do. 

Above  all,  make  a  home  of  your  own.  Boarding-houses  are  the  bane  of 
married  life.  "  The  devil  finds  some  mischief  still  for  idle  hands  to  do," 
and  there  is  no  end  to  the  mischief  done  by  idle,  curious,  gossiping  and 
meddling  women,  in  life  at  the  hotels  and  boarding-houses,  in  which  it  was 
once  the  silly  and  pernicious  fashion — now  happily  out  of  date — for  young 
couples  to  begin  their  wedded  life.  The  character  of  the  woman  who  is  not 
poisoned  by  such  a  life  must  indeed  be  well  grounded  in  all  that  is  good. 


AFTER  MARRIAGE.  211 

It  was  never  meant  that  different  families,  with  diverse  interests,  should  be 
herded  together.  No  true  family  life  is  possible  without  privacy.  Solitude 
is  as  necessary  to  growth  as  society,  and  any  scheme  for  simplifying  modes 
of  living  must  take  into  consideration  this  need.  "  In  those  homes  where,  for 
the  sake  of  mutual  improvement,  the  husband  and  wife  have  agreed  to 
receive  and  give  corrections  in  a  kind  spirit,  they  are  training  themselves 
for  lives  of  usefulness  here  and  hereafter.  Faithful  unto  death,  in  all  things, 
should  be  the  motto  of  both,  and  forbearance  with  each  other's  peculiarties 
their  never-ending  effort  to  attain.  The  glamour  of  courtship  having  given 
place  to  the  realities  of  life,  they  must  accept  the  inevitable  when  they  have 
made  the  mistake  of  an  ill-assorted  marriage,  and  endure  until  the  end,  for 
better  or  for  worse,  as  it  may  be ;  for  in  so  doing  can  they  find  their  only 
consolation  for  having  rashly  failed  to  test  their  fitness  for  life-long  fellow- 
ship before  it  was  too  late.  Duty  without  love  is  like  thorns  without  roses, 
and  such  too  often  is  married  life  to'  those  whom  glamour  has  led  into  it. 
But  glamour  is  not  always  confined  to  courtship,  and  it  is  a  happy  thing 
when  true,  pure,  well-placed  love  sustains  and  beautifies  married  life  with 
its  countenance.  Faithfulness  makes  our  life  with  any  one  almost  divine, 
for  it  seems  to  give  the  enduringness  of  God  to  human  love,  and  bestow  on 
it  the  beauty  and  color  of  eternity.  There  is  no  comfort  on  this  earth  which 
shakes  ever  beneath  our  feet,  like  that  when  we  can  say,  '  I  possess  one  on 
whose  character  I  can  lean  as  on  a  rock.'  There  is  even  a  touch  of  heaven 
in  affections  that  are  guilty,  when  they  are  faithful  unto  death.  He,  then, 
who  finds  faithfulness  on  earth,  finds  the  pearl  of  great  price,  for  which  he 
might  sell  all  his  goods  and  dwell  in  poverty  content. 

"  To  be  faithful  unto  death  are  words  of  great  significance.  Even  with- 
out sharp  trials,  there  are  difficulties  enough  in  ordinary  life  to  try  our  fidel- 
ity to  duty,  to  call  for  the  exercise  of  all  our  force  of  character.  When  we 
have  to  go  on,  day  by  day,  contending  with  a  passionate  nature,  or  even  a 
sluggish  one — limiting  the  one  and  enkindling  the  other — meeting  small 
temptations  every  hour,  so  that  watchfulness  must  never  be  relaxed ;  when 
no  sooner  is  one  wrong-doing  laid  in  the  grave  than  another  rises  up,  so  that 
the  sword  of  life  is  never  in  its  scabbard ;  when  we  know  that  this  must  go 
on  for  years,  till  death  comes — then  not  to  give  way  to  anger,  or  to  weari- 

Sj  not  to  brood  over  the  battle,  but  to  take  it  courageously  when  it'comes 


212  AFTER  MARRIAGE. 

as  a  part  of  the  day's  work ;  to  make  of  high  endeavor  an  inward  light 
which  keeps  the  path  before  us  always  bright ;  to  conquer  the  chill  of  cus- 
tom and  the  might  of  common  place,  and  be  inspired  always  by  an  inward 
thought;  to  pour  into  life  such  love  of  God  and  man,  that  all  things  will 
grow  beautiful  and  worthy  to  be  done ;  and  to  look  forward  perseveringly  to 
the  last. 

'  From  well  to  better,  daily  self-surpassed,' 

this  is  to  be  faithful  unto  death ;  and  for  these  things  there  is  a  crown  of 
life.  Great  are  the  powers  of  man  in  the  power  of  God ;  but  there  is  one 
greater  than  all — it  is  a  faithful  heart." 


"  Touch  us  gentle,  Time! 
Let  us  glide  adown  thy  stream 
Gently,— as  we  sometimes  glide 
Through  a  quiet  dream ! " 

THE  habit  of  miscellaneous  gift-giving  and  gift-taking  has  done  much  to 
make  the  observance  of  birthday  and  wedding  anniversaries  unpopular 
among  people  of  delicate  sensibility.  Begging  in  any  form,  under  whatever 
specious  disguise,  is  ill-bred,  and  is  so  regarded  by  right-minded  people. 
Any  entertainment  which  takes  the  form  of  a  "  donation  party,"  to  which 
every  invited  guest  is  expected  to  bring  his  gift,  is  a  relic  of  barbarism,  and 
ought  to  have  no  countenance  in  the  present  age  of  refinement  and  culture. 
And  this  is  true  of  all  occasions,  whether  weddings,  wedding-anniversaries, 
birthdays,  or  christenings.  The  real  difference  between  soliciting  charity, 
and  sending  out  invitations,  which,  whether  accepted  or  declined,  silently 
demand  a  gift,  is  not  easily  perceptible;  and,  for  this  reason,  in  good  society, 
presents,  except  from  those  who  by  reason  of  near  kinship  or  long  and  inti- 
mate friendship  have  a  right  to  bestow  them,  are  regarded  with  aversion ; 
and  a  gift  other  than  that  of  a  book,  or  flowers,  or  some  simple  souvenir, 
from  a  distant  relative  or  mere  acquaintance,  is  regarded  as  an  impertinence, 
to  be  resented  by  returning  it  to  the  donor.  But  there  is  another  reason 
why  gifts  ought  not  to  be  received  from  those  who  bring  them  as  a  compul- 
sory contribution  because  it  is  "expected"  of  them.  While  a  souvenir 
from  a  near  relative  or  an  old  friend  imposes  no  obligation  on  the  recipient, 
because  the  motive  of  affection  and  esteem  which  prompted  it  makes  the 
act  a  pleasure  to  the  giver,  the  acceptance  of  a  gift  from  one  who  is  forced 


214  ANNIVERSARIES. 

to  confer  it  by  a  social  custom,  does  impose  an  obligation  to  return  it  at  the 
first  opportunity,  in  value  if  not  in  kind,  and  no  sensitive  man  or  woman 
will  fail  to  respond,  when  a  similar  card  of  invitation  gives  the  opportunity 
to  make  all  things  even.  Many  a  husband  and  wife,  who  looked  over  costly 
wedding-gifts  with  real  pleasure,  have  regretted  them  again  and  again,  as 
days  of  reckoning  in  the  shape  of  wedding  days  of  friends,  came  round,  and 
demanded  costly  expenditures  that  could  be  ill  afforded,  to  cancel  the  debts 
incurred.  No  thoughtful  person  will  impose  such  an  obligation  on  another, 
and  no  wise  man  will  accept  such  a  debt  when  it  can  be  courteously  avoided. 

For  these  reasons,  and  because  an  invitation  for  an  anniversary  could 
hardly  be  sent  without  the  suspicion  of  being  willing  to  receive  gifts  from 
the  friends  with  whom  they  only  desired  to  make  merry,  many  have 
refrained  from  celebrating  their  anniversaries ;  and  it  is,  doubtless,  also  for 
this  reason,  that  the  grotesque  cards,  printed  on  wood,  tin,  etc.,  which  were 
in  fashion  a  few  years  since,  have  gone  out  of  use. 

The  growth  of  a  self-respecting  and  wholesome  sentiment  in  regard  to  the 
acceptance  of  costly  and  substantial  favors  from  those  who  have  no  right  to 
make  them,  will  soon  make  it  unnecessary  to  have  engraved  on  the  invita- 
tion card, 

"No  Presents  Received;" 

but  at  present  it  is  often  found  expedient,  though  disagreeable  because  there 
is  in  it  a  hint  that  friends  to  whom  the  courtesy  is  offered  are  so  lacking  in 
delicacy  of  feeling,  that  the  somewhat  blunt  refusal  of  gifts  beforehand  is 
necessary  in  self-defense. 

To  avoid  the  necessity  for  such  warnings,  the  accepted  form  of  invitation 
to  the  earlier  anniversary  parties  or  receptions  is  not  made  to  differ  from 
that  to  an  ordinary  party.  After  arrival,  guests  are  informed  of  the  reason 
for  the  rejoicing  in  some  tasteful  way ;  it  may  be  by  the  decorations  consist- 
ing of  a  floral  marriage  bell,  or  a  horse  shoe  of  white  flowers,  with  the  date 
of  the  marriage  enclosed  by  it,  or  by  a  bride's  loaf,  on  the  top  of  which  the 
date  is  displayed  by  the  confection  ornaments.  Of  course,  congratulations 
and  a  general  merry-making  follow.  Older  people  naturally  prefer  a  grave 
and  dignified  celebration,  while  younger  couples  encourage  jollier  and  more 
fanciful  formalities. 


A  NNI VERSARIES.  215 

"  There  are  many  beautiful  and  suggestive  decorations  possible  upon  such 
an  occasion.  Sometimes  all  the  floral  ornaments  in  the  house  are  full  blos- 
soming roses  and  ivy,  or  rich  foliage  and  no  bloom.  Among  the  loveliest 
and  most  suggestive  of  house  decorations  for  a  golden  wedding  anniversary 
are  groups  of  palms  and  gracefully  drooping  heads  of  wheat,  tied  up  in 
small  sheaves.  Garlands  of  laurel  and  autumnal  foliage  are  also  both 
charming  and  pleasantly  significant  of  the  afternoon  of  a  happy  life." 

When  the  twenty-fifth  anniversary  of  marriage  is  reached,  it  is  custom- 
ary to  mention  the  fact  on  .the  cards,  adding  in  the  left  hand  corner,  "No 
gifts  received.11  The  invitation  is  in  neat  script,  and  on  a  sheet  of  the  finest 
note  paper : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Horace  Marshal 

request  the  pleasure  of  your  presence 

on  Tuesday  evening,  May  9th,  at  eight  o'clock, 

to  celebrate  the 
twenty-fifth  anniversary  of  their  marriage. 

No.  16  Harlow  Place. 
No  girts  received. 

The  word  "presence"  is  considered  more  dignified  and  in  better  form 
than  "company."  The  invitation,  of  course,  calls  for  an  immediate  reply, 
and  it  is  always  courteous  to  add  to  it  graceful  congratulations,  expressing  a 
real  interest  in  the  friends  who 'have  enjoyed  a  quarter  century  of  happy 
wedded  life.  A  correct  taste  would  dictate  that  these  congratulations  be 
dignified  and  not  over- cordial,  but  in  that  happy  medium  which  -is  kindly 
and  warm-hearted  without  a  taint  of  familiarity,  which  the  well-bred  are 
always  careful  to  avoid,  especially  as  any  excess  of  language  in  formal 
social  matters  is  open  to  a  suspicion  of  insincerity. 

On  an  anniversary  of  such  importance  as  the  twenty-fifth,  an  effort  is 
made  to  secure  the  presence  of  as  many  as  possible  of  the  guests  who 
attended  the  wedding,  •  as  well  as  the  clergyman  who  performed  the 
ceremony.  It  is  also  a  pretty  custom  to  wear  the  wedding  garments,  if  they 
have  been  preserved  with  the  usual  care.  The  clergyman  returns  thanks 
for  the  prolonged  life  and  happiness  of  the  long  wedded  pair,  and  such 
ceremonies  are  observed  (often  including  a  repetition  of  the  real  marriage 
ceremony,)  as  suit  the  tastes  of  the  parties  and  serve  to  add  to  the  impres- 
siveness  of  the  occasion,  without  making  it  tiresome.  The  congratulations 


216  ANNIVERSARIES. 

of  near  relatives  are  then  in  order,  others  following  afterwards.  If  a  formal 
supper  is  provided,  the  host  and  hostess  lead  together,  and  the  guests  follow 
in  order  as  convenience  suggests.  The  refreshments  are,  however,  often 
served  on  side-boards  or  tables,  guests  repairing  to  them  whenever  it  suits 
their  pleasure.  In  this  case,  the  couple  retain  their  position  during  the 
evening,  unless  dancing  is  a  part  of  the  merry-making,  when  they  lead  off 
in  the  first  dance,  usually  a  cotillion  on  such  occasions.  Guests  take  leave 
before  midnight,  after  expressing  their  good  wishes  with  more  than  the 
usual  fervor.  The  after  call  is,  of  course,  imperative. 

The  presents  for  a  silver  wedding  are  somewhat  costly,  as  trifles  in  silver 
are  not  as  easily  procured  as  in  cheaper  materials.  But  card  cases,  purses, 
silver  combs,  ornaments  for  the  neck  and  arms,  can  be  obtained,  and  for  the 
toilette  and  table,  articles  innumerable  can  be  purchased  at  moderate  prices. 
It  is  unnecessary  here  to  repeat  the  preparations  for  a  silver  wedding,  or  the 
manner  of  entertaining  the  guests,  as  all  that  has  been  said  with  regard  to  a 
first-class  wedding  reception  is  perfectly  applicable  here.  The  attention  to 
the  arrival  of  guests,  the  floral  decorations  of  the  house,  the  music,  the 
supper,  should  be  perfect,  and  the  best  that  the  means  of  the  "  wedded 
couple  "  will  justify. 

It  is  not  usual  to  celebrate  the  return  of  every  anniversary  of  a  wedding 
by  any  special  entertainment.  A  family  dinner,  or  presents  between  hus- 
band and  wife,  or  from  children  to  parents,  serve  to  mark  it  as  a  white  day 
in  the  calender;  but  it  is  only  after  the  years  have  passed,  which  have  been 
divided  into  fanciful  epochs  by  an  approved  custom,  that  the  occasion  is 
chosen  for  extended  hospitalities.  The  early  ones  are  intended  more  for 
fun-making  than  serious  celebrations,  and  the  gifts, — which  are  by  no 
means  obligatory, — are  rather  grotesque  than  costly.  The  first  anniversary 
is  known  as  the  "  paper  wedding."  It  is  not  customary  to  send  out  invi- 
tations on  this  occasion  for  a  formal  party,  but  it  is  usually  marked  by  a  family 
re-union,  a  dinner,  or  a  theatre  party.  But  friends  who  remember  the  date 
send  dainty  boxes  of  stationery,  new  novels,  volumes  of  poems,  fans, 
writing  desks,  glove  boxes, 'and  mouchoir  cases  made  of  papier-mache.  Any 
tasteful  or  fantastic  thing  in  paper  is  an  appropriate  gift.  Near  relatives 
and  friends  may  select  those  of  value,  but  acquaintances  very  properly  con- 
fine themselves  to  those  which  are  attractive  because  odd  and  grotesque, 


ANNIVERSARIES.  217 

rather  than  for  their  intrinsic  value.  The  "  wooden  wedding"  occurs  on 
the  fifth  anniversary,  and  is  often  made  the  occasion  of  a  party.  Some 
people  have  the  quaint  fancy  of  sending  the  invitations  on  birch  bark. 
Many  pretty  and  inexpensive  presents  can  be  made  of  wood.  Little  trifles 
in  carved  wood  for  the  drawing-room — fancy  brackets,  parlor  easels,  etc., 
souvenirs,  perhaps,  of  travels  abroad.  The  gifts  of  relatives  may  assume  the 
practical  form  of  a  handsome  sofa,  an  easy  chair,  or  a  piano-forte.  For 
ladies  who  are  accomplished  in  the  use  of  the  needle,  a  foot-stool,  a  piano 
seat  or  music  rack  worked  on  silk,  velvet,  leather  or  canvas,  and  with  floss 
or  wool,  is  an  appropriate  gift.  Many  graceful  additions  can  also  be  made 
to  the  toilet-table  in  the  form  of  powder  and  hair-pin  boxes,  comb  and 
brush  cases,  thimble  cases,  etc.,  of  elaborately  carved  or  handsomely  painted 
wood.  Japanese  ware  is  fashionable,  and  not  very  expensive,  while  a  work- 
box  never  comes  amiss  to  any  lady. 

The  "tin  wedding" — the  tenth  anniversary — is  somewhat  suggestive  of 
the  kitche'n  and  its  wares,  and  celebrations  of  it  hardly  reach  the  serious 
stage,  but  are  generally  given  up  to  fun-making,  the  presents  of  all  except 
relatives  being  rather  grotesque  than  useful.  The  "crystal  wedding" — the 
fifteenth  anniversary — is  oftener  celebrated  by  an  elaborate  entertainment, 
and  handsome  table  ornaments,  such  as  epergnes  and  berry-dishes,  which 
have  suffered  destruction  at  the  hands  of  a  score  of  careless  Bridgets,  may 
very  appropriately  be  replaced  by  affectionate  relatives  and  friends.  A  set 
of  goblets,  wine-glasses  or  finger-bowls  are  also  useful  gifts,  as  well  as  pretty 
vases  and  bouquet-holders  of  Bohemian  glass  or  crystal.  As  for  the  dressing- 
room,  presents  innumerable  may  be  made — vinaigrettes,  hand-glasses,  ivory 
hair-brushes  with  looking-glass  backs,  toilet  bottles,  etc. ;  while  from  those 
who  have  generous  impulses,  and  whose  means  do  not  correspond,  a  simple 
vial  of  some  toilet  extract — Lubin  or  Farina  cologne,  or  the  favorite  white 
rose  or  stephanotis — is  always  appropriate. 

China  weddings,  which  occur  on  the  twentieth  anniversary,  are  still 
more  important  than  previous  ones,  and  the  name  suggests  an  appropriate 
one  of  presents  both  costly  and  simple.  When  the  silver  wedding  arrives — 
the  first  really  great  anniversary  which  is  accepted  by  all  classes  and  con- 
ditions of  society  as  an  epoch  in  married  life,  and  generally  made  the 
occasion  of  a  fete — the  passing  years  have  registered  a  quarter  century  of 


218  ANNIVERSARIES. 

contented  wedded  life,  and  the  observance  of  it  ought  to  be  in  keeping  with 
the  importance  and  infrequency  of  the  event.  Still  more  rarely  does  the 
"  golden  wedding  "  occur,  marking  a  union  of  half  a  century,  and  rarest  of 
all  is  the  "diamond  wedding,"  which  comes  only  to  those  who  have 
journeyed  through  life  together,  sharing  its  joys  and  sorrows,  faithful  to 
their  vows  of  fidelity  and  love,  for  seventy-five  long  years. 

There  are  few  people  in  the  prime  of  life  who  care  to  make  conspicuous 
the  fact  that  the  passing  years  are  hurrying  them  into  the  decline  of  life ; 
and  it  is  only  in  childhood  and  the  early  flush  of  youth,  when  the  future  is 
a  fairy  land,  and  time  is  all  too  slow  in  its  flight,  or  when  in  the  calm  of  a 
serene  old  age,  with  the  sweet  twilight  falling  round  them  like  a  benediction, 
that  they  are  willing  to  watch  and  count  the  years.  In  the  interval  of 
activity  between  youth  and  age,  even  family  celebrations  are  most  accept- 
able when  quiet  rather  than  congratulatory. 

The  observance  of  the  birthdays  of  children,  a  custom  common  in 
Europe,  but  ruled  out  in  the  austere  life  of  the  Puritans  in  America,  is  grow- 
ing in  favor  and  practice.  Such  celebrations  are  pleasant  waymarks  in  the 
life  of  a  child,  and  are  always  held  in  grateful  remembrance.  The  guests 
should  be  the  little  playmates,  not  too  many  in  number,  generally  not  more 
than  can  be  easily  seated  at  the  table,  which  should  be  spread  with  a  dainty 
feast,  plentiful,  but  not  too  rich,  and  the  little  folks  should  monopolize  all 
the  seats,  their  elders  officiating  as  waiters,  and  supplying  their  wants,  tak- 
ing especial  care  that  the  shy  ones  are  not  forgotten  or  overshadowed  by  the 
more  aggressive.  A  very  pretty  special  ornament  for  the  table,  which  is 
often  made  its  chief  attraction,  is  a  birthday  cake,  around  the  edge  of  which 
is  fitted  a  neat  rim, — it  may  be  of  tin — in  which  are  as  many  places  for  wax- 
candles  as  the  years  of  the  child  whose  birthday  is  celebrated.  In  these  are 
fixed  the  requisite  number  of  fancy  colored  wax-candles,  and  just  before  the 
little  hostess  and  her  guests  are  invited  to  the  table,  all  are  lighted.  After 
the  substantials  of  the  miniature  feast  are  disposed  of,  the  cake  is  lifted  out 
of  its  blazing  circle  and  set  before  the  one  in  whose  honor  the  day  is 
celebrated.  If  strong  and  old  enough,  she  cuts  it,  and  each  guest  is  served 
with  a  piece.  Neat  little  paper  boxes  filled  with  harmless  but  choice 
dainties,  may  also  be  given  the  children,  as  they  take  leave  that  the  pleasure 
of  the  day  may  be  recalled  on  the  morrow.  After  supper,  dancing  or  games 


ANNIVERSARIES.  219 

follow,  and  the  time  allotted  is  given  up  to  the  brightest  merry-making. 
No  presents  are  offered  by  guests,  except,  perhaps,  flowers,  or  some  trifle  to 
serve  as  a  memento  of  the  occasion.  These  or  similar  celebrations  are 
repeated  annually,  in  many  families,  until  children  are  old  enough  to  enter 
society, — a  period  of  mourning,  even,  not  being  allowed  to  do  more  than 
make  the  occasion  less  gay  than  usual. 

The  young  man's  twenty-first  birthday  marks  the  attainment  of  his 
majority,  and  is  often  made  an  occasion  for  a  dinner,  or  some  appropriate 
festivity.  The  years  of  the  daughters  are  not  thus  conspicuously  paraded, 
for  reasons  which  everyone  understands,  but,  at  the  same  time,  pronounces 
absurd.  The  birthdays  of  other  mature  members  of  the  family  are  cele- 
brated, if  at  all,  quietly,  among  kinsfolk,  unless  they  have  reached  an 
unusual  length  of  years,  when  any  thoughtful  attention,  flowers,  letters  of 
congratulation,  simple  gifts,  or  even  a  dinner  party  or  reception,  from  the 
companions  of  their  youth,  and  from  younger  friends,  are  exceedingly 
beautiful  and  comforting. 

The  day  when  the  heir  was  named  was  once  only  second  in  importance 
and  ceremony  to  that  which  marked  the  attainment  of  his  majority ;  but  the 
birth  of  daughters,  who,  in  those  days,  were  not  considered  of  much  impor- 
tance to  the  family  or  the  world,  was  seldom  celebrated.  Now,  the  birth  of 
an  infant  excites  little  interest  outside  the  circle  of  friends  and  relatives  into 
which  it  is  born;  though  in  England,  the  birth  of  "well-born"  children  is 
published  in  the  leading  journals,  and  in  France,  every  child  is  taken  before 
the  mayor  to  be  registered  when  three  days  old.  In  America,  a  birth  is  sel- 
dom announced  in  the  papers,  though  such  publicity  is  a  question  of  taste 
which  parents  solve  for  themselves. 

The  ceremony  of  christening,  originally  a  high  festival  devoted  to  feast- 
ing and  merriment,  was  transformed  by  the  dissenting  churches  into  an 
austere  religious  formality,  and  fitted  to  the  rigorous  and  severe  views  of  the 
life  here,  and  of  the  life  to  come,  which  made  up  their  accepted  creed.  The 
child  was  not  only  named,  but  solemnly  dedicated  to  the  service  of  their 
peculiar  faith.  But,  within  the  past  quarter  century,  there  has  been  a  sen- 
sible drifting  away  from  the  shadow  of  these  rigid  and  austere  forms,  and, 
with  the  change,  has  come  sweeter  sentiments,  nobler,  and,  at  the  same 
time,  tenderer  estimates  of  duty,  and  more  beautiful  customs  for  christening 


220  ANNIVERSARIES. 

the  little  beings  who  do  not  bring  their  names  into  the  world  with  them, 
and  whose  free  spirits  would  protest,  if  they  could,  against  their  consecra- 
tion to  a  fixed  faith,  in  the  choice  of  which  they  had  no  voice  or  vote.  Now, 
while  the  beauty  of  the  religious  ceremony  is  preserved,  it  is  possible  for 
those  who  participate  to  feel  glad  and  happy,  without  failing  in  reverence 
or  gratitude.  It  is  one  of  the  most  hopeful  signs  of  the  century,  that  the 
harshness  and  inhumanity  of  old  religious  forms  is  giving  way  to  sweeter 
and  more  beautiful  rites,  while  the  standard  of  conduct  is  not  in  the  least 
degree  lowered.  Indeed,  it  is  always  found  to  be  true,  that  the  sweeter  and 
more  tender  the  accepted  faith  of  a  family,  the  deeper  and  more  profound 
the  piety  of  its  children.  The  consecration  of  the  white  and  untrained  soul 
to  a  noble  life  is  not  less  sincere  because  made  amid  friends  and  flowers, 
with  harmonious  music  to  supplement  the  benediction. 

The  change  from  the  austere  to  the  beautiful  in  christenings,  has  made  it 
a  general  custom  to  observe  the  occasion,  and  the  ceremonies  grow  more  and 
more  beautiful  every  year.  On  the  birth  of  a  child,  an  engraved  card  is 
often  sent  to  notify  friends  and  acquaintances  of  the  event.  The  form  is  as 

follows : 

Arthur  Ward, 

born  to  . 

Arthur  and  Virginia  Stuart, 
May  9th,  1879. 

St.  Louis. 

On  receipt  of  this  card,  which  may  be  sent  by  messenger  or  post,  friends 
of  the  mother  answer  by  calls  in  person,  leaving  cards  with  kind  inquiries 
and  flowers,  or  send  notes  of  congratulation.  The  gentlemen  offer  their 
congratulations  to  the  father,  who  is  expected  to  be  both  proud  and  happy. 

The  form  for  a  christening,  most  favored  in  society,  is  a  reception.  This 
should  take  place  only  when  the  mother's  health  is  sufficiently  established 
to  bear  the  fatigue,  and  the  infant  is  able  to  endure  the  exposure.  The  invi- 
tation may  be  written  or  engraved,  the  only  difference  being  a  less  formal 
distribution  of  the  lines  when  written : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Arthur  Stuart 

request  the  honor  of  your  presence  at  the 

christening  ceremony  of  their  son,  (or  daughter) 

at  five  o'clock,  "Wednesday,  June  30th. 

Reception  from  four  to  six  o'clock. 

No.  1768  Minnehaha  Avenue. 


ANNIVERSARIES.  221 

This  invitation  may  extend  only  to  relatives  and  intimate  friends,  or  it 
may  take  in  more  remote  acquaintances.  The  hour  may  be  earlier,  for  the 
benefit  of  the  mother — at  two  o'clock,  perhaps ;  in  which  case,  a  "breakfast" 
is  given  of  hot  and  cold  dishes,  ices,  jellies,  coffee,  chocolate  and  tea.  The 
evening  christening  is,  of  course,  more  effective;  the  clergyman  in  his  robes, 
the  sponsors,  and,  for  the  central  figure,  "the  handsomest  baby  in  the  world," 
in  its  baptismal  laces,  all  make  up  a  beautiful  picture  under  the  evening 
lights. 

The  invitation  must  receive  a  prompt  answer,  and  the  guests,  who  arrive 
before  the  hour  named  for  the  ceremony,  in  reception  or  evening  costume,- 
are  received  by  the  host  and  hostess,  as  is  usual  at  any  reception.  The  house 
is  decorated  liberally  with  flowers, — symbols  of  purity  and  sweetness — so  far 
as  the  season  will  permit,  and  there  may  be  a  band  of  music ;  at  least  a 
quartette  of  singers,  with  an  accompanist  arid  piano.  In  some  prominent 
place  is  arranged  a  temporary  font;  a  small  round  table,  perhaps,  hung  with 
smilax,  on  which  is  set  a  silver  or  glass  bowl.  The  space  between  bowl  and 
table  should  be  filled  with  white  flowers, — a  row  of  calla  lillies,  it  may  be, 
with  other  flowers  built  up  over  it,  and  overhanging  the  rim  of  the  baptismal 
bowl.  Overhead,  a  white  dove  (a  real  one  is  best),  with  outspread  wings, 
suspended  by  a  thread,  is  an  exceedingly  beautiful  symbol. 

At  the  hour  named,  the  child  is  brought  to  the  parents,  who  stand  by  the 
font,  the  sponsors  near  them.  If  a  girl  is  to  be  christened,  two  young  ladies 
are  chosen  as  its  guardians,  and  arrange  themselves,  dressed  in  white,  one 
beside  the  father  and  the  other  beside  the  mother,  while  the  hymn  or  chant 
is  sung.  The  religious  rites  follow,  according  to  the  custom  of  the  chosen 
church;  then  there  is  music  again,  and  after  it  the  benediction.  After  this, 
congratulations  are  offered  to  father  and  mother,  the  baby  is  petted  and 
praised,  and  refreshments  are  offered,  as  is  usual  at  any  reception,  except 
that  they  are  richer  and  more  generous  than  ordinary.  The  ceremony  admits 
of  any  variation  which  taste  may  suggest,  so  long  as  the  sacred  character  of 
the  religious  rite  loses  none  of  its  serious  and  yet  very  beautiful  significance. 
The  christening  is  frequently,  but  not  necessarily,  associated  with  baptism. 
In  the  Episcopal  church,  three  sponsors  are  requisite, — two  god-fathers  and 
one  god-mother  for  a  boy,  and  one  god-father  and  two  god-mothers  for  a 
girl, — chosen  from  among  relatives  or  intimate  friends,  and  one  should  al- 


222  ANNIVERSARIES. 

ways  be  he  or  she  after  whom  the  child  is  named.  These  sponsors  pledge 
themselves  to  look  after  the  spiritual  and  temporal  welfare  of  the  child,  and, 
as  a  token  of  their  abiding  interest  and  affection,  present  some  token  to  the 
god-child, — a  gold  or  silver  mug,  a  spoon  and  fork,  or  more  frequently  a 
saucer  and  spoon  of  silver  lined  with  gold,  or  a  rich  bowl  and  spoon.  These 
are  more  appropriate,  while  scarcely  more  costly,  gifts  than  toys  and  baby 
things,  because  their  more  enduring  qualities  make  them  lasting  mementos 
of  the  occasion. 

The  passion  for  giving  children  high-sounding  names,  which  have  once 
belonged  to  distinguished  men  and  women,  is  said  to  be  peculiarly  American. 
There  is  scarcely  a  family,  much  less  a  village  or  hamlet,  between  the  two 
oceans,  that  cannot  boast  one  or  more  George  Washingtons,  Benjamin 
Franklins,  Julius  Caesars,  Patrick  Henrys,  Mark  Antonys,  and  a  single 
family  is  on  record  as  having  a  Julius  Csesar,  a  Napoleon  Bonaparte,  a  Han- 
nibal, a  William  Shakspeare,  a  John  Milton,  an  Alfred  Tennyson,  a  Marie 
Antoinette,  and  a  Guinevere.  When  the  family  name  is  the  mellifluous 
Smith,  the  rippling  Jones,  or  the  dulcet  Johnson,  the  combination  is  one  de- 
voutly to  be  delivered  from.  Bible  names,  which  in  Hebrew  meant  some- 
thing, but  are  only  harsh  and  unpleasant  in  English,  are  often  given  to 
children  by  well-meaning,  pious  people,  hoping  and  praying,  perhaps,  that 
the  scriptural  sound  will  somehow  work  good  in  the  heart  of  the  boy  who  is 
cursed  with  the  load  of  such  a  name  as  Jehosaphat,  Jereboam,  Hezekiah, 
Benijah,  Obadiah,  Zerubbabel,  Jedediah,  Abiram,  or  Chedorloamer,  but  the 
reports  of  murders,  robberies,  divorces,  and  scandals  with  which  the  daily 
press  of  the  day  teems,  are  as  full  of  Jededians  as  of  Johns,  and  of  George 
Washingtons  as  of  plain  Alberts.  Many  of  the  harsh  Scriptural  names  are 
even  less  to  be  sought  after  than  the  Pompeys,  or  the  Jacksons.  But  what 
shall  be  said  of  the  fond  parents  who  visited  on  an  innocent  and  helpless  boy 
such  a  name  as  "  Kempton  Kutesaw  Vanalmond  Black,"  on  the  ground  that 
it  was  a  decidedly  original  name. 

The  father  of  General  Grant  used  to  relate  that  the  name  of  the  future 
chieftain  and  President  was  chosen  by  lot,  seven  names  being  placed  in  a  hat, 
and  "Ulysses"  drawn  first;  and  parents  often  select  the  name  of  a  child  in 
some  careless  manner,  reflecting  little  on  the  plain  and  absurd  name,  and  the 
ridicule  it  is  sure  to  excite,  will  give  to  a  sensitive  child.  The  custom 


ANNIVERSARIES.  223 

observed  in  many  families  of  handing  down  the  names  of  honored  and  hon- 
orable ancestors,  from  generation  to  generation,  is  to  be  commended,  espe- 
cially when  such  good  old  English  ones  as  Edward,  Edwin,  Alfred,  Edgar, 
Edith,  Ethel,  and  Elizabeth,  or  even  the  familiar  William,  Henry,  Charles, 
Mary,  Martha,  Margaret,  Louisa,  Sarah,  and  Helen,  are  among  the  heirlooms 
of  the  family.  Names  should  be  chosen  for  simplicity  and  euphony,  and  for 
their  beauty  when  incorporated  into  the  written  signature. 

"  He  that  is  ambitious  for  his  son  should  give  him  untried  names; 
For  those  that  have  served  other  men,  haply  may  injure  by  their  evils, 
Or  otherwise  may  hinder  by  their  glories;  therefore,  set  him  by  himself, 
To  win  for  his  individual  name  some  clearer  praise." 


FUNEKAL  AKD   MOTJRXT^G  CUSTOMS. 


"  When  our  souls  shall  leave  this  dwelling, 
The  glory  of  one  fair  and  virtuous  action 
Is  above  all.  the  scutcheons  on  our  tomb, 
Or  silken  banners  o'er  us." 


THE  tendency  towards  simplicity  and  beauty  in  all  social  forms  has  had  its 
effect  on  funeral  and  mourning  customs.  The  hired  mutes  and  emblematic 
honors  of  death,  which  still  make  an  English  funeral  so  remarkable,  are 
unknown  in  America.  Many  persons  of  culture  even  reject  mourning  cos- 
tumes as  useless  outward  symbols  of  an  inward,  consuming  grief.  The 
appalling  shroud,  the  winding  sheet,  and  the  bare  coffin,  are  dimly  remem- 
bered as  frightful  legions  of  the  past ;  and  with  them  has  disappeared  the 
rigid  formality  which  required  the  bereaved  to  endure  the  agony  of  grief  in 
the  presence  of  others,  when  a  body  worn  with  watching  and  mind  over- 
whelmed with  loss  made  publicity  a  torture.  The  change  that  has  come 
about  permits  freedom  to  mourn  the  dead  and  to  care  for  their  inanimate 
clay  as  affection  may  suggest.  There  is  now  no  set  of  rules  which  strictly 
govern  funeral  ceremonies.  The  religious  services  are  governed  by  the  forms 
of  the  church  to  which  the  officiating  clergyman  belongs,  but  the  usages  of 
burial  are  left  to  be  regulated  by  the  taste  and  feeling  of  friends. 

In  the  arrangement  of  the  body  for  burial,  the  rigid,  upturned  face  and, 
crossing  of  the  hands  upon  the  breast,  are  no  longer  customary.  The  pulse- 
less body  is  neatly  attired  in  the  clothing  worn  in  life,  tenderly  pillowed, 
and  composed  into  a  natural  and  easy  position,  the  face  showing  a  partial 
profile.  The  young  are  often  robed  in  festal  costumes,  and  as  the  friends 
take  a  last  look  at  the  peaceful  face  of  the  loved  one,  who  sleeps  so  well 


FUNERAL  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS.  225 

after  life's  fitful  fever,  there  is  one  pang  the  less,  because  loving  hands  have 
won  a  victory  over  death  itself,  by  banishing  its  repulsive  features.  The 
grief  of  friends  resolves  itself  into  a  sense  of  personal  loss,  and  there  are  few 
who,  looking  upon  the  restful  face  of  the  dead,  would  recall  the  dearest 
friend  from  the  bright  world  in  which  the  unfettered  soul  has  entered  upon 
n  higher  and  grander  life. 

Every  sensitive  mind  must  rejoice  to  see  the  sepulchral  shroud  and  wind- 
ing sheet  discarded.  The  more  cultivated  portions  of  society  aim  at  soften- 
ing the  terrors  of  the  grave,  by  presenting,  as  far  as  is  consistent  with  the 
solemnity  of  the  occasion  a  cheerful  aspect.  The  recent  fashion  of  using 
bright  flowers  at  a  funeral  is  to  be  commended.  It  is  quite  time  that  the 
ghastly  tuberoses  and 

"  The  carven,  cold  camelias, 
Soulless,  scentless  and  white," 

were  displaced  by  flowers  of  more  agreeable  association.  And  how  much 
less  torturing  is  the  memory  of  the  departed  whom  we  have  seen  in  death 
robed  as  for  some  festal  occasion.  We  now  often  see  the  lifeless  body  of  a 
young  maiden  dressed  as  for  a  bridal  ceremony, — a  wreath  of  sweet  lilies, 

"  With  their  petals  of  pale  pearl," 

resting  on  her  brow,  and  a  bunch  of  tender  violets,' 
"  That  bloom,  for  love  and  spring," 

laid  tenderly  on  the  bosom  of  the  soulless  sleeper. 

The  apartments  of  the  house  of  mourning  are  made  bright  with  flowers, 
arranged  with  taste  and  without  lavish  ostentation.  A  correct  taste  does 
not  permit  display  or  parade,  and  banishes  all  offerings  of  flowers  wrought 
into  unnatural  forms.  Indeed,  the  custom  of  sending  in  flowers  has  been 
carried  to  such  an  excess,  in  many  of  the  large  cities,  that  friends  make  a 
formal  request,  with  the  public  notice  of  the  death,  that  no  flowers  be  sent 
in.  To  be  appropriate,  they  must  be  delicately  selected,  that  a  sentiment  of 
reserve  rather  than  ostentation  may  be  expressed  by  their  arrangement. 
A  tiny  sheaf  of  ripened  wheat  laid  with  a  branch  of  palm  upon  the  coffin 
of  the  venerable  dead ;  a  garland  of  poppies  for  the  long-suffering ;  a  wreath 


226  FUNERAL  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS. 

of  bay-leaves  for  the  widely-known  and  honored,  whose  death  is  a  public 
loss;  a  bunch  of  fragrant  blossoms,  selected  with  reference  to  the  age,  cir- 
cumstances or  sentiments  of  the  sleeper,  and  laid  upon  the  lifeless  breast, 
are  all  agreeable  and  suggestive  attentions. 

Of  course,  the  most  agonizing  service  that  is  required,  upon  the  death  of 
a  member  of  a  family,  is  spared  to  those  nearest  and  dearest.  The  dead  are 
cared  for  by  other  hands  than  those  which  ministered  to  the  dying.  It  is 
now  no  longer  necessary  to  have  "watchers,"  but  there  are  many  of  the 
bereaved  who  dread  the  mystery  and  silence  of  the  death  chamber,  and  who 
would  feel  less  oppressed  by  their  grief  and  the  desolateness  of  the  house,  if 
there  were  friends  moving  noiselessly  about  through  the  long,  sad  hours  of 
the  night. 

The  notice  of  a  death  and  invitations  to  the  funeral  are  conveyed  through 
the  newspapers  to  the  friends  and  acquaintances  generally,  but  notes  are 
eent  to  those  who  are  to  serve  as  pall-bearers.  It  is  a  growing  custom  in 
America,  as  in  England,  to  send  to  relatives  and  friends  cards  deeply  edged 
in  black,  on  which  is  printed  the  name  of  the  deceased,  with  age,  place,  and 
date  of  death.  These  are  acknowledged  by  notes  of  condolence,  or  calls  at  a 
proper  time.  For  the  funeral  of  either  a  lady  or  gentleman,  six  or  eight 
friends  are  chosen  as  pall-bearers,  provided  the  burial  follows  the  funeral 
service.  These  are  furnished  with  black  kid  gloves  at  the  funeral  of  elderly 
people  or  men,  and  with  white  ones  at  the  burial  of  a  child  or  young  lady, 
and  a  scarf  of  black  crape  or  fine  white  linen,  according  to  the  occasion,  is 
tied  around  the  left  arm.  These  friends  sometimes  bear  the  dead  to  and 
from  the  hearse,  but  oftener  serve  as  guard,  and  stand  with  lifted  hats,  while 
those  who  have  been  employed  for  the  purpose  remove  the  coffin. 

The  burial  does  not  always  occur  immediately  after  the  funeral  service, 
in  which  case  pall-bearers  are  unnecessary.  The  service  is  often  performed 
while  the  body  still  lies  uncoffined,  compared  to  one  who  has  fallen  into  a 
restful  sleep.  The  burial  is  then  private,  often  attended  only  by  the  male 
relatives.  Indeed,  custom  permits  but  does  not  require  the  ladies  of  a 
family  to  be  present  at  the  burial  scene.  The  family  and  intimate  friends  do 
not  take  public  leave  of  the  dead,  the  agony  of  parting  being  endured  alone; 
nor  are  they  expected  to  be  visible  during  the  funeral  service,  though  not 
beyond  hearing  the  words  of  the  officiating  clergyman.  The  details  of  the 


FUNERAL  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS.  227 

occasion  are  given  up  to  some  chosen  friend,  or  to  the  professional  under- 
taker, who  arranges  the  mournful  programme,  sparing  friends  that  pain  and 
anxiety.  The  one  in  charge  should  consult  some  member  of  the  family  in 
relation  to  the  expense  to  be  incurred,  which  should  always  be  moderate  and 
in  keeping  with  the  means  of  the  afflicted,  as  nowhere  is  extravagance  more 
out  of  taste  than  at  the  last  sad  rites  which  close  the  earthly  career  of 
friends. 

The  bereaved  friends  need  not  see  even  relatives  and  intimate  friends 
until  after  the  funeral  services,  if  they  prefer  to  be  alone ;  mere  acquaint- 
ances should  not  do  more  than  leave  a  card,  with  kind  inquiries,  without 
seeking  to  enter,  until  after  the  burial.  The  sign  of  mourning,  to  keep 
away  casual  visitors,  is  black  crape  upon  the  bell  or  door-knob  of  the  front 
door,  tied  by  a  black  ribbon,  if  the  person  is  married  or  advanced  in  years, 
or  with  white  if  young  or  unmarried. 

Invitations  to  funerals  are,  as  a  rule,  issued  only  when  it  is  necessary  to 
put  a  limit  to  the  attendance,  and  to  prevent  confusion  where  interest  or 
idle  curiosity  impels  the  populace  to  attend.  Cards  to  the  house  and  the 
church  were  issued  for  the  funerals  of  Alexander  T.  Stewart  and  Commo- 
dore Vanderbilt.  The  invitations  to  the  funeral  of  Montague,  the  actor7 
printed  on  octavo  card,  with  wide  border,  read  as  follows: 

Church  of  the  Transfiguration,  29th  St.,  near  Fifth  Ave. 
You  are  requested  to  attend  the  funeral  of 

Mr.  H.  J.  Montague. 

Date  and  hour  in  public  papers. 

Please  show  this  at  the  door. 

For  friends  who  are  specially  invited  to  a  funeral,  carriages  should  be 
provided  to  convey  them  to  the  cemetery,  and  the  master  of  ceremonies 
should  be  given  a  list  of  such,  that  he  may  know  how  many  carriages  will 
be  needed,  and  in  what  order  to  arrange  them.  Friends  and  acquaintances 
take  a  last  leave  of  the  dead  in  the  drawing-room,  or  sometimes  in  the  chan- 
cel of  the  church.  When  the  services  are  held  at  the  house,  some  friend 
receives  guests  as  they  arrive,  and  the  family  do  not  appear  at  all.  The 
procession  moves  from  the  door  an  hour  after  the  beginning  of  the  service. 
The  carriage  of  the  clergyman  precedes  the  hearse,  which  is  followed  by 
those  of  relatives,  those  nearest  following  first.  As  the  mourners  p^iss  to 


228  FUNERAL  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS. 

the  carriages,  all  present  stand  with  uncovered  heads.  The  master  of  cere- 
monies directs  the  mourners  to  their  carriages,  and  assists  them  to  enter  and 
alight.  Sometimes  the  empty  carriage  of  the  diseased  follows  after  the 
hearse,  and  the  horse  of  a  diseased  mounted  officer,  fully  equipped  and 
draped  in  mourning,  is  led  first  in  the  procession.  At  the  cemetery,  the 
clergyman  precedes  the  coffin  to  the  burial  place.  It  was  once  the  custom 
to  place  upon  the  coffin  of  the  young  a  wreath  of  white  flowers,  and  upon 
that  of  the  elderly  or  married,  a  cross;  but  good  taste  rebels  against  strict 
rules  on  such  occasions,  and  flowers  are  now  less  frequently  wrought  into 
forms  of  any  kind,  nor  are  pallid  blossoms  the  only  ones  admitted.  If  the 
dead  be  an  officer  of  the  army  or  navy,  some  insignia  of  rank  is  added,  and 
the  hat,  sword,  epaulettes  and  sash  are  laid  upon  the  coffin,  which  is  draped 
with  the  national  flag.  No  one  who  is  not  in  similar  deep  affliction  can 
decline  to  attend  a  funeral  to  which  he  has  been  invited.  It  is  also  a  strict 
requirement  that  no  one  of  the  immediate  family  should  leave  the  house 
between  the  time  of  the  death  and  the  funeral.  When  a  death  becomes 
known,  cards  of  condolence  may  be  left  at  the  door,  with  kind  inquiries ; 
but  none  except  relatives  and  intimate  friends,  whose  presence  would  be  a 
comfort,  must  seek  to  be  admitted. 

Memorial  cards  are  now  common,  especially  among  Episcopalians. 
They  are  printed  in  the  very  chastest  and  most  elegant  style  of  the  printer's 
art,  on  either  note  or  cards.  They  assume  all  kinds  of  forms.  Something 
like  this  is  frequently  used : 

In  affectionate  remembrance  of 
Helen  Antoinette  Jewett, 

of  New  York, 

who  died  October  28th-,  1878, 
and  was  interred  in  Greenwood  Cemetery  on 

All  Saints  Day. 
(Here  may  follow  a  verse  from  the  New  Testament.) 

964  Washington  Place, 
New  York,  Nov.  1st,  1878. 

A  very  plain  and  common  form  for  a  card  is  simply : 

In  Memoriam 

Richard  Holmes, 

Died  at  New  York,  Sept.  12th,  1878, 

Aged  19  years. 


FUNERAL  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS.  229 

As  to  the  period  of  mourning,  there  are  no  fixed  rules.  There  are  persons 
who  are  conscientiously  opposed  to  mourning  garments,  insisting  that  no 
inward  grief  can  be  expressed  by  material  things,  and  these  scruples  must 
be  respected.  A  modern  writer  says :  "  Those  who  wish  to  show  themselves 
strict  observers  of  etiquette  keep  their  houses  in  twilight  seclusion  and 
sombre  with  mourning  for  a  year  or  more,  allowing  the  piano  to  remain 
closed  for  the  same  length  of  time.  But  in  this  close  observance  of  the 
letter  of  the  law,  its  spirit  is  lost  entirely. 

"  It  is  not  desirable  to  enshroud  ourselves  in  gloom  after  a  bereavement, 
no  matter  how  great  it  has  been.  It  is  our  duty  to  ourselves  and  to  the 
world  to  regain  our  cheerfulness  as  soon  as  we  may,  and  all  that  conduces  to 
this  we  are  religiously  to  accept,  whether  it  be  music,  the  bright  light  of 
heaven,  cheerful  clothing,  or  the  society  of  friends. 

"  At  all  events,  the  moment  we  begin  to  chafe  against  the  requirements 
of  etiquette,  grow  weary  of  the  darkened  room,  long  for  the  open  piano,  and 
look  forward  impatiently  to  the  time  when  we  may  lay  aside  our  mourning, 
from  that  moment  we  are  slaves  to  a  law  which  was  originally  made  to  serve 
us  in  allowing  us  to  do  unquestioned  what  was  supposed  to  be  in  true 
harmony  with  our  gloomy  feelings. 

"The  woman  who  wears  the  badge  of  widowhood  for  exactly  two  years 
to  a  day,  and  then  puts  it  off  suddenly  for  ordinary  colors,  and  who  possibly 
has  already  contracted  an  engagement  for  a  second  marriage  during  these 
two  years  of  supposed  mourning,  confesses  to  a  slavish  hypocrisy,  in  making 
an  ostentatious  show  of  grief  which  has  long  since  died  a  natural  (and  shall 
we  not  say,  a  desirable)  death. 

"In  these  respects  let  us  be  natural,  and  let  us,  moreover,  remember  that 
though  the  death  of  our  friends  brings  us  real  sorrow,  yet  it  is  still  a  time  of 
rejoicing  for  their  sakes. 

"  It  is  hard  to  make  rules  that  shall  preclude  any  afflicted  soul  from 
seeking  to  lighten  its  burden  by  harmless,  social  distraction.  It  is  very  hard 
for  some  people  to  bear  their  grief  alone;  while  others,  no  more  deeply 
wounded,  shut  themselves  up  and  shrink  even  from  meeting  a  familiar  face. 
At  the  same  time,  to  give  parties,  or  to  go  out  during  the  first  year  of  one's 
mourning,  may  be  deemed  questionable  taste.  But  friends  thus  placed  will 
not  be  forgotten  by  those  who  love  them.  There  are  a  thousand,  little 


230  FUNERAL  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS. 

attentions  to  show  sympathy  and  friendship  that  will  reflect  grace  and 
thoughtful  feeling  in  those  whose  day  of  sorrow  has  not  yet  come." 

An  authority  in  etiquette  lays  down  the  following  as  the  nearest  approach 
to  rules  generally  recognized  in  society : 

"  With  regard  to  the  apparel  of  the  bereaved  family  and  relatives, 
etiquette  prescribes  that  a  widow  is  to  dress  in  crape  and  bombazine,  with 
black  crape  bonnet  and  heavy  crape  veil.  The  bonnet  is  lined  with  a  border 
of  white  lisse  or  tarlatan.  For  the  first  three  months,  the  veil  is  not  lifted 
in  the  street  or  at  church.  This  deep  mourning  a  widow  is  expected  to  wear 
a  full  year.  Many  never  lighten  it  unless  they  marry.  This  is  considered 
most  respectful  to  the  dead. 

For  parents  and  children,  full  black  is  worn  a  year,  and  after  that, 
although  black  is  worn  another  year,  the  material  may  be  changed  and 
crape  dispensed  with. 

The  custom  of  wearing  purple  the  second  year  is  now  obsolete ;  mourning 
is  only  lightened  by  leaving  off  crape,  wearing  white  ruches,  illusion,  etc. 

For  brothers  and  sisters  crape  is  worn  six  months,  and  for  the  remainder 
of  the  year  cachemire,  silks  without  lustre,  and  grenadines.  For  the  second 
year  black  and  white  are  appropriate.  For  grandparents,  uncles,  aunts  and 
cousins,  crape  is  not  worn,  even  in  the  first  days;  but  for  three  months,  no 
color  forms  a  part  of  the  dress. 

Children  also  wear  sombre  garments,  but  it  is  usually  modified  some- 
what even  for  the  nearest  relations. 

Servants  who  have  been  long  in  the  family  are  presented  with  such 
mourning  apparel  as  is  becoming  their  station  in  life,  and  wear  the  same 
out  of  respect  to  the  dead,  and  also  to  conform  to  the  family  mourning. 

With  gentlemen,  the  width  of  the  "weed"  worn  about  the  hat  denotes 
the  nearness  of  relationship  to  the  diseased.  It  is  becoming  in  a  widower 
to  wear  a  costume  of  black,  including  crape  on  the  hat,  black  necktie, 
black  gloves,  and  some  affect  even  black  shirt  studs,  with  handkercheifs 
bordered  with  black,  for  at  least  a  year. 

The  borders  to  mourning  cards  are  from  an  eight  of  an  inch  to  three- 
eights  of  an  inch  wide,  according  to  the  taste  of  the  afflicted  or  the  extent 
of  the  bereavement ;  and  for  the  same  reason  the  time  of  their  use  varies 
between  one  and  two  years. 


THE  !NEW   YEAR'S   CALL. 


"Time,  as  he  passes  us,  has  a  dove's  wing, 
Unsoiled  and  swift,  and  of  a  silken  sound." 

THE  time  was  when  the  first  day  of  the  new  year  was  devoted  by  ladies 
and  clergymen,  and  by  gentlemen  the  first  year  of  marriage,  to  a  general 
and  cordial  reception  of  gentlemen  guests.  It  was  then  a  day  when  gentle- 
men offered  congratulations  to  all  lady  friends  and  acquaintances,  however 
slightly  known,  and  even  the  employees  of  a  gentleman  paid  their  respects 
and  ate  and  drank  with  the  ladies  of  his  household.  The  pleasant  custom 
is  one  of  the  legacies  of  the  solid  Knickerbocker  families  of  New  York, 
brought  over  by  them  from  Holland.  Their  Dutch  ancestors  named  this 
day  "the  great  day  of  cake,"  cake,  wine  -and  punch  being  distributed  to  all 
visitors  with  the  most  lavish  hospitality. 

The  growth  of  the  larger  cities,  and  the  consequent  enlargement  of  social 
circles,  has,  for  many  years,  made  the  observance  of  the  day,  on  the  original 
plan,  impossible;  and  the  custom  has,  in  consequence,  fallen  somewhat  into 
disrepute.  Ladies  have  not  only  been  obliged  to  limit  entertainment  to 
their  own  particular  circles,  but,  in  some  cases,  these  were  so  large  that  it 
was  necessary  to  close  their  doors,  or  to  send  cards  of  invitation  to  gentle- 
men friends  in  such  numbers  as  would  not  exceed  the  limit  of  comfortable 
hospitality.  Others  choose  only  to  receive  their  relatives  and  intimate 
friends,  while  others  still,  unable  to  bear  the  fatigue  of  an  all-day  reception, 
send  out  invitations  naming  the  hours  when  their  gentlemen  friends 


232  THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL. 

be  welcome.  These  measures,  although  forced  by  social  necesssity,  have 
taken  from  the  day  its  original  significance,  in  the  larger  cities,  and  it  now 
differs  so  slightly  from  other  reception  days  that  its  peculiar  charm  is  lost. 
The  time-honored  custom,  therefore,  is  not  as  generally  observed  as  when 
society  was  smaller,  the  boundaries  of  the  great  cities  very  much  narrower; 
but  it  is  still  greatly  to  the  credit  of  the  politeness  and  kindliness  of  any 
gentleman  if  he  is  punctilious  in  the  observance  of  New  Year's  day  customs. 

To  assure  himself  of  a  welcome,  he  will  be  sure  to  place  on  his  visiting- 
list  only  those  who  have  received  him  graciously  in  society,  and  those  who 
interchange  civilities  with  the  ladies  of  his  own  household. 

Ladies  who  entertain  elaborately  sometimes  send  out  by  post,  enclosed  in 
a  single  envelope,  a  week  or  ten  days  in  advance,  handsomely  engraved 
cards  of  invitation,  bearing  the  name  of  the  hostess,  with  those  of  a  daughter 
or  daughters  receiving  with  her,  under  it.  There  are  also  enclosed  in  the 
same  envelope  the  simple  visiting  cards  of  ladies  who  receive  with  her.  The 
following  is  the  form : 

Mrs.  Harvey  Conwell, 

at  home 
January  1st,  from  one  until  ten  o'clock. 

No.  16  Hazel  avenue. 

If  a  lady  guest  wishes  to  invite  her  personal  friends  to  call  on  her  at  the 
house  of  the  hostess,  she  sends  them  her  own  visiting  card,  with  the  number 
of  the  residence  where  she  is  to  receive,  and  the  hours  written  neatly  in  ink, 
enclosing  also  the  visiting  card  of  her  hostess. 

A  hostess  who  sends  out  such  invitations  makes  elaborate  preparations 
accordingly.  The  gas  is  lighted  as  if  for  an  eveniug  party,  which  adds 
greatly  to  the  brilliancy  of  her  parlors.  Flowers,  too,  artistically  arranged, 
contribute  much  to  the  beauty  and  elegance  of  the  rooms.  The  mirrors  and 
mantels  are  often  festooned  with  wreaths  of  cut  flowers,  and  flowering  plants 
may  be  placed  in  niches  and  other  conspicuous  places.  Autumn  leaves  may 
also  be  made  a  prominent  feature  in  decoration,  and  very  beautiful  and  novel 
they  are,  mingled  with  fresh  flowers  and  feathery  ferns,  in  wreaths  and 
crosses,  against  filmy  lace  curtains. 

On  no  other  occasion  is  a  handsome  toilet  more  appropriate  or  conspicu- 
ous. The  ladies  are,  of  course,  in  full  evening  toilets.  A  servant  opens  and 


THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL  233 

shuts  the  door  without  waiting  for  the  bell,  and  the  table  is  spread  as  if  for 
an  ordinary  reception  or  party,  in  the  dining-room  or  back  parlor,  and  more 
or  less  elaborately  arranged  with  choice  articles  of  food,  according  to  the 
taste  and  means  of  the  lady  receiving.  Chicken  and  lobster  salads,  boned 
turkey,  oysters,  sandwiches,  cake,  jellies,  fruit,  ice-cream,  coffee,  chocolate, 
bouillon,  lemonade  and  wines,  and  punches  are  generally  provided.  The 
ladies  rise  to  receive  their  guests,  and  stand,  if  the  number  present  requires 
it.  The  hostess  offers  her  hand  to  each,  as  he  enters,  and  after  an  exchange 
of  friendly  wishes,  presents  him  to  her  lady  friends,  to  whom  he  bows,  and 
wishes  a  happy  new  year  in  some  pleasant  form.  If  the  caller  is  present  by 
the  invitation  of  a  guest  of  the  hostess,  she  makes  no  difference  in  her  greet- 
ing, but  receives  him  with  the  same  cordiality  she  extends  to  her  own  friends. 
After  a  few  pauses  of  conversation,  the  caller  is  offered  coffee  arid  refresh- 
ments by  a  servant;  or,  if  the  room  is  crowded,  or  the  table  especially  at- 
tractive, he  is  invited  to  repair  to  the  table,  perhaps  by  some  lady  who  wishes 
to  make  his  call  especially  pleasant.  Where  a  hostess  is  noted  for  her  boun- 
tiful hospitality,  or  it  is  suspected  that  considerable  display  will  be  made,  it 
is  a  necessary  compliment  to  the  hostess  to  visit  the  lunch-room,  if  only  to 
see  what  handsome  provision  has  been  made  for  weary  and  hungry  callers. 
The  following  is  a  suggestion,  in  the  way  of  a  bill  of  fare  for  a  New  Year's 
lunch,  which  may  be  a'dded  to  or  subtracted  from,  or  presented  in  its  com- 
plete form,  as  a  hostess  may  choose : 

Chicken  or  Lobster  Salad,  with  mayonnaise  sauce. 

Boned  Turkey. 

Chicken  Sandwiches,  made  very  thin. 
"Wine  jelly,  or  calf  s-foot  jelly  served  with  Charlotte  Russe. 

All  Sorts  of  Cake. 

Wines,  Claret,  Punch,  Egg-Nogg, 

Or  Chocolate  and  Coffee. 

The  lady  who  prefers  to  limit  the  number  of  her  callers,  but  proposes  a 
less  formal  and  elaborate  entertainment,  simply  writes  "  January  1st  "  on 
the  left-hand  corner  of  her  card,  and  sends  it  to  all  gentlemen  whom  she 
desires  to  see  on  New  _  Year's  day.  She  receives  in  visiting  costume  and 
light  gloves,  by  daylight,  and,  while  she  is  expected  to  provide  refreshments, 
they  need  not  be  elaborate  or  in  profusion.  She  may  or  may  not  name  the 


234  THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL. 

hours  for  receiving,  but  if  none  are  named,  gentlemen  may  call  at  any  time 
between  noon  and  ten  o'clock  in  the  evening. 

Ladies  who  send  no  invitations,  but  receive  all  who  call,  dress  in  visiting 
costume  with  light  gloves,  and  offer  refreshments  or  not,  as  suits  their  con- 
venience, to  their  welcome  but  uninvited  guests.  Every  lady  is  understood 
to  be  ready  to  receive  by  twelve  o'clock,  unless  the  basket  suspended  at  the 
door,  to  receive  the  cards  of  those  who  come  to  offer  their  friendly  wishes, 
gives  notice  that,  for  good  and  sufficient  reasons,  she  is  compelled  to  forego 
the  pleasure  of  welcoming  her  friends. 

In  smaller  cities,  society  at  its  best  is  not  a  whit  inferior  in  refinement 
and  intelligence  to  that  of  the  great  centers  of  population ;  but  a  pardonable 
laxity  in  the  observance  of  social  forms  prevails,  for  two  reasons;  the 
smaller  social  circles  make  unnecessary  many  of  the  rules  which  must  be 
observed  in  larger  circles,  and  the  necessity  of  accepting  those  who  have 
arrived  at  maturity  with  only  meager  opportunities  for  social  intercourse, 
but  who  are,  for  other  reasons,  desirable  members  of  society.  This  very 
laxity  makes  it  possible  to  preserve  the  original  significance  of  the  calling 
customs  of  New  Year's  day.  Its  general  observance  ought  to  become  a 
firmly-rooted  fashion  in  all  circles  where  the  great  number  does  not  make 
exclusiveness  a  necessity.  A  lady  of  the  slightest  pretension  to  social 
acquaintance  ought  either  to  receive,  or  to  have  a  small  basket  for  cards  at 
the  door.  If  only  two  gentlemen  enjoy  a  calling  acquaintance  with  her, 
one  of  those  two  may  call.  If  a  basket  is  at  the  door,  the  gentleman  may 
be  disappointed,  but  he  goes  away  feeling  satisfied  with  himself  and  holding 
a  respectful  opinion  of  the  lady.  If  he  seeks  admittance — which  the  absence 
of  a  basket  would  invite  him  to  do — and  the  bell  is  not  answered,  or  the  ser- 
vant admits  him  and  keeps  him  waiting  to  learn  that  the  lady  of  the  house 
is  not  receiving,  or  he  is  received  with  excuses  and  such  an  appearance  of 
things  as  to  leave  him  to  infer  that  he  is  out  of  place  and  is  bringing  more 
mortification  than  pleasure  to  his  hostess,  then  he  goes  away  disgusted  with 
himself,  and  treasuring  up  a  poor  opinion  of  the  lady's  social  tact.  It  is 
proper  to  instruct  the  servant  to  say  at  the  door  that  the  lady  is  not  receiv- 
ing ;  but  if  a  caller  is  admitted  into  the  house,  it  is  a  rudeness  not  to  receive 
the  call.  Many  ladies  of  small  acquaintance,  but  good  breeding,  hold  them- 
selves ready  to  receive  calls  if  they  come,  in  a  quiet,  informal  manner,  leav- 


THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL,  235 

ing  it  to  be  understood  from  the  general  home-like  appearance  of  things,  and 
their  dress  and  manner,  that  no  preparation  for  entertaining  guests  has  been 
made,  but  that  friends  so  thoughtful  as  to  call  are  always  welcome.  It  is  in 
good  form  for  any  lady,  under  any  circumstances,  to  leave  a  basket  for  cards 
at  the  door,  only  if  a  great  many  continued  to  do  so  from  year  to  year,  the 
gentlemen  would  be  justified  in  sending  their  cards  by  messenger.  A  lady 
who  does  not  intend  to  receive  New  Year's  calls,  may  say  to  particular 
friends  that  she  would  be  glad  to  see  them,  in  which  case  they  are  in  duty 
bound  to  send  in  their  cards. 

When  many  callers  are  expected,  it  is  pleasant  for  a  lady  to  have  assist- 
ance of  one  or  more  friends  in  extending  the  hospitalities  of  home ;  and  the 
plan  of  several  ladies  receiving  together  is  approved  by  gentlemen  who  wish 
to  pay  their  respects  to  as  many  of  their  fair  friends,  on  the  initial  day  of  the 
year,  as  human  endurance  will  permit,  and  who  find  the  very  brief  calls 
which  are  necessary  when  only  one  lady  is  present,  very  unsatisfactory.  If 
two  ladies  moving  in  the  same  circle  wish  to  receive  together,  age  or  superior 
household  conveniences  will  decide  which  is  to  be  the  hostess.  The  hostess 
will,  of  course,  seek  to  make  her  home  look  cheerful  and  attractive  to  those 
who  call,  but  very  little  need  be  done  in  the  way  of  entertainment.  Ladies 
of  large  means,  and  possessing  numerous  servants,  may  provide  as  bountiful 
lunches  as  they  choose ;  but  gentlemen,  as  a  rule,  prefer,  on  New  Year's  day, 
to  have  their  minds  better  treated  than  their  stomachs.  The  hostess  is  secretly 
blessed,  who  is  skilful  in  conveying  the  impression  that  she  feels  compli- 
mented by  the  call, — without,  of  course,  expressing  her  feeling  in  words — 
and  who  offers,  at  the  most,  only  a  cup  of  tea  or  coffee. 

In  America  no  lady  need  have  the  fear  of  appearing  inhospitable,  even  in 
the  larger  cities,  because  she  does  not  offer  wines  and  liquors  to  her  New 
Year's  guests.  Chocolate,  or  coffee,  or  tea  (which  is  seldom  used),  are 
always  received  by  American  gentlemen  with  a  feeling  of  respect  for  the 
lady  who  modestly  asserts  her  temperance  or  total  abstinence  principles. 
Indeed,  many  gentlemen  who  ordinarily  drink  wine,  refuse  it  on  this  day, 
because  they  dislike  to  accept  it  from  one  lady  and  refuse  it  from  another. 
On  the  other  hand,  many  ladies  whose  daily  tables  are  furnished  with  costly 
wines,  do  not  offer  it  on  New  Year's  day,  bec'ause  it  is  dangerous  for  guests 
to  drink  even  sparingly  of  the  various  vintages,  while  passing  in  and  out 


836  THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL. 

of  overheated  rooms ;  and  this  considerateness  is  held  in  thankful  if  silent 
regard  by  gentlemen  who  find  no  temptation  in  the  delicacies  offered 
instead,  with  chocolate,  coffee  or  tea. 

In  new  communities  many  gentlemen  hesitate  about  making  New  Year's 
calls,  from  ignorance  of  the  formalities,  and  from  a  dread  that  they  are 
something  intricate  and  formidable.  Unquestionably,  a  new  year's  call  is 
the  easiest  one  possible  to  make,  and  if  a  gentleman  has  the  least  amount  of 
native  tact,  it  is  the  most  enjoyable  in  the  social  category.  The  young  gen- 
tleman who  is  doubtful  of  his  ability  to  acquit  himself  according  to  the  most 
obvious  rules  of  sensible  etiquette,  may  seek  the  support  of  one  older  than 
himself,  or  more  accustomed  to  the  usages  of  society.  For  this,  he  would 
wisely  select  as  his  pattern,  one  of  his  friends  possessing  an  unequivocal 
reputation  for  elegance  of  manners  and  purity  of  character;  for  the  proverb 
that  a  man  is  known  by  the  company  he  keeps,  is  especially  true  on  New 
Year's  day.  A  young  gentleman  who  has  been  thus  happily  initiated  into 
the  social  rites  of  the  day  will  seldom  miss  the  opportunity  of  repeating  his 
first  experience. 

Morning  dress — a  black  cut-away  coat,  or  a  frock  coat  and  dark  vest, 
with  lighter  trowsers,  silk  tie,  either  black  or  of  some  neutral  color,  and 
gloves  of  a  medium  or  neutral  shade — is  the  proper  calling  costume  for  a 
gentleman.  Dress  coats  and  white  cravats  are  not  approved  for  New  Year's 
calls,  out  of  France.  According  to  the  best  taste,  the  New  Year's  card 
should  not  differ  from  the  ordinary  visiting  card.  It  should  be  plain,  and, 
for  an  unmarried  gentleman,  unobtrusive  in  the  style  of  the  script  and  small 
of  size,  a  good  form  being  3^x1  %  inches.  The  gentleman's  direction  may 
be  printed  upon  it,  but  nothing  else,  and  not  that  unless  the  residence  direc- 
tion (in  lower  right  hand  corner),  or  the  name  of  a  social  club  (in  left  hand 
corner),  can  be  given.  It  is  just  as  well,  too,  for  a  young  man  to  write  his 
direction  in  pencil.  It  is  not  in  good  taste  to  have  "Happy  New  Year,"  "Com- 
pliments of  the  season,'1  or  the  numerals  which  represent  the  year,  printed 
or  written  on  the  card.  If  cards  are  sent  by  post  or  messenger,  it  is  desira- 
ble to  write  in  pencil  something  to  indicate  that  it  is  a  New  Year's  card.  A 
great  many  so-called  New  Year's  cards  are  printed  with  flourishes,  artistic, 
eccentric  or  grotesque  characters  or  pictures.  Their  vulgarity  varies  in 
degree  according  to  the  design  and  "loudness"  of  the  picture.  The  New 


THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL.  237 

Year's  card  is  essentially  a  visiting  card,  and  a  form  which  would  be  out  of 
taste  for  the  one  is  obviously  improper  for  the  other. 

A  gentleman  may  introduce  a  friend  while  calling,  but  to  present  several 
is  often  unpleasant  and  embarassing  to  the  hostess.  It  is  not  in  the  best 
form  for  more  than  two  gentlemen  to  call  together,  and  then  not  unless 
there  is  some  special  reason  for  it,  such  as  warm  friendship  and  a  desire  to 
become  partners  in  ordinary  social  intercourse,  or  the  duty  of  making  the 
day  pleasant  for  a  visiting  friend  or  one  who  is  nearly  a  stranger  in  the 
place.  It  is  not  allowable  for  more  than  three  persons,  even  if  of  the  same 
family,  to  call  together.  Carriages  or  sleighs  are  not  essential  to  the  dignity 
of  the  caller,  but  may  be  to  his  ease  and  comfort.  Overshoes  or  goloshes  and 
heavy  wrappings,  like  an  ulster,  for  instance,  and  umbrellas,  are  left  in  the 
hall ;  but  hats  and  sticks  are  carried  into  the  reception-room  and  held  in  the 
hand  or  laid  upon  the  floor,  near  the  chair;  never  upon  any  article  of 
furniture. 

Some  fashionable  gentlemen  limit  their  calls  to  five  minutes,  but  this  is 
very  brief;  from  ten  to  fifteen  minutes  is  more  usual.  Circumstances  some- 
what determine  the  proper  duration.  A  half  hour  should  be  the  extreme 
limit,  fifteen  minutes  is  long  enough  under  any  circumstances,  and  if  more 
gentlemen  are  present  than  ladies,  the  first  comers  will  withdraw  immedi- 
ately, even  if  they  have  only  exchanged  salutations  with  the  ladies  present. 
This  must  be  done  so  as  not  to  interrupt  rudely  the  reception  of  new  callers. 
The  gentlemen,  will,  on  leaving,  bow  to  the  hostess,  taking  her  hand,  if  she 
offers  it,  and  give  one  bow  for  the  other  persons  in  the  room.  The  hostess 
merely  rises  if  other  callers  are  in  the  room.  A  little  common  sense,  tact, 
and  thoughtfulness  for  others  are  of  more  service  on  New  Year's  day  than 
at  any  other  time  of  the  year. 

If  a  basket  is  at  the  door,  the  caller  leaves  a  card  with  the  left  hand  edge 
turned  down  to  indicate  that  it  was  left  in  person.  If  there  are  lady  guests 
in  the  house,  he  leaves  a  card  for  each  guest ;  and  if  there  are  daughters,  as 
many  cards  as  there  are  ladies  old  enough  to  receive  visitors.  If  he  is 
admitted  he  leaves  only  one  card,  whatever  the  number  of  ladies  receiving 
with  the  hostess,  and  is  presented  first  to  the  lady  of  his  acquaintance,  if  he 
is  not  known  to  the  hostess.  If  a  gentleman  introduces  a  stranger,  the 
hostess  shows  more  attention  to  him  than  to  her  acquaintance,  out  of  ^om- 


238  THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL. 

pliment  to  the  latter.  It  is  well  understood  that  a  New  Year's  introduction 
counts  for  nothing ;  but  where  the  lady  is  pleased  with  the  stranger,  and 
asks  him  to  call  upon  her,  it  is  an  indication  that  future  acquaintance  would 
be  agreeable  to  her. 

In  large  cities  many  gentlemen  have  so  many  lady  acquaintances  that 
they  find  it  almost  impossible  to  make  the  rounds.  In  such  cases  it  is  not 
in  bad  form  to  send  cards  by  messenger,  or  by  post  the  day  before,  though 
this  has  not  the  sanction  of  best  usage,  except  to  friends  living  in  remote 
suburbs.  Some  gentlemen,  whose  circle  of  friends  is  large,  drive  from  door 
to  door  and  leave  their  cards  in  person,  without  seeking  admittance,  after 
folding  over  the  end,  to  indicate  that  they  were  left  in  person.  It  is  a  pleas- 
ant custom  for  gentlemen  to  leave  cards,  on  New  Year's  day,  on  invalid  or 
aged  gentlemen  and  clergymen  of  their  acquaintance,  as  a  token  of  kindly 
remembrance  and  respect.  This  may  be  done,  even  if  there  are  no  ladies  in 
the  house  to  whom  the  civility  of  a  call  is  owed.  Over  the  name  is  simply 
written  on  the  card  "  For  Mr.  George  H.  Lester  "  or  "  For  Rev.  Chauncy  S. 
Tuttle,"  and  it  is  left  with  the  end  turned  down  to  indicate  that  it  was  not 
entrusted  to  a  servant  or  messenger,  and  that  the  courtesy  has  cost  some 
personal  effort.  Many  gentlemen,  from  indolence  or  partial  indifference, 
also  send  cards.  This  is  just  as  well,  for  in  such  a  state  of  mind  or  body, 
they  will  neither  confer  pleasure  upon  the  ladies  who  receive  their  calls,  nor 
credit  upon  themselves.  A  gentleman  moving  in  society  would  not  plead 
any  but  the  most  urgent  business  engagement  or  sickness  as  an  excuse  for 
not  calling  on  New  Year's  day,  if  his  circle  of  acquaintance  is  not  very 
large.  Those  of  his  lady  friends  who  receive  will  expect  to  see  him,  or  it  is 
his  privilege  as  a  gentleman  to  take  it  for  granted  that  they  will ;  and  those 
of  his  acquaintances  who  do  not  receive,  will  esteem  it  an  equal  compli- 
ment to  receive  his  card. 

Gentlemen  do  not  pay  calls  the  first  year  of  their  marriage,  but  receive  at 
home  with  their  wives.  Clergymen  are  exempt  from  making  New  Year's 
calls ;  they  receive  at  home. 

Music  often  lends  a  charm  to  this  festal  day.  A  bright  song  or  piano 
solo — not  too  long  or  too  classical — makes  an  agreeable  variety.  Sometimes 
the  evening  closes  with  a  dance,  the  ladies  arriving  after  the  calling  hours 
are  over. 


THE  NEW  YEAR'S  CALL.  239 

Ladies  of  large  acquaintance  sometimes  hold  themselves  in  readiness  to 
receive  New  Year's  calls  after  11  A.  M.  Gentlemen  do  not  call  before  twelve 
o'clock,  if  they  can  make  the  rounds  without ;  but  when  necessary,  they 
choose  intimate  friends  for  their  first  calls,  or  families  with  whom  they  are 
on  a  perfect  social  equality.  In  like  manner  they  call  between  the  hours  of 
two  and  five  at  houses  where,  for  any  reason,  more  formality  is  becoming, 
as,  for  instance,  on  ladies  who  lead  in  society,  or  who  are  mere  formal 
acquaintances.  Also  at  houses  where  there  are  guests  who  are  comparatively 
strangers,  it  is  better  not  to  call  before  half-past  twelve  or  one  o'clock,  when 
the  presence  of  the  guests  is  known.  Gentlemen  may  call  till  ten  in  the 
evening,  and  ladies  with  daughters  or  guests  receiving  with  them,  frequently 
ask  a  few  gentlemen  to  call  late  in  the  evening  for  an  hour  of  unrestrained 
sociability  to  fittingly  close  the  eventful  day. 

The  old  lavishness  in  table  appointments  for  New  Year's  day  is  going 
more  and  more  out  of  fashion  every  year.  Delicacies  which  are  attractive 
to  the  eye  are  in  higher  favor  than  substantial  food,  of  which  it  is  impossible 
for  callers  to  partake,  as  they  make  flying  visits  of  a  few  minutes  each  at 
most.  For  the  sake  of  the  significance  of  the  proffered  and  accepted 
hospitality,  the  gentleman  prefers  to  partake  lightly,  when  it  is  possible  for 
him  to  linger  for  refreshments,  and  he  may  do  so  frequently  if  only  trifles 
are  offered.  The  practice  of  eating,  and  drinking  wine  at  every  house,  is 
gross  and  barbarous,  and  the  stomach  of  man  rebels  against  it,  even  if  his 
good  taste  does  not.  So  far  has  this  new  departure  gone  in  some  cities,  that 
many  ladies  who  give  very  elaborate  receptions,  in  drawing-rooms  richly 
and  beautifully  decorated,  receive  hundreds  of  callers  without  offering 
refreshments ;  and  many  of  the  most  fashionable,  who  retain  the  refresh- 
ment table,  offer  no  wine.  Even  when  offered,  it  is  found  to  be  a  growing 
fashion  among  gentlemen  to  decline  it  in  favor  of  milder  beverages. 

The  question  of  the  propriety  of  publishing  lists  of  ladies  receiving  on 
New  Year's  day,  in  the  daily  papers,  has  been  much  discussed ;  but  in  many 
cities  the  custom  has  the  sanction  of  the  best  society.  There  is  no  question 
as  to  its  convenience  to  calling  gentlemen,  if  the  lists  are  carefully  made 
up,  and  the  local  customs  settles  the  question  of  its  propriety 

When  the  custom  has  become  firmly  established  on  a  footing  of 
unquestionable  respectability,  as  is  the  case  in  many  of  the  smaller  cities, 


#0  THE  NEW  YE  AX'S  CALL. 

particularly  in  the  West,  ladies  who  keep  open  house  send  in  their  names 
and  addresses  to  the  editors  of  local  papers,  giving  with  the  name  of  the 
hostess  the  names  of  all  ladies  who  receive  with  her.  The  list  thus  made  up 
and  published  is  a  perfect  guide  for  those  gentlemen  who  are  polite  enough 
to  observe  the  day,  and  who,  however  well  they  may  be  aware  of  the  where- 
abouts of  intimate  friends,  are  quite  likely  to  be  somewhat  in  the  dark 
regarding  those  more  remote  acquaintances,  upon  whom  it  is  one  of  the 
privileges  and  pleasures  of  the  day  to  call. 

It  was  an  old  custom  for  ladies  to  call  on  gentlemen  on  the  day  after  New 
Year's.  That  practice  is  obsolete;  but  "  ladies'-day  "  is  still  an  institution, 
— many  ladies  taking  it  as  a  general  calling  day,  on  which  to  pay  off  old 
visiting  scores,  and  ladies  generally  making  it  a  point  to  call  upon  or  leave 
cards  with  all  of  their  acquaintance,  sometimes  during  the  first  week  of  the 
new  year. 


WASHINGTON    ETIQUETTE. 


"My  soul  aches 

To  know,  when  two  authorities  are  up, 
Neither  supreme,  how  soon  confusion 
May  enter  'twixt  the  gap  of  both,  and  take 
The  one  by  the  other." 

OFFICIAL,  life  in  Washington  makes  its  etiquette  peculiar,  and  knowledge  of 
the  code  that  is  recognized  in  good  society  elsewhere,  cannot  insure  the 
stranger,  who  wishes  to  be  decorous  in  his  behavior,  from  tripping  upon 
some  one  of  the  local  rules  that  have  obtained  recognition.  Men  have 
precedence  by  virtue  of  the  offices  they  hold,  and  with  the  dignity  of  which 
they  are  invested ;  women  have  social  precedence  by  virtue  of  the  official 
title  of  their  husbands. 

In  a  Republic,  all  men  are  equal ;  but  however  modest  men  may  be  with 
regard  to  matters  purely  personal  to  themselves,  they  are  in  duty  bound  to 
maintain  the  dignity  of  the  office  to  which  the  people  have  called  them, 
and  to  see  that  not  one  jot  of  recognized  priority  or  privilege  is  waived. 
Nor  are  the  most  ardent  sticklers  for  equality  slow  to  recognize  the 
distinction  between  the  man  and  the  official,  and  few  are  unwilling  to  render 
to  the  office  the  honor  which  the  bitterness  of  party  rancor  would  lead  them 
to  deny  to  the  man.  Our  staunch  republicanism  might  acknowledge  with 
reluctance  that  the  President  and  his  wife  are  "  the  first  gentleman  and  lady 
of  the  land;"  but  to  accord  socially  to  both  that  deference  and  respect  which 
the  Constitution  gives  to  the  Executive  in  the  exercise  of  his  high  duties  is 
no  sacrifice  of  social  independence.  Indeed,  is  not  some  small  share  of 
dignity  reflected  back  upon  each  of  the  dear  people  who  pays  his  tribute  of 


fe£2  WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE. 

inspect  to  the  chief  magistrate  he  himself  has  helped  to  choose,  in  theory  at 
least,  by  his  all-powerful  ballot  ? 

Society  in  Washington  takes  its  tone  from  official  life,  and  is  made  up 
almost  wholly  of  official  personages,  who  represent  in  some  way  the  govern- 
ment, and  have  a  dignity  to  sustain  which  belongs  to  the  office  they  hold 
and  not  to  themselves  in  person.  For  this  reason,  social  rules  are  complex, 
and  ladies  who  lead  in  society  have  vexatious  contests  over  disputed  points 
of  etiquette,  as  grevious  as  those  which  agitate  the  powerful  brains  of  the 
men  who  fill  the  halls  of  Congress  with  their  eloquence ;  and  not  seldom 
have  the  grave  affairs  of  state  become  complicated  with  the  apparently 
trifling  social  differences  which  have  stirred  to  their  depths  the  souls  of  the 
first  ladies  of  the  nation.  Entanglements  have  resulted,  and  animosities 
been  engendered,  by  sins  of  omission  or  of  commission,  which  have  grown 
into  feuds  affecting  the  government  itself.  Many  of  them  have  arisen  from 
requirements  exacted  by  some,  and  not  understood  as  binding  rules  by 
others.  No  fixed  social  rules  have  been  adopted  or  observed,  and  the  con- 
fusion in  society,  resulting  from  the  influx  of  people  from  every  corner  of 
the  land,  knowing  only  the  customs  of  society  as  they  prevail  in  their  own 
localities,  or  perhaps  unfamiliar  with  anything,  that  deserves  the  name  of 
society,  is  exceedingly  perplexing  to  strangers.  Many  of  these,  appreciating 
the  value  of  fixed  rules  in  promoting  harmony  in  society,  would  be  glad  to 
find  and  adept  any  clearly  defined  code,  and  the  influence  of  these  upon  the 
untamed  natures  who  affect  to  despise  social  lawrs,  and  hold  themselves  su- 
perior to  them,  would  be  powerful  in  bringing  them  to  a  knowledge  of  the 
error  of  their  ways. 

The  history  of  etiquette  in  Washington  is  brief.  George  Washington  and 
his  stately  wife  enforced  a  rigid  observance  of  social  etiquette,  from  every 
department  of  the  government,  and  the  Presidents,  down  to  General  Jackson, 
maintained  the  dignity  of  the  high  office  more  or  less  strictly.  Jackson,  with 
his  imperious  nature,  and  contempt  for  all  law  which  did  not  for  the  time 
suit  his  purposes  or  fit  his  plans,  broke  down  all  barriers,  and  received  any- 
body and  everybody  without  rule,  and  inaugurated  a  series  of  receptions 
where  disorder  and  rudeness  were  allowed,  which  no  gentleman  would  have 
tolerated  in  his  own  house.  Since  then  no  fixed  social  code  has  been  gen- 
.  erally  recognized  at  Washington.  The  rules  observed  by  the  best  and  most 


WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE.  243 

cultured  society  are  laid  down  by  Mrs.  Admiral  Dahlgren,  in  her  little  book, 
"  Etiquette  of  Social  Life  in  Washington,"  which  is  regarded  and  quoted  as 
high  authority,  and  has  had  great  influence  in  settling  disputed  points  and 
vexatious  differences,  and  the  convenience  of  fixed  rules,  which  are  of 
immense  importance  to  those  who  have  not  been  schooled  in  society,  will  no 
doubt  lead  to  the  adoption  of  Mrs.  Dahlgren  as  authority,  with  such  modifi- 
cations as  time  and  the  inevitable  changes  in  social  life  suggest  as  expedient 
or  necessary. 

To  quote  from  Mrs.  Dahlgren's  "Etiquette  of  Social  Life  in  Washington :" 
"  We  do  not  object  to  that  hybrid  term  '  Republican  Court,'  of  which  we  so 
often  hear.  It  is  senseless  and  an  anomaly ;  or,  if  it  have  a  meaning,  it  is 
still  more  to  be  deprecated,  as  incompatible  with  the  spirit  of  the  framers  of 
our  excellent  constitution.  We  have  no  'Court  Circles,'  nor  do  we  expect 
to  remain  a  republic  and  at  the  same  time  ape  '  Court '  manners.  We  have 
a  social  as  well  as  a  political  autonomy.  Let  us  preserve  these  with  an 
equally  jealous  care  and  dignity.  Our  official  etiquette  is  not  intended  as  a 
personal  compliment,  but  addresses  itself  to  the  office  borne,  so  that  it 
remains  strictly  in  harmony  with  our  republican  sentiments.  When  the 
incumbent  loses  office,  he  becomes  again  simply  a  private  citizen,  whom  the 
Republic  has  honored.  This  is  such  a  very  beautiful  provision  of  our  legal 
constitution,  that  we  should  never  lose  sight  of  its  bearing  on  social  life  and 
manners.  It  is  the  counteracting  and  saving  element,  as  opposed  to  all 
heriditary  distinction,  and  holds  each  man  and  woman  intact  in  the  exercise 
of  their  talent,  by  which  he  or  she  may  regulate  the  individual  destiny. 
The  very  words  '  Republican  Court,'  have  a  fatal  sound  of  Csesarism;  and, 
as  we  have  already  remarked,  words  become  facts — they  are  the  expression 
of  the  soul's  aspirations.  We  should  prove  to  the  world  that  republican 
manners  are  the  very  acme  of  true  elegance  in  their  unaffected  simplicity." 

The  President,  as  chief  executive,  is  entitled  to  precedence,  whenever 
and  wherever  he  appears  in  social  life.  It  is  his  privilege  to  receive  all  calls, 
without  the  necessity  of  returning  any.  In  conversation  he  is  addressed  as 
"  Mr.  President;"  sometimes  as  "Your  Excellency."  No  special  formali- 
ties are  necessary  to  make  his  acquaintance.  The  morning  hours  are  some- 
times given  up  to  receiving  calls.  The  caller  at  the  White  House  is  shown 
up  stairs  to  the  room  occupied  by  the  secretaries  of  the  President,  where  he 


244  WA  SHINOTON  ETIQ  UETTE. 

presents  his  card,  and,  if  calling  merely  to  pay  his  respects,  he  waits  his 
turn  to  be  admitted,  when  he  is  presented  to  the  President,  says  a  few  words, 
and  takes  his  departure  to  make  room  for  others.  Of  course,  those  who 
have  business  with  the  President  are  rightfully  given  the  precedence  over 
ladies  and  gentlemen  who  merely  call  out  of  curiosity,  or  simply  to  pay 
their  respects,  and,  as  the  time  of  the  President  is  fully  occupied,  those  who 
wish  to  make  private  calls,  will  find  it  to  their  advantage  to  secure  the 
company  of  some  influential  friend  or  official,  to  make  disappointment  less 
probable. 

During  sessions  of  Congress,  stated  receptions  are  given  at  the  White 
House,  which  all  are  at  liberty  to  attend.  As  the  caller  enters  the  recep- 
tion-room and  approaches  the  President,  he  gives  his  name  to  an  usher, 
and  is  announced,  after  which  he  is  introduced  by  the  Marshal  of  the  Dis- 
trict (or  some  official  to  whom  the  duty  has  been  assigned)  to  the  President, 
and  afterwards  to  other  members  of  the  family  who  receive  with  him.  The 
caller  then  passes  on,  chats  with  friends,  views  the  various  rooms,  or 
watches  the  panorama  of  faces,  until  ready  to  quietly  depart.  If  he  is  pre- 
cise, as  he  makes  his  exit  he  will  leave  his  card.  If  the  reception  is  held  in 
the  morning,  the  morning  costume  is  proper  for  both  ladies  and  gentlemen, 
and  society  people  never  appear  at  an  evening  reception  except  in  full  toi- 
lette, deeming  it  a  mark  of  respect  due  to  the  President  to  dress  with  at 
least  as  much  care  as  would  be  taken  if  the  reception  were  given  by  a  friend. 
Ladies  who  are  fastidious  do  not  wear  a  bonnet  in  making  even  an  evening 
call  at  the  White  House,  and  often  appear  in  full  evening  dress,  and  ladies 
seldom  make  an  evening  call  without  at  least  a  demi-toilet. 

At  state  dinners,  given  by  the  President,  the  same  rules  of  etiquette  pre- 
vail as  at  any  formal  dinner,  due  regard  being  had  to  the  order  of  official 
precedence,  which  will  be  explained  hereafter.  It  is  not  permitted  to  de- 
cline an  invitation  to  a  dinner,  or  to  any  social  entertainment,  extended  by 
the  President,  except  for  illness,  or  the  illness  or  death  of  some  near  relative. 
Any  invitation  from  the  President  is  regarded,  by  courtesy,  as  having  the 
weight  of  a  command,  and  it  is  allowable  to  break  any  previous  engage- 
ments which  conflicts  with  its  acceptance,  even  if  it  is  an  engagement  to 
dinner.  In  revoking  the  previous  acceptance  of  an  invitation,  however,  care 
must  be  taken  to  explain  the  nature  of  the  invitation  which  compels  to  what 


WA SHINOTON  ETIQ  UETTE.  245 

would  otherwise  be  a  flagrant  act  of  discourtesy.  In  case  you  are  compelled 
by  one  of  the  reasons  above  assigned  to  decline  the  President's  invitation  to 
dinner,  the  note  of  regret  must  state  the  cause,  so  that  it  may  be  clear  that 
your  reason  is  a  grave  one.  This  rule  in  regard  to  regrets  hqlds  good  in 
Washington  society,  at  least  in  all  cases  where  the  invitation  is  one  which  it 
is  desired  to  treat  with  especial  consideration. 

If  the  President  has  a  wife,  she  also  is  privileged  to  receive  calls  without 
returning  any.  She  may,  in  special  cases,  visit  those  to  whom  she  desires 
to  pay  kind  attentions,  but  experience  has  shown  that  it  is  safer  not  to  make 
distinctions.  Other  members  of  the  President's  family  return  visits  and 
acknowledge  social  courtesies. 

The  ladies  of  cabinet  officers  usually  hold  receptions  every  Wednesday 
during  the  season  (which  for  receptions  lasts  from  January  first  to  Lent) , 
from  two  or  three  o'clock  until  half-past  five.  On  these  occasions,  the  houses 
are  open  to  all  comers,  and  refreshments  are  served.  Attendance  at  these 
Wednesday  receptions  are  acknowledged  by  a  call  from  the  ladies  of  the 
family  (who  leave  also  the  card  of  the  cabinet  officer),  and  an  invitation  to 
an  evening  reception.  Among  the  duties  of  the  cabinet  officers  is  that  of 
entertaining  Senators,  Representatives,  Justices  of  the  Supreme  Court,  mem- 
bers of  the  diplomatic  corps,  and  distinguished  people  who  gather  at  the 
capital.  Ladies  of  the  families  of  these  officials  are  included  in  the  invita- 
tions. The  season  for  dinners  lasts  during  the  session  of  Congress.  All 
other  officials,  except  the  President  and  cabinet,  entertain  or  not,  as  they 
choose.  Their  official  position  imposes  no  particular  social  obligations, 
and  circumstances,  health,  and  all  the  reasons  and  motives  that  influence 
men  and  women  in  private  life  to  entertain  or  not  to  entertain,  are  taken 
into  consideration  in  Washington  life,  and  the  question  is  decided  accord- 
ingly. The  visiting  hours  in  Washington  are  from  two  until  half-past  five. 
As  is  true  in  many  other  cities,  many  of  the  very  fashionable  ladies  prefer 
to  walk  in  making  calls  in  fine  weather,  and  many  of  the  richest  visiting 
costumes  are  made  up  as  short  suits. 

It  has  long  been  a  custom  for  ladies  who  attend  the  New  Year's  reception 
at  the  White  House,  to  reserve  the  first  wear  of  their  most  elegant  toilettes, 
suited  to  a  morning  assemblage,  as  that  occasion  is  the  most  ceremonious 
known  to  frhe  executive  mansion.  On  this  occasion  the  members  of  foreign 


246  WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE. 

legations  wear  the  court  dresses  of  their  respective  countries,  when  they  pay 
their  respects  to  our  President,  the  only  occasion  when  they  are  worn  in  this 
country,  except  at  inaugurations,  the  celebration  of  a  monarch's  wedding- 
fete,  or  at  funeral  services  held  in  honor  of  a  king.  The  wives  of  foreign 
ministers  wear  visiting  suits  and  hats,  at  the  New  Year's  reception,  while 
the  ladies  of  the  cabinet  officers'  families,  who  are  in  a  sense  members  of  the 
President's  family,  wear  reception  toilets,  without  bonnets.  The  handsom- 
est uniforms  worn  at  these  receptions  are  usually  thos.e  of  the  Russian, 
British,  Swedish  and  Austrian  ministers,  mos,t  of  whom  carry  three-cor- 
nered hats,  with,  perhaps,  long,  white  ostrich  plumes. 

Next  in  rank  to  the  President  is  the  Chief  Justice,  who  presides  over  the 
court  of  final  appeal,  and  at  times  may  control  even  the  Executive  himself. 
Besides,  he  holds  his  exalted  place,  which  was  intended  by  the  constitution 
to  be  equal  to  the  highest  in  dignity,  for  life.  The  Chief  Justice  is  addressed 
as  "  Mr.  Chief  Justice,"  and  a  Justice  of  the  Supreme  Court  as  "  Mr.  Justice." 
The  immutability  which  belongs  to  these  offices,  placing  them  above  the 
fluctuations  of  politics,  makes  it  seem  proper  to  accord  them  precedence  over 
cabinet  ministers  and  senators,  though  this  precedence  has  not  been  univer- 
sally conceded.  After  the  President  comes  the  Vice  President  and  Chief 
Justice,  then  the  Speaker  of  the  House,  who  is  a  possible  successor  to  the 
Presidency,  and,  like  the  Vice  President,  owes  his  social  rank  to  that  possi- 
bility, though,  as  a  political  power,  he  usually  far  outranks  the  Vice  Presi- 
dent. All  these  receive  the  first  visit  from  all  others.  Next  to  these  come 
the  General  of  the  Army  and  the  Admiral  of  the  Navy,  in  the  order  named, 
that  being  the  order  in  which  these  branches  of  the  service  are  created. 
Members  of  the  House  of  Representatives  call  first  on  all  of  the  officials 
named,  and  the  wife  of  any  official  is  understood  to  take  the  rank  of  her 
husband,  and  to  be  entitled  to  social  precedence  accordingly.  Among  officers 
of  the  army  and  navy,  rank  is  clearly  defined,  and  the  relative  rank  of  army 
and  navy  titles  is  also  clearly  understood,  the  Lieutenant-General  corres- 
ponding to  the  Vice- Admiral,  the  Major-General  to  Rear- Admiral,  the  Brig- 
adier-General to  Commodore,  the  Colonel  of  the  Army  to  the  Captain  of  the 
Navy,  and  so  on  down  through  the  lower  grades.  In  the  discussion  of  the 
relative  claims  to  precedence,  which  may  be  offered  for  the  various  other 


WA SHINGTON  ETIQ  UETTE.  247 

important  officials  in  Washington,  we  quote  from  Mrs.  Dahlgren's  admir- 
able book,  above  referred  to : 

"We  have  now  to  consider  the  cabinet — and  here  we  must  remark,  that 
so  much  confusion  at  once  appears,  as  really  to  make  the  whole  subject  a  dis- 
couraging one.  As  to  the  Cabinet,  relatively  to  each  other,  the  order  ob- 
served is  that  priority  in  which  these  offices  were  created — thus :  The  State, 
the  Treasury,  the  War,  the  Navy,  the  General  Post-Office,  the  Interior,  and 
the  Department  of  Justice.  The  Chiefs  of  these  Departments  form  the  Ex- 
ecutive Council  of  the  administration,  but  at  the  same  time  they  are  the 
actual  heads  of  Departments  of  State.  These  functionaries  alike  expect  to 
receive  calls,  and  alike  claim  the  same  privileges,  and  it  is  only  upon  State 
occasions,  such  as  official  receptions,  or  formal  State  dinners,  or  other  State 
ceremonials,  that  their  order  need  be  specially  defined.  Yet  these  situations 
are  of  not  unfrequent  occurrence,  and  no  embarrassment  should  arise  when 
they  do  present  themselves 

"  It  has  been  a  contested  point  as  to  who  should  pay  the  first  visit  upon 
each  other — the  cabinet  officer  or  the  Senator — but  there  would  seem  to  be  a 
growing  tendency  to  yield  to  the  senatorial  claim.  This  claim  is  based  on 
the  argument  that  the  Senator  represents  State  sovereignty,  and  that  the 
dignity  is,  consequently,  superior  to  that  of  the  cabinet  officer,  whose  nomi- 
nation the  Senate  confirms  by  its  vote,  and  who  is  appointed  constitutional 
aid  and  adviser  to  the  President.  Yet,  the  cabinet  officer  is  something  more 
than  this ;  for,  presiding  over  an  entire  department  of  government,  he  pos- 
sesses both  power  and  dignity  of  function.  As  to  his  confirmation  being 
subject  to  the  vote  of  the  Senate,  the  senator,  in  turn,  is  subject  to  the  State 
legislature  for  his  appointment,  and  this  line  of  reasoning  would  place  a 
State  senator  above  a  United  States  senator,  and  the  great  unwashed  above, 
the  State  senator.  Evidently,  we  cannot  go  back  to  first  principles  too 
closely  in  a  republic,  in  order  to  regulate  our  ceremonial. 

"  To  our  apprehension,  leaving  grave  cabinet  ministers  and  senators  to  ar- 
range questions  of  relative  social  importance — or  rather,  their  wives  to  do  this 
for  them,  for  it  is  women  who  are  social  agitators  in  a  republic — we  really 
think  that  senators'  wives  might  safely  yield  this  point  to  the  cabinet,  when 
all  the  circumstances  are  considered;  or,  if  this  cannot  be  affected,  at  least 


248  WA SHINOTON  ETIQ  UETTE. 

let  a  compromise  be  made,  that  certain  privileges  are  to  be  accorded  by  cour- 
tesy, still  to  be  held  in  reserve  as  a  right. 

"  The  ladies  of  the  cabinet  have  literally  the  public  at  their  doors,  and  no 
one  woman  can  possibly  have  health,  strength  and  endurance  to  enable  her 
to  meet  the  heavy  burden  imposed.  These  ladies  are  few  in  number — their 
residence  here  is  fixed,  central  and  well  known;  while  the  families  of  sena- 
tors often  come  here  for  a  short  period  of  time  only,  and  unless  they  call  in 
person  or  send  their  card  giving  their  address,  the  utmost  vigilance  may  not 
detect  their  momentary  presence.  It  is  true  that  many  senators  have  per- 
manent residences  here  also,  and  even  live  in  a  superior  style  to  cabinet 
officers,  yet  we  now  speak  of  the  general  rule.  The  rapidly  increasing  size 
of  our  society  really  demands  that  there  should  be  some  exemption  allowed 
by  custom  to  the  higher  officers  of  the  executive,  with  regard  to  the  personal 
notice  of  visits.  If  it  were  once  understood  that  to  return  a  call  by  a  card 
sent,  and  afterward  acknowledge  the  visits  received  (in  all  cases  where  the 
person  who  calls  has  any  social  claims  that  are  recognized  in  general  society 
by  cards  of  invitation  to  receptions),  these  ladies  would  then  be  allowed 
some  respite.  To  return  a  thousand  visits  in  person  is  a  hardship  none  can 
realize  except  those  who  have  attempted  the  task.  And,  moreover,  it 
becomes  an  utterly  senseless  formality.  Why  are  these  calls  made  by  society 
in  general  ?  They  are  made  as  a  mark  of  respect  for  the  elevated  station, 
and  also  in  order  to  participate  in  the  receptions  which  these  functionaries 
give  from  time  to  time.  These  objects  could  be  better  met  if  it  were  permis~ 
'sible  to  send  cards  in  recognition  of  visits,  and  if  where  personal  visits  were 
made  the  exceptions  simply  included  the  Supreme  Court,  the  United  States 
Senate,  the  diplomatic  body  and  the  General  and  the  Admiral,  while  outside 
of  these  functionaries  an  exception  was  allowed;  and,  if  this  rule  were  once 
established,  no  invidious  comments  could  be  made.  That  which  renders  it 
so  very  disagreeable  now  to  receive  a  card  in  place  of  a  personal  visit,  is  the 
knowledge  that  your  call  is  not  treated  with  the  same  respect  that  is  paid  to 
that  of  others ;  but  a  general  rule  could  not  produce  ill  feeling.  We  see  this 
notably  in  the  case  of  the  President  and  his  wife.  No  one  feels  aggrieved 
because  his  or  her  visit  is  in  no  manner  returned  by  these  personages. 

"  Again,  the  card  receptions  that  cabinet  ministers  find  it  incumbent  to 
give,  are  of  necessity  so  large  that  they  are  unpleasantly  crowded  for  both 


WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE.  249 

host  and  guest.  Why  not  select  some  suitable  public  hall  for  these  receptions 
and  let  each  cabinet  minister  hold  therein  one,  two  or  more  card  receptions 
during  what  is  called  '  the  season.'  We  know  of  no  social  experience  so 
disagreeable  as  to  make  one  of  a  dense  mass  of  human  beings,  literally 
packed  into  rooms  of  ordinary  dimensions.  It  forms  no  compensation  that 
it  is  the  '  polite  world  '  that  suffocates  you !  Let  any  one,  philosophically 
or  cynically  disposed,  gain,  if  he  can,  a  few  inches  of  space  in  a  corner,  and 
become  a  spectator  of  such  scenes  as  occur  every  winter  at  our  crowded 
receptions ;  and  the  sheer  absurdity  of  calling  this  aggregation  social  life, 
becomes  at  once  apparent.  It  is  rather  to  be  wondered  at  that  dreadful  acci- 
dents have  not  before  now  recalled  society  to  its  senses  in  this  matter.  We 
have  entered  many  a  hospitable  door,  and,  looking  upward,  beheld  such  a 
surging  mass  of  human  beings  on  the  stairway  that,  dismayed  at  the  idea 
of  wedging  ourselves  into  this  fearful  crowd,  we  have  sent  our  wraps  back 
into  the  carriage  from  the  door,  rather  than  attempt  to  gain  the  dressing- 
room  ;  and  only  venturing  far  enough  to  pay  our  respects  to  the  beleagured 
host  and  hostess,  have  made  a  speedy  exit — society,  conversation,  beauty  of 
effect,  were  all  lost,  all  rendered  impossible  through  want  of  space. 

"And  this  evil  will  go  on  increasing  unless  some  changes  are  effected. 
The  same  controversy,  as  to  the  first  visit,  which  implies  precedence,  has 
always  existed  as  regards  the  diplomatic  body,  who  represent  other  coun- 
tries near  our  own.  We  have  known  some  ladies  of  the  senate  who  have 
refrained  from  making  the  first  visit  upon  the  wives  of  foreign  ministers, 
assigning  the  same  reason,  that  the  senators  represented  a  state  sovereignty, 
while  the  minister  was  only  an  accredited  functionary  from  a  foreign  power 

it  being  held  that  the  ambassador  or  envoy  alone  properly  represented  the 

sovereignty  of  the  state,  and  this  rank  is  not  often  sent  to  us.  Yet  the  min- 
ister plenipotentiary  and  envoy  extraordinary  certainly  has  a  special  mission, 
and  may  be  said  to  represent  state  sovereignty,  if  not  the  person  of  the  sov- 
ereign. This,  of  course,  involves  the  question  of  relative  dignity,  and  this 
in  turn  involves  a  veritable  treatise  on  international  law,  and  places  the 
whole  subject  beyond  the  patience  of  our  feminine  disputants.  We  would 
make  the  womanly  appeal  in  behalf  of  the  foreigner,  of  courtesy  to  the  stran- 
ger. Based  upon  this  sentiment,  which  should  dominate  us  in  their  case, 
we  would  grant  a  foreign  minister  precedence,  wherever  it  can  at  jail  be 


250  WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE. 

given.  This  precedence  relatively  to  each  other,  rank  being  equal,  is  accorded 
to  priority  of  residence  among  us.  The  dean  or  doyen  enters  upon  his  func- 
tions in  virtue  of  length  of  stay  near  our  government.  Yet  we  have  wit- 
nessed very  grave  offense  given  at  a  dinner  table,  where  the  host  led  in  the 
wife  of  a  foreign  minister,  the  fair  belligerant  being  the  wife  of  a  senator  who 
claimed  the  honor  as  her  due. 

"Now,  since  it  is  to  be  presumed  that  the  special  objept  of  every  enter- 
tainment is  to  promote  good-will,  and  not  to  foster  ill-will,  it  is  to  be 
regretted  that  no  definite  rule  as  regards  social  official  classification  prevails. 
A  carefully  adjusted  ceremonial  would  be  no  more  incompatible  with 
republican  institutions  than  the  legal  classification  which  now  exists,  and 
which  must  continue  to  endure.  These  have  a  fixedness  coexistent  with  the 
republic,  and  our  social  life  is  their  complement.  Let  us  not  undervalue  its 
importance.  Daniel  Webster  called  a  well  appointed  dinner  'the  climax  of 
civilization.'  We  ought  to  be  able  to  reach  this  climax  smoothly. 

"  The  length  of  time  preceding  the  dinner  invitation,  marks  the  degree  of 
formality  which  it  is  expected  will  characterize  the  arrangements.  A  card 
of  invitation  sent  ten  days  in  advance,  informs  us  of  a  state  dinner.  Eight 
days  of  notification  is  the  usual  time ;  after  that,  even  four  or  five  days  may 
be  allowed,  as  simply  inviting  to  a  social  dinner,  or  even  two  or  three  days, 
if  len  petit  comite.'  We  once  had  the  honor  to  be  '  one  of  seven '  at  such  a 
dinner,  where  Seward,  Stanton  and  a  foreign  celebrity  were  entertained  by 
a  diplomat — the  short  stay  in  the  city  of  the  guest  of  the  occasion,  whom 
we  were  invited  to  meet,  being  the  reason  mentioned  for  the  hurried  sum- 
mons. But  the  informal  dinner  is  rather  the  privilege  of  private  life,  and 
we  are  now  considering  the  official  etiquette  of  Washington,  where  state 
functionaries  are  expected  to  invite  eight  days  in  advance.  To  allow  so 
much  time  is  certainly  the  highest  compliment,  since  it  more  surely  secures 
the  original  number  selected.  The  time  designated  having  arrived, 
punctuality  is  imperative.  Dinner  rules  do  not  allow  over  fifteen,  or  at  the 
most  twenty  minutes  of  delay,  in  order  to  await  the  arrival  of  any  guest,  no 
matter  how  exalted  his  functions  in  the  state  may  be.  Courtesy  to  those 
present  requires  that  you  give  the  company  assembled  their  dinner  before  it 
spoils  or  grows  cold.  So  pray  arrive,  if  you  can,  at  the  precise  moment  at 
which  you  are  invited.  If  you  reach  the  house  the  first  guest  at  a  dinner,  in 


WA  SITING  TON  ETIQ  UE  TTE.  251 

place  of  waiting  until  some  one  else  shall  appear,  rather  pride  yourself  upon 
your  superior  good  breeding  for  the  nonce,  and  enter  at  once.  Ladies  attend 
formal  dinners  'en  grande  toilette,'  and  gentlemen  in  the  corresponding  and 
conventional  dress  suit  of  black,  with  white  'choker' — only,  messieurs,  do 
not  wear  white  gloves ;  take  lavender  or  any  delicate  tint  in  preference.  At 
times,  officers  of  the  army  or  navy  prefer  to  show  their  respect  by  appearing 
in  uniform ;  and  we  love  this  dress  so  well — it  appeals  so  gratefully  to  our 
patriotism — that  we  are  always  glad  to  see  it.  Yet  senior  officers  especially, 
having  been  'in  harness,'  as  these  old  'war-horses'  call  it,  all  their  lives,  are 
not  sorry  to  get  rid  of  the  constraint,  and  wear  the  dress  suit  of  black  also. 
However,  if  the  occasion  is  one  of  state,  this  will  scarcely  be  permitted. 
Gloves  must  be  worn  upon  entrance  to  the  drawing-room,  but  must  always 
be  taken  off  at  the  moment  one  is  seated  at  the  table.  A  recent  innovation, 
which,  if  the  fashionable  world  could  suspect  was  an  economy,  would  prob- 
ably be  at  once  scouted — but  which  we  like,  any  way,  permits  that  the 
gloves  shall  not  be  replaced  at  all,  after  their  removal  at  the  table.  This, 
however,  may  be  only  one  of  those  flitting  fashions,  worn  like  the  glove  for 
the  moment  and  then  cast  aside.  Yet,  do  not  forget  that  during  the  serving 
of  a  dinner,  the  waiters  in  attendance  alone  wear  gloves !  And  even  the 
waiter  serves  with  greater  elegance  with  the  thumb  of  the  hand  wrapped  in 
a  damask  napkin.  Previous  to  the  announcement  that  'dinner  is  served,' 
the  host  informs  each  gentleman  which  lady  he  is  expected  to  lead  in  to 
dinner,  and  introduces  them  to  each  other,  in  case  they  happen  not  to  be 
acquainted.  Indeed,  we  think  at  a  dinner  of  moderate  size,  the  convives 
should  all  know  each  other,  and  should  be  introduced,  if  need  be,  by  the 
host.  Dinner  announced,  the  host  offers  his  left  arm  to  the  lady  who  has 
the  highest  official  position  present,  and  the  hostess  leaves  the  drawing- 
room  last,  led  in  by  the  gentleman  of  the  first  official  distinction  present. 
We  once  knew  of  a  lawless  old  diplomat,  who  would  lead  in  with  the  pretti- 
est young  girl  of  the  company,  at  his  own  splendid  dinners;  but  his  demor- 
alizing course  met  that  grave  reprobation  it  deserved  from  all  virtuous 
matrons!  As  a  just  punishment  for  such  discreditable  conduct,  he  fell  a 
victim  finally  to  an  innocent  and  confiding  young  creature,  left  the  country, 
and  took  his  American  bride  to  his  foreign  home,  where  he  lives,  doubtless, 
a  reformed  man,  if  indeed  he  still  survives! 


252  WA  SHINQ  TON  E  TIQ  UE  TTE. 

"Thus  our  polite  host  and  hostess  take  the  central  seats,  opposite  to  each 
other,  being  supported  on  either  side  by  their  most  distinguished  guests.  The 
reason  the  extreme  ends  of  a  table  should  be  left  open,  no  seats  placed  there 
if  possible,  and,  at  all  events,  never  occupied  by  the  entertainers,  is  obvious; 
since,  from  a  central  position,  one  can  better  care  for  one's  guests,  and  pro- 
mote conversation  and  a  genial  and  measured  degree  of  hilarity ;  while,  on 
the  other  hand,  if  guests  are  given  the  extreme  ends,  it  may  seem  to  place 
them  '  below  the  salt.'  As  to  the  suitable  service  of  the  table,  Washington 
has  many  good  caterers  and  intelligent  waiters,  whose  attendance  can  readily 
be  procured,  in  case  the  home  establishment  needs  to  be  reinforced — as  indeed 
it  generally  does,  in  order  to  meet  the  requirements  of  a  banquet.  So  the 
chief  care  of  the  host  and  hostess  should  be  to  forget  that  the  dinner  is  being 
served,  and  try  to  interest  their  guests.  As  to  the  menu,  or  bill  of  fare, 
which  it  is  better  to  put  at  each  plate,  for  the  information  of  the  epicurean 
appetite,  we  would  suggest  not  to  yield  implicitly  to  the  caterer,  who  will  be 
sure  to  prolong  your  dinner  beyond  the  bounds  of  good  taste.  Especially 
should  this  be  the  case,  where  a  sudden  acquisition  of  fortune  gives  hospi- 
table people  the  means  of  entertaining.  Such  persons,  quite  unaccustomed 
to  judge  for  themselves  of  what  is  really  proper,  are  readily  imposed  upon 
by  those  whose  interest  it  is  to  provide  lavish  feasts.  A  banquet  must  be 
sumptuous  rather  in  the  careful  choice  and  quality,  than  in  the  profuse 
quantity  of  the  selected  dishes.  If  you  desire  to  spend  money  without  stint 
when  giving  dinners,  do  so  rather  by  the  artistic  elaboration  of  that  which 
you  present,  than  by  an  endless  repetition  of  courses  which  pall  upon  the 
taste.  Do  not  be  persuaded  to  exceed  ten  courses — it  is  wearisome;  let  the 
wines  be  delicate,  and  do  not  mix  wines  in  which  tastes  conflict.  The  French 
custom  (and  the  French  are  unrivalled  in  all  matters  of  taste)  of  only  pre- 
senting each  wine  once,  is  excellent ;  it  effectually  prevents  all  inebriating 
excess,  which  is  so  utterly  disgraceful,  if  it  happen  to  occur. 

"  A  very  great  reform  however,  has  taken  place  in  the  past  few  years  with 
regard  to  the  use  of  wines.  Doubtless,  the  agitation  kept  up  by  temperance 
societies  has  had  something  to  do  with  this ;  but  much  also  has  been  effected 
by  the  happy  introduction  of  light  native  wines  amongst  us,  at  moderate 
prices.  When  the  vin-du  pays  becomes  as  cheap  here  as  it  is  in  France  or 
Italy,  we  shall  have  effectually  swept  away  the  intoxicating  poisons,  which 


WA  SHINOTON  ETIQ  UETTE.  253 

as  yet  are  demanded.  We  recollect  hearing  our  father,  the  Hon.  S.  F.  Vinton, 
say  that  when  he  came  here  in  1823,  the  then  youngest  member  of  the  House 
and  a  bachelor,  he  absolutely  dreaded  a  dinner,  on  account  of  the  social 
tyranny  in  the  matter  of  drinking.  Old  English  customs  then  prevailed  at 
the  dinner,  and  the  calibre  of  a  man's  brain  was  measured  at  dinner  by  the 
capacity  of  his  stomach  to  guzzle  bumpers.  Let  us  rejoice  that  this  enforced 
dissipation  has  given  way  to  more  Christian  ideas. 

"When  our  dinner  talk  is  over,  the  hostess  rises  first,  and  all  proceed  to 
the  drawing-room,  where  coffee,  the  demi-tasse  cordials,  and  an  hour  later 
tea,  are  served.  The  hostess  usually  serves  the  tea  herself,  but  this  is  not  de 
rigueur,  and  though  we  love  to  see  a  hostess  exercise  '  les  petits  soins ' — those 
little  acts  of  hospitable  care — yet  we  confess  to  being  most  bent  upon  conver- 
sation, and  to  our  dislike  of  anything  that  interrupts  the  '  flow  of  reason  and 
the  feast  of  soul.'  The  after-dinner  hour  is  precious  in  its  genial  exercise  of 
intellect,  or  for  music.  At  such  times  a  gracious  play  of  fancy  is  stimulated, 
and  even  the  cup  of  tea  should  be  used  '  to  cheer,'  and  not  to  interfere.  Yet 
many  a  gentle  dame  presides  so  gracefully  at  the  tea-board,  and  dispenses 
the  grateful  beverage  with  such  pleasant  words,  that  none  may  cavil.  We 
have  in  our  eye  now,  one  of  our  most  honored  matrons,  her  placid  face 
almost  hidden  by  the  burnished  silver,  the  hissing  tea-urn,  the  snowy  bowl 
of  sugar,  and,  as  she  handles  the  quaint  old  China,  we  hear  her  say :  '  For 
twenty-five  years  have  I  made  tea,  seated  just  here,  at  this  board  '—just 
twenty-five  years !  and  'Aere,'  then,  the  monarchs  of  thought,  who  have 
toiled  to  bring  about  the  culmination  of  our  nation's  grandeur,  have  sipped 
their  Bohea !  The  '  old  families '  of  Washington  have  an  interest  for  us, 
which  none  other  in  the  land  may  claim,  for  their  social  life  has  gone  hand  in 
hand  with  that  of  the  nation.  But  we  have  not  yet  bid  our  hostess  adieu> 
a  formality  we  may  dispense  with  at  a  soiree,  but  not  at  a  dinner. 

"The  gentlemen,  some  of  them,  are  still  in  the,  smoking  room.  We  feel 
sorry  that  they  smoke  so  long,  for  charming  women  are  here,  and  it  is  the 
common  loss.  Perhaps,  like  social  cowards,  they  retreat  from  an  appre- 
hended captivity. 

"  We  are  at  liberty  to  leave  after  the  coffee,  but  we  linger  still  and  sip 
our  tea.  However,  during  what  is  called  the  season,  social  festivities 
become  so  multiplied,  that  one  may  have  several  engagements  to  meet  later 


254  WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE. 

than  the  dinner.  It  is  therefore  admissible  to  leave  as  soon  as  the  coffee  is 
handed.  Succeeding  the  dinner,  a  visit,  which  the  French  wittily  call 
visite-de-digestion,  must  be  made  within  the  week. 

"When  you  attend  a  reception,  do  not  omit  to  leave  your  card  with  the 
usher  in  the  hall.  In  some  houses  it  is  the  custom  always  to  give  your 
name  to  the  usher,  who  then  announces  you  a  haute  voix.  Of  course,  in  a 
society  where  so  many  strangers  meet,  and  which  is  so  cosmopolitan  in  its 
nature,  it  may  often  be  essential  to  announce  in  this  way.  In  public  recep- 
tions, it  is  entirely  so ;  but  we  must  enter  a  prote  st  against  the  awkward 
usher,  who  murders  your  name  outright,  cuts  you  into  halves  and  stiows 
you  no  quarters.  As  to  those  foreigners  who  have  a  quartering  to  their 
names,  they  must  be  fearful  sufferers !  Let  the  usher  be  well  trained  to 
announce,  or  dispense  with  his  services  in  this  respect  altogether,  as  an 
unmitigated  nuisance. 

"Very  aged  persons  should  be  treated  with  peculiar  respect.  God  has 
stamped  upon  them  the  majesty  of  years,  and  we  must  give  them  a  defer- 
ential place.  Not  long  since  the  nation  beheld  a  touching  example  of  filial 
respect  in  the  family  of  its  chief  magistrate,  and  it  seems  to  us  that  it  was 
a  providential  spectacle,  at  a  time  wrhen  insubordination  to  parents  is  a 
growing  evil  throughout  the  land.  Many  years  since,  a  friend  of  ours,  the 
wife  of  a  public  man,  was  led  into  dinner  by  the  then  President.  The  aged 
father  of  His  Excellency  being  present,  it  was  made  a  question  if  the  Presi- 
dent should  precede  his  own  father?  By  right  as  President,  yes — by  filial 
courtesy  as  son,  no.  Exceptions  to  ordinary  claims  of  social,  or  even  offi- 
cial precedence,  may  also  be  allowed  by  courtesy  to  strangers  of  distinction 
who  make  us  passing  visits,  to  remarkable  worth  and  merit,  such  as  philan- 
thropists and  other  benefactors  of  mankind  exhibit,  or  to  extraordinary  and 
acknowledged  scientific,  artistic  or  literary  excellence.  Defense  to  these 
conditions  illustrate  the  existence  of  that  advanced  state  of  civilization  it  is 
our  aim  to  acquire. 

"  In  making  visits  always  send  in  or  leave  your  card.  At  receptions  the 
usher  takes  your  card.  At  other  times,  the  person  called  upon  not  being  at 
home,  you  turn  down  the  right-hand  upper  corner  of  the  pasteboard  to  indi- 
cate that  you  came  in  person ;  and  if  the  visit  is  intended  for  the  various 
members  of  the  family,  you  either  give  several  cards  or  leave  one  with  the 


WA SHINGTON  ETIQ,  UETTE.  255 

right  side  folded  over.  The  choice  is  immaterial.  When  you  go  away  from 
the  city  altogether,  do  not  omit  to  send  a  card  upon  which  P.  P.  C.  is  writ- 
ten on  one  of  the  lower  corners.  A  prompt  notice  should  be  taken  of  the 
first  visit  received,  and  when  such  visit  inaugurates  an  acquaintance,  the 
card  or  call  should  be  at  once  honored.  An  intervening  period  not  exceed- 
ing three  days  marks  high  breeding,  as  it  evinces  your  pleasure  at  forming 
the  acquaintance,  so  that  a  return  visit,  within  a  day  or  so,  is  therefore  a 
delicate  compliment.  With  regard  to  entertainments,  other  than  the  .din- 
ner, one  is  at  liberty  not  to  send  a  written  answer  of  acceptance ;  but  in  case 
of  non-acceptance,  it  is  certainly  more  polite  to  send  a  regret.  Of  course,  if 
an  answer  is  requested  (theR.  S.  V.  P.  means  the  same  thing),  an  answer 
should  be  given  accordingly.  When  one.has  a  small  house  it  is  important 
to  know  what  number  of  guests  may  be  expected,  and  always  more  pleasant 
for  a  hostess  to  be  thus  assured.  In  making  calls  the  usual  visiting  hours 
are  from  two  until  five.  This  portion  of  the  day  is  particularly  set  apart  for 
formal  calls.  An  evening  visit  implies  some  degree  of  social  acquaintance, 
and  should  never  be  made  as  a  first  call,  unless  you  are  invited  to  come 
unceremoniously. 

"  Persons  in  private  life,  having  no  official  position  in  Washington,  are 
in  a  measure  exempt  from  the  necessity  of  making  the  official  round  of  vis- 
its, or  of  giving  large  entertainments ;  yet  any  one  who  enters  into  general 
society  here  must  of  course  conform  to  the  general  rules  of  precedence  and 
etiquette.  Private  life  here  has  its  advantages  as  well  as  its  disadvantages. 
It  is  pleasant  to  select  your  own  company,  even  though  choice  extend  to  but 
a  limited  number;  and  the  private  citizen  is  free  to  do  this.  Washington 
will  certainly  become  more  and  more  a  central  social  point  of  attraction  to 
persons  of  wealth  and  refinement,  who  can  exercise  freedom  of  selection, 
and  who  will  also  add  to  the  already  charming  variety  of  society.  Such 
persons  must  surely  appreciate  our  social  advantages  over  all  other  cities  of 
the  Union. 

"Young  people  amongst  us  have  never,  as  a  common  rule,  been  allowed 
to  tyrannize  over  society,  as  they  do  in  New  York,  and  in  other  cities ;  and 
the  ineffable  vulgarity  of  coteries  presided  over  by  young  ladies,  and  not 
dignified  by  the  presence  of  their  seniors,  has  not,  we  believe,  had  much,  if 
any,  encouragement  here.  Probably  the  presence  of  so  many  personages  of 


256  WA  SHINOTON  ETIQ  VETTE. 

importance  in  the  State,  assists  to  keep  the  young  in  their  proper  place.  One 
may  here  see,  what  we  fear  is  not  so  usual  elsewhere,  young  ladies  remain 
standing,  as  they  should  do,  until  the  mother  or  married  lady  may  be  seated, 
and,  at  all  events,  an  appearance  of  subordination,  which  speaks  well  for  the 
future.  Our  young  people  are  not  often  invited  to  dinners,  but  left  to  partici- 
pate in  the  simpler  forms  of  gaiety.  We  have  heard  it  said  that  a  woman 
did  not  enjoy  a  dinner  conversation,  or  play  a  good  hand  at  whist,  under 
thirty! 

"  On  New  Year's  day,  ladies  are  not  expected  to  make  visits.  Gentlemen 
call  to  pay  the  compliments  of  the  season,  and  ladies  stay  at  home  to  welcome 
visitors. 

"  We  think  our  ladies  make  a  mistake,  and  also  fatigue  themselves  unnec- 
essarily, by  receiving  standing.  This  is  a  great  tax  on  the  strength,  and 
much  more  formal  than  is  apt  to  be  agreeable.  In  very  large  receptions,  a 
lady  who  receives  can  scarcely  be  seated ;  but  in  the  usual  morning  at  home, 
would  not  our  guests  remain  longer,  and  be  more  at  ease,  if  seated  in  pleasant 
circles,  rather  than  left  standing  in  formal  groups  in  the  middle  of  the  room  ? 
Magnetism  counts  for  something  the  world  over,  and  stiff  constraint  destroys 
electric  currents. 

"As  to  the  refreshments  proper  to  provide  at  a  morning  reception,  the 
choice  is  quite  optional  here,  as  in  others  of  our  cities.  A  cup  of  chocolate 
is,  however,  usually  offered,  and  many  still  preserve  the  old  custom,  and  add 
other  refreshing  drinks  and  many  tempting  comfits. 

In  writing,  the  President  is  addressed  as  "  His  Excellency,  the  President 
of  the  United  States ; "  the  members  of  the  cabinet  are  "  The  Honorable,  the 
Secretary  of  State;"  "The  Honorable, the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury;"  "The 
Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  War;  "  "  The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  the 
Navy ;  "  "The  Honorable,  the  Secretary  of  the  Interior ;  "  "  The  Honorable, 
the  Postmaster-General;"  and  "The  Honorable,  the  Attorney-General." 
The  Vice-President  is  simply  "  Mr.  Vice-President,"  and  the  Chief  Justice, 
"Mr.  Chief  Justice."  Words  must  not  be  abbreviated  in  a  ceremonious 
note,  but  when  an  official  title  is  very  long,  as  in  case  of  diplomatic  officers, 
it  is  proper  to  give  one  full  title,  and  in  the  line  below  add,  etc.,  etc.,  which 
includes  all  the  rest.  The  Speaker  of  the  House  is  addressed  as  "Mr. 
Speaker;  "  a  member  of  the  cabinet  as  "  Mr.  Secretary ;  "  a  Senator  as  "  Mr. 


WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE.  257 

Senator."  A  member  of  the  House  of  Representatives  is  introduced  as  "The 
Honorable  Mr.  Jones,"  but  in  conversation  is  plain  "Mister,"  unless  he 
has  some  other  title,  as,  indeed,  most  have.  It  is  a  growing  custom  to 
address  the  wives  of  dignitaries  with  the  prefixed  titles  which  reflect  the 
honors  of  their  lords,  as  Mrs.  Secretary  Sherman,  Mrs.  General  Sheridan,. 
Mrs.  Senator  Thurman,  and  in  this  the  fashion  in  Europe  is  followed,  though 
in  questionable  taste,  it  being  more  in  keeping  with  modern  ideas,  and  par- 
ticularly with  republican  ideas,  to  let  each  individual,  man  or  woman,  stand 
on  the  basis  of  personal  merit.  Yet  women  are  born  aristocrats,  and  love 
titles,  and  even  those  who  would  count  it  in  shocking  taste  to  apply  a  title 
to  oneself,  are  visibly  flattered  when  they  are  deferentially  prefixed  to  their 
names  by  others.  The  following  rules  were  noted  down  by  Thomas  Jefferson , 
and  were  agreed  to  by  George  Washington : 

"  In  order  to  bring  the  members  of  society  together  in  the  first  instance, 
the  custom  of  the  country  has  established  that  residents  shall  pay  the  first 
visit  to  strangers,  and,  among  strangers,  first  comers  to  later  comers,  foreign 
and  domestic ;  the  character  of  stranger  ceasing  after  the  first  visit.  To  this 
rule  there  is  a  single  exception.  Foreign  ministers,  from  the  necessity  of 
making  themselves  known,  pay  the  first  visit  to  the  ministers  of  the  nation, 
which  is  returned.  (This  exception  does  not,  of  course,  include  the  families 
of  diplomats,  who  pay  first  calls  under  the  rule.)  •. 

"  II.  When  brought  together  in  society  all  are  perfectly  equal,  whether 
foreign  or  domestic,  titled  or  untitled,  in  or  out  of  office.  All  other  observ- 
ances are  but  exemplifications  of  these  two  principles. 

"First.  The  families  of  foreign  ministers  arriving  at  the  seat  of  govern- 
ment receive  the  first  visit  from  those  of  the  national  ministers,  as  from  all 
other  residents. 

"Second.  Members  of  the  legislature  and  of  the  judiciary,  independent 
of  their  offices,  have  a  right,  as  strangers,  to  receive  the  first  visit. 

"II.  First.  No  title  being  admitted  here,  those  of  foreigners  give  no 
precedence. 

"  Second.  Differences  of  grade  among  the  diplomatic  members  gives  no 
precedence. 

"Third.  At  public  ceremonies,  to  which  the  government  invites  the 
presence  of  foreign  ministers  and  their  families,  a  convenient  seat  or  station 


253  WA  SHINGTON  ETIQ  UETTE. 

will  be  provided  for  them,  with  any  other  strangers  invited,  and  the  families 
of  the  national  ministers,  each  taking  place  as  they  arrive,  and  without  any 
precedence. 

"  Fourth.  To  maintain  the  principle  of  equality,  or  of  pele  mele,  and 
prevent  the  growth  of  precedence  out  of  courtesy,  the  members  of  the 
Executive  will  practice  at  their  own  houses,  and  recommend  an  adherence 
to  the  ancient  usage  of  the  country,  of  gentlemen  in  mass  giving  precedence 
to  the  ladies  in  mass  in  passing  from  one  apartment,  where  they  are 
assembled,  to  another."  (Vol.  IX,  pp.  451-5,  Jefferson's  works.) 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES. 


"  Love  thyself  last ;  cherish  those  hearts  that  hate  thee; 

Corruption  wins  not  more  than  honesty. 
Still  in  thy  right  hand  carry  gentle  peace, 
And  silence  envious  tongues." 

THE  well-bred  gentleman  and  lady  carry  their  good  manners  with  them, 
and  those  who  leave  their  politeness  and  polish  at  home  when  they  go  out 
to  appear  in  public  places,  have  only  a  thin  veneering  of  manners  that 
covers  a  boorish  nature.  The  code  that  is  fittingly  observed  in  the  drawing- 
room,  loses  none  of  its  charm  in  public  places. 

The  lady  who,  in  traveling,  fills  four  seats  with  her  packages,  and  allows 
gentlemen,  who  have  paid  for  these  seats,  to  stand  in  the  aisle ;  or  who  opens 
a  window  without  considering  whether  the  draft  may  be  dangerous  to  some 
one  else ;  or  who  uses  all  the  towels,  if  she  happens  to  be  first  in  the  dressing- 
room  of  the  sleeping-car,  while  she  makes  a  toilet  as  elaborate  as  if  she  were 
at  home,  while  other  ladies  are  waiting  impatiently  for  an  opportunity ;  or 
who  spreads  out  her  garments  on  the  seat  of  a  street-car,  selfishly  ignoring 
others  who  stand ;  or  who  accepts  a  seat  which  a  gentleman  gallantly  vacates 
for  her,  and  when  the  seat  next  her  becomes  vacant,  slips  her  escort  into  it, 
while  the  gallant  gentleman  stands  and  reflects  on  the  ingratitude  of  the 
sex — such  a  woman  lacks  something  in  heart  or  in  culture.  She  is  too 
thoughtless  or  too  selfish  to  be  thoroughly  a  lady. 

As  a  rule,  travelers  are  selfish.  In  the  scramble  for  tickets  at  the  crowded 
ticket  office,  and  for  the  best  seats  in  the  cars,  the  courtesies  of  life  are  for- 
gotten, and  even  ladies  are  subjected  to  rude  treatment  from  gentlemen, 


260  IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  . 

who  are  scrupulously  polite  in  the  drawing-room  and  among  friends. 
Indeed,  to  see  Americans  only  while  on  their  travels,  would  not  give  a  stran- 
ger a  favorable  impression  of  the  manners  of  the  nation.  And  yet,  under 
the  rush  and  hurry  and  selfish  crowding  for  the  best  places,  there  is  an 
inbred  courtesy  that  recognizes  a  lady,  and  the  claims  of  the  sex,  so  that  it 
is  a  matter  of  pride  that  any  lady  who  conducts  herself  with  propriety,  how- 
ever ignorant  of  the  ways  of  travel,  may  go  from  one  end  of  the  country  to 
the  other  alone  and  in  safety.  It  is  always  pleasanter,  however,  for  the 
inexperienced  to  travel  in  company  with  friends  or  an  escort,  because  it 
relieves  them  of  anxieties  and  cares  which  are  trifles  to  old  travelers,  besides 
affording  company  to  relieve  the  tediousness  of  long  journeys. 

A  gentleman  in  whose  charge  a  lady  is  to  travel  should  make  sure  of 
arriving  at  the  depot  in  ample  time  to  secure  tickets  and  check  trunks.  It  is 
also  his  duty  to  secure  the  best  possible  seat  for  her,  and  if  he  occupies  the 
seat  with  her,  he  should  give  her  the  window  or  outside,  as  she  prefers,  and 
stow  away  all  her  packages — a  duty  of  no  little  difficulty  sometimes — where 
they  will  be  safe,  out  of  the  way,  and  at  the  same  time  accessible.  He  then 
settles  himself  to  enjoy  the  journey  and  make  it  agreeable  to  his  fair  charge. 
On  arriving  at  the  destination,  he  must  help  her  to  change  cars  in  safety,  or 
if  their  destination  is  the  same,  must  hand  her  over  to  friends  who  have 
come  to  meet  her,  or  secure  a  carriage,  to  the  driver  of  which  he  gives  clear 
and  explicit  directions  as  to  her  friends'  address,  in  case  it  is  impossible  for 
him  to  accompany  it  himself.  If  necessary  to  leave  her  in  the  ladies'  room, 
while  he  looks  after  the  baggage,  he  will  find  her  a  seat,  and  assure  her  of 
his  speedy  return.  On  the  following  day  he  should  call  on  her  to  enquire 
after  her  health  and  learn  how  she  has  stood  the  fatigues  of  the  journey. 
After  this,  it  is  the  lady's  privilege  to  recognize  him  further,  or  not,  as  she 
chooses,  but,  as  a  rule,  no  gentleman  ought  to  be  asked  to  accept  such  a 
responsibility  as  the  care  of  a  young  lady,  unless  his  character  and  standing 
are  such  that  he  is  at  least  worthy  to  be  accepted  as  a  friend. 

Ladies  who  are  traveling  without  escort  will  save  themselves  trouble 
and  possible  unpleasant  and  dangerous  experiences  by  observing  the  follow- 
ing rules: 

Before  starting  on  a  journey,  familiarize  yourself  with  the  route,  and 
with  names  of  good  hotels  at  the  various  stopping  places. 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  261 

Never  travel  with  just  enough  money,  but  always  carry  enough  to  pro- 
vide for  any  possible  emergency.  This  will  save  much  anxiety. 

Wear  but  little  jewelry,  and  keep  the  larger  part  of  your  money  in  some 
inside  pocket,  out  of  sight. 

Always  look  after  yourself,  and  do  not  allow  a  stranger  to  procure  your 
ticket  or  checks  for  your  baggage. 

Avoid,  if  possible,  making  changes  in  cars  by  night,  but,  when  unavoid- 
able, go  with  others.  Do  not  become  separated  from  the  crowd. 

Take  no  hacks,  but  go  in  an  omnibus,  where  there  are  other  people. 
These  are  perfectly  safe. 

If  in  any  doubt  as  to  changing  cars,  checking  baggage,  etc.,  inquire  in 
advance  of  the  conductor.  The  conductors  on  our  trains  are  always  polite 
and  willing  to  be  of  service,  especially  to  women  traveling  alone.  Do  not 
wait  till  about  to  make  some  change  in  train  before  inquiring  of  the  conduc- 
tor, for,  ten  to  one,  he  will  then  be  hurried,  and  you  will  only  half  inform 
yourself;  and  finally: 

Under  all  circumstances,  endeavor  to  retain  presence  of  mind.  One  who 
can  do  this  will  have  110  trouble,  and,  instead  of  its  being  unwise  for  women 
to  travel  alone,  it  is  an  advantage  for  them  to  make  trips  alone,  for  there 
are  few  people  who  are  not  at  times  obliged  to  do  so,  and  experience  does 
away  with  much  of  the  possible  danger  in  traveling. 

When  seated,  or  about  to  take  a  seat  in  a  car,  allow  no  consideration  for 
personal  comfort  to  lead  you  to  disregard  the  rights  of  others.  If  vacant 
seats  are  numerous,  all  the  room  necessary  for  personal  comfort  may  properly 
be  taken,  but  in  crowded  cars,  a  spirit  of  mutual  accommodation  and  kind- 
ness lessens  the  friction  of  travel  wonderfully,  and  puts  fellow-travelers  into 
comfortable  moods,  while  a  display  of  selfishness  not  only  loses  one  the 
respect  of  all,  but  provokes  an  evil  spirit  of  bitterness,  that  runs  through  a 
car-full  of  passengers  like  wildfire,  so  subtle  is  the  spirit  that  moves  to  cour- 
tesy or  to  boorishness.  The  well-bred  gentleman  or  lady,  whose  politeness 
is  a  part  of  the  character,  and  not  merely  skin-deep,  is  always  courteous  to 
strangers  as  well  as  friends ;  and  those  who  possess  only  the  varnish  of  good 
manners,  but  who  wish  to  appear  to  be  gentlemen  and  ladies,  will  do  well  to 
remember  that  in  these  days  of  travel,  when  the  telegraph,  the  railroad,  and 
the  steamship  have  brought  the  whole  world  within  talking  distance,  no 


262  IN  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

man's  reputation  is  safe,  unless  he  is  on  the  alert  to  take  care  of  it.  People 
who  wish  to  be  thought  ladies  and  gentlemen,  must  at  least  appear  to  be  so 
at  all  times,  or,  when  the  mask  is  off,  at  the  least  opportune  moment,  in 
the  most  obscure  corner  of  the  world  it  may  be,  some  friend  or  acquaintance 
will  drop  upon  them  and  recognize  the  sham  at  a  glance,  and  publish  it  in 
their  little  social  world. 

No  lady  has  a  right  to  claim  a  seat  which  a  gentleman  occupies,  but  a  gen- 
tleman will  usually  vacate  a  seat  for  a  lady  rather  than  allow  her  to  stand, 
particularly  if  her  manner  is  lady-like.  A  coat  or  article  of  baggage  left  in 
a  seat  reserves  it  for  the  owner,  and  this  rule  ought  to  be  respected  by  ladies. 
A  lady  without  escort  should  be  as  self-reliant  as  possible  but  should  acknowl- 
edge pleasantly  any  courtesy,  such  as  raising  or  lowering  her  window,  or 
any  one  of  the  little  attentions  which  gallant  gentlemen  take  pleasure  in 
offering  to  unattended  ladies.  Young  ladies,  however,  need  to  maintain  a 
steadier  reserve,  particularly  with  young  men,  and  should  accept  no  favors 
except  such  slight  offices  as  any  stranger  might  with  propriety  offer.  Any- 
thing like  familiarity  on  the  part  of  a  stranger  is  presumption,  and  should 
be  rebuked  accordingly.  No  gentleman  will  be  guilty  of  such  presumption, 
and  no  lady  can  afford  to  appear  to  be  on  talking  terms  even  with  any  one 
who  is  not  a  gentleman.  If  the  journey  is  long,  particularly  if  by  steamer, 
when  all  on  board  are  shut  up  in  a  little  world  of  their  own,  kindly  courtesies 
and  friendly  conversation  are  not  only  proper,  but  any  special  exclusiveness 
would  be  prudery  and  snobbishness.  It  is  no  presumption  on  the  part  of  a 
stranger  to  address  a  lady  politely,  and  a  certain  degree  of  friendship  is  per- 
mitted, but  such  acquaintances  are  always  understood  to  end  with  the  jour- 
ney, unless  it  is  mutually  desired  to  prolong  them.  All  obligations  of  recog- 
nition end  with  the  pleasant  word  and  bow  at  parting. 

It  is  especially  the  duty  of  ladies,  who  know  the  ways  of  travel,  to  look 
after  younger  ones  who  are  unattended,  to  see  that  they  are  not  made  dupes 
of  designing  men,  and  to  relieve  the  loneliness  of  those  who  need  an  occa- 
sional pleasant  word  to  relieve  the  monotony  of  the  journey.  Ladies  ought 
to  esteem  it  a  privilege,  as  well  as  a  duty,  to  help  and  protect  those  of  their 
own  sex  who  need  help,  in  emergencies  that  sometimes  unexpectedly  arise 
on  a  journey,  and  to  show  such  favors  as  may  be  an  important  aid  or  safe- 
guard to  such  as  know  less  of  the  world  than  themselves. 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  263 

There  have  been  written  pages  of  satire  on  the  selfishness  of  American 
ladies,  as  displayed  in  traveling,  and  there  is  doubtless  truth  in  much  of  it. 
Mr.  Pullman  was  ungallant  enough  to  give  as  a  reason  for  not  putting  locks 
on  the  doors  of  the  ladies'  dressing-rooms,  in  his  palace  cars,  that  "but  two 
or  three  ladies  in  a  sleeping-car  wonld  be  able  to  avail  themselves  of  the 
conveniences,  for  these  would  lock  themselves  in,  and  perform  their  toilets 
at  their  leisure."  A  display  of  selfishness  in  the  cars  is  no  more  charming 
than  the  same  sort  of  ill-manners  in  the  drawing-room,  and  ladies  who  wish 
to  perfect  themselves  in  politeness,  must  not  forget  to  be  generous  and  kindly 
to  their  own  sex,  as  well  as  discreet  and  courteous  with  gentlemen. 

In  drawing-room  and  sleeping-cars  there  is  always  room.  Packages  that 
are  in  the  way  may  be  left  safely  with  the  porter,  whose  duty  it  is  to  attend 
to  any  wants  of  passengers,  who  usually  ackowledge  his  service  with  a  fee, 
though  his  duty  is  the  same  whether  he  receives  this  payment  or  not. 
Comfort  in  travel  depends  largely  on  the  manner  in  which  one  prepares 
himself  for  a  journey,  and  one's  capacity  for  making  the  most  of  his  sur- 
roundings and  fellow-passengers.  One  settles  down  with  his  book  in  a  luxu- 
rious exclusiveness,  at  the  great  peril  of  his  eyesight.  Another  knows 
every  one  in  the  car  worth  knowing  before  he  has  reached  his  journey's  end, 
thanks  to  his  pleasant  address,  and  happy  ways  of  interesting  people  in  him- 
self, and  enticing  them  out  of  their  shells. 

It  is  the  duty  of  a  gentleman  to  anticipate  and  supply  the  wants  of  ladies 
and  elderly  people  in  those  lesser  courtesies  which  any  stranger  is  at  liberty 
to  offer  another.  He  will  take  care  to  be  in  time  so  that  unusual  haste  will 
not  be  necessary,  and  will,  while  maintaining  in  a  quiet  and  gentlemanly 
way,  his  own  rights,  have  due  regard  to  the  rights  of  others.  He  will  be 
kindly  and  gallant  to  ladies,  but  without  a  shade  or  suspicion  of  familiarity. 
He  may  address  a  question  to  anyone,  and  will  remember  that  a  lady  while 
traveling,  is  neither  bold  nor  presumptuous,  if  she  addresses  a  question  to 
any  gentleman,  though,  if  she  opened  a  lively  conversation  with  a  stranger 
and  equal  in  age,  her  conduct  might  be  questionable.  Always  meet  a  fel- 
low-passenger halfway  in  conversation.  Never  run  with  unmanly  haste  to 
the  table  of  the  steamboat  or  railroad  eating  house ;  there  is  full  time  for 
all  necessary  refreshment,  and  heated  blood  and  nervous  excitement  impair 
digestion.  The  experienced  traveler  is  known  by  his  coolness  and~eelf-con- 


264  IN  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

trol,  his  attention  to  the  personal  comfort  of  his  party,  and  the  small  num- 
ber of  his  parcels,  while  the  novice  is  burdened  with  many  bundles,  and 
frets  under  a  load  of  anxiety  and  apprehension. 

The  etiquette  of  the  street  has  been  treated  in  the  chapter  on  "Saluta- 
tions," and  the  accepted  customs  for  both  ladies  and  gentlemen  wTill  be 
found  fully  set  forth  there.  No  gentleman  need  ever  neglect  the  observance 
of  the  best  forms  of  strict  etiquette  he  knows,  for  fear  that  he  will  not  receive 
equal  marks  of  respect  in  return.  One  of  the  uses  of  superior  manners  is  to 
show  their  superiority ;  and  the  advantage  always  is  with  the  most  courteous. 
If  the  person  saluted  is  too  boorish  to  return  the  salute  in  kind,  no  one  but 
himself  is  harmed.  He  has  proved  his  ignorance  or  stupidity,  while  the 
gentleman  has  not  for  a  moment  forgotten  to  be  at  his  best. 

No  young  lady,  as  a  rule,  should  appear  on  the  street  of  any  city  without 
an  escort,  after  night.  But  even  in  this,  as  in  many  other  matters  of 
behavior  what  might  be  improper  in  one  city  or  locality,  would  be  quite 
allowable  in  another.  It  is  a  safe  rule  to  first  learn  what  are  the  customs 
adopted  by  the  best  society  of  the  locality,  and  follow  them  strictly,  always 
being  careful  to  err  on  the  side  of  discretion,  rather  than  freedom  of  manners. 
To  avoid  the  appearance  of  evil,  as  well  as  the  evil  itself,  is  important  in  the 
case  of  every  woman.  It  is  always  proper  for  a  lady,  married  or  unmarried, 
to  ask  the  person  to  whom  she  is  paying  a  visit  to  permit  a  servant  to  accom- 
pany her,  and  if  the  host  offers  his  escort,  it  is  better  to  accept,  with  an 
apology  for  giving  trouble,  and  thanks  on  arrival  at  home.  To  avoid  either 
of  these  necessities,  it  is  better  to  arrange  beforehand  with  some  relative  to 
call  for  you  at  a  proper  hour. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  pull  off  the  glove  in  shaking  hands  with  either 
ladies  or  gentlemen.  That  old  custom  is  one  of  the  dead  laws,  having  no 
reason  for  existence  now  unless,  indeed,  it  may  sometimes  be  courteous  for 
a  gentleman  to  remove  a  dark  glove  lest  it  soil  a  lady's  white  one. 

In  passing  muddy  crossings,  a  lady  gracefully  raises  her  dress  a  little  above 
her  ankle  with  her  right  hand,  holding  together  the  folds  of  her  gown,  and 
drawing  them  tightly  to  the  right  side.  To  raise  the  dress  on  both  sides  at 
the  same  time,  is  ungraceful,  and  only  to  be  tolerated  for  a  moment  when 
the  mud  is  unusually  deep. 

The  prevailing  mode  of  the  season  decides  what  is  allowable,  and,  to  a 


IN  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CES.  265 

great  extent,  what  is  appropriate  in  costumes  for  street  wear,  but  a  correct 
taste  will  incline  towards  modest  and  sober  colors  in  walking-dresses,  while 
the  light  and  more  showily  trimmed  dresses  are  reserved  for  the  more  private 
carriage,  for  which  they  are  more  appropriate.  In  walking-dresses,  which 
are  necessarily  conspicuous  on  the  street  or  promenade,  the  loud  and  flashy 
styles  savor  of  ignorance  and  a  barbaric  love  of  display.  Gold  chains  and 
lockets,  diamond  earrings,  cluster  stones,  and  all  conspicuous  jewelry,  are 
also  too  ostentatious  for  street  wear,  and  are  discarded  by  ladies  of  correct 
taste. 

A  lady  walks  quietly  and  unobtrusively  along  the  street,  hearing  nothing 
that  she  ought  not  to  hear,  and  seeing  nothing  that  she  ought  not  to  see, 
recognizing  acquaintances  with  a  kindly  bow,  and  friends  with  a  warmer  but 
still  dignified  greeting.  She  never  talks  or  laughs  boisterously,  or  in  any 
way  attracts  attention  or  makes  herself  conspicuous.  She  is  simply  attend- 
ing to  her  own  business  in  a  lady-like  way,  and  her  manner  is  the  best  guar- 
antee that  she  will  be  free  from  annoyance.  Indeed,  that  self-control,  and 
power  to  ignore  by  not  seeming  to  hear  or  to  see  unpleasant  things,  which 
make  up  a  part  of  the' ready  tact  of  every  well-bred  woman,  will  often  save 
a  lady  infinite  trouble,  and  enable  her  to  avoid  painful  scenes. 

No  lady,  young  or  old,  forms  the  acquaintance  of  a  stranger  upon  the 
streets,  or  seeks  in  any  way  to  attract  the  attention  of  the  other  sex.  To  do 
so  is  to  waive  all  claims  to  consideration  as  a  lady,  to  say  nothing  of  repu- 
tation as  a  virtuous  woman.  No  lady  ever  demands  attentions  or  favors 
from  gentlemen,  friends  or  strangers,  as  a  right.  They  are  courtesies  to  be 
received  graciously  with  thanks.  A  married  lady  takes  the  arm  of  her  hus- 
band in  daylight  when  on  the  streets,  as  well  as  in  the  evening,  but  single 
ladies  take  a  gentleman's  arm  in  the  evening  only,  unless  they  are  willing 
to  publicly  acknowledge  an  engagement.  If  a  lady  is  met  by  a  gentleman 
friend  on  the  street,  and  he  asks  to  join  her  in  her  walk  when  it  would  be 
inconvenient  for  her  to  permit  it,  she  should  say  so  frankly  and  plainly, 
giving  her  reasons,  of  course,  when  convenient 

In  walking  with  a  lady  in  a  crowded  street,  the  gentleman  should  always 
give  his  right  arm,  as  she  will  then  avoid  the  jostling  of  the  crowd.  There 
is  no  honor  attached  to  the  inside  of  the  walk.  The  sensible  rule  is  to  con- 
sult the  lady's  convenience  and  give  her  the  place  where  she  can  walk,most 


266  IN  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

safely  and  with  the  least  annoyance.  In  passing  through  a  crowd,  the  gen- 
tleman always  precedes  the  lady  to  make  way  for  her.  It  is  always  proper 
for  a  gentleman  to  offer  his  arm  and  for  a  lady  to  take  it  when  her  safety, 
comfort  or  convenience  require  it,  as,  when  on  a  narrow  walk,  or  descend- 
ing flights  of  stairs.  Ladies  as  well  as  gentlemen  should  learn  to  keep  step 
in  walking  with  others  with  military  precision.  Nothing  is  more  inhar- 
monious and  ungraceful  than  two  people  walking  out  of  step. 

The  general  rule  is  that  the  lady  precedes  the  gentleman,  and  in  entering 
a  door  it  is  his  duty  to  open  it  and  allow  her  to  enter  first.  When  two  gen- 
tlemen walk  with  the  same  lady,  one  walks  upon  her  right  and  the  other 
upon  her  left,  but  a  lady  should  not  take  the  arms  of  two  men,  nor  should 
two  ladies  take  the  arms  of  one  gentleman,  except  in  passing  through  a  crowd 
or  upon  the  street  in  the  evening.  In  passing  a  lady  the  gentleman  gives 
her  the  wall  side;  if  the  lady  is  accompanied  by  a  gentleman,  he  passes  on 
the  side  of  the  lady. 

In  going  up  and  down  stairs  in  company  with  a  lady,  the  gentleman  pre- 
cedes her,  unless  she  chooses  take  his  arm,  in  which  case  he  offers  his  right, 
unless  there  is  some  reason  in  the  form  of  the  stairway,  for  giving  his  left. 

A  gentleman  always  offers  to  carry  a  ladies  packages  while  walking  with 
her,  but  a  wise  woman  will  not  permit  her  escort  to  burden  himself  to  an 
annoying  degree.  Nothing  is  more  dangerous  than  to  impose  on  a  gentle- 
man's gallantry.  He  submits  gracefully  of  course,  but  takes  care  to  avoid 
a  repetition  of  the  encounter. 

It  ought  not  to  be  necessary  to  write  as  a  rule  of  decorum  for  American 
girls,  that  public  flirtations  are  not  only  vulgar  and  rude,  but  dangerous. 
The  peculiar  freedom  which  is  granted  to  unmarried  girls  in  America  is  a 
mark  of  confidence  in  their  discretion,  but  this  liberty  is  not  license,  and 
those  who  abuse  it  do  so  at  their  peril.  Bold  coquetries,  with  indecorum 
and  a  seeming  desire  to  approach  as  near  as  possible  to  sin  without  sinning, 
if  they  have  no  other  evil  result,  have  a  hurtful  effect  on  manners  and  char- 
acter, and,  worst  of  all,  rob  the  young  girl  of  the  distinctive  charm  of 
modesty,  which  is  so  alluring  to  honorable  men,  and  which  goes  far  to  insure 
her  a  future  of  happiness,  peace  and  virtue.  Flirtations  on  the  street,  flirta- 
tions with  strangers,  the  bold,  free  eye,  which  speaks  what  the  lips  would 
not  dare  to  utter,  the  slangy  conversation,  the  fast  manners,  the  flaunting 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  267 

dress,  and  the  love  of  notoriety,  are  characteristics  of  the  fast  school  of  girls, 
who,  while  they  may  escape  vice  itself,  do  not  fear  to  wear  the  semblance 
of  it. 

Eiding  is  a  delightful  recreation,  developing  the  strength  and  stirring  the 
blood  as  no  other  exercise  does.  To  be  enjoyed  to  its  fullest  extent,  it  must 
be  practiced  frequently,  and  horse  and  rider  must  know  each  other.  A  lady 
who  has  a  secure  seat  is  never  prettier  than  when  in  the  saddle,  and  she  who 
cannot  make  her  conquests  there,  may  despair  of  the  power  of  her  charms 
elsewhere.  A  picture,  fair  enough  to  inspire  a  love  for  equestrianism,  is 
that  which  Shakespeare  gives  of  handsome  Prince  Hal : 

"I  saw  young  Harry — with  his  beaver  on, 
His  cuisses  on  his  thighs,  gallantly  arm'd — 
Rise  from  the  ground  like  feather'd  Mercury, 
And  vaulted  with  such  ease  into  his  seat, 
As  if  an  angel  dropped  down  from  the  clouds, 
To  turn  and  Avind  a  fiery  Pegasus, 
And  witch  the  world  with  noble  horsemanship." 

The  advice  never  to  venture  into  the  water  until  one  has  learned  to  swim, 
is  equally  timely  here.  The  novice  who  appears  in  public  is  a  spectacle  for 
gods  and  men.  The  first  appearance  in  the  saddle  is  rediculously  awkward, 
and  it  is  only  by  practice  that  a  secure  seat  is  acquired.  The  old  rhyme — 

"Keep  up  your  head  and  your  heart, 

Your  hands  and  your  heels  keep  down, 
Press  your  knees  close  to  your  horse's  sides, 
And  your  elbows  close  to  your  own"— 

embodies  about  all  the  instructions  that  help  the  learner,  but  there  is  a  vast 
difference  between  knowing  what  to  do  on  horseback,  and  being  able  to  do 
it  intuitively  and  without  thought.  This  comes  only  by  patient  practice. 
Success  is  a  sufficient  reward  for  all  the  pains  of  learning. 

In  riding  with  a  lady,  it  is  the  gentleman's  duty  to  assist  her  to  the  sad- 
dle before  mounting.  This  service  does  not  belong  to  a  groom,  but  always 
to  the  escort.  The  lady  places  herself  on  the  near  side  of  the  horse,  with  her 
face  toward  the  horse's  head,  her  right  hand  on  the  pommel  of  the  saddle, 
and  her  left  holding  her  gathered  skirt.  The  gentleman  faces  her,  standing 
at  the  horse's  shoulder  and  offers  his  right  hand,  into  which  she  places  her 
right  foot,  and  springs  into  the  saddle,  he  assisting  her  by  lifting  her  weight 


268  AV  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

just  when  the  force  of  her  spring  has  brought  her  to  an  erect  position,  being 
careful  not  to  exert  so  much  force  that  the  impulse  will  carry  her  over  to  the 
other  side.  He  next  places  her  left  foot  in  the  stirrup,  smooths  the  skirt  of 
her  habit,  and  is  then  ready  to  mount  himself.  In  riding,  the  gentleman 
must  remember  that  to  the  lady,  encumbered  as  she  is  by  a  long  habit,  and 
by  custom  required  to  take  a  position  which  at  best  gives  only  an  insecure 
seat,  the  sport  is  somewhat  perilous,  even  to  the  best  of  riders.  Add  to  this 
the  fact  that  few  women  know  where  the  real  danger  lies,  and  are  therefore 
reckless  riders  when  there  is  danger  and  timid  where  no  danger  exists,  and  he 
will  understand  something  of  the  responsibility  he  assumes  in  inviting  a 
lady  to  ride.  It  is  his  duty  to  see  that  her  horse  is  safe,  that  her  stirrup  is 
so  constructed  that  her  foot  may  be  easily  released  in  case  of  accident,  and 
that  no  temptation  leads  him  to  excite  her  horse  beyond  a  safe  pace.  If  the 
lady  rides  her  own  horse,  the  case  is  different,  and  he  may  more  safely  trust 
her  to  decide  upon  the  pace. 

The  gentleman  rides  upon  the  lady's  right.  In  meeting  friends,  do  not 
turn  to  ride  with  them  without  being  first  assured  that  your  company  is 
desired,  and  in  overtaking  others  the  same  rule  is  binding.  In  passing,  rein 
to  your  right  so  as  to  pass  on  the  off  side,  and  in  meeting  both  rein  to  the 
right. 

After  the  ride,  the  gentleman  must  assist  the  lady  to  dismount.    As  soon 

* 

as  she  has  freed  her  knee  from  the  pommel,  and  is  certain  that  her  habit  is 
all  free  from  the  saddle,  he  takes  her  left  hand  in  his  right,  and  gives  his 
left  hand  as  a  step  for  her  foot,  which  has  just  been  disengaged  from  the 
stirrup.  This  hand  he  lowers  gently  until  she  reaches  the  ground  with  her 
right  foot,  without  springing  from  the  saddle.  When  a  lady  rides  attended 
by  a  groom,  he  follows  a  little  distance  after. 

In  driving  with  a  lady,  the  gentleman  assists  her  to  the  seat,  and  then 
takes  his  own.  In  entering  a  carriage,  the  lady  takes  her  place  on  the  seat 
facing  the  horses,  the  gentleman  taking  the  seat  opposite,  being  careful  to 
enter  the  carriage  so  as  to  avoid  the  awkwardness  of  turning  around.  Care 
must  be  taken  by  the  lady  to  gather  her  skirts  out  of  harm's  way,  and  by 
the  gentleman  lest  he  tread  on  them  or  shut  them  in  in  closing  the  door. 
In  alighting,  the  gentleman  descends  first,  and  hands  the  lady  out.  This 
descent  from  a  carriage  the  well-bred  lady  manages  without  stepping  on 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  269 

her  dress,  or  stumbling,  or  jumping  to  the  ground,  but,  lifting  her  dress  to 
give  her  foot  play,  she  steps  quietly  and  gracefully,  resting  her  hand  lightly 
but  firmly  in  the  hand  of  her  escort. 

Ladies,  and  gentlemen,  too,  who  are  riding  with  another  who  holds  the 
reins,  should  bear  in  mind  that  gentlemen  are  almost  always  sensitive  about 
their  manner  of  driving,  and  receive  any  suggestions  with  bad  grace.  To 
speak  to  the  horse,  or  touch  the  reins,  even  when  there  is  real  danger,  is  un- 
pardonable, as  it  only  increases  the  danger  of  losing  control  of  the  horse. 
The  driver  must  drive,  while  his  companion  remains  passive.  If  you  dislike 
or  distrust  his  horsemanship,  you  are  at  liberty  to  decline  future  invitations 
to  ride,  in  case  you  escape  with  your  life  the  first  time. 

In  church,  the  generally  recognized  sacredness  of  the  place  suggests  a 
quiet  and  respectful,  if  not  devout,  behavior.  Even  if  devoid  of  religious 
sentiment,  a  decent  respect  for  the  opinions  and  feelings  of  others,  would  be 
sufficient  to  decide  the  well-bred  as  to  what  is  proper  and  polite.  Haste  or 
confusion,  always  impolite,  is  utterly  unpardonable  in  church.  The  hat 
must  be  removed  on  entering  the  outer  door.  There  should  be  no  laughing, 
conversation  or  whispering,  even  outside  the  doors,  especially  when  it  might 
disturb  worshippers.  It  is  ill-bred  to  be  late.  A  gentleman  and  lady  pass 
up  the  aisle  together  to  the  pew,  the  lady  entering  first.  During  service  there 
must  be  silence,  and  a  decorous  conformance  to  the  mode  of  worship.  If  a 
gentleman  accompanies  a  Roman  Catholic  lady  to  a  church  of  her  own 
faith,  he  may  offer  her  the  holy  water  with  his  ungloved  right  hand.  At  the 
conclusion  of  the  service,  there  should  be  no  haste  or  crowding.  In  the 
vestibule  friendly  greetings  are  in  order,  but  these  should  be  tempered  with 
a  respect  for  sacredness  of  the  place.  Men  who  congregate  at  the  doors,  and 
compel  ladies  to  march  before  them  like  troops  at  inspection,  are  not  worthy 
of  the  name  of  gentlemen.  They  are  rowdies,  whatever  their  exterior 
appearance. 

There  is  no  place  where  kindly  courtesies  to  strangers  are  so  appropriate 
as  in  church,  and  no  where  else  is  the  snubbishness  that  fawns  on  the  rich 
and  well-dressed  and  snubs  the  poor,  so  utterly  contemptible  as  in  these 
temples  built  to  the  honor  of  Him  who  was  born  in  a  manger.  It  is  usually 
the  sexton's  duty  to  provide  seats  for  strangers,  but  if  a  stranger  enters,  it  is 
courteous  for  any  one  to  offer  him  a  seat.  Other  attentions,  such  as-pro- 


270  IN  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

viding  him  with  a  book,  and  finding  the  place  in  the  service  book,  when  he 
is  evidently  not  familiar  with  the  forms,  or  sharing  the  book,  when  only  one 
is  provided,  are  pleasant  and  kindly  offices.  It  is  always  best  for  the 
stranger  in  entering  a  church  to  wait  for  the  sexton  to  conduct  him  to  a  seat, 
as  he  knows  best  what  seat  can  conveniently  be  so  disposed  of.  In  visiting 
a  church  of  a  different  belief  pay  the  utmost  respect  to  the  services,  and 
conform  to  the  movements  as  far  as  convenient,  even  if  some  of  them  seem 
grotesque  and  absurd.  They  are  sacred  to  the  people  with  whom  you  are 
worshipping,  and  a  smile  or  look  of  disapproval  might  give  pain. 

In  visiting  the  studio  of  an  artist,  it  must  be  remembered  that  while  open 
to  the  public  it  is  in  a  sense  private,  and  no  pictures  which  are  not  displayed 
for  public  inspection  are  to  be  examined  without  permission,  whether  hung 
face  to  the  wall -or  enclosed  in  portfolios.  Young  children  are  out  of  place 
in  a  studio,  as  they  may  unwittingly  do  great  harm,  and,  even  if  they  do 
not,  will  keep  the  artist  in  an  agony  of  apprehension.  It  is  always  rude  and 
annoying  to  stand  behind  an  artist,  watching  him  at  his  work.  It  makes 
correct  work  impossible  to  a  man  of  sensitive  nerves.  Above  all  remember 
that  the  artist's  time  is  of  the  greatest  value,  and  take  care  not  to  disturb 
him  at  his  work.  It  takes  hours,  sometimes,  to  get  the  steadiness  of  hand 
that  gives  the  artist's  touch,  and  the  hours  of  daylight  are  all  precious.  If 
you  are  a  purchaser,  be  business-like  and  prompt.  If  you  have  any  words 
of  praise  let  them  be  well  chosen,  simple,  and  above  all,  appreciative.  Ex- 
travagant praise  is  always  received  by  sensible  people  with  incredulity,  if 
not  with  disgust,  and  shows  a  lack  of  judgment  and  good  breeding.  Com- 
mendation that  hits  upon  and  points  out  real  merit,  is  always  agreeable  and 
helpful.  In  making  an  appointment  for  a  sitting  for  a  portrait,  there  is  the 
same  necessity  for  promptness  that  exists  in  the  case  of  a  business  engage- 
ment, and  any  loss  of  time  which  your  neglect  occcasions  the  artist  should 
be  your  loss,  not  his.  In  galleries  of  art,  gentle  and  unostentatious  manners 
are  at  a  premium,  because  most  people  who  really  love  art,  are  well-bred. 
Loud  talking  and  laughing  are  out  of  place,  because  they  disturb  those  who 
come  to  study  and  enjoy  the  treasures  that  are  displayed  to  their  view. 
Comments,  which  are  intended  to  display  profound  knowledge  and  the 
power  of  the  keen  critic,  will  generally  convince  all  listeners  of  the  stupidity 
and  dense  ignorance,  as  well  as  the  bad  manners,  of  the  talker.  It  is  rude 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  271 

to  unnecessarily  obstruct  the  view  of  others  by  standing  before  a  picture, 
while  engaged  in  conversation,  or  in  any  way  to  ignore  the  rights  of  others 
who  are  present. 

An  invitation  to  the  theatre,  concert,  opera,  or  any  public  place  of  amuse- 
ment, should  be  given  by  the  gentleman  a  day  or  two  in  advance,  and  the 
reply  of  the  lady  should  be  immediate.  The  form  and  manner  of  the  invi- 
tation depends  on  the  degree  of  intimacy  that  exists  between  the  parties.  If 
the  acquaintance  is  slight,  a  formal  note  sent  by  a  messenger,  and  written  in 
the  third  person,  is  proper,  as:  " Mr.  J.  H.  Jones  requests  the  honor  of  Miss 
Susan  Harcourt's  company  for  the  opera,  '  II  Trovatore,'  on  Wednesday 
evening,  at  Music  Hall."  If  on  terms  of  friendly  intercourse,  an  informal 
note  is  in  good  form,  and  generally  more  agreeable,  when  a  personal  invita- 
tion is  not  convenient.  The  gentleman  must  remember  that  it  is  a  favor  and 
a  compliment  that  he  offers  the  lady,  at  least  from  his  standpoint,  and  that 
the  essential  thing  is  to  make  himself  clearly  understood  in  the  simplest  and 
clearest  manner  possible,  while,  at  the  same  time,  treating  the  lady  with  the 
greatest  deference  and  respect.  The  lady  is  bound  to  receive  the  invitation 
as  a  favor  and  compliment  offered  in  good  faith,  and,  though  at  liberty  to 
accept  or  to  decline,  for  good  reason,  she  mnst  do  either  kindly  and  with 
thanks.  Shy  young  men  find  these  invitations  difficult  to  manage,  at  first, 
but  they  soon  learn  that  ladies  accept  the  escort  of  young  men  who  have  the 
appearance  and  manners  of  gentlemen,  with  a  good  deal  of  alacrity,  and  the 
shyness  wears  off.  The  reply  of  the  lady  should  be  formal  or  informal, 
according  to  the  style  of  the  invitation.  Verbal  invitations  should  always 
be  simple  and  frank,  as  any  attempt  at  high-sounding  phrases  or  studied 
formalities  in  conversation  are  absurd  and  ridiculous.  Directness  is  the  best 
rule  in  such  matters,  in  both  invitations  and  replies.  After  an  invitation 
has  been  accepted,  it  is  the  duty  of  the  gentleman  to  secure  reserved  seats, 
in  an  eligible  position,  so  that  the  lady  who  does  him  the  honor  to  accept 
his  escort  may  both  see  and  hear.  In  entering  the  audience-room,  the 
couple  walk  down  the  aisle  together,  if  wide  enough  ;  if  not,  he  leads,  until 
the  seats  are  reached,  when  the  lady  passes  to  the  inner  seat,  he  occupying 
the  outer  one,  unless  for  some  reason  the  outer  seat  is  the  most  desirable, 
when  it  would,  of  course,  be  courteous  to  offer  it,  giving  the  reason  why  it  is 
preferable.  In  nearly  all  places  of  public  amusement,  it  is  now  the 


272  IN  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

to  reserve  seats.  Where  seats  are  reserved,  ushers  are  always  in  attendance, 
and  in  this  case  the  couple  have  only  to  follow  the  guide.  Once  seated,  the 
gentleman  does  not  leave  the  lady's  side  during  the  performance.  Repairing 
to  the  bar  or  refreshment-room  between  acts,  or  going  out  "  to  see  a  man," 
leaving  the  lady  alone,  it  need  scarcely  be  said,  is  an  insult  which  any  lady 
would  be  likely  to  resent.  If  it  is  a  promenade  concert,  the  lady  may  be 
invited  to  promenade,  but  if  she  declines,  the  gentleman  retains  his  seat  by 
her  side.  The  duty  of  a  gentleman  who  escorts  a  lady  to  any  place  of  public 
amusement  is  solely  to  the  lady  in  his  charge.  He  is  not  expected  to  give 
up  his  seat  to  any  other  lady,  nor  to  allow  anything  to  detract  his  attention 
from  the  sole  business  of  the  evening — entertaining  his  companion.  Between 
acts  conversation  is  in  order,  if  carried  on  in  a  low  tone,  but  while  the  acts 
are  on  there  is  no  greater  rudeness  than  conversation  or  whispering,  because 
it  distracts  the  attentions  of  others,  and  robs  them  of  the  enjoyment  of  the 
play  which  their  money  has  paid  for.  The  general  rule  is  that  any  conduct 
that  would  be  likely  to  attract  the  attention  of  others,  and  make  a  couple  or 
a  lady  conspicuous,  is  in  bad  taste,  at  any  time,  in  any  public  audience.  At 
the  opera,  the  lady  should  be  provided  with  a  libretto,  and  at  the  theatre  a 
programme  is  a  convenience.  If  the  evening  is  stormy  a  carriage  should  be 
provided,  and  at  any  time,  especially  for  the  opera,  a  carriage  is  in  order,  if 
the  means  of  the  gentleman  will  permit,  and  care  should  be  taken  that  it 
arrives  in  time,  as  late  arrivals  at  any  entertainment  are  rude,  because  a  dis- 
turbance to  those  of  the  audience  who  are  thoughtful  and  considerate  enough 
to  be  in  their  seats  when  the  curtain  rises.  If  the  means  of  a  gentleman 
will  not  permit  him  to  indulge  in  the  luxury  of  a  carriage,  he  should  confine 
his  invitations  to  amusements  where  ladies  are  not  expected  to  appear  in 
full  dress,  as  at  the  opera,  because  the  protection  of  the  dress  renders  a  car- 
riage a  necessity ;  unless,  indeed,  the  lady  is  independent  and  considerate 
enough  to  understand  the  situation,  and  to  respect  a  man  who  does  not  allow 
pride  to  get  the  better  of  prudence.  In  passing  out  at  the  end  of  the  per- 
formance, the  gentleman  walks  beside  or  precedes  the  lady,  and  as  he  takes 
his  leave  asks  permission  to  call  on  her  the  next  day,  which  permission,  she 
of  course  grants.  She  will  also  take  care  to  express  the  pleasure  his  invita- 
tion has  given  her,  and  even  if  the  performance  merits  criticism,  she  should 
seek  for  points  for  praise  rather  than  criticism. 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  273 

At  fairs  and  festivals,  given  for  churches,  there  are  some  rules  that  ought 
always  to  be  observed.  Loud  talking  and  laughing  and  boisterous  conduct 
is  always  out  of  place,  here  as  well  as  elsewhere.  All  criticism  of  articles 
exhibited  for  sale  is  out  of  place.  Your  comments  might  spoil  a  sale.  If 
the  price  named  for  an  article  does  not  please  you,  or  if  you  cannot  afford  it, 
it  is  not  the  place  to  haggle  for  a  reduction.  Buy  and  pay  for  it  or  leave  it. 
If  an  article  is  worthy  of  praise,  it  may  give  pleasure  to  the  maker  or  to 
others  to  name  its  merits  appreciatively.  The  gentleman  will,  of  course, 
remove  his  hat  in  such  an  assemblage  as  this,  as  in  all  places,  in-doors, 
where  ladies  are  present.  Any  display  of  money,  by  making  extravagant 
purchases  with  a  flourish,  is  in  bad  taste,  and  the  worst  kind  of  shoddyism. 
It  is  entirely  proper  for  a  gentleman  to  refuse  any  change  that  may  be  due 
when  purchasing  articles,  but  not  obligatory.  The  purchase  is  a  business 
transaction  simply,  the  charity  part,  in  theory  at  least,  belongs  to  those  who 
display  their  wares  temptingly  for  sale,  and  not  to  the  buyers. 

Ladies  who  preside  at  tables  are  sometimes  tempted  to  charge  extrava- 
gant prices  on  articles  for  sale,  or  to  put  special  prices  on  articles  which  they 
hope  to  induce  gentlemen  over  whom  they  have  influence  to  buy,  or  not  to 
return  change  due,  or  to  use  unfair  means  to  make  a  sale,  for  the  sake  of 
being  able  to  report  handsome  profits.  This  is  not  only  unbusiness-like,  but 
unlady-like,  and  be  assured  that  however  gallantly  gentlemen  submit  to  be 
robbed  by  your  fair  hands,  they  write  it  down  in  their  memories  against 
you.  It  hurts  a  man's  pride  to  be  overreached  in  a  bargain,  and  only  perfect 
fairness  in  business  transactions  retains  the  friendship  and  good  will  of  those 
with  whom  men  deal.  A  trick  that  will  lose  a  business  man  a  customer, 
will,  if  played  by  a  lady  at  a  church  fair,  when  the  advantages  are  all  on  her 
side,  be  very  likely  to  lose  her  a  friend  or  acquaintance.  The  worthiness  of 
the  cause  does  not  excuse  unfair  means;  indeed,  the  cause  ought  to  be  a 
guarantey  of  perfect  honesty  and  fairness. 

Picnics  may  be  given,  as  parties  are,  by  a  single  person  or  family,  who 
issue  the  invitations,  and  provide  the  refreshments,  or  they  may  be  made  up 
by  several  families  or  couples,  each  of  which  contribute  to  the  supplies.  In 
both  cases,  the  main  consideration  is  to  provide  enough  to  eat  and  drink, 
estimates  being  made  up  with  reference  to  the  vigorous  appetites  which  life,, 
even  for  a  few  hours,  in  the  open  air,  is  sure  to  give.  Invitations  to  picnicsr 


274  IN  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CES. 

when  given  by  individuals,  ought  to  be  issued  several  days  in  advance,  to 
allow  time  to  fill  vacancies,  if  any  should  send  regrets.  Provide  convey- 
ances for  all  guests,  with  protection  against  the  contingency  of  rain.  Pro- 
visions should  be  sent  in  a  separate  conveyance,  when  possible,  in  charge 
of  one  or  two  servants,  whose  duty  it  will  be  to  look  after  them  and  attend 
to  such  services  as  might  be  burdensome  on  others.  The  chief  charm  of  a 
picnic,  however,  is  the  part  which  each  lady  and  gentleman  is  forced  to 
take  in  the  preparations  for  dinner,  and  in  any  arrangements  for  the  general 
enjoyment  of  the  party.  At  dinner  the  gentlemen  serve  as  amateur  waiters. 
If  the  picnic  is  a  mutual  affair,  the  gentlemen  provide  conveyances  and 
such  supplies  as  do  not  require  the  manipulation  of  the  cook.  The  ladies 
provide  the  rest,  and  such  simple  table  furniture  as  is  absolutely  necessary. 
The  dress,  at  the  seaside  and  at  fashionable  resorts,  is  the  morning  dress  for 
ladies,  and  light  suits,  with  straw  or  felt  hats,  for  gentlemen ;  but  generally 
the  greatest  latitude  in  dress  is  allowed.  After  dinner,  singing,  dancing,  if 
an  orchestra  has  been  provided,  and  games  of  all  kinds,  are  in  order.  The 
company,  if  small,  selects  amusements  that  employ  and  amuse  all ;  if  larger, 
little  coteries  are  formed,  each  following  its  own  bent,  and  amusing  its  mem- 
bers in  its  own  way.  Nowhere  do  real  accomplishments,  such  as  singing, 
musical  talents,  skill  at  games,  rowing,  archery,  or  even  conversation  or 
witty  retort,  count  far  more  than  at  a  picnic.  In  organizing  a  picnic,  there 
must  be  some  system,  in  order  to  provide  a  variety  of  dishes,  and  it  is  usual 
to  have  a  committee  of  arrangements,  who  learn  what  each  lady  of  the  party 
intends  to  furnish,  so  as  to  supply  deficiencies,  and  prevent  too  much  of  any 
one  article.  The  following  hints  to  picnickers,  from  that  admirable  book, 
"  Buckeye  Cookery,"  will  prove  of  value  as  suggestions: 

"  Provide  two  baskets,  one  for  the  provisions,  and  the  other  for  dishes  and 
utensils,  which  should  include  the  following:  Table-cloth  and  an  oil-cloth  to 
put  under  it,  napkins,  towels,  plates,  cups,  forks,  a  few  knives  and  table- 
spoons, tea-spoons,  sauce  dishes,  tin  cups,  (or  tumblers,  if  the  picnickers 
are  of  the  over-fastidious  variety) ;  tin  bucket,  for  water,  in  which  a  bottle 
of  cream,  lemons,  oranges,  or  other  fruit,  may  be  carried  to  the  scene  of 
action;  another  with  an  extra  close  cover,  partly  filled  with  made  chocolate, 
which  may  be  readily  re-heated  by  setting  in  an  old  tin  pail  or  pan  in  which 
water  is  kept  boiling  a  la  custard-kettle ;  a  frying-pan ;  a  coffee-pot,  with  the 


IN  PUBLIC  PLACES.  275 

amount  of  prepared  coffee  needed  tied  in  a  coarse,  white  flannel  bag ;  a  tea- 
pot, with  tea  in  a  neat  paper  package ;  tin  boxes  of  salt,  pepper,  and  sugar ; 
a  tin  box  for  butter  (if  carried)  placed  next  to  a  block  of  ice,  which  should 
be  well  wrapped  with  a  blanket,  and  put  in  a  shady  corner  of  the  picnic 
wagon.  For  extra  occasions,  add  a  freezer  filled  with  frozen  cream,  with  ice 
well  packed  around  it,  and  heavily  wrapped  with  carpeting.  To  pack  the 
basket,  first  put  in  plates,  cups  and  sauce  dishes  carefolly,  with  the  towels 
and  napkins,  and  paper,  if  needed ;  then  add  the  rest,  fitting  them  in  tightly 
and  covering  all  with  the  tablecloth,  and  over  it  the  oilcloth.  Tie  the  coffee 
and  teapots,  well  wrapped  up,  and  the  fryingpan  to  the  handles.  Pack  pro- 
vision basket  as  full  as  the  law  allows,  or  as  the  nature  of  the  occasion  and 
the  elasticity  of  the  appetites  demand.  One  piece  of  good  advice  to  picnick- 
ers is  to  try  to  get  under  the  wing  of  some  good  farm-house,  where  coffee 
may  be  boiled  and  nice,  rich  cream,  green  corn,  good  water,  etc.,  may  be 
readily  foraged ;  and  for  a  Fourth  of  July  picnic,  nothing  will  taste  better 
than  a  dish  of  new  potatoes  nicely  prepared  at  the  farm-house.  But  if  not 
so  fortunate,  a  good  fire  may  be  built,  where  all  things  may  be  merrily  pre- 
pared. In  fact,  in  the  spring  and  fall,  the  fire  is  a  necessity  for  roasting  or 
broiling  game,  ham,  clams,  fish,  corn,  and  potatoes,  etc. 

"A  delicious  way  to  roast  potatoes,  birds,  or  .poultry,  or  even  fish,  is  to 
encase  them  in  a  paste  made  of  flour  and  water,  and  bake  in  the  embers  of  a 
camp-fire ;  or  build  a  fire  over  a  flat  stone,  and  when  burnt  down  to  coals, 
clear  the  stone,  lay  on  the  potatoes,  birds,  etc.,  wrapped  in  wet,  heavy  brown 
paper ;  cover  with  dry  earth,  sand,  or  ashes,  and  place  the  hot  coals  over 
these,  adding  more  fuel.  The  Gypsies^  and  Indians  roast  their  poultry  in 
mud  moulds  or  cases,  covering  feathers  and  all. 

"  The  following  bills  of  fare  may  be  picked  to  pieces,  and  re-combined  to 
suit  tastes  and  occasions: 

"  Spring  Picnics. — Cold  roast  chicken ;  ham  broiled  on  coals ;  fish  fried  or 
broiled;  tongue;  hard-boiled  eggs;  eggs  to  be  fried  or  scrambled;  Boston 
corn-bread;  buttered  rolls;  ham  sandwiches  prepared  with  grated  ham; 
orange  marmalade;  canned  peaches;  watermelon  and  beet  sweet-pickles; 
euchred  plums;  variety  of  bottled  pickles;  chow-chow;  quince  or  plum 
jelly;  raspberry  or  other  jams;  Scotch  fruit;  rolled  jelly,  chocolate,  Minne- 
haha,  old-fashioned  loaf;  and  marble  cake;  coffee,  choclate.  tea;-  cream  and 
sugar ;  salt  and  pepper ;  oranges. 


276  Itf  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

"  Summer  Picnics. — Cold,  baked,  or  broiled  chicken ;  cold  boiled  ham ; 
pickled  salmon;  cold  veal  loaf;  Parker  House  rolls;  light  bread;  box  of 
butter,  green  corn  boiled  or  roasted ;  new  potatoes ;  sliced  tomatoes ;  sliced 
cucumbers;  French  and  Spanish  pickles;  peach  and  pear  sweet-pickles, 
lemon  or  orange  jelly ;  strawberries,  raspberries,  or  blackberries ;  lemonade ; 
soda-beer  or  raspberry  vinegar ;  coffee  and  tea;  ice-cream;  lemon  or  straw- 
berry ice;  sponge,  white,  Buckeye,  or  lemon  cake;  watermelon,  muskmelon, 
nutmeg-melon.  «  « 

"Fall  Picnics. — Broiled  prairie  chicken;  fish  chowder;  clam  chowder 
clams  roasted  or  fried ;  beef  omelet ;  cold  veal  roast ;  sardines ;  cold  roast 
chicken ;  pot  of  pork  and  beans ;  rusk,  Minnesota  rolls,  Boston  brown  bread ; 
potatoes,  Irish  or  sweet,  roasted  in  ashes ;  egg  sandwiches,  (hard-boiled  eggs, 
sliced,  sprinkled  with  pepper  and  salt,  and  put  between  buttered  bread)  ; 
mango  piccallili ;  Chili  sauce;  quince  marmalade ;  baked  apples,  musk  and 
nutmeg-melon;  crab-apple  jelly ;  grape  jelly;  black,  orange,  velvet,  sponge, 
and  three-ply  cake;  combination  pie." 

Archery  is  just  now  bewitching  the  fashionable  world,  and  leads  all  out- 
door games ;  and  it  is,  more  than  any  other  out-door  sport,  intended  for  the 
refined  and  the  highly  bred.  It  has  a  peculiar  charm  that  fascinates  all 
those  that  have  ever  read  anything  of  the  romance  of  the  bow.  The  his- 
torical costume  is  particularly  picturesque  and  becoming,  composed,  as  it  is, 
of  gold  and  Lincoln-green,  so  that  we  may  be  sure  that  wherever  elegance  is 
sought,  combined  with  rural  pastime,  this  aristocratic  game  will  have  the 
preference.  Archery  parties  are  therefore  likely  to  supersede  kettle-drums, 
in  the  season  when  out-door  sports  are  timely,  and  gypsying  by  the  wooded 
stream  will  have  more  attraction  for  the  city  belles  than  in-door  luncheons 
or  tea-parties. 

Archery  is  an  historic  game,  and  it  ought  to  be  the  ambition  of  every 
club  to  make  it  a  poetic  one.  Every  club  should  possess  at  least  one  work 
upon  archery,  and  this  should  be  perused  by  every  member.  Let  all 
acquaint  themselves  with  its  history,  and  learn  what  has  been  accomplished 
by  the  bow.  They  will  find  it  embellished  with  romantic  incidents,  poetic 
legends,  and  most  wonderful  feats  of  strength  and  agility.  A  little  reading 
will  be  serviceable  in  arranging  a  costume  fit  for  a  woodland  queen. 
Knowledge  creates  enthusiasm,  and  enthusiasm  colors  everthing  with  a 
glimmer  of  beauty.  Archery  clubs  ought  to  spring  up  in  every  country 
village,  as  they  have  already  in  the  large  towns  and  cities.  Village  belles 


WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE.  277 

require  something  to  attract  them  from  their  novels  and  their  close  rooms 
— something  that  will  take  them  further  from  their  day-dreaming  homes 
than  croquet  or  battledore-.  They  need  something  to  arouse  them  from  their 
meditative  life.  Archery  is  full  of  action.  It  is  far  more  invigorating  than 
croquet,  and  it  has  a  history.  It  is  fragrant  with  wild  flowers  and  tangled 
forests.  We  think  of  Robin  Hood  and  his  merry  men — 

"  All  dressed  in  Lincoln-green, 

Under  the  good  green  wood." 

» 

Every  association  is  romantic  and  inspiring,  and  besides,  it  promotes 
health,  beauty  and  grace.  Invitations  to  archery  parties  and  provisions  for 
the  entertainment  of  guests  need  not  differ  from  croquet  or  picnic  parties. 

In  boating,  as  in  riding  on  horseback,  there  is  peril,  particularly  in  sail- 
boats, and  the  difficulty  with  the  inexperienced  is  that  they  do  not  know 
when  and  where  real  danger  is.  Rowing  is  safer  than  sailing,  but  no  gentle- 
man should  invite  ladies  on  the  water  in  any  craft  unless  he  is  familiar  with 
its  management.  Above  all,  never  overload  a  boat.  If  two  gentlemen  go 
out  together,  and  one  does  not  row  well  he  should  say  so,  and  save  himself 
the  display  of  awkwardness  and  others  from  the  splashing  he  would  be 
certain  to  give  them.  In  entering,  one  gentleman  stands  in  the  boat  to 
render  assistance  to  ladies  while  the  other  aids  from  the  wharf.  In  rowing 
with  a  friend,  it  is  courteous  to  offer  him  the  choice  of  seats,  the  "  stroke  " 
oar  being  the  place  of  honor.  Ladies  are  frequently  expert  rowers,  and  in 
quiet  rivers  or  small  lakes,  where  strength  and  endurance,  are  not  likely  to 
be  needed  in  emergencies  of  danger,  it.  is  a  delightful  and  health  giving 
sport.  In  crowded  and  public  places,  it  is  more  dangerous  and  less  agree- 
able. A  proper  dress  is  necessary,  perfect  freedom  of  muscular  action  being 
necessary,  a  short  skirt,  stout  boots,  a  sailor  hat,  and  no  tight  lacing  or 
crinoline. 

Gentlemen  who  have  ladies  in  charge  in  traveling,  often  find  it  necessary 
to  remain  at  hotels.  In  all  cities,  these  are  provided  with  a  separate 
entrance  for  ladies,  with  which  drivers  of  carriages  are  familiar,  and  there 
servants  show  the  way  to  the  parlors,  where  the  gentleman  sees  the  lady 
comfortable  seated  before  seeking  the  office  to  register  names,  and  look  after 
baggage.  The  servants  at  these  hotels  are  so  numerous,  and  so  well  discip- 
lined that  is  easy  for  the  most  inexperienced  traveler  to  be  comfortable.  The 


278  WA  SHINGTON  ETIQ  UETTE. 

blunder  to  which  the  novice  is  most  liable,  is  the  failure  to  ask  questions, 
lest -he  be  thought  ignorant  of  the  ways  of  travel.  By  this  failure  he  exposes 
the  very  ignorance  he  wishes  to  conceal.  The  old  traveler,  careful  of  his 
own  comfort,  takes  the  easiest  way  to  learn  what  he  wants  to  know,  and 
asks  and  asks  again  until  he  learns  what  he,  needs  to  know.  A  courteous 
question,  as  a  rule,  calls  out  a  courteous  reply.  Besides  it  is  a  part  of  the 
duty  of  the  servants  at  a  hotel,  the  employes  of  railroads,  and,  of  policemen 
on  the  streets,  to  answer  questions  and  give  needed  information.  It  is  also 
true  that  there  are  many  peculiar  customs  at  hotels,  which  can  be  learned 
only  by  inquiry,  and  in  many  cases,  these  must  be  addressed  not  to  the  ser- 
vants but  to  clerks,  or  to  some  old  hibitue  of  the  place,  who  is  familiar  with 
its  ins  and  outs,  and  who  doubtless  delights  in  airing  his  knowledge  to  an 
eager  listener.  As  an  example,  at  many  of  the  hotels  at  fashionable  water- 
ing places,  and  in  fact  at  hotels  also  in  cities,  comfort  and  the  best  service  at 
table  is  only  secured  by  liberal  fees  to  servants.  To  place  these  fees  where 
they  will  do  the  most  good  is  often  a  question.  Sometimes  there  is  a  pre- 
scribed fee,  which  once  paid  to  the  proper  person  secures  one  the  best  places 
and  best  service  at  table,  but  if  neglected,  one  is  passed  on  to  some  table  to 
which  the  impecunious  or  obstinate  guests  are  assigned.  These  exactions 
are  winked  at  by  hotel-proprietors,  and  make  a  part  of  the  regular  profits  of 
the  servants  in  attendance.  The  exactions  may  be  unjust,  but  the  traveler 
who  consults  his  comfort  will  first  learn  and  then  conform  to  such  customs 
where  he  finds  them  well-rooted.  Of  course,  there  are  many  hotels  too  well 
regulated  to  permit  such  exactions,  and  the  number  is  growing  where  no 
fees  to  servants  are  necessary  to  secure  the  best  of  service. 

The  traveler  for  pleasure  may  as  well  make  up  his  mind  in  the  beginning 
of  his  journey  that  pleasure  and  economy  do  not  go  together  on  the  road. 
All  the  conveniences  and  luxuries  of  travel  are  open  to  those  who  spend 
money  freely  and  to  them  only.  To  be  really  comfortable  the  drawing-room 
or  sleeping-car  is  a  necessity.  There  are  found  ease,  ample  room,  and  privacy 
or  good  company,  as  one  wishes.  Arriving  at  the  journey's  end,  the  most 
comfortable  vehicles  are  the  most  costly,  and  the  best  rooms  at  the  best 
hotels  are  well  up  in  prices.  But  money,  freely  spent,  opens  all  doors.  Of 
course  one  may  go  abroad  and  spend  little  and  derive  both  pleasure  and 
profit,  but  he  who  would  be  at  ease  and  enjoy  all  the  pleasure  of  travel,  must 
carry  his  money  in  his  vest  pocket,  and  practice  his  economies  at  home. 


"  The  deeds  we  do,  the  words  we  say, 

Into  thin  air  they  seem  to  fleet; 
We  count  them  ever  past, 
But  they  shall  last." 


THERE  are  talkers  and  talkers,  as  the  French  say,  but  talking  is  not  con- 
versation. There  are  those  who  are  so  enamoured  of  the  sound  of  their 
voices  that  they  never  leave  off  prating — their  tongues  running  apparently 
by  their  own  momentum  when  once  started  by  volition.  Such  people 
always  have  short  memories  and  rehash  their  stories  and  arguments  until 
their  staleness  is  beyond  endurance.  There  are  others  who  are  too  silent, 
and  fail  to  contribute  their  fair  share  to  the  common  entertainment.  These 
two  extremes  are  the  Scylla  and  Charybdis  of  conversation.  To  talk  often, 
but  never  long,  and  to  be  a  good  but  not  a  silent  listener — giving  an 
intelligent  and  appreciative  attention — is  the  most  comprehensive  rule. 

There  is  no  mental  stimulant  like  social  contact.  Bright  minds  grow 
brighter  under  the  subtle,  magnetic  influence  of  other  minds,  and  the 
sparks  of  wit  fly  as  surely  as  fire  flashes  when  flint  strikes  steel.  Fine 
talkers  are  a  constant  surprise  to  themselves.  The  best  things  they  say  are 
spontaneous,  and  cost  no  thought.  Great  minds  are  generally  developed  in 
groups  rather  than  singly,  and  talent  grows  nowhere  so  luxuriantly  as  in 
the  atmosphere  of  discourse  and  discussion.  Conversation  requires  a  certain 
alertness  of  mind,  a  quick  command  of  resources,  that  becomes  habitual  by 
constant  contact  with  men.  This  social  contact  broadens  and  frees  the 
mind  from  the  clogs  of  prejudice.  Even  the  greatest  minds  know  Jittle  of 


280  CON  VERSA  TIOX. 

the  sources  of  their  power.  After  gathering  their  knowledge  into  the  great 
store-house  of  memory,  now  from  books,  now  from  men  who  meet  to  give 
and  take  ideas,  they  give  forth  great  works  which  establish  their  fame.  The 
greatest  genius  owes  more  than  is  acknowledged  to  other  minds. 

One  person,  who  is  master  of  the  art  of  conversation,  can  lead  a  social 
circle,  and.  sustain  for  weeks,  even,  the  gayety  of  the  dullest  society,  as  the 
genial  sunshine  puts  men  into  pleasant  relations  with  each  other.  This 
power  is  variously  credited  to  personal  magnetism,  natural  gifts,  or  a  kindly 
heart,  but,  like  other  sources  of  power,  it  is  rather  the  result  of  a  judicious 
cultivation  of  talents,  which  all  who  are  likely  to  have  an  ambition  to  rise, 
possess  to  a  greater  or  less  degree.  The  world  is  full  of  people  who  have 
kindly  hearts  and  active  brains,  and  who  could  achieve  social  eminence  for 
themselves,  while  stimulating  and  elevating  others,  if  they  knew  how  to 
command  their  resources  in  conversation,  and  to  present  their  ideas 
attractively  and  with  tact. 

The  tendency  of  the  present  time  is  to.  base  all  laws  of  social  intercourse 
on  individual  dignity  and  bearing,  rather  than  upon  artificial  matters  of 
rank  and  position.  For  this  reason,  whatever  is  artificial  in  manner  or  con- 
versation, may  as  well  be  laid  aside  in  the  beginning.  An  air  of  superiority 
and  exaction  of  deference  to  supposed  inferiority  is  ill-bred.  Simplicity  is 
the  foundation  on  which  all  graces  of  person,  dress*  and  conversation  must 
be  built.  With  this  kept  closely  in  mind  it  is  not  more  difficult  to  master 
the  art  of  conversation  than  to  master  grammar  or  mathematics.  It  is  easy 
to  over-estimate  present  attainments,  but  scarcely  possible  to  over-estimate 
possible  attainments.  As  the  vast  volume  of  the  Mississippi  is  the  result  of 
the  combination  of  tens  of  thousands  of  springs  and  rivulets,  so  knowledge 
of  any  sort,  the  mastery  of  whicti  seems  a  colossal  undertaking  to  one  who 
begins  at  the  rudiments,  is  a  matter  of  slow  and  steady  accretions.  The 
man  or  woman  who  talks  well  has  at  command  a  means  of  success  that  out- 
weighs birth  and  fortune.  Wealth  that  is  not  the  result  of  one's  own 
successful  labor  seldom  ministers  to  growth  of  character  or  real  enjoyment, 
and  rank  or  social  position  is. purely  artificial;  but  the  pleasure  of  well 
sustained  social  intercourse  never  loses  its  zest,  and  the  power  which  belongs 
to  personal  influence  confers  the  most  real  and  lasting  pleasure.  The 
woman  who  not  only  talks  well,  but  has  the  tact  to  make  others  talk  well, 


CONVERSATION.  281 

will  be  the  center  of  a  circle  of  admirers,  whatever  her  attractions  of  person, 
and  this,  too,  like  dancing,  is  learned  by  practice.  Having  learned  the 
resources  of  conversation,  it  is  only  necessary  to  practice  whenever 
opportunity  occurs,  and  that  ease  of  manner  and  self-possession  is  acquired 
which  will  enable  one  to  be  master  of  himself  in  any  presence.  One  thing 
is  certain,  no  man  can  give  himself  in  earnest  to  success  in  mastering  the 
art  of  conversation  without  ridding  himself  of  habits  which  mar  the  im- 
pression he  makes  on  others  and  in  society ;  nor  does  the  practice  necessary 
to  acquire  the  art  demand  any  loss  of  time.  On  the  contrary  it  results  in  a 
great  saving  of  time.  Those  who  converse  correctly  and  concisely,  with  a 
knowledge  of  the  strict  meaning  of  the  words  they  use,  say  much  in  little, 
and  induce  others  to  talk  clearly  and  intelligibly.  Even  in  bargaining,  men 
who  are  good  talkers  come  more  quickly  to  terms.  The  man  who  blunders 
in  his  talk  exposes  himself  alike  to  the  boot-black  and  to  the  elegant  lady 
with  whom  he  exchanges  a  few  words ;  while,  with  perfect  courtesy  and  per- 
fect simplicity,  the  man  who  says  clearly  and  concisely  just  what  he  wants 
to  say,  makes  everybody,  high  or  humble,  feel  his  mental  power  and 
culture.  But  language  reflects  the  heart  and  life,  and  to  correct  defects  of 
conversation  it  is  necessary  to  correct  the  defects  which  underlie.  In  avoid- 
ing abusive  expressions  one  ceases  to  think  evil  of  others.  To  talk  well  it  is 
necessary  to  acquire  that  delicate  morality  of  the  heart  which  leads  to  kind- 
ness, and  that  charity  of  judgment  which  is  closely  allied  to  good  taste  in 
all  matters  of  life,  literature  and  art.  Good  talkers  not  only  impart  to  each 
other  what  they  themselves  know,  but  what  they  themselves  are. 

The  best  talkers  are  always  the  best  listeners.  Polyhymnie,  the  muse  of 
eloquence,  is  represented  with  her  forefinger  on  her  lips,  to  signify  that  wise 
silence  best  sets  off  the  most  eloquent  utterances.  Wit,  pathos,  and  elo- 
quence do  not  win  unless  relieved  by  a  "  few  brilliant  flashes  of  silence." 
With  dull  people  it  is  best  to  talk  little,  simply  leading  to  subjects  in  regard 
to  which  they  can  teach  something.  In  all  social  intercourse,  patience  and 
self-command  will  stand  you  in  good  stead.  If  you  meet  an  inveterate 
talker,  take  care  that  what  you  do  say  is  to  the  point.  "  We  seldom  get  into 
trouble  by  saying  too  little,  but  often  by  saying  too  much."  Deference  wins 
with  all;  to  equals  it  is  exquisite  praise;  when  paid  by  children  to  parents, 
or  the  young  to  those  older  than  themselves,  it  is  a  delicate  and  beautiful 


282  CON  VERSA  TION. 

tribute  to  superior  age,  wisdom,  and  experience.  In  listening,  the  expres- 
sion means  everything;  a  stony  stare,  or  a  looking  to  the  right  or  left,  or  an 
appearance  of  abstraction,  is  discourteous.  A  kindly,  steady,  polite  resting 
of  the  eye  upon  the  speaker  shows  real  interest,  and  is  the  highest  compli- 
ment. In  talking  keep  your  distance.  To  people  of  a  sensitive  physical 
organization,  standing  too  close  will  render  it  impossible  to  listen  to  you 
comfortably.  This  is  peculiarly  the  fault  of  short-sighted  persons ;  but  there 
are  bores  who  seize  you  by  the  button,  and  crowd  upon  you,  as  if  they  feared 
you  would  break  away  from  them  if  you  got  beyond  grabbing  distance. 

To  earn  the  reputation  of  an  agreeable  talker,  discretion  is  necessary. 
The  listener  must  have  confidence  in  what  you  say.  The  tattler  and  gossip 
can  never  become  leaders.  He  who  can  keep  secrets  well,  easily  makes  and 
keeps  friends.  This  quality  in  men  is  often  sufficient  alone  to  win  the  friend- 
ship and  confidence  of  women.  It  indicates  a  certain  strength  of  character 
and  power  that  command  the  admiration  of  the  sex,  with  whom  fidelity  is  a 
cardinal  virtue.  The  reputation  of  keeping  the  most  trivial  secret  sacredly, 
if  founded  in  fact,  will  soon  win  friends  and  admirers.  The  world  is  full  of 
people  who  are  burning  to  confide  secrets,  and  they  bestow  friendship  on 
those  who  will  take  and  keep  them.  A  prying  curiosity  is  fatal  to  one  who 
wishes  to  acquire  a  reputation  for  fidelity.  The  confidence  must  come  with- 
out seeking. 

There  is  no  character  so  contemptible  as  that  of  the  gossip,  who  clutches 
at  the  slightest  pretext  for  defaming  virtue  and  despoiling  worth.  There  is 
something  in  the  mean,  low  side  of  human  nature  which  gloats  over  scandal, 
and,  by  the  fiendish  devices  of  inuendo  and  insinuation,  assail  the  reputa- 
tion of  those  who  live  on  a  higher  level.  Gossip  that  is  thoughtlessly  retailed 
from  mere  love  of  news-telling  is  often  full  of  harm,  but  that  which  is  bitter 
with  malevolence  lowers  the  human  creature  to  the  level  of  the  hyena  and 
jackal,  and  the  malevolent  gossip  ought  to  be  an  outlaw  in  any  society. 

"  Those  please  most  who  offend  least "  in  conversation.  It  is  quite  as  im- 
portant to  know  what  not  to  say,  as  to  know  what  to  say.  Some  people  who 
have  avast  fund  of  information  at  control,  and  are  masters  of  language,  fail 
to  please  for  want  of  tact.  There  must  be  established  such  a  sympathetic 
tone  that  those  addressed  may  go  away  pleased  with  themselves  and  the 
part  they  have  borne.  What  is  said  must  not  reflect  on  the  absent,  or  annoy 


CON  VERSA  TION.  283 

those  present.  To  know  as  much  as  possible  about  people,  their  fortunes, 
their  misfortunes  and  personal  history,  is  sometimes  useful,  because  to  deal 
with  me,n  one  must  know  them  thoroughly,  but  to  retail  this  knowledge  to 
others  with  a  spice  of  venom  in  it  is  contemptible.  It  requires  firmness  and 
tact  to  avoid  listening  to  gossip,  which  is  repeated  to  harm  others,  but  the 
effort  pays  in  the  immense  advantage  gained. 

The  young  man  who  is  ambitious  to  excel  in  conversation  or  manners 
may  at  once  divest  himself  of  the  impression  encouraged  by  writers  of  the 
old  school,  like  Chesterfield,  that  success  in  society  depends  on  the  outward 
semblance,  and  not  on  the  inward  character ;  in  other  words,  it  is  as  well  to 
be  a  polished  fraud  as  to  be  a  polished  gentleman.  No  greater  mistake  is 
possible.  In  no  age  have  humbugs  and  hypocrites  been  so  mercilessly 
exposed,  and  so  cordially  hated,  as  in  the  present.  The  easiest  way  to  seem 
a  gentleman  is  to  be  one,  and  the  surest  way  to  achieve  honor  as  a  leader  in 
society  is  to  deserve  it. 

Those  who  wish  to  wield  the  power  which  belongs  to  those  who  excel  in 
conversation,  must  not  neglect  dress  and  personal  appearance.  Neglected 
teeth,  frowsy  hair,  and  slovenly  dress,  will  kill  the  effect  of  the  most  brilliant 
conversation.  Half  the  effect  of  conversation  is  due  to  the  personal 
magnetism  of  the  talker,  the  play  of  feature,  the  expression  of  the  eye,  and 
the  tone  of  voice.  Want  of  neatness  creates  disgust;  besides,  a  neat  toilet 
wins  favor,  because  it  is  a  delicate  compliment  to  friends;  an  evidence  that 
you  care  for  their  good  opinion  and  wish  to  please  them.  On  the  other  hand, 
eccentricities  of  dress,  loud  jewelry  or  gay  colors,  particularly  in  the  dress 
of  men,  distract  the  attention,  and  are  seldom  set  down  to  the  credit  of  the- 
wearer.  Imitations  of  rich  ornaments  are  always  vulgar  and  "shoddy," 
and  give  people  of  taste  a  low  opinion  of  the  wearer,  which  brilliant  con- 
versation may  modify  but  cannot  wholly  change. 

Wit  is  a  dangerous  gift,  and  sarcasm  is  a  weapon  that  acts  like  a  boome- 
rang, often  to  the  damage  of  him  who  wields  it.  Men  who  are  famous  for 
keen  retorts  generally  become  positive  nuisances  in  society.  Having  won 
notoriety  by  a  single  shot  that  brought  down  fair  game,  they  generally  try 
to  sustain  and  increase  it  by  mitrailleuse  fusilade  against  the  whole  world. 
As  a  rule,  the  lower  the  grade  of  society  the  greater  the  relish. for  tart 
sayings.  The  owner  of  a  sharp  tongue  needs  to  be  gifted  with  double  wis- 
dom and  discretion,  or  it  will  surround  him  with  enemies. 


284  CONVERSATION. 

Censure  and  fault-finding  are  the  weapons  of  the  ill-bred,  against  those 
of  whose  success  they  are  envious.  There  are  people  who  have  an  eye  only 
to  the  evil  that  is  in  men.  They  seem  never  to  have  met  a  reputable  human 
being.  But  the  habit  is  fatal  to  social  success.  It  engenders  distrust  and 
bitterness,  and  helps  to  create  and  spread  the  very  faults  it  seeks  to  expose. 
The  man  or  woman  who  never  speaks  ill  of  others  is  soon  held  in  high 
esteem  as  a  noble  character.  In  society  their  words,  tempered  with  candor 
and  charity,  have  weight  and  command  attention.  The  habit  of  fault-find- 
ing is  so  insidious  in  fastening  itself  upon  men,  that  few  are  aware  of  the 
hold  it  has  on  them,  but  the  sweeter  temper  and  broader  character  that  is 

the  reward  of  those  who  conquer  it,  is  more  than  ample  recompense.    Those 

^ 
who  are  not  entirely  sincere  in  what  they  say,  will  do  well  not  to  try  flattery 

as  a  means  of  winning  friends.  The  expression  of  the  natural  feeling  of 
admiration  for  a  good  or  generous  act,  or  a  brilliant  achievement,  or  of  the 
homage  men  intuitively  pay  to  talent  or  merit  in  others,  is  safe,  and  wins 
quite  as  surely  with  the  cultured  as  with  the  rude.  But  if  there  is  any 
doubt  of  your  sincerity,  you  have  made  an  enemy.  Compliments  that  are 
coarse  hackneyed,  clumsy,  trivial  or  worn  out,  are  not  only  foolish,  but 
dangerous.  Flattery,  when  not  manifestly  a  sarcasm,  has  only  this 
redeeming  quality — it  is  evidence  of  a  desire  to  please,  however  bungling 
the  effort.  The  reputation  of  being  profuse  in  praise  is  not  a  good  one. 
Sincere  admiration,  neatly  expressed,  is  generally  accepted,  but  the  more 
indirect  and  adroit  the  compliment,  the  more  certain  it  is  of  pleasing  people 
of  brains  and  culture.  They  will  admire  the  artistic  manner,  even  when 
'they  doubt  the  sincerity  of  the  sentiment ;  when  to  artistic  manner  is  added 
sincerity,  the  compliment  is  well  nigh  irresistible.  To  praise  judiciously,  it 
is  only  necessary  to  study  character  well ;  opportunity  for  sincere  compli- 
ment will  not  be  lacking.  Admiration  expressed  for  a  quality  which  one  is 
conscious  of  possessing  is  always  appreciated  as  a  compliment.  A  glance — 
not  a  stare — but  a  respectful  and  admiring  glance,  is  a  tribute  that  beauty 
interprets  quickly.  A  beautiful  woman,  while  not  underrating  the  power  of 
charms,  is  always  delighted  to  be  admired  for  some  other  merit  or  quality. 
Those  who  lack  beauty  and  are  conscious  of  it,  are  pleased  to  know  that 
they  possess  powers  of  attraction  that  makes  beauty  surp^rfluous — intelli- 
gence, spirit,  accomplishments,  fine  tastes.  Most  people  value  highest, 


CON  VERSA  TION.  285 

qualities  which  they  possess  in  a  small  degree  or  not  at  all,  and  compliments 
which  help  friends  to  fortify  their  weak  points,  are  well-timed.  If  one  not 
celebrated  for  wit  says  a  good  thing,  a  notice  of  it  is  highly  appreciated,  and 
helps  him  to  cultivate  wit.  Praise  in  one's  absence  is  perhaps  the  most 
pleasing,  because  no  doubt  of  its  sincerity  clouds  it.  There  is  no  harm  and 
much  good  in  promoting  kindly  feelings  among  men.  There  is  something 
attractive,  something  good,  in  all  characters,  and  to  find  it  and  bring  it  to 
notice,  to  encourage  its  growth  at  the  expense  of  the  evil  or  unlovely,  is 
vastly  better  than  finding  only  evil  and  disagreeable  traits,  and  holding 
them  up  to  the  execration  of  one's  circle.  Every  man  and  woman  ought  to 
have  as  correct  an  estimate  of  his  or  her  own  character  and  culture  as  it  is 
possible  to  obtain.  Such  an  estimate  is  necessary  to  the  fullest  measure  of 
success  in  life.  It  gives  that  self-confidence  and  selfi-poise  which  enables 
one  to  make  the  most  of  his  time  and  talent,  and  any  aid  that  a  sincere 
friend  can  give  in  helping  one  to  a  knowledge  of  himself,  is  invaluable,  and 
cannot  come  so  acceptably  from  any  other  source.  The  attractive  qualities 
of  people  are  their  strong  points,  and  when  they  once  know  them,  they  are 
certain  to  cultivate  them  assiduously.  The  manner  in  which  compliments 
are  paid  has  quite  as  much  to  do  with  their  success  as  the  sentiment. 
Simplicity  and  unconsciousness  of  manner  in  offering  a  tribute  of  praise 
gives  no  warning,  and  the  recipient  has  no  choice  but  to  accept  it  as  frankly 
as  it  was  given,  while  those  who  smirk,  and  preface  with  a  long  preamble, 
are  usually  met  with  an  adroit  turn  that  defeats  them.  Any  struggle  after 
effect  is  fatal  to  manner. 

The  weakness  most  have  to  guard  against  in  conversation  is  egotism. 
The  man  who  dwells  on  his  own  merits  and  exploits,  becomes  the  worst  of 
bores,  and  wit,  learning,  courage,  and  even  beauty  itself,  are  spoiled  by  it. 
It  is  the  greatest  weakness  in  social  intercourse,  and  it  must  be  cured ;  con- 
cealing or  suppressing  it  does  not  suffice.  It  is  a  good  rule  never  to  speak  of 
one's  own  peculiarities.  Vanity  is  encouraged  by  gossip.  People  of  weak 
and  half-trained  minds,  having  nothing  else  to  talk  about,  talk  about  the 
trivial  personal  happenings  of  themselves  and  others,  and,  giving  so  much 
time  and  thought  to  these  trifles,  exaggerates  their  value  and  increases  the 
vice  of  vanity.  The  Jenkinses  of  society,  who  suppose  that  a  knowledge  of 
other  people's  affairs  indicates  familiarity  with  society,  are  invariably ^hisuf- 


286  CONVERSATION. 

ferable  egotists,  tolerated  and  listened  to,  but  heartily  despised.  Men  of 
more  culture  blunder  by  referring  too  frequently  to  places  they  have  seen, 
and  great  people  they  have  known..  Women,  particularly,  are  quick  at 
detecting  vanity.  There  are  times  when  the  greatest  courtesy  requires  men 
to  tell  of  what  they  they  have  seen,  and  to  deal  in  conversation  with  their 
own  peculiar  experiences,  because  they  can  confer  the  most  pleasure  by 
doing  what  would  be  out  of  place  in  the  company  of  those  of  equal  expe- 
rience. The  most  disgusting  egotism  is  the  display  of  wealth.  This  may 
be  tolerated  in  men  whose  money  is  the  fruit  of  their  own  sagacity,  but  in 
those  who  have  money  by  virtue  only  of  the  efforts  and  labors  of  others,  it 
is  insufferable  vanity.  Still  weaker  is  the  vanity  which  pretends  to  wealth 
which  does  not  exist.  It  is  an  egotism  to  lead  conversation,  or  to  talk  much 
on  a  topic  in  which  you  have  a  great  interest.  Men  who  are  known  to  have 
a  specialty  in  politics,  or  religion,  or  finance,  will  be  drawn  out  by  others 
much  oftener  than  they  ought  to  allow  themselves  the  luxury  of  speaking. 
Talking  much  on  any  subject,  in  the  knowledge  of  which  one  is  supposed  to 
excel,  is  an  egotism.  Weak  people  often  think  they  can  attract  friends  by 
making  them  confidants  under  an  injunction  of  secrecy,  but  those  who  trv 
to  make  capital  for  themselves  by  relating  their  misfortunes  or  grievances  to 
others,  always  fail  of  exciting  anything  but  sympathy.  A  still  weaker 
exposure  is  the  detailing  of  private  faults  or  vices.  Some .  French  writer 
says:  "Avoid  mention  of  yourself,  since  if  it  be  an  eulogium,  people  will 
regard  it  as  a  lie,  while  if  you  criticise  yourself,  they  will  take  you  at  your 
word." 

There  are  contradictions,  even,  that  may  be  made  with  grace,  if  manner 
and  tone  is  attended  to.  A  loud  voice,  or  a  high  key,  is  always  disagreeable 
in  conversation,  and  a  musical  tone  is  generally  attainable.  "  I  beg  your 
pardon,  sir,"  may  be  followed  courteously  by  what  would  in  ruder  phrase  be 
an  insulting  contradiction.  Any  blunt  expression  of  denial  or  doubt  should 
never  be  uttered. 

Advice  which  implies  superior  wisdom,  rather  than  a  desire  to  aid,  is  a 
common  weakness.  Above  all  things,  avoid  oratorical  talk.  The  parlor 
lecturer  is  generally  a  small  iftan,  who  loves  the  sound  of  his  own  voice. 
Any  attempt  to  lead  in  conversation  is  a  blunder.  If  you  can  talk  better 
than  others  they  will  find  it  out  readily  enough,  and  listen.  Self-constituted 


CONVERSATION.  287 

*'  lions  "  are  social  nuisances.  It  is  a  good  correction  to  note  in  others  all 
exhibitions  of  weakness,  with  a  view  to  correcting  like  faults  in  one's  self. 
Any  eccentricity,  if  an  affectation,  is  an  insufferable  vanity.  All  vanity  is 
weakness,  while  modesty  is  not  incompatible  with  a  correct  estimate  of  one's 
powers  and  merits.  One-half  of  the  dislikes  we  cherish  are  the  result  of 
whims,  and  are  ill-judged.  It  is  to  the  interest  of  every  one  to  keep  on  good 
terms  with  all  reputable  people,  and  memory  ought  always  to  be  on  the  alert 
to  recall  what  may  be  agreeable  or  serviceable  to  friends  and  acquaintances. 
Friendly  offices  make  up  the  greater  part  of  politeness.  In  society,  doing 
something  or  saying  something  for  others  banishes  bashfulness  and  self* 
consciousness,  and  teaches  one  the  absurdity  of  timidity.  Talk  of  the 
weather  or  any  trifle  until  that  leads  on  to  something  better.  The  effort  is 
due  as  an  act  of  politeness  to  your  hostess,  as  well  as  to  guests.  Kind 
inquiries  after  the  friends  and  family  of  those  one  casually  meets,  in  the 
street  or  elsewhere,  is  a  gratifying  politeness. 

It  is  well  to  be  able  to  tell  a, story  well,  but  the  reputation  ojf  a  professed 
story-teller  is  to  be  avoided.  One  or  two  stories  at  most,  while  in  the  same 
party,  is  the  limit  set  by  a  high  authority.  These  should  never  be  repeated 
to  the  same  parties  when  possible  to  avoid  it.  They  must  be  very  good  to 
command  a  laugh  on  repetition.  A  story  must  be  new  to  the  auditors,  and 
pat  in  its  application,  to  be  worth  the  telling.  In  telling  stories,  brevity, 
good,  clear  English,  and  good  taste  in  the  selection  of  only  those  details 
that  help  to  lead  to  the  climax,  are  indispensable.  To  laugh  at  the  jokes 
does  not  mar  the  effect,  but  a  giggle  or  a  laugh  that  anticipates  the  point  is 
intolerable.  The  best  story-tellers  do  not  mimic  voice  or  accent,  unless  the 
fun  of  the  story  requires  it,  and  then  exaggeration  is  avoided. 

Revamping  old  stories  by  affixing  modern  dates  is  a  fraud  which  will  be 
detected.  Anything  like  dramatic  acting  in  story-telling  is  out  of  taste, 
because  disagreeable  to  auditors.  What*  would  be  simple  enough  on  the 
stage  is  rant  in  a  parlor.  As  coarse  stories  and  rank  jokes  are  unclean,  it 
need  not  be  said  that  they  are  barred  in  the  society  of  gentlemen.  A  gentle- 
man is  a  clean  man,  body  and  soul.  Nor  is  any  slang  that  could  possibly 
create  disgust,  made  tolerable  by  preface  or  apology. 

Those  who  carry  on  conversation  by  questions  ar,e  constantly  putting 
people  into  uncomfortable  positions,  by  compelling  them  to  assume'  the 


288  CONVERSATION. 

burden  of  J*  conversation  in  relation  to  things  about  which  they  would 
prefer  not  to  talk.  Many  think  this  a  shrewd  mode  of  getting  at  people's 
opinions  without  committing  themselves.  Their  business  in  society  is  what 
the  professional  "  interviewer's  "  is  in  jouralism,  to  "  pump  "  people.  How 
do  you  like  Mr.  A?  or  what  do  you  think  of  Mrs.  B's  dress?  Such  impolite- 
ness may  be  met  with  a  self-possessed  look  of  protest,  and  an  adroit  evasion 
of  the  question.  This,  of  course,  does  not  bar  kindly  questioning,  meant  to 
draw  out  the  over-modest,  or  to  secure  the  communication  of  information 
which  will  be  entertaining  and  valuable  to  others. 

There  are  mei>  wno  cannot  appear  anywhere  without  a  display  of  impu- 
dence, which  is  invariably  a  cloak  for  weakness  and  real  cowardice.  No 
point  can  be  gained  by  rudeness  and  insolence,  that  cannot  be  much  more 
easily  accomplished  by  respect  for  the  ordinary  forms  of  good  breeding. 

Men  who  are  "  always  in  the  right  "  are  bad  talkers.  Argument  between 
two  without  the  presence  of  others,  may  lead  to  no  ill-feeling,  because  there 
are  no  witnesses  to  the  defeat  of  the  discomfitted  party.  A  man  may  reason 
with  himself  with  profit,  but  nothing  except  the  gratification  of  vanity  is 
gained  by  an  argument  in  the  presence  of  others.  The  purpose  of  each  is  to 
beat  his  antagonist,  not  to  gain  new  truths.  To  attempt  to  argue  with  an 
inferior  mind  is  absurd.  If  one  is  known  to  hold  firm  views,  he  shows 
judgment  and  courtesy  in  avoiding  an  argument,  rather  than  in  courting 
one. 

In  France  the  manifestion  of  a  fixed  determination  to  argue,  is  regarded 
as  rude,  but  in  America  it  is  not  seldom  that  a  hostess  is  annoyed  and  a 
whole  company  made  uncomfortable  by  two  desperate  debaters. 

The  influence  of  women  on  conversation  in  society  is  always  refining  and 
elevating.  Lord  Chesterfield  himself  acknowledged  that  the  best  part  of 
his  wit  and  grace  was  derived  from  his  assiduous  frequenting  the  society  of 
ladies.  The  women  of  wit  and  'culture,  who  easily  make  themselves  by 
their  hospitality  the  centres  of  brilliant  circles,  accomplish  great  good. 
They  bring  scholars  and  artists  out  of  their  rust  of  retirement,  and  give 
them  the  stimulus  of  contact  with  other  minds.  Young  men  are  bewildered 
to  find  themselves  objects  of  interest  and  attention,  and  strive  to  prove 
worthy  of  the  compliment.  The  great  statesman,  the  eminent  clergyman, 
the  famous  poet  spend  the  evening  in  chatting  with  the  accomplished 


CON  VERSA  TION.  289 

woman  and  her  friends,  and  go  away  refreshed  and  enkindled  by  the  genial 
social  influence.  Here  is  a  vast  but  neglected  "sphere"  of  influence, 
open  to  Women.  Society  suffers  by  the  neglect  of  it,  and  in  too  many  circles 
boys  and  girls  of  immature  minds  are  the  controlling  spirits,  and  the 
standard  is  consequently  lowered.  Dancing  and  eating  consume  the  time, 
instead  of  being  simply  accompaniments  of  a  higher  intellectual  feast. 

Those  who  talk  about  the  details  of  the  toilet,  or  of  their  physical  ail- 
ments, talk  disgustingly.  There  are  details  relating  to  life  that  are  unpleas- 
ant enough,  but  they  grow  in  importance  by  making  them  the  subject  of 
conversation,  and  are  never  to  be  mentioned  either  in  "  society,"  or  even  in 
familiar  association  with  others. 

No  man  can  hope  to  excel  in  conversation  who  has  not  learned  to  sacrifice 
selfishness  in  trifles.  With  women,  particularly,  trivial  courtesies  have  the 
sweet  aroma  of  voluntary  homage.  To  many  superficial  women,  great  acts 
of  generosity  are  simply  duties,  while  small  virtues  are  exalted  to  greatness. 
A  villain  whose  character  is  known,  if  master  of  the  small  arts  of  self-sac- 
rifice, would  out-rival  the  moral  hero,  whose  inertness  or  lack  of  culture 
leads  him  to  neglect  trivial  courtesies.  The  remedy  for  this  is  obvious.  If 
bad  men  win  in  spite  of  all  drawbacks,  by  studying  how  to  please,  good  men 
must  beat  them  at  their  own  game.  The  highest  moral  purity  does  not 
excuse  a  man  for  boorishness.  There  ought  to  be,  and  is,  a  connection 
between  true  goodness,  refinement,  and  courtesy,  and  that  which  goes  with 
selfishness  and  boorishness  in  little  things  has  not  yet  leavened  the  whole. 
One  of  the  small  kindnesses  of  conversation  in  society  is  to  aid  the  hostess 
by  distributing  the  conversation.  It  may  be  more  agreeable  to  drop  into  a 
corner  and  flirt  with  a  favorite  by  the  hour,  but  when  all  are  equally  selfish, 
society  is  stiff  and  dull,  and  the  hostess  is  insulted  by  the  people  she  has 
been  at  pains  to  entertain.  No  lady  who  knows  the  duties  of  guests  will 
imagine  that  a  gentleman  leaves  her,  after  a  flitting  conversation,  because  he 
is  tired  of  her  society,  nor  will  he  feel  slighted  if  she  manifests  a  disposition 
to  talk  to  others. 

At  dinners  the  more  cultured  the  guests  the  easier  conversation  will  be. 
Among  men  and  women  of  the  world  a  dull  dinner-party  is  unknown.  In 
less-favored  circles,  the  entertainer  does  much  in  seating  people  congenially ; 
the  conversation  once  begun,  is  taken  up,  and  becomes  gay  and  animated. 


290  CONVERSA  TION. 

If  a  lady  seated  by  you  is  reserved,  begin  with  something  suggested  by  the 
occasion,  and  lead  off  with  something  on  which  she  can  and  will  talk.  If 
she  says  little,  your  duty  is  to  talk  more  and  fill  the  gap.  It  is  only  neces- 
sary to  know  how  to  suppress  yourself,  when  your  companion  has  begun  to 
like  the  sound  of  her  own  voice. 

That  silence  is  not  commendable  which  is  an  affectation  of  reserve,  or  a 
refusal  to  bear  one's  share  of  the  expenses  of  entertainment.  To  compel 
another,  who  has  given  you  no  cause  to  drop  his  acquaintance,  to  bear  the 
Avhole  burden  of  conversation,  is  rudeness.  To  be  silent  to  create  an  impres- 
sion of  wisdom,  is  a  confession  that  the  head  is  too  weak  to  sustain  the  pre- 
tense. There  are  shallow  persons  who  rattle  away  when  among  their  own 
associates,  but  are  silent  when  they  come  to  the  serious  business  of  conver- 
sation. On  such  the  conversationalist  may  exercise  his  patience.  If  silence 
grows  out  of  diffidence,  there  is  no  pleasure  like  drawing  out  and  leading  the 
victim  of  bashfulness  into  a  display  of  the  power  which  such  sensitive 
organizations  nearly  always  possess  in  a  high  degree.  Those  who  feel  a 
tremor  at  approaching  strangers,  should  be  especially  careful  in  matters  of 
dress,  so  that  no  failure  or  fault  in  that  direction  will  make  them  self- 
conscious,  and  then  face  the  ordeal  as  the  swimmer  takes  a  plunge,  dreading 
it  a  little,  but  finding  the  danger  and  disagreeable  sensation  wholly  imaginary. 
Every  evening  spent  in  society  is  a  lesson  which,  if  well  learned,  will  aid 
you  to  win  in  life. 

To  converse  well  it  is  necessary  to  speak  your  own  language  correctly. 
Unusual  words  and  high-sounding  phrases  are  affectations,  and  lead  often 
into  blunders.  Using  words  without  thoroughly  knowing  their  meaning 
will  be  set  down  to  your  disadvantage.  He  who  can  use  his  own  language 
with  absolute  correctness,  need  not  fear  to  talk  with  the  highest.  The  purity 
of  his  language  alone  would  command  respect.  The  errors  to  which  one  is 
most  liable  are  those  of  the  home-circle  in  which  he  is  bred.  These,  caught 
up  in  childhood  are  repeated  unconsciously,  and  the  ear,  grown  once 
familiar  with  them,  gives  no  warning.  Pronunciation  is  also  a  matter  of 
the  greatest  importance ;  a  dictionary  ought  always  to  be  consulted  in  read- 
ing, when  a  word  is  encountered,  the  meaning  or  pronunciation  of  which  is 
not  clearly  known.  A  friend,  even  if  not  more  scholarly  than  yourself,  may 
-correct  many  defects,  and  do  you  immense  service.  It  is  hard  to  make 


CONVERSATION.  291 

young  men  and  women  understand  the  danger  of  the  use  of  "slang."  It 
seems  to  give  emphasis  sometimes,  and  young  people  love  to  be  emphatic, 
even  at  the  expense  of  real  meaning.  And  then  a  slang  word  sometimes 
expresses  a  thought  when  the  correct  word  is  not  at  command.  Unfortu- 
nately, the  "slang"  is  sure  never  to  drop  from  the  memory,  but  pops  into 
notice  at  most  inopportune  times,  and  here  lies  the  danger  of  using  these 
counterfeit  words.  No  one  who  uses  them  can  have  always  at  command 
beautiful  and  simple  language.  Add  to  this  the  fact  that  the  emphasis  which 
slang  seems  to  give  is  a  delusion — clear,  well-chosen  words  always  having 
the  advantage  of  superior  force  and  effect — and  the  temptation  to  use  them 
is  small.  Henry  Clay  attributed  his  control  over  audiences  to  his  endeavors, 
when  a  boy,  to  express  himself  with  purity  and  accuracy.  The  immediate 
effect  of  the  use  of  such  language,  is  to  leave  an  impression  of  great  strength 
of  character,  while  the  use  of  slang  betrays  weakness  and  vulgarity. 

The  fault  into  which  the  novice,  who  has  seen  little  of  society,  but  who 
has  read  much,  is  likely  to  fall,  is  affectation  growing  out  of  stilted  conver- 
sasions  which  fill  novels,  but  which  are  seldom  heard  in  real  life.  For  such 
the  rule  is  never  to  use  a  word  or  phrase  for  effect.  A  single  word,  sentence, 
or  idea,  however  brilliant,  will  not  leave  an  impression;  the  next  ill-chosen 
word  or  bungling  expression  betrays  the  ass  in  the  lion's  skin.  Simplicity 
is  always  elegant  in  any  station.  It  is  never  safe  to  use  a  word,  the  pro- 
nunciation of  which  you  do  not  know,  nor  is  it  ever  wise  to  use  a  foreign 
word  or  phrase,  when  English  can  be  made  to  convey  the  same  meaning. 
Those  you  address  may  not  understand  it,  and,  if  they  do,  may  regard  it  as 
an  affectation  on  your  part.  Association  with  men  and  women,  who  are 
masters  of  good  English,  and  the  reading  of  books  which  are  models  of 
style,  are  the  best  means  for  acquiring  a  command  of  words.  But  no  one 
can  talk  well  who  is  not  thoroughly  impressed  with  the  idea  that  the  charm 
of  conversation  lies  in  its  naturalness,  which  any  straining  after  effect  inev- 
itably destroys. 

To  talk  well,  one  must  know  many  things  well.  A  smattering  of  knowl- 
edge may  enable  one  to  talk  in  the  presence  of  those  who  know  less,  but 
among  equals,  any  lack  of  thoroughness  is  exposed.  No  man  can  talk  well 
and  clearly  on  a  subject  which  he  has  not  thoroughly  digested.  The  orator 
who  makes  a  brilliant  speech  on  the  spur  of  the  moment,  is  able  to  doit, 


292  C ON  VERSA  TION. 

because  he  has  thought  the  subject  over  and  over,  until  he  is  familiar  with 
all  its  phases.  There  is  no  such  thing  as  extempore  speaking,  in  the  popular 
sense.  A  thorough  education  is  an  invaluable  aid,  but  self-education  may 
make  up  the  deficiency  in  part,  if  a  regular  plan  is  steadily  followed.  The 
man  or  woman  who  reads  a  daily,  or  even  two  or  three  of  the  best  weekly 
newspapers,  and  such  a  magazine  as  Scribner's  or  the  Atlantic,  cannot  be 
ignorant.  Nor  is  much  time  required  to  read  a  daily  newspaper  profitably, 
if  one  has  learned  the  art.  To  reject  the  chaff"  without  wasting  time  on  it, 
and  select  the  wheat,  is  not  difficult  after  a  moderate  amount  of  practice. 
The  news  of  the  world,  which  the  modern  newspaper  brings  to  our  doors 
before  breakfast,  is  of  two  kinds:  that  which  is  weighty  in  import,  because 
it  affects  vast  interests,  and  trivial  personal  matters,  which  excite  or  satisfy 
a  small  curiosity.  The  reader  who  looks  for  wheat  will  skip  murders, 
suicides,  and  scandals,  and  read  of  the  world's  serious  work,  and  of  those 
greater  events  that  are  making  the  history  of  the  time,  and  which  affect  the 
destiny  of  nations.  The  skillful  reader  of  a  morning  newspaper  will  select 
from  a  page,  at  a  glance,  the  paragraphs  that  furnish  food  for  his  thought. 
The  magazines  bear  more  careful  reading,  and  consume  more  time.  They 
command,  now,  the  best  work  of  the  best  minds,  and  deserve  attention 
accordingly.  Of  current  literature,  the  reviews  of  new  books  in  the  best 
magazines,  are  a  guide  that  will  not  lead  far  astray,  and  of  standard  works, 
the  best  only  should  be  chosen.  Life  is  too  short  to  read  all.  When  authors 
have  written  many  books,  especially  in  fiction,  one  or  two  which  best  show 
the  author's  peculiar  characteristics  in  style  and  thought,  are  enough,  when 
life  is  full  of  serious  work.  These  may  be  read  in  leisure  moments,  which 
would  otherwise  be  wasted,  if  conveniently  at  hand.  Suggestive  books  are 
best  for  spare  moments.  They  not  only  give  ideas,  but  start  trains  of 
thought.  New  ideas  are  assimulated  as  food  is  digested,  aiding  mental 
growth  and  increasing  mental  resources.  In  reading,  an  encylopcedia  is 
invaluable  for  reference  when  any  subject  is  suggested,  on  which  one  is  not 
well-informed.  Many  writers  recommend  the  keeping  of  a  common-place 
book,  in  which  is  noted  down  such  extracts  from  books  as  are  particularly 
striking ;  but  it  is  a  question  whether  the  cultivation  of  the  memory,  by 
keeping  in  mind  the  locality  of  striking  paragraphs  as  they  appear  on  the 
pages,  and  the  relative  position  of  the  page,  if  not  its  exact  number,  is  not 


CONVERSATION.  293 

better.  However,  reading  does  us  good  far  beyond  what  we  are  conscious 
of  remembering  and  assimulating.  If  solid  works  do  not  interest,  something 
lighter — essays,  biography,  sketches  of  history,  and  well-selected  fiction,  are 
a  better  means  of  culture.  Milk  for  babes,  that  they  may,  when  grown, 
have  power  to  digest  strong  meat.  The  taste  for  solid  literature  comes  with 
the  growth  of  the  mind.  In  reading  it  is  always  best,  when  interested  in  a 
subject,  to  read  everything  that  can  be  found  regarding  it.  Philosophers, 
divines,  and  even  scientists,  as  well  as  doctors,  differ,  and  views  are  broad- 
ened, and  one  is  taught  charity  by  viewing  subjects  from  different  stand- 
points. The  mental  attitude  most  favorable  to  growth  is  that  which  wel- 
comes all  truth,  no  matter  what  its  source,  or  how  it  upsets  preconceived 
notions.  Men  think  they  know  and  believe  many  things,  which  they  have 
simply  accepted  as  true,  because  they  have  never  questioned  them  or  "heard 
them  questioned.  Real  knowledge  and  genuine  faith  have  better  founda- 
tions. It  is  a  waste  of  time  to  read  second-rate  books,  and  those  whose  attrac- 
tion is  their  impurity,  teaching  only  evil,  and  debasing  instead  of  exalting 
the  mind.  Attention  to  science  and  the  arts  is  necessary  to  the  man  who 
aspires  to  be  well-informed.  The  wonderful  inventions  of  the  age,  which 
have  promoted  discovery,  and  the  cheapness  of  books  and  newspapers,  which 
has  spread  the  knowledge  of  discoveries,  have  so  popularized  science  that  it 
is  a  topic  in  every  circle.  A  knowledge  of  art  may  be  acquired  most  easily 
by  first  mastering  the  principles  that  govern  it,  and  something  of  the  history 
of  art  and  its  masters.  Observation  will  do  the  rest.  The  fault  of  would-be 
art-critics  is  indiscriminate  admiration  or  indiscriminate  criticism.  A 
modest  estimate  of  one's  knowledge  of  art  is  the  safest,  but  the  rules  of  art 
are  far  more  simple  than  is  generally  supposed,  and  art  criticism  depends  on 
the  education  of  the  eyes.  A  knowledge  of  the  ancient  and  modern  lan- 
guages, of  philosophy,  of  jurisprudence,  of  geology  and  natural  history,  and 
particularly  of  late  theories  and  discoveries,  is  always  an  advantage.  Indeed, 
not  a  scrap  of  fact  or  fancy  in  the  whole  realm  of  knowledge  is  to  be  over- 
looked or  despised.  Nor  is  it  difficult  to  acquire  knowledge  from  all  these 
various  sources  in  the  busiest  life,  without  loss  of  time.  Mental  laziness 
fosters  ignorance.  The  alert  mind  does  not  need  to  seek  food;  it  simply 
takes  what  comes  in  its  way,  and  thrives  by  it. 

Interrupting  another  who  is  speaking  is  always  ill-bred.     Whispering  or 


294  CONVERSATION. 

talking  in  so  low  a  tone  that  others  are  excluded  from  a  part  in  the  conver- 
sation, is  extremely  rude.  Private  matters  should  be  discussed  privately, 
and  not  in  the  presence  of  others.  If  the  arrival  of  a  visitor  breaks  in  upon 
a  conversation,  a  new  topic  should  be  taken  up,  or  what  has  been  said 
explained  so  fully  that  the  new  arrival  may  take  an  interested  part.  A  low, 
sweet  voice  is  especially  charming  in  women.  There  is  a  certain  distinct  but 
subdued  tone  which  is  a  mark  of  the  best  breeding.  It  is  never  courteous  to 
lower  the  tone  of  conversation  in  talking  with  supposed  inferiors.  Having 
lead  the  conversation  to  a  subject  in  which  there  is  a  general  interest,  do  not 
fear  to  say  the  best  things  you  have  to  say.  They  will  be  appreciated.  Many 
men  talk  to  ladies  as  if  they  could  not  understand  anything  but  the  "  small 
talk"  of  society,  and  with  a  condescending  air  that  is  anything  but  cour- 
teous. Always  give  foreigners  their  titles.  Persons  who  are  neither  rela- 
tions nor  very  intimate  friends  should  never  be  spoken  of  by  their  Christian 
name ;  that  is  a  familiarity  which  is  never  indulged  in  by  the  well-bred.  In 
conversation  with  equals,  it  is  not  polite  to  repeat  frequently,  "Sir,"  "Maam," 
or  "  Miss,"  as  some  people  suppose.  These  are  employed  only  to  keep  people 
at  a  distance,  when  there  is  a  difference  in  social  positions.  Never  speak  of 
persons  by  an  initial ;  as  Mr.  A.  or  Mrs.  B.  This  is  an  offense  frequent 
among  married  people,  who  ought  to  know  better.  Such  phrases  as  "awfully 
jolly,"  "  awfully  pretty,"  and  the  like,  are  in  bad  form.  In  addressing  per- 
sons who  have  titles,  add  the  name  to  the  title;  "What  do  you  think  of  it, 
Doctor?  "  has  an  air  of  familiarity,  while  "  What  do  you  think  of  it,  Doctor 
Mason?"  is  entirely  respectful.  Be  careful,  above  all  things,  to  remember 
and  correctly  pronounce  names.  Nothing  wounds  pride  more  quickly  than 
liberties  taken  with  one's  name. 

There  are  many  errors  of  speech,  of  which  space  forbids  mention,  that 
must  be  avoided  by  every  one  who  is  ambitious  to  use  good  English.  Among 
the  best  books  which  point  out  these  common  stumbling-blocks,  are  "  Live 
and  Learn"  and  "Errors  of  Speech,"  both  moderate  in  price,  and  easily 
obtained.  For  a  few  of  the  most  common,  we  are  indebted  to  these  sources : 

About  right,  instead  of  well,  or  correct. 
According  to  Gunter,  instead  of  accurately  done 
Accountability,  instead  of  accountableness. 
Above  my  bent,  instead  of  out  of  my  power. 


CON  VERSA  TION.  295 

Acknowledge  the  corn,  (to)  instead  of  to  admit  the  charge. 

Across  lots,  instead  of  in  the  quickest  manner. 

Aggravate,  (to)  instead  of  to  irritate,  or  insult. 

All-fired,  instead  of  enormous. 

All  sorts  of,  instead  of  excellent,  or  expert. 

All  to  pieces — smash,  entirely  destroyed. 

Allot  upon,  (to)  instead  of  to  intend. 

Allow,  (to)  instead  of  to  declare,  or  assert. 

Along,  to  get  along,  instead  of  to  get  on. 

Among,  instead  of  between. 

Ain't,  instead  of  is  not. 

Any  how  you  can  fix  it. 

Art/,  instead  of  ever  a. 

As  good,  instead  of  as  well. 

As  well,  instead  of  also.    I  was  angry  as  well  as  he. 

At,  instead  of  by,  or  in.    We  should  say,  sales  by  auction,  not  at  auction ; 

and  in  the  North,  not  at  the  North. 
At  that.    And  poor  at  that,  instead  of  also,  or  as  well. 
Avails,  instead  of  profits ;  as,  the  avails  of  their  own  industry. 
Awful,  instead  of  ugly,  difficult,  or  very. 
Axe,  instead  of  ask. 

Back  and  forth,  instead  of  backward  and  forward. 
Back,  instea'd  of  ago.    A  little  while  back. 
Back  down,  (to)  instead  of  to  recant. 
Back  out,  instead  of  to  retreat,  or  to  fail  to  fulfill  a  promise ;  equivalent 

expressions  are  to  back  water,  to  take  the  back  track. 
Banister,  for  baluster. 

Backing  and  filling.    Advancing  and  retreating. 
Backward,  instead  of  bashful  or  modest. 
Beat — the  beat  of,  instead  of  superior. 
Beat  out,  instead  of  tired,  or  fatigued. 
Beautiful,  instead  of  excellent ;  as  beautiful  butter. 
Beef,  (a)  instead  of  an  ox. 

Belongings,  instead  of  attributes,  garments,  associations,  or  property. 
Betterment,  instead  of  improvement. 
Bettermost,  instead  of  the  best. 
Biddable,  instead  of  manageable. 
Big  Figure,  (on  the)  instead  of  on  a  large  scale. 
Biggest,  instead  of  greatest,  or  finest;   as,  she's  the  biggest  kind  of  a 

singer. 

Blow,  (to)  instead  of  to  boast. 
Blow  out  at,  instead  of  to  abuse. 


296  CONVERSATION. 

Bluff  off  (to).    To  deter,  to  put  down,  to  repel. 

Bound,  instead  of  determined,  or  resolved.    I'm  bound  to  go. 

Brown,  (to  do  up).    To  do  anything  to  perfection. 

Build,  instead  of  to  establish. 

Bulger,  instead  of  something  extremely  large. 

Bully,  instead  of  fine,  or  capital. 

Burned  up,  instead  of  burned  down. 

By  the  name  of.    A  man  by  the  name  of  Smith.     "An  Englishman 

would  say  '  of  the  name  of  Smith.' " — BARTLETT. 
Bad,  instead  of  ill ;  as,  I  feel  bad.    Done  bad. 
Balance,  instead  of  remainder. 
Bogus,  instead  of  counterfeit. 
Banter,  (to)  instead  of  challenge. 
Belittle,  (to)  instead  of  to  make  smaller. 
Cannot,  instead  of  can  not. 
Captivate,  (to)  instead  of  to  take  captive. 
Conclude,  instead  of  determine. 
Clear  out,  (to)  instead  of  depart,  or  leave. 
Clip,  instead  of  a  sudden  blow. 
Cloud  up,  (to)  instead  of  grow  cloudy. 

Common.    As  well  as  common,  instead  of  as  well  as  usual. 
Considerable,  instead  of  much,  or  considerably. 

Contemplate,  (to)  instead  of  to  consider,  to  have  in  view,  or  to  intend. 
Corner,  (to)  instead  of  to  get  the  advantage  of  any  one. 
Count,  (to)  instead  of  to  reckon,  suppose,  or  think. 
Crowd,  instead  of  company. 
Cupalo,  instead  of  cupola. 
Converse  together,  (to)  instead  of  to  converse. 
Cut  round,  (to)  instead  of  to  run  about,  or  make  a  display. 
Come,  (to)  instead  of  go  to. 
Cut  under,  (to)  instead  of  to  undersell. 
Coporeal  means  having  a  body;   corporal,  belonging  or  relating  to  the 

body.    We  should  say,  corporal  punishment,  and,  God  is  an  incorporeal 

being. 
Dessert.    This  word  is  applicable  to  the  fruits  and  other  delicacies  brought 

on  the  table  after  the  pudding  and  pies,  but  not  to  the  pudding  and  pies 

themselves. 

Dicker,  (to)  instead  of  to  barter. 
Directly,  instead  of  when,  or  as  soon  as. 
Dissipate,  (to).    To  live  idly  or  irregularly. 
Do  tell!  instead  of  really!  or  indeed! 
Donation,  instead  of  present. 


CONVERSATION.  297 

Done,  instead  of  did. 

Don't,  instead  of  does  not.    Don't  is  a  contraction  for  do  not. 

Dove,  instead  of  dived. 

Down  upon.    Used  to  express  enmity  or  dislike. 

Down  cellar,  instead  of  down  in  the  cellar. 

Dragged  out,  instead  of  fatigued,  or  exhausted. 

Dreadful,  instead  of  very.  "  This,  and  the  words  awful,  terrible,  desper- 
ate, monstrous,  are  used  by  uneducated  people  for  the  purpose  of  giv- 
ing emphasis  to  an  expression." 

Drinking.    Never  say  "  He's  a  drinking  man." 

Driving  at.  What  are  you  driving  at?  instead  of  what  object  have  you  in 
view? 

Dump,  instead  of  unload. 

Egg,  instead  of  to  pelt  with  eggs. 

Elect,  instead  of  to  prefer,  to  choose,  to  determine  in  favor  of;  as,  they 
elect  to  submit ;  travelers  will  elect  to  go  by  the  Northern  route. 

Elegant,  for  excellent,  as  applied,  for  instance,  to  articles  of  food,  as  ele- 
gant pies. 

Endorse,  (to}  instead  of  to  approve,  or  confirm. 

Eventuate,  (to)  instead  of  to  happen,  or  to  result  in. 

Experience  religion,  (to)  instead  of  to  be  converted. 

Expect,  (to)  is  only  applicable  to  the  anticiption  of  future  events.  It  is 
vulgarly  used  for  think,  believe,  or  know. 

Fancy.  This  word  is  too  generally  used  as  an  adjective  to  signify  orna- 
mental, fantastic,  stylish,  extraordinary,  or  choice;  as,  fancy  prices, 
fancy  houses,  fancy  women. 

Female.  Incorrectly  used  to  denote  a  person  of  the  female  sex.  To  speak 
of  a  woman  simply  as  a  female,  is  ridiculous. 

Fetch  up,  (to)  instead  of  to  halt  suddenly. 

Fire  away,  instead  of  to  begin. 

First  rate,  instead  of  superior. 

Fixed  fact,  instead  of  positive  or  well-established  fact. 

Fizzle,  (to)  instead  of  to  fail,  or  to  perform  imperfectly. 

Forever,  instead  of  for  ever. 

Flat  broke,  instead  of  entirely  out  of  money. 

Flunk,  instead  of  to  fail,  to  retreat;  as,  to  flunk  out. 

Fly, to  fly  around,  instead  of  to  stir  about,  or  be  active. 

Folks,  instead  of  people,  or  persons. 

For,  before  the  infinite  particle  to,  has  become  very  vulgar;  as,  I'd  have 
you  for  to  know. 

Fore-handed,  instead  of  to  be  in  good  circumstances. 

Fork  over — or  up,  instead  of  to  pay. 


298  CON  VERSA  TIOX. 

Gale,  instead  of  state  of  excitement. 

Gather,  instead  of  to  take  up.    One  may  gather  apples,  but  not  a  stick. 

Get,  instead  of  to  have;  as,  I  have  got  no  money.  Inelegantly  used  to 
prevail  on,  to  induce,  or  persuade.  To  get  religion,  instead  of  to 
become  pious,  is  vulgar.  So  are,  to  get  one's  back  up,  get  out!  and  to 
get  round,  instead  of  to  get  the  better  of. 

Given  name,  instead  of  Christian  name. 

Go  for,  or  go  in  for,  (to)  instead  of  to  be  in  favor  of. 

Go  it,  as  to  go  it  blind,  to  go  it  with  a  looseness,  to  go  it  strong,  to  go  to 
one's  death,  to  go  the  big  figure,  or  the  whole  figure. 

Go  through  the  mill,  (to)  instead  of  to  acquire  experience. 

Go  under,  (to)  instead  of  to  perish. 

Going,  instead  of  traveling;  as  the  going  is  bad,  it  is  bad  going. 

Goner,  instead  of  one  who  is  lost. 

Gone  with,  instead  of  become  of.    As,  what  has  gone  with  him  ? 

Good.  An  incorrect  use  of  this  word  may  be  heard  in,  he  reads  good ;  it 
does  not  run  good.  Very  vulgar,  indeed,  is  the  phrase  "  it  is  no  good." 

Grain,  (a)  instead  of  a  little. 

Grand,  instead  of  very  good,  or  excellent;  as,  it  is  a  grand  day. 

Grant,  (to)  instead  of  to  vouchsafe ;  as,  grant  to  hear  us. 

Great,  instead  of  distinguished,  or  excellent.  Thus,  he  is  a  great  Chris- 
tian ;  she  is  great  at  the  piano. 

Great  big,  instead  of  very  large. 

Guess,  (to)  means  to  conjecture,  and  not  to  believe,  know,  suppose,  think 
or  imagine. 

Hack,  instead  of  a  hackney  coach.    A  hack  is  a  livery-stable  horse. 

Had  have.    As,  had  we  have  known  this. 

Had  not  ought  to,  instead  of  ought  not  to. 

Haint,  instead  of  have  not. 

Hand,  as,  you  are  a  great  hand  at  running. 

Hard  running,  instead  of  consecutively. 

Handsomely,  instead  of  carefully,  steadily,  or  correctly. 

Hang,  to  get  the  hang  of  a  thing,  instead  of  becoming  familiar  with  it. 
"  He  hadn't  got  the  hang  of  the  game." 

Hang  fire,  instead  of  to  delay,  or  to  be  impeded. 

Hang  around,  instead  of  loiter  about. 

Hang  out,  instead  of  dwell. 

Happen  in, (to)  instead  of  happen  to  call  in. 

Hard  case.  Used  to  indicate  a  worthless  fellow,  or  one  who  is  hard  to 
deal  with. 

Hard  pushed,  hard  run,  hard  up,  instead  of  hard  pressed. 

Head  off,  instead  of  intercept. 


CONVERSATION.  299 

Heft,  instead  of  weight,  or  to  weigh. 

Help,  instead  of  servants. 

High  falutin,  instead  of  high-flown. 

Hitch,  instead  of  entanglement  or  impediment. 

Hold  on,  instead  of  to  wait,  or  stop. 

Hook,  (on  his  own)  instead  of  on  his  own  account. 

Hooter,  a  corruption  of  iota;  as,  I  don't  care  a  hooter  for  him. 

Hopping  mad,  instead  of  very  angry. 

Horn  (in  a).    Expressing  dissent. 

How  ?  instead  of  what  ?  or  what  did  you  say  ? 

How  come?  instead  of  how  came  it?  how  did  it  happen? 

Hung.    In  England,  beef  is  hung,  gates  are  hung,  and  curtains  are  hung, 

but  felons  are  hanged. 
Hunk,  instead  of  a  large  piece. 

Hush  up,  dry  up,  and  shut  up,  instead  of  to  be  silent. 
Illy.    A  silly  amplification  of  ill. 

In,  instead  of  into ;  as,  to  get  in  the  stage,  to  come  in  town. 
Independent  fortune.    "  A  man  may  be  rendered  independent  by  fortune, 

but  the  fortune  can  hardly  become  independent  of  a  possessor." 
It  was  her,  for  it  was  she. 
It  was  me,  for  it  was  I. 
Jew,  (to)  instead  of  to  cheat. 
Jessie,  (to  give)  instead  of  to  treat  severely. 
Jump,  (from  the)  instead  of  from  the  beginning. 
Keel  over,  instead  of  to  be  prostrated,  or  die. 
Keep  a  stiff  upper  lip,  instead  of  to  keep  up  one's  courage;  to  continue 

firm. 

Keep  company,  (to)  instead  of  to  court,  or  make  love. 
Kerslap.    Used  to  indicate  a  flat  fall. 

Kick  up  a  row,  or  dust,  instead  of  to  create  a  disturbance. 
Knock,  instead  of  astonish,  or  overwhelm ;  as,  that  knocks  me. 
Knock  about,  or  round  (to)  instead  of  to  go  about. 
Larrup,  instead  of  beat. 
Lather,  instead  of  beat. 
Law,  (to)  instead  of  to  go  to  law. 
Lay,  instead  of  to  lie;  as,  he  laid  down,  instead  of  he  lay  down  to  sleep; 

or,  "the  land  lays  well." 

Let  be,  (to)  instead  of  to  let  alone;  as,  let  me  be! 
Let  on,  instead  of  to  mention ;  to  disclose. 
Let  slide,  rip,  went,  travel,  circulate,  agitate,  drive,  fly,  instead  of  to  let 

g°- 
Let  up,  instead  of  a  release,  or  relief. 


300  CONVERSATION. 

Lickety  split,  instead  of  headlong ;  very  fast. 

Like.    As,  like  I  always  do.    He  drank  like  he  was  used  to  it. 

Likely,  instead  of  intelligent,  promising,  or  able.    Also  used  to  signify 

beauty. 

Limb.    A  silly  and  affected  expression  for  leg. 
Liquor,  liquor  up,  instead  of  to  take  a  dram. 

Little  end  of  the  horn.    Applied,  like  the  Italian  word  fiasco,  to  a  failure. 
Loan,  (to)  instead  of  to  lend. 
Locate,  (to)  instead  of  to  settle  in. 
Looseness,  instead  of  freedom.    A  perfect  looseness. 
Love,  (to)  instead  of  to  like.    I  love  apple  pie. 
Mad,  instead  of  very  angry. 
Mail,  instead  of  post.    Mail  is  properly  the  bag  in  which  the  letters  are 

carried. 

Make  a  raise,  (to)  instead  of  to  obtain. 
Make  tracks,  instead  of  to  go  or  to  run. 

Marm,  or  Ma'am,  instead  of  mamma,  or  mother;  as,  my  ma'am  says  so. 
Mean,  instead  of  poor,  base,  or  worthless. 
Middling,  instead  of  tolerably. 
Midst.    In  our  midst,  instead  cf  among  us.    There  is,  properly,  no  such 

noun  as  midst. 

Mighty,  instead  of  very ;  as,  mighty  nice. 
Missing.    Among  the  missing,  instead  of  absent. 
Mistake.    And  no  mistake,  instead  of  sure. 
Mixed  up,  instead  of  confused;  promiscuous. 
Mind,  (to)  instead  of  to  recollect;  remember.    Also,  instead  of  to  watch, 

to  take  care  of. 

Monstrous,  instead  of  very,  or  exceedingly. 

More,  most,  instead  of  the  regular  comparative  and  superlative  termina- 
tions.   "  A  more  full  vocabulary." 
Most,  instead  of  almost. 

Move,  instead  of  to  remove,  or  to  change  one's  residence. 
Much.    Used  in  praise  or  dispraise.    He  is  not  much  of  a  man. 
Muss,  instead  of  a  quarrel. 
Muss,  (to)  instead  of  to  disarrange;  to  disorder. 
Nary,  instead  of  ne'er  a.    "  Did  you  see  Ary  Scheffer  in  Paris  ?"    "Nary 

Scheffer,"  was  the  reply. 

Nigh  unto,  upon,  ins'tead  of  nearly,  or  almost. 
Necessitate,  instead  of  to  be  obliged,  or  compelled. 
Nip  and  tuck,  instead  of  equal. 
No  not.    Some  people  absurdly  use  double  negatives ;  as,  I  won't  no-how ; 

it  ain't,  neither;  I  ain't  got  none. 


CON  VtiRSA  TION.  301 

No-account,  instead  of  worthless.    A  no-account  fellow. 

No-how,  instead  of  by  no  means. 

Nothing  else.    A  vulgar  affirmation.    It  ain't  nothing  else. 

Notional,  instead  of  whimsical. 

Nub,  instead  of  point,  or  significance. 

Obliged  to  be,  instead  of  must  be. 

Obligated,  instead  of  to  compel. 

Odd  stick,  or  odd  fish,  instead  of  eccentric  person. 

Of.    Many  people,  in  using  the  verbs  to  smell,  to  feel,  to  taste,  supply  the 

preposition  of;  as  to  smell  of  it. 

Off  the  handle.    To  fly  off  the  handle,  instead  of  to  fly  into  a  passion. 
Offish,  instead  of  distant. 
Obnoxious,  instead  of  offensive. 
On.    He  lives  on  a  street,  instead  of  in  a  street. 
On  hand,  instead  of  at  hand,  present. 

Oncet,  (pronounced  wunst,)  and  twicet,  or  twist  for  once  or  twice. 
Onto,  instead  of  on,  or  to. 
On  yesterday,  instead  of  yesterday. 

Ought.    Wrongly  used  in  hadn't  ought,  had  ought  to,  don't  ought. 
Ourn,  instead  of  ours. 
Over-run,  instead  of  to  run  over. 

Partly,  instead  of  nearly,  or  almost.  His  house  is  partly  opposite  to  mine. 
Peaked,  instead  of  thin,  or  emaciated. 
Pending,  instead  of  during.    As  pending  the  conversation.    Pending  the 

session. 

Pile,  instead  of  money  amassed,  or  fortune. 
Place,  instead  of  to  identify,  as,  I  can't  place  him. 
Plaguy,  plaguy  sight,  instead  of  very,  extremely,  or  very  much. 
Plank,  instead  of  to  lay,  or  put  down. 
Play  actor,  instead  of  actor. 
Played  out,  instead  of  exhausted. 

Plum,  instead  of  direct,  or  straight.    He  looked  me  plum  in  the  face. 
Poke  fun,  (to)  instead  of  to  joke,  to  ridicule. 
Pokerish,  instead  of  frightful  or  fearful. 
Poky,  instead  of  stupid. 
Pony  up,  instead  of  to  pay  over. 
Posted  up,  instead  of  fully  informed. 
Powerful,  instead  of  very,  or  exceedingly. 
Prayerful,  and  prayerfully,  instead  of  devout  or  devoutly. 
Pretty  considerable,  instead  of  tolerable. 
Preventative,  instead  of  preventive. 
Primp  up.    Dressed  up  stylishly. 


302  CONVERSATION. 

Profanity.    English  writers  generally  use  the  word  profaneness. 
Professor,  instead  of  one  who  is  professedly  religious.    As  a  title,  the 
word  is  incorrectly  applied  except  to  a  teacher  in  a  university  or  college. 
Proper,  instead  of  very ;  as,  proper  frightened. 
Proud,  instead  of  glad.    He  is  proud  to  know. 
Proud,  instead  of  honor.    Sir,  you  do  me  proud. 
Pucker  (in  a).    Fright  agitation. 
Put,  put  out,  put  off.    To  decamp. 
Put  the  licks  in.    To  exert  oneself. 
Put  through,  instead  of  to  accomplish,  or  conclude. 
Quite,  instead  of  very;  as,  it  is  quite  cold. 
Hail,  (to)  instead  of  to  travel  by  rail. 

Raise  a  racket,  raise  Cain,  (to)  instead  of  to  make  a  noise. 
Reckon,  instead  of  to  think  or  imagine. 
Reliable,  instead  of  trustworthy. 
Rehash,  instead  of  repetition. 
Remind,  instead  of  remember. 
Resurrect,  instead  of  reanimate. 
Rich,  instead  of  entertaining  or  amusing. 
Right  smart,  instead  of  large  or  great. 
Rile.    To  make  angry. 

Rising,  instead  of  more.    Rising  a  thousand  dollars. 
Rocks,  instead  of  money,  or  stones. 
Room,  instead"  of  to  occupy  a  room,  or  to  lodge. 
Rope  in,  instead  of  to  decoy,  or  to  divulge. 
Rowdy  1  instead  of  riotous ;  turbulent  fellow. 

Run  one's  face,  instead  of  to  get  credit  by  a  good  personal  appearance. 
Run  to  the  ground,  instead  of  carry  to  excess. 
Safe,  instead  of  sure,  certain. 
Sauce,  instead  of  culinary  vegetables  and  roots. 
Scallawag,  instead  of  vile  fellow,  or  scamp. 
Scare  up,  instead  of  to  find. 
Scary,  instead  of  easily  scared. 

School  ma'am,  instead  of  school-mistress,  or  teacher. 
Scooped  him  in,  instead  of  inveigled. 
Scoot,  instead  of  to  walk  fast. 
Scrawny,  instead  of  spare,  or  bony. 
Scrouge,  instead  of  to  crowd. 
Scrumptious,  instead  of  scrupulous. 
Scurse,  Scuss,  instead  of  scarce. 
Seen,  instead  of  saw. 
Serious,  instead  of  religious. 


CONVERSATION.  303 

Set,  instead  of  obstinate ;  as,  a  set  man. 

Set,  instead  of  to  fix,  or  to  obstruct,  or  to  stop. 

Settle,  (to)  instead  of  ordained.    He  settled  in  the  ministry  very  young. 

Spoonsful,  instead  of  spoonfuls. 

Shimmy,  instead  of  chemise. 

Shin  round.    To  fly  about. 

Shindy,  instead  of  a  riot. 

Shine.    As,  she  cut  a  shine.     He  shines  up  to  her. 

Shingle,  instead  of  sign. 

Shyster.    A  low  lawyer. 

Sic k.  Sickness  is  only  applicable  to  nausea,  or  sickness  at  the  stomach. 
American  word  for  ill. 

Sight.    A  great  many ;  a  deal. 

Skeary,  instead  of  scary. 

Skedaddle,  (to)  instead  of  to  escape,  or  to  depart. 

Skimped,  instead  of  scanty. 

Slantendicular.    Aslant. 

Slick  up,  (to)  instead  of  to  make  fine. 

Slimpsy,  instead  of  flimsy. 

Slope.    To  run  away ;  to  evade. 

Smart.  In  America,  smart  is  used  as  signifying  quick,  or  shrewd.  In 
England,  it  usually  has  the  meaning  of  showy. 

Smart  chance,  instead  of  good  opportunity.  As,  we  have  a  smart  piece, 
and  a  smart  sprinkle. 

Snippy,  snippish,  instead  of  finical,  or  conceited. 

So,  instead  of  such.  "  Prof.  W — ,  who  has  acquired  so  high  dis- 
tinction. 

Sockdolloger.    A  final  argument,  or  blow. 

Sock.     Sock  down.    To  pay  money  down. 

Soft  sodder,  soap.    Flattery,  soft  persuasion. 

Some.  Of  some  account;  famous.  Of  the  same  application;  some 
pumpkins. 

Soon,  instead  of  early.  Sooner,  very  soon,  instead  of  at  once,  or  directly, 
or  soon. 

Sound  on  the  goose.    True,  staunch. 

Spark  (to).    To  court. 

Spat.    A  slap,  a  quarrel. 

Specie,  instead  of  species.    Specie  is  hard  money. 

Split.    A  division,  dissension.    Also  a  rapid  pace ;  as,  full  split. 

Spread  oneself  (to).    To  make  great  efforts. 

Spread  eagle.    Applied  to  a  vulgar  rant  and  bombast. 

Sprouts  (a  course  of).    A  severe  imitation. 


304  CON  VERSA  TION. 

Spry.    Lively,  active. 

Spunk.    Spirit,  vivacity. 

Squirt.    A  coxcomb. 

Squash.    To  crush. 

Stag.    A  stag  party. 

Stamping-ground.    A  favorite  and  familiar  place  of  resort. 

Stand.    The  situation  of  a  place  of  business. 

Stand  treat  (to).    To  pay  for  a  treat. 

Stick  (to).    To  impose  upon,  to  render  liable. 

Stop,  (to)  instead  of  to  stay  for  a  time. 

Strapped.    Wanting  money. 

Streaked,  instead  of  alarmed. 

Stretch  (on  a).    Continuously. 

Stump  (to).    To  challenge.    To  confound. 

Suspicion,  (to)  instead  of  to  suspect. 

Swap,  swoop,  instead  of  barter,  or  exchange. 

Setting.    As,  setting  on  a  chair,  instead  of  sitting  on  a  chair. 

Taint,  instead  of  it  is  not. 

Take  the  rag  off  (to) .    To  surpass. 

Take  on  (to).    To  grieve;  mourn. 

Tall,  instead  of  fine,  splendid,  or  grand. 

Tax,  instead  of  charge.    What  do  you  tax  us  for  it  ? 

Tell  on  (to).    To  tell  of,  to  tell  about. 

Tend,  instead  of  to  attend,  or  wait. 

The.    Vulgarly  used  before  the  names  of  diseases ;  as,  he  died  of  the 

cholera.    Many  persons  say:  He  speaks  the  French,  or  the  German. 

The  correct  mode  of  expression  would  be:  He  speaks  French,  or  the 

French  language. 

There.    Used  for  the  future  tense  with  I  am ;  as,  I'm  there. 
This  here,  and  that  there;  for  this,  and  that.  ' 
Those  sort  of  things,  instead  of  that  sort  of  things. 
Throw  in.    To  contribute. 
Thundering,  instead  of  very. 
Tie  to,  instead  of  to  trust,  to  rely  on. 
Tight,  instead  of  tipsy. 

Tight  place — squeeze,  instead  of  a  difficulty. 
To,  instead  of  in,  or  at.    He  is  to  home. 
Toe  the  mark  (to).    To  fulfill  obligations. 
Tote,  instead  of  to  carry. 
Travel,  instead  of  to  depart. 

Try  on,  instead  of  to  try.    Try  and  make,  instead  of,  try  to  make. 
Tuckered  out.    Fatigued,  exhausted. 


CONVERSATION.  305 

Tuck,  for  took. 

Transpire,  instead  of  to  happen,  or  to  be  done. 

Uncommon,  instead  of  uncommonly. 

Up  to  the  hub.    To  the  extreme. 

Upper  ten  thousand  (the).  A  silly  slang  term  for  the  higher  circles  of 
society. 

Use  up,  (to)  instead  of  to  exhaust. 

Unhealthy,  instead  of  unwholesome;  as,  unhealthy  food. 

Vamose.    To  vamose  the  ranch. 

Vum,  (I)  instead  of  I  vow,  or  declare. 

Wake  up  the  wrong  passenger,  (to).  To  make  a  mistake  as  to  an  indi- 
vidual. 

Walk  chalk.    To  walk  straight. 

Walking-papers.    Orders  to  leave ;  dismissal. 

Wallop  (to).    To  beat. 

Wa'nt,  instead  of  was  not,  and  were  not. 

Want  to  know?    Do  tell?    Very  vulgar  interjections. 

Ways.    No  two  ways  about  it,  instead  of  the  fact  is  just  so. 

Well  to  do,  instead  of  well  off. 

Went.    You  should  have  went,  instead  of  you  should  have  gone. 

Whapper,  whopper.    Anything  uncommonly  large. 

What  for  a.  What  for  a  man  is  that  ?  instead  of  what  kind  of  a  man  is 
that? 

Which,  instead  of  what,  who. 

While,  instead  of  till,  or  until.    Stay  while  I  come. 

Whittled  down  to.    Reduced. 

Whole  souled.    Noble  minded. 

Wind  up,  instead  of  to  silence ;  to  settle. 

Wool  over  the  eyes,  (to  draw  the).    To  impose  on. 

Worst  kind  of,  instead  of  in  the  worst  or  severest  manner. 

Who  did  you  see,  for  whom  did  you  see. 

Yank.    A  jerk. 

Yourn,  instead  of  yours,  or  your  own. 


LETTEE  -  WRITHSTG. 


""Words  are  things;  and  a  small  drop  of  ink, 
Falling  like  dew  upon  a  thought,  produces 
That  which  makes  thousands,  perhaps  millions,  think." 

WHOEVER  can  talk  well  can  write  well.  The  resources  that  enable  one  to 
shine  in  conversation  supply  the  material  for  entertaining  letters.  There  is 
this  difference,  however,  which  suggests  the  exercise  of  caution  and  calls  for 
discretion :  Words  spoken  take  shades  of  meaning  from  the  tone,  the  inflec- 
tion, the  expression  of  the  face.  Written  words  have  no  such  outward  gar- 
ments of  grace,  and  must  be  handled  more  cautiously.  Besides,  the  words 
of  people  in  conversation  are  sympathetic,  while  a  gay  letter  may  find  a 
friend  plunged  in  the  deepest  sorrow. 

In  all  cases,  no  matter  how  great  the  intimacy,  self-respect  and  respect 
for  the  friend  demand  that  no  letter  should  be  carelessly  written.  Blots, 
erasures  and  soiled  pape*  are  inexcusable.  In  brief  notes,  no  matter  how 
trivial,  attention  to  neatness  is  all  the  more  important.  There  is  a  right  way 
and  a  wrong  way  of  doing  everything,  and  the  right  way  is  the  polite  and 
respectful  way.  Simplicity  is  in  the  best  taste,  here  as  elsewhere.  The 
hand  writing  should  be  legible  and  plain,  divested  of  pretense  in  the  shape 
of  flourishes,  and  the  spelling,  capitals  and  punctuation  correct.  Abbrevia- 
tions of  names,  rank  or  title,  except  such  as  the  best  usages  sanction,  are  not 
permitted,  and  the  underlining  of  words  for  emphasis  is  very  seldom  allow- 
able. Figures  are  used  for  dates  only ;  sums  of  money  should  be  written 
out,  and  if  numerals  are  used  they  should  be  enclosed  in  parenthesis  and 
follow  the  written  sum  to  prevent  the  possibility  of  error.  On  any  letter, 


LE  TTER  -  WRITING.  307 

the  address  of  the  writer  may  be  neatly  printed  at  the  top  of  the  sheet.  Busi- 
ness letters  should  always  bear  the  direction  and  date.  Friendly  notes 
require  only  day  of  the  week,  with  street  and  number  if  in  a  city.  The  qual- 
ity of  paper  and  envelopes  is  important.  White  is  in  better  taste  than 
colored,  and  the  quality  should  be  the  very  best.  Fashion  changes  form  and 
style,  but  never  the  quality.  Thin  paper  and  envelopes  always  give  a  letter 
an  untidy  appearance.  Crossed  letters  are  never  respectful  even  when  writ- 
ten to  near  relatives.  Careless  or  slovenly  writing  is  not  an  evidence  of 
greatness,  but  of  weakness,  and  the  impression  made  on  the  recipient  is  inva- 
riably and  inevitably  bad.  If  it  is  simple  carelessness  it  hints  at  slovenly 
personal  habits ;  if  an  affectation,  it  means  a  weakness  of  the  head  not  desir- 
able or  profitable  in  a  friend.  Long  letters  are  excusable  only  to  friends  who 
are  certain  to  feel  a  deep  personal  interest  in  trivial  matters  connected  with 
one's  life.  In  all  letters,  formal  or  informal,  simplicity  is  the  highest  merit. 
The  stilted  style  of  the  olden  times  is  out  of  fashion.  The  modern  idea  is 
that  familiarity  and  ceremony  are  alike  ill-bred  and  deserve  banishment 
from  all  good  society.  Except  in  notes  of  invitation,  the  custom  of  writing 
in  the  third  person  has  gone  out  of  use,  unless  it  be  among  those  who  cling 
to  old-school  customs,  and  then  only  when  the  note  does  not  exceed  a 
very  few  lines.  A  French  lady  never  uses  the  third  person  in  writing, 
except  to  her  dressmaker.  It  would  not  be  polite,  however,  as  a  rule,  to 
reply  in  the  first  person  to  a  note  written  in  the  third ;  certainly  not  to  one 
written  in  the  first  person  by  one  in  the  third.  The  signing  of  the  name  to 
a  note  in  the  third  person,  or  to  change  from  the  third  to  the  first  person 
renders  it  absurd.  No  friendly  or  formal  letter  should  be  written  on  a  half 
sheet ;  such  economy  is  only  permitted  in  business  letters.  Brevity  is  not  a 
fault  in  friendly  letters,  provided  all  has  been  said.  Writing  against  space 
is  easily  detected.  Say  concisely  all  you  have  to  say  and  close.  Business 
letters  should  be  as  concise  as  clearness  will  permit.  Black  ink  is  always 
better  and  more  lasting  than  any  other. 

The  most  important  part  of  letter-writing  is  to  address  the  envelope  prop- 
erly. Some  four  million  letters  find  their  way  to  the  dead  letter  office  every 
year,  a  large  number  of  them  from  careless  or  improper  direction.  When 
the  interests  often  involved  are  considered,  this  failure  becomes  a  matter  of 
serious  import.  A  proper  address  gives  the  title  and  name,  the  postoffice, 


308  LETTER -WRITING. 

the  county  and  state.  Except  in  cities  so  large  that  their  location  is  well 
known,  the  county  is  necessary  for  the  prompt  transmission  of  the  letter. 
The  mails  are  now  largely  distributed  on  mail  cars  while  in  transit,  instead 
of  accumulating  in  large  distributing  offices,  as  formerly,  at  the  penalty  of 
a  day's  delay.  The  route  agents  have  a  system  of  distributing  by  counties, 
which  are  easily  learned  and  kept  in  mind,  while  it  would  be  next  to  an 
impossibility  to  recall  the  location  of  all  the  postoffices  even  of  a  single  state. 
If,  therefore,  the  county  is  distinctly  written  on  the  envelope,  the  letter  is 
thrown  at  once  without  delay  to  its  proper  place,  and  promptly  finds  its  way 
to  the  postoffice  and  person  for  which  it  is  intended ;  while  if  only  the  name 
of  an  obscure  town  appears,  time  is  required  to  look  up  its  locality,  and  on 
fast  mail  trains  this  time  is  often  wanting,  and  the  letter  is  laid  aside  for  a 
more  convenient  season.  The  usual  titles  to  an  address  are  Mr.,  Mrs.,  Miss 
and  Master,  the  latter  being  employed  in  addressing  a  boy.  Esq.  has  lost  its 
significance  from  its  too  common  use ;  it  belongs  only  after  the  names  of 
lawyers,  artists,  and  men  of  high  and  generally  acknowledged  social  posi- 
tion. In  no  case  should  Mr.  be  used  before  a  name  and  Esq.  after  it ;  one 
title  is  sufficient.  The  name  should  never  be  written  diagonally  across  an 
envelope.  The  name  of  a  state  is  often  abbreviated,  but  care  must  be  taken, 
as  many  abbreviations  are  so  similar  that  mistakes  are  likely  to  occur. 
Nearly  all  titles  are  abbreviated,  as  Mr.,  Mrs.,  Esq.,  Rev.,  Capt.,  Dr.,  Prof., 
Pres.,  and  must  be  followed  by  a  period.  Miss  is  not  an  abbreviation,  and 
requires  no  mark  after  it.  If  any  part  of  the  name  or  any  word  of  the  address 
is  abbreviated  a  period  follows.  A  period  always  follows  an  initial,  but  the 
use  of  a  comma  between  parts  of  a  name  is  incorrect.  All  the  words  of  the 
address,  except  prepositions  and  articles,  are  written  with  capitals.  A  com- 
ma follows  the  name  of  the  person,  the  town  and  the  county,  and  a  period 
is  placed  at  the  end  of  the  entire  address.  Honorary  titles  are  a  mark  of 
respect,  and  a  means  of  identification  which  will  insure  prompt  delivery  by 
the  postmaster.  If  titles  follow  the  name,  a  comma  follows  each  title. 
Hon.  is  properly  applied  to  judges,  senators,  representatives,  heads  of  gov- 
ernment departments,  mayors,  and  others  of  like  rank.  His  Excellency 
applies  to  the  President  of  the  United  States,  an  Ambassador  of  the  United 
States,  or  the  Governor  of  the  state .  This  title  is  written  on  a  line  by  itself, 
as: 


LETTER  -  WRITING. 


309 


His  Excellency, 

Gov.  John  S.  Pillsbury, 

Minneapolis,  Minn. 

In  addition,  to  titles,  it  is  usual,  when  the  person  occupies  some  prominent 
position,  to  name  that  also  in  the  address,  as : 

Rev.  E.  O.  Haven,  D.D.,  LL.D., 

Chancellor  of  Syracuse  University, 

Syracuse,  N.  Y. 

The  title  of  her  husband  is  sometimes  prefixed  to  the  wife's  name,  as  Mrs. 
Dr.  Haven.  The  use  of  two  titles  which  mean  the  same  thing  in  an  address 
is  an  error,  as  Dr.  A.  Y.  James,  M.  D.  In  the  larger  cities,  where  letters  are 
delivered  by  carriers  to  the  number  of  the  business  office  or  residence,  that, 
also,  should  be  added  to  the  address  immediately  following  the  name.  The 
proper  form  is  here  illustrated : 


Stamp. 


J.   B.   LIPPINCOTT  &  CO., 

715  MARKET  STREET, 
PHILADELPHIA, 
PENNA. 


In  cities  like  Chicago,  Cincinnati,  New  York  and  Philadelphia,  when  no 
doubt  could  arise  from  its  omission,  the  name  of  the  state  need  not  appear, 
but  in  less  conspicuous  cities  the  state,  and  in  all  towns  not  widely  known 
both  county  and  state  should  appear.  The  importance  of  adding  the  county 
to  the  address,  even  when  a  city  of  considerable  importance  is  the  place  of 
destination,  cannot  be  urged  too  strongly.  An  indignant  route  agent,  whose 
precious  time  had  been  consumed  in  looking  up  towns  whose  location  would 
have  been  known  at  a  glance  if  the  county  had  been  added,  wrote  a  sharp 
letter  of  protest  to  the  Chicago  Tribune,  and  addressed  it  "Chicago-,  Cook 


310  LETTER  -  WRITING. 

County,  111.,"  as  an  illustration  of  what  he  thought  the  letter-writing  public 
ought  to  be  taught  to  do.  The  stamp  should  always  be  affixed  at  the  upper 
right  hand  corner,  for  the  convenience  of  the  clerk  who  cancels  the  stamp. 
The  following  forms  will  illustrate :  A  letter  addressed  to  an  untitled 
citizen  of  a  leading  well-known  city,  is  addressed  as  follows : 

Mr.  Henry  C.  Talbot, 

Richmond, 

Va. 

The  following  illustrates  an  address  with  honorary  titles : 

Rev.  E.  O.  Haven,  D.D.,  LL.D., 

Chancellor  of  University, 

Syracuse,  N.  Y. 

A  letter  addressed  to  a  member  of  the  President's  cabinet  is  properly 
directed  as  follows : 

Hon.  R.  W.  Thompson, 

Secretary  of  the  Navy, 

Washington,  D.  C. 

Letters  to  the  President  himself  are  addressed  in  the  following  form : 

To  the  President, 

Executive  Mansion, 

Washington,  D.  C. 

To  address  the  Governor  of  the  state,  the  following  is  a  correct  form : 

His  Excellency, 

Grov.  John  S.  Pilisbury, 

Minneapolis,  Minn. 

To  a  resident  of  a  large  city,  where  a  number  is  required,  the  following  is 
a  good  form : 

Miss  Helen  Graham, 

217  Hawthorne  Ave. 

St.  Louis,  Mo. 

In  addressing  a  person  whose  letters  are  sent  in  care  of  another  person  or 
firm,  the  following  form  is  used : 

Mr.  James  Hardwick, 

Care  Cleveland  Paper  Co., 

163  Dearborn  St., 

Chicago. 


LETTER  -  WRITING. 


311 


When  letters  are  addressed  to  persons  living  in  smaller  cities  and  towns, 
the  county  is  added  to  the  address : 

Miss  Nellie  F.  Cornell, 

Marysville, 

Union  Co.,  Ohio. 

A  letter  of  introduction  is  addressed  as  follows,  and  should  always  be  left 
unsealed : 

Col.  Chas.  T.  Perkins, 

Akron, 

Ohio. 
Introducing  Mr.  F.  G.  Jones. 

All  business  letters  ought  to  have  printed  or  written  on  the  upper  left 
hand  corner  a  card  like  the  following,  to  insure  its  return,  if  the  person  to 
whom  it  is  addressed  is  not  found.  Otherwise  it  is  sent  to  the  dead-letter 
office: 


After  ten  days  return  to 

WILCOX,  DIAMOND  &  CO., 

Minneapolis,  Minn. 


Stamp. 


MR.   CHAS.   F.  COFFMAN, 
SOUTH  BEND, 
INDIANA. 


A  note  entrusted  to  the  care  of  another  for  delivery  is  addressed  as  fol- 
lows, and  is  always  left  unsealed : 

Miss  Helen  Barton, 


City. 


Kindness  of  Mr.  H.  E.  Newcomb. 


A  letter  sent  by  post  to  a  resident  of  the  same  city  is  addressed  as  follows, 
adding  the  number  of  the  street  when  the  city  has  a  system  of  delivery  by 
carriers : 

Miss  Florence  Sedgewick, 

10  Hawthorne  Ave., 

City. 


312  LETTER  -  WRITING. 

In  writing  a  letter,  the  first  thing  to  be  considered  is  the  heading.  This 
consists  of  the  name  of  the  city  where  the  writer  lives,  with  the  state  (and 
county,  when  necessary  for  the  accurate  address  of  the  reply),  the  day  of  the 
month  and  the  year,  as : 

Bed  Wing,  Minn.,  June  20,  1881. 

The  day  of  the  week  is  sometimes  given.  It  is  important  to  give  town 
(county,  if  city  or  town  is  small)  and  state,  in  heading,  as  these  indicate  the 
address  to  which  the  letter  is  to  be  returned,  in  case  it  finds  its  way  to  the 
dead  letter  office.  It  is  also  important  that  the  heading  should  be  full  and 
plain,  as  that  gives  the  return  address  to  the  person  who  receives  the  letter, 
and  who  is  expected  to  reply.  A  comma  should  follow  name  of  city,  state, 
and  day  of  month,  a  period  closing  the  line.  In  case  the  name  of  the  state 
is  abbreviated,  a  period  follows  the  name  and  a  comma  follows  the  period  as : 

Red  Wing,  Minn.,  June  10, 1881. 

Never  write  a  comma  between  the  name  of  the  month  and  the  numerals 
which  indicate  the  day  of  the  month,  as,  June  SO,  and  the  use  of  s£,  th,  or  d, 
after  the  number  of  the  day  of  the  month,  always  disfigures  the  heading  of 
a  letter,  and  conveys  no  meaning.  In  large  cities,  where  the  number  should 
be  given  in  addition  to  the  above,  the  form  may  be  as  follows : 

219  Hennepin  Avenue,  Minneapolis,  Minn., 
June  20, 1881. 

Or,  in  case  the  paper  or  card  is  narrow  and  the  address  is  unusually  long, 
three  lines  may  be  used : 

744  and  747  Harrison  Avenue, 

Minneapolis,  Minn., 

June  20, 1870. 

Often  it  is  necessary  to  name  the  county  in  a  heading  also,  as: 

.  Benson,  Swift  Co.,  Minn., 
June  20, 1881. 

In  writing  from  such  cities  as  New  York  and  Philadelphia,  where  no  mistake 
or  confusion  is  possible,  the  state  may  be  omitted.  St  or  Ave  are  followed 
by  a  period  because  abbreviations. 


LETTER  -  WRITING.  313 

When  writing  from  hotels,  or  from  colleges  or  seminaries,  the  name  may 
appear  also  in  the  heading,  as : 


University  of  Minnesota,  Minneapolis,  Minn., 
June  20, 1881. 


Or  as  follows: 


Nicollet  House, 

Minneapolis,  Minn., 

June  20, 1881. 

The  heading  should  be  written  on  the  first  ruled  line  of  the  sheet,  begin- 
ning about  the  middle  of  the  line.  When  it  consists  of  two  or  three  lines, 
each  should  begin  further  to  the  right  than  the  last.  In  the  case  of  notes 
which  do  not  fill  the  paper,  more  symmetry  is  secured  by  leaving  the  space 
at  top  and  bottom  about  equal,  but  these  are  generally  written  on  unruled 
paper. 

The  name  of  the  person  to  whom  the  letter  is  addressed  should  begin  on 
the  next  line  below  that  on  which  the  heading  is  written,  and  should  be 
followed  by  the  full  address,  in  all  business  letters,  as : 

1218  Hennepin  Ave., 

Minneapolis,  Minn.,  June  20, 1881. 

Mr.  Henry  C.  Meredyth, 

Martinsville,  Va. 

Dear  Sir,— 

If  addressed  to  a  person  who  resides  in  a  large  city,  the  number  and  name 
of  the  street  should  be  given.  A  comma  follows  the  name  of  the  person, 
and  of  the  city,  and  a  period  at  the  end  of  the  address.  The  use  of  a  colon 
or  a  semi-colon  is  incorrect.  The  title  and  name  should  appear  on  one  line, 
and  the  name  of  the  town,  county  and  state  on  the  second,  beginning  the 
second  line  a  little  to  the  right  of  the  first.  If  unusually  long,  as  sometimes 
happens  when  the  number  of  the  street  is  given,  three  lines  may  be  used. 
In  the  latter  case  the  salutation  which  opens  the  letter  should  be  written 
below  the  third  line,  but  the  first  word  should  be  written  immediately  below 
the  beginning  of  the  second  line,  as — 

Hon.  Azro  Hutchins, 

29  Nicollet  Avenue, 

Minneapolis,  Minn. 
Dear  Sir,— 


314  LETTER  -  WRITING. 

If  the  address  consists  of  two  lines,  the  salutation  begins  below  and  a 
little  to  the  right  of  the  second  line.  A  study  of  these  rules,  and  a  little 
experimenting  with  the  forms  they  prescribe,  will  make  the  necessity  for 
their  existence  evident.  These  forms  are  best  because  they  make  the  open- 
ing of  a  letter  more  symmetrical  than  any  others. 

The  words  Sir,  Friend,  Father,  Mother,  etc.,  when  used  in  the  salutation, 
are  always  capitalized.  To  begin  such  a  word,  in  such  a  place,  with  a  small 
letter,  would  serve  to  belittle  its  importance.  The  first  word  of  the  salutation 
should,  of  course,  begin  with  a  capital,  because  it  begins  a  sentence,  but  if 
one  of  the  words,  dear,  respected,  honored,  etc.,  is  used  after  the  first  word, 
it  is  not  capitalized,  as :  My  dear  Friend;  My  respected  Friend.  A  comma 
should  follow  the  salutation,  a  dash  may  or  may  not  follow  the  comma,  that 
being  a  matter  of  taste.  In  very  formal  official  greetings,  a  colon  is  used 
instead  of  a  comma,  but  a  semi-colon  is  never  proper. 

In  letters  to  familiar  friends,  the  salutation  begins  the  letter,  and  the  full 
name  and  address  are  given  at  the  lower  left  hand  corner  of  the  closing 
page.  The  full  address  at  the  beginning  of  a  letter  gives  it  too  formal 
appearance,  and  is  not  in  keeping  with  the  familiar  tone  of  the  letter  itself. 

There  are  various  titles  sanctioned  by  usage.  A  clergyman  is  properly 
addressed  as  Rev.  James  Stevens,  simply,  without  the  M.  A.  or  B.  A.  The 
salutation  at  the  beginning  of  a  letter  to  him  may  properly  be  Reverend  Sir, 
— or  Dear  Sir, — .  If  he  is  a  doctor  of  divinity,  he  is  Rev.  James  Stevens, 
D.  D.,  or  Rev.  Dr.  Stevens. 

If  a  doctor  of  medicine  is  to  be  addressed,  J.  H.  Morton,  M.  D.  or  Dr.  J. 
H.  Morton,  or,  when  no  confusion  could  arise,  Dr.  Morton,  is  the  form. 

A  lawyer  is  simply,  John  P.  Ray  Esq.,  unless  he  has  attained  higher 
honors,  such  as  Judge  or  Honorable. 

The  conclusion  to  a  letter  should  always  be  in  keeping  with  the  opening 
and  the  general  character  of  the  contents.  A  business  letter,  in  good  form, 
begins  and  ends  in  a  business-like  way,  as — 

Hastings,  Minn.,  June  20, 1881. 
J.  B.  Lippincott  &  Co., 

715  and  717  Market  Street, 

Philadelphia,  Penn. 
Gentlemen, — 


Respectfully. 

B.  F.  Graham. 


LE  TTEB  -  WAITING.  315 

The  same  forms  are  used  in  addressing  a  stranger,  as — 

Rochester,  Minn.,  June  20, 1881. 
Rev.  Henry  C.  Payne, 

Painesville,  Ohio, 
Dear  Sir,— 


Very  respectfully, 

Harvey  F.  Mason. 

The  absurdity  of  addressing  a  letter  in  the  opening,  Sir,  or  Gentlemen, 
and  closing  it  with  Very  affectionately,  is  too  evident  to  require  explanation. 
The  old  forms,  Your  obedient  servant,  and  Your  most  obedient  servant, 
belong  to  the  old  regime,  and  are  no  longer  used. 

Official  letters  are  more  formal  than  those  of  business.  For  the  salutation 
and  conclusion,  the  following  is  a  good  form: 

327  Washington  Street,  Boston, 

June  20, 1881. 
Hon.  N.  P.  Banks, 

Speaker  of  the  House, 

Washington,  D.  C. 


Very  respectfully, 

Theodore  Parsons. 

A  letter  to  an  acquaintance  is  slightly  less  formal  than  a  business  letter : 

Mankota,  Minn.,  June  20, 1881. 
Mr.  Henry  L.  Waters, 

Kalamazoo,  Mich., 

Dear  Sir,— 


Very  truly  yours, 

Vincent  A.  Small. 

In  a  letter  to  an  intimate  friend,  the  address  is  given  at  the  lower  left 
hand  corner  of  the  closing  page,  instead  of  at  the  beginning,  as — 

Delaware,  Ohio,  June  20, 1881. 

My  dear  Jones,— 

********** 

Sincerely  yours, 

Horace  P.  Latham. 
Mr.  H.  A.  Jones, 

Marblehead,  Mass.  -^ 


316  LETTER -WRITING. 

To  a  relative  the  form  closely  follows  the  above : 

Columbus,  Ohio,  June  20, 1881. 


My  dear  Mother,— 


Affectionately  yours, 

Albert  A.  Smith. 
Mrs.  I.  C.  Smith , 

Lenawee,  Mich. 

In  addressing  married  ladies,  the  word  Sir  gives  place  to  Madam,  and  it 
is  proper  to  use  it  in  addressing  the  unmarried,  as  there  is  no  substitute  for 
it  in  the  language.  To  a  stranger  the  following  form  may  be  used,  the  name 
being  given  as  the  salutation : 

Quincy,  111.,  June  20, 1881. 
Miss  Tillie  Hutchins,— 


Respectfully, 

Marvin  C.  Hughes. 
Miss  Tilla  Hutchins, 

Litchfield,  Minn. 

To  an  acquaintance,  the  form  may  be  as  follows : 

Batavla,  111.,  June  20, 1881. 


Dear  Miss  Bingham, — 


Very  respectfully, 

Marlon  K.  Harris. 
Miss  Julia  Bingham, 

Ashtabula,  Ohio. 

Those  who  write  letters  should  remember  that  it  is  a  duty  to  write  as 
cheerfully  as  possible.  It  is  selfish  to  compel  others  to  share  our  sorrows. 
Tearful  letters  are  weak  and  selfish  at  best,  and  it  is  better  for  the  afflicted 
not  to  write  until  time  has  enabled  them  to  write  resignedly  if  not  cheer- 
fully. 

No  letter  should  be  written  hastily  or  in  a  fit  of  indignation.  Such 
letters  are  always  regretted  when  it  is  too  late  to  recall  them. 

In  writing  to  one  who  is  the  guest  of  another,  take  care  to  place  the  name 
of  the  host  on  the  envelope,  as : 

Miss  Effie  Stonewall, 

Care  of  Judge  H.  C.  Earle, 

27  Sunbury  St., 

Boston,  Mass. 


LETTER  -  WRITING.  317 

Short  notes  to  strangers  on  business  may  be  written  in  the  third 
person,  as: 

Mrs.  Jones  presents  her  compliments  to  Mrs.  Smith,  and  requests  as  a  favor  any  infor- 
mation regarding  the  character  of  Bridget  Malony,  who  has  applied  to  her  for  a  situation. 
27  Seventh  Street  South. 

The  reply  should,  of  course,  be  in  the  third  person.  It  is  not  likely  how- 
ever, that  a  straightforward,  business-like  statement  of  what  is  wanted,  in 
the  usual  direct  form,  would  give  offense  to  the  most  fastidious.  Directness 
in  business  matters  commands  respect  even  among  women. 

In  the  more  familiar  degrees  of  friendship  no  formal  rules  are  possible. 
The  general  rule  is  that  the  tone  of  the  letter,  and  its  opening  and  con- 
clusion must  be  in  keeping  with  each  other,  and  with  this  rule  in  mind,  no 
one  with  good  sense  and  good  taste  will  go  far  astray.  In  writing  to  mar- 
ried ladies,  a  stranger  is  addressed  as  Madame,  an  acquaintance  as  Dear 
Madame,  a  friend  as,  Dear  Mrs.  Willard.  In  addressing  married  ladies  the 
grades  of  familiarity  are  denoted  by  the  salutations :  Madame,  Dear 
Madame,  My  Dear  Madame,  Dear  Mrs.  Jones,  My  Dear  Mrs.  Jones,  and 
My  Dear  Friend.  The  conclusions  which  correspond  with  these  grades  are 
Yours  truly,  Very  truly  yours,  Sincerely  yours,  Cordially  yours,  Faithfully 
yours,  and  Affectionately  yours.  To  aged  persons,  With  great  respect 
sincerely  yours,  is  a  good  form  in  closing  to  persons  of  either  sex.  Believe  me, 
with  kind  regards,  sincerely  yours,  is  a  good  form  in  closing  a  letter  to  a 
friend.  Sir  or  Madame  simply  denotes  that  there  is  no  familiarity  between 
the  parties,  and  the  proper  conclusion  to  a  letter  so  begun  is  Your  truly,  or 
Truly  yours,  or  Respectfully  all  of  which  are  formal.  These  forms  are  con- 
sequently used  between  people  who  know  each  other,  but  are  not  on  the 
same  social  footing,  in  consequence  of  which  there  is  no  familiarity  between 
them.  Persons  writing  to  others  of  a  superior  or  inferior  station,  use  these 
forms  as  simply  indicating  that  they  are  not  on  a  footing  of  familiar 
acquaintance.  In  replying  to  a  stranger  who  begins  with  Sir  or  Madame, 
it  is  often  civil  and  graceful  to  advance  a  step  toward  familiarity  and  use 
Dear  Sir  or  Dear  Madame ;  it  would  be  very  rude  to  reply  to  a  letter  begun 
with  Dear  Sir  or  Dear  Madame,  with  one  beginning,  Sir  or  Madame, 
unless  the  writer  of  the  first  deserved  rebuke. 


318  LETTER -WRITING. 

All  married  women  are  addressed  by  the  names  of  their  husbands.  The 
use  of  the  baptismal  name  means  that  the  lady  is  unmarried  or  a  widow. 
Formal  letters,  such  as  begin  with  Sir  or  Madame  are  signed  by  initials, 
and  not  by  the  full  Christian  name,  which  is  reserved  for  more  familiar 
friends. 

Ladies  who  are  very  formal  and  punctillious,  address  servants  thus :  To 
Emma  Mason,  *  *  *  and  in  writing  to  trades-people  with  whom  they 
deal,  use  the  third  person,  or  the  formal  Sir,  signing  Yours  truly,  with  only 
the  initials  of  the  name,  as  J.  E.  Vaughn,  not  Julia  E.  Vaughn.  No 
gentleman  signs  his  name  with  the  title,  Mr.  nor  does  a  lady  prefix  Miss  or 
Mrs.  This  latter  gives  rise  to  confusion,  as  unless  some  hint  is  given  it  is 
impossible  for  a  stranger  who  receives  a  letter,  signed  J.  E.  Vaughn  to  know 
whether  the  writer  is  man,  maid  or  wife.  The  full  address  is  therefore  given 
in  the  lower  left-hand  corner  of  the  last  page,  or  in  a  business  letter,  in  the 
first  line  of  which  the  full  address  is  given,  the  title  Miss  or  Mrs.  may 
properly  appear,  enclosed  in  a  parenthesis,  as: 

Respectfully, 

(Miss)  J.  E.  Vaughn. 

Foreigners  of  distinction  never  write  their  titles  before  their  names,  nor 
is  it  ever  permitted  for  an  American  gentleman  to  write  Hon.  or  any  other 
title  in  making  his  signature.  In  writing  business  or  formal  letters,  make 
them  as  brief  and  concise  as  possible,  with  a  clear  expression  of  what  you 
need  to  say.  Sign  the  full  name  only  in  writing  to  friends  and  equals. 
Never  make  the  reply  to  a  note  or  letter  more  formal  than  the  letter  itself 
unless  the  writer  of  the  first  presumed  upon  a  familiarity  which  did  not 
exist,  and  deserves  rebuke.  Reply  promptly  to  a  letter  or  note,  and  be  sure 
that  the  full  postage  is  prepaid.  In  regular  correspondence,  the  time  when 
a  reply  should  be  made,  depends  on  circumstances  and  the  intimacy  of  the 
parties.  Correspondents  who  will  not  "stay  answered"  a  reasonable  time 
make  too  great  demands  upon  the  time  of  busy  people.  Acknowledge 
favors,  and  all  courteous  attentions  that  require  acknowledgement, 
immediately.  After  returning  home  from  a  visit  to  a  friend  in  another  city, 
write  at  once  of  your  safe  arrival  and  your  appreciation  of  the  hospitality 
you  have  enjoyed. 


LETTER-WRITING.  319 

It  was  the  custom  formerly  to  leave  a  margin  on  the  left  side  of  each 
written  page,  but  the  practice  is  no  longer  followed  except  in  legal 
documents,  or  papers  on  which  marginal  notes  would  be  a  convenience. 
The  body  of  the  letter  should  begin  on  the  line  below  the  salutation,  and 
immediately  under  the  comma  which  follows  it%  Paragraphs  should  be 
made  only  when  the  subject  is  changed.  Letters  which  run  different  sub- 
jects together,  and  those  which  cut  up  the  same  subject  into  paragraphs,  are 
equally  difficult  to  resolve  into  sense.  A  new  paragraph  in  the  body  of  the 
letter  should  always  begin  a  little  to  the  right  of  the  general  marginal  line. 

In  the  scope  of  such  a  book  as  this  it  is  impossible  to  give  more  than  a 
few  general  hints  in  regard  to  writing.  Those  who  have  an  ambition  to 
perfect  themselves  in  manners  are  seldom  lacking  in  the  rudiments  of  learn- 
ing at  least,  and  most  possess  not  only  the  ambition  to  acquire  knowledge, 
but,  what  is  of  more  importance  in  after  life,  have  learned  how  to  learn,  how 
to  make  the  experience  of  every  day  contribute  to  the  stock  of  knowledge 
already  at  command.  To  such,  all  sources  of  information  pay  tribute.  The 
rules  of  punctuation  and  the  art  of  neat  and  forcible  expression  are  matters 
for  which  we  must  refer  our  readers  to  such  volumes  as  "  Punctuation,"  by 
W.  A.  Acker,  A.M.,  A.S.,  Barnes  &  Co.,  Chicago,  or  to  the  fuller  well-known 
treatise  on  the  same  subject  by  Mr.  John  Wilson. 

As  to  style,  in  the  busy  life  of  this  age,  when  so  many  interests  crowd 
upon  even  the  obscure,  that  which  is  most  compact  and  condensed,  express- 
ing much  in  few  words,  is  the  best  and  most  likely  to  win  favor.  The  loss 
of  time  in  letter  writing,  because  conciseness  is  not  studied,  is  absolutely 
frightful,  and  the  worst  of  it  is  that  the  careless  and  prolix  writer  not  only 
wastes  his  own  time,  but  that  of  the  receiver  as  well,  so  that  there  is  a  double 
waste.  New  and  original  ideas  are  not  numerous,  but  he  who  has  a  faculty 
of  making  people  see  old  subjects  with  his  own  eyes,  and  from  a  new  stand- 
point, is  always  sure  of  a  hearing  if  he  is  brief  and  clear.  In  writing  letters, 
and  particularly  in  writing  for  the  press,  it  is  a  safe  rule  to  cut  out  every 
word  that  does  not  add  force  and  clearness.  There  are  words  that  are  full 
of  sound  and  empty  of  sense,  and  the  use  of  them  because  they  sound  large 
or  learned  weakens  the  force  of  every  sentence  in  which  they  appear.  As 
a  rule,  the  simplest  and  shortest  Anglo-Saxon  words  are  the  most  expressive 


320  LE  TTEE  -  WRITING. 

and  forcible.  A  great  command  of  flowery  language  is,  as  a  rule,  accompa- 
nied by  a  poverty  of  ideas. 

Those  who  commit  their  ideas  to  paper,  in  letters  to  friends  or  communi- 
cations for  the  press,  are  never  safe  unless  they  unsparingly  strike  out  all 
doubtful  paragraphs.  Spoken  words  may  be  recalled,  and  at  worst  the  audi- 
ence is  small,  but  that  which  is  written  can  never  be  amended  after  it  passes 
out  of  your  hands,  and  the  injury  done  by  an  error  is  only  measured  by  the 
degree  of  its  stupidity  and  the  position  and  ambition  of  the  author.  Jour- 
nalism already  stands  as  one  of  the  professions,  and  one  which  holds  a  high 
rank  and  is  destined  to  hold  one  still  higher,  because  it  commands  an  audi- 
ence and  wields  a  power  within  the  reach  of  no  other  calling.  The  lawyer 
talks  to  a  handful  who  make  up  a  jury,  or  in  case  of  public  interest,  to  a 
crowded  court  room  of  a  few  hundred.  The  most  popular  clergyman 
preaches  his  Sunday  discourses  to  a  thousand,  or  possibly,  if  famous,  to  two 
thousand.  But  the  editor  of  the  smallest  and  most  insignificant  provincial 
newspaper  writes  of  local  happenings  to  be  read  by  hundreds,  while  the 
dailies  and  the  popular  weeklies  and  magazines  number  their  readers  by  the 
tens  of  thousands,  and  the  more  successful  by  the  hundreds  of  thousands, 
even.  The  one  thing  to  bear  in  mind  in  writing  for  the  press  is  that  every 
word  has  a  price.  If  sent  by  telegraph  its  transmission  is  costly ;  if  written 
it  must  be  set  up  in  type,  the  proof  read  and  corrected,  type  and  paper  used, 
and  valuable  space  occupied.  Every  word  should  be  weighty  with  mean- 
ing. It  is  important  to  write  very  plainly,  that  no  extra  time  may  be  con- 
sumed in  deciphering  obscure  words,  and  to  write  on  one  side  only,  so  that 
the  page  may  be  divided  up  among  two  or  three  compositors  when  it  is 
necessary  to  put  the  article  in  type  immediately.  Names,  particularly, 
should  be  distinctly  written.  Begin  with  the  subject  at  once,  and  stop  when 
done  with  it.  Empty  compliments  at  the  beginning  and  rounded  sentences 
at  the  close  are  not  appreciated  by  editors,  if  they  are  empty  of  meaning. 
Above  all,  never  write  for  the  press  for  the  sake  of  seeing  yourself  in  print. 
If  you  have  something  to  say  that  you  think  will  be  useful  to  others,  which 
will  further  some  good  cause,  write  it  briefly  and  concisely ;  if  you  wish  to 
display  your  smartness  you  will  succeed  only  in  displaying  your  ears  if  news- 
paper readers  are  quick  to  see  the  writer  behind  the  article. 

Letters  of  business  should  be  brief  and  to  the  point,  written  legibly,  and 


LETTER  -  WRITING.  321 

without  flourish.  No  business  letter  should  be  sealed  until  it  has  been  read 
carefully  and  any  error  or  want  of  clearness  corrected.  Every  letter  of  im- 
portance should  be  copied,  either  by  pen  or  copying  press,  and  the  copy 
carefully  filed  away.  Every  letter  remitting  money  should  state  the  amount 
and  whether  by  draft,  postoffice  order,  or  currency.  Evety  letter  received 
should  be  neatly  filed  away  with  date  and  name ~of  writer  written  across  the 
end  for  ready  reference.  The  rubber  bands  to  be  found  at  every  book  store 
hold  letters  so  filed  in  a  compact  and  convenient  package,  so  that  they  occu- 
py little  room.  If  large  numbers  of  letters  are  received,  other  means  of  fur- 
ther classifying  them  will  suggest  themselves. 

A  letter,  the  answer  to  which  is  a  matter  of  courtesy  and  not  of  any  per- 
sonal or  pecuniary  advantage  to  the  writer,  should  enclose  a  stamp  for  reply. 

Letters  of  friendship  must  be  frequent  and  full  of  innocent  gossip,  spicily 
told,  to  be  of  interest.  If  there  is  too  large  a  gap  between  letters,  links  in 
the  chain  of  events  are  dropped  and  interest  flags.  The  less  gush  and  senti- 
mentality expressed  in  words  the  better.  An  attachment,  the  sincerity  of 
which  is  shown  by  acts,  is  a  thousand  times  more  winning  than  that  which 
pours  itself  out  in  words.  The  affection  which  it  seems  to  require  an  effort 
to  conceal  touches  the  heart  most  surely.  A  letter  which  runs  over  with 
gushing  expressions  cloys  the  appetite  for  sweet  things,  and  is  dropped  with 
a  feeling  of  disgust. 

Letters  of  love  are  always  honest.  If  not  true  and  truthful  they  are  not 
love-letters.  No  letters  need  to  be  more  carefully  written  to  be  certain  that 
they  say  exactly  what  they  are  intended  to  say.  Ladies,  particularly,  should 
be  very  sure  of  their  ground  and  very  careful  to  maintain  their  dignity  in 
the  early  stages  of  the  disease.  An  unconditional  surrender,  if  too  early,  is 
very  unwise.  Men  have  a  good  deal  of  human  nature  about  them,  and 
always  want  very  much  what  they  cannot  get,  and  prize  very  much  what 
they  find  it  hard  to  obtain.  The  discreet  woman  allows  her  lover  to  hope, 
but  keeps  enough  of  doubt  in  the  courtship  to  spice  it.  It  is  a  matter  of 
honor  as  well  as  of  etiquette  to  keep  all  love  correspondence  sacredly  private. 
3S"o  lady  who  has  any  respect  for  herself  or  any  just  sense  of  right  will  show 
letters  intended  for  her  eyes  alone  to  even  the  most  intimate  friend ;  and  a 
man  who  will  parade  letters  written  to  him,  and  boast  of  his  love  conquests, 
is  not  fit  to  exist  in  a  civilized  community.  If  an  engagement  is  broken  off 


322  LETTER -WRITING. 

or  a  love  correspondence  ceases,  all  letters  should  be  returned  to  the  writers 
and  destroyed. 

Correspondence  with  strangers  is  sometimes  innocently  begun  by  young 
ladies  who  have  not  had  the  best  of  training  and  who  are  of  a  romantic  turn 
of  mind.  It  is  a  dangerous  amusement,  to  say  the  least.  The  young  man 
must  be  lacking  in  some  essential  quality  of  a  gentleman  if  he  cannot  secure 
a  sufficient  number  of  correspondents  among  his  friends,  and  no  young  lady 
of  spirit  would  care  to  take  up  with  young  men  who  are  cast  off  by  all  the 
young  ladies  who  know  them.  Besides,  letters  written  to  strangers  have  no 
sort  of  sacredness  about  them,  and  are  exhibited  and  read  to  sneering  circles 
of  friends,  and  generally  made  the  subject  of  ridicule. 

To  close,  we  cannot  quote  a  more  condensed  summing  up  of  the  rules  of 
composition  than  the  following:  "  Purity,  propriety  and  precision,  chiefly 
in  regard  to  words  and  phrases;  and  perspicuity,  unity  and  strength  in 
regard  to  sentences.  He  who  writes  with  purity  avoids  all  phraseology  that 
is  foreign,  uncouth  or  ill-derived ;  he  who  writes  with  propriety  selects  the 
most  appropriate,  the  very  best  expressions,  and  generally  displays  sound 
judgment  and  good  taste ;  he  who  writes  with  precision  is  careful  to  state 
exactly  what  he  means,  all  that  he  means,  all  that  is  necessary,  and  nothing 
more ;  he  who  writes  with  perspicuity  aims  to  present  his  meaning  so  clearly 
and  obviously  that  no  one  can  fail  to  understand  him  at  once;  he  who 
observes  unity  follows  carefully  the  most  agreeable  order  of  nature,  and  does 
not  jumble  together  incongruous  things,  nor  throw  out  his  thoughts  in  a 
confused  or  chaotic  mass ;  and  he  who  writes  with  strength  so  disposes  or 
marshals  all  the  parts  of  each  sentence  and  all  the  parts  of  the  discourse  as 
to  make  the  strongest  impression.  A  person's  style,  according  as  it  is  influ- 
enced by  taste  or  imagination,  may  be  dry,  plain,  neat,  elegant,  ornamental, 
florid  or  turgid.  The  most  common  faulty  style  is  that  which  may  be 
described  as  being  stiff,  cramped,  labored,  heavy  and  tiresome ;  its  opposite 
is  the  easy,  flowing,  graceful,  sprightly  and  interesting  style.  One  of  the 
greatest  beauties  of  style,  one  too  little  regarded,  is  simplicity  or  naturalness ; 
that  easy,  unaffected,  earnest,  an4  highly  impressive  language  which  indi- 
cates a  total  ignorance,  or  rather  innocence,  of  all  the  trickery  of  art.  It 
seems  to  consist  of  the  fine  promptings  of  nature ;  though  in  most  instances 
it  is  not  so  much  a  natural  gift  as  it  is  the  perfection  of  art." 


MISCELLANEOUS. 


IN  introducing  two  gentlemen,  address  the  elder,  or  superior,  with  "Allow 
me  to  introduce  my  friend,  Mr.  Jackson,  to  you.  Mr.  Jackson,  Mr.  Holmes." 

When  several  persons  ai*e  introduced  to  one,  it  is  necessary  to  speak  the 
name  of. the  one  only  once,  as  "Mr.  Johnson,  allow  me  to  introduce  you  to 
Mr.  James,  Mrs.  James,  Miss  Henry,  Mr.  Rathbone,"  etc. 

A  guest  is  introduced  to  all  friends,  who  are  obliged  to  continue  the 
acquaintance,  for  your  sake,  as  long  as  the  guest  remains.  If  introduced, 
when  calling,  to  the  guest  of  a  friend,  the  guest  must  receive  the  same  atten- 
tions you  would  expect  paid  to  your  own  visitors  under  similar  circum- 
stances. 

A  gentleman  walking  with  another  who  is  stopped  by  a  lady  who  desires 
to  speak  to  him,  may  or  may  not  be  introduced.  The  introduction  in  such 
a  case  does  not  exact  a  future  recognition. 

If  two  persons  who  are  the  bitterest  enemies  are  introduced  they  must 
greet  each  other  pleasantly  while  in  the  presence  of  or  in  the  house  of  a 
common  friend. 

An  introduction  secured  by  you  for  the  purpose  of  asking  a  favor  does 
not  entitle  you  to  after  i-ecognition. 

In  giving  introductions,  always  give  the  full  name,  as  "  Mrs.  Jones,  allow 
me  to  introduce  my  cousin,  Frank  Thornton;"  not  simply  "my  cousin 
Frank,"  which  would  leave  poor  Mrs.  Jones  in  doubt  as  to  what  the  name 
of  the  dear  cousin  might  be. 

Introductions  should  not  be  made  in  a  public  conveyance.  Calling  out  a 
name  makes  the  owner  of  it  unpleasantly  conspicuous. 


324  MISCELLANEOUS. 

To  introduce  a  person,  vho  is  in  any  way  objectionable,  to  a  friend,  is  an 
insult. 

Letters  of  introduction  should  seldom  be  given  to  persons  asking  favors, 
and  never  unless  the  person  addressed  is  under  great  obligations  to  the 
writer. 

Kissing  in  public,  or  in  greetings,  is  confined  to  gushing  school-girls  and 
very  intimate  friends.  Giving  the  hand  is  sufficiently  cordial.  Sensible 
people  distinguish  readily  between  real  warm-heartedness  and  familiarity, 
and  gushing  demonstrativeness.  Even  between  intimate  friends,  if  in  any- 
wise public,  it  is  a  vulgar  parade  of  affection.  Only  vulgar  clowns  salute 
friends  by  slapping  them  on  the  back,  or  an  unceremonious  poke. 

If  a  gentleman  talks  with  a  lady  on  the  street,  he  will  hold  his  hat  in  his 
hand,  unless  she  request  him  to  replace  it,  which  she  will  do  if  she  is  well- 
bred. 

Irreverence  in  places  of  worship  is  a  sure  sign  of  ill-breeding. 

In  saluting  a  number  of  friends  who  belong  to  the  same  party,  make  the 
warmth  of  the  greeting  as  nearly  equal  as  possible.  To  treat  an  acquaint- 
ance coolly,  and  greet  an  intimate  friend  with  over-cordial  warmth,  is  a 
conspicuous  display  of  partiality  wholly  out  of  taste. 

The  formal  call  is  much  abused  because  of  its  small  talk,  but  it  is,  after 
all,  the  most  agreeable  way  of  making  the  mere  acquaintance  a  friend.  The 
talk  at  a  party  or  ball  is  necessarily  general,  but  in  a  tete  a  tete  it  naturally 
takes  on  a  personal  character  favorable  to  the  promotion  of  intimacy 
between  congenial  persons. 

First  calls  must  be  promptly  returned,  even  if  the  second  is  never  made. 

Gentlemen,  if  making  a  formal  call  in  the  evening,  retain  hat  and  cane 
in  hand  until  invited  to  lay  them  aside  and  spend  the  evening.  This 
invitation  should  not  be  given,  and  if  given,  should  not  be  accepted,  on  the 
occasion  of  a  first  call. 

In  receiving  a  gentleman  caller,  a  gentleman  meets  him  at  the  door,  takes 
his  hat  and  cane,  and  places  a  chair  for  him ;  a  lady  simply  rises  to  bow>  and 
resumes  her  place  when  the  gentleman  is  seated. 

A  lady  when  calling  keeps  her  parasol  in  her  hand.  Fidgeting  in  any 
way  is  ill-bred. 

When  a  caller  is  ready  to  go,  there  is  nothing  to  be  done  but  to  rise  and 


MISCELLANEOUS.  325 

go,  expressing  pleasure  at  finding  friends  at  home.  Apologies  for  long  calls, 
looking  at  a  watch,  or  remarking  "Now  I  must  go,"  are  in  bad  taste.  A 
straightforward,  business-like  getting  out,  without  the  nonsense  of  lingering 
or  delay,  is  sensible  and  polite.  Never  resume  a  seat  after  rising  to  take 
leave.  Double  farewells  are  awkward. 

Trivial  subjects  are  in  order  for  calls.  Grave  discussions  and  weighty 
subjects  are  out  of  place. 

If  strangers  are  in  a  room  when  a  caller  leaves,  a  slight  bow  in  passing 
out  is  a  sufficient  recognition. 

Married  men  need  not  make  calls  of  ceremony.  The  wife  leaves  the  hus- 
band's card. 

Refreshments  to  callers  are  often  offered  in  the  country,  but  are  not 
necessary  in  the  city. 

Friends  of  a  family  should  call  upon  a  guest  as  soon  as  the  arrival  is 
Jknown. 

A  congratulatory  call  may  be  made  on  a  friend  who  is  indebted  for  a  call. 

Never  draw  near  a  fire  in  calling,  unless  invited. 

In  calling  on  an  invalid,  never  go  to  the  sick  room  until  invited. 

A  gentleman  who  is  a  confirmed  invalid  may  receive  visits  from  a  lady 
at  his  room,  but  in  no  other  case. 

Calls  made  by  card  or  in  person  on  the  sick,  must  be  returned  as  soon  as 
sufficiently  recovered. 

Never  remove  gloves  during  a  formal  call. 

It  is  an  offense  to  call  upon  friends  in  reduced  circumstances  in  the 
gorgeousness  of  an  expensive  wardrobe. 

The  mistress  may  not  leave  the  room  while  visitors  remain. 

It  is  rude  to  open  or  finger  the  piano,  or  to  examine  furniture  or  pictures, 
or  to  change  or  displace  any  article,  while  waiting  for  the  mistress. 

It  is  rude  to  place  one's  chair  so  as  to  have  the  back  to  any  one,  to  play 
with  any  article,  or  to  seem  to  be  aware  of  anything  except  the  company 
present  and  its  attractions. 

In  calling  on  friends,  at  a  boarding-house  or  hotel,  it  is  well  to  write  the 
name  of  the  friend  on  whom  the  call  is  made  over  your  own,  to  guard 
against  mistakes. 


326  MISCELLANEOUS. 

Gesticulations  in  conversation  are  always  in  bad  taste.  Declamation  is 
one  thing,  and  conversation  another. 

If  flattered,  seem  not  to  hear  or  understand,  or  maintain  a  quiet  dignity. 
Any  expression  of  pleasure  will  incur  the  contempt  of  the  flatterer. 

Never  notice  or  correct  an  error  in  the  speech  of  another. 

Whistling,  lounging  attitudes,  fidgeting,  fussing  with  the  dress  or  any 
part  of  it,  are  all  awkward  and  low-bred. 

Whispering  is  atrocious,  and  interrupting  or  contradicting  a  speaker  an 
insult. 

Sitting  or  standing  too  close  to  one  with  whom  you  are  conversing  is 
rude,  and  to  many  exceedingly  offensive. 

Laughing  in  advance  of  the  wit  of  what  one  is  about  to  say  is  silly. 

In  dealing  in  scandal,  as  in  robbery,  the  receiver  is  as  bad  as  the  thief. 

Swearing,  sneering,  and  private  woes  and  affairs  are  banished  from  the 
talk  of  cultivated  people. 

Nick  names  are  not  recognized  as  well-bred  in  good  society. 

Boasting  or  parading  wealth ,  possessions,  or  social  position,  or  distin- 
guished people  who  are  relatives  or  friends,  is  a  mark  of  a  weak  head  and 
low  breeding. 

Never  talk  to  a  man  about  his  business,  unless  he  opens  the  subject.  It 
seems  to  suggest  that  you  fear  that  he  cannot  talk  of  anything  else.  Eschew 
all  topics  that  may  be  painful  or  disagreeable. 

Subjects  that  might  be  uupleasant  or  disagreeable  to  any  of  those  present 
must  never  be  introduced  in  conversation. 

The  well-bred  husband  and  wife,  do  not  speak  of  each  other  as  "Smith" 
or  "  Jones,"  nor  as  "  my  husband  "  or  "  my  wife,"  except  among  relatives. 
"Mr.  Smith"  or  "Mrs.  Smith"  is  the  proper  phrase,  in  speaking  of  one'& 
husband  or  wife,  or  in  speaking  to  a  friend  of  his  or  her  husband  or  wife. 

Punning  is  always  to  be  avoided.  An  inveterate  punster  is  an  inveterate 
bore. 

While  business  and  professions  are  to  be  avoided  as  matters  of  conver- 
sation in  society,  it  is  always  polite  to  show  an  interest  in  personal  matters. 
A  mother  will  always  talk  of  her  children,  or  a  young  lady  of  her  last  party. 

A  clear,  distinct,  but  low,  tone  of  voice  is  indicative  of  high  breeding. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  327 

A  verbal  invitation  to  a  dinner  implies  a  very  informal  occasion,  with 
plain  dressing,  early  hours,  and  a  small  company. 

In  refusing  a  dish,  refuse  simply;  any  remarks,  such  as  "  Soup  does  not 
agree  with  me,"  are  unnecessary  and  out  of  place.  "No,  thank  you,"  is 
sufficient.  The  host  or  hostess  are  rude  if  they  press  a  dish  that  is  refused. 
Urging  people  to  eat  what  they  do  not  want  is  a  barbarous  hospitality. 

Apologies  for  food  by  host  or  hostess  are  generally  a  very  awkward  fish- 
ing for  compliments,  and  in  bad  taste. 

To  seem  to  attend  to  the  wants  of  a  lady  who  has  an  escort  already,  at 
table  or  elsewhere,  is  an  insult  to  the  escort. 

A  gentleman  or  lady  says  "  thank  you  "  simply  to  a  waiter.  An  apology 
or  censure  directed  to  servants  is  out  of  place.  No  w/ell-bred  host  or  hostess 
will  find  fault  with  servants  while  others  are  present. 

Never  smack  the  lips,  or  make  noises  in  the  mouth  or  throat,  or  pick  the 
teeth,  or  put  the  fingers  in  the  mouth,  wipe  fingers  on  the  table-cloth,  or 
speak  when  the  mouth  is  full,  or  slip  back  sleeves  and  cuffs  as  if  about  to 
take  a  round  at  fisticuffs. 

Never  eat  all  on  your  plate,  never  scrape  it,  or  wipe  it  with  bread,  or 
stretch  the  feet  or  legs  under  the  table  to  interfere  with  the  opposite 
neighbor. 

At  a  dinner  for  gentlemen  guests  only,  the  mistress  presides,  but  retires 
after  dinner. 

To  smoke  or  even  ask  to  smoke  in  the  presence  of  ladies  is  rude.  Ladies 
may  give  permission,  if  out  of  doors,  to  keep  gentlemen  from  running  away 
after  their  cigars.  To  smoke  in  the  streets  in  daylight  is  rude,  or  to  smoke 
at  all  in  rooms  which  ladies  occupy,  or  in  public  places  where  ladies 
congregate. 

It  is  not  in  accordance  with  etiquette  to  smoke  a  pipe  in  the  street,  or  to 
smoke  without  permission  in  the  presence  of  a  clergyman,  or  to  appear  in 
the  presence  of  ladies  with  clothes  saturated  with  smoke;  or  to  smoke  a 
cigar  without  offering  one  to  others  present. 

At  a  gentleman's  party,  the  host  only  has  a  right  to  call  for  a  toast  or  a 
song. 

If  a  gentleman  attends  a  ball  without  a  lady,  he  should  invite  one  of  the 


328  MISCELLANEOUS. 

ladies  of  the  household  to  dance,  and  place  himself  at  the  disposal  of  the 
hostess  for  the  benefit  of  "wall  flowers." 

A  lady  at  a  ball  never  gives  her  bouquet,  fan,  or  gloves  to  a  gentleman  to 
hold  during  a  dance,  unless  he  is  her  husband,  brother,  or  escort. 

A  gentleman  never  encircles  the  lady's  waist  in  the  waltz  until  the  dance 
begins,  and  drops  his  arm  as  soon  as  it  ends.  He  studies  to  hold  the  lady 
lightly  and  firmly  without  embracing  her. 

A  lady  may  stop  in  a  round  dance  at  any  time,  and  the  gentleman  will 
take  no  offense  and  make  no  objection.  He  finds  her  a  seat,  and  expresses 
regret.  She  may  release  him  to  find  another  partner,  but  he  will  not  accept 
the  release. 

Every  gentleman  guest  must  make  it  a  point  to  invite  the  ladies  of  the 
household  to  dance. 

In  a  ball-room  a  gentleman  cannot  be  too  careful  not  to  injure  the  delicate 
fabrics  worn  by  ladies. 

Never  make  arrangements  for  the  next  dance  while  another  is  in  progress. 

Amateur  musicians  should  always  learn  a  few  pieces  to  play  or  sing  with- 
out notes.  To  carry  music,  without  a  special  invitation  to  do  so,  is  awk- 
ward, and  to  refuse  to  play  or  sing  when  invited,  often  appears  selfish  and 
ungracious. 

It  is  dangerous  to  pay  long  visits,  even  to  old  friends,  without  a  special 
invitation.  If  detained  in  a  city  where  friends  reside,  don't  drive  at  once  to 
the  house,  as  if  your  chief  anxiety  was  to  save  your  hotel  bill,  but  let  them 
know  of  your  arrival  from  your  hotel. 

A  special  invitation  should  specify  who  is  to  go,  and  only  those  especially 
named  should  accept.  It  is  always  understood,  however,  that  a  wife  may 
accompany  her  husband,  and  a  husband  may  always  join  his  wife. 

The  host  should  always  meet  a  guest  at  the  depot,  or  at  least  send  some 
o.ie. 

The  guest  must  conform  to  the  habits  of  the  family.  The  host  and  hostess 
will  take  pleasure  in  showing  a  guest  all  points  of  interest  in  the  vicinity. 

Visitors  may  be  left  to  their  own  devices  during  the  morning  hours,  but 
the  hostess  places  music,  books,  etc.,  at  their  command.  Attentions  to 
guests  should  be  kindly ;  fussiness  is  always  annoying. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  329 

Neither  hostess  or  guest  may  accept  invitations  which  do  not  include  the 
other. 

The  visitor  uses  a  friend's  servants  as  her  own,  while  a  guest  in  a  house, 
so  far  as  personal  wants  are  concerned,  but  is  careful  not  to  be  too  exacting. 

If  any  article  of  furniture  in  your  own  room  suffers  accident  or  injury, 
replace  it  quietly  at  your  own  expense. 

A  gentleman  may  bring  a  book,  flowers,  or  confectionery,  to  the  hostess, 
and  a  lady  friend  may  bestow  favors  and  kindness  on  the  children.  If  a  gift 
is  made,  it  should  be  to  the  hostess,  or  if  there  are  several  children,  to  the 
youngest. 

To  eat  confectionery  or  chew  gum  in  the  streets  is  a  sign  of  low  breeding. 

In  crossing  a  slippery  walk,  the  gentleman  may  precede  or  follow  the 
lady,  as  he  can  best  render  her  assistance.  He  may  offer  his  services  to  an 
entire  stranger  with  perfect  propriety. 

To  cross  the  street  between  the  carriages  of  a  funeral  is  disrespectful. 

The  gentleman  nearest  the  door  dismounts  to  assist  a  lady  from  an 
omnibus,  when  no  attendant  is  employed  to  render  necessary  aid.  He  also 
passes  up  any  lady's  fare,  and  thus  saves  her  from  rising  to  her  feet. 

When  a  gentleman  rises  to  offer  his  seat  to  a  lady,  she  should  thank  him 
audibly,  or  at  least  with  a  polite  bow  for  his  courtesy.  To  turn  his  back, 
and  force  her  to  accept  the  courtesy  in  silence,  is  rude. 

In  walking  with  a  lady,  a  gentleman  should  accommodate  his  steps  to  hers. 

Loud  talking  or  laughing  in  the  street,  or  in  any  public  place,  is  ill-bred. 
To  look  back  at  one  who  has  passed,  even  if  she  has  on  a  new  dress  which 
does  not  fit  in  the  back,  is  not  polite. 

If  a  gentleman  is  about  to  leave  a  room,  and  meets  a  lady  in  the  door- 
way, he  raises  his  hat  and  steps  aside  for  her  to  pass.  If  the  door  is  closed, 
and  both  are  entering  or  going  out,  he  passes  before  her  with  a  bow,  opens 
the  door  and  holds  it  open  until  she  has  passed. 

Ladies  should  not  enter  places  of  business  except  on  business.  When  in, 
ask  for  what  is  wanted  as  explicitly  as  possible,  and  do  not  consume  the 
time  of  a  salesman  by  examining  things  you  know  you  do  not  want.  Never 
try  to  cheapen  goods;  if  the  price  is  too  high,  go  elsewhere.  Don't  stand  at 
a  counter  when  others  are  waiting,  to  make  up  your  mind.  Decide  at  once, 
•or  make  way  for  others,  and  then  take  your  time.  Be  careful  not  toinjure 


330  MISCELLANEOUS. 

goods  by  handling.  Never  give  unnecessary  trouble.  Never  call  a  clerk 
who  is  waiting  on  some  one  else.  Never  lounge  over  a  counter,  or  push 
aside  or  crowd  up  on  another  person,  and  never  take  hold  of  a  piece  of  goods 
another  is  examining. 

A  gentleman  walking  with  two  ladies  may  give  an  arm  to  each,  but  no 
lady  may  take  the  arms  of  two  gentlemen  at  the  same  time. 

A  gentleman  carrying  an  umbrella,  with  a  lady  on  each  side  of  him,  and 
the  rain  dripping  from  the  umbrella  over  both,  while  he  is  dry,  is  too  absurd 
a  picture  to  name  among  the  offenses  against  etiquette. 

Don't  try  to  shake  hands  with  a  friend  across  the  street.  Put  out  your 
hand  only  when  quite  near  the  friend. 

Never  talk  politics  or  religion  in  a  public  conveyance. 

Never  quarrel  with  a  hack-driver  over  fare.  Pay  his  demands,  take  his 
number,  and  report  him  to  the  authorities,  if  he  extorts  more  than  lawful 
fare. 

In  inviting  a  lady  to  ride,  if  the  lady  has  no  horse  and  does  not  name  one 
which  she  is  accustomed  to  ride,  a  gentleman  must  personally  select  a  horse, 
and  make  sure  that  it  is  safe  and  accustomed  to  carry  ladies.  He  must  also 
be  punctual  to  time,  as  it  is  not  pleasant  for  a  lady  to  sit  in  a  riding  habit. 
Before  she  mounts,  he  should  thoroughly  examine  and  test  every  strap,  to 
see  that  all  are  properly  fastened.  In  riding  with  two  ladies,  if  both  are 
good  horsewomen,  the  escort  should  ride  at  the  right  of  both,  otherwise 
between  them,  to  be  in  a  position  to  render  assistance  if  needed. 

A  gentleman  must  never  touch  a  lady's  horse  except  in  case  of  real  need, 
but  must  be  watchful  and  ready  to  assist  in  an  emergency.  If  there  is  an 
advantage  on  either  side,  of  shade,  or  in  freedom  from  dust,  he  may  ride  on 
her  left  or  behind  her. 

In  riding  with  an  elderly  gentleman,  the  younger  should  give  all  the 
courtesies  of  the  road ;  the  best  side,  the  choice  of  speed  and  direction,  and 
the  best  horse. 

In  a  carriage,  the  driver's  seat  being  outside,  the  seat  on  the  right  hand 
side  facing  the  horses  is  the  seat  of  honor. 

In  quitting  a  carriage,  a  gentleman  dismounts  first;  even  if  a  footman 
opens  the  door,  he  does  not  allow  him  to  assist  the  ladies  to  dismount.  He 
always  conveys  the  orders  of  the  ladies  to  the  coachman. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  331 

In  driving  a  lady  out,  a  gentleman  must  take  care  that  the  buggy  or  car- 
riage is  placed  so  that  the  lady  may  get  in  easily  and  without  soiling  her 
garments.  There  must  be  provided  a  carriage  blanket  to  keep  off  mud  or 
dust.  The  gentleman  must  drive  to  suit  the  lady's  pleasure. 

In  driving  with  a  gentleman  friend,  it  is  customary  to  offer  him  the  reins, 
but  this  offer  should  not  be  accepted  unless  to  relieve  the  host  when  the 
horse  is  hard-mouthed. 

It  is  an  insult  to  a  lady  for  a  gentleman  to  put  his  arm  on  the  back  of  the 
seat,  or  around  her,  and  any  well-bred  lady  will  immediately  resent  it. 

If  offered  a  seat  in  the  carriage  of  a  gentleman  friend,  it  is  polite  to  ask 
him  to  be  seated  first,  but  if  he  persists  in  offering  you  the  preference,  accept 
and  precede  him. 

If  a  lady  leaves  a  carriage,  and  the  gentleman  remains  to  await  her 
return,  he  must,  of  course,  dismount  to  assist  her  out,  and  again  to  assist 
her  in. 

In  traveling  alone,  a  lady  may  introduce  herself  to  the  conductor  of  the 
train,  or  to  the  captain  of  a  steamer,  and  they  are  bound  to  extend  every 
courtesy. 

Any  slight  assistance,  such  as  raising  a  window,  is  acknowledged  by 
thanks,  but  it  is  not  proper  to  ma.ke  it  the  pretext  for  extended  conversation. 

Never  whisper  or  make  a  noise  with  feet  or  hands  in  church.  Never  pay 
any  attention  to  those  around  you,  even  if  noisy  and  rude.  In  passing  a 
book  or  fan,  it  is  not  necessary  to  speak ;  a  bow  is  sufficient. 

A  lady  never  removes  her  gloves  at  church,  except  to  use  holy  water,  or 
the  right  glove  at  communion. 

To  arrive  late  at  church  or  any  other  public  assembly  is  extremely  ill- 
bred. 

No  discreet  young  lady  attends  a  place  of  amusement  with  a  gentleman 
who  is  a  stranger  or  only  a  casual  acquaintance. 

An  air  of  mystery,  or  lover-like  ways,  are  out  of  taste  in  a  public  theatre. 
Give  attention  to  the  performance  when  the  curtain  is  up,  and  to  your  com- 
panion when  it  is  down. 

It  is  ill-bred  for  a  lady  to  stare  at  people  in  the  audience  through  the  opera 
glass.  A  modest  dignity  is  particularly  becoming  in  any  public  place. 


332  MISCELLANEOUS. 

Flirting  a  fan,  or  lounging,  or  mysterious  whispers  behind  a  fan,  are  all 
rude. 

In  entering  a  theatre  or  concert  room,  a  gentleman  should  pecede  a  lady 
to  the  seat,  where  he  hands  her  to  the  inner  one  and  takes  the  outside  one 
himself.  In  going  out,  if  the  aisle  is  too  narrow  to  walk  beside  her,  he  pre- 
cedes her  until  there  is  room,  when  he  offers  his  arm. 

Any  conversation  or  comment  that  might  mar  the  pleasure  of  others  is 
rude. 

Conduct  toward  servants  should  always  be  dignified  and  just;  never  pet- 
ulant or  ill-tempered,  and  above  all,  not  familiar. 

Never  apologize  for  asking  them  to  do  what  it  is  their  duty  to  do.  If  you 
are  a  guest  in  the  house  of  a  friend  and  make  servants  extra  trouble,  a  pres- 
ent of  money  on  your  departure  is  proper  and  just.  Gentlemen  give  fees 
to  men  servants  and  ladies  to  female  servants ;  but  if  a  gentleman  is  a  guest 
where  there  are  only  females  employed  he  should  make  them  a  present. 

Feeing  servants  at  a  hotel  is  so  much  a  custom  that  to  get  the  best  service 
it  is  often  necessary.  At  an  evening  party  or  ball,  ladies  and  gentlemen  may 
give  a  fee  to  the  attendants  in  the  dressing-room. 

Orders  to  servants  should  be  mild  and  pleasant  but  firm,  without  a  parade 
of  authority.  Kindness  without  familiarity  is  the  best  rule.  If  more  than 
one  servant  is  employed,  beware  of  partiality. 

On  his  marriage,  a  bridegroom  is  expected  to  make  presents  to  the  ser- 
vants of  his  father-in-law's  family,  especially  to  those  who  have  been  par- 
ticularly attached  to  the  bride. 

In  ordering  dishes  at  a  hotel,  decide  quickly  and  order  promptly.  A 
newspaper  may  be  read  at  breakfast,  but  it  is  not  well-bred  to  take  a  novel 
to  a  hotel  table.  A  lady  may  accept  any  slight  courtesy  from  a  stranger, 
but  should  not  enter  into  conversation. 

A  lady  may  converse  in  a  low  and  quiet  tone,  but  any  loud  talking  or 
laughing  is  unladylike,  because  it  attracts  unwonted  attention,  and  bold 
action  or  boisterous  deportment  at  a  hotel  is  sure  to  subject  a  lady  to  severe 
censure,  to  say  the  least. 

Greeting  from  other  ladies,  at  table  or  in  the  parlors,  should  be  received 
in  a  friendly  way.  The  acquaintance  ends  at  the  hotel  unless  the  parties 
choose  to  carry  it  farther. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  333 

A  lady  alone  at  a  hotel  should  wear  the  least  conspicuous  and  most 
modest  dress  appropriate  to  the  hour  of  the  day.  Full  dress  should  not-  be 
worn  unless  she  is  accompanied  by  an,  escort, 

No  lady  should  play  or  sing  at  the  piano  in  the  hotel  parlors  unless 
invited. 

Jewelry  and  money  should  be  deposited  with  the  proprietor  in  the  safe 
during  the  visitor's  stay.  The  law  makes  him  responsible  for  their  safe- 
keeping. 

If  a  hackney  coach  is  wanted  by  a  lady,  ring  for  a  servant,  who  will  bring 
it  to  the  ladies'  entrance  of  the  hotel. 

It  is  not  proper  for  a  lady  to  linger  in  the  halls  of  a  hotel. 

If  servants  are  disrespectful,  complain  to  the  proprietor. 

No  paper  or  book  found  in  the  parlors  of  a  hotel  must  be  taken  away  to 
private  rooms. 

Lounging,  or  any  display  of  ill-manners,  in  a  hotel  parlor,  is  as  improper 
as  in  a  parlor  of  a  friend. 

When  baggage  is  packed,  a  lady  is  not  expected  to  touch  it.  It  is  the 
duty  of  servants  to  carry  every  package  to  the  coach. 

Ladies  do  not  pass  in  or  out  at  the  general  entrance  of  a  hotel,  but  at  the 
ladies'  entrance  only. 

When  a  gentleman  is  engaged  to  a  lady,  her  sisters  and  brothers  become 
subjects  of  interest,  and  should  be  treated  frankly  and  cordially.  He  should 
be  very  particular  to  conform  to  the  habits  of  the  family,  while  with  them, 
in  order  to  insure  a  friendly  status. 

If  a  young  lady  about  to  be  married  have  a  private  fortune,  it  ought  to  be 
left  (partly,  at  least,)  under  her  own  control.  No  matter  how  generous  and 
confiding  she  may  be,  there  are  considerations  of  prudence  that  should  have 
weight.  The  most  generous  of  men  may  be  improvident,  may  have  a 
passion  for  building,  may  be  a  poor  accountant  and  calculate  too  largely  on 
the  means  at  his  disposal,  and  thus  become  involved,  or  he  may  be  good 
natured  and  a  prey  to  designing  and  spendthrift  friends.  At  best  he  may 
involve  his  money  and  hers  in  a  business  which  may  promise  wealth  one 
day  and  give  him  poverty  the  next. 

It  is  not  etiquette  at  a  wedding  to  congratulate  the  bride.    The  bride- 


334  MISCELLANEOUS. 

groom,  is  the  lucky  one,  and  receives  all  the  congratulations.  The  bride 
receives  wishes  for  her  future  happiness. 

Baptism  is  a  gratuitous  ceremony  on  the  part  of  the  church,  but  it  is 
usual  to  present  the  clergyman  some  token  in  the  name  of  the  babe,  or  to 
make  a  donation  to  the  poor,  through  the  clergyman. 

Young  people  are  not  invited  to  stand  as  sponsors  for  an  infant. 

In  Protestant  churches,  the  baptism  does  not  take  place  until  the  mother 
is  able  to  be  present.  Among  Catholics,  a  delicate  child  is  baptised  as  soon 
as  possible,  and  if  healthy,  as  soon  as  the  physiciau  will  permit  it  to  be 
taken  to  church. 

When  invitations  to  a  funeral  are  given  through  the  papers  only,  it  is 
customary  to  add  "  without  further  notice." 

It  is  a  beautiful  foreign  custom  to  select  young  children  for  pall-bearers  of 
infants  and  children,  dressing  them  in  white.  White  plumes  are  customary 
in  the  hearse  for  young  people ;  black  ones  for  married  or  elderly  people. 

Any  noise  made  with  the  mouth  in  eating,  such  as  smacking  the  lips, 
drinking  or  taking  soup  with  a  gurgling  or  sipping  sound,  opening  the  lips 
in  masticating  food,  or  swallowing  with  an  effort,  are  all  disgusting  habits. 

Too  large  pieces  of  food  should  never  be  taken  into  the  mouth.  If 
addressed  when  the  mouth  is  over-full,  an  awkward  pause  is  the  result. 

Ladies  at  table  should  gather  up  their  skirts  so  as  not  to  be  in  the  way  of 
others. 

Leaning  back  in  a  chair  at  table,  or,  still  worse,  tipping  it  back,  making 
a  noise  with  a  knife  and  fork  on  the  plate,  or  scraping  the  plate,  is  rude. 
Never  soak  up  gravy  with  bread,  or  scrape  up  sauce  with  a  spoon,  or  take  up 
bones  with  the  fingers  in  order  to  get  every  shred  of  meat  from  them.  Such 
acts  seem  to  say  that  the  host  is  sparing  of  his  supply. 

Blowing  soup  or  pouring  tea  or  coffee  out  into  the  saucer  to  cool  is 
awkward. 

Never  pass  a  plate  with  a  knife  and  fork  on  it. 

Children  should  never  be  taken  out  calling  or  anywhere  where  their  rest- 
lessness may  disturb  others. 

Never  bring  them  into  the  drawing-room  to  see  visitors  unless  they  are 
asked  for. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  835 

Children  are  excluded  from  all  parties  except  such  as  are  given  for  their 
own  pleasure. 

Never  take  a  child  when  going  out  to  spend  the  day,  unless  it  has  been 
included  in  the  invitation. 

Never  allow  a  child  to  handle  the  ornaments  in  a  friend's  drawing-room, 
or  to  play  with  the  jewelry  or  ornaments  of  a  visitor. 

Don't  try  to  show  off  children's  talents,  under  penalty  of  spoiling  the 
children  and  boring  your  friends. 

Never  allow  children  to  visit  on  the  invitation  of  other  children.  Wait 
for  summons  from  higher  authority. 

Married  ladies  and  elderly  people  have  the  preference  at  card-tables  over 
single  ladies  and  young  men.  No  one  is  required  to  play,  as  many  have  con- 
scientious scruples  against  it  which  must  be  respected.  In  the  absence  of 
such  scruples,  however  it  is  a  pleasant  accomplishment  to  be  able  to  play 
social  games  well.  Husband  and  wife,  or  others  who  are  familiar  with  each 
other's  methods  in  play,  should  not  be  partners. 

Any  violation  of  the  rules  of  the  game  are  violations  of  etiquette. 

To  talk  on  subjects  which  interrupt  the  game  is  rude,  particularly  if  an 
outsider  engages  one  or  more  of  the  players  in  conversation. 

Any  appearance  of  an  understanding  between  partners  is  extremely  ill- 
bred. 

To  finger  the  cards  as  they  are  being  dealt  is  rude.  They  are  not  to  be 
touched  until  the  proper  time  for  taking  up  the  hand. 

Better  not  play  at  all  than  to  play  with  an  air  of  abstraction  to  the 
annoyance  of  your  partners  and  the  others. 

It  is  rude  to  propose  card-playing  in  the  house  of  another. 

Visiting  cards  must  never  bear  a  business  address.  Honorary  and  official 
designations  are  omitted  except  in  cards  used  for  official  visits.  Officers  of 
the  army  and  navy  may  use  their  titles  or  not  as  they  choose.  Members  of 
Congress  may  use  the  prefix  "  Hon."  and  judges  and  physicians  may  prefix 
their  titles,  but  it  is  allowed  to  no  other  profession. 

A  card  with  a  photograph  portrait  on  it  is  a  vulgarism. 

In  presenting  flowers  or  other  gifts  to  a  lady,  a  gentleman  should  always 
attach  his  card,  with  "  With  the  compliments  of"  over  the  name.  Christ- 
mas gifts,  when  sent,  should  be  accompanied  by  a  card,  and  loaned  bpoks  or 


336  MISCELLANEOUS. 

music,  when  returned,  should  be  accompanied  by  the  card  of  the  borrower. 

A  gentleman  must  always  hand  a  lady  a  chair,  open  the  door  for  her  to 
pass  in  or  out,  and  pick  up  anything  she  may  drop,  whether  he  be  a  friend 
or  a  stranger. 

Looking  over  the  shoulder  of  another  is  rude. 

Personality  in  conversation  is  always  ill-bred. 

Exaggeration  is  ill-bred ;  indeed,  it  approaches  falsehood. 

Exhibition  of  egotism  or  conceit  is  the  height  of  ill-manners,  and 
evidence  of  a  weak  head.  Ladies  never  look  well  with  arms  akimbo  or 
folded.  It  is  a  duty  of  the  sex  to  be  graceful. 

No  well-bred  lady  speaks  of  a  gentleman  not  a  relative  by  his  Christian 
name  or  his  surname  alone.  She  is  careful  to  preserve  her  own  dignity  and 
render  the  gentleman  due  respect  by  prefixing  Mr.  if  he  has  no  other  title. 

No  gentleman  will  ever  break  an  engagement  without  good  reason> 
particularly  if  it  be  with  a  lady.  Nothing  is  more  truly  a  mark  of  good 
breeding  than  punctuality. 

Remember  that  dress  does  not  make  a  lady ;  in  fact,  there  are  circum- 
stances where  "  fine  feathers  "  are  in  themselves  evidences  of  ill- breeding. 
Appropriateness  is  the  test  of  taste  in  dress.  But  true  politeness  and  gentle 
courtesies  may  be  as  marked  in  a  lady  in  calico  as  in  one  dressed  in  the 
height  of  fashion.  Mrs.  Thorpe,  the  English  authoress,  tells  of  an  interview 
with  Mrs.  General  Washington,  as  follows:  "As  Mrs.  Washington  was 
said  to  be  so  grand  a  lady,  we  thought  we  must  put  on  our  best  bibs  and 
bands ;  so  we  dressed  ourselves  in  our  most  elegant  ruffles  and  silks,  and 
were  introduced  to  her  ladyship ;  and  don't  you  think  we  found  her  knitting, 
and  with  her  check-apron  on.  She  received  us  very  graciously  and  easily, 
but  after  the  compliments  were  over  resumed  her  knitting.  There  we  were 
without  a  stitch  of  work,  and  sitting  in  state ;  but  General  Washington's 
lady,  with  her  own  hands,  was  knitting  stockings  for  her  husband." 

To  answer  a  civil  question  rudely  or  even  impatiently  is  ill-bred.  It  takes 
no  more  time  to  be  kind  than  to  be  cross. 

No  gentleman  or  lady  may  ever  refuse  an  apology.  It  may  not  revive  a 
friendship,  but  it  must  prevent  an  open  quarrel. 

To  question  a  child  or  a  servant  regarding  family  affairs  is  gross  rudeness. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  337 

Card-baskets  are  often  exposed  in  the  drawing-room,  but  no  gentleman 
or  lady  will  tumble  over  or  examine  the  cards. 

To  look  at  a  watch  in  company  is  ill-bred.  It  indicates  a  desire  to  be 
away. 

A  lounging  attitude  is  always  rude  in  the  presence  of  ladies.  If  your 
back-bone  is  too  weak  to  allow  you  to  sit  up,  stay  at  home. 

The  only  gifts  permitted  between  ladies  and  gentlemen,  not  relatives  or 
engaged,  are  books,  flowers,  music  and  confectionery. 

It  is  polite  to  salute  those  in  the  breakfast  or  supper  room  before  you, 
with  " good  morning "  or  "good  evening." 

It  is  rude  and  disgusting  to  go  into  company  with  the  breath  tainted  by 
eating  onions,  garlic,  cheese  or  any  other  strong  flavored  food. 

It  is  extremely  rude  for  a  gentleman  to  enter  the  presence  of  a  lady  smell- 
ing of  wine  or  tobacco. 

Never  refer  to  a  gift  you  have  made  nor  send  a  present  hoping  for  a 
return. 

Too  great  familiarity  with  a  new  acquaintance  is  apt  to  offend.  Too 
much  formality  is  preferable. 

To  lean  heavily  on  the  table  or  to  tip  a  chair  to  and  fro  are  awkward 
habits. 

To  write  your  comments  in  a  borrowed  book  is  rude. 

The  man  who  insults  his  inferiors  is  too  cowardly  to  be  called  a  gentle- 
man. 

Any  air  of  bashfulness  or  abstraction  or  eccentricity  in  society  is  ill-bred, 
because  it  renders  others  uncomfortable. 

To  use  a  foreign  phrase  and  then  to  translate  it  is  as  much  as  to  say  your 
listeners  are  ignoramuses. 

It  is  safe  to  say  that  the  man  who  rails  against  women  is  speaking  of  his 
own  mother  and  sisters  and  not  of  women  in  general. 

Those  who  try  to  make  themselves  appear  more  important  than  they 
really  are,  deserve  to  be  and  generally  are  under-rated. 

To  betray  implied  or  pledged  confidence  is  the  greatest  violation  of  good 
manners. 

Never  lend  a  borrowed  book  without  permission  from  the  owner. 


338  MISCELLANEOUS. 

"Never  speak  of  a  man's  virtues  before  his  face,  nor  of  his  vices  behind 
his  back." 

To  write  a  letter  of  congratulation  on  mourning  paper  is  rude. 

Spitting,  yawning,  blowing  the  nose  loudly,  passing  before  another  with- 
out apology,  and  urging  advice  upon  one  who  has  refused  it,  are  all  gross 
breaches  of  etiquette.  Noisy  or  abrupt  movements  are  always  rude. 

It  is  in  bad  taste  for  a  lady  to  use  strong  perfumes.  A  hint  of  a  delicate 
perfume  is  quite  enough. 

In  walking  with  a  lady  it  is  her  privilege  to  select  the  route. 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 


"Refinement  of  character  is  never  to  be  found  with  vulgarity  of  dress.' 


"  How  exquisitely  absurd  to  tell  a  girl  that  beauty  is  of  no  value,  dress  of 
no  use.  Beauty  is  of  value ;  her  whole  prospects  and  happiness  in  life  may 
often  depend  upon  a  new  gown  or  a  becoming  bonnet,  and  if  she  has  five 
grains  of  common  sense  she  will  find  this  out.  The  great  thing  is  to  teach 
her  their  just  value,  and  that  there  must  be  something  better  under  the  bon- 
net than  a  pretty  face  if  she  would  have  real  and  lasting  happiness."— Sydney 
Smith. 

IT  is  an  essential  part  of  politeness  that  we  commend  ourselves  to  each  other 
by  attractive,  or  at  least  not  repulsive,  exteriors.  Neither  man  nor  woman 
can  afford  to  despise  physical  beauty,  or  to  neglect  any  sensible  art  of  dress 
or  the  toilet  that  helps  to  enhance  attractions  or  conceal  defects.  Though 
the  dictum  of  Madame  Pompadour  that  it  is  the  chief  duty  of  woman  to  be 
beautiful  may  not  be  accepted,  it  will  not  be  questioned  that  it  is  a  social 
obligation  to  be  as  beautiful  as  possible,  or  that  beauty  is  woman's  readiest 
source  of  power.  It  is  to  woman  what  strength  is  to  man,  and  is  potent  to 
attract  and  enchain.  As  it  is  the  duty  and  pleasure  of  man  to  develop  his 
strength,  it  is.  equally  incumbent  on  woman  to  cultivate  and  perfect  each 
germ  of  beauty.  So  far  then  from  its  being  wrong  to  endeavor  to  make 
herself  beautiful,  there  is  no  more  reason  why  woman  should  be  censured 
for  improving  her  complexion  by  every  healthful  means  than  for  the  care 
she  takes  that  her  teeth  shall  be  pearly,  her  breath  pure,  acjd  her  dress  neat 
and  tidy.  Beauty  is  the  gift  of  Heaven,  whether  it  lies  in  hair  or  eyebrows, 
in  lineaments  of  the  face  or  the  well-rounded  form,  in  a  sweet,  soft  voice,  or 
a  beautiful  eye,  and  to  despise  it  is  not  only  a  folly  but  a  crime. 


340  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

Socrates  called  beauty  a  short-lived  tyranny ;  Theophrastus  named  it  a 
silent  cheat;  Theocrates  esteemed  it  a  delightful  prejudice;  but  Aristotle 
declared  that  it  was  better  than  all  the  letters  of  recommendation  in  the 
world.  Beauty  is  so  much  an  attribute  of  the  sex,  that  a  woman  who  has 
not  at  some  time  thought  herself  fair,  in  form  or  in  some  feature,  has  been 
robbed  of  her  birthright.  No  woman  has  fully  comprehended  life  whose 
pride  has  not  quickened  at  the  thought  of  possessing  some  beauty  which 
would  help  her  to  master  the  fine  art  of  pleasing,  wherein  lies  the  secret  of 
that  power  which  was  intended  to  balance  the  muscular  superiority  and 
virile  force  of  men,  and  which  is  always,  in  all  circumstances,  the  strongest 
weapon  in  the  armory  of  her  sex.  It  is  cruel  and  fatal  to  a  young  girl's 
growth  in  character,  to  force  upon  her  the  conviction  that  she  is  devoid  of 
personal  charms.  If  vanity  is  weak,  experience  corrects  its  errors,  but  the 
young  girl  who  enters  society  believing  herself  devoid  of  the  distinctive 
charms  of  her  sex,  is  likely  to  suffer  keenly  before  fortunate  friendships 
happily  reveal  her  charms  to  her.  Besides,  those  who  believe  themselves 
ugly  are  likely  to  neglect  those  arts  of  dress  and  the  toilet  which  make  even 
the  plainest  presentable  and  agreeable ;  they  are  tempted  to  neglect  their 
teeth  and  their  nails,  are  careless  of  their  complexions,  and  dress  without 
studying  fitness  or  harmony.  These  are  fatal  mistakes.  The  less  a  woman's 
natural  endowment  of  beauty,  the  more  artistic  and  perfect  should  be  the 
dress,  the  more  exquisitely  neat  the  person,  and  the  more  sweetly  engaging 
the  manners.  Indeed,  in  every  circle  there  are  plain  women  whose 
cultivated  attractions  seern  almost  to  make  beauty  superfluous.  The  graces 
of  the  mind  lend  a  brightness  to  the  eyes,  soften  irregular  features,  and  give 
to  all  the  glow  of  a  hundred  nameless  charms. 

Beauty  of  person  gives  an  advantage  at  first  acquaintance.  Men  listen 
to  a  beautiful  woman,  not  because  they  hear  but  because  they  see  her.  A 
fine  face  and  bright  eyes  are  eloquent,  but  if  it  is  only  a  surface  beauty,  a 
mere  picture,  flesh  and  not  the  spirit,  its  power  is  transitory ;  and  yet  wise 
women  have  sighed  for  it,  and  the  desire  to  be  pleasing  and  attractive  to  the 
eye  of  all  they  love,  lasts  till  the  latest  breath.  Even  Madame  De  Stael,  at 
the  zenith  of  her  fame,  declared  that  she  would  gladly  exchange  half  the 
renown  her  genius  had  won  her,  for  the  personal  beauty  the  possession  of 
which  she  envied  others  of  her  sex. 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  341 

44  The  beauty  of  woman  exceeds  all  other  forms  of  beauty,  as  well  in  the 
sweetness  of  its  suggestion,  as  in  the  fervor  of  the  admiration  it  awakens; 
and  we  seem  to  catch  glimpses  of  Heaven  in  the  innocent  face  of  a  beauti- 
ful child  or  youthful  maiden.  And  there  is  also  another  kind  of  beauty 
than  that  revealed  in  coral  lips  wreathed  with  smiles,  and  in  beaming  eyes. 
It  is  a  beauty  that  is  not  wholly  of  the  face,  nor  of  the  mind,  but  it  clings  to 
age,  and  is  the  beauty  of  a  well-spent  life — a  halo  of  memory  which  sur- 
rounds the  head  of  the  aged,  and  gives  a  beauty  all  its  own  to  the  dim  eyes, 
withered  cheeks  and  white  hairs  of  the  grandmother." 

The  day  is  well-nigh  passed  when  the  delicacy  which  comes  of  physical 
weakness  is  counted  an  element  of  beauty.  No  woman  can  be  beautiful 
without  health,  and  the  affectation  of  physical  weakness,  or  the  systematic 
disobedience  of  the  laws  of  health  in  order  to  make  oneself  an  "interesting" 
invalid,  is  out  of  fashion,  and  calls  forth  no  sentiment  but  pity.  It  is  almost 
as  true  that  there  can  not  be  health  without  beauty,  as  that  beauty  can  not 
exist  without  health.  The  grace  of  well-proportioned  stature  and  well- 
rounded  limbs,  is  the  result  of  sound  bone  and  flesh.  Form,  color,  and  even 
expression,  depend  on  a  sound  body  for  their  attractions.  The  rounded  out- 
lines of  the  body  derive  their  grace  from  the  soft  portions  that  cover  and  adorn 
the  bony  frame,  and  in  order  that  they  may  have  the  fullness  or  evenness 
of  outline  that  is  essential  to  a  beautiful  form,  the  muscles  must  be  kept  in 
health  and  vigor  by  use  and  exercise.  Layers  of  fat  and  tissue  also  contrib- 
ute to  make  the  lines  of  beauty  more  perfect,  and  any  excess  or  deficiency 
means  a  deviation  from  true  proportion  as  surely  as  it  means  the  absence  of 
perfect  health.  The  condition  of  the  stomach,  the  lungs,  and  the  vital 
organs,  is  not  less  important.  Undue  prominence  or  collapse  is  fatal  to 
beauty.  On  the  perfect  circulation  of  the  blood  and  its  purity  depend  the 
color  which  makes  the  cheek  blossom.  Absence  of  one  of  its  lesser  ingredi- 
ents, iron,  gives  the  pallor  of  death.  A  foreign  substance  in  the  blood  not 
only  poisons  it,  but  discolors  the  body.  The  skin,  too,  with  its  myriad  of 
pores,  must  be  kept  in  health  by  proper  diet  and  cleanliness,  or  its  dingy 
look  will  spoil  the  grace  of  the  most  beautiful  outlines,  no  matter  how 
classic  the  face  or  how  perfectly  modeled  the  form.  The  lesson  of  these 
facts  is  that  it  is  useless  to  attempt  to  enhance  or  preserve  beauty  while 
neglecting*  the  care  of  the  health.  Exercise  in  the  open  air,  regular  meals, 


342  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

nutritious  food,  the  daily  bath  in  cold  water,  and  systematic  and  agreeable 
occupation,  are  requisites  for  giving  health,  strength  and  grace. 

The  American  face  is  remarkable  for  its  beauty  and  regularity  of  features, 
and  for  that  beauty  which  comes  from  within — expression.  Its  chief  faults 
are  paleness  and  sallow  complexion,  while  the  figure  is  generally  too  slight 
and  delicate  for  vigorous  health.  Our  dry  atmosphere  is  unfavorable  for 
both  color  and  transparency,  and  the  more  humid  atmosphere  of  England 
gives  our  cousins  across  the  water  the  advantage  in  youth ;  but  in  advanced 
years  the  American  ripens  into  a  mellow  ruddiness,  while  the  English  grow 
pimpled  and  flushed,  as  if  from  over-feeding.  The  paleness  and  meagre- 
ness  of  American  women  is  often  due  to  a  lack  of  generous  diet.  Young 
girls,  particularly,  are  apt  to  clog  their  appetites  with  sweets,  instead  of 
eating  regularly  a  variety  of  well-cooked  and  nutritious  food.  Brillat 
Savarin  says  that  "  a  train  of  exact  and  rigid  observations  has  demon- 
strated that  a  succulent,  delicate  and  careful  regimen  repels  to  a  distance, 
and  for  a  length  of  time,  the  external  appearance  of  old  age.  It  gives  more 
brilliancy  to  the  eyes,  more  freshness  to  the  skin,  more  support  to  the 
muscles ;  and  as  it  is  certain  in  physiology  that  it  is  the  depression  of  the 
muscles  that  causes  wrinkles,  those  enemies  of  beauty,  it  is  equally  true  to 
say  that,  other  things  being  equal,  those  who  understand  eating  are  com- 
paratively ten  years  younger  than  those  who  do  not  understand  that 
science."  Bathing  is  a  necessity  to  the  preservation  of  beauty,  because 
there  can  be  no  health  without  a  healthful  condition  of  the  covering  of  the 
body.  The  innumerable  pores,  which  are  so  many  breathing  places,  if  stop- 
ped by  the  accumulation  of  effete  matters  given  off  by  the  body,  and  allowed 
to  harden  on  the  surface,  throw  a  greater  burden  on  the  vital  organs, .render 
the  blood  impure,  and  derange  the  whole  system.  Soap  is  the  best  cleanser, 
because  the  outer  or  scarf-skin,  which  is  constantly  renewing  itself,  is 
albumen,  and  is  soluble  in  alkali.  Soap  also  dissolves  and  removes  the  oils 
which  accumulate  on  the  surface.  This  is  not  only  true  of  the  body 
generally,  but  of  the  face  and  hands  as  well.  Pure  soap — the  Windsor  is  the 
best — all  things  considered,  in  which  the  alkali  is  not  too  strong,  removes 
what  ordinary  face  washes  only  serve  to  hide,  while  the  latter  often  leave 
the  complexion  mottled  with  brown  and  yellow  spots  that  are  fatal  to  beauty. 
So  much  for  cleanliness ;  but  under  the  outer  is  the  sensitive  skin  through 


THE  ART  OF  DEESS.  343 

which  the  circulating  blood  carries  the  ruddy  color  which  is  the  sign  of 
health  and  vigor.  No  paint  or  wash  ever  can  reach  this,  which  is  the 
source  of  the  rose-blush  that  warms  the  whiteness  of  the  blonde,  and  gives 
the  ripe,  mellow  color  of  the  peach  to  the  brunette.  To  keep  it  in  perfection, 
all  the  machinery  of  life  must  be  in  healthful  motion  within,  while  the 
outer  skin,  which  covers  it  like  a  translucent  veil,  is  clear  and  unobstructed. 
Neglect,  dirt,  or  the  use  of  cosmetics  robs  the  complexion  of  its  chief  charm. 

Dress,  to  be  in  good  taste,  must  enhance  beauty,  and  must  attract  the 
eye  to  the  wearer  and  not  to  itself.  It  may  be  set  down  as  certain  that  a 
mistake  in  taste  has  been  made,  when  a  lady  does  not  seem  more  a  lady  and 
more  attractive  and  charming  when  dressed  for  the  street  or  the  party.  If 
attention  is  attracted  to  the  details  of  her  toilet,  instead  of  to  her  own 
beauty,  or  to  the  general  beautiful  and  harmonious  effect,  bad  taste  has  been 
displayed  in  fabric,  color,  or  make-up.  That  dress  is  the  more  perfect  which 
is  appropriate — so  becoming  that  it  seems  a  part  of  the  wearer.  To  dress  well 
requires  study  and  artistic  taste.  The  dictum  of  milliners  and  shop-keepers 
is  always  misleading.  They  have  a  purpose,  and  naturally  worship  fashion 
because  it  pays.  The  well-bred,  refined  woman  will  make  fashion  a  subject 
instead  of  a  queen,  and  use  just  what  she  chooses  of  the  "  latest  things." 
Thousands  of  women  make  guys  of  themselves,  and  flaunt  their  ignorance 
of  all  rules  of  good  taste  before  the  public,  without  knowing  it,  because  they 
do  not  study  color,  style,  and  adaptation.  It  is  not  the  quantity  of  cloth  or 
the  costliness  of  the  fabric  that  makes  a  dress  tasteful,  and  high  colors  in 
dress  are  as  much  out  of  place  as  they  are  in  a  painting.  It  is  only  an 
uncultivated,  barbaric  taste  that  seeks  indulgence  in  glaring  and  loud  colors. 
As  in  a  painting,  it  is  not  the  quantity  of  paint  used,  but  the  graceful  blend- 
ing of  the  colors,  the  delicacy  and  naturalness  of  the  shading,  and  the  skill 
that  brings  out  objects  in  such  beauty  and  harmony  that  we  almost  forget 
that  it  is  a  picture,  that  constitutes  its  merit  and  its  value.  Extremes  and 
oddities  are  always  in  bad  taste,  and  the  instincts  of  the  refined  and  well- 
bred  revolt  at  anything  which  courts  attention  and  notoriety. 

In  former  times,  it  was  the  form  which  gave  shape  to  the  dress ;  now  this 
is  reversed,  and  the  dress  is  made  to  give  shape  to  the  form.  The  Grecian 
beauty,  confiding  in  her  graceful  proportions,  was  content  to  cover  herself 
with  a  simple  cloth,  which  followed  the  lines  of  her  figure.  The^  modern 


344  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

belle  trusts  as  little  as  possible  to  nature,  and  leaves  no  visible  sign  of  her 
own  form  in  the  conventional  figure,  which  is  made  up  largely  of  whale- 
bone and  cotton.  While  the  tendency  of  late  years  has  been  to  simplicity 
of  attire  on  the  part  of  the  men — Carlyle  calls  it  a  series  of  sacks,  two  for  the 
trunk  and  two  for  the  lower  extremities — the  attire  of  the  other  sex,  with  a 
few  notable  exceptions,  has  been  growing  more  and  more  fanciful,  artificial 
and  elaborate,  until  the  complexity  of  her  finery  is  something  frightful. 
From  the  days  of  Goldsmith,  who  promised  to  pay  $250,  a  century  ago,  when 
such  a  sum  of  money  bought  much  more  than  now,  for  a  single  "suit  of 
Tyrian  bloom,"  to  the  present  simple  dress  of  even  the  most  fashionable 
gentleman,  is  a  long  and  sensible  advance  toward  simplicity.  The  lace 
ruffles,  the  embroidered  scarlet  coats,  the  brilliant  satin  breeches,  silk  stock- 
ings, and  diamond  buckles  of  our  ancestors,  were  both  extravagant  and 
cumbersome,  and  many  who  are  now  living  can  easily  recall  the  time  when 
the  elaborate  work  upon  the  collar  of  a  wedding  coat  required  the  expendi- 
ture of  as  much  money  as  would  now  procure  an  entire  suit.  These  are 
advances  in  taste  and  convenience,  and  if  the  modistes  who  invent  incon- 
venient and  absurd  fashions  for  women  would  study  ease,  comfort  and  sim- 
plicity, as  well  as  striking  effects,  we  might  hope  for  reform  in  female  attire. 
The  Americans  are  unquestionably  the  best  dressed  people  in  the  world. 
They  wear  better  fabrics,  their  garments  fit  better,  and  they  carry  them  with 
an  easier  grace.  But  the  prevailing  ideas  of  republican  equality  have  led 
them  to  forget  to  dress,  not  according  to  their  stations,  for  that  would  be  a 
matter  of  small  import  where  rank  is  not  recognized,  but  in  a  costume  appro- 
priate to  occupation  and  occasion.  The  wbrking  man  is  absurd  in  a  stove- 
pipe hat,  tight  pants  and  a  swallow-tail  coat.  And  crinoline  is  both  incon- 
venient and  unsightly  in  the  china-closet  or  about  the  red-hot  stove,  while  a 
train  is  not  exactly  the  best  sweeper  for  the  kitchen  floor.  Both  mistress 
and  maid  would  be  the  gainer  if  they  were  content  to  dress  according  to  their 
occupations,  as  taste,  economy  and  convenience  would  dictate.  A  neat  cap, 
a  close-fitting  jacket,  with  sleeves  loose  enough  to  give  free  movement  to  the 
arms  but  too  tight  to  lap  up  gravies  or  sweep  the  glasses  off  the  table,  and  a 
short  skirt,  make  a  convenient  suit  for  the  housemaid,  no  matter  how  simple 
the  material.  The  bits  of  ribbon  and  lace  that  are  used  to  relieve  it  ought  to 
be  securely  fastened  and  so  arranged  as  not  to  impede  the  freest  movements. 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  345 

The  cap 'is  only  necessary  when  the  employer  prefers  not  to  receive  daily 
pledges  of  the  cook's  affection  in  the  shape  of  locks  of  hair  in  the  soup  and 
butter.  So  much  for  dress  at  home.  Abroad  Americans  are  prone  Jo  get 
themselves  up  too  finely  for  the  occasion.  Many,  of  course,  have  only  two 
suits,  one  for  work  days  and  the  other  for  Sundays.  But  those  who  ought  to 
know  better,  and  whose  error  is  one  of  taste  and  not  of  necessity,  flaunt  their 
rich  and  costly  dresses  in  the  church  until  the  House  of  God  so  flutters  with 
fine  feathers  that  it  is  no  longer  a  place  for  the  poor  to  worship  in  except 
with  a  deep  sense  of  their  inferiority  and  poverty  overshadowing  them. 
Plain  "  hodden  gray  "  cannot  worship  by  the  side  of  brocade  and  broadcloth 
without  envy  and  malice  unless  the  wearer  is  gifted  with  Divine  grace  in 
large  supplies.  But  there  are  women  who  would  sooner  yield  their  places 
in  the  sanctuary,  and  even  their  hopes  of  Heaven  than  the  right  to  display 
their  newest  bonnet  to  their  envious  sisters  on  Easter  Sunday.  The  same 
want  of  taste  in  selecting  dress  suitable  to  place  and  occasion  which  is 
exhibited  in  our  churches  appears — happily  less  now  than  formerly — more 
or  less  everywhere.  On  the  streets  showy  and  elaborate  dresses,  only  suit- 
able for  the  carriage,  are  displayed  on  the  promenade,  and  on  shopping  expe- 
ditions, which,  it  may  be,  are  varied  by  interviews  with  "the  butcher,  the 
baker,  and  the  candlestick-maker."  Such  over-dressing  not  only  vitiates 
all  taste  for  real  beauty  and  harmony,  but  unfits  women  for  the  real  every- 
day duties  of  ife,  which  devolve  on  all,  whatever  the  station.  Especially  is 
it  pernicious  in  its  effect  on  the  young  girls  whose  immature  minds  are 
kindled  with  a  weak  ambition  each  to  outdo  the  other  in  "  loud  "  style,  as 
they  wear  flaunting  costumes  which  even  in  gay  Paris  would  attract 
attention  and  call  out  remarks  that  would  be  far  from  complimentary  to  vir- 
gin modesty.  But,  worst  of  all,  this  habit  of  over-dressing  has  a  bad  moral 
effect,  leading  to  false  expectations,  prompting  to  pretense  of  wealth,  and 
confirming  a  deceitful  vanity;  carried  to  great  lengths,  it  ends  in  the  fall  of 
women,  the  bankruptcy  of  husbands,  and  the  utter  ruin  of  families.  Even 
if  it  stops  short  of  these  grave  results,  it  tends  to  destroy  that  modest  reserve 
which  is  the  peculiar  charm  of  the  young  and  one  of  the  surest  safeguards 
of  virtue. 

Fashions,  derived  from  a  country  the  climate  of  which  differs  widely 
from  our  own,  lead  to  other  errors  in  dress  which  only  need  be  mentioned  to 


346  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

expose  their  absurdity.  The  black,  tight-fitting  cloth  dress-suit  is  worn  in 
summer,  and  the  light  decollete  ball-room  robe  of  gauze  in  midwinter. 
Such  ill-judged  dressing  sends  hetacombs  of  delicate  women  to  their  graves. 
Women  and  children,  particularly,  seldom  dress  warmly  enough  in  winter. 
The  purpose  of  dress,  apart  from  the  demands  of  concealment  and  fashion, 
is  to  assist  the  body  to  throw  off  or  to  retain  the  heat  which  its  own 
mechanism  generates.  The  dress  in  summer  is  accordingly  thin  and  light 
in  color,  in  winter  dark,  thick  and  loose  in  texture,  and  of  silk  or  wool. 
Cotton  and  linen  are  good  conductors  of  heat  and  carry  off  the  surplus  in 
summer,  while  silk  and  wool  are  bad  conductors  and  carry  off  the  bodily 
heat  but  slowly.  A  tight-fitting  dress  not  only  impedes  the  circulation  of 
the  blood,  but  carries  off  the  heat,  while  a  loose  garment,  enclosing  within 
its  folds  an  abundance  of  air,  leaves  the  blood  to  make  its  rounds  unimpeded 
whatever  may  be  the  motion  of  the  body.  Children  fashionably  dressed 
are  often  put  to  present  torture  and  doomed  to  future  weakness  and  misery. 
God  pity  the  child  whose  mother's  ignorant  pride  out-weighs  her  love  and 
her  sense.  Another  fatal  error  is  the  notion  that  children  can  be  hardened 
into  health  and  endurance  by  exposure.  The  royal  road  to  health  does  not 
lie  in  the  way  of  disobedience  to  natural  laws,  and  while  there  may  be  rug- 
ged children  of  poverty  who,  half  naked,  defy  the  cold  and  storm,  they  are 
examples  of  the  "  survival  of  the  fittest,"  and  are  only  the  tough  specimens 
who  have  proved  able  to  resist  both  withering  neglect  and  destroying  pesti- 
lence. The  children  of  misery  who  survive  are  the  few  who  are  proof 
against  the  severest  tests  of  cold,  hunger,  and  exposure,  while  hundreds  of 
the  weakling  children  of  the  well-to-do  are  nursed  by  care  into  health  and 
long  life.  In  our  variable  climate,  where  in  winter  our  houses  are  over- 
heated by  hot-air  furnaces  and  close  stoves,  a  great  difference  should  be 
made  between  in-door  and  out-door  clothing.  Air  and  exercise  are  essential 
to  health,  but  the  safeguard  against  the  rigors  of  winter  is  in  warm  outer 
garments. 

Richness  in  dress  is  always  admissible  when  it  can  be  afforded,  but  there 
is  a  wide  difference  between  the  rich  and  the  showy.  People  of  nice  tastes 
seek  a  uniformity  of  dress,  a  good  general  average  of  attire,  not  all  shabbi- 
ness  to-day,  and  arrayed  like  Solomon  in  all  his  glory  to-morrow.  As  a  rule 
the  over-dressed  woman  abroad  is  the  slattern  at  home.  She  "  dresses  "  for 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  347 

company,  but  thinks  her  shabbiest  attire  good  enough  to  appear  in  before 
her  husband.  Unfamiliar  with  her  fine  stuffs,  she  is  painfully  conscious  of 
her  clothes,  while  the  moderately-dressed  woman,  who,  guided  by  good 
sense,  dresses  at  home  so  decorously  that  she  is  always  presentable,  easily 
forgets  herself  and  her  garments  in  her  desire  to  be  agreeable  to  her  friends. 

Dress  has  an  important  bearing  upon  manners.  Clothes  alone  do  not 
make  a  gentleman  or  lady,  but  they  help  them  wonderfully  to  make  a  pleas- 
ant impression.  It  is  also  a  matter  of  every  individual's  experience  that  the 
knowledge  of  being  fittingly  and  suitably  dressed  gives  one  an  ease  of  man- 
ner and  an  unconsciousness  of  self  that  no  amount  of  self-control  can 
command  if  one  is  unbecomingly  or  shabbily  attired. 

Girard,  the  famous  French  painter,  when  young,  called  on  Lanjuinais, 
then  of  Napoleon's  Council.  The  young  artist  was  poorly  dressed,  and  met 
a  cold  reception,  but  Lanjuinais  discovered  such  proofs  of  talent  and  good 
sense  that  he  arose  with  the  greatest  courtesy  and  respect  and  accompanied 
his  visitor  to  the  ante-chamber  when  he  took  his  leave.  The  change  in 
manner  was  so  marked  that  Girard  looked  his  surprise,  but  Lanjuinais 
anticipated  his  inquiry  by  saying:  "My  young  friend,  we  receive  an 
unknown  person  according  to  his  dress — we  take  leave  of  him  according  to 
his  merit." 

With  men,  personal  beauty  is  superfluous.  In  fact,  extreme  homeliness 
adds  piquancy  to  masculine  attractions,  while  a  pride  in  figure,  complexion 
or  classic  regularity  of  features  is  weak  and  absurd,  even  in  the  vealy  period 
of  a  young  man's  existence.  Wilkes  was  the  homeliest  man  of  his  time, 
but  his  brilliant  conversation  drew  all  to  him,  and  he  used  to  say:  "  Give 
me  a  half  hour  in  the  society  of  ladies,  and  I  ask  no  favor  of  the  hand- 
somest man  in  society." 

Beauty  in  man  is  in  his  strength  and  manly  grace.  His  attire  should  be 
plain  but  spotless.  His  hair  requires  little  attention,  but  that  little  must 
be  regularly  given.  Finger-nails  should  be  scrupulously  clean,  linen  neat 
and  faultless,  and  tie  in  fashion.  An  untidy,  ill-dressed,  shabby  man  is 
only  less  to  be  abhorred  than  a  slatternly  woman,  and  no  man  who  wishes 
to  please  can  afford  to  neglect  the  least  of  the  necessary  attentions  to  per- 
sonal cleanliness.  A  bad  hat  is  always  in  bad  taste,  and  no  man  can  be 
considered  well-dressed  whose  head  and  feet  are  not  neatly  and  gracefully 


348  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

clothed.  No  man  of  sense  can  be  made  into  a  dandy,  but  a  due  regard  to 
personal  appearance  is  only  a  courteous  acknowledgement  of  our  respect  for 
our  friends,  and  a  desire  to  make  ourselves  agreeable  to  them,  and  in  this 
way  to  increase  the  sum  total  of  their  happiness. 

There  are  few  subjects  that  make  a  stronger  appeal  to  the  feminine  mind 
than  matters  of  dress.  The  ladies'  magazines  and  papers  crowd  out  love- 
stories  even  to  insert  fashion-plates,  and  the  magazines  that  are  published 
in  the  interest  of  women  bloom  with  highly-colored  views  of  the  latest 
Parisian  modes,  and  give  in  detail  all  the  latest  dictums  of  fashion.  In 
summer,  lawns  and  laces,  and,  in  winter,  velvets  and  furs  are  the  absorb- 
ing topics  which,  in  turn,  receive  their  full  share  of  attention.  The  shape 
and  substance  of  garments  become  a  mental  burden,  and  from  the  parlor  to 
the  kitchen,  the  myriad  of  accessories  required  for  any  wardrobe  is  a  source 
of  constant  anxiety  and  trouble.  There  are  cravats,  collars,  cuffs,  fans, 
ribbons,  trinkets,  shoes,  stockings,  gloves  with  the  requisite  number  of 
buttons,  bonnets,  hats,  and  chignons  a  la  mode,  all  to  be  carefully  selected. 

Before  purchasing  additions  to  your  wardrobe,  the  first  question  is 
whether  or  not  they  suit  your  complexion,  and  are  adapted  to  size  and 
figure.  If  a  brunette,  do  not  dress  in  silks  or  muslins  of  dark,  subdued 
hues — black  always  excepted ;  if  fair,  avoid  the  rich,  deep  shades.  A  short, 
stout  person  is  absurd  in  flounces,  puffs,  and  furbelows.  Flat  trimmings, 
such  as  folds  and  plaits,  are  far  more  consonant  with  that  style.  The  tall 
and  thin  may  revel  safely  in  flounces,  puffs,  and  bows,  if  employed  with 
taste  and  moderation. 

It  is  a  good  rule  never  to  buy  an  article  of  dress  that  is  not  suitable  to 
age,  style,  and  the  rest  of  your  wardrobe.  Nothing  is  more  out  of  taste 
than  costly  laces  with  a  common  brocade,  or  cheap  lace  with  rich  and  costly 
fabrics.  Ladies,  while  shopping,  are  often  tempted  to  buy  articles  that 
strike  the  eye  singly.  That  parasol  may  be  pretty,  but  it  will  kill  by  its 
color  one  dress  in  the  buyer's  wardrobe,  and  be  unsuitable  for  the  others. 

It  is  never  economy  to  buy  an  article  that  is  inferior  of  its  kind  because 
it  is  cheap.  The  best  of  its  kind  is  always  the  cheapest  in  the  long  run.  A 
good  gingham  is  more  serviceable  for  a  working  dress  than  a  calico,  and  the 
best  calico  in  fast  colors  is  cheaper  at  a  higher  price  than  those  of  a  low 
grade.  The  economical  mother  will  buy  goods  that  may  be  made  over  for 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  349 

her  little  girls.    Children  are  best  dressed  in  fabrics  of  small  figures  or  solid 
colors. 

In  buying  a  costly  dress,  if  means  are  limited,  the  wise  plan  is  to  select 
what  will  be  serviceable  on  the  greatest  number  of  occasions.  For  instance, 
black  silk  is  appropriate  at  church,  at  a  party,  at  a  funeral,  or  at  a  wedding, 
a  difference  in  occasions  and  trimmings  making  it  gay  or  sombre  to  fit  the 
occasion.  It  may  be  worn  with  hat  and  wrappings,  of  every  hue,  and  is 
always  in  fashion.  The  most  serviceable  is  plain  or  of  small  figure,  the 
same  on  both  sides,  and  alike  at  top  and  bottom,  so  that  it  may  be  turned 
inside  out  and  upside  down.  Next  to  a  black  silk  is  a  good  black  alpaca  for 
real  service  and  comeliness,  and  there  are  various  other  black  fabrics  that 
are  useful  for  the  warm  season.  To  wear  white,  a  woman  must  be  young, 
slight  and  pretty.  No  one  of  stout  figure  can  wear  it  gracefully.  The  con- 
trast of  white  with  florid  faces,  or  in  those  that  have  lost  the  fairness  of 
youth,  is  hard  to  bear.  A  little  lady  is  charming  in  delicate  spotted  linen, 
which  would  make  a  guy  of  a  tall  figure.  Tall  women  may  wear  plaids  but 
not  stripes,  which  are  becoming  to  large  persons,  as  they  reduce  apparent 
size.  Flounces  mark  the  height  at  regular  intervals,  and  apparently  reduce* 
a  tall  stature.  Shawls  are  only  graceful  garments  on  tall  figures.  A  short, 
squat  figure  cannot  be  made  to  bear  one  gracefully.  To  such  a  velvet  circu- 
lar or  a  cloth  sacque  is  becoming,  but  furry  wrappings  are  positively  forbid- 
den. A  small  bonnet  and  a  large  face  are  not  fittingly  united.  Nor  does  a 
coquettish  hat  or  a  gay  butterfly  head-gear  become  a  round,  full  face  and 
double  chin.  The  bonnet  must  be  plain  and  sensible  to  be  pretty.  One 
handsome  plume  may  be  worn  if  it  can  be  gracefully  carried,  but  too  many 
feathers  give  short  people  a  top-heavy  look.  Artificial  flowers,  feathers  and 
ribbons  make  a  combination  too  strong  for  good  taste,  the  milliner  to  the 
contrary  notwithstanding.  A  woman,  to  select  wisely,  must  study  her  own 
face.  A  color  that  gives  the  complexion  a  sickly  or  unnatural  appearance 
is  fatal  to  beauty.  To  choose  those  colors  that  harmonize  with  the  complex- 
ion and  give  a  natural  hue  is  the  secret  of  dressing  well  so  far  as  the  matter 
of  color  is  concerned.  There  are  two  styles  of  blondes,  the  fair  and  the 
ruddy,  and  two  styles  of  brunettes,  the  pale  and  the  florid.  The  fair  blonde 
has  delicate,  white  skin,  light  hair  from  a  golden  hue  to  yellow  or  orange- 
brown,  light  blue  or  gray  eyes,  a  tinge  of  rose  on  the  cheek,  deepening  in. 


350  THE  ART  OF  DEESS. 

the  lips.  This  ruddy  tint,  which  is  too  faint  for  perfect  beauty,  is  deepened 
by  wearing  delicate  green,  which  gives  a  deeper  tint  of  red,  especially  when 
the  hair  is  golden.  Mrs.  H.  W.  Beecher  gives  some  excellent  hints  on  this 
subject,  which  we  quote: 

"  The  best  colors  to  mingle  with  green,  as  trimmings,  are  red,  orange  and 
gold.  Green  and  gold  form  a  rich  harmony,  peculiarly  becoming  to  the  fair 
blonde.  Scarlet,  blended  with  green,  harmonizes  better  than  red;  but  if 
red,  inclining  to  crimson,  is  used,  then  orange  and  gold  must  also  be  com- 
bined with  it.  There  are  some  shades  of  green  that  are  not  becoming  unless 
blended  with  and  enlivened  by  other  harmonious  colors.  A  green  bonnet 
with  rose-color  and  white,  with  a  white  feather,  will  always  be  becoming 
for  this  complexion.  Be  careful  that  too  much  white  is  not  used,  else  it  will 
have  a  cold  effect,  and  therefore  will  not  aid  the  fair  complexion  so  much. 
Orange  or  gold  may  be  substituted  for  the  pink  or  rose — also  red,  in  a  small 
bonnet ;  but  neither  should  be  placed  close  to  the  face.  Orange  in  a  green 
bonnet,  in  small  quantities,  is  becoming,  if  the  wearer's  eyes  are  blue.  A 
few  autumnal  shades  of  red,  orange  or  yellow-green  are  also  in  harmony 
with  the  fair  complexion ;  but  dark-green  is  not  at  all  desirable. 

"Blue  is  very  suitable,  giving  an  orange  tint  which  harmonizes  finely 
with  the  delicate  white  and  flesh  hues  of  the  complexion.  There  is  always 
a  natural  trace  of  orange  color  on  the  skin,  and  this  color,  by  intensifying 
this  natural  tint,  is  very  pleasing;  but  the  blue  must  be  light,  and  not  too 
positive.  Blue  being  the  perfect  contrast  of  orange,  it  agrees  finely  with 
golden  or  orange-brown  hair.  This  is  the  reason  that  light-blue  head- 
dresses are  so  very  becoming  on  light  hair.  To  give  a  good  effect  to  blue  by 
gaslight  a  little  white  or  very  pale  blue  is  necessary  to  be  in  contrast,  or  very 
near  the  face.  If  there  are  green  leaves  with  the  blue  flowers  of  a  head- 
dress they  should  be  placed  as  near  the  face  as  possible. 

"White,  black,  a  very  little  yellow,  orange,  straw,  or  stone  color,  may 
either  of  them  be  used  in  the  trimmings  of  a  light-blue  bonnet  with  good 
effect ;  but  not  if  there  are  pink  or  purple  flowers  on  it,  as  these  colors  min- 
gled with  blue  are  unsuitable.  The  colors  to  be  used  carefully  or  avoided 
altogether  with  fair  complexions  are  yellow,  orange,  red  and  purple.  The 
light  shades  of  lilac  may  be  sometimes  used ;  but  it  is  very  trying  to,  and 
must  always,  if  used,  be  separated  from  the  flesh  by  an  edging  of  tulle  or 
some  similar  trimming  or  be  associated  with  its  harmonizing  colors,  cherry, 
scarlet,  light-crimson  or  gold  color,  and  then  they  will  in  part  overcome  the 
bad  effects ;  but  green  and  lilac  should  never  be  coupled  as  it  will  form  a 
positive  discord.  A  very  light-purple  is  agreeable  for  a  head-dress  on  light 
hair,  but  must  be  placed  near  the  skin. 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  351 

"Neutral  colors,  if  not  too  dark,  accord  well  with  fair  blondes — gray, 
fawn,  drab,  and  some  few  shades  of  brown  are  the  best.  Black  is  good  for 
the  fair  blonde  who  has  some  healthy  color,  because  it  increases  the  rose  in 
the  complexion ;  but  it  is  bad  for  pale  skins,  as  it  bleaches  them  by  the  pain- 
ful contrast.  No  delicate  color  can  be  blended  with  black  without  seeming 
of  a  lighter  tone.  Unless  used  for  mourning,  black  must  be  mingled  either 
with  blue,  cherry,  mulberry,  drab  or  lilac,  to  remove  the  sombre  effects;  but 
cherry  and  lilac  must  be  used  sparingly.  Red  must  not  be  used  at  all  with 
black  for  fair  blondes,  as  it  gives  a  very  rusty  tinge. 

"  White  is  suitable  with  black  if  some  other  color  is  added,  otherwise  it  is 
too  cold.  A  black  bonnet  looks  well  with  a  fair  complexion,  but  a  little 
white  and  rose  color  should  be  added,  keeping  the  rose  away  from  the  skin. 
White  is  pleasant  for  all  complexions,  but  more  so  with  the  fair  blonde  who 
has  some  color  than  for  any  other.  Bright  colors  with  white  bonnet  may  be 
added,  but  it  must  be  kept  low  and  well  grouped.  White  increases  the  pale- 
ness of  a  pale  skin ;  but  this  effect  may  be  neutralized  by  a  blue  or  green 
wreath  brought  well  on  the  face. 

"The  ruddy  blonde  has  a  full-toned  complexion,  inclining  to  a  positive 
rose-red,  or  carnation ;  dark-blue  or  brown  eyes  and  brown  hair.  All  the 
colors  suitable  for  the  fair  blonde  are  generally  suitable  for  the  ruddy 
blonde,  but  the  tones,  and  in  some  cases  the  hues,  must  be  changed.  As  a 
rule  this  type  may  use  more  freedoni  in  the  selection  of  colors  than  the  fair ; 
her  complexion,  not  being  so  delicate,  is  less  sensitive.  The  hair  being  the 
medium  between  gold  and  black,  and  the  complexion  higher  toned  and  more 
positive,  rich  and  moderately  dark  colors  may  be  used. 

"  For  brunettes,  purple  and  dark-maroon  and  yellow  and  orange  are  suit- 
able colors.  Among  brunettes  there  are  a  few  who  are  so  pallid  that  to  wear 
stone-gray  will  render  them  almost  ghastly.  For  such  there  is  drab  of  the 
creamy  or  pinkish  order  that  is  singularly  becoming.  A  tiny  band  or  two 
of  scarlet  velvet  around  shining  black  hair  has  a  very  fine  effect." 

Every  article  of  dress  should  be  well  made  and  perfect  in  fit,  its  elegance 

spending  much  more  on  these  two  points  than  on  its  costliness.    Add  to 

"lis  the  element  of  appropriateness  to  the  occasion,  and  there  is  little  lack- 

g.    For  morning,  a  loosely-made  dress,  high  in  the  neck,  with  sleeves 

fastened  at  the  wrist  with  a  band,  and  a  belt,  is  tasteful  because  convenient. 

A  walking  dress  should  be  so  short  as  not  to  sweep  the  sidewalk,  while  a 

train  is  pleasing  in  the  drawing-room  and  is  appropriate  for  a  carriage  dress. 

Shoes  for  walking  should  be  stout  and  substantial  but  need  not  be  clumsy 

or  ill-fitting  for  this  reason. 


362  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

The  evening  dress,  as  the  term  is  used,  means  full  dress,  and  serves  for 
dinner,  opera,  evening  party,  and  any  entertainment  which  is  given  in  the 
evening,  except  balls,  which  require  a  special  dress.  A  correct  individual 
taste,  guided  only  by  the  caprices  of  fashion  sufficiently  to  prevent  the 
wearer  from  being  conspicuous  by  oddity,  will  decide  just  what  it  shall  be 
in  fabric  and  make-up.  For  daylight  entertainments  less  dress  is  required. 
Great  care  should  be  taken  in  the  selection  of  the  little  things  which  go  to 
make  up  a  complete  wardrobe. 

Deep  and  bright  colored  gloves  are  always  in  bad  taste,  seldom  matching 
anything  else.  Light  shoes  and  dark  dresses,  or  light  dresses  and  dark 
shoes,  are  badly  matched.  No  woman  is  well  dressed  whose  feet  are  not 
neatly  encased  or  whose  gloves  are  not  neatly  fitted.  No  one  but  a  slattern 
will  try  to  hide  ragged  or  soiled  stockings  or  shabby  shoes  under  a  veneer  of 
outside  show.  The  simplest  material,  well  made  and  neatly  fitted,  is  in 
better  taste  than  silks  ill  made  and  ill  fitted.  Any  ornament  that  takes 
away  from  the  simplicity  of  the  attire  is  misplaced.  A  variety  of  orna'ments 
is  well  when  it  can  be  afforded,  but  there  is  no  better  evidence  of  "  shoddy  " 
tastes  than  an  attempt  to  put  them  all  on  with  one  dress.  A  profusion  of 
jewelry  and  ornaments  is  never  tasteful. 

A  consciousness  of  dress  is  fatal  to  self-control  and  ease  in  society.  The 
dullest  people  can  read  the  thoughts  qnd  discern  the  weak  pride  of  those 
who  are  always  thinking  what  they  have  on.  Never  keep  a  visitor  waiting 
while  you  change  your  dress.  There  is  seldom  any  excuse  for  not  dressing 
at  home  so  as  to  be  presentable,  and  if  engaged  in  any  work  which  renders 
such  dress  necessary,  it  is  better  to  ask  to  be  excused  than  to  cause  delay. 
The  busy  housewife  will  find  it  necessary  to  protect  her  dress  by  an  ample 
apron.  The  hair  should  be  plainly  dressed,  without  ornament,  at  home.  At 
hotels  and  boarding  houses  the  dress  may  be  less  simple.  A  visitor  should 
wear  a  loose  morning  dress  when  at  the  house  of  friends.  Morning  dress  for 
the  street  should  be  plain  in  color  and  of  serviceable  material.  For  rainy 
weather  a  waterproof  with  hood  is  better  than  an  umbrella.  The  hat  worn 
with  each  costume  should  be  plain  and  match  the  dress  and  without  super- 
fluous ornaments.  Jewelry  is  out  of  place.  Lisle  thread  gloves  in  summer, 
and  cloth  in  winter,  will  be  found  more  serviceable  than  kids,  and  plain  linen 
collars  and  cuffs  are  neater  than  any  more  elaborate  articles. 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  353 

For  women  engaged  in  business  the  dress  should  conform  to  fashion  suffi- 
ciently to  be  inconspicuous,  but  the  material  should  always  be  serviceable — 
adapted  to  all  sorts  of  weather,  and  generally  of  plain  colors,  such  as  browns 
and  grays. 

The  dress  for  the  promenade  is  richer  than  the  dresses  thus  far  described. 
It  should  be  of  one  tint,  or  at  least  should  not  combine  two  incongruous 
colors.  In  the  country,  walking  dresses  must  be  made  for  service  rather 
than  display.  For  the'city,  the  material  may  be  rich  or  plain,  according  to- 
the  taste  and  means  of  the  wearer ;  but  in  either  case  it  must  be  well  made, 
fit  neatly,  and  never  be  allowed  to  take  on  a  shabby  or  crumpled  look. 
Black  is  the  most  common  color,  relieved  by  bright  colors  in  moderation, 
but  other  colors  are  also  worn,  each  season  having  its  peculiar  feature.  The 
one  requisite  is  that  the  entire  suit  should  be  in  harmony  with  itself,  so  as  to 
produce  a  pleasing  general  effect.  If  one  article  is  new  and  another  old,  or  if 
gloves,  bonnet  and  parasol  are  of  contrasting  colors,  there  is  no  harmony. 
No  costume  made  for  carriage  or  parlor  is  suitable  for  the  promenade,  and 
its  richness  will  not  save  the  wearer  from  criticism. 

The  toilet  for  the  close  carriage  of  the  city  may  be  of  the  richest  descrip- 
tion. Silks,  velvets,  laces,  with  jewelry  and  furs  are  all  appropriate.  Either 
the  walking  dress  length  or  the  train  is  appropriate.  For  country  rides,  a 
material  that  is  proof  against  dust  and  mud  should  be  chosen. 

A  riding  habit  should  fit  neatly  without  being  too  tight.  Too  great 
length  of  skirt  is  dangerous ;  it  is  best  when  full  enough  to  cover  the  feet. 
If  too  long  its  entanglement  may  throw  the  rider,  and  at  best  it  will  be 
bespattered  with  mud  or  covered  with  dust.  Waterproof  material  is  the 
best,  though  for  summer  something  lighter  may  be  substituted,  in  which 
case  a  row  or  two  of  shot  should  be  stitched  into  the  bottom  of  the  breadths. 
The  waist  should  be  buttoned  to  the  throat  and  the  sleeves,  close-fitting, 
should  extend  to  the  wrists,  with  linen  cuffs  under  them.  If  not  too  warm> 
the  riding  skirt  may  be  buttoned  over  an  ordinary  skirt,  so  that  when  dis- 
mounted the  former  may  be  removed  and  a  complete  walking  suit  remain. 
The  hat  varies  in  shape  and  style  with  the  season,  but  the  neat  jockey  caps 
now  worn  are  both  sensible,  convenient  and  secure.  Whatever  the  style, 
the  trimming  should  be  plain  and  simple,  and  so  arranged  that  it  cannot 
blow  into  the  rider's  eyes  or  inconvenience  her  by  coming  off.  The  trim- 


354  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

ming  of  the  hat  should  be  of  the  simplest,  and  the  hair  firmly  put  up.  Any 
jewelry  not  necessary  as  a  fastening  is  out  of  place. 

The  dress  most  suitable  for  a  hostess  depends  on  the  occasion  and  the 
station  of  the  wearer.  In  receiving  callers  at  home,  the  busy  housewife  is 
most  appropriately  dressed  in  a  neat  and  plain  morning  dress,  devoid  of 
jewelry  and  superfluous  ornament.  If  a  lady  has  a  special  reception  day  she 
may  dress  with  greater  care,  but  still  with  simplicity,  if  richly.  With  the 
simple  morning  dress  plain  linen  collar  and  cuffs  are  worn ;  with  a  ceremo- 
nious dress  lace  and  jewelry  in  moderation.  For  special  calling  days,  like 
New  Year's,  the  dress  may  be  rich  and  elaborate.  For  entertainments,  the 
rule  for  Ihe  hostess  is  to  dress  plainly,  that  she  may  not  eclipse  the  plainer 
of  the  guests.  A  young  hostess  wears  a  black  or  dark  silk,  lace  collar  and 
cuffs  and  plain  jewelry ;  an  elderly  lady,  satin  and  velvet,  with  rich  laces. 

At  dinner  parties  in  England,  ladies  wear  decollette  dresses ;  here,  the 
arms  and  neck  are  covered  by  lace  or  muslin  over- waist,  if  not  by  the  dress 
itself.  The  dress  is  less  showy  than  for  an  evening  party  but  still  rich ;  silk 
and  velvets  for  winter,  and  light  goods  which  may  be  worn  over  silk,  are 
appropriate.  Unmarried  ladies  wear  dresses  of  lighter  material  and  tints 
than  the  married.  Middle-aged  ladies  wear  heavy  rich  silks,  and  elderly 
ladies  satins  and  velvets.  Any  light  neutral  tint  or  black,  dark-green,  gar- 
net, dark-blue,  brown  or  fawn  color  are  suitable  for  dinner  dress.  To  learn 
its  effects,  however,  a  piece  of  silk  must  be  seen  both  by  day  and  gaslight. 

A  lady  who  makes  any  pretentious  to  society  should  always  be  dressed 
to  receive  callers  in  the  evening.  The  lighter  fabrics  for  summer,  such  as 
lawns  and  organdies,  and  silks  or  heavy  woolens,  rich  and  warm  in  color, 
for  winter,  if  handsomely  made,  are  suitable.  Diamonds  and  artificial 
flowers  are  out  of  taste.  Those  who  call  dress  a  little  more  elaborately.  A 
bonnet  is  not  removed  during  the  visit  but  a  simpler  head-gear  is  laid  aside. 
For  a  simple  social  party  the  same  style  of  dress — except,  perhaps,  richer 
in  colors  and  trimming — are  appropriate.  Arms  and  shoulders  should  be 
covered  by  the  material  of  the  dress  or  by  illusion.  Dark  silk,  set  off  by 
white  lace  and  diamonds,  are  very  effective.  Gloves  should  harmonize  with 
dress. 

The  best  rule  for  the  ball  dress  is  not  to  outdo  others.  To  be  conspicuous 
is  to  be  over-dressed.  The  material  may  be  of  the  richest,  whether  velvets, 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  355 

silks  or  laces,  and  the  low  neck  and  short  sleeves,  the  costly  head-dress  and 
a  display  of  gems  belong  to  these  occasions.  The  colors  suitable  for  an  elab- 
orate evening  party  are  darker  and  the  material  heavier  than  for  a  ball. 
White  satin  shoes  and  white  kids  are  appropriate  to  such  a  toilet,  or  if  a 
black  over-dress  is  worn,  black  satin  shoes  or  slippers. 

In  public  places  custom  decides  what  is  and  what  is  not  appropriate.  At 
church  dress  may  be  rich  but  should  be  plain.  The  plainest  of  walking  suits 
is  fitting,  it  being  out  of  taste  for  any  woman  to  flaunt  her  showy  garments 
in  houses  devoted  to  the  worship  of  Him  who  was  meek  and  lowly  of  heart, 
where  the  poorest  and  the  most  unfortunate  ought  always  to  be  welcomed  as 
of  one  great  family  and  equals. 

For  the  theatre  the  promenade  suit  with  a  handsome  shawl  or  cloak,  to 
be  removed  if  convenience  requires,  and  either  a  hat  or  bonnet,  is  appro- 
priate. In  some  cities  the  bonnet  is  removed  out  of  consideration  for  those 
who  sit  behind,  but  the  custom,  sensible  as  it  is,  has  not  been  generally 
adopted.  Any  attempt  at  display  is  out  of  taste.  Gloves  should  be  dark 
and  in  harmony  with  the  suit. 

The  lecture  and  concert  admit  a  toilet  somewhat  more  elaborate.  Silk  is 
an  appropriate  material  for  the  dress  with  lace  collar  and  cuffs,  and  jewelry, 
and  white  or  light  kids.  A  rich  shawl  or  an  opera  cloak  is  suitable.  The 
fan  should  harmonize  with  the  dress. 

At  the  opera  the  most  brilliant  costume  is  permitted,  made  up  with 
special  reference  to  the  fact  that  the  brilliant  gaslights  will  bring  out  every 
defect.  The  material  should  not  be  too  light  or  it  will  not  bear  crushing  in 
the  crowd,  but  the  color  may  be  the  richest.  The  head  should  be  uncov- 
ered and  decorated  according  to  the  mode,  with  flowers,  laces  or  feathers. 
If  a  bonnet  or  hat  is  worn  it  must  be  of  the  lightest  material.  Diamonds 
and  the  richest  jewelry  is  displayed  here  to  the  best  advantage.  Gloves  are 
white  or  of  the  most  delicate  of  light  tints,  and  the  gorgeous  opera  cloak  or 
wrap  is  a  necessary  adjunct  to  the  costume.  Purple,  pink  or  orange,  and 
light  tints,  require  black  lace,  while  the  neutral  shades  may  be  wore  with 
either  white  or  black.  Yellow  and  blue  colors  do  not  bear  gaslight  and  should 
not  be  selected.  Green  requires  gold  as  a  contrast,  and  crimson,  black.  The 
bouquet,  handkerchief  and  fan,  as  well  as  the  least  detail  of  ornament,, must 
be  studied  and  made  to  perfectly  harmonize. 


356  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

For  country  and  sea  shore  costumes  the  general  rule  is  that  the  material 
must  be  serviceable  and  of  a  kind  that  may  be  washed.  The  hat  must  have 
a  broad  brim  to  protect  from  the  sun,  and  the  shoes  must  be  stout  and  com- 
fortable for  walking.  A  soft-gray  tint  is  best  for  bathing  costumes.  The 
best  style  for  the  latter  is  a  loose  sacque,  or  yoke  waist,  belted  in  and  falling 
below  the  knee,  and  full  trowsers  gathered  into  a  band  at  the  ankle.  The 
hair  needs  an  oilskin  cap  to  protect  it  when  bathing  in  salt  water.  Socks 
should  be  of  the  color  of  the  suit. 

Croquet,  skating  and  archery  costumes  may  be  more  brilliant  in  color 
than  other  out-of-door  costumes,  and  short  enough  for  convenience  in  move- 
ment and  the  display  of  a  handsome  and  neatly-dressed  foot.  Gloves  for 
croquet  and  archery  should  be  soft  and  pliable,  and  for  skating  heavy  and 
warm.  The  hat  for  the  latter  should  render  a  parasol  unnecessary.  For 
skating,  velvet  trimmed  with  fur,  with  gloves  and  boots  similarly  trimmed, 
make  an  elegant  costume,  but  Scotch  plaid  or  any  warm  woolen  fabric  of 
suitable  colors  is  in  good  taste. 

A  traveling  costume  should  be  neat  and  plain,  with  no  superfluous  orna- 
ment, and  of  a  material  not  easily  soiled.  It  must  look  and  actually  be  com- 
fortable, and  must  protect  from  the  grimy  dust  of  travel.  In  summer,  a 
linen  duster  may  be  worn  over  an  ordinary  dress,  and  in  winter  a  water- 
proof may  give  similar  protection.  A  lady  who  starts  on  a  long  journey 
will  often  find  a  traveling  suit  made  for  the  purpose  not  only  better  but  more 
economical,  as  nothing  is  so  damaging  to  ordinary  garments  as  the  wear  of 
travel.  A  linen  suit  is  neat  and  easily  kept  free  from  dust  in  summer.  In 
winter  there  are  various  fabrics  that  are  well  adapted  for  traveling  costumes. 
The  tint  should  be  neutral  and  the  surface  smooth  so  as  not  to  catch  dust 
readily.  They  should  be  plainly  made  up  and  short.  The  underskirt  should 
be  of  linen  in  summer  and  colored  woolen  in  winter.  White  is  always  out 
of  taste  in  traveling.  Lisle  thread  gloves  in  summer  and  cloth  in  winter  are 
suitable.  Thick-soled  shoes  and  a  hat  plainly  trimmed,  and  protected  from 
dust  by  a  veil,  are  requisite.  Any  material  in  any  garment  Vhich  catches 
and  retains  dust  is  out  of  taste.  Collars  and  cuffs  should  be  of  plain  linen. 
A  water  proof  and  warm  shawl  are  indispensable  reserve  garments.  The 
satchel  should  contain  a  change  of  collars,  cuffs,  gloves,  handkerchiefs,  and 
necessary  toilet  articles.  The  underskirt  should  have  a  pocket  for  money 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  357 

not  wanted  for  immmediate  use,  while  that  for  current  expenses  is  carried 
in  a  purse  in  the  pocket  of  the  dress.  Too  many  pockets  can  scarcely  be 
provided  in  a  traveling  suit.  Always  travel  with  the  least  possible  number 
of  packages.  A  large  trunk  is  better  than  two  small  ones,  and  two  trunks 
are  better  than  one  and  a  seat  full  of  band-boxes  and  rolls,  which  make  the 
entire  journey  crowded  and  uncomfortable.  Comfort  is  the  first  considera- 
tion with  an  experienced  traveler.  , 

One  who  has  often  crossed  the  Atlantic  gives  the  following  as  an  appro- 
priate outfit  for  a  trip  to  Europe: 

Going  to  Europe. — "  An  elastic  valise  and  a  hand-satchel,  at  the  side  of 
which  is  strapped  a  waterproof,"  are  enough  baggage  to  start  with.  In  the 
valise  changes  of  linen,  consisting  of  two  garments,  night-gowns  and  '  angel ' 
drawers.  These  latter  are  made  of  cotton  or  linen,  and  consist  of  a  waist  cut 
like  a  plain  corset-cover,  but  extending  all  in  one  piece  in  front  with  the 
drawers,  which  button  on  the  side.  Usually  the  waist  of  the  drawers  are 
made  without  sleeves,  or  with  only  a  short  cap  at  the  top  of  the  arm,  but  for 
a  European  trip  it  is  advisable  to  add  sleeves  to  the  waist,  so  that  cuffs — 
paper  cuffs,  if  preferred — can  be  buttoned  to  them.  Thus,  in  one  garment 
easily  made,  easily  removed,  and  as  easily  washed  as  a  chemise,  is  comprised 
drawers,  chemise,  corset-cover,  and  undersleeves,  the  whole  occupying  no 
more  room  than  any  single  article  of  underwear,  and  saving  the  trouble 
attending  the  care  and  putting  on  of  many  pieces.  A  gauze  flannel  vest 
underneath  is  perhaps  a  necessary  precaution,  and  ladies  who  wear  corsets 
can  place  them  next  to  this.  Over  these  the  single  garment  mentioned  adds 
all  that  is  required  in  the  way  of  underwear,  except  two  skirts  and  small 
light  hair-cloth  tournure. 

"Of  dresses  there  are  required — one  traveling-dress  of  brown  de  bege,  a 
double  calico  wrapper,  and  a  black  or  hair-striped  silk.  The  latter  is  best, 
because  it  is  light,  because  it  does  not  take  dust,  because  it  does  not  crush 
easily,  and  because,  by  judicious  making  and  management,  it  can  be  arranged 
into  several  costumes,  which  will  serve  for  city  sight-seeing  throughout  the 
journey,  and  be  good  afterward  to  bring  home.  Then,  if  there  is  room,  an 
old  black  silk  or  black  alpaca  skirt  may  be  found  useful,  and  an  embroidered 
linen  or  batiste  polonaise  from  last  summer's  store. 

"Add  to  tlfese  a  black  sash,  a  couple  of  belts,  an  umbrella  with  chatelaine 
and  requisite  attachments,  a  pair  of  neat-fitting  boots  and  a  pair  of  slippers, 
some  cuff's,  small  standing  collars,  and  a  few  yards  of  fraising,  a  striped  or 
chedder  shawl,  a  '  cloud '  for  evenings  on  deck,  some  handkerchiefs,  and  gray 
and  brown  kid  gloves,  and,  with  a  few  necessary  toilet  articles,  you  have  an. 


358  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

outfit  that  will  take  you  over  the  world,  and  can  all  be  comprised  in  the  space 
indicated,  leaving  room  for  a  small  whisk  broom,  essential  to  comfort,  and  a 
large  palm-leaf  fan. 

"  Stores,  such  as  lemons,  a  bottle  of  glycerine,  spirits  of  ammonia,  and 
Florida  water,  which  are  really  all  that  are  required — the  first  for  sickness, 
the  last  three  for  the  toilet — should  be  packed  in  a  small  case  or  box  in  such 
a  way  that  the  flasks  containing  the  liquid  will  not  come  in  contact  with  the 
fruit.  After  landing,  the  box  will  not  be  wanted,  as  the  lemons  will  have 
been  used,  and  the  flasks  can  be  carried  with  dressing  combs  and  the  like  in 
the  satchel." 

There  are  certain  unvarying  rules  about  a  bridal  dress  which  distinguish 
it  from  every  other,  and  no  innovations  authorized  by  fashion  can  interfere 
with  its  distinctive  character.  It  must  be  white  from  head  to  foot,  whatever 
its  material.  It  may  be  made  of  lawn,  muslin,  crepe,  alpaca,  satin,  or  silk, 
and  the  veil,  which  is  an  essential  feature,  may  be  made  of  lace  tulle  or  illu- 
sion, long  and  full.  The  wreath  for  the  bride,  and  the  bouquet,  must  be  of 
orange  blossoms,  either  natural  or  artificial,  and  all  other  flowers  must  be 
white.  The  dress  is  high  in  the  neck,  covering  the  arms;  no  jewelry  is 
appropriate  except  pearls  or  diamonds;  and  the  slippers  should  be  of  white 
satin  or  kid. 

The  dresses  of  brides-maids  are  less  elaborate  than  that  of  the  bride. 
They  are  white,  trimmed  with  delicate  colored  flowers  and  ribbons.  If  veils 
are  worn,  they  are  shorter  than  the  bride's.  Widows  are  never  married  in 
white.  Widows,  and  even  brides  of  middle  age,  should  wear  delicate  neutral 
tints,  with  white  lace  collar  and  cuffs,  and  white  gloves.  Brides  and  brides- 
maids wear  the  dress  of  the  wedding  at  the  wedding  reception.  Guests  at 
wedding  receptions  wear  full  evening  dress,  those  in  mourning  compromising 
on  gray  or  lavender.  For  a  morning  reception,  guests  wear  the  richest 
promenade  costumes,  with  light  gloves.  If  blinds  are  closed  and  gas  lighted, 
evening  dress  is  appropriate. 

When  the  marriage  is  strictly  private,  the  bride  is  married  in  her  traveling 
dress,  and  the  twain  start  at  once  upon  their  bridal  journey.  This  dress  may 
be  more  elaborately  trimmed  than  an  ordinary  traveling  dress,  but  a  bride 
usually  finds  the  attention  attracted  by  a  showy  costume  rather  unpleasant, 
and  the  plainest  is  in  the  best  taste. 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  359 

We  quote  from  Mrs,  Ward's  "  Sensible  Etiquette"  the  following  in  rela- 
tion to  the  appropriate  dress  for  special  occasions : 

"For  Ball  Dress. — Gentlemen  wear  a  black  dress  suit,  the  coat  being 
'swallow-tail,'  the  waistcoat  cut  low,  the  cravat  white,  thin  patent-leather 
boots  and  kid  gloves  of  the  palest  hue,  if  not  white  as  prescribed.  The  shirt 
front  should  be  plain,  the  studs  and  sleeve  links  simple.  It  need  not  be 
added  that  special  attention  should  be  given  to  the  hair,  which,  according 
to  the  present  mode,  is  neither  so  short  as  to  suggest  an  escaped  lunatic, 
nor  '  so  long  as  to  give  the  appearance  of  a  fiddler.'  It  is  better  to  err  upon 
the  too  short  side,  especially  at  the  back  of  the  head,  where  long  hair  des- 
troys the  shape  and  gives  a  touch  of  vulgarity  even  to  the  most  high-bred 
physiognomy.  For  this  reason  it  is  to  be  regretted  that  the  present  style 
may  not  be  a  permanent  one. 

"Evening  dress  is  the  same,  whatever  the  nature  of  the  evening's  enter- 
tainment. The  theory  is,  that  a  gentleman  dresses  for  dinner  and  is  then 
prepared  alike  for  calls,  opera  or  ball.  Sunday  evenings,  morning  dress  is 
worn.  No  one  goes  to  church  in  evening  dress,  and  no  one  is  expected  to 
appear  in  it  at  home  or  away  from  home  on  that  day.  In  some  circles,  even- 
ing dress  is  considered  an  affectation,  and  it  is  well  in  provincial  towns  to 
do  as  others  do. 

"  In  the  country,  as  at  the  seaside,  gentlemen  wear  rough  cloth  suits  and 
shooting  costumes ;  but  as  it  is  the  custom  to  give  half-worn  suits  to  servants 
when  any  one  garment  of  such  suits  gives  out,  let  gentlemen  avoid  wearing 
the  remaining  two  garments  of  a  suit  with  a  third  that  was  not  made  for  it. 
Such  mongrel  or  harlequin  costumes  are  capable  of  transforming,  in  outward 
appearances,  a  gentleman  into  an  old-clothes  dealer.  For  this  reason,  it  is 
to  be  hoped  that  a  fashion  said  to  have  been  recently  introduced  by  mem- 
bers of  the  Coaching  Club,  of  wearing  trousers  darker  than  the  suit,  will 
not  find  favor.  The  rule  has  heretofore  been  invariably  that  the  trousers 
must  be  lighter  than  the  coat  and  waistcoat. 

14  Evening  and  dinner  dress  for  gentlemen  is  the  same  as  ball  dress,  only 
that  gloves  are  dispensed  with  at  dinner,  and  pale  colors  are  preferred  to 
white  for  ordinary  evening  wear.  Waistcoats  cut  low  are  not  worn  with 
frock  coats  or  with  any  but  dress  coats.  White  lawn  cravats  or  ties  are  worn 
only  with  evening  dress.  At  other  times  the  use  of  them  is  confined  to  but- 
lers and  waiters,  together  with  suits  of  shining  black  cloth. 

44  Worsted  or  cotton  gloves  are  not  permissible  anywhere,  nor  under  any 
circumstances.  Ungloved  hands  are  preferable.  Colored  shirts  are  worn  in 
the  morning,  and  are  often  seen  at  watering  places  until  the  dinner  hour. 
Straw  and  felt  hats  should  never  be  worn  with  frock  coats.  Morning  calls 


360  THE  ART  OF  DRESS, 

are  often  made  by  gentlemen  in  our  cities,  as  well  as  at  watering  places,  in 
"their  accustomed  morning  dress. 

"At  garden  parties  gentlemen  wear  dark  frcck  coats,  white  or  black  waist- 
coats, gray  or  colored  trousers,  plaids  or  stripes,  according  to  the  fashion, 
and  '  stove-pipe  '  hats. 

"  When  invited  to  an  early  dinner  or  luncheon,  either  in  the  city  or  the 
country,  or  at  a  watering  place,  the  suitable  dress  for  gentlemen  is  a  black 
waistcoat  and  black  scarf  or  tie.  A  black  frock  coat  worn  with  black  trou- 
sers is  as  incorrect  a  combination  as  a  dress  coat  and  colored  trousers  would 
be.  A  white  necktie  ought  never  be  worn  with  a  frock  coat.  The  same 
dress  as  that  worn  to  garden  parties  is  suitable  for  a  kettle-dxum,  a  day 
reception  or  a  social  tea,  and  is  worn  on  Sundays,  both  in  town  and  country. 
Blonde  men  can  wear  bright  neckties  and  scarf;  but  let  brunes  beware  of 
more  than  the  faintest  dash  of  gay  color  when  they  wish  to  look  distin- 
guished, for  a  superabundance  sometimes  gives  even  a  gentleman  the  appear- 
ance of  a  book  maker  on  the  race  course.  Custom,  however,  has  a  great  deal 
to  do  with  our  prejudices. 

"It  is  not  considered  good  form  for  men  to  wear  much  jewelry.  One 
plain,  handsome  ring,  studs  and  sleeve  links,  a  watch  chain  (not  too  mas- 
sive, and  without  pendants),  always  looks  more  manly  and  aristocratic  thau 
a  superabundance  of  ornament. 

"  The  suitable  dress  for  riding  in  the  park  is  an  ordinary  walking  cos- 
tume; in  the  country,  cords  and  boots  and  felt  hat  may  be  adopted,  but 
never  in  town.  For  shooting,  rough  coats,  Knickerbockers,  thick  stockings, 
leggins  and  substantial  boots. 

"  Gloves  are  worn  in  the  street,  at  an  evening  party,  at  the  opera  or 
theatre,  at  receptions,  at  church,  when  paying  a  call,  driving  or  riding;  but 
not  in  the  country  npr  at  a  dinner.  White  is  de  rigueur  for  balls,  the  palest 
colors  for  evening  parties,  neutral  shades  for  church. 

"  Much  confusion  has  prevailed  in  the  minds  of  some  American  men  as 
to  the  occasions  when  a  dress  coat  is  to  be  worn.  It  has  been  shown  that 
morning  dress  and  evening  dress  for  men  varies  as  decidedly  as  it  does  for 
women.  A  gentleman  in  a  dress  coat  and  white  tie  feels  as  uncomfortable 
in  the  daylight  as  would  a  lady  in  low  neck  and  short  sleeves.  The  gas 
should  be  lighted  and  the  shutters  closed  on  ceremonious  occasions  where 
evening  dress  is  desired  in  daylight.  Frenchmen  are  married  in  dress  coats 
in  morning  weddings,  Englishmen  in  frock  coats.  The  true  evening  cos- 
tume, accepted  as  such  throughout  the  world,  has  at  length  (though  not 
without  some  tribulation)  established  itself  firmly  in  this  country.  With 
advancing  culture  we  have  grown  more  cosmopolitan,  and  the  cosmopolitan 
evening  dress,  acknowledged  everywhere  from  Indus  to  the  poles,  has  been 
granted  undisputed  sway.  Thus  far,  then,  we  have  harmonized  our  standard 


THE  ART  OF  DMESS.  361 

with  that  of  the  rest  of  the  world ;  but  in  the  matter  of  the  proper  costume 
for  state  occasions  before  dinner,  the  average  American  man  is  very  much 
in  the  dark,  and  even  high  officials,  governors,  cabinet  officers  and  other 
dignified  people,  will  get  themselves  up  for  a  morning  reception,  a  luncheon, 
or  some  midday  ceremony,  as  though  they  were  going  to  dine.  Considering 
that  in  this  matter  the  laws  of  cosmopolitan  society  are  as  well  established 
as  in  the  other,  this  carelessness  is  very  absurd ;  yet  it  is  not  entirely  hope- 
less. The  '  swallow-tail '  has  so  recently  secured  its  due  recognition  that  it 
naturally  obtrudes  itself  in  an  unseemly  way,  but  in  good  time  it  will  learn 
its  place  and  keep  it. 

"A  dress  coat  at  a  morning  or  afternoon  reception  on  any  one  out  a  waiter 
is  as  much  out  of  place  as  a  frock  coat  would  be  at  a  large  dinner.  The  frock 
coat  and  gay  trousers  make  quite  as  becoming  a  costume,  and  one  that  is 
established  for  morning  dress  by  the  same  regulations  which  prescribe  our 
evening  dress. 

"An  attention  to  dress  is  useful  as  retaining,  even  in  the  minds  of  sensible 
men,  that  pride  in  a  wife's  appearance  which  is  so  agreeable  to  her,  as  well 
as  that  due  influence  which,  in  the  present  state  of  society,  cannot  be  attained 
without  it. 

"  But  a  love  of  dress  has  its  perils  for  weak  minds.  Uncontrolled  by  good 
sense,  and  stimulated  by  personal  vanity,  it  becomes  a  temptation  first  and 
then  a  curse.  When  it  is  indulged  in  to  the  detriment  of  better  employ- 
ments, and  beyond  the  compass  of  means,  it  cannot  be  too  severely  con- 
demned. It  then  becomes  criminal. 

"  Catharine  of  Arragon  is  said  to  have  expressed  the  opinion:  '  Dressing 
time  is  murdered  time,'  but  the  woman  who  has  not  some  natural  taste  in 
dress,  some  love  of  novelty,  some  delight  in  the  combination  of  colors,  must 
be  deficient  in  a  sense  of  the  beautiful.  As  a  work  of  art  a  well  dressed 
woman  is  a  study.  Consistency,  in  regard  to  station  and  fortune,  is  the  first 
matter  to  be  considered.  A  woman  of  good  sense  will  not  wish  to  expend 
in  unnecessary  extravagance  money  wrung  from  the  hands  of  an  anxious, 
laborious  husband;  or  if  her  husband  be  a  man  of  fortune,  she  will  not  even 
then  encroach  upon  her  allowance.  During  the  first  few  years  of  married 
life,  where  the  income  is  moderate,  it  should  be  the  pride  of  a  woman  to  see 
how  little  she  can  expend  upon  her  dress  and  yet  present  that  tasteful,  cred- 
itable appearance  which  is  desired.  Much  depends  upon  management  and 
upon  the  care  taken  of  garments.  The  French  women  turn  everything  to 
account,  nor  do  they  think  it  unbecoming  to  their  dignity  to  be  careful  of 
their  clothing  when  wearing  it.  They  are  never  seen  trailing  the  skirts  of 
rich  silk  gowns  in  the  street,  nor  any  gown,  as  to  that  matter.  It  is  a  dis- 
gusting sight  to  see  a  woman  performing  the  work  of  a  street  cleaner  and 
taking  up  in  her  clothing  the  dust  and  impurities  that  have  collected  upon 


362  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

street  pavements,  to  say  nothing  of  the  extravagance  of  the  act.  Walking 
costumes  are  never  worn  by  Europeans  of  the  higher  classes  long  enough  to 
touch  the  ground. 

"  Morning  dress  should  be  faultless  in  its  way.  For  young  ladies,  married' 
or  unmarried,  nothing  is  prettier  in  summer  than  white  or  very  light  morn- 
ing dresses  of  materials  that  will  wash ;  but  they  must  always  be  exquisitely 
fresh  and  clean,  ribbons  fresh,  collars  or  ruches  irreproachable. 

"  The  usual  dress  for  elderly  ladies  of  wealth  and  position  should  be  of 
dark  silk.  Jewelry,  flowers  in  caps,  or  hair  ornament,  and  light  silk  dresses, 
are  not  suitable  for  morning  wear.  All  diamonds  should  be  reserved  for 
evening  wear. 

"  Thin  ladies  can  wear  delicate  colors,  while  stout,  florid  persons  look  best 
in  black  or  dark  gray.  For  old  as  well  as  young,  however,  the  question  of 
color  must  be  determined  by  complexion  and  figure.  Rich  colors  harmonize 
with  brunette  complexions  and  dark  hair ;  delicate  colors  with  persons  of 
blonde  hair  and  complexion. 

"  Imitation  lace  should  never  be  worn  by  those  who  can  afford  to  encour- 
age art  and  industry.  A  lady  must  always  be  Men  chausee.  If  stockings  are 
visible,  they  should  be  of  silk  or  fine  thread ;  the  shoe,  well-made,  and  some- 
what trimmed.  Too  many  rings  are  vulgar.  English  ladies  seldom  wear 
other  than  those  of  a  solid  kind  in  the  morning.  Continental  European  and 
American  ladies  are  not  so  particular,  and  are  frequently  seen,  not  only  with 
diamond  rings,  but  with  diamond  soltaires  in  their  ears,  those  containing 
stones  set  in  a  cluster  being  distinguished  by  them  as  belonging  to  evening 
dress  solely. 

"  A  peignoir  or  loose  robe  of  rich  texture  may  be  worn  in  the  early  morn- 
ing hours,  but  is  scarcely  consistent  after  midday. 

"  The  morning  coiffure,  be  it  a  cap  or  be  it  the  dressing  of  the  hair,  should 
be  neat,  simple,  and  compact.  A  head-dress  of  lace  and  bows  of  ribbons  is 
becoming  to  a  married  woman,  but  never  suitable  for  young  girls.  The  use 
of  them  by  the  unmarried  is  confined  to  the  demi-monde.  Artificial  flowers 
are  not  worn  in  morning  caps.  Walking-dresses  should  always  be  quiet  in 
color,  simple,  substantial,  and,  above  all,  founded  in  the  science  of  combi- 
nation. In  the  city  there  should  be  some  degree  of  richness  in  the  dress ;  for 
the  country  it  should  be  tasteful,  solid,  and  strong.  Fortunately,  for  the 
health  of  the  present  generation,  thin  morocco  boots  are  no  longer  worn  for 
walking.  Fashion  decrees  thick  boots,  balmoral  stockings,  gants  de  Suede, 
and  short  gowns,  as  the  prescribed  walking  costume.  American  women  can 
now  enjoy  a  good  walk  with  pleasure,  and  without  shuddering  at  the  aspect 
of  a  filthy  crossing,  or  worrying  themselves  with  the  weight  of  skirts  which 
cleanliness  enforces  their  lifting  from  the  ground,  since  the  French  modistes 
have  at  last  consented  to  make  American  walking  costumes  as  they  have 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  363 

always  made  them  for  Europeans.  Women  of  the  lower  order  can  now  have, 
as  in  Europe,  the  uncleanly  monopoly  of  wearing  carriage  toilets  in  walking. 

"Visiting  costumes,  or  those  worn  at  day  receptions,  are  of  richer  material 
than  walking  suits.  The  bonnet  is  either  simple  or  rich,  according  to  the 
taste  of  the  wearer,  but  it  must  not  encroach  upon  such  as  are  suitable  only 
for  a  fete.  It  must  still  be  what  the  French  call  "wra  chapeau  de  fatigue" 
A  jacket  of  velvet,  or  shawl,  or  fur-trimmed  mantle,  are  the  concomitants 
of  the  carriage  visiting  dress  in  winter.  In  summer,  all  should  be  bright, 
cool,  agreeable  to  wear,  and  pleasant  to  look  at.  Mantles  of  real  lace,  though 
less  worn  in  America  than  formerly,  are  always  rich.  Ordinary  evening 
dress  admits  of  great  taste  and  variety.  A  lady  should  provide  herself  with 
dresses  suitable  for  demi-toilet.  To  wear  dresses  in  the  home-circle  that  have 
done  service  in  the  past  as  ball  or  dinner  dresses,  sometimes  gives  a  tawdry, 
miserable  look  to  the  wearer.  Nothing  is  so  vulgar  as  finery  and  jewelry 
out  of  place. 

"The  full  dinner  dress  admits  of  great  splendor  in  the  present  days  of 
luxury.  It  may  be  of  any  thick  texture  of  silk  in  vogue — long,  fresh,  and 
sweeping.  Diamonds  are  used,  but  not  in  full  suits  as  at  a  ball,  only  in 
brooches,  pendants,  earrings  and  bracelets.  The  same  rule  applies  to  eme- 
ralds, but  not  to  pearls.  Rows  of  pearls  are  worn  with  any  dress ;  they  suit 
either  the  demi-toilette  or  the  grand  dinner,  if  the  materials  be  sufficiently 
rich.  If  artificial  flowers  are  worn  in  the  hair,  they  should  be  of  the  choicest 
description.  The  fan  should  be  perfect  in  its  way,  and  the  gloves  should  be 
quite  fresh.  Every  trifle  in  a  lady's  costume  should  be,  as  far  as  she  can 
afford  it,  faultless.  She  should  prefer  to  go  out  in  a  simple  gown  rather  than 
with  false  lace,  or  with  soiled  gloves. 

"  Ball  dressing  requires  less  art  than  the  nice  gradations  of  costume  in  the 
dinner  dress  and  the  dress  for  small  evening  parties.  For  a  ball,  everything 
light  and  diaphanous,  somewhat  fanciful  and  airy,  for  all  save  dowagers. 
What  are  called  good  dresses  seldom  look  well  at  a  ball.  The  heavy,  rich- 
trimmed  silK,  is  only  appropriate  to  those  who  do  not  dance. 

"  Much  jewelry  is  out  of  place  for  young  ladies  at  any  time.  Diamonds 
and  camel's  hair  shawls  are  considered  unsuitable  for  unmarried  ladies  until 
they  have  passed  a  certain  age.  Handkerchiefs  trimmed  with  lace  should 
be  reserved  for  balls  and  evening  parties. 

"  Natural  flowers  are  always  more  youthful  than  artificial  ones. 

"  Opera  dress  for  matinees  may  be  as  elegant  as  for  morning  calls.  A 
bonnet  is  always  worn,  even  by  those  who  occupy  boxes,  but  it  may  be  as 
dressy  as  one  chooses  to  make  it.  In  the  evening,  ladies  are  at  liberty  to 
wear  evening  dresses,  with  ornaments  in  their  hair  instead  of  a  bonnet ;  and 
no  one  who  has  noticed  the  great  difference  in  the  appearance  of  the  house 
when  ladies  wear  light  colors,  will  wish  to  take  away  from  the  effect  by 


364  THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 

wearing  dark  hues.  Philadelphia  has  one  of  the  prettiest  opera-houses  in 
America,  and  when  it  was  the  custom  for  ladies  there  to  dress  for  the  dress- 
circle  and  parquet,  as  they  do  still  elsewhere,  the  house  on  an  opera-night 
rivalled  in  effect  a  London  audience.  It  has  been  said  that  the  best-dressed 
women  and  the  worst-dressed  men  are  found  among  the  Russians,  the  French, 
and  Americans,  while  English  gentlemen  are  left  to  carry  off  the  palm  for 
good  dress,  over  all  other  nations.  The  Germans  and  Scandinavians,  as  a 
rule,  are  still  worse  dressed,  although  there  are  many  among  them  whose 
dress  could  not  be  improved,  according  to  our  present  ideas  of  what  is  correct. 

"Fashions  are  constantly  changing,  and  those  who  do  not  adopt  the 
extreme,  can  well  afford  to  feel  satisfied  with  the  medium,  for  so  many  are 
the  prevailing  modes  at  the  present  time,  that  among  them  may  be  found 
one  to  suit  every  style  of  form  and  face. 

"  The  secret  simply  consists  in  a  woman's  knowing  the  three  grand  units — 
her  own  station,  her  own  age,  and  her  own  points ;  and  no  woman  can  dress 
well  who  does  not.  With  this  knowledge  she  turns  a  cold  eye  to  the  assur- 
ance of  shopmen,  and  the  recommendations  of  milliners.  She  cares  not  how 
new  or  original  a  pattern  may  be,  if  it  be  ugly ;  or  how  recent  a  shape,  if  it 
be  awkward.  Not  that  her  costume  is  always  new;  on  the  contrary,  she 
wears  many  a  cheap  dress,  but  it  is  always  pretty,  and  many  an  old  one,  but 
it  is  always  good.  She  deals  in  no  gaudy  confusion  of  colors,  nor  does  she 
affect  a  studied  primness  or  sobriety ;  but  she  either  refreshes  you  with  a 
•spirited  contrast,  or  composes  you  with  a  judicious  harmony. 
,  "  After  this,  we  need  not  say  that  whoever  is  attracted  by  the  costume  will 
not  be  disappointed  in  the  wearer.  She  may  not  be  handsome  nor  accom- 
plished, but  we  will  answer  for  her  being  even-tempered,  well-informed, 
thoroughly  sensible,  and  a  complete  gentlewoman.  After  all,  in  all  these 
important  matters  of  dress,  it  is  the  wearer's  own  sense  on  which  their  proper 
application  depends. 

Formerly,  mourning  was  worn  in  England  both  for  a  longer  period  and  of 
a  much  deeper  character  than  is  used  at  the  present  time.  Two  years  were 
•  not  considered  too  long  a  time  for  a  father  or  a  mother.  Now  custom  pre- 
scribes only  one  year.  It  is  also  considered  better  form  now  to  wear  plainer 
and  less  ostentatiously  heavy  and  expensive  habiliments.  Widows  wear 
deep  mourning  for  one  year;  then  ordinary  mourning  as  long  a  time  as  they 
may  wish.  Deep  mourning  is  considered  to  be  woolen  "stuff"  and  crape. 
Second  mourning  is  black  silk  trimmed  with  crepe.  Half-mourning  is  black 
'and  white.  Complimentary  mourning  is  black  silk  without  crepe.  The  dif- 
ferent stages  are  less  observed  everywhere,  outside  of  courts,  than  formerly. 
The  French  divide  morning  garb  into  three  classes — deep,  ordinary,  and  half- 
mourning.  In  deep  mourning,  black  woolen  cloths  only  are  worn ;  in  ordi- 
nary mourning,  silk  and  woolen  both ;  and  in  half-mourning,  black  and 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS.  365 

white,  gray  and  violet.  In  France  etiquette  prescribes  for  a  husband  one 
year  and  six  weeks ;  six  months  of  deep  mourning,  six  of  ordinary,  and  six 
weeks  half-mourning.  For  a  wife,  a  father,  a  mother,  six  months ;  three 
deep  and  three  half-mourning.  For  a  grandparent,  two  months  and  a  half, 
slight  mourning.  For  a  brother  or  sister,  two  months,  one  of  which  is  deep 
mourning.  For  an  uncle  or  aunt,  three  weeks  of  ordinary  mourning,  and 
two  weeks  for  a  cousin.  While  wearing  deep  mourning,  one  does  not  go 
into  society,  neither  are  visitors  received.  In  the  United  States  we  have  no 
fixed  rules,  but  of  late  years  the  retirement  from  the  world,  after  the  loss  of 
a  near  relative,  has  been  much  shortened.  For  one  year  no  formal  visiting 
is  undertaken,  and  no  entertaining  nor  receiving,  save  in  exceptional  cases. 
Mourning  (or  black)  is  worn  for  a  husband  or  a  wife  two  years ;  one  year 
deep,  one  year  light.  For  parents,  from  one  to  two  years;  and  for  brothers 
and  sisters  that  have  reached  maturity,  one  year.  Those  who  are  invited  to 
a  funeral,  though  not  related,  must  go  entirely  in  black,  wearing  black  gloves 
and  black  beaver  hat.  To  appear  in  hats  of  felt  or  straw,  is  wanting  in  due 
respect  to  customs. 

There  are  a  few  things  to  be  said  regarding  harmony  of  color,  after  the 
proper  colors  to  be  worn  have  been  decided  upon.  Certain  colors  produce  the 
same  mental  effect  through  the  eye  as  discord  in  music  through  the  medium 
of  the  ear.  Red  and  blue  should  not  be  used  together,  nor  should  red  and 
yellow,  blue  and  yellow,  or  scarlet  and  crimson.  Green  in  moderation  may 
be  used  with  a  dress  of  red ;  so  of  crimson  with  a  dress,  and  orange  with 
blue.  Scarlet  and  solferino  "  kill "  each  other.  Contrasting  colors,  like  red 
and  green,  should  not  be  used  in  equal  quantities.  Black  may  be  worn  with 
any  color ;  the  same  is  true  of  white,  though  it  looks  best  with  the  darker 
tones.  Delicate  tints,  like  light  blue,  pea-green  or  mauve,  become  a  very 
fair  and  delicate  complexion.  Scarlet  and  orange  bring  out  the  bright  tints 
of  the  brunette.  A  florid  face  and  amber  hair  demand  blue.  The  fine  golden 
hair  needs  blue  with  pearls  and  white  flowers.  Light  brown  hair  is  set  off 
by  blue  which  shows  the  golden  tint.  Dark  brown  hair  bears  light  blue, 
and  dark  blue  in  moderation.  If  auburn  hair  borders  on  red,  it  needs  scarlet 
to  tone  it  down.  If  a  golden  red,  purple  or  black  will  bring  out  its  richer 
tints.  Black  hair  bears  scarlet,  orange,  or  white,  diamonds  and  pearls.  A 
small  person  should  dress  in  light  colors,  but  the  majesty  of  a  large  person 
is  best  displayed  by  dark  colors.  Large  figures  and  a  variety  of  colors  are  in 
bad  taste,  and  the  selection  of  any  glaring  color  that  draws  the  eye  from  the 


366 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 


face  to  the  dress,  is  an  error.  Black,  however,  suits  nearly  all  forms  and 
figures.  Two  dissimilar  colors  which  combine  agreeably  make  a  harmony 
of  contrast.  Two  similar  colors  which  combine  agreeably,  make  a  harmony 
of  analogy.  The  harmony  of  contrast  is  most  effective  and  brilliant,  while 
the  latter  gives  the  softer  tones.  The  rule  in  dress  is  to  select  a  color  which 
is  favorable  to  the  complexion,  and  associate  with  it  tints  that  harmonize 
by  analogy,  but  if  a  color  is  selected  which  does  not  Buit  the  complexion, 
contrasting  colors  are  used  to  neutralize  its  effect.  For  example,  green  is 
becoming  to  a  blonde,  and  she  associates  with  it  tones  of  green  to  enhance 
its  effect ;  but  if  a  brunette  wears  violet,  which  does  not  suit  her  complexion, 
yellow  and  orange  grouped  with  it  render  it  harmless,  and  even  agreeable. 
Contrasting  colors  of  equal  power  intensify  each  other's  effect,  as  blue  and 
orange,  scarlet  and  green.  Dark  and  light  colors  affect  each  other  by  mak- 
ing the  dark,  darker,  and  light,  lighter.  Colors  that  harmonize  by  analogy 
have  a  subduing  effect  on  each  other.  For  an  evening  costume,  avoid  dark 
blues  and  greens,  and  all  shades  of  purple  and  lilac,  as  artificial  light  kills 
their  brilliant  hues.  On  the  other  hand,  scarlets,  oranges,  crimsons,  and 
the  light  browns  and  greens,  become  more  brilliant  by  gas-light.  The 
following  table  will  be  of  assistance  in  the  selection  and  grouping  of  colors : 


COIjOIRS  TZHLS.T 


Blue  and  salmon  color. 

Blue  and  drab. 

Blue  and  orange. 

Blue  and  white. 

Blue  and  straw  color. 

Blue  and  maize. 

Blue  and  chestnut. 

Blue  and  brown. 

Blue  and  black. 

Blue  and  gold 

Blue,  scarlet  and  purple. 

Blue,  orange  and  black. 

Blue,  orange  and  green. 

Blue,  brown,  crimson  and  gold. 

Blue,  orange,  "black  and  white. 

Black  and  white. 

Black  and  orange. 

Black  and  maize. 

Black  and  scarlet. 

Black  and  lilac. 

Black  and  pink. 

Black  and  slate  color. 

Black  and  drab. 

Black  and  buff. 

Black,  yellow  and  crimson. 

Black,  orange,  blue  and  scarlet. 


Crimson  and  drab. 

Crimson  and  gold. 

Crimson  and  orange. 

Crimson  and  maize. 

Crimson  and  purple. 

Green  and  scarlet. 

Green,  scarlet  and  blue. 

Green,  crimson,  blue  and  gold. 

Green  and  gold. 

Green  and  yellow. 

Green  and  orange. 

Lilac  and  crimson. 

Lilac,  scarlet,  black  and  white. 

Lilac,  gold  and  crimson. 

Lilac,  yellow,  scarlet  and  white. 

Lilac  and  gold. 

Lilac  and  maize. 

Lilac  and  cherry. 

Lilac  and  scarlet. 

Purple,  scarlet  and  gold. 

Purple,  scarlet  and  white. 

Purple,  scarlet,  blue  and  orange. 

Purple,  scarlet,  blue,  yellow  and  black. 

Purple  and  gold. 

Purple  and  orange. 

Purple  and  maize. 


THE  ART  OF  DRESS. 


367 


Purple  and  blue. 
Red  and  gold. 
Red  and  white. 
Red  and  gray. 
Red,  orange  and  green. 
Red,  yellow  and  black. 
Red,  gold,  black  and  white. 
Scarlet  and  slate  color. 
Scarlet,  black  and  white. 
Scarlet,  blue  and  white. 
Scarlet,  blue  and  yellow. 
Scarlet,  blue,  black  and  yellow. 
White  and  scarlet. 


White  and  crimson. 

White  and  cherry. 

White  and  pink. 

White  and  brown. 

Yellow  and  chestnut. 

Yellow  and  brown. 

Yellow  and  red. 

Yellow  and  crimson. 

Yellow  and  black. 

Yellow,  purple  and  crimson. 

Yellow,  purple,  scarlet  and  blue. 

Yellow  and  purple. 

Yellow  and  violet. 


The  following  colors  are  worn  as  eccentricities,  but  harmonize  imperfectly 


Blue  and  lilac. 

Blue  and  fawn. 

Blue  and  crimson. 

Blue  and  pink. 

Blue,  scarlet  and  purple. 

Crimson  and  black. 

Crimson  and  brown. 


Yellow  and  white. 
Yellow  and  blue. 
Yellow  and  lilac. 
Purple  and  black. 
Purple  and  white. 
White  and  gold. 


THE  TOILET. 


"  Cleanliness  is  next  to  Godliness." 

EXQUISITE  neatness  of  person  is  inseparable  from  gentle  breeding.  It  is  a 
matter  of  principle  as  well  as  pride  with  the  true  gentleman  and  lady  not 
only  to  seem,  but  to  be,  scrupulously  clean.  Untidiness  not  only  puts  friends " 
to  the  blush,  but  obscures  the  brightest  talents.  The  gentleman  who  offers 
a  lady  his  escort  to  a  public  place  of  amusement,  has  a  right  to  expect  that 
she  will  not  appear  with  frowsy  hair,  badly-fitting  or  ill-chosen  dress,  and 
redolent  of  cheap  perfumes ;  and  if  he  cares  for  his  own  reputation,  he  will 
not  give  one  who  has  so  little  regard  for  herself  as  to  appear  in  such  a 
plight,  a  second  opportunity  to  disgrace  him.  Still  less  has  a  gentleman  a 
right  to  impose  his  attentions  on  a  lady,  unshaven,  with  unkempt  hair, 
soiled  linen,  or  clothing  odorous  of  tobacco. 

Health  as  well  as  beauty  depend  on  the  more  important  details  of  the 
toilet,  and  attention  to  these  is  not  only  a  matter  of  pride  but  of  duty,  and  of 
the  highest  personal  interest.  Beauty,  health  and  vigor  go  together.  Dis- 
ease means  decay,  and  decay  is  never  attractive.  The  charms  that  attract 
lie  in  freshness  and  life.  The  bath  is  the  first  requisite  for  health  and 
cleanliness.  Bathing  not  only  makes  the  body  clean,  but  keeps  it  clean  by 
preserving  the  skin,  with  its  millions  of  pores,  in  a  healthy  state ;  the 
secondary  value  lies  in  its  sanitary  effects.  A  cool  or  cold  bath  daily,  or  a 
thorough  rubbing  with  a  rough  towel  or  flesh-brush  in  cases  when  the  cold- 
water  bath  is  too  stimulating,  and  a  warm  bath  once  a  week,  with  plenty  of 
soap,  are  necessary  to  health  as  well  as  beauty.  When  a  house  is  not 
provided  with  a  bath-room — and  a  house  can  always  dispense  with  a  parlor 


THE  TOILET.  369 

more  safely  and  easily — an  oilcloth  upon  the  carpet  or  floor  will  make  a 
hand-bath  both  agreeable  and  effective.  The  head  should  be  wet  first  in  all 
baths,  and,  if  overheated  or  fatigued,  it  is  better  to  rest  before  bathing.  The 
air-bath  is  recommended  by  Dr.  Franklin  and  by  eminent  French 
physicians.  It  is  simply  exposure  to  the  sun-light  and  air,  and  in  many 
cases  this  simple  treatment  has  effected  wonderful  cures. 

The  care  of  the  teeth  is  necessary  to  preserve  them  sound  and  beautiful. 
No  face,  however  regular  in  features,  can  boast  of  beauty  without  regular 
and  pearly  teeth.  Their  preservation  depends  greatly,  though  not  wholly, 
on  care.  They  should  be  brushed  carefully  with  a  soft  brush  at  night,  in  the 
morning,  and  after  each  meal.  A  soft  brush,  with  soft  water,  is  best. 
Tooth-washes  and  powders  are  often  harmful,  and  seldom  beneficial.  The 
brush  should  reach  both  outside  and  inside  of  teeth.  After  using,  plunge  the 
brush  into  water,  rinse  thoroughly,  and  wipe  dry  on  a  towel.  If  anything 
but  water  is  needed,  castile  soap  is  the  best  cleanser,  and  nothing  else  will  be 
necessary,  unless  hot  drinks  and  tobacco  have  vitiated  the  stomach.  Tar- 
tar, a  yellowish  deposit,  results  from  an  impaired  condition  of  the  stomach's 
fluids.  If  allowed  to  accumulate,  it  can  only  be  removed  by  a  dentist. 
When  neglected  it  loosens  and  destroys  the  teeth.  Washing  teeth  with 
vinegar  assists  in  its  removal  in  early  stages.  Salt  and  water  removes  and 
cures  tenderness  of  gums.  Decay  must  have  a  dentist's  attention  at  once, 
and  no  one  should  fail  to  have  an  examination  made  by  a  competent  dentist 
once  in  six  months  or  oftener,  if  necessary.  Many  cases  of  foul  breath  are 
caused  by  neglected  or  decayed  teeth ;  but  it  sometimes  arises  from  other 
causes.  If  arising  from  the  teeth,  mouth,'  or  a  local  cause,  a  gargle  made  by 
dissolving  a  spoonful  of  chloride  of  lime  in  a  half  tumbler  of  water  will 
remove  the  offense.  The  taint  of  smoking- is  removed  by  common  parsley. 
A  tooth-pick  is  always  necessary  to  remove  particles  of  food  which  lodge 
between  the  teeth,  and  decaying  in  the  hot  atmosphere  of  the  mouth,  cause 
offensive  breath.  A  goose-quill  is  the  safest  and  best.  Those  made  of  metal 
should  be  avoided.  A  harsh  tooth-brush  is  apt  to  irritate  the  gums.  A  con- 
centrated solution  of  chloride  of  soda,  say  five  or  ten  drops  in  a  wine-glass 
of  water,  is  an  excellent  wash  for  the  mouth  to  remove  bad  breath.  For  the 
taint  of  onions,  parsley  leaves,  with  vinegar  or  burnt  coffee,  is  a  remedy. 

To  keep  the  skin  clear,  cleanliness,  wholesome  food,  and  regular-habits 


370  THE  TOILET. 

are  better  than  all  the  cosmetics  in  the  world.  Indeed,  cosmetics  and 
washes  are  all  dangerous  to  beauty>  and  defeat  the  end  they  seek.  Tight- 
lacing  is  destructive  to  a  beautiful  complexion,  because  it  interferes  with 
the  circulation  of  the  blood.  Cutaneous  eruptions  belong  to  physicians. 
They  are  signs  of  disease.  Freckles  are  of  two  kinds :  those  occasioned  by 
exposure  to  the  sun,  and  those  which  are  constitutional  and  permanent. 
The  latter  are  too  deep  for  treatment.  The  former  require  care  to  avoid 
exposure  to  the  sun.  To  remove  them,  grate  horse-radish  fine,  let  it  stand 
a  few  hours  in  buttermilk,  strain  and  use  as  a  wash  night  and  morning;  or 
squeeze  the  juice  of  half  a  lemon  into  half  a  tumbler  of  water,  and  apply  in 
the  same  manner.  Moles  may  be  removed  by  moistening  a  stick  of  nitrate 
of  silver,  and  touching  them;  they  turn  black,  become  sore,  dry  up,  and  fall 
off.  If  they  do  not  go  by  first  application,  repeat.  It  is  not  always  safe  to 
attempt  their  removal,  however,  and  a  physician  should  be  consulted.  Xo 
attempt  should  be  made  to  remove  mothers'  marks  without  the  advice  of  a 
physician.  Warts  may  be  removed  by  washing  in  a  strong  solution  of 
common  washing-soda,  dissolved  in  water.  Tetter  is  caused  by  improper  diet. 

Flesh-worms — black  specks,  on  the  nose  and  lips — may  be  removed  by 
washing  thoroughly  in  tepid  water,  rubbing  with  a  towel,  and  applying 
with  a  soft  cloth  a  lotion  made  of  three  ounces  of  cologue  and  half  an  ounce 
liquor  of  ammonia.  To  remove  tan  and  sunburn,  scrape  a  cake  of  brown 
Windsor  soap  to  a  powder,  add  one  ounce  each  of  eau  de  cologne  and  lemon- 
juice,  mix  well,  and  form  into  cakes.  This  also  prevents  hands  from  chap- 
ping, and  makes  the  skin  soft  and  white. 

The  beauty  of  the  eyes  is  independent  of  all  arts  of  the  toilet.  The  soul 
looks  out  of  them,  and  those  who  would  preserve  their  beauty  should  take 
care  that  there  is  a  beauty  of  character  behing  them.  Nothing  is  more  vul- 
gar than  painting  or  coloring  the  lids  or  lashes.  The  near-sighted  should 
wear  glasses  exactly  fitting  the  vision,  and  these  only  when  absolutely  nec- 
essary, as  they  tend  to  shorten  the  vision.  This  defect  of  the  eyes,  as  well  as 
squinting  and  cross-eyes,  is  often  acquired  through  habit  or  carelessness. 

The  eyes  should  never  be  abused  by  reading  in  cars,  or  a  vehicle  in  motion, 
by  an  imperfect  or  unsteady  light.  The  moment  when  the  eye  is  fatigued  it 
must  have  rest  or  injury  results.  Damp,  foggy  weather,  the  reflection  of  the 
:  bright  sunshine,  intense  cold,  dust,  wind,  reading  by  gas  or  lamp  light  when 


THE  TOILET.  371 

the  light  falls  directly  on  the  eyes,  sitting  before  a  glowing  fire,  wearing  of 
glasses  when  not  needed,  wearing  veils,  and  all  indulgences  that  weaken 
the  nervous  system,  injure  the  eyes.  The  most  pleasing  light  for  work  is 
from  a  northern  exposure.  A  shade  that  protects  the  eyes  from  a  light 
that  falls  on  paper,  book  or  work  is  an  advantage.  The  light  should  not 
come  from  different  points,  but  that  from  behind  the  worker  is  best.  A 
very  weak  or  very  bright  light  should  be  equally  avoided.  Diseases  of  the 
eye  are  often  the  result  of  general  weakness,  and  in  such  cases  local 
treatment  has  little  effect.  In  fitting  glasses  to  the  eye,  great  care  should 
be  taken  to  adjust  the  lens  with  accuracy.  Crown  glass  is  more  preferable 
to  flint,  on  account  of  its  superior  hardness,  its  entire  want  of  color,  and  its 
non-decomposition  of  light.  Scotch  pebbles  are  unobjectionable  except  as 
to  cost. 

Eyebrows  may  be  made  more  beautiful  by  the  same  care  which  is  given 
to  the  hair.  Dyeing  eyebrows  generally  produces  shocking  confusion  and 
want  of  harmony  in  the  face,  and  it  is  seldom  that  nature  can  be>  improved 
upon. 

If  eyebrows  unite,  let  them  alone.  To  remove  them  would  leave  a  scar. 
Cold  cream  is  a  good  remedy  for  inflamed  eyelids.  The  eyelash  may  be 
lengthened  by  trimming  carefully  and  evenly  occasionally  in  childhood. 
Care  must  be  taken,  however,  as  after  a  certain  age  they  do  not  grow  out 
again.  Eyebrows  may  be  carefully  brushed  in  the  direction  they  ought  to 
grow,  and  their  beauty  thus  increased.  Dyeing  the  eyebrows  and  lashes  is 
exceedingly  vulgar,  except  in  cases  where  they  are  not  of  the  same  color  as 
the  hair. 

The  care  of  the  hair  is  exceedingly  important.  Nothing  promotes  its 
beauty  like  the  careful  and  diligent  use  of  the  brush.  Combing  or  brushing 
should  begin  at  the  extreme  points,  while  that  above  the  comb  or  brush  is 
held  firmly  in  the  hand  so  that  if  entangled  it  may  not  irritate  the  roots. 
The  finest  hair  may  be  ruined  by  tugging  at  the  roots.  Such  carelessness 
produc'es  short,  loose  and  broken  hairs.  The  scalp  must  be  kept  clean  if  the 
hair  remains  healthy.  The  brush  should  be  only  moderately  hard,  'but  the 
best  brushes  are  the  most  serviceable,  as  well  as  the  cheapest,  when  their 
durability  is  concerned.  Vinegar  and  water,  and  ammonia  diluted  with 
water,  are  highly  recommended  for  use  for  washes  for  the  scalp  and  roots 


372  THE  TOILET. 

of  the  hair.  Oil  should  be  used  sparingly  in  all  cases,  and  is  seldom  neces- 
sary. Nothing  is  more  disgusting  than  an  over-oiled  head  of  hair,  such  as 
marks  the  booby  in  his  Sunday  clothes,  at  a  fair,  or  on  a  circus  day.  Any 
perfumed  oil  is  still  more  vulgar.  Unscented  salad  oil  or  bear's  grease 
applied  in  the  greatest  moderation,  with  the  hands  or  a  soft  brush,  are  as 
good  as  anything  for  the  purpose.  Those  whose  hair  is  glossy  and  shining 
need  no  such  dressing;  but  where  it  is  harsh  and  dry,  artificial  oiling  in 
moderation  is  necessary.  Whenever,  however,  it  feels  oily  to  the  touch, 
too  much  has  been  used,  and  a  piece  of  flannel  should  be  employed  to 
remove  the  surplus.  The  hair  brush  should  be  frequently  cleansed  with 
diluted  ammonia.  Many  heads  require  nothing  more  than  an  occasional 
washing  with  soap  and  soft  water ;  for  others  a  wash  made  of  glycerine, 
diluted  wtth  rose-water,  is  necessary  to  remove  the  accumulated  scurf. 
Any  preparation  of  rosemary  is  a  cleansing  and  agreeable  wash.  All  the 
dyes,  and  preparations,  the  component  parts  of  which  are  secret,  should  be 
avoided  as  humbugs ;  they  may  be  exceedingly  dangerous.  Some  of  them 
contain  poisons  which,  when  absorbed  in  the  system  through  the  skin,  pro- 
duce paralysis  and  even  blindness.  There  are  a  goodly  number  of  prepara- 
tions known  to  be  harmless,  which  are  easily  and  cheaply  compounded. 
Young  girls  should  wear  the  hair  short  nntil  they  are  grown  up,  if  they 
would  have  it  in  the  best  condition.  When  the  hair  grows  so  long  that  the 
ends  split,  it  should  be  clipped ;  the  ends  may,  in  any  case,  be  clipped  once 
a  month. 

The  forms  for  dressing  the  hair  vary  so  much  that  it  need  only  be  said 
here  that  good  taste  rejects  every  style  that  is  extreme,  particularly  such  as 
require  a  large  amount  of  false  hair.  Such  fashions,  ladies  of  refinement 
will  follow  at  a  respectful  and  respectable  distance,  aiming  only  not  to  be 
conspicuously  out  of  fashion. 

Dyeing  the  hair  is  always  against  the  dictates  of  good  taste.  It  is  only 
pardonable  when  the  hair  changes  from  its  normal  color  in  patches.  Thin 
water,  made  from  the  husks  of  walnuts,  procurable  at  any  druggist's,  may 
be  applied  daily,  to  darken  without  actually  dyeing  it.  This  preparation 
may  also  be  used  for  toning  down  hair  that  is  of  too  fiery  a  red.  Gray  hair 
is  a  crown  of  glory,  if  it  comes  after  a  well-spent  life,  and  it  is  seldom  that 
it  comes  out  of  accord  with  the  changes  time  has  made  in  the  face. 


THE  TOILET.  373 

Baldness  usually  comes  from  wearing  close  and  ill-ventilated  hats,  which 
confine  the  air  and  overheat  the  head.  Those  who  discover  a  tendency  to 
baldness  should  discard  silk  hats,  keep  their  scalps  clean,  their  hair  clean, 
and  go  often  with  the  head  uncovered.  Custom  permits  such  eccentric 
individuals  as  male  musicians  and  artists  are  supposed  to  be,  to  wear  long 
hair,  but  in  any  other  such  indulgence  would  be  taken  as  evidence  of  a  weak 
head  or  a  disordered  brain. 

The  beard  may  be  worn  full,  or  in  any  style  that  suits  the  face,  but  there 
are  few  faces  that  do  not  seem  most  manly  with  the  full  beard,  Diogenes 
would  never  consent  to  be  shaved.  Said  he:  "  Would  you  insinuate  that 
nature  had  done  better  to  have  made  you  a  woman  than  a  man?" 

A  perfect  hand,  with  tapering  fingers,  and  pink,  filbert-shaped  nails,  is  a 
mark  of  beauty.  To  preserve  their  beauty  they  should  be  dried  thoroughly 
after  washing,  and  rubbed  briskly  for  some  time  afterward.  Otherwise,  in 
cold  weather  particularly,  they  are  likely  to  roughen  and  crack.  To  cure 
this,  rub  with  honey,  or  with  cold  cream,  at  night.  In  winter,  a  washing  in 
soap  and  snow  will  cure  the  worse  case  of  chapped  hands.  Washing  the 
hands  lightly  is  not  sufficient  for  cleanliness,  but  thorough  soaping  and 
scrubbing  with  a  soft  nail-brush  is  required.  In  cold  weather  the  hands 
should  be  plunged  in  cold  water  after  washing  in  warm,  and  afterwards  dried 
on  a  soft  towel.  Washing  in  milk  and  water  makes  the  skin  white  and  deli- 
cate; or  at  night  anoint  in  palm  oil  and  put  on  woolen  gloves;  wash 
thoroughly  in  soap  and  tepid  water  the  next  morning.  Frequent  rubbing 
promotes  circulation,  which  is  the  secret  of  a  healthy  skin  and  beautiful 
complexion. 

For  tan  or  sunburn  wash  in  lime-water  or  lemon-juice.  Warts — which 
are  always  unsightly — may  be  removed  by  touching  with  the  end  of  a  stick 
of  lunar  caustic,  which  may  be  had  with  directions  for  use  of  any  druggist, 
or  an  application  of  acetic  acid  once  a  day  to  the  top  will  remove  it.  To 
avoid  injury  to  the  surrounding  skin,  it  may  be  covered  with  wax.  Nails 
must  be  kept  scrupulously  clean.  To  bite  them  is  to  disfigure  them  and  make 
them  difficult  to  clean.  They  should  never  be  scraped,  as'it  tends  to  thicken 
them.  They  should  not  be  cut  oftener  than  once  a  week,  and  then  after 
washing,  as  the  nail  is  then  softer.  They  should  be  neatly  cut  and  nicely 
rounded  at  the  corners.  If  the  skin  adheres  and  grows  up  on  the.nail,  it 


374  THE  TOILET. 

should  be  pressed  back  with  the  towel  after  washing.  A  small  hand  is  not 
necessarily  the  most  beautiful.  The  more  exquisite  the  proportions  the 
greater  the  degree  of  beauty.  The  hand  that  remains  small  and  delicate, 
because  it  has  never  done  anything  useful,  is  the  homeliest  of  hands.  Those 
who  have  moist  hands  need  to  take  more  out-door  exercise,  more  baths, 
nutritious  food,  and  few  stimulants.  Starch  powder  and  the  juice  of  a 
lemon  may  be  used  as  a  local  remedy.  Gloves  for  garden  and  out-door 
work  and  for  other  rough  work  are  a  comfort  and  should  be  worn.  When 
hands  are  roughened  by  soap,  vinegar  or  lemon-juice  will  soften  them. 

The  bondage  of  shoes  makes  nearly  all  feet  malformations  and  deformi- 
ties. There  is  no  beauty  in  the  foot  itself,  even  if  the  enclosing  shoe  is  well- 
shapen.  Besides,  the  feet  are  often  neglected,  even  by  those  who  profess  to 
be  neat  in  their  habits.  The  remark  of  the  French  lady  who  said,  "How  is 
it  that  we  are  always  washing  our  hands,  while  we  never  wash  our  feet?" 
is  often  too  near  the  truth.  The  daily  bath  for  the  feet  is  essential  to  neat- 
ness. Moist  or  damp  feet  require  more  frequent  washing,  often  twice  or 
three  times  a  day,  with  soap  and  water.  When  this  and  a  frequent  change 
of  hosiery  does  not  effect  a  cure,  a  wash  made  of  a  pint  of  water  and  three 
tablespoonfuls  of  concentrated  solution  of  chloride  of  soda  may  be  used  with 
advantage. 

After  getting  the  feet  wet  in  walking,  a  tepid  followed  by  a  cold  bath  and 
a  brisk  rubbing  is  not  only  agreeable,  but  wards  off  a  cold.  The  evapora- 
tion of  the  dampness  from  the  coverings  of  the  feet  produces  chilliness 
which  is  fruitful  of  colds  and  illness  of  all  kinds,  which  are  often  charged 
upon  the  innocent  stomach. 

To  avoid  the  whole  catalogue  of  miseries  that  afflict  those  who  have 
corns  and  bunions  and  like  ills,  wear  shoes  that  fit  neither  too  large  nor  too 
small.  The  nails  of  the  toes  should  be  cut  square  to  prevent  growing  in  at 
the  sides,  and  should  be  kept  of  a  moderate  length.  On  removal  of  the 
cause,  corns,  bunions,  etc.,  will  usually  gradually  disappear.  The  causes 
are  undue  pressure  and  friction.  To  prevent  them  it  is  well  and  just  as  eco- 
nomical to  have  two  or  more  pairs  of  shoes,  and  wear  a  different  pair  every 
day.  This  makes  it  certain  that  the  point  unduly  pressed  upon  one  day 
will  find  relief  the  next. 

The  fault  of  modern  shoes  is  that  the  soles  are  too  narrow,  and  the  heels 


THE  TOILET.  375 

too  high  and  pointed.  A  broad  sole  and  a  broad,  low  heel,  most  nearly 
imitate  the  sole  of  the  foot,  and  hence,  most  nearly  furnish  the  natural 
support. 

The  following  recipes  have  been  carefully  selected  from  trustworthy 
sources,  and  will  be  found  valuable: 

How  Ladies  can  Make  their  own  Perfumes. — If  we  spread  fresh,  unsalted 
butter  upon  the  inside  of  two  dessert-plates,  and  then  fill  one  of  the  plates 
with  gathered  fragrant  blossoms  of  clematis,  covering  them  over  with  the 
second  greased  plate,  we  shall  find  that  after  twenty-four  hours  the  grease 
has  become  fragrant.  The  blossoms,  though  separated  from  the  parent  stem, 
do  not  die  for  some  time,  but  live  to  exhale  odor,  which  is  absorbed  by  the 
fat.  To  remove  the  odor  from  the  fat  the  fat  must  be  scraped  off  the  plates 
and  put  into  alcohol ;  the  odor  then  leaves  the  grease  and  enters  into  the 
spirit,  which  thus  becomes  "scent,"  and  the  grease  again  becomes  colorless. 
The  flower  farmers  of  the  Var  follow  precisely  thjs  method  on  a  very  large 
scale,  making  but  a  little  practical  variation,  with  the  following  flowers: 
rose,  orange,  acacia,  violet,  jasmine,  tube  rose  and  jonquil. 

Tincture  of  Roses. — Take  the  leaves,  of  the  common  rose  (centifolia)  and 
place,  without  pressing  them,  in  a  common  bottle ;  pour  some  good  spirits  of 
wine  upon  them,  close  the  bottle,  and  let  it  stand  till  required  for  use.  This 
tincture  will  keep  for  years,  and  yield  a  perfume  little  inferior  to  attar  of 
roses;  a  few  drops  of  it  will  suffice  to  impregnate  the  atmosphere  of  a  room 
with  a  delicate  odor.  Common  vinegar  is  greatly  improved  by  a  very  small 
quantity  being  added  to  it. 

Pot  Pourri. — Take  three  handfuls  of  orange  flowers,  three  of  cloves,  car- 
nations, or  pinks,  three  of  damask  roses,  one  of  marjoram,  one  of  lemon 
thyme,  six  bay  leaves,  a  handful  of  rosemary,  one  of  myrtle,  half  a  handful 
of  mint,  one  of  lavender,  the  rind  of  a  lemon,  and  a  quarter  of  an  ounce  of 
clover.  Chop  these  all  up,  and  place  them  in  layers,  with  bay  salt  between 
the  layers  until  the  jar  is  full.  Do  not  forget  to  throw  in  the  bay  salt  with 
each  new  ingredient  put  in,  should  it  not  be  convenient  to  procure  at  once 
all  the  required  articles.  The  perfume  is  very  fine. 

Warts. — Wash  with  water  saturated  with  common  washing  soda,  and 
let  dry  without  wiping;  repeat  frequently  until  they  disappear.  Or  pass  a 
pin  through  the  wart  and  hold  one  end  of  it  over  the  flame  of  a  candle  or 
lamp  until  the  wart  fires  by  the  heat,  and  it  will  disappear. 

Flesh  Worms. — Black  specks  on  the  nose  disfigure  the  face.  Remove  by 
washing  thoroughly  in  tepid  water,  rubbing  with  a  towel,  and  applying  with 
a  soft  flannel  a  lotion  made  of  three  ounces  of  cologne  and  a  half  ounce  of 
liquor  of  potash. 


376  THE  TOILET. 

Stains  on  the  Hands. — From  nitrate  of  silver  may  be  removed  by  a  solu- 
tion of  chloride  of  lime.  Fruit  stains  are  removed  by  washing  the  hands 
without  soap,  and  holding  them  over  the  smoke  of  burning  matches  or 
sulphur. 

Boston  Burnett  Powder  for  the  Face. — Five  cents  worth  of  bay  rum, 
five  cents  worth  of  magnesia  snow-flake,  five  cents  worth  of  bergamot,  five 
cents  worth  of  oil  of  lemon ;  mix  in  a  pint  bottle  and  fill  up  with  rain-water ; 
perfectly  harmless  and  splendid. 

Wrinkles. — Melt  white  wax  one  ounce  to  a  gentle  heat,  and  add  juice  of 
lilly-bulbs  two  ounces  and  honey  two  ounces,  rose  water  two  drachms  and 
attar  of  roses  a  drop  or  two.  Use  twice  a  day.  Use  tepid  water  instead  of 
cold  in  ablutions.  Put  powder  of  best  myrrh  upon  an  iron  plate  sufficiently 
heated  to  melt  the  gum  gently,  and  when  it  liquifies  cover  over  your  head 
with  a  napkin  and  hold  your  face  over  the  myrrh  at  a  proper  distance  to 
receive  the  fumes  without  inconvenience.  Do  not  use  it  if  it  causes  head- 
ache. 

Discoloration  of  the  Skin. — Elder  ointment  one  ounce,  sulphate  of  zinc 
twenty  grains ;  mix  well  and  rub  into  the  affected  skin  at  night.  In  the 
morning  wash  off  with  plenty  of  soap,  and  when  the  grease  is  completely 
removed  apply  the  friction  lotion :  Infusion  of  rose-petals  half  a  pint,  citric 
acid  thirty  grains.  All  local  discolorations  will  disappear  under  this  treat- 
ment, and  if  freckles  do  not  entirely  yield,  they  will  in  most  instances  be 
greatly  ameliorated.  Should  any  unpleasant,  irritation  or  roughness  of  the 
skin  follow  the  application,  a  lotion  composed  of  half  a  pint  of  almond  mix- 
ture and  half  a  drachm  of  Goulard's  extract  will  afford  immediate  relief. 

Sunburn. — Milk  of  almonds,  obtained  at  the  druggist's,  is  as  good  a  rem- 
edy as  any  to  use. 

Chilblains. — Rub  with  alum  and  water.  Put  the  hands  and  feet  two  or 
three  times  a  week  into  warm  water,  in  which  two  or  three  handfuls  of 
common  salt  have  been  dissolved.  Rub  with  a  raw  onion  dipped  in  salt. 
When  indications  of  chilblains  first  present  themselves,  take  vinegar  three 
ounces,  camphorated  spirits  of  wine  one  ounce;  mix  and  rub. 

Bandoline — Is  prepared  in  several  ways.  It  may  be  made  of  Iceland 
moss,  a  quarter  of  "an  ounce  boiled  in  a  quart  of  water,  and  a  little  rectified 
spirits  added,  so  that  it  may  keep.  Simmer  an  ounce  of  quince  seed  in  a 
quart  of  water  for  forty  minutes ;  strain,  cool,  add  a  few  drops  of  scent,  bot- 
tle, corking  tightly.  Take  of  gum  tragacanth  one  and  a  half  drachms, 
water  half  a  pint,  rectified  spirits  mixed  with  an  equal  quantity  of  water 
three  ounces,  and  a  little  scent.  Let  the  mixture  stand  for  a  day  or  two, 
then  strain. 

Rose  Water. — Half  an  ounce  powdered  white  sugar  and  two  drachms  of 
magnesia ;  with  these  mix  twelve  drops  of  attar  of  roses.  Add  a  quart  of 


THE  TOILET.  377 

water  and  two  ounces  of  alcohol,  mixed  in  a  gradual  manner,  and  filter 
through  blotting  paper. 

Lip-salve — May  be  made  by  melting  in  a  jar  placed  in  a  basin  of  boiling 
water  a  quarter  of  an  ounce  each  of  white  wax  and  spermaceti,  flour  of  ben- 
zoin fifteen  grains,  and  half  an  ounce  of  oil  of  almonds.  Stir  till  the  mixture 
is  cool.  Color  red  with  a  little  alkanet  root. 

Mask  of  Beauty. — The  whites  of  four  eggs  boiled  in  rose-water,  half  an 
ounce  of  alum,  half  an  ounce  of  oil  of  sweet  almonds;  beat  the  whole 
together  until  it  assumes  the  consistency  of  paste.  Spread  upon  a  silk  or 
muslin  mask,  to  be  worn  at  night.  Avoid  the  masks  advertised,  the  prepa- 
ration of  which  is  a  secret.  They  may  be  very  injurious. 

For  Rough  Skin. — Take  equal  parts  of  the  seed  of  the  melon,  pumpkin, 
gourd  and  cucumber,  pounded  until  they  are  reduced  to  powder;  add  to  it 
sufficient  fresh  cream  to  dilute  the  flour  and  then  add  milk  enough  to  reduce 
the  whole  to  a  thin  paste.  Add  a  grain  of  musk  and  a  few  drops  of  the  oil  of 
lemon.  Anoint  the  face  with  this;  leave  it  on  twenty  or  thirty  minutes,  or 
over  night  if  convenient,  and  wash  off"  with  warm  water.  It  gives  a  remark- 
able purity  and  brightness  to  the  complexion. 

To  Remove  Tan.—^ew  milk  half  a  pint,  lemon  juice  one-fourth  of  an 
ounce,  white  brandy  half  an  ounce.  Boil  the  whole  and  skim  clear  from 
skum.  Use  night  and  morning. 

Chapped  Lips. — Oil  of  roses  four  ounces,  white  wax  one  ounce,  sperma- 
ceti one-half  an  ounce.  Melt  in  a  glass  vessel  and  stir  with  a  wooden  spoon. 
Pour  into  a  glass  or  china  cup. 

Remedy  for  Black  Teeth. — Take  equal  parts  of  cream  of  tartar  and  salt, 
pulverize  it  and  mix  it  well.  Then  wash  your  teeth  in  the  morning  and 
rub  them  with  the  powder. 

To  Clean  the  Teeth  and  Gums. — Take  one  ounce  of  myrrh  in  fine  powder, 
two  table  spoonfuls  of  honey,  and  a  little  green  sage  in  very  fine  powder. 
Mix  them  well  together,  and  wet  the  teeth  and  gums  with  a  little  every 
night  and  morning. 

Ox-marrow  Pomatum. — Take  two  ounces  of  yellow  wax  and  twelve 
ounces  of  beef  marrow.  Melt  all  together,  and  when  sufficiently  cool  per- 
fume it  with  essential  oil  of  almonds. 

To  Remove  a  Tight  Ring.— When  a  ring  happens  to  get  tightly  fixed  on 
the  finger,  as  it  will  sometimes  do,  a  piece  of  common  twine  should  be  well 
soaped,  and  then  be  wound  around  the  finger  as  tightly  as  possible  or  as  can 
be  borne.  The  twine  should  commence  at  the  point  of  the  finger  and  be 
continued  till  the  ring  is  reached  ;  the  end  of  the  twine  must  then  be  forced 
through  the  ring  with  the  head  of  a  needle  or  anything  else  that  may  be  at 
hand.  If  the  string  is  then  unwound,  the  ring  is  almost  sure  to  come  off 
the  finger  with  it. 


378  THE  TOILET. 

To  Loosen  Stoppers  of  Toilet  Bottles. — Let  a  drop  of  pure  oil  flow  around 
the  stopper,  and  stand  the  bottle  a  foot  or  two  from  the  fire.  After  a  time 
tap  the  stopper  smartly,  but  not  too  hard,  with  the  handle  of  a  hair  brush; 
if  this  is  not  effectual,  use  a  fresh  drop  of  oil  and  repeat  the  process.  It  is 
pretty  sure  to  succeed. 

Cleaning  Jejvelry. — Gold  ornaments  are  best  kept  bright  and  clean  with 
soap  and  warm  water,  with  which  they  should  be  scrubbed,  a  soft  nail-brush 
being  used  for  the  purpose.  They  may  be  dried  in  box  sawdust,  in  a  bed  of 
which  it  is  desirable  to  let  them  lie  before  the  fire  for  a  time.  Immitation 
jewelry  may  be  treated  in  the  same  way. 

How  to  Darken  Faded  False  Hair. — The  switches,  curls  and  frizzes 
which  fashion  demands  should  be  worn  will  fade  in  course  of  time ;  and 
though  they  match  the  natural  hair  perfectly  at  first,  they  will  finally  pre- 
sent a  lighter  tint.  If  the  hair  is  brown  this  can  be  remedied.  Obtain  a 
yard  of  dark  brown  calico.  Boil  it  until  the  color  has  well  come  out  into 
the  water.  Then  into  this  water  dip  the  hair,  and  take  it  out  and  dry  it. 
Repeat  the  operation  until  it  shall  be  of  the  required  depth  of  shade. 

To  Keep  Hair  in  Curl. — Take  a  few  quince  seeds,  boil  them  in  \vater, 
and  add  perfumery  if  you  like;  wet  the  hair  in  this,  and  it  will  keep  in  curl 
longer  than  from  the  use  of  any  other  preparation.  It  is  also  good  to  keep 
the  hair  in  place  on  the  forehead  in  going  out  in  the  wind. 

Cold  Cream. — One  ounce  of  white  wax,  one  ounce  of  spermaceti,  one 
ounce  of  mutton  tallow  (free  from  kidney  fat),  two  ounces  almond  oil  (sweet 
almond),  twelve  drops  attar  of  roses;  mix  all  slowly  together  in  an  earthen 
vessel ;  pour  into  a  soup-plate  or  bowl,  and  beat  with  a  silver  fork  until  per- 
fectly white  and  light;  then,  while  it  is  still  wrarm,  put  in  small  earthen 
pots,  and  cover. 

Soft  Pomatum. — One  and  a  half  ounces  of  almond-oil,  two  ounces  of 
castor  oil,  three  drachms  of  beeswax,  twenty  drops  of  oil  of  lavender,  forty 
drops  of  oil  of  burgundy ;  melt  slowly  together  the  almond  and  the  castor 
oil  with  the  beeswax,  and  stir  until  cool ;  then  add  the  oil  of  burgundy  and 
lavender;  mix  them  all  well  together;  put  in  small  jars,  cover  closely. 

To  Remove  Tar  from  the  Hands  or  Clothing. — Rub  well  with  clean  lard, 
and  afterward  wash  with  soap  and  warm,  water. 

To  Remove  Discoloration  from  Bruising. — Apply  a  cloth  wrung  out  of 
very  hot  water,  and  renew  frequently  until  the  pain  ceases ;  or  apply  butter. 

To  Cleanse  the  Hair. — Beat  up  the  yolk  of  an  egg  with  a  pint  of  soft 
water ;  apply  it  warm ;  rub  well,  and  afterward  rinse  with  clean  soft  water. 

Camphor  Ice. — One  ounce  white  wax,  two  of  spermaceti,  and  one  of  gum 
camphor,  well  pulverized.  Put  all  in  a  tin  cup,  and  nearly  cover  with  olive 
oil ;  put  it  on  the  stove,  and  let  it  simmer  for  fifteen  minutes,  but  not  boil. 

To  Beautify  Teeth. — Dissolve  two  ounces  of  borax  in  three  pints  of  boil- 


THE  TOILET.  379 

ing  water,  and  before  it  is  cold  add  one  teaspoon  of  spirits  of  camphor ;  bot- 
tle it  for  use.    A  teaspoon  of  this  with  an  equal  quantity  of  tepid  water. 

To  Clean  Hair-Brushes. — Put  a  tablespoon  of  hartshorn  into  the  water, 
having  it  only  tepid,  and  dip  up  and  down  until  clean ;  then  dry  with  the 
brushes  down,  and  they1  will  be  like  the  new  ones.  If  you  do  not  have 
ammonia,  use  soda ;  a  teaspoon  dissolved  in  the  water  will  do  very  well. 

Putting  away  Furs  for  the  Summer. — When  you  are  ready  to  put  away 
furs  and  woolens,  and  want  to  guard  against  the  depredations  of  moths, 
pack  them  securely  in  paper  flour-sacks  and  tie  them  up  well.  This  is  bet- 
ter than  camphor,  or  tobacco,  or  snuff,  seal  cred  among  them  in  chests  and 
drawers.  Before  putting  your  muffs  away  for  the  summer,  twirl  them  by 
cords  at  the  ends,  so  that  every  hair  will  straighten.  Put  them  in  their 
boxes  and  paste  a  strip  of  paper  where  the  lid  fits  on. 

Remedy  for  Burned  Kid  or  Leather  Shoes. — If  a  lady  has  had  the  mis- 
fortune to  put  her  shoes  or  slippers  too  near  the  stove,  and  thus  got  them 
burned,  she  can  make  them  nearly  as  good  as  ever  by  spreading  soft  soap 
upon  them  while  they  are  still  hot,  and  then,  when  they  are  cold,  washing 
it  off.  It  softens  the  leather  and  prevents  it  drawing  up. 

To  Choose  Good  Black  Silk — Pull  out  a  thread  of  the  filling  and  see  if  it 
is  strong.  If  it  stands  the  test,  then  rub  one  corner  of  the  silk  in  the  hands 
as  though  washing  it.  After  this  operation,  if  it  be  good  silk,  it  will  upon 
being  brushed  out  look  as  smooth  as  ever.  If  on  holding  it  up  to  the  light 
and  looking  through  it,  you  see  no  traces  of  the  rubbing,  be  sure  the  silk  is 
good.  The  warp  and  filling  should  not  differ  much  in  size,  or  it  will  not 
wear  well.  If  you  choose  a  figured  silk,  let  the  figure  be  small  and  well- 
woven  in,  else  it  will  soon  present  a  frayed  appearance,  and  you  will  have  to 
pick  off  the  little  tags  of  silk  that  will  dot  the  breadth. 

To  Take  Stains  out  of  Silk. — Mix  together  in  a  vial  two  ounces  of  essence 
of  lemon  and  one  ounce  of  oil  of  turpentine.  Grease  and  other  spots  in  silk 
must  be  rubbed  gently  with  a  linen  rag  dipped  in  the  above  composition. 

To  Remove  Acid-Stains  from  Silk. — Apply  spirits  of  hartshorn  with  a 
soft  rag. 

To  Take  Ink-Spots  from  Linen. — Take  a  piece  of  mould  candle  of  the  fin- 
est kind,  melt  it,  and  dip  the  spotted  part  of  the  linen  in  the  melted  tallow. 
Then  throw  the  linen  into  the  wash. 

To  Clean  Kid  Boots. — Mix  a  little  white  of  egg  and  ink  in  a  bottle  so  that 
the  composition  may  be  well  shaken  up  when  required  for  use.  Apply  to 
the  boot  with  a  piece  of  sponge  and  rub  dry.  The  best  thing  to  rub  with  is 
the  palm  of  the  hand.  When  the  boot  shows  symptoms  of  cracking,  rub  in 
a  few  drops  of  sweet  oil.  The  soles  and  heels  should  be  polished  with  com- 
mon blacking. 

To  Clean  Kid  Gloves  Thoroughly. — Put  them  on  and  wash  them*  as  if 


380  THE  TOILET. 

you  were  washing  your  hands,  in  a  basin  of  turpentine.  Har»g  them  up  in 
a  warm  place,  or  where  there  is  a  good  current  of  air,  which  will  carry  off 
the  smell  of  the  turpentine.  This  method  was  brought  over  from  Paris, 
and  thousands  of  dollars  have  been  made  by  it. 

The  Best  Glove  Cleaner. — Mix  one-fourth  ounce  carbonate  of  ammonia, 
one-fourth  ounce  of  fluid  chloroform,  one-fourth  ounce  sulphuric  ether,  one 
quart  distilled  benzine.  Pour  out  a  small  quantity  in  a  saucer,  put  on 
gloves,  and  wash  as  if  washing  the  hands,  changing  the  solution  until 
gloves  are  clean;  take  off,  squeeze  them,  replace  on  hands  and  with  a  clean 
cloth  rub  fingers,  etc.,  until  they  are  perfectly  fitted  to  the  hand.  The 
cleaner  is  also  an  excellent  clothes,  ribbon  and  silk  cleaner ;  is  perfectly 
harmless  to  the  most  delicate  tints.  Apply  with  a  soft  sponge,  rubbing 
gently  until  spots  disappear;  care  must  be  taken  not  to  use  it  near  fire,  as  the 
benzine  is  very  inflammable. 

To  Wash  Valenciennes  Lace. — Wash  as  you  would  any  fine  fabrics. 
The  making  it  "look  like  new"  is  in  the  clear  starching.  Make  your 
starch  by  boiling  thick,  blue  a  little,  then  rub  it  in  your  lace  thoroughly; 
patiently  sit  down  to'  it,  taking  it  in  your  lap  on  a  clean  towel ;  clap  it 
between  your  hands  until  it  is  completely  saturated'  with  the  starch,  pull, 
pick  and  straighten  every  scallop  and  thread,  working  upon  it  till  it  is  in  per- 
fect shape  and  quite  dry ;  then  iron  on  wrong  side.  The  time  and  pains  you 
spend  on  it  fully  repays  you  by  its  looking  as  "  good  as  new." 

Washing  Silk  Handkerchiefs. — To  wash  a  white  silk  handkerchief  so 
that  it  will  not  be  stiff,  make  suds  of  tepid  water  and  plain  white  soap,  add- 
ing a  teaspoonful  of  magical  mixture,  and  lay  the  handkerchief  to  soak 
twenty  minutes,  covering  it  up  so  that  it  will  steam ;  then  wash  with  the 
hands  and  rinse,  putting  a  little  bluing  in  the  water,  Which  should  be  a  little 
warm.  Pure  white  castile  soap  is  a  little  expensive  for  \vashing  fabrics,  but 
its  purity  preserves  the  color  of  silk  handkerchiefs,  ribbons,  etc.,  wonder- 
fully. We  have  seen  a  fine  damask  white  silk  neckerchief,  with  deep  blue 
border,  washed  in  clear  water  in  which  castile  soap  was  lathered,  and  few 
people  could  discover  any  difference  between  the  laundried  kerchief  and  a 
perfectly  new  one.  In  this  case  the  kerchief  was  snapped  between  the 
fingers  until  nearly  dry,  shaped,  folded  and  pressed  under  a  weight — not 
ironed. 

To  Wash  a  Silk  Dress. — To  wash  a  silk  dress  with  gall  soap,  rip  apart 
and  shake  off  the  dust;  have  ready  two  tubs  warm  soft  water,  make  a  suds 
of  the  soap  in  one  tub  and  use  the  other  for  rinsing;  wash  the  rilk,  one  piece 
at  a  time,  in  the  suds,  wring  gently,  rinse,  again  wring,  shake  out,  and  iron 
with  a  hot  iron  on  what  you  intend  to  be  the  wrong  side.  Thus  proceed  with 
each  piece,  and  when  about  half  done  throw  out  the  suds  and  make  suds  of 
the  rinsing  water,  using  fresh  water  for  rinsing. 


THE  TOILET.  381 

Wearing  Kid  Gloves. — Their  durability  depends  on  how  they  are  put  on 
the  first  time.  If  you  want  a  glove  to  fit,  buy  it  leisurely  and  with  judg- 
ment, and  put  it  on  slowly,  taking  care  to  fit  every  part.  It  is  better  not  to 
use  a  stretcher.  The  expansion  should  be  made  by  the  hands  so  as  to  secure 
perfect  fit  at  every  point.  Gloves  of  the  proper  size  need  no  stretcher. 
Choose  gloves  the  fingers  of  which  correspond  with  your  own  in  length,  work 
in  the  fingers  first,  then  the  thumb,  and  finally  smooth  them  down  until 
they  fit  perfectly  in  every  part.  A  glove  that  fits  well  generally  wears  well. 
If  the  ends  do  not  come  down  well,  or  if  they  are  so  long  as  to  wrinkle,  they 
will  chafe  out  easily.  When  the  fingers  are  so  small  as  to  need  a  stretcher 
the  body  of  the  glove  is  strained  out  in  drawing  over  the  hand. 

To  Clean  Black  Lace  Veils. — These  are  cleaned  by  passing  them  through 
a  warm  liquor  of  ox  gall  and  water,  after  which  they  must  be  rinsed  in  cold 
water,  then  filled  as  follows :  Take  a  small  piece  of  glue  about  the  size  of  a 
bean,  pour  boiling  water  upon  it,  which  will  dissolve  it,  and  when  dissolved 
pass  the  veil  through  it,  then  clap  it  between  your  hands  and  frame  it  or  pin 
it  out,  taking  care  to  keep  the  edge  straight  and  even. 

To  Renovate  Black  Silk. — Sponge  it  with  clear,  strong  cold  tea,  shake  it 
out  and  hang  it  up  to  dry,  or  iron  it  while  damp.  Another  way  is,  rip  out 
the  seams,  rub  it  with  a  piece  of  crape,  then  put  it  in  cold  water  twenty-four 
hours,  iron  it  with  a  hot  iron  on  the  wrong  side ;  be  careful  not  to  wring  the 
silk. 

To  Take  Ink  Out  of  Linen. — Dip  the  portion  that  is  stained  in  pure 
melted  tallow ;  then  wash  out  the  tallow  and  the  ink  will  come  out  with  it. 
Lemon  juice  or  any  acid  will  generally  take  out  any  stain.  Or  dip  the  part 
stained  in  cold  water,  fill  a  basin  with  boiling  water,  place  a  pewter  plate  on 
the  top,  lay  the  muslin  on  the  plate,  put  salts  of  lemon  or  tartaric  acid  on 
the  ink  spot,  rubbing  it  with  the  bowl  of  a  spoon,  and  the  spots  will  disap- 
pear. 

To  Wash  Lace  Ruchings. — Wash  in  the  hands  with,  warm  suds  (if  much 
soiled  soak  in  warm  water  two  or  three  hours),  rinse  thoroughly  and  starch 
in  thick  starch ;  dry  out-doors  if  the  day  be  clear,  if  not  place  between  dry 
cloth,  roll  tightly  and  put  away  till  dry ;  then  with  the  fingers  open  each 
row  and  pull  out  smoothly  (have  a  cup  of  clean  water  in  which  to  dip  the 
fingers  or  dampen  the  lace),  then  pull  out  straight  the  outer  edge  of  each 
with  the  thumb  and  finger  and  draw  the  binding  over  the  point  or  side  of  a 
hot  iron.  If  the  ruche  is  single  or  only  two  rows,  it  can  be  ironed  after  being 
smoothed  (the  first  process).  Blonde  or  net  that  has  become  yellow  can  be 
bleached  by  hanging  in  the  sun  or  lying  out  over  night  in  the  dew. 

To  Wash  Thread  Lace. — Cover  a  bottle  with  white  flannel,  baste  the 
lace  carefully  on  the  flannel  and  rub  with  white  soap ;  place  the  bottle  in  a 
jar  filled  with  warm  suds,  let  it  remain  two  or  three  days,  changing  the 


382  THE  TOILET. 

water  several  times,  and  boil  with  the  finest  white  clothes  on  washing  day; 
when  cooled  a  little  rinse  several  times  in  plenty  of  cold  water,  wrap  a  soft, 
dry  towel  around  it  and  place  in  the  sun;  when  dry,  unwind,  but  do  not 
starch. 

To  Press  Satin. — To  press  and  clean  black  silk,  shake  out  all  the  dust, 
clean  well  with  a  flannel  cloth,  rubbing  it  up  and  down  over  the  silk;  this 
takes  out  all  dust  that  may  be  left ;  take  some  good  lager  beer  and  sponge 
the  silk,  both  on  the  wrong  and  right  side,  sponging  across  the  width  of  the 
silk  and  not  down  the  length,  and  with  a  moderately  warm  iron,  press  what 
is  intended  for  the  wrong  side.  After  sponging,  it  is  better  to  wait  a  few 
minutes  before  pressing,  as  the  iron  will  not  be  so  apt  to  stick. 

For  Washing  Silk. — Mix  together  one  tablespoonful  of  molasses,  two 
tablespoonfuls  of  soft  soap,  and  three  of  alcohol ;  add  this  to  one  pint  of  hot 
rain  water;  lay  your  silk  on  a  bare  table  and  rub  on  the  mixture  with  a 
small  clothes  brush.  Have  ready  a  tub  of  luke-warm  rain  water ;  dissolve 
five  cents'  worth  of  white  glue  and  put  in  the  tub  of  water.  As  you  clean 
each  piece  of  silk  throw  it  in  the  water  and  let  it  lie  until  you  have  finished ; 
then  dip  each  piece  up  and  down  in  the  water,  but  do  not  wring  it.  Hang 
it  up  to  dry  by  the  edges,  and  iron  it  before  it  is  quite  dry. 

For  Cleaning  Silk. — Pare  and  slice  three  potatoes  (very  thin) ;  pour  on 
one-half  pint  of  water  and  add  an  equal  quantity  of  alcohol.  Sponge  the 
silk  on  the  right  side,  and,  when  half  dry,  iron  on  the  wrong  side. 

For  Renovating  Silk. — Take  an  old  kid  glove,  dark-colored,  if  the  silk  is 
dark;  light,  if  the  silk  is  light.  Tear  it  in  pieces,  put  in  a  tin  cup  and  cover 
with  water.  Set  it  on  the  stove  and  let  it  simmer  until  the  kid  can  be  pulled 
into  shreds.  Take  a  cloth  or  sponge,  dip  it  in  this  water,  rub  it  over  the  silk, 
and  iron  immediately.  This  process  will  cleanse  and  stiffen  -old  silk  and 
give  it  the  appearance  of  new. 

To  Clean  Black  Dresses. — Two  tablespoonfuls  of  ammonia  to  one-half 
gallon  of  water.  Take  a  piece  of  black  cloth  and  sponge  off  with  the  prepa- 
ration and  afterward  with  clean  water. 

For  Cleaning  Alpaca. — Put  the  goods  into  a  boiler  half  full  of  cold  rain 
water;  let  it  boil  for  three  minutes.  Have  ready  a  pail  of  indigo  (very  dark 
with  indigo),  and  wring  the  goods  out  of  the  boiling  water  and  place  in  the 
indigo  water.  Let  remain  for  one-half  hour,  then  wring  out  and  iron  while 
damp. 

To  Remove  Ink  Stains. — While  an  ink  spot  is  fresh,  take  warm  milk  and 
saturate  the  stain ;  let  stand  a  few  hours,  then  apply  more  fresh  milk,  rub  the 
spot  well  and  it  will  soon  disappear.  If  the  ink  has  become  dry  use  salt  and 
vinegar  or  salts  of  lemon. 

To  Extract  Ink. — To  extract  ink  from  cotton,  silk  and  woolen  goods, 
saturate  the  spot  with  spirits  of  turpentine  and  let  it  remain  several  hours ; 


THE  TOILET.  383 

then  rub  it  between  the  hands.     It  will  crumble  away  without  injuring 
either  the  color  or  texture  of  the  article. 

Simple  Garden  Perfumes — Are  charming  when  put  away  in  drawers. 
To  handkerchiefs  the  perfume  is  more  delicate  and  much  more  desirable  than 
the  stronger  odors  so  freely  used.  Always  preserve  the  trimmings  of  rose 
geraniums  in  envelopes  for  such  purposes,  and  lay  in  plenty  of  sweet  clover 
when  in  blossom. 

Tonic  for  the  Hair. — Ounce  best  castor  oil,  two  ounces  each  French  brandy 
and  bay  rum ;  scent  with  rose  geranium. 

Cold  Cream  for  Chapped  Lips. — Ten  drops  carbolic  acid  in  one  ounce 
glycerine ;  apply  freely  at  night.  Pure  mutton  tallow  is  also  excellent. 

Cologne  Water. — One  quart  alcohol,  three  drachms  oil  lavender,  one 
drachm  oil  rosemary,  three  drachms  oil  bergamot,  three  drachms  essence 
lemon,  three  drops  oil  cinnamon. 

Complexion  Wash. — Add  one  ounce  of  powdered  gum  of  benzoin  to  a  pint 
of  whisky ;  add  to  water  in  washing  until  it  becomes  milky,  and  wash  hands 
and  face,  allowing  it  to  dry  without  wiping.  This  is  perfectly  harmless. 
\(A  Clear  Complexion. — Once  or  twice  a  week  take  warm  water  and  a 
nttle  castile  soap  and,  with  a  soft  flannel,  rub  it  carefully  on  every  part  of 
the  face,  then  as  carefully  off  with  clean  water ;  and  every  morning  use  the 
same  flannel — not  with  one  hasty  flourish,  but  with  gentle  rubbing  for  a 
minute  or  two — it  will  cause  great  improvement  in  the  clearness  of  the  com- 
plexion very  soon. 

Hair  removed  by  fevers  and  other  sickness  is  made  to  grow  by  washing 
the  scalp  with  a  strong  decoction  of  sage  leaves  twice  a  day. 

To  Prevent  the  Hair  from  Turning  Gray  or  Falling. — Keep  the  head  cool 
by  using  occasionally  sage  tea  with  a  little  borax  added.  With  a  small 
sponge  apply  to  every  part  of  the  head  just  before  or  at  the  time  of  dressing 
the  hair. 

Preparation  for  the  Hair. — A  preparation  vfor  the  hair  which  renders  it 
soft  and  gives  it  a  vigorous  growth  is  made  of  one  part  glycerine  to  three 
parts  arnica.  Arnica  may  be  purchased  prepared  at  any  drug  store,  or  may 
be  more  cheaply  made  by  adding  ten  cents'  worth  of  arnica  flowers  to  a  pint 
of  alcohol  to  which  has  been  added  one  pint  of  soft  water. 

To  Prevent  the  Hair  from  Falling.— Pour  a  wine  glassful  of  dry  table  salt 
upon  a  sheet  of  paper.  While  the  hair  is  dry  dip  a  metallic  hair  brush  or 
stiff  bristle  brush  into  the  salt,  rubbing  it  into  the  roots  of  the  hair.  Apply 
every  day  until  the  hair  ceases  to  fall,  then  discontinue.  Alum  water  will 
check  the  fall  of  hair  that  has  become  saturated  and  drowned  with  the  use 
of  oils,  acting  as  an  astringent.  A  strong  decoction  of  the  herb  "  bonset "  is 
a  good  tonic  for  the  hair. 

To  Cure  a  Burn  Without  Leaving  a  Scar.— Mix  beeswax  and  linseed  oil 


384  THE  TOILET. 

together  to  a  salve;  put  on  the  burn  thick:  let  it  remain  till  it  comes  off  in 
a  shell  of  its  own  accord. 

Rough  or  Chapped  Hands. — Mix  Indian  meal  and  vinegar  together 
thick,  rub  the  hands  long  and  well;  dry  near  the  fire  without  washing. 
When  dry,  rub  with  glycerine. 

The  Bight  Way  to  Use  Glycerine. — Keep  a  small  bottle  of  glycerine 
near  the  place  where  you  habitually  wash  your  hands,  and  before  washing 
them  put  one  or  two  drops  of  glycerine  on  the  wet  palm  and  rub  the  hands 
thoroughly  with  it  as  if  it  were  soap,  then  dry  lightly  with  a  towel. 

A  Good  Way  to  Clean  Teeth — Is  to  dip  the  brush  in  water,  rub  it  over 
with  genuine  castile  soap,  then  dip  it  in  prepared  chalk. 

To  Improve  the  Skin  of  the  Hands  and  Arms. — Take  two  ounces  of 
Venice  soap  and  dissolve  it  in  two  ounces  of  lemon  juice  and  one  ounce  of 
the  oil  of  bitter  almonds  and  a  like  quantity  of  the  oil  of  tartar.  Mix  the 
whole  and  stir  it  well  until  it  has  acquired  the  consistence  of  soap,  and  use 
it  as  such  for  the  hands.  The  paste  of  sweet  almonds,  which  contains  an  oil 
fit  for  keeping  the  skin  soft  and  elastic,  and  removing  indurations,  may  be 
beneficially  applied  to  the  hands  and  arms. 

A  Fine  figure. — A  figure  can  hardly  be  stout  enough  to  be  ungraceful  if 
perfectly  flat  across  the  shoulder  blades.  Shoulders  that  incline  to  round 
must  be  brought  to  place  by  shoulder  braces,  if  the  person  is  not  in  good 
health ;  if  in  good  health,  the  will  of  the  person  alone  should  be  sufficient  to 
preserve  a  correct  position  of  the  body. 

The  Feet. — It  is  well  to  soak  the  feet  at  least  twice  a  week  for  fifteen 
minutes  in  hot  water,  dashing  them  with  cold  as  they  are  taken  out.  This 
will  keep  them  healthy  and  elastic. 

Walking. — The  lady  who  has  been  taught  to  walk  easily  and  gracefully 
has  mastered  an  accomplishment  that  counteracts  tendencies  to  disease,  and 
sets  many  muscles  in  motion  which  more  careless  and  less  graceful  pedestri- 
ans leave  in  a  relaxed  condition.  Gymnastics  give  the  sinuous  grace  of 
movement  which  marks  certain  races,  and  which  is  so  alluring  to  the  eye. 

Chillness. — Lively  spirits,  a  cheerful  temper  and  physical  health  and 
beauty,  can  never  exist  without  a  perfect  circulation  of  blood.  Cold  extrem- 
ities or  chillness  of  the  surface  mean  that  the  blood  has  left  its  natural 
channels  and  is  forced  back  on  the  vital  organs  to  clog  their  action.  As  a 
rule  any  temperature  that  is  uncomfortable  is  injurious,  and  the  temperature 
of  rooms  in  winter  should  be  kept  as  low  as  possible  with  comfort,  but  no 
lower.  Chilly  mornings  and  evenings  in  May  and  September  require  fires. 
In  winter,  when  exposed  to  the  weather,  a  sheet  of  tissue  paper,  quilted  in 
marcelline  silk  and  worn  between  the  shoulders,  the  spot  most  sensitive  to 
cold,  is  a  wonderful  comfort  and  protection.  The  paper  admits  air,  but  is  a 
non-conductor  of  heat,  so  it  serves  its  purpose  perfectly.  When  the  season 


THE  TOILET.  385 

is  changing  and  it  is  not  yet  cold  enough  for  flannels,  this  device  is  just  what 
is  wanted.  One  may  be  worn  on  the  breast  and  one  on  the  back,  and  the  arms 
encased  in  silk  close-fitting  sleeves,  and  the  chills  of  spring  and  fall  will  not 
be  subtle  enough  to  reach  the  most  delicate.  The  extremities  and  upper 
part  of  chest  only  need  protection  at  such  times. 

The  Daily  Bath. — Hot  baths  are  of  great  value  in  keeping  the  skin  in 
good  health  and  preserving  its  beauty.  A  ten  minutes'  bath  at  85  degrees,, 
the  water  covering  the  whole  body,  followed  by  a  cold  sponge  bath  or  doucher 
given  quickly,  and  a  brisk  rubbing  with  coarse  towels — the  Turkish  towels. 
The  bath  should  never  leave  one  chilly,  when  it  does  it  is  injurious.  A  bath 
in  slightly  salted  water,  in  which  a  gill  of  ammonia  has  been  mixed,  is  as 
invigorating  as  a  sea  bath.  The  ammonia  cleanses  the  lime  and  takes  away 
all  odor  of  perspiration.  The  feet  and  armpits  should  often  be  washed  in 
such  a  bath  to  remove  any  unpleasant  odor  from  perspiration.  When  very 
bad,  bathe  in  an  infusion  of  rosemary,  sage  or  thyme,  and  dust  the  stockings 
and  under  garments  with  a  mixture  of  two  and  a  half  drachms  of  camphor, 
four  ounces  of  orris  root  and  sixteen  ounces  of  starch,  all  reduced  to  a  fine 
powder  and  tied  up  in  a  coarse  muslin  bag,  from  which  it  is  shaken  upon 
the  clothes. 

A  Sweet  Breath — Depends  on  health,  with  attention  to  health  and  care- 
ful brushing  of  the  teeth  after  each  meal.  All  that  is  necessary  in  addition 
is  to  dissolve  a  piece  of  licorice  as  large  as  a  cent  in  the  mouth  after  using 
the  tooth-brush.  This  corrects  the  effects  of  indigestion,  and  is  less  sugges- 
tive than  spices  and  cachous.  Licorice  has  no  smell  but  simply  corrects  ill- 
flavored  odors.  Clip  a  stick  and  keep  in  a  box  convenient. 

Blondes. — Persons  of  light  complexion  ought  to  be  careful  to  avoid  being 
chilled,  which  paint  blue  circles  about  the  eyes  and  destroy  beauty.  Fre- 
quent bathing  and  much  exposure  to  the  sun,  when  the  heat  is  not  too  great, 
increases  beauty. 

Fine  Combs — Are  injurious  to  the  hair.  A  semi-weekly  wash  with 
ammonia  or  pure  soap  followed  by  a  thorough  brushing  is  better. 

Tow-Heads. — Tow-head  children  should  be  sent  out  into  the  sun  as  much 
as  possible  so  that  the  sun  may  change  darker  the  color  by  the  influence  it 
would  have  on  the  iron  in  the  blood. 

Neglected  Hair. — When  hair  has  been  neglected  it  should  be  cut  to  an 
even  length,  wash  nightly  with  soft  water  to  which  ammonia  has  been 
added  in  proportion  of  three  tablespoonsful  to  a  basin  of  water.  Apply  with 
a  brush,  stirring  the  hair  well  while  the  head  is  partly  immersed. 

NifjM  Caps— Heat  the  head  and  injure  the  hair. 

Oils  and  Pomades. — Glycerine  and  ammonia  make  a  delicate  dressing 
for  the  hair  which  will  not  soil  the  nicest  bonnet.  Pomade  and  oils  are  dis- 


386  THE  TOILET. 

gusting,  and  should  never  be  used  except  when  going  into  salt  water,  to  pre- 
vent injury  to  the  hair. 

Coarse  and  Stippled  Skin. — Some  faces  which  are  neither  pimpled  or 
freckled  look  like  a  pin  cushion  from  which  the  pins  have  been  drawn  out. 
The  oil-glands,  particularly  on  the  nose  and  cheeks,  are  coarse  and  large. 
Wearing  at  night  a  mask  of  quilted  cotton  wet  in  cold  water  will  soften  and 
renew  the  skin,  and  will  do  more  for  it  than  the  costly  toilet  masks  and  cos- 
metiques.  It  requires  patience,  four  to  six  weeks  being  required  sometimes ; 
but  it  works  a  cure  and  repays  patience.  The  new  skin  is  as  soft  as  an 
infant's.  When  oily,  bathing  in  camphor  is  an  aid,  but  camphor  should 
never  be  used  on  good  complexions,  as  it  parches  them. 

The  opium  found  in  the  stalks  of  flowering  lettuce  refines  the  skin  won- 
derfully. Rub  the  milky  juice  of  the  broken  stems  of  coarse  garden  lettuce 
over  the  face  at  night  and  wash  with  a  solution  of  ammonia  in  the  morning. 

To  Sweeten  the  Breath. — Persons  of  light  complexion  have  a  tendency  to 
acidity  of  stomach.  A  quarter  of  a  teaspoonful  of  ammonia  in  half  a  glass 
of  water  taken  every  night  and  morning  is  said  to  be  a  better  correction  than 
soda  and  magnesia.  It  prevents  decay  of  the  teeth  and  sweetens  the  breath. 

Queen  Bess  Complexion  Wash — Is  made  by  putting  in  a  vial  one  drachm 
of  benzoin  gum  in  powder,  one  drachm  of  nutmeg  oil,  six  drops  of  orange 
blossom  tea  or  apple  blossoms  put  in  half  a  pint  of  rain  water  and  boiled 
down  to  one  teaspoonful  and  strained,  one  pint  of  sherry  wine.  Bathe  the 
face  morning  and  night.  It  will  remove  all  flesh  worms  and  freckles  and 
give  a  beautiful  complexion.  Or,  put  one  ounce  of  powdered  gum  of  benzoin 
in  a  pint  of  whisky ;  to  use,  put  in  water  in  washbowl  till  it  is  milky. 

Cold  Cream  for  Chapped  Lips — Is  made  as  follows :  One-half  ounce 
spermaceti,  twenty  grains  white  wax,  two  ounces  pure  oil  of  sweet  almonds, 
one  ounce  pure  glycerine,  six  drops  oil  of  rose ;  melt  first  three  ingredients 
together,  and  when  cooling  add  the  glycerine  and  oil  of  rose,  stirring  until 
cold. 

Bright  Eyes. — Eating  lump  sugar  wet  with  cologne  just  before  going  to  a 
party  makes  the  eyes  bright.  Flirting  soapsuds  into  them  accomplishes  the 
same  purpose. 

Sunshine,  music,  work  and  sleep  are  the  great  medicines  for  women. 
They  nfted  more  sleep  than  men  for  they  are  not  so  strong,  and  their  nerves, 
perhaps,  are  more  acute.  Work  is  the  best  cure  for  ennui  and  for  grief.  Let 
them  sing,  whether  of  love,  longing  or  sorrow,  pouring  out  their  hearts  till 
the  love  returns  into  their  own  bosoms,  till  the  longing  has  spent  its  force, 
or  until  the  sorrow  has  lifted  itself  into  the  sunshine  and  taken  the  hue  of 
trust,  not  of  despair. —  Ugly  Girl  Papers. 

Switches — That  have  lost  freshness  may  be  very  much  improved  by  dip- 
ping them  into  common  ammqnia  without  dilution.  Half  a  pint  is  enough 


THE  TOILET.  387 

for  the  purpose.  The  life  and  color  of  the  hair  is  revived  as  if  it  were  just 
cut  from  the  head.  This  dipping  should  he  repeated  once  in  three  months 
to  free  the  switch  from  dust  as  well  as  to  insure  safety  from  parasitic  forma- 
tions. 

Formula  for  Turkish  Cologne. — Tincture  Canada  snake-root  eight  ounces, 
tincture  orris-root  twenty -four  ounces ;  oil  of  bergamont,  oil  of  lavender,  oil 
of  lemon,  each  twelve  drachms ;  essence  musk,  oil  of  neroli,  oil  of  cinnamon, 
oil  of  clove,  each  two  drachms;  orange  spirits,  six  quarts.  After  mixing, 
the  cologne  should  be  allowed  to  stand  several  days  before  pouring  off  into 
bottles. 

An  Excellent  Recipe  for  Removing  Dandruff. — A  well-known  physician 
tells  us  that  there  is  nothing  better  for  the  above  purpose  than  the  following 
preparation :  To  one  pint  of  alcohol  add  gum-camphor  as  large  as  a  small 
hickory  nut.  This,  so  to  speak,  merely  camphorizes  the  alcohol.  Berga- 
mont, or  oil  of  rose,  or  any  other  essence  may  be  used  to  perfume  it,  as  the 
individual  desires.  Wet  the  scalp  with  it  daily.  It  will  also  be  found  a 
stimulant  of  the  scalp,  a  promoter  of  the  growth  of  the  hair,  and  will,  in 
many  instances,  prevent  it  from  falling  out. 

Redundant  Hair. — The  juice  of  the  milk  thistle,  mixed  with  oil,  will 
prevent  the  hair  from  growing  too  long  on  the  forehead  and  straggling  on 
the  nape  of  the  neck.  Muriatic  acid,  very  slightly  reduced,  applied  with  a 
sable  pencil,  destroys  the  hair,  and  bathing  with  strong  camphor  or  clear 
ammonia  will  prevent  its  growing.  The  latter  will  remove  the  surplus  hair 
but  is  very  severe  and  must  be  washed  off  quickly.  If  hair  grows  on  upper 
lip,  bathe  in  strong  camphor,  and  in  a  few  weeks  the  hair  will  die  out. 
Brush  the  back  hair  upward  in  childhood  to  prevent  the  disfiguring  growth 
of  the  hair  low  on  the  back  of  the  neck.  Strong  pearlash  washes  will  also 
kill  out  thin,  surplus  hair. 

Eyelashes. — Delicately  cutting  oft  me  forked  ends  and  annointing  with  a 
salve  of  two  drachms  of  ointment  of  nitric  oxide  of  mercury  and  one  drachm 
of  lard  improves  them.  The  lard  and  oxide  should  be  well  mixed,  and  the 
edge  of  the  eyelids  gently  annointed  night  and  morning,  washing  after  the 
application  with  warm  milk  and  water.  This  is  said  to  restore  eyelashes 
lost  by  accident  or  disease.  The  effect  of  black  lashes  is  to  deepen  the  color 
of  light  eyes. 

Movement. — Sideway  movements  and  attitudes  please  more  than  back- 
ward or  forward.  Grace  comes  of  perfect  and  vigorous  muscles  and  supple 
joints  that  move  easily. 

Hair  Dye. — Many  of  the  nostrums  sold  are  slow  poisons.  The  following 
is  less  harmful  than  any  other  known:  Boil  equal  parts  vinegar,  lemon 
juice  and  powdered  litharge  for  half  an  hour,  over  a  slow  fire  in  a  porcelain- 
lined  kettle.  Wet  the  hair  with  this  and  in  a  short  time  it  will  turn  black. 


388  THE  TOILET. 

White  Eyebrows  and  Eyelashes.. — These  may  be  darkened  by  a  decoction 
of  the  juice  of  the  outer  shells  of  the  walnut.  It  may  be  made  in  the  season 
and  kept  bottled  the  year  round.  Apply  with  a  small  hair-pencil  brush.  It 
may  also  be  used  on  the  lighter  hair  that  appears  on  the  margin  of  the  hair 
about  the  neck  and  face. 

Red  Hair. — To  soak  red  hair  with  oil  to  improve  the  color  is  an  error.  It 
should  be  kept  as  light  and  wavy  as  possible,  in  order  that  the  light  may 
reveal  its  rich  tints.  The  most  obnoxious  red  hair,  if  well  cared  for,  is 
affected  favorably  by  the  sunlight.  It  should  be  worn  in  floating  masses  or 
waved  by  plaiting  or  crimped  by  crimping  pins,  which  work  no  injury  if  not 
too  tight.  Pale  hair  shows  a  lack  of  iron  and  calls  for  a  diet  of  beefsteak. 
No  shade  of  hair  is  unlovely  if  luxuriant  and  healthy  in  growth. 

The  Hair  Brush  and  Hair. — The  best  in  this,  as  in  other  things,  is 
cheapest,  because  most  durable.  A  celebrated  beauty  prescribed  one  hun- 
dred strokes  a  day  as  necessary  for  keeping  the  hair  in  perfect  condition. 
The  time  required  for  giving  them  is  three  minutes.  Once  a  month  the 
forked  ends  of  the  hair  should  be  clipped.  The  German  women  wash  the 
head  once  in  two  weeks  with  a  quart  of  soft  water  in  which  a  handful  of 
bran  and  a  little  white  soap  has  been  dissolved ;  then  rub  the  yolk  of  an  egg, 
slightly  beaten,  into  the  roots  of  the  hair,  letting  it  remain  a  few  minutes 
and  then  washing  and  rinsing  thoroughly  in  soft  water.  Wipe  and  rub  dry 
with  a  towel,  and  comb  it  up  from  the  head,  parting  it  with  the  fingers.  In 
winter  remain  near  the  fire.  When  dry,  apply  a  soft  pomatum  of  beef  mar- 
row boiled  with  a  little  olive  oil  mildly  perfumed. 

Curling  Fluid. — The  following  is  highly  recommended:  Cut  two  pounds 
common  hard  soap  into  three  pints  spirits  of  wine ;  melt  together,  stirring 
with  a  clean  piece  of  w^ood.  Add  one-fourth  ounce  each  of  essence  of  amber- 
gris, citron  and  neroli. 

Rowland's  Maccassar  Oil — Is  a  wonderful  stimulant  to  the  growth  of 
hair :  Tie  one-fourth  ounce  chippings  of  alkanet  root  in  a  piece  of  coarse 
muslin,  suspend  it  for  a  week  in  a  jar  containing  eight  ounces  of  sweet  oil, 
taking  care  to  cover  from  dirt.  Then  add  sixty  drops  tincture  cantharides, 
ten  drops  oil  of  rose  and  sixty  drops  neroli  and  lemon.  Let  stand  three  weeks 
closely  corked. 

Chilblains. — Bathing  the  feet  frequently  in  a  strong  solution  of  alum  will 
prevent  them.  Guard  against  sitting  with  the  feet  near  the  fire,  especially 
when  cold.  If  a  chilblain  breaks,  dress  with  a  plaster  made  of  equal  parts 
of  lard  and  beeswax,  to  which  has  been  added  one-half  the  quantity  of  tur- 
pentine. 

Blisters. — A  remedy  for  blisters  on  the  feet,  caused  by  walking,  is  the 
application  of  glycerine,  or  bathing  in  whisky.  Woolen  hose  are  a  preven- 
tive. 


THE  TOILET.  389 

Freckles. — To  remove  freckles,  apply  two  or  three  times  a  day  some  milk 
into  which  has  been  grated  the  root  horseradish.  The  proper  strength  can 
only  be  learned  by  experiment,  as  skins  differ  in  tenderness.  Another  rem- 
edy is  an  ounce  each  of  alum  and  lemon  juice  in  a  pint  of  rose  water,  and 
apply  an  ointment  made  by  simmering  gently  together  one  ounce  of  Venice 
soap,  quarter  ounce  each  diliquated  oil  of  tartar  and  oil  of  bitter  almonds ; 
when  it  has  reached  consistency  add  three  drops  oil  of  rhodium.  In  the 
morning  wash  off  the  ointment  with  rose  water.  Another  remedy  much 
used  is  half  a  drachm  muriate  of  ammonia,  two  drachms  lavender  water, 
half  a  pint  distilled  water.  Or,  boil  a  half  pint  of  milk  to  which  has  been 
added  the  juice  of  one  lemon  and  a  tablespoonful  of  brandy  and  a  drachm  of 
rock  alum ;  skim  well,  and  when  cool  apply  occasionally. 

Sound  Gums. — A  gargle  for  the  mouth,  which  restores  unsound  gums,  is 
made  of  one  ounce  coarsely-powdered  Peruvian  bark,  steeped  in  half  a  pint 
of  brandy  for  a  fortnight.  Gargle  mouth  twice  a  day  with  a  teaspoonful  of 
this  tincture,  diluted  with  same  quantity  of  rain  water. 

To  Preserve  the  Teeth. — Care  of  the  general  health,  as  well  as  care  of  the 
teeth,  is  necessary.  Chewing  a  bit  of  orris  root,  or  washing  the  mouth  with 
a  tincture  of  myrrh  or  taking  a  bit  of  myrrh  as  large  as  a  hazelnut,  or  a 
piece  of  burnt  alum,  at  night,  is  useful. 

Dentifrice. — The  ashes  of  bread  thoroughly  burned,  not  simply  charred, 
is  a  good  dentifrice. 

Cologne. — One  gallon  deodorized  alcohol  or  spirits  made  from  Catawba 
grapes,  one  ounce  oil  of  lavender,  one  ounce  oil  of  oranges,  two  drachms 
oil  of  cidrat,  one  drachm  of  neroli  or  orange  flowers,  one  drachm  oil  of  rose, 
and  one  drachm  ambergris.  Mix  well  and  keep  in  a  cool  place  for  three 
weeks.  A  plain  cologne,  to  be  used  as  toilet  water,  is  made  of  one  drachm 
each  of  oil  of  bergamot,  lavender  and  lemon,  ten  drops  each  of  oil  of  rose 
and  jasmine,  ten  drops  essence  of  ambergris,  one  pint  of  spirits  of  wine; 
cork  closely  for  two  months.  The  objection  to  face  powdering  and  coloring 
is  that  when  once  begun  it  must  be  kept  up.  In  leaving  it  off,  the  complex- 
ion seldom  regains  its  natural  bloom,  the  skin  its  smoothness,  and  the  hair 
its  natural  lustre.  The  best  beautifier  is  health,  and  one-half  the  attention 
which  fine  ladies  give  to  decorating  themselves,  and  one-half  the  time 
wasted  in  frivolous  gossip  and  the  furbelows  of  dress  which  detract  from 
simplicity  and  real  artistic  beauty,  given  to  exercise  in  the  open  air,  bathing 
and  care  of  the  health,  would  make  paints  and  powders  superfluous. 

Face  Powders. — If  ladies  resort  to  artificial  means  to  make  up  complex- 
ions, they  should  be  artistically  applied,  and  not  as  one  would  apply  white- 
wash to  a  rough  fence.  Nothing  is  more  vulgar  and  disgusting  than  a  face 
on  which  the  powder  is  plainly  visible,  and  which  looks  as  if  dipped  in  a 
flour  barrel.  The  best  and  cheapest  powder  is  little  pellets  of  refim&d  chalk, 


390  THE  TOILET. 

one  being  sufficient  for  an  application.  The  use  of  powder  is  a  comfort  and  a 
protection,  on  long  journeys  and  in  city  dust.  It  is  better  to  fill  the  pores 
with  clean  dust  before  starting  out  than  to  have  them  filled  with  very  dirty 
dust,  against  your  will.  A  layer  of  powder  artistically  applied,  prevents 
sunburn  and  freckles,  cools  feverish  skin,  and  modifies  the  contrast  between 
red  arms  and  white  dresses.  The  point  is  to  know  how  to  use  it  well. 
First,  the  skin  should  be  as  cool  and  clean  as  possible.  Take  a  pellet  of 
refined  chalk,  making  sure  that  it  is  free  from  poisonous  bismuth,  wrap  it 
in  coarse  linen,  crush  it  in  water,  grinding  it  between  the  fingers.  Now 
wash  the  face  with  the  linen,  the  powder  in  its  finest  state,  oozing  through 
the  cloth  and  leaving  a  pure  white  deposit  when  dry.  Press  the  face  lightly 
with  a  damp  handkerchief,  to  remove  superfluous  powder,  and  be  sure  to 
wipe  the  brows  and  nostrils  free.  Powder  thus  applied  is  less  visible  than 
when  put  on  dry.  The  refined  chalk  is  much  better,  besides  being  less 
costly  than  the  "  lilly  white,"  etc.,  put  up  in  handsome  boxes.  Cascarilli 
powder  is  also  recommended  as  harmless.  It  is  prepared  from  a  root  used 
in  medicine  and  may  be  applied*  as  above  after  washing  the  face  with  a 
thick  suds  from  glycerine  soap ;  or  after  washing  dust  the  powder  on  with  a 
swan's-down  puff,  removing  all  superfluous  patches  with  a  fresh  puff  kept 
for  the  purpose. 

Painting. — If  powder  needs  to  be  applied  artistically  to  add  to  beauty,  what 
shall  be  said  of  painting?  The  woman  who  can  use  rouge  on  her  cheeks, 
and  not  disgust  her  near  neighbors,  is  certainly  artist  enough  to  paint  a  pic- 
ture. Generally  distance  lends  enchantment.  If  a  lady  will  paint,  she 
should  first  study  her  complexion  and  be  certain  that  she  knows  what  is 
the  natural  tint  of  her  type  of  beauty  when  in  health.  Tints  range  from  the 
apple-blossom  tint  which  suffuses  the  cheeks,  to  a  transparent  saffron  tinge. 
Ladies  who  have  not  an  artist's  eye  for  colors  and  a  sound  judgment  as  to 
what  is  appropriate,  are  sure  to  blunder  and  make  themselves  rediculous. 
The  next  point  is  to  avoid  the  rank  poisons  that  are  sold  for  the  purpose, 
such  as  red-lead,  bismuth,  arsenic,  and  sundry  poisonous  vegetable  com- 
pounds. Bismuth  produces  purple  pimples,  and  many  coarse  complexions 
may  be  traced  to  the  use  of  it.  The  following  are  said  to  be  harmless:  One 
ounce  of  Brazil  dust,  three  pints  of  water;  boil  and  strain;  add  six  drachms 
isinglass,  two  drachms  cochineal,  three  of  borax,  and  one  ounce  of  alum; 
boil  again  and  strain  through  a  fine  cloth.  Use  as  a  liquid  cosmetic.  For 
a  dry  rouge,  mix  half  drachm  carmine,  one  drachm  oil  of  almonds,  and  two 
ounces  French  chalk. 

The  milk  of  roses  is  very  soothing  to  the  skin  and  takes  on  different  tints 
by  the  addition  of  a  few  flakes  of  indigo  for  black-rose  crimson,  or  a  little 
pale  yellow  with  less  carmine  for  softer  tints.  The  milk  is  made  by  mixing 


THE  TOILET,  391 

four  ounces  oil  of  almonds,  forty  drops  oil  of  tartar,  and  half  a  pint  of  rose- 
water,  with  carmine  enough  to  make  the  proper  shade. 

To  Whiten  the  Arms  for  theatricals,  rub  the  arms  with  glycerine,  and 
before  the  skin  has  absorbed  it  all,  dust  on  refined  chalk. 

Darkening  Eyebrows. — This  must  be  done  by  a  small  hair  pencil.  A  fine 
line  of  black  around  the  rim  of  the  eyelids  is  not  easily  detected  and  has 
great  effect  in  softening  and  enlarging  the  appearance  of  the  eye.  If  care- 
lessly put  on  it  gives  the  look  of  dissipation. 

Finger  Tips. — To  stain  the  finger  tips,  touch  with  jeweler's  cotton,  dip- 
ped in  a  preparation  made  of  one-eighth  ounce  of  chippings  of  alkanet  tied 
in  coarse  muslin  and  soaked  a  week  in  diluted  alcohol. 

Hair  Powder  is  made  of  powdered  starch,  sifted  through  muslin,  and 
perfumed  wTith  oil  of  roses,  in  the  proportion  of  twelve  drops  to  the  pound. 
Crystal  powder  is  gloss  dust  or  crystalized  salts  of  different  kinds.  A  golden 
powder  is  made  by  coloring  a  saturated  solution  of  alum  bright  yellow  with 
tumeric,  then  allowing  it  to  crystalize,  and  afterwards  reducing  it  to  a 
coarse  powder. 

Color  for  Lips  is  cold  cream  with  more  wax  than  usual  in  it  and  a  few 
drachms  of  carmine.  For  a  vermillion  tint,  use  a  strong  infusion  of  alka- 
net. Red-lead  is  poison.  Keep  the  chippings  tied  in  a  cloth  of  alkanet  in 
the  almond  oil  from  which  the  cold  cream  is  made,  and  afterwards  incorpo- 
rate it  with  the  wax  and  spermaceti. 

Walnut  Stain  for  skin  or  hair  is  made  by  boiling  walnut  bark,  say  an 
ounce  to  a  pint  of  water,  for  an  hour,  slowly,  and  adding  a  lump  of  alum 
the  size  of  a  thimble,  to  set  the  dye.  Apply  with  a  delicate  brush  to  eye- 
brows and  lashes,  or  with  a  sponge  to  the  hair. 

Clear  Complexion. — George  Eliot  says  that  it  is  almost  an  instinct  with 
men  to  associate  a  pure  soul  with  a  lucent  complexion.  No  woman  is  with- 
out beauty  if  she  possesses  this.  Those  who  wish  to  possess  it,  and  who 
reject  the  coarse  pretence  of  powder  and  paint,  may  improve  their  complex- 
ion by  the  following:  Three  ounces  of  ground  barley,  white  of  one  egg;  mix 
to  a  paste,  spread  thickly  on  the  cheeks',  nose  and  forehead  before  going  to 
bed,  allowing  it  to  remain  all  night,  protected  by  a  soft  handkerchief,  or 
bits  of  lawn,  over  the  paste.  In  the  morning  wash  it  off'  with  warm  water, 
having  first  wet  it  with  a  sponge  so  as  to  soften  it.  Repeat  nightly  for  two 
or  three  weeks,  until  the  skin  grows  fine  and  soft.  Always  wash  with  warm 
water  and  mild  soap,  rubbing  on  a  little  cold  cream  when  about  to  expose 
yourself  to  the  weather.  Bathing  daily  in  water,  using  a  dash  of  cold  water 
afterwards,  when  the  system  reacts  under  its  application,  is  a  great  aid. 
The  best  complexion  wash— cascarilla  powder— two  grains  each  of  muriate 
of  ammonia  and  cascarilla  powder,  and  eight  ounces  emulsion  of  almonds; 
apply  with  fine  linen.  The  discoloration  known  as  mask  is  removed  l>y 


392  THE  TOILET. 

a  wash  made  of  thirty  grains  of  chlorate  of  potash  in  eight  ounces  of  rose- 
water. 

Wrinkles  are  made  less  apparent  by  the  application  of  a  preparation  made 
of  three  drachms  of  alcohol  and  thirty-six  grains  of  turpentine,  and  allowing 
it  to  dry  on  the  face. 

Pimples  are  caused  by  impure  blood,  which  means  that  the  diet  ought  to 
consist  less  of  fat  meats  and  rich  food  and  more  attention  should  be  paid  to 
bathing.  A  useful  wash  is  made  of  thirty-six  grains  of  bicarbonate  of  soda, 
one  drachm  of  glycerine,  one  ounce  spermacetic  ointment.  Rub  on  the  face, 
let  it  remain  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  and  wipe  off  all  but  a  slight  film  with  a 
soft  cloth. 

Freckles  indicate  an  excesss  of  iron  in  the  blood,  the  sun  bringing  out  the 
colors  as  it  does  of  indelible  ink.  They  sometimes  add  to  the  beauty  of  a 
pure  complexion,  associated  with  blonde,  brown  or  auburn  hair;  but  when 
large  and  too  numerous,  disfigure.  To  remove  them,  powder  finely  nitre 
(saltpetre)  and  apply  it  with  the  moistened  finger  to  the  freckles.  Practice 
will  soon  enable  any  one  to  do  it  perfectly  and  with  the  desired  effect.  An 
old  prescription  is  a  half  pint  blue  skim  milk  into  which  has  been  sliced  as 
many  cucumbers  as  it  will  cover ;  let  stand  an  hour,  then  bathe  face  and 
hands,  washing  them  with  pure  water  when  the  cucumber  extract  is  dry. 
The  latter  is  very  stimulating  to  the  hair. 

Rough  Skin,  caused  by  exposure  to  the  w:nd,  may  be  softened  by  apply- 
ing glycerine  or  cold  cream  at  night,  and  washing  with  a  fine  carbolic  soap 
in  the  morning.  It  is  still  better  to  rub  the  face,  throat,  hands  and  arms 
with  cold  cream  or  pure  almond  oil  before  going  out.  For  rough  skin  caused 
by  any  eruption,  disease  or  tendency  to  eruption,  apply  a  mixture  of  one 
ounce  of  glycerine,  half  ounce  rosemary  water,  and  twenty  drops  carbolic 
acid.  For  hives  or  prickly  heat  this  wash  is  excellent. 

Mosquitoes  may  be  warded  off  by  applying  to  the  skin  a  solution  made  of 
fifty  drops  carbolic  acid  to  an  ounce  of  glycerine.  The  pure,crystalized  form 
of  the  acid  has  a  less  powerful  odor  than  the  common  preparation.  Bites 
may  be  instantly  cured  by  touching  them  with  the  solution.  Add  two  or 
three  drops  of  the  attar  of  roses,  to  disguise  the  smell. 

Hair  Exposed  to  Salt  Water  sometimes  turn  gray.  To  ward  off  this 
danger,  use  a  pure  vegetable  oil — not  glycerine,  as  it  combines  with  water 
readily  and  is  no  protection.  Cold  cream,  made  with  a  larger  amount  of 
almond  oil,  is  a  good  dressing. 

Gray  Hair  is  much  admired  when  in  profusion,  especially  when  accom- 
panied by  dark  eyes.  It  may  be  restored  to  its  natural  color  by  the  follow- 
ing: One  ounce  tincture  acetate  of  iron,  one  pint  water,  half  an  ounce  glyce- 
rine, five  grains  sulphuret  of  potassium.  Mix  and  let  the  bottle  stand  open 
until  the  smell  of  potassium  has  disappeared,  then  add  a  few  drops  attar  of 


THE  TOILET.  393 

roses.  Rub  a  little  into  the  hair  daily,  and  it  will  restore  the  hair  and  bene- 
fit the  health. 

Curls  and  Crimps. — Ladies  whose  hair  conies  out  of  curl  or  crimp  while 
boating  or  riding  on  horseback  should  apply  the  following  before  putting  it 
up:  One-fourth  ounce  gum  tragacanth,  a  pint  of  rose  water,  five  drops  of 
glycerine ;  mix  and  let  stand  over  night  or  until  tragacanth  is  dissolved.  If 
too  thick  add  rose  water.  When  smooth  and  thin  as  glycerine  it  is  ready 
for  use.  To  make  the  hair  curl  moisten  a  lock  with  it,  not  too  wet,  brush 
around  a  warm  curling  iron  and  put  up  in  papillotes.  If  curl  comes  out 
harsh  and  stiff,  brush  it  around  a  cold  iron  or  curling  stick  with  a  very  little 
of  the  cosmetic  or  cold  cream. 

Cold  Cream. — A  very  fine  cold  cream  is  made  of  five  parts  oil  of  sweet 
almond,  three  parts  spermaceti,  half  a  part  white  wax,  three  to  five  drops 
ether  of  roses.  Melt  together  in  a  shallow  dish  over  hot  water.  Strain 
through  a  piece  of  muslin  when  melted,  and  as  it  begins  to  cool  beat  it  with 
a  silver  spoon  until  cold  and  snowy  white.  For  the  hair  use  seven  parts  oil 
instead  of  five.  The  straining  and  beating  while  cooling  is  the  secret  of 
making  good  cream. 

Cutaneous  Affections. — Scorbutic  affections,  and  fumes  of  certain  medi- 
cines produce  roughness  and  inflamation  of  the  skin.  A  wash  of  one  part 
sulphurous  (not  sulphuric)  acid  to  three  parts  soft  water  applied  three  or  four 
times  a  day  will  soon  cure.  Parasites  on  furniture,  human  beings  or  pets, 
are  destroyed  by  this  preparation. 

Cosmetic  Gloves — Are  spread  inside  with  a  preparation  made  as  follows : 
Two  yolks  from  fresh  eggs,  beaten  with  two  teaspoonfuls  oil  of  sweet 
almond,  one  ounce  of  rose  wrater,  and  thirty-six  drops  tincture  of  benzoin; 
make  into  a  paste  and  anoint  the  gloves  inside,  or  anoint  the  hands  at  night 
and  draw  on  the  gloves.  The  gloves  simply  protect  the  bed  clothing  and 
keep  the  paste  moist. 

The  Shoulders  and  Arms. — A  cosmetic  paste  for  the  shoulders  and  arms 
is  made  of  white  of  four  eggs  boiled  in  rose  water  with  a  grain  or  two  of  alum 
and  beaten  until  thick.  Spread  this  on  the  skin,  cover  with  old  linen,  and 
wear  over  night,  or  in  the  afternoon  before  a  party.  This  gives  great  fine- 
ness and  purity  to  the  skin,  and  is  of  most  value  to  persons  who  have  soft, 
flabby  flesh. 

Baldness. — A  stimulating  wash  for  the  hair  is  made  from  equal  parts  of 
tincture  of  sulphate  of  quinine  and  aromatic  tincture,  sulphate  of  quinine 
five  grains,  in  an  ounce  of  alcohol,  will  cause  eyebrows  to  grow  when  burned 
off  by  nre. 

French  Hair  Dye.— If  people  will  use  hair  dye,  the  best,  because  it  gives 
a  bright,  black,  life-like  lustre,  is  made  as  follows:  Melt  together  in, a  bowl 
set  in  boiling  water  four  ounces  white  wax  in  nine  ounces  olive  oil,  stirring 


394  THE  TOILET. 

in  when  melted  two  ounces  burnt  cork  in  powder.  To  apply,  put  on  old 
gloves,  cover  shoulders  carefully  and  spread  on  like  pomade,  brushing  in  well 
through  the  hair.  Give  it  a  brown  tint  by  steeping  an  ounce  of  walnut  bark 
tied  in  coarse  muslin  in  the  almond  oil  one  week  before  boiling. 

Sallowncas. — A  preparation  which  rids  the  system  of  the  cause  of  sallow- 
ness  and  which  is  of  value  in  the  spring,  is  made  as  follows :  Half  an  ounce 
each  of  spruce,  hemlock  and  sarsaparilla  bark,  dandelion,  burdock  and  yel- 
low dock,  in  one  gallon  of  water;  boil  half  an  hour,  strain  while  hot,  and 
add  ten  drops  of  oil  of  spruce  and  sassafras ;  mix.  When  cold  add  half  a 
pound  brown  sugar  and  half  a  cup  yeast.  Let  stand  twelve  hours  in  a  jar 
covered  tight,  and  bottle.  Use  freely  as  an  iced  drink.  It  is  equal  to  the 
root  beer  which  Xew  Yorkers  drink  so  generally  during  warm  months. 

Fat  People — May  reduce  their  flesh  rapidly  drinking  sassafras  tea,  either 
cold  or  hot,  with  or  without  sugar.  There  are  conditions  of  health  when  it 
might  be  injurious,  however,  and  a  physician  should  be  consulted  before 
using  it.  A  strong  infusion  may  be  made  of  one  ounce  of  sassafras  to  a 
quart  of  water.  Boil  half  an  hour  very  slowly,  let  it  cool,  and  keep  from 
the  air. 

Early  Rising  and  Beauty. — The  early  morning  hours  have  a  potent 
effect  on  the  complexion,  and  it  is  better  to  see  the  sun  rise  and  sleep  in  the 
middle  of  the  day  if  one  must  to  secure  the  necessary  sleep.  The  pure  morn- 
ing air  has  a  tonic  effect  on  the  nerves  and  the  circulation  of  the  blood.  Of 
course,  the  out-door  air  is  what  is  needed.  If  too  cold,  plant  yourself  at  the 
sunniest  window.  American  women  need  more  work  in  the  open  air,  if  it  is 
only  that  afforded  by  balconies. 

Diet. — Beauty  without  good,  wholesome,  nourishing  food,  is  impossible. 
Good  beefsteak,  properly  cooked  and  plenty  of  it,  good  bread,  oat  meal, 
brown  bread,  fresh  vegetables,  all  are  appetizing  and  nourishing  food.  If 
the  appetite  is  weak  and  needs  coaxing,  more  exercise,  more  fresh  air  and 
sunlight  will  bring  it  back,  which  coaxing  with  dainties  and  sweetmeats  will 
never  do.  The  dinner  ought  to  be  the  heartiest  meal,  the  breakfast  next, 
and  supper  light.  Society  women  and  women  who  work  with  the  brain 
need  more  and  better  food  than  Bridget  does  at  the  washtub.  In  this  age 
the  world  has  little  use  for  candy-loving  idlers ;  what  it  needs  is  well  nour- 
ished women,  whose  brains  are  not  addled  or  beclouded,  and  whose  bodies 
are  strong  and  vigorous  enough  to  digest  a  generous  dinner.  It  is  no  sign 
of  grossness  to  eat  heartily  if  one  works  heartily  enough  to  consume  the 
nourishment.  Activity  of  body  or  brain  means  waste,  and  waste  requires 
food.  Flabby  muscles  that  hardly  hold  the  bony  frame-work  together  have 
none  of  the  grace,  the  well-poised  shoulders,  the  round  arms  and  neck,  the 
profusion  of  hair,  and  the  strength  of  nerve  that  go  with  well  nourished 


THE  TOILET.  395 

bodies.    It  is  want  of  sunshine  and  badly  prepared  and  improper  food  that 
make  women  weak,  nervous,  coarse  and  uninteresting. 

Mechanical  Appliances. — To  put  flexibility  into  chest  muscles,  the  fol- 
lowing practice  is  advised  in  Ugly  Girl  Papers:  "A  homely  but  very  effec- 
tual way  of  educating  the  muscles  is  to  wear  weights  fastened  to  the 
shoulders.  A  shawl  strap  answers  every  purpose,  buckled  on  the  shoulders 
with  the  handle  between  them  on  the  back,  and  fastening  a  flatiron  of  five 
or  six  pounds  weight  to  the  straps  which  hang  under  the  arms.  An  extra 
buckle  may  be  sewed  half  way  down  each  strap,  to  fasten  the  ^irons  on  the 
end  by  a  second  loop.  The  weights  may  be  -.vorn  while  reading  or  writing 
for  hours,  and  will  be  found  rather  agreeable  to  balance  the  stooping  pro- 
pensity by  throwing  the  stress  on  fresh  muscles.  With  or  without  it,  nine- 
tenths  of  women  from  eighteen  years  upward  will  need  another  simple 
support  to  relieve  the  muscles  of  the  trunk  below  the  waist.  It  matters 
little  what  causes  this  feebleness,  whether  too  hard  work,  the  weight  of 
skirts  or  degeneration  of  the  muscular  fibre  from  want  of  exercise  and  lack 
of  fresh  air.  Its  relief  is  imperative  to  preserve  bloom  and  life  of  any  kind 
worth  calling  life.  If  any  girl  or  woman  cannot  dance,  run  up  stairs,  take 
long  walks,  or  stand  about  the  house-work,  no  matter  how  slight  the  fatigue, 
support  must  be  provided.  Women  wear  corsets  and  say  they  cannot  exist 
without  them,  when  the  demand  for  aid  of  the  relaxed  muscles  of  the  hips 
and  back,  though  far  more  imperative,  is  neglected.  The  means  are  very 
simple:  a  bandage  of  linen  toweling,  soft  and  cool,  buckled,  tied  or  pinned 
as  tight  as  will  be  comfortable,  and  so  arranged  as  to  relieve  every  muscle 
that  feels  fatigue.  This  is  worth  all  the  manufactured  appliances  in  the 
market,  and  its  prompt  use  averts  a  hundred  distressing  consequences.  At 
the  first  approach  of  debility  these  girdles  should  be  worn,  as  they  have  been 
from  ancient  times  among  Greek  and  Jewish  women.  It  is  not  sure  that 
their  office  of  prevention  is  no  more  essential  than  that  of  cure.  Tight  cor- 
sets are  an  abomination,  for  they  interfere  with  flexibility,  and  so  with  that 
constant  exercise  of  the  trunk  muscles  which  alone  can  keep  them  in  tone — 
keep  them  from  degeneration  and  atrophy.  As  to  the  muscles  of  the  back 
and  abdomen  affected  by  the  girdle,  a  degree  of  support  just  sufficient  to 
encourage  them  to  their  work  and  prevent  their  giving  it  up  in  fatigue  and 
despair,  will  exercise  and  strengthen  them.  A  bandage  tighter  than  is 
needed  for  this  will  do  harm,  not  only  by  keeping  the  muscles  idle  and  so 
weakening  them,  but  by  compressing  the  abdominal  viscera,  and  thus  pro- 
ducing numerous  evils. 

"There  is  a  game  children  play  called  'wring  the  towel,'  in  which  two 
clasp  hands  and  whirl  thejr  arms  over  their  heads  without  losing  hold,  that 
every  woman  ought  to  practice  to  keep  her  muscles  flexible.  Hardly  any 
exercise  could  be  devised  which  would  give  play  to  so  many  muscles  at  once. 


' 


306  THE  T 61  LET. 

A  woman  ought  to  be  as  lithe  from  head  to  heel  as  a  willow  wand,  not  for 
the  sake  of  beauty  only,  but  for  the  varied  duties  and  functions  she  must 
perform. 

"  How  dexterously  Nature  inserts  the  reward  of  beauty  before  the  self- 
denial  needed  to  gain  health!  A  thoroughly  healthy  woman  is  never 
unbeautiful.  She  is  full  of  life,  and  vivacity  shines  in  her  face  and  manner, 
While  her  magnetism  attracts  every  creature  who  comes  within  its  influ- 
ence." 

Superfluous  Hair. — A  paste  made  of  wood  ashes  or  caustic  soda,  left  on 
as  long  as  can  be  borne,  washing  off  with  vinegar  to  take  out  the  alkali, 
applied  daily,  will  kill  the  hair.  Pulling  hair  out  by  the  roots  often  causes 
more  to  grow.  To  remove  from  the  arms,  bathe  daily  in  a  hot  solution  of 
chloride  of  lime,  two  tablespoonfuls  to  a  quart  of  water.  Bathe  in  this  as 
hot  as  can  be  borne  for  two  minutes  and  then  wash  in  vinegar  and  water, 
rubbing  afterward  in  almond  or  olive  oil.  Use  in  a  warm  room  before  an 
open  window,  so  as  not  to  breathe  the  fumes  of  the  noxious  chloride.  The 
danger  in  using  these  poAverful  agents  is  that  the  condition  of  the  blood  may 
be  such  that  a  slight  wound  caused  by  the  caustic  may  fester  and  heal  with 
difficulty.  It  is  better  to  try  mild  applications  often  and  for  a  short  time 
rather  than  try  severe  ones.  It  takes  patience  to  secure  riddance  from  defects 
like  these. 

The  Vapor  Bath — Is  given  by  seating  the  undressed  patient  in  a  flag  or 
cane  seat  chair  under  which  is  a  lighted  alcohol  lamp  or  a  little  alcohol 
lighted  in  a  saucer,  the  chair  and  patient  being  wrapped  in  a  large  blanket. 
In  a  few  minutes  perspiration  is  flowing  in  streams,  and  is  kept  up  for  fifteen 
minutes  or  less  time.  A  tepid  bath  follows,  the  water  being  gradually  cooled 
off  if  the  patient  is  not  chilled  by  it.  After  rubbing  dry  the  patient  should 
lie  down  for  a  half  hour,  and  then  take  moderate  exercise.  This  enables  the 
system  to  throw  off  impurities.  Arabian  women  perfume  their  bodies  by 
sitting  over  a  fire  of  coals  on  which  are  thrown  myrrh  and  spices.  Once  or 
twice  a  week  is  often  enough  for  a  vapor  bath,  and  the  effect  on  the  com- 
plexion is  often  remarkable. 

To  Soften  the  Hands. — Fill  a  wash-basin  half  full  of  fine,  white  sand  and 
soapsuds  as  hot  as  can  be  borne.  Wash  the  hands  in  this  five  minutes  at  a 
time,  brushing  and  rubbing  them  in  the  sand.  The  best  is  flint  sand,  or  the 
white  powdered  quartz  sold  for  filters.  It  may  be  used  repeatedly  by  pour- 
ing the  water  away  after  each  washing  and  adding  fresh  to  keep  it  from 
blowing  about.  Rinse  in  warm  lather  of  fine  soap,  and  after  drying  rub  them 
in  dry  bran  or  corn  meal.  Dust  them,  and  finish  with  rubbing  cold  cream 
well  into  the  skin.  This  effectually  removes  the  roughness  caused  by  house- 
work, and  should  be  used  every  day,  first  removing  ink  or  vegetable  stains 
with  acid.  Always  rub  the  spot  with  cold  cream  or  oil  after  using  acid  on 


THE  TOILET.  397 

the  fingers.  The  cream'  supplies  the  place  of  the  natural  oil  of  the  skin, 
which  the  acid  removes  with  the  stain. 

To  Give  a  Fine  Color  to  the  Nails. — The  hands  and  fingers  must  be  well 
lathered  and  washed  with  scented  soap ;  then  the  nails  must  he  rubbed  with 
equal  parts  of  cinnabar  and  emery,  followed  by  oil  of  bitter  almonds.  To 
take  white  specks  from  the  nails,  melt  equal  parts  of  pitch  and  turpentine 
in  a  small  cup ;  add  to  it  vinegar  and  powdered  sulphur.  Rub  this  on  the 
nails,  and  the  specks  will  soon  disappear.  Pitch  and  myrrh  melted  together 
may  be  used  with  the  same  results. 

An  embrocation  for  whitening  the  hands  and  arms,  which  dates  far  back, 
possibly  to  King  James'  time,  is  made  from  myrrh,  one  ounce ;  honey,  four 
ounces ;  yellow  wax,  two  ounces ;  rose-water,  six  ounces.  Mix  the  whole  in 
one  well-blended  mass  for  use,  melting  the  wax,  rose-water  and  honey 
together,  in  a  dish  over  boiling  water,  and  adding  the  myrrh  while  hot. 
Rub  this  thickly  over  the  skin  before  going  to  bed.  It  is  good  for  chapped 
surfaces,  and  would  make  an  excellent  mask  for  the  face. 

Take  two  ounces  of  fine  hard  soap — old  Windsor  or  almond  soap — and 
dissolve  it  in  two  ounces  of  lemon  juice.  Add  one  ounce  of  the  oil  of  bitter 
almonds,  and  as  much  oil  of  tartar.  Mix  the  whole,  and  stir  well  until  it  is 
like  soap,  and  use  it  to  wash  the  hands.  This  contains  the  most  powerful 
agents  which  can  safely  be  applied  to  the  skin,  and  it  should  not  be  used  on 
scratches  or  chapped  hands. 

For  Scratches  or  Chapped  Hands. — A  delicate  ointment  is  made  from 
three  ounces  of  oil  of  sweet  almonds,  an  ounce  of  spermaceti,  and  half  an 
ounce  of  rice  flour.  Melt  these  over  a  slow  fire,  keep  stirring  till  cold,  and 
add  a  few  drops  of  rose-oil.  This  makes  a  good  color  for  the  lips  by  mixing 
a  little  alkanet  powder  with  it,  and  may  be  used  to  tinge  the  finger-tips. 
It  is  at  least  harmless. 

Oil  of  almonds,  spermaceti,  white  wax,  and  white  sugar-candy,  in  equal 
parts,  melted  together,  form  a  good  white  salve  for  the  lips  and  cheeks  in 
cold  weather. 

A  Freckle  Lotion,  for  the  cure  of  freckles,  tan,  or  sunburned  face  and 
hands,  is  thus  made:  Take  half  a  pound  of  pure  ox-gall,  half  a  drachm  each 
of  camphor  and  burned  alum,  one  drachm  of  borax,  two  ounces  of  rock- 
candy.  This  should  be  mixed  and  shaken  well  several  times  a  day  for  three 
weeks,  until  the  gall  becomes  transparent ;  then  strain  it  very  carefully 
through  filtering  paper,  which  may  be  had  of  the  druggists.  Apply  to  the 
face  during  the  day,  and  wash  it  off  at  night. 

For  the  Complexion.— Mix  one  spoonful  of  the  best  tar  in  a  pint  of  pure 
olive  or  almond  oil,  by  heating  the  two  together  in  a  tin  cup  set  in  boiling 
water.  Stir  till  completely  mixed  and  smooth,  putting  in  more  oil  if  the 
compound  is  too  thick  to  run  easily.  Rub  this  on  the  face  when  going  to 


398  THE  TOILET. 

bed.  and  lay  patches  of  soft  old  cloth  on  the  cheeks  and  forehead  to  keep  the 
tar  from  rubbing  off.  The  bed  linen  must  be  protected  by  old  sheets  folded 
and  thrown  over  the  pillows.  The  odor,  when  mixed  with  oil,  is  not  strong 
enough  to  be  unpleasant — some  people  fancy  its  suggestion  of  arromatic 
pine  breath — and  the  black,  unpleasant  mask  washes  off  easily  with  warm 
water  and  soap.  The  skin  comes  out,  after  several  applications,  soft,  moist, 
and  tinted  like  a  baby's.  Certainly  this  wood  ointment  is  preferable  to  the 
remedy  for  coarse  skins  of  wetting  in  buttermilk.  Further,  it  affects  incipi- 
ent wrinkles  by  softening  and  refining  the  skin.  The  French  have  long 
used  turpentine  to  efface  the  marks  of  age,  but  the  olive-tar  is  pleasanter. 
A  pint  of  best  olive-oil  costs  about  forty  cents  at  the  grocers ;  for  the  tar 
apply  to  the  druggist,  who  keeps  it  on  hand  for  inhaling.  A  spoonful  of  the 
mixture  put  in  the  water  vase  of  a  stove  gives  a  faint  pine  odor  to  the  air  of 
a  room,  which  is  very  soothing  to  weak  lungs.  Physicians  often  recom- 
mend it. —  Ugly  Girl  Papers. 

Eruptions  Caused  by  Heat. — Nothing  is  better  than  bathing  irritated 
parts  in  a  solution  of  one  teaspoonful  of  the  common  carbolic  acid  to  a  pint' 
of  rose-water.  The  acid,  as  usually  sold  in  solution,  is  about  one-half  the 
strength  of  really  pure  acid,  which  is  very  hard  to  find.  Care  must  be  taken 
not  to  let  the  wash  get  into  the  eye»,  as  it  certainly  will  smart,  though  it 
may  not  be  strong  enough  to  do  further  harm.  No  more  purifying,  healing 
lotion  is  known  to  medical  skill,  and  its  work  is  speedy. 

A  Brilliant  Enamel. — An  elegant  preparation  for  whitening  the  face  and 
neck  is  made  of  terebinth  of  Mecca,  three  grains;  oil  of  sweet  almonds,  four 
ounces;  spermaceti,  two  drachms;  flour  of  zinc,  one  drachm ;  white  wax, 
two  drachms;  rose-water,  six  drachms.  Mix  in  a  water-bath,  and  melt 
together.  The  harmless  min  nl  white  is  fixed  in  the  pomade,  or  what  we 
would  call  cold  cream,  and  is  applied  with  the  greatest  ease  and  effect.  It 
must  be  to  some  preparation  of  this  subtle  sort  that  the  lustrous  whiteness 
of  certain  much-admired  and  fashionable  complexions  is  due.  It  is  a  cheap 
enamel,  without  the  supposed  necessity  of  baking,  which,  by  the  way,  is 
such  a  blunder  that  I  wonder  people  of  sense  persist  in  speaking  of  it  as  if 
it  could  be  a  fact. —  Ugly  Girl  Papers. 

Freshness  of  the  Skin. — Is  prolonged  by  a  simple  secret,  the  tepid  bath  in 
which  bran  is  stirred,  followed  by  long  friction,  till  the  flesh  fairly  shines. 
This  keeps  the  blood  at  the  surface,  and  has  its  effect  in  warding  off 
wrinkles. 

To  Restore  Suppleness  to  the  Joints. — The  oriental  practice  may  be 
revived  of  anointing  the  body  with  oil.  The  best  sweet-oil  or  oil  of  almonds 
is  used  for  this  purpose,  slightly  perfumed  with  attar  of  roses  or  oil  of  vio- 
lets. The  joints  of  the  knees,  shoulders  and  fingers  are  to  be  oiled  daily, 
and  the  ointment  well  rubbed  into  the  skin,  till  it  leaves  no  gloss.  The 


THE  TOILET.  399 

muscles  of  the  back  feel  a  sensible  relief  from  this  treatment,  especially 
when  strained  with  work,  or  with  carrying  children.  The  anointing  should 
follow  the  bath,  where  the  two  are  taken  together.  It  is  a  pity  this  custom 
has  ever  fallen  into  disuse  among  our  people,  who  need  it  quite  as  much  as 
the  sensuous  Orientals.  Opera-dancers  in  Europe  use  an  ointment  which 
is  thus  given  by  Lola  Montez :  The  fat  of  deer  or  stag,  eight  ounces ;  olive- 
oil,  six  ounces;  virgin  wax,  three  ounces;  white  brandy,  half  a  pint;  musk, 
one  grain;  rose-water,  four  ounces.  The  fat,  oil  and  wax  are  melted 
together,  and  the  rose-water  stirred  into  the  brandy,  after  which  all  are 
beaten  together.  It  is  used  to  give  suppleness  to  the  limbs  in  dancing,  and 
relieves  the  stiffness  ensuing  on  violent  exercise.  Ambergris  would  suit 
modern  taste  better  than  musk  in  preparing  this. —  Ugly  Girl  Papers. 

To  Purify  the  Breath. — Chlorate  of  lime,  seven  drachms ;  vanilla  sugar, 
three  drachms ;  gum-arabic,  five  drachm's — to  be  mixed  with  warm  water  to 
a  stiff  paste,  rolled,  and  cut  into  lozenges.  Madame  Celnart  archly  advises 
all  good  wives  to  let  their  spouses  know  that  these  lozenges  entirely  remove 
the  traces  of  tobacco  in  the  breath. —  Ugly  Girl  Papers. 

Sickly  Odors. — Slight  disorders  of  the  system  make  themselves  known 
by  the  sickly  odor  of  the  perspiration,  quite  sensible  to  others,  though  the 
person  most  interested  is  the  last  to  become  conscious  of  it.  The  least  care, 
even  in  cold  weather,  for  those  who  would  make  their  physical  as  sure  as 
their  moral  purity,  is  to  bathe  with  hot  water  and  soap  twice  a  week  from 
head  to  foot.  Carbolic  toilet  soap  is  the  best  for  common  use,  as  it  heals  and 
removes  all  roughness  and  "breaking  out"  not  of  the  gravest  sort.  The 
slight  unpleasant  odor  of  the  acid  present  soon  disappears  after  washing,  and 
it  may  be  overcome  by  using  a  few  spoonfuls  of  perfume  in  the  water. —  Ugly 
Girl  Paper 

The  Bran  Bath — Is  taken  with  a  peck  of  common  bran,  such  as  is  used 
to  stuff  pincushions,  stirred  into  a  tub  of  warm  water.  The  rubbing  of  the 
scaly  particles  of  the  bran  cleanses  the  skin,  while  the  gluten  in  it  softens 
and  strengthens  the  tissues.  Oat  meal  is  even  better,  as  it  contains  a  small 
amount  of  oil  that  is  good  for  the  skin.  For  susceptible  persons  the  tepid 
bran  bath  is  better  than  the  cold  shower  bath.  The  friction  of  the  loose  bran 
calls  the  circulation  to  the  surface.  In  France  the  bran  is  tied  in  a  bag  for 
the  bath,  but  this  gives  only  the  benefit  of  the  gluten,  not  that  of  the  irrita- 
tion. 

The  frequency  of  the  bath  should  be  determined  after  it  has  been  taken 
for  a  week  or  two,  by  feeling.  Take  the  refreshment  as  often  as  the  system 
desires  it. 

Soft  and  White  Hands. — One  of  the  best  ways  to  make  the  hands  soft 
and  white  is  to  wear  at  night  large  mittens  of  cloth  filled  with  wet  bran  or 
oat  meal,  and  tied  closely  at  the  wrists.  A  lady  who  has  the  finest,  softest 


400  THE  TOILET. 

hands  in  the  country  confessed  that  she  had  a  great  deal  of  house-work  to 
do,  but  kept  them  white  by  wearing  bran  mittens  every  night. 

The  Face. — Pastes  and  poultices  for  the  face  owe  most  of  their  efficacy  to 
the  moisture  which  dissolves  the  old,  coarse  skin,  and  the  protection  they 
afford  from  the  air,  which  allows  the  new  skin  to  form  tender  and  delicate. 
Oat  meal  paste  is  as  efficacious  as  anything,  though  less  agreeable  than  the 
paste  made  with  white  of  egg,  alum  and  rose  water.  The  alum  astringes  the 
flesh,  making  it  firm,  while  the  egg  keeps  it  sufficiently  soft  and  the  rose 
water  perfumes  the  mixture. 

What  are  called  indiscriminately  moth,  mask,  morphew,  and  by  physi- 
cians hepatic  spots,  are  the  sign  of  deep-seated  disease  of  the  liver.  Taraxa- 
cum, the  extract  of  dandelion  root,  is  the  standing  remedy  for  this,  and  the 
usual  prescription  is  a  large  pill  four  nights  in  a  week,  sometimes  for  months. 
To  this  may  be  added  the  use  of  tomatoes,  figs,  mustard  seed,  and  all  seedy 
fruits  and  vegetables,  with  light  broiled  meats,  and  no  bread,  but  that  of 
coarse  flour.  Pastry,  puddings  of  most  sorts  and  fried  food  of  all  kinds  must 
be  dispensed  with  by  persons  having  a  tendency  to  this  disease.  It  may 
take  six  weeks,  or  even  months,  to  make  any  visible  impression  on  either 
the  health  or  the  moth  patches,  but  success  will  come  at  last.  One-third  of 
a  teaspoonful  of  chlorate  of  soda  in  a  wine  glass  of  water,  taken  in  three 
doses,  before  meals,  will  aid  the  recovery  by  neutralizing  morbid  matters  in 
the  stomach.  There  is  no  sure  cosmetic  that  will  reach  the  moth  patches. 
Such  treatment  as  described,  such  exercise  as  is  tempting  in  itself,  and  gay 
society,  will  restore  one  to  conditions  of  health  in  which  the  extinction  of 
these  blotches  is  certain. 

Hair  Restorative. — One  of  the  most  powerful  stimulants  and  restoratives 
for  the  hair  is  the  oil  of  mace.  Those  who  want  something  to  bring  hair  in 
again  are  advised  to  try  it  in  preference  to  cantharides,  which  is  said  to  equal, 
if  not  to  surpass,  without  the  danger  of  the-latter.  A  strong  tincture  for  the 
hair  is  made  by  adding  half  an  ounce  of  the  oil  of  mace  to  a  pint  of  deodor- 
ized alcohol.  Pour  a  spoonful  or  two  into  a  saucer;  dip  a  small,  stiff  brush 
into  it  and  brush  the  hair  smartly,  rubbing  the  tincture  well  into  the  roots. 
On  bald  spots,  if  hair  will  start  at  all,  it  may  be  stimulated  "by  friction  with 
a  piece  of  flannel  till  the  skin  looks  red,  and  rubbing  the  tincture  into  the 
scalp.  This  process  must  be  repeated  three  times  a  day  for  weeks.  When 
the  hair  begins  to  grow  apply  the  tincture  once  a  day  till  the  growth  is  well 
established,  bathing  the  head  in  cold"  water  every  morning,  and  briskly 
brushing  it  to  bring  the  blood  to  the  surface. 

To  Restore  Color  to  the  Hair. — When  the  hair  loses  color  it  may  be 
restored  by  bathing  the  hair  in  a  weak  solution  of  ammonia,  an  even  tea- 
spoonful  of  carbonate  of  ammonia  to  a  quart  of  water,  washing  the  head  with 
a  crash  mitten  and  brushing  the  hair  thoroughly  while  wet.  Bathing  the 


THE  TOILET.  401 

head  in  a  strong  solution  of  rock  salt  is  said  to  restore  gray  hair  in  some 
cases.  Pour  boiling  water  on  rock  salt  in  the.  proportion  of  two  heaping 
tablespoonfuls  to  a  quart  of  water,  and  let  it  stand  till  cold  before  using. 

The  old  specific  of  bear's  grease  for  the  hair  is  hardly  found  now,  and  one 
can  never  be  sure  of  getting  the  real  article ;  but  an  equally  powerful  appli- 
cation is  pure  sperm  oil,  of  the  very  freshest,  finest  quality.  This  forms  the 
basis  of  successful  hair  restoratives,  and  will  not  fail  of  effect  if  used  alone. 
It  is,  however,  procured  in  proper  freshness  only  by  special  importation  from 
the  north  coast  of  Europe. 

Hair  Dye. — In  the  list  of  hair  dyes,  one  agent  has  long  been  overlooked 
which  is  found  in  the  humblest  household.  It  is  too  common  and  humble, 
indeed,  to  excite  confidence  at  first ;  but  it  is  said  that  the  water  in  which 
potatoes  have  been  boiled  with  the  skins  on  forms  a  speedy  and  harmless 
dye  for  the  hair  and  eyebrows.  The  parings  of  potatoes  before  cooking  may 
be  boiled  by  themselves,  and  the  water  strained  off  for  use.  To  apply  it  the 
shoulders  should  be  covered  with  cloths  to  protect  the  dress,  and  a  fine  comb 
dipped  in  the  water  drawn  through  the  hair,  wetting  it  at  each  stroke,  till 
the  head  is  thoroughly  soaked.  Let  the  hair  dry  thoroughly  before  putting 
it  up.  If  the  result  is  not  satisfactory  the  first  time,  repeat  the  wetting  with 
a  sponge,  taking  care  not  to  discolor  the  skin  of  the  brow  and  neck.  Expos- 
ing the  hair  to  the  sun  out  of  doors  will  darken  and  set  the  dye.  No  hesita- 
tion need  be  felt  about  using  this,  for  potato  water  is  a  safe  article  used  in  the 
household  pharmacopoeia  in  a  variety  of  ways.  It  relieves  chilblains  if  the 
feet  are  soaked  in  it  while  the  water  is  hot,  and  it  is  said  to  ease  rheumatic 
gout. 

Corns. — Inquiries  have  been  made  after  a  cure  for  corns.  It  is  not  always 
the  case  that  they  come  from  wearing  tight  shoes.  I  have  seen  troublesome 
ones  produced  by  wearing  a  loose  cloth  shoe  that  rubbed  the  side  of  the  foot. 
It  is  best  always  to  wear  a  snug  fitting  shoe  of  light,  soft  leather,  not  so  tight 
as  to  be  painful  nor  loose  enough  to  allow  the  foot  to  spread.  The  muscles 
are  grateful  for  a  certain  amount  of  compression,  which  helps  them  to  do 
their  work.  Turpentine  may  be  used  both  for  corns  and  bunions.  A  weak 
solution  of  carbolic  acid  will  heal  soft  corns  between  the  toes. 

Full-Blooded  People — Should  not  eat  fat  meat  or  drink  milk.  Fruits, 
vegetables,  lean  meat,  chicken,  oat  meal  and  wheaten  cakes  and  daily  bath- 
ing will  keep  the  complexion  good  and  muscles  strong. 

Developing  the  Chest. — Singing  scales  with  corsets  off,  shoulders  thrown 
back,  lungs  deeply  inflated,  mouth  wide  open,  and  breath  held,  is  the  best 
tuition  for  insuring  that  fullness  to  the  upper  part  of  the  chest  which  gives 
majesty  to  a  figure  even  when  the  bust  is  meagre.  These  scales  should  be 
practiced  half  an  hour  morning  and  afternoon,  gaining  two  ends  at  once—- 
increase of  voice  and  perfection  of  figure!  -* 


402  THE  TOILET. 

Developing  the  Bust. — Every  mother  should  pay  attention  to  this  matter 
before  her  daughters  think  of  such  a  thing  for  themselves,  by  seeing  that 
their  dresses  are  never  in  the  least  contracted  across  the  chest,  and  that  a 
foolish  dressmaker  never  puts  padding  into  their  waists.  The  horrible  cus- 
tom of  wearing  pads  is  the  ruin  of  natural  figures,  by  heating  and  pressing 
down  the  bosom.  This  most  delicate  and  sensitive  part  of  woman's  form 
must  always  be  kept  cool,  and  well  supported  by  a  linen  corset.  The  open- 
worked  ones  are  by  far  the  best,  and  the  compression,  if  any,  should  not  be 
over  the  heart  and  fixed  ribs,  as  it  generally  is,  but  j  ust  at  the  waist,  for  not 
more  than  the  width  of  a  broad  waist-band.  Six  inches  of  thick  coutille 
over  the  heart  and  stomach — those  parts  of  the  body  that  have  most  vital 
heat — must  surely  disorder  them  and  affect  the  bust  as  well.  It  would  be 
better  if  the  coutille  were  over  the  shoulder  or  the  abdomen,  and  the  whale- 
bones of  the  corsets  held  together  by  broad  tapes,  so  that  there  would  be 
less  dressing  over  the  heart,  instead  of  more.  A  low,  deep  bosom,  rather  than 
a  bold  one,  is  a  sign  of  grace  in  a  full-grown  woman,  and  a  full  bust  is 
hardly  admirable  in  an  unmarried  girl.  Her  figure  should  be  all  curves, 
but  slender,  promising  a  fuller  beauty  when  maturity  is  reached.  One  is 
not  fond  of  over  ripe  pears. 

Flat  figures  are  best  dissembled  by  puffed  and  shirred  blouse  waists,  or  by 
corsets  with  a  fine  rattan  run  in  the  top  of  the  bosom  gore,  which  throws  out 
the  fullness  sufficient  to  look  well  in  a  plain  corsage.  Of  all  things,  india- 
rubber  pads  act  most  injuriously  by  constantly  sweating  the  skin,  and  ruin- 
ing the  bust  beyond  hope  of  restoration.  To  improve  its  outlines,  wear  a 
linen  corset  fitting  so  close  at  the  end  of  the  top  gore  as  to  support  the 
besom  well.  For  this  the  corset  must  be  fitted  to  the  skin,  and  worn  next 
the  under  flannel.  Night  and  morning  wash  the  bust  in  the  coldest  water — 
sponging  it  upward,  but  never  down.  The  breasts  should  never  be  touched 
but  with  the  utmost  delicacy,  as  other  treatment  renders  them  weak  and. 
flaccid,  and  not  unfrequently  results  in  cancer.  But  one  thing  is  to  be  sol- 
emnly cautioned,  that  no  human  being — doctor,  nurse,  nor  the  mother  her- 
self— on  any  pretense,  save  in  case  of  accident,  be  allowed  to  touch  a  girl's 
figure.  It  would  be  unnecessary  to  say  this,  were  not  French  and  Irish 
nurses,  especially  old  and  experienced  ones,  sometimes  in  the  habit  of 
stroking  the  figures  of  young  girls  committed  to  their  charge,  with  the  idea 
of  developing  them.  This  is  not  mentioned  from  heresay.  Mothers  cannot 
be  too  careful  how  they  leave  their  children  with  even  well  meaning  ser- 
vants. A  young  girl's  body  is  more  sensitive  than  any  harp  is  to  the  air 
that  plays  upon  it.  Nature — free,  uneducated,  and  direct — responds  to  every 
touch  on  that  seat  of  the  nerves,  the  bosom,  by  an  excitement  that  is  simply 
ruinous  to  a  child's  nervous  system.  This  is  pretty  plain  talking,  but  no 
plainer  than  the  subject  demands.  Girls  are  very  different  in  their  feelings. 


THE  TOILET.  403 

Some  affectionate,  innocent,  hearty  natures  remain  through  their  lives  as 
simple  as  when  they  were  babes  taking  their  bath  under  the  mother's  hands ; 
while  others,  equally  innocent,  but  more  susceptible,  require  to  be  guarded 
and  sheltered  even  from  the  violence  of  a  caress,  as  if  from  contagion  and 
pain. 

Due  attention  to  the  general  health  always  has  its  effects  in  restoring  the 
bust  to  its  roundness.  It  is  a  mistake  that  it  is  irremediably  injured  by 
nursing  children.  A  babe  may  be  taught  not  to  pinch  and  bite  its  mother, 
and  the  exercise  of  a  natural  function  can  injure  her  in  no  way  if  proper  care 
is  taken  to  sustain  the  system  at  the  same  time.  Cold  compresses  of  wet 
linen  worn  over  the  breast  are  very  soothing  and  beneficial,  provided  they 
do  not  strike  a  chill  to  a  weak  chest.  At  the  same  time  a  cincture  should  be 
carefully  adjusted.  Weakness  of  any  kind  affects  the  contour  of  the  figure, 
and  it  is  useless  to  try  to  improve  it  in  any  other  way  than  by  restoring  the 
strength  where  it  is  wanting.  Tepid  sitz  baths  strengthen  the  muscles  of 
the  hips  and  do  away  with  the  dragging  which  injures  the  firmness  of  the 
bosom.  'Bathing  in  water  to  which  ammonia  is  added  strengthens  the  skin, 
but  the  use  of  camphor  to  dry  the  milk  after  weaning  a  child  is  reprehensible. 
No  drying  or  heating  lotions  of  any  kind  should  ever  be  applied  except  in 
illness. —  Ugly  Girl  Papers. 

For  the  Complexion. — If  ladies  will  use  anything,  the  following  are  the 
best  and  most  harmless :  Blanch  one-fourth  pound  best  Jordan  almonds, 
slip  off  the  skin,  mash  in  a  mortar  and  rub  together  with  the  best  white  soap 
for  fifteen  minutes,  adding  gradually  one  quart  rose  water  or  clean,  fresh 
rain  water  may  be  used.  When  the  mixure  looks  like  milk  strain  through 
fine  muslin.  Apply  after  washing  with  a  soft  rag.  To  whiten  the  skin  and 
remove  freckles  and  tan,  bathe  three  times  a  day  in  a  preparation  of  three 
quarts  of  alcohol,  two  ounces  cologne  and  one  of  borax,  in  proportion  of  two 
teaspoons  mixture  to  two  tablespoons  soft  water. 

Cologne  Water — Consists  of  one  quart  alcohol,  three  drachms  oil  laven- 
der, one  drachm  oil  rosemary,  three  drachms  oil  bergamot,  three  drachms 
essence  lemon,  three  drops  oil  cinnamon. 

For  Chapped  Hands,  Face  and  Lips. — Add  ten  drops  carbolic  acid  to 
one  ounce  glycerine,  and  apply  freely  at  night.  Pure  mutton  tallow  is  also 
excellent. 


THE 


ACCEPTANCE— 

Form  Of,  for  formal  note  -          -34 

Form  for                 -          -  -           118 

Sent  by  post       -           -  -                 121 

To  debuts      -           -           -  -             39 

Formal  phrases  in  -                119 

How  addressed  126 
Form  of,  for  children's  parties       -       79 

ANNIVERSARIES— 

Gift  giving  and  gift  taking  -           -     214 

Day  of  retribution  -           215 

Tasteful  decorations   -  -     215 

Silver  weddings     -  -           216 

The  supper         -          -  -           -     216 

After  calls    -  216 

Presents  -          -  -     216 

Every  anniversary          -  -           216 

Fanciful  epochs  -          -     217 

The  paper  wedding          -  -           216 

The  wooden  wedding  -  217 
Odd  invitations      ...           217 

Gifts  of  relatives          -  -          -     217 

The  tin  wedding     -  -           217 

The  crystal  wedding  -  -          -     217 

The  china  wedding          -  -           217 

A  quarter  century       -  -          -     217 

The  golden  wedding         -  -           218 

A  half  century  -          -  -          -     218 

The  diamond  wedding     -  -           218 

The  flush  of  youth      -  -          -     218 

A  serene  old  age     -  218 

Active  years      -          -  -          -     218 

Birthdays  of  children       -  -           218 

The  dainty  feast          -  -          -     218 
Shy  guests    ....           219 

The  twenty-first  birthday  -          -     219 

Ceremony  of  christening  -            219 

The  card  -  -          -     220 

The  forms  for  christening  -           220 

The  christening  breakfast  -          -     221 

The  evening  christening  -           221 

Decorations  and  music  -          -     221 

ARCHERY — 

Refined  sport  276 

Romance  of  the  bow   -  277 

A  woodland  queen          -  -           277 
Health  and  beauty     ...     277 

BOYS— 

Clean    -  25 


BOYS— 

Rude  25 

And  lies        ....  26 

And  tobacco      -           -           -  24 

Clownish      ....  23 

Wild         ...  25 

Bow— 

And  good  breeding          -  65 

The  cool  ---  -       67 

The  familiar           -  66 

The  respectful   -          -  -       06 

To  a  lady       -          -  66 

The  degree  of  cordiality  of    -  -       66 

Neglect  of,  ill-bred          -  -             67 

To  strangers  who  bow          -  67 

While  walking  with  a  lady  -             67 

In  riding  -          -          -  -       67 

BALL,  THE— 

Invitations  for       -           -  117 

Elegant  simplicity  in  dress  -  -      122" 

The  dance,  at          -  123 

Music   for          -          -          -  122 

Joining  escorts       -          -  123 

Manners  on  the  stairs          -  -     124 

Whom  to  escort  to  supper  -           138 

Bill  of  fare          -  -     130 

Confusing  engagements  -  132 
A  refusal  to  dance       ...     133 

Men's  admiration  of  women  -           132 
Mixed  attendance  at  public  balls  -      133 

A  party  within  a  party    -  133 

Large  balls         -          -          -  -      133 

Masters  of  ceremonies     -  -           133 

Introducing  strangers          -  -      133 

Entering  the  ball  room  -  -           133 

BREAKFASTS— 

Literary  men  and        ...      174 

Melons  or  fruit  at  -          -  -            175 
Cooking  hot       ....      175 

The  breakfast  party         -  176 

Formal  breakfasts       -  -     176 

Invitations  to         -  176 

The  eldest  lady  -  -     177 

Forms  of  serving   -  177 

Bills  of  fare        -          -          -  -      177 

Dress  for  gentlemen  at    -  -           179 

Wedding            -  -      179 

BOATING— 

Perils  of  277 


INDEX. 


405 


BOATING — 

Overloading       -          -          -  -277 

Awkwardness         ...  277 

Proper  dress       -          -           -  -     277 

BALLROOM  RULES—          -         -  328 

CHILDREN— 

Of  bickering  families  17 

Hero  worshipers    -  17 

Knightly             ....  ig 

The  pets        -          -          -          -  18 

Innocence  of     -          -          -  -       19 

A  chapter  for          ...  21 

Young  America          -          -  -       21 

Behavior  at  home  -  23 

How  to  treat  each  other        -  23 

How  to  walk           ...  23 

And  tobacco  24 

CHARACTER — 

The  only  real  thing  20 

Strength  of  -          -          -          -  21 

Self  study  of  26 

And  dependence    -  30 

Grows  strong  by  freedom      -  44 

CHILDREN'S  PARTIES— 

Uses  of    -          -          •          -  33 

How  to  plan  for     -  34 

How  to  receive  friends  at  34 

Shy  people  at          ...  34 

Answers  to  invitations  to     -  35 

Dress  for       ....  35 

Behavior  at                  -          -  36 

Company  manners          -          -  37 

Showing  off  at  37 

Praising  dress  at    -          -          -  38 

CARDS  (LADIES')— 

Of  congratulation,  how  left  -  -       95 

How  sent  to  97 

For  guests          -          -          -  -       97 

How  many  cards  may  be  left    -  97 

To  return  calls  in  person       -  98 

To  newly-married  in  other  cities  98 

Exchanged  without  meeting  -       99 

Calls  and      -  87 

Who  calls  first  ••       90 

Of  husband  and  wife        -  89 

Just  after  marriage     -          -  -       89 

Mother's  with  sou's          -          -  92 
"When  gentlemen  may  leave   for 

lady 92 

Left  on  equals  or  elders   -  94 

CAKDS  (GENTLEMEN'S)— 

Etiquette  of                  -          -  74 

Style  of         -  74 

For  married  men         -  -       75 

Separate  of  husband  and  wife  -  75 

For  guests          -          -          -  -       75 

For  first  calls          -  76 

In  the  yearly  calls       -  -       77 

Of  business  and  professional  men  78 

Turning  down   -  77 

Folded  across  the  middle           -  77 

Lustreless  surface  of  -  -       84 

How  to  learn  size  and  shape      -  84 

Name  of  club  on         -          -  -       85 

The  title "  Mr."       -          -  85 

Written 85 

Left  for  host  and  hostess          -  92- 

CARDS— 

For  debutante   -          -          -  41 


CARDS — 
As  acknowledgement  of  courtesies 

to  children  97 

CARDS  (MOURNING)— 

When  sent          -          -          -          -  95 

CARDS- 
IT  se  of      -          -          -          -          -  335 

CARD  BA°KETS—     -  337 

CALLS  (THE  GENTLEMAN'S)— 

Costumes  of                  -          -          -  72 

Cards  for       ....  73 

Invitations  to    -          -          -          -  73 

When  introduced  by  card  or  letter  73 

Style  of  card  for  74 

Neglect  of  after      ...  75 

After  dinner      -          -          -          -  75 

Professional  and  business  men's  78 

Married  men's  -          -          -          -  75 

For  whom  cards  are  left  -  75 

First  call  of  season      -          -          -  76 

Rising  when  ladle  s  enter         -  76 

The  art  of  retiring  gracefully          -  76 

When  other  ladies  enter          -  76 

Taking  leave  76 

Asking  for  mother  or  chaperon  77 

After  first  call  of  season        -          -  77 

After  entertainments       -          -  78 

After  election  to  office          -          -  80 

After  a  bereavement        -          -  80 

To  pay  visits  made  in  person          -  81 

At  hotels      -  81 

When  a  company  is  assembled      -  81 

Cards  for  married  men    -  82 

Dress  for  -----  83 

Dress  for,  at  watering-places    -  83 

On  the  aged  86 

After  wedding        -  80 

After  betrothal  80 

CALLS  (THE  LADIES')— 

When  changmg  residence    -          -  91 

P.  P.  C.          -          -          -          -  91 

When  about  to  be  married  -         -  91 

After  an  absence    -          -          -  91 

On  busines  men        .  -          -          -  64 

On  bereaved  friend          -          -  91 

At  receptions  92 

With  chaperon       -  92 
Mother  whose  son  is  ready  to  enter 

society  92 

After  entertainment        -          -  92 
After  calls  made  by  one  member  of 

the  family  for  all  -          -          -  93 
Card  to  decline  invitations  already 

accepted       -  93 
Upon  guests  at  the  houses  of  stran- 
gers   -----  93 
Rules  at  summer  resorts  -         -  93 
In  England        -          -          -           -  93 
Invitations  and  first 
After  entertainment  -          -          -  94 
On  ladies  who  have  reception  days  94 
Same   day  for  receiving  in  same 

neighborhoods       -          -          -  94 

Reception  day  of  oldest  residents  94 

When  to  name  reception  day         -  94 
First  call  and  reception  day 

On  equals  and  elders  -          -  94 
Elderly  ladies  and  invalids 

"At  home"  to  friends          -  94 

"  Engaged  "  to  formal  callers   -  94 


406 


INDEX. 


CALLS  (THE  LADIES')— 

Those  with  small  visiting  lists  -       95 

In  large  circles       -  95 

Of  condolence  95 

Conversation  of  condolence  at  -  95 

Congratulations  made  by  note  -       95 

After  marriage       •'.."•'-  95 

By  card   -         -          -          -  95 

After  betrothals     ...  96 

After  a  birth  96 

When  not  wishing  admittance  -  96 

Reception  day  96 

After  calls  after  three  days        -  96 

When  no  reception  day         -  -       96 

When  engaged       -  96 

When  visitor  is  admitted     -  96 
After  invitation  from  married 

Only  one  card         -  97 

Send  card  from  carriage       -  -       97 
Use  of  card  in         - 

Cards  when  "  not  at  home "  -       97 
When  not "  first  call " 

Folding  card  down  the  middle  -       97 
Separate  card  for  each  guest 

Three  only  together    -          -  97 
Use  of  salver  for  cards 

Inconvenient  reception  days  -       97 

Calls  and  cards       ...  89 

Neglect  of                     -          -  88 
No  pardon  for  bad  manners 

On  strangers  90 

Without  introduction      -           -  90 

First  calls,  returned  when    -  -       90 

Card  sent  in  return  for    -          -  90 

Rule  for  strangers'       -          -  -       90 

Returning  in  person  by  cards    -  90 

The  host,  and  calls  of  ceremony  -       90 

Ladies  who  leave  cards  for  others  98 

The  first  -          -           -           -  98 

When  to  return      ...  93 

Dress  in  calling          -          -  -       98 

On  intimate  friends          -           -  98 
Exchanged    without   seeing   each 

other  -----  99 

After  summer  vacations          -  99 

Leave  taking     -          -          -  -       99 

Standing  in  draughts  of  doors  -  99 

Mistaken  ideas  of  taking  leave  -       99 
Daughters  leaving  cards  of  their 

mother         -          -          -  -     100 

Memorandum  list  -          -           -  100 

Friendly  visits  -          -          -  -     100 

Company  manners          -           -  100 

Routine  of  life  -          -  -      100 

Long  vis., s  -          -                      -  100 

Outer  wraps  in  -          -           -  -      101 

When  friends  are  about  to  go  out  101 

First  must  be  returned          -  -      101 

Length  of  ceremonies       -          -  101 

Who  shall  make  first          -  -      101 

When  acquaintance  is  not  desired  101 

Importance  of  rules  for         -  -      102 

Large  circles          -  102 

Rules  in  villages          -          -  -     102 

CALLS  (RECEIVING)— 

When  no  reception  day         -  -       96 

When  engaged       -  96 

When  caller  is  admitted       -  96 
Dress  in 

Conversation  in          -         -  98 


CALLS  (RECEIVING)— 

Poor  and  plain             -          -  -       99 

Taking  hand  of  gentleman  -             99 

Shaking  hands  of  ladies       -  -       99 
Young  ladies    and   hand-shaking       99 

Leave-taking  prompt          -  -       99 

Memorandum  list-          -  -           100 

Offering  refreshments          -  -     101 

CALL  (THE  NEW  YEAR'S)— 

The  old  Knickerbocker  custom  -     231 

Enlargement  of  social  circles  -           231 

The  visiting  list          -          -  -     232 

Engraved  cards  of  invitation  -           232 

The  lady  guests          -          -  -     232 

Elaborate  preparations   -  -           232 

Handsome  toilets        -  232 

The  dress  for          -          -  -          236 

New  Year's  card          -  236 

Introducing  a  friend         -  -           236 
Carriages  or  sleighs     - 

Heavy  wrapping   -  237 

Limit  of  -           -           -           -  -      237 

The  basket  237 

Turning  down  card      -  237 

Sending  cards  by  messenger  -           238 

On  clergy  men  and  the  aged  -  -     238 

Indolence  and  cards         -  -           238 

First  year  of  marriage          -  -     238 

Calling  hours  238 

Ihe  evening  of  New  Year's  day  -      239 
Lavishness  of  table 

Grass  eating      -  239 

Wine  drinking       -  239 

Publishing   lists          -          -  -      239 

Ladies'  day  240 

A  choice  repast          -  233 

Receiving  a  -          -          -  - 

Refreshments  offered  -           -  -      233 
The  lunch  room     - 

A  suggestive  bill  of  fare         -  -     233 
A  plainer  entertainment 

Costumes  worn  -           -  233 

Receiving  without  invitations  - 

Hours  of  receiving       -          -  -     234 
In  smaller  circles              - 

Preserving  the  old  customs  -  -      234 

Necessity  for  exclusiveness  -           234 

Admitting  a  caller      -          -  -      234 

The  hostess  235 

Bountiful  lunches       -          -  -     235 

Wines            ....  235 
Intricate  formalities  - 
Companions  i  n  college    - 
Calling  costume          ...      236 

CHURCH  IN— 

A  decent  respect          ...     269 

Unseemly  haste      -  L'<ii> 

Kind  courtesies  to  strangers  -     269 

Snobbishness          -  269 

Little  attentions          -           -  -     269 

COURTSHIP— 

Preliminary  steps       ...      186 

Model  love  letter    -  ls> 

CHRISTENING — 

The  naming  the  child          -  -     223 

CONVERSATION— 

Talkers  and  talking    -          -  -     279 

Often  and  never  long       -  -           279 

Alertness  of  mind       -  279 

Leading  a  social  circle     -      .  -           280 


INDEX. 


407 


CONVERSATION — 

Judicious  cultivation  of  talent  -  280 
Present  and  possible  attainments  280 
Talking  well  a  measure  of  success  -  280 

Makingothers  talk  well  280 

Ease  and  self-possession  -  -  281 
Correct  and  careless  expressions  in 

business        -                      -  -      281 

Language  betrays  social  rank  -  281 

Good  listeners   -  281 

Abusive  expressions        -          -  281 

Brilliant  flashes  of  silence    -  -     281 

Inveterate  talkers            -  281 

Saying  too  little           -          -  -      281 

Expression  in  listening    -           -  282 

Deference  exquisite  praise    -  -     281 

Standing  too  near           -          -  282 

Button-holing  -  -  -  -  282 
Discretion  and  agreeable  talking  282 

Keeping  a  secret          -  282 

The  chronic  gossip          -           -  282 

Hyenas  of  society        -          -  -      282 

Tact  in  conversation  -  -  282 
Outward  semblance  and  inward 

character     -                      -  283 
Seeming  and  being  a  gentleman       283 

Dress  and  personal  appearance  -      283 

Personal  magnetism        -          .  283 

Want  of  neatness         .  283 

Loud  dressing          .  283 

Wit  a  dangerous  gift    -          -  -     283 

Sharp  tongues         -  283 

Censure  and  fault-finding    -  -     284 

A  noble  character           -          -  284 

Sincerity  in  compliment       -  -     284 

Judicious  praise     -          -          -  284 

Admiration  of  beauty          -  -     284 

Crafty  compliments          -          -  285 

Praise  to  the  absent  -  285 
Encouragingthegood  in  character  '285 

Fair  estimate  of  one's  self    -  -     285 

Attractive  qualities  of  people    -  285 

Simplicity  of  manners          -  -     285 

Egotism  in    _          -          -          -  285 

Trivial  personal  happenings  -     285 

Mistakes  of  cultivated  people    -  285 

Women   as  detectives          -  -     286 

Display  of  wealth  286 

Pretending  to  wealth  286 

Talking  about  specialties     -  -     286 

Making   confidents           -           -  286 

Grace  of  tone  and  manner    -  -     286 

Loud  tones    _  286 

Advice                 ...  -     286 

Oratorical  talk  286 

Self-constituted  "lions"       -  -     286 

Affected  eccentricities     -          -  287 

Recalling  preferences  of  friends  -     287 

Friendly  offices  287 

Telling  stories  -  -  -  -  287 
Worn-out  tales  - 

Rank  jokes         -  287 

Clean  man— body  and  soul         -  287 

The  interviewer's  style          -  -     288 
Kindly  questioning 
Display  of  impudence 
Men  "  always  in  the  right " 

Influence  of  women  -  288 
Hospitable  women 

General  social  influence        -  -      288 


CONVERSATION— 

A  neglected  "  sphere  "     -  -           289 

Physical  ailments        -          -  -     289 

Sacrificing  in  trifles          -  .           289 

The  fascinating  rascal          -  -     289 

Aiding  a  hostess     ...  289 

Affection  of  reserve     -  290 

Diflldence  and  silence  290 

Errors  of  the  home  circle      -  -     290 

Pronunciation        ...  290 
Slang         -           -          ...      291 

Stilted   style  291 

Elegance  of  simplicity          -  -     291 

Straining  after  effect  291 

Extempore    speaking           -  -     292 

Trivial  personal  matters  -           292 

The  world's  serious  work     -  -     292 

Suggestive  books    ...  292 

New   ideas          ...  -     292 

The  proper  mental  attitude  -           293 

Invention  and  discovery       -  -     293 

Education  of  the  eyes  293 

Mental  laziness           -  293 

A  low,  sweet  voice          -  -           294 

Christian  names          -          -  -     294 

Familiarity              -          -  -           294 

Errors  of  speech          -          -  -     294 

CHILDREN  AND  PARTIES — 

DEBUTANTE — 

Dress  for  -----       40 

Dancing        -  40 

Age  of  40 

Discretion  of  40 

Maturity  of  40 

First  partner  of       -  42 
Chaperon  for      - 
After  calls  on 

Receive  calls,  how       -          -  -       43 
Form  of  card  for     - 

In  Europe           ...  -       43 

DEBUT,  THE— 

A   party   compliment           -  38 
Preparations  for     - 

Refreshments  for          -  39 

Dress  for       -          -          -  -             "0 

Demeanor  at                 -          -  39 

When  invitations  to  are  issued  - 

Forms  of  invitations  to  -       41 
Directions  for  reception   - 

Directions  for  supper          -  42 

Directions  for  dancing  room  -             42 

After  calls          ...  43 

DANCING — 

Girls  taught        _          ...       48 

At  reception            -  109 

At  a  party          -          -  -     121 
Scruples  against     - 

Round  and  quadrilles          -  -      122 

DRESS— 
In  calling 
For   reception  days 

For  gentlemen  at  kettle-drums  -      107 

For  ladies  at  kettle-drums  -           107 
Of    gentlemen  at   evening   recep- 
tions       - 

Of  ladies  at  evening  receptions 
Gentlemen's  in  country 
Ladies' for  yachting    -    , 
For  the  ball 

For  waiters  at  dinner         -7  -      155 


408 


INDEX. 


DRESS— 

For  gentlemen  at  dinner     -  -      157 

For  ladies  at  dinner          -           -  157 

For  hostess  at  dinner          -  -     157 

For  host        -  157 

DINNERS  AND  DINING — 

The  intellectual  animal        -  -      140 

The  pleasures  of  the  table          -  140 

Literature  and  cookery         -  -      142 

Women  and  dining          -          -  142 

Old-fashioned  hospitality     -  -      143 
Selection  of  guests 

The  size  of  dining  room  and  table  143 

A  series  of  dinners      -  143 

Grouping  guests     -  144 

Dainty  dishes    -          -          -  -      144 

Invitations  to  144 

In  honor  of  a  stranger          -  -      145 

Form  for  acceptance        -           -  145 

Form  of  regrets          ...  145 

The  lady  and  her  escort          -  146 

Cards  on  the  plates     -  146 

The  menu  card        -  147 

Every-day         ....  147 

Style  in  serving  148 

Fewer  dishes  and  better        -  -     148 

Courses  at    -          -          -          -  147 

The  Russian  mode       ...  143 

The  round  table      -  149 

The  extension  table    -           -  -      149 

Starched  napkins            -          -  149 

Cut  flowers  for  table    -          -  -      149 

The  successive  courses  150 

Wine   drinking           ...  155 

"Shoddy"  display           -          -  151 

Order  of  meats   -          -          -  -      151 

Bill  of  fare    -          -                      -  152 

Menu  for  the  season     -          -  153 

Plain              ....  154 

Plain,  for  the  year       -          -  -     154 

Who  leads  in  155 

Favorite  dishes           ...  155 

Accidents     -          ...  15^ 

Wine  at  dessert           -          -  -      156 

Serving  coffee  in  drawing  room  157 

Taking  leave     -                      -  -      157 

Duties  of  host  and  hostess          -  157 

Late  comers  welcomed          -  -      158 

Dragging      ...          -  159 

Family     -          -           -          -  -      159 

Quiet  self-possession        -           -  160 

Whom  to  serve  first    -          -  -      161 

Pairing  off   -  161 

Ventilation  of  dining  room  -      162 

Tableware     -          -          -           -  162 

Order  and  system  in  kitchen  -      162 

State 162 

Influence  of  women  at          -  -      163 

Smoking  selfishness         -          -  164 

Tone  of  talk       -          -          -  -      166 

Graceful  ways         -          -          -  1(>6 

Advice  to  the  hostess          -  -      167 

The  Abbe  Carson  and  his  story  -  169 

Barbarous  hospitality          -  -      lil 
Impairing  digestion 

Erring  and  fussy  guests        -  -      171 

DRIVING — 

With  a  lady       -           -          -  -     268 
In  the  carriage 

The  descent  from  the  carriage  -     268 


DRIVING— 

The  reins  - 

DRESS,  THE  ART  OF — 

Attractive  exterior     - 

Beauty  and  power 

The  strongest  weapon  of  the  sex    - 

Fitness  and  harmony  in  dress   - 

Plain  women  who  win 

Eloquence  of  bright  eyes 

Beauty  of  age    -  -  -          - 

Delicacy  of  dependence    - 

Sound  bodies     - 

The  American  type 

A  generous  diet 

Bathing  and  beauty 

Ruddy  color  of  health 

Dirt  and  cosmetics 

The  latest  thing          - 

Beauty  of  form       -  -  -    • 

Fitness  in 

In  the  kitchen 

Too  much  finery 

At  church    - 

And  Divine  grace        - 

Bonnets  and  the  hope  of  heaven 

Overdressing  on  the  street 

Errors  in  fashion 

Summer  and  winter 

Hardening  children    - 

Richness  in 


"Company  suits' 
Personal  be 


beauty  in  men 
Advice  about  a  wardrobe 
Blondes  and  brunettes     - 
Tall  and  short  persons 
Stout  people 
The  bonnet        - 
Colors  for  blondes 
Colors  for  brunettes    - 
Advice  in  selecting 
Profusion  of  jewelry    - 
The  ample  apron    - 
Business  women 
Riding  habits          - 
Dinner  toilet     - 

Ball 

In  public  places 

Theaters  and  operas 

Lectures  and  concerts 

Sea  shore  style   of 

Bathing  costumes 

Croquet,  skating  and  archery    - 

Traveling  costumes     - 

Material  for  traveling 

Wardrobe  for  travel    - 

Trunks          - 

Going  abroad     - 

A  traveler's  suggestions  - 

The  bridal          ... 

Material  and  trimming  for 

The  bridesmaid's 

The  widow's 

Guest's,  at  private  mornin 

ding  receptions 
Gentleman's  ball  costume    - 
For  special  occasions 
Gentleman's   evening 
Gentleman's  Sunday  evening  - 
Gentleman's  dinner    - 
Gentleman's  gloves 


wed- 


269 

339 
Kid 
340 
340 
340 
340 
340 
341 
341 
342 
342 
342 
342 
342 
343 
343 
344 
344 
345 
345 
345 
345 
345 
345 
346 
346 
346 
346 
347 
348 
348 
348 
349 
349 
351 
351 
350 
352 
352 
353 
353 
354 
354 
355 
355 
355 
356 
&56 
356 
356 
356 
357 
357 
357 
£57 
35S 
.358 
358 
358 


359 
359 
359 
359 
359 
359 


INDEX. 


409 


DRESS,  THE  ART  OF— 

Gentleman's  garden  party    -  -      360 

Gentleman's  watering  place      -  360 

Bli.nde  men's     -           -           -  -      360 

Brunette  men's       ...  360 

Jewelry  on  men          ...  360 

Riding  suit  360 

Gloves      -          -           -          -  -      360 

The  "swallow-tail"  coat          -  360 

Dress-coat  in  the  morning   -  -      361 

A  well-dressed  woman  as  a  picture  361 

Women  as  street  walkers     -  -      381 

Morning,  for  ladies          -           -  362 

Elderly  ladies'  costumes       -  -      362 

Diamonds     -  362 

Brunettes           -           -          -  -      362 

Blondes         ....  362 

Imitation  lace    -           -           -  -     362 

Too  many  rings      -  362 

The  morning  coiffure          -  -      362 

Walking        -           ...  362 

Visiting  costumes       -  363 

Full   dinner            -          -          -  363 

Ball                      -           -           -  -      363 

Young  ladies  and  jewelry          -  363 

Natural   flowers          -           -  -     363 

Opera             ....  303 

Harmony  of  colors  in          -     •  -      364 

Combination  in      -          -          -  365 

Harmonious  groups    -  -     366 

ETIQUETTE— 

The  value  of       -          ...  7 

The  easiest   road   to   self-culture  10 

Not  effeminate  or  foppish    -  -       12 

Easily  mastered     -  14 

Senseless  law  of                     -  -       72 

Difference  in  cities  and  towns    -  72 

ECONOMY — 

A  duty     -          -          -          -  -       31 

A  charity      -          -          -  31 

Fashionable       --..-.'•  114 

ENTERTAINMENTS— 

Informal             -           -          -  -      113 

Morning  and  afternoon    -          -  113 

Collation  for      -  -      113 

Music   and   amusements          -  113 

Extravagance  of  114 

Money  and  good  taste      -          -  114 

Economy  fashionable          -  -      114 

Costliness  and  coarseness          -  114 

ETIQUETTE    FOR    SMOKERS—  -     327 

FLIRT,  THE— 

The  man  who    -          -          -  -      186 

The  woman  who    -  186 

The  bloom  worn  off    -          -  -      186 

FUNERALS  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS— 

Simplicity          -          -          -  -     224 

Religious  service    -  224 

The  restful  face          -  -      224 

Flowers         -           -  225 

Invitations  to  funeral          -  -      226 

Cards                         -          -          -  226 

The  pall-bearers          -          -  -      226 

Private  burials  226 

The  details         ....  ±><i 

The  sign  of  mourning      -           -  227 

Cards  to  house  or  church      -  -      227 

The  last  leave  226 

Cards  of  condolence    -  226 

Memorial  cards     -  228 


FUNERALS  AND  MOURNING  CUSTOMS — 

The  period  of  mourning        -  -     229 

A  widow's  dress      -           -  230 

Lightening  mourning          -  -     229 
The  gentleman's  badge  of  mourn- 

,.    ing.     •          -          -          -  -      230 

Mourning  cards      -          -          -  230 

FAIRS  AND  FESTIVALS— 

Boisterous  conduct     -          -  -      273 

Articles  for  sale     -  273 

Purchases           -  273 

Ladies  at  the  booths        -          -  273 

Robbing  the  name  of  charity  -     273 

Honesty  and  fairness       -          -  273 

FEEING  SERVANTS —     -  332 

GENTLEMAN— 

The  true  model  -  7 
The  firmness  of  nature  of  -  -  8 
How  to  become  one  -  -  16 
The  code  of  -  -  -  -  18 
How  recognized  -  23 
Steady  assurance  of  -  -  ,  -  46 
Muscle  and  manly  grace  -»7 
Never  absent  minded  -  -  48 
Bowing  to  ladies  -  65 
Lifting  the  hat  65 
Salute  in  riding  or  driving  -  66 
Salute  in  drawing  room  -  66 
Meeting  on  the  street  -  -  66 
Meeting  ladies  64 
Meeting  lady  friend  with  un- 
known escort  -  67 
Meeting  gentlemen  with  un- 
known lady  67 
Meeting  two  gentlemen  one  of 

whom  is  a  friend         -          -  *  67 

Duty  to  accept  recognition    -  67 

Salute  of  formal  acquaintances  67 

Simultaneous  recognition          -  67 

Calling  hours  for          -          -  -       72 

Calling  on  sick       -  82 

Turning  down  cards    -          -  -       82 

Cards  of  husband  and  wife        -  82 

Father's  card  82 

Dress  in  calling     -  83 

Style  of  visiting  cards            -  -       84 

Awkwardness  in  calling            -  7fi 

Number  of  cards  left  -          -  -       77 

Calls  on  intimate  friend  -  79 

Guests  of  clubs  -          -          -  -       79 

Calling  customs  of  70 
When  introduced  by  card  or  letter        73 

Style  of  card  for      ...  74 

Manners  in  calling     -          -  -       76 

Manners  at  table   -  147 

When  full  dress  is  not  worn  -      107 

And  refreshments  at  receptions  111 

Dress  of  at  evening  receptions  -      111 

Dress  in  country    -          -          -  113 

Young,  at  evening  parties    -  117 

Young,  and  late  hours     -  117 

Loungers  in  ball  room          -  -      128 

"Wall-flowers"  at  balls  -          -  128 

How  to  ask  a  lady  to  dance  -  -      128 

GENTLEMEN,  MANNERS  OF — 

Dancing  -           -           -           -  -      129 

Holding  a  lady's  hand  in  dance  129 
Pump  handles  in  dancing    - 

The  temper  of  women      -        --  129 

Gloves  at  ball  and  supper     -  -     134 


410 


INDEX. 


GENTLEMEN,  MANNERS  OF — 

When  "cornered"            -  -            132 

And  wall-flowers         -          -  -     131 
Remembering   ball   engagements       132 

Introducing  strangers            -  -     133 

Married  adies  at  balls    -  -           133 

At  the  German            -          -  -      135 

Leader  at  German  135 
Batchelor's    opera    and    theatre 

parties          -          -          -  138 

Preparation  for  opera  parties  -           136 

Invitations  to  opera  parties  -      137 

After  the  party       -          -  136 

At  musicals  and  theatricals    -  -     137 

Dress  at  German    -  136 

At  supper           -  138 

Members  of  a  family        -  -           139 

Drinking  wine  at  parties     -  -      139 

"Wine  and  conscience       -  -           155 

Call  after  dinner          -          -  -      157 

Costume  at  breakfasts     -  -           177 

Suppers  given  by                    -  -     183 

Ater  call  in  evening         -  -            179 

GIRLS— 

Style  of  carrying  themselves  -       27 

How  to  be  stylish           -  27 

Self-control  of  27 

Pride  in  gentle  manners  -             27 

Neatness  of  person      -           -  -       28 

How  to  walk          -  28 

Trouble  with  hands  29 

How  to  sit     -          -          -  -             29 

Graceful  lounging       -          -  -       29 

Careless  lounging  -  29 

Limp  and  sickly          -  30 

Honest  work  for    -  30 

Out-door  games          -           -  -       48 

Rude  or  charming          -  -             27 

Business  hints  for        -          -  30 

Spending  money    -  31 

Fair  name  of     -          -          -  31 

Gushing        -  32 

Education  previous  to  debut  -       38 

Prematurely  old     -  38 

Qualifications  for  society      -  -       39 

Sensible  toilet  arts          -  -             40 

Individuality   of  American  -    -       43 

The  wolves  of  society       -  -             43 

Taking  care  of  themselves    -  44 
Virtue  that  comes  of  knowledge         44 

Dangers  to  be  shunned  by    -  44 

GLOVES— 

Origin  of  taking  off  in  hand-shak- 
ing 62 
Not  removed  by  gentlemen  -  70 
At  evening  receptions  -  -  111 
Gentlemen's  at  a  ball  -  -  134 
At  supper  -  134 
At  dinner  -  -  -  -  137 

GIFTS — 

To  whom           -          -  -     329 

Mentioning  337 

GAMES— 

Card-playing     -  335 

HABITS— 

Bad  -       23 

Orderly          -  25 

HOTEL,  THE— 

Ladies  in  traveling     ...      277 

Peculiar  customs   -  278 


HOTEL,  THE — 

Feeing  servants          ...     278 

Manners  at  table  278 

Economy  at                  -          -  -     278 

Comfort  and  money         -  -           278 

Servants             -  277 

The  novice  In  travel         -  -           278 

INNOCENCE— 

Not  virtue  19 

Weakness  of  44 

INTRODUCTIONS — 

Forms   of  52 

Conversation  after          -  52 

Excessive  cordiality  after     -  52 
When  one  party  is  distinguished        53 

To  a  married  lady  at  home  -       53 

Of  one's  self          ...  si 

When  name  is  not  understood  -       53 

Gentlemen   in  traveling  -             54 

In  morning  visits        -  -       55 

Of  strangers           -  55 

When  not  necessary    -          -  -       55 

At   reception          -  110 
For  dance          ....      127 

Demand  recognition        -  127 

To    members    of    a    family  not 

known          -  54 

INTRODUCTION,  LETTERS  OF — 

Letters   of                     -          -  -       56 

Why  unsealed        -  56 

For  a  lady          -  -       57 

Courtesies  called  for        -  -             57 

Introducing  a  lady      -          -  -       58 

INVITATIONS — 

To  children's  parties  -  -       34 

Informal,  to  parties          -  -             34 

Form  of  acceptance     -           -  -       34 

Form  of  regrets      -  35 

Simplicity  in  35 

Envelopes  for  35 

How  directed          -  35 

By  word  of  mouth       -  34 

By  mail         -  34 

Sent  by  hand  34 

To  debut        -  41 

Promptly  answered    -          -  -       79 

How  they  may  be  sent    -  -             79 

Why  only  formal  reply  is  given  -       93 
From  elders           - 

More  complimentary  than  call  -  93 
To  kettle-drums  104 
To  receptions  -  -  -  -  108 
To  garden  parties,  etc.  -  -  114 
Answers  to  informal  -  -  114 
Acceptance  to  evening  parties  -  118 
To  evening  parties  -  117 
Form  of,  for  evening  party  -  117 
Simplicity  of  -  118 
Rude  forms  for  regrets  -  -  119 
After-call  imperative  always  -  120 
Written  upon  visiting  cards  -  120 
Only  to  those  owed  for  social  fa- 
vors -  127 
Requested  for  friend  -  -  133 
To  the  German  135 
Ladies'  opera  party  -  137 
Musicales  - 

When  verbal  not  courteous  -      138 
Informal,  to  formal  parties 

Form  for  a  series  of  dinners  -     145 


INDEX. 


411 


KETTLE-DRUMS— 

Origin  of  the  name      ...  104 

Light  entertainments      -           -  104 

Bill  of  fare          -          -          -          -  104 

A  pretty  caprice      ...  104 

Invitations    for           -          -          -  104 
When  other  ladies  receive  with 

hostess          -  105 

No  after-call  105 

How  ladies  receive  at          -          -  105 

Ladies  who  assist  in  105 

Special  attraction       ...  106 

Not  formal    -  106 

Decoration  of  rooms  -  106 

Suggestions   for  song  and  music  106 
Recitations  at    -          -          -          .106 

LADY— 

The  true  a  model  7 

Described      -                     -          -  9 

Solomon's  perfect  type          -          -  9 

Secret  of  being  a     -  32 

Genius  for  loving         -  32 

LADIES,  MANNERS  OF— 

Homely    -         -          -                    -  45 

Handsome    ...          -  45 

Favor  of  -----  45 

Of  winning  charms          -          -  45 

As  training  of  young  men    -  45 

Conversation  of  45 

Refined     -          -          -          -          -  45 

Gallantry  to  46 

Vain          -----  46 

Praise  agreeable  to  46 

Married,  how  introduced       -  53 

Young,  how  introduced    -          -  53 

Second  meeting           -          -  54 

Hand  shaking         -  54 

Offering  hand  to  gentleman          -  54 

In   traveling            -  54 

Attractions         _          ...  55 

In  need  of  aid          ...  55 
Conversing    with   gentlemen    on 

street  -----  64 

Standing  on  walk   -  64 

Cutting  acquaintance           -  65 

When  permissible  to  ignore      -  65 

When  introduced  to  gentlemen     -  65 

When  may  cut  acquaintance    -  65 

Vulgarities  of  conduct          -          -  65 

How  to  cut  acquaintance          -  65 

Taking  the  hand                     -          -  65 

Rising  to  give  the  band          -  66 

Married  and  hand   shaking          -  66 

Young  and  hand  shaking          -  66 

Saluting  in  ball  room          -  66 

And  finger-tips        -  66 

When  to  offer  the  hand         -  66 

Addressing  inquiry  to  gentleman  66 

Difference  in  appearance      -          -  66 
Bowing  on  promenade 

In  conversation  at  carriage          -  66 

Bows,  means  of  recognition      -  67 

In  England                    ...  67 

In  France      -  67 

Salute  to  intimate  friends     -  68 

And     simultaneous     recognition  67 

Reserved  salutes          -          -          -  67 

Capricious  in  saluting     -          -  67 

When  may  refuse  to  recognize       -  67 

Frigid  salute  of  67 


LADIES,  MANNERS  OF— 
Reserved  but  polite  salute  -  .68 
Salute  tempered  with  dignity  -  68 
The  rules  of  precedence  -  -  68 
Near-sighted  ...  69 
Who  entertain  largely  -  ?A 
Receiving  gentlemen  calling  _  70 
Kissing  in  saluting  -  _  -  71 
Kissing  in  public  -  71 
Married,  may  give  the  hand  -  77 
Young, giving  hand  -  -  77 
When  young  may  receive  gentle- 
men alone  _  77 
When  restraint  is  necessary  -  77 
P.  P.  C,  cards  -  79 
Calls  of  congratulation  _  -  79 
Calls  after  betrothal  is  announced  80 
Calls  after  wedding  -  -  -  80 
Calls  after  bereavement  -  80 
Calls  on  those  who  have  called  in 

person           .         -         -         -  81 

Calls  at  hotels         ...  81 

Over-familiar     -          -          -          -  81 
Married  ladies receivingcalls from 

gentlemen  -  _  -  -  81 
Calling  on  the  sick  -  82 
Turning  down  cards  -  -  82 
Leaving  cards  reception  day  -  82 
Cardsof  husband  and  wife  -  -  82 
Street  and  number  on  card  -  82 
Children  and  dogs  -  83 
Dress  at  evening  reception  -  111 
Dress  at  kettle-drums  -  .  107 
At  receptions  -  ill 
Unattended  at  receptions  -  -  109 
Dress  in  country  -  113 
Dress  in  yachting  -  114 
Young,  at  evening  parties  -  117 
Late  hours  for  -  ...  117 
Recognized,  when  -  -  127 
Right  to  recognize  ball  acquaint- 
ance -----  128 
Cutting  acquaintance  -  -  128 
With  chaperon  -  -  -  128 
The  quadrille  ...  129 
Correcting  dancers  -  129 
Dancing  -  129 
The  round  dance  ...  129 
Conspicuous  couples  -  -  129 
And  boors  -  129 
Trains  and  temper  -  -  129 
Flirting  gentlemen  at  parties  -  13* 
Uncomfortable  impression's  -  132 
Duty  to  free  gentlemen  -  -  132 
Dull  companions  -  132 
Cornering  a  man  ...  132 
Selfish  conduct  132 
Advice  to  young  girls  -  -  132 
A  quick  insight  -  132 
After  the  dance  -  -  -  132 
A  good  memory  of  a  ball  -  132 
Confusing  engagements  -  -  132 
Men's  admiration 

Making  enemies          ...  133 
At  a  public  ball       - 
Guests  who  are  strangers 

Talking  much  and  loud        -          -  133 
Whispering  behind  fan    - 
Social  comforts           -          •     -,  - 

Crossing  a  ball  room       -          -  133 


412 


INDEX. 


LADIES,  MANNERS  OF— 

Married  and  single      -          -  133 
Escorts  home          ... 

Entering  drawing  room        -  -      131 

Entering  ball  room          -  -            134 

Criticising  others         -          -  -      134 

Golden  rule            -          -  -            134 

Taking  leave  at.  party  -     134 

Early  leaving  at  balls  134 

After-call  after  a  ball          -  -      134 

Delayed  after-calls  134 
Profusion  in  thanks  and  regrets    -      135 

At  the  German       ...  135 

Opera  and  theater  parties     -  -      136 
At  bachelor's  opera  parties 

After-calls  for  opera  parties  -      137 
"Who  give  opera  parties 

At  musicalcs  and  theatricals  -      137 

At  authors'  parties          -  -            137 
Dress  at  German         ...     135 
In  party  dressing-rooms 
Dress  at  breakfasts     ...     177 

The  hostess's  signal  to  rise  -           179 

Dress  at  wedding  breakfasts  -      179 

Dress  for  formal  luncheon  -            181 

LUNCHEONS— 

A  lady's  affair  -  179 

The  French  dejeuner         -  -            180 

Form  of  invitation      -           -  180 

Bill  of  fare    -  180 
Sumptuous  table          ...      igl 

Toilet  for  ladies      ...  181 

Engraved  invitations           -  -      181 

Bill  of  fare  for  formal     -  -            132 

Gentlemen  at    -          -          -  -     182 

LOVE  LETTERS— 

Models           -  186 

Perfect  candor  -          -          -  186 

LETTER  WRITING — 
Qualifications  for  -  -  -  306 
Etiquette  of  letters  -  -  306 
Paper  and  envelopes  -  -  307 
Long  letters  -  307 
Crossed  letters  307 
The  third  person  -  -  -  307 
Why  add  county  -  -  308 
The  use  of  titles  -  -  -  308 
Abbreviations  -  308 
Punctuation  of  address  -  -  308 
The  stamp  -  310 
Address  with  honorary  titles  -  310 
To  a  cabinet  officer  -  -  310 
To  the  President,  -  -  -  310 
To  a  city  resident  -  310 
Letters  of  introduction  -  -  311 
Sjnt  by  post  in  same  city  -  311 
The  heading  of  a  letter  -  -  312 
The  county  or  number  -  -  312 
Hotels  and  institutions  of  learn- 
ing -  313 
The  address  -  -  -  -  313 
Form  or  address  -  313 
The  salutation 

Leading  words  of  address  -           314 

To  familiar  friends      -          -  -     314 
Various  titles          - 

The  conclusion  of  a  letter     -  -     314 

Business  forms       -  314 

Official  letters    -          -          -  -     315 

To  an  acquaintance          -  -           315 


LETTER  WRITING — 

To  an  intimate  friend     -  -           315 

To  a  relative       -          -          -  -     31(5 

To  married  ladies   -  316 

To  young  ladies          -  316 

Cheerful  letters       -  316 

Letters  in  care  of  others  -  -  316 
Replies  to  notes  - 

1  he  degree  of  friendship  -  -  317 
Proper  address  of  married  women  317 

Unmarried  or  widows          -  -     318 

Confusion  Miss  and  Mrs.  -  318 
How  a  woman  signs  a  business 

letter              -          -          -  -      318 

"Staying  answered"        -  -           318 

Margin  on  left'  -          -          -  -      319 

General  hints          -  319 

Anglo-Saxon  vigor     -  319 

Journalism  as  a  profession  -           320 

Cost  of  prolix  writing          -  -     320 

Friendly        -           ...  321 

Love         -          -          -          -  -      321 

Dignity  in  love       ...  321 

Sacredly  private          -  321 

Corresponding  with  strangers  -           322 

MANNERS — 

Basis  of  -----       11 

Happy  ways  of  doing  things  -             11 

Value  of  women          -  -       12 

What  music  is  to  dancers  -             13 

Among  the  humble  14 

Among  the  learned          -  -             14 

At  home  -  -  -  -  15 
In  Ill-bred  families 

Taught  by  example     -          -  -       17 

Chivalrous  -          -          -  -             18 

Pride  is  graceful          -           -  -       27 

MANNERS  AT  HOME—  332 

MISCELLANEOUS  MANNERS—  -     323 

MANNERS  AT  TABLE—      -  327 

MANNERS  AT  CHURCH—        -  -     331 

MONEY— 

And  girls  27 

Pride  in  27 

Art  of  spending  wisely          -  -       31 

Value  and  power  of          -  -             31 

Lavish  use  of    -          -          -  114 

Music— 

At  kettle-drums          -          -  -      106 

For  the   ball  122 

MUSICALE— 

Difficult  to  manage     -          -  111 

At  summer  resorts          -  -            111 

Programme  for           -          -  112 

Notapriv       concert       -  -           111 

Refreshm         at          -          -  111 

Rooms  for    -          -          -  -            112 

Artists  at           -          -          -  -      113 

How  artists  are  paid        -  -           113 

MARRIAGE,  AFTER — 

Individuality  -      206 

Family   life            -          -  -           206 

Poetry  and  sentiment  -  -  206 
Marriage  a  matter  or  judgment  206 

Husbands  and   lovers          -  -     207 

Character  -  207 
Charity  -----  207 
Confidants  - 

Sacredness  of  home  secrets  -     208 

Prying  women       -  208 


INDEX. 


413 


MARRIAGE,  AFTER— 

Managing  husbands         -  -           208 

Dressing  for  husbands          -  -      2U8 

Scolds  and  slatterns         -  -           208 

Dress  a  source  of  power         -  -      208 

Comfort  and   restfulness  209 

Concealment  of  expenditures  -     209 

Unrefined  conversation  -  -            209 

Trifles  as  disturbers  of  peace  -     209 

A  knightly  man     -  -            210 

Frankness  in  money  matters  -      210 

Judicious  praise     -  210 

Bane  of  boarding  houses       -  -     210 

Duty  without  love          -  -           211 

A  touch  of  heaven       -  -      211 

NEATNESS— 

In  children         -           -           -  -       25 

Of  person       -  28 

In  letters  of  introduction      -  59 

PARTY,  THE  EVENING^- 

Formal  and  ceremonious     -  -      116 

Invitations      ...  117 

•  When  dancing  begins  and  ends  -      121 

Entering  the  drawing  room  -           123 

Conversation     -  124 

Dramatic  recitations       -  124 

Wallflowers       -          -          -  -     125 

Late  arrivals          ...  125 

Young  men  and  late  hours  -  -      126 

Over-crowding  rooms     -  -            127 

"  Dying  for  a  waltz  "    -           -  -      128 

Husband  and  wife          -  128 

Attention  to  ladies      -  129 

Self-control  130 

The  flitting  guest         -          -  -      131 

"Cornering"  a  man         -  -           132 

Selfish  women  -          -          -  -     132 

Escorting  a  lady  home    -  -           134 

Exclusiveness  silly      -          -  -      139 

The  rule  of  abstinence     -  -            136 

The  wife  at  a  party      -          -  -      138 

Exclusiveness         ...  139 

Offering  wine  at  parties         -  -      139 

An  escort  at  dinner          -  -            154 

Soup  at  dinner           -           -  -      155 

Wine  at  dinner  156 

Plate  of  mistress  at  dinner    -  -      156 

Manners  at  dinner  156 
The  French  custom  after  dinner       157 

Dress  for  dinner          -          -  -      157 

The  thoughtful  hostess    -  -           157 

Call  after  a  dinner       -          -  -      157 

Taking  leave  after  dinner  -           157 

PUBLIC  PLACES,  IN— 

Good  manners  in  public       -  -      259 

Traveling  boors      -  259 

The  scramble  for  seats          -  -      260 
The  gentleman  in  charge  of  a  lady       260 

Duties  of  the  lady        -          -  -      260 
Rules  for  a  lady  traveling  alone       260 

The  rights  of  others    -          -  -     261 

The  mask  off          -          -  -           262 

Ladies'  rights    -          -          -  -     262 

Self-reliant  ladies  262 

Presuming  familiarity          -  -      262 

Traveling  by  steamers     -  262 

Ladies  experienced  in  travel  -      262 

Selfishness  in  cars          -  -           262 

Mr.  Pullman's  opinions        -  -      263 

The  palace  car        -  263 


PUBLIC  PLACES,  IN— 

Making  friends      -           -          -  265 

A  stranger's  duty         ...  263 

Meeting  strangers  half  way       -  263 

The  novice  and  his  bundles  -      264 

PICNICS-- 

Individual          -  -     m 

Co-operative           ...  273 

Invitations         -          ...  274 

Provisions  and  carriages          -  274 

Amusements     ....  274 

Real  accomplishments    -          -  274 

Hints  to  picnickers     -  274 

Bills  of  fare                       -          -  275 

Suggestions        ....  274 

Packing  and  cooking       -  275 

PUBLIC  CONVEYANCES—        -  -     330 

PERFUMES— 

Strong      -  -     33» 

REGRETS— 

Formal     -          -          -  -       35 

Iniormal       -  35 

Rude  forms  for           -          -  -      119 

Proper  forms  for    -          -          -  119 

Good  reasons  for          ...  119 

RECEPTION  DAY— 

Named  on  card       ...  90 

Card  left  on                   -           -  94 

After  entertainment        -  96 

Inconvenient  97 

RECEPTIONS— 

Forms  of  invitation  to          -  -      107 

Preparations  for     -           -          -  108 

Waiting  man     -          -          -  -      108 

Dressing  room        -  108 

Cards  of  guests           -  108 

Duties  of  hostess    -  10£ 

Informal  dinners  for  dancers  -      109 

Simplicity  in  refreshments       -  109 

The  after-call     -          -          -  -      110 

RIDING— 

As   a  recreation          ...  267 

A  secure  seat          -          -  267 

The  gentleman's  duty          -  -     267 

Mounting      ...           -  267 

Dangers  to  ladies         ...  267 

Manners  on  the  road        -          -  267 

RIDING  AND  DRIVING —        -  -     330- 

SELF-CONTROL — 

The  basis  of  manners          -  11 
The  source  of  real  power 

The  secret  of  business          -  11 

Lessons  in     -  2& 

Evidence  of  strength  -          -  22 

SOCIETY — 

Entrance  to       -          ...  -       33 

Of  young  people     -          -          -  43 

An  educational  agency          -  -      115 

Foibles  of     -          ...  116 

SALUTE— 

With  cool  civility        ...  65 

In  passing  mourners        -  66 

On  promenade  -  -       66 

Gentleman   and  unknown  lady  67 

After  ball  room  introduction  -       68- 

Precedence  in  recognition         -  67 

Recognition  of  the  eye  in      -  62 

Between    formal    acquaintances  68 

STREET — 

Ladies  who  need   aid          -    ~*  -     265 


414 


INDEX. 


STREET— 

Biding  or  driving  In         -          - 
Gentleman  stopped  by  a  lady 
Conspicuous  ladies          -          - 
Dress  of  ladies    -          -          -          - 
Gentlemen  meeting          -          - 
Gentlemen  meeting  ladies    -          - 
Simultaneous  recognition  on    - 
Recognizing  those  introduced 
Young     recalling   themselves   to 
elders  - 

SALUTATIONS— 
Touchstone  of  good  breeding 
Origin  of 
The  bow  - 

Smoking  and  - 

When  walking  with  a  lady 
In  driving    -          -          -          - 
Young  to  elders          - 
The  prevailing  rule  of     - 
Between     ladies     who    have    ex- 
changed calls  without  meeting 
On  meeting        - 

SUPPERS — 

Gentlemen's  affairs     - 
Poetic  repasts  - 

Men  of  letters  at 
Masculine  gallantry 
The  host's   card          -          - 

SOCIETY  FORMS— 
In  large  cities    -          -          -          - 
In  smaller  circles  - 

Duties  to  society          - 
A  dinner  of  herbs          - 
Satiety  and  dull  forms 

STREET,  ETIQUETTE  OF  THE— 
Ladies  without  escort 
Local   customs   observed 
Drawing  off  the  glove 
Muddy  crossings    - 
Walking  dresses          -          -          - 
Jewelry  on   streets 
A  lady's  manners        - 
Attending   to   her  own   business 
Not  seeing  unpleasant  things         - 
Making  acquaintance  of  strangers 
Taking  a  gentleman's  arm 
The  escort  on  a  crowded  street 
Passing  through  a  crowd          - 
Keeping  step  in  walking 
The  general   rule   of  precedence 
Walking  with  two  gentlemen 
A  ladies'  packages 
Imposing  on  gallantry 
Public  flirtation     - 
Liberty  not  license     .          .          . 
Bold  coquetries       - 
The  bold,  free  eye         - 
The  fast  school  of  girls     - 

STUDIO  OF  AN  ARTIST — 
Galleries  of  art  - 

Manners   in 
Keen  critics       - 

SHOPPING —    - 

TEAS— 

English  "High tea"  - 
New  England  tea  parties 
The  table  at 
Flowers   and   fruit 
Chatting  over  cups      - 


TEAS— 

66                 Invitations        -          -          -  -     182 

66  THEATRE,  CONCERT  AND  OPERA— 

65  Shy  young  men            -          -  -     271 

66  Invitations  to  ladies  271 

67  Directness  always  wise         -  -     271 
67                 Beserved  seats        -  271 

67  The  escort's  duty         -          -  -      271 
69                 Bules  of  conduct  272 

Carriage              -          -          -  -     272 

69                  The    libretto  272 

The  extravagance  of  a  carriage  -     272 

60  TOILET,  THE— 

61  Neatness            -          -          -  -      368 

62  Putting  friends  to  the  blush      -  368 

63  Health  and  beauty     -          -  -     368 

64  The  bath  and  health         -          -  368 
64                 The   bath   room          -          -  -     368 
69                 The  air  bath          ...  309 

68  The  care  of  the  teeth    -         -  -     369 
Taint  of  smoking  -  369 

99                 The  toothpick    -          -          -  -     369 

100                 A  clear  skin          ...  369 
Freckles  -----      370 

183                  Moles              -           ...  370 
183                 Tan  and  sunburn         ...      370 

183                 The  beauty  of  the  eyes  370 

183                 The  care  of  the  eyes    -          -  -      370 

183  Eyebrows     -  371 
Dyeing  eyebrows         -          -  -     371 

184  Eyelashes     -          ...  371 
184                 Care  of  the  hair          -          -  -     371 
184                 Tugging  at  the  roots  371 
184                 Use  of  oil          -          -          -  -      372 
184                Secret  dyes  and  preparations   -  372 

Dressing  the  hair         ...     372 

264                 Dyeing  the  hair     -          -          -  372 

264                 Musicians  and  artists          -  -     373 

264                 A  perfect  hand  373 

264  Tan  and  sunburn         ...     373 

265  Moist  hands  374 
265                 Gloves  for  out-door  work      -  -      374 
265                 Bondage   of  shoes           -          -  374 
265                 Misshapen    feet           -          -  -      374 
265                 The  French  lady's  query          -  374 
265                 Wet  feet  and  cold        -          -  -      374 
265                 Proper  shoes  374 

265  Perfumes,  how  to  make        -  -     375 

266  Tincture  of  roses  375 
266                  Pot-pourri          -           -           -  -      375 
266                 Warts  and  flesh  worms    -          -  375 
268                 Stains  on  hands          -          -  -     376 
266                 Boston  Burnet  powder    -          -  376 
266                 Wrinkles  and  discolorations  -      376 
268                 Sunburn   and   chilblains          -  376 
266                 Bandoline  and  rosewater      -  -     376 
266                 Lip  salve       ....  373 

266  Mask  for  rough  skin    -  :-;77 

267  Iten  and  chapped  lips       -          -  377 
Black  teeth        -          -          -  -      377 

270                  Pomatum     -  377 

270                  A  tight  ring       -           -          -  -      377 

270                 Tight  stoppers  fT78 
329                 Cleaning  jewelry 

Darkening  faded  hair      -          -  378 

182                 Curling  hair      -          -          -  -      JT78 

182                  Cold  cream   -  :78 

1S2                 Camphor  ice      ...  -      378 

182                 Furs  in  summer  379 

182                Burned  kid  shoes        -          -  -     379 


INDEX. 


415 


TOILET,  THE — 

Chosingsilk       -          -          •  -     379 
Stains  on  silk  or  linen     - 

Kid  boots  and  gloves          -  -      379 

Valenciennes  lace            -          -  380 

Silk  handkerchiefs  and  dresses  -     380 

Lace  ruching                      -          -  381 

Washed  thread  lace    -          -  -     381 
Pressing  satin         - 

Cleaning  dresses          -          -  -     382 
Tonics  for  the  hair 

Use  of  glycerine          ...  384 

How  to  secure  fine  figure         -  384 

How  to  walk      -  -     384 

Chillness  384 

Coarse  skin        -          ...  386 

To  sweeten  the  breath  386 

Bright  eyes        -           ...  386 
Redundant  hair     - 

Red    hair            -          ...  388 

Freckles        -  389 

Face  powder     -         -          -  -     389 

Painting       -  390 

Clear  complexion        ...  391 
Cosmetic  gloves                - 

To  reduce  fat     -          -          -  -      394 

Diet  and  beauty     ...  394 

The  finger  nails          -          -  -     396 
Eruptions  caused  by  heat 

A  beautiful  enamel      -          -  -     398 

A  beautiful  face  400 

Developing  the  chest           -  -     401 

Developing  the  bust         -          -  402 

For  the  complexion                -  403 

THEATRE  AND  CONCERT,  THE—  332 

VIRTUE — 

Not  innocence  -          -          -  -       19 

Not  growth  of  chaperonage        -  43 

Comes  with  knowledge          -  -       19 

VISITS—  _ 

WALKING — 

Instructions   in  28 

Salute  on  street  when  with  lady  64 
Salute  when  walking  across  dining 

room                         -          -  -       64 

With  ladies   .          ...  329 

WEDDING  DAY,  THE — 

As  a  spectacle     -  185 

Poetic  grace  and  charm  185 

The  dress  of  the  bride          -  -     186 

Courtship      -  186 

Model  love  letters        -         -  -     186 

The  woman  who  flrts  186 

The  man  who  flirts      -          -  -     186 

Broken-hearted  men  186 

Virginal  freshness       -          -  186 
Keeping  secrets  sacredly 

Checking  a  lover's  ardor       -  -     187 

How  to  keep  a  lover  a  friend     -  187 

Dangers  of  friendships          -  -     188 
The  wise  lover        . 

Good  breeding  and  haste      -  -     188 
Love  and  marriage 

Marriage,  love  and  happiness  -     188 
Faithfulness  and  respect 

The  non-committal  man       _  -     188 

Cruel  and  cowardly  attentions  188 

The  heart  speaks          .          .  .189 
The  letters  of  avowal 

Personal  interview     .  189 


WEDDING  DAY,  THE— 
Awkward  confessions  -  -  189 
Form  of  reply  -  -  -  -  189 
Consulting  parents  -  -  189 
Lovers'  quarrels  -  190 
Public  display  of  affection  -  190 
Delicate  and  loving  watchfulness  190 
The  parents'  approval  -  -  190 
The  lover's  resources  -  -  190 
Inherited  wealth  -  -  -  190 
The  engagement  ring  -  -  191 
Flowers  as  gifts  -  -  -191 
Discretion  of  American  girls  -  192 
Maidenly  reserve  -  192 
Self-restraint  192 
The  stages  of  courtship  -  -192 
Reserve  in  private  -  .  192 
Ostentations  in  public  -  -  192 
Announcing  an  engagement  -  192 
Breaking  an  engagement  -  -  193 
Firmness  is  kindness  -  -  198 
Letters  and  gifts  -  -  .193 
The  wedding  trosseau  -  -  193 
Superior  wealth  -  -  -  193 
The  chief  attractions  of  the  bride  194 
Dress  enhancing  beauty  -  -  194 
Taste,  not  cost,  the  test  -  -  194 
The  approved  costume  -  194 
The  wedding  cards  194 
The  form  of  invitations  -  -  194 
The  form  for  intimate  friends  -  194 
Admission  to  church  -  -  195 
A  master  of  ceremonies  -  -  195 
The  idle  curious  -  -  -  195 
Morning  weddings  -  -  195 
Invitations  to  reception  -  -  195 
The  invitation  a  command  -  196 
Private  marriage  -  196 
Form  of  card  for  private  marriage  196 
Announcement  of  private  mar- 
riage -  196 
The  return  from  wedding  trip  -  197 
Afternoon  reception  -  -  197 
Form  of  invitation  -  -  -  197 
Marriage  during  mourning  -  197 
The  bride  after  invitations  are  out  197 
The  groom's  costume  -  -  197 
The  groomsmen  -  197 
Private  rehearsal  -  -  198 
Ceremony  at  church  -  -  198 
The  bridal  party  -  -  -  198 
Seating  guests  _  -  198 
The  white  ribbon  .  -  -  198 
The  usher's  bouquet  199 
The  New  York  wedding  -  -  199 
The  use  of  the  ring  199 
The  bridal  veil  -  .  -  -  199 
Kissing  the  bride  199 
The  religious  ceremony  -  -  199 
Congratulations  ...  199 
The  procession  homeward  -  .  200 
Old  traditions  -  -  -  200 
The  latest  form  of  public  wedding  200 
The  little  fairies  -  .  -  201 
A  path  strewn  with  roses  -  201 
Fanciful  devices  -  .  -  201 
Wedding  at  home  -  .  201 
The  white  dove  -  .  .201 
Offering  congratulations 
Evening  weddings  -  -  -  202 


416 


INDEX. 


WEDDING  DAY,  THE— 

Noon   weddings           -  202 

The  departure        -  202 

Bridal  gifts         -          -          •  -     202 

Parading   presents  202 
Sending  flowers          ...     203 

Useful   gifts            ...  203 

The  after^call  -     203 

A  quiet  honeymoon         -  -           203 

The  "at  home"  cards          -  -     203 

Limitations  of  hospitality  -           203 

Dropping  old  acquaintances  -     203 

Duties  of  bridegroom       -  -           204 

The  return  of  the  wedding    -  -     204 

The  widow's  marriage     -  -           204 

WEDDINGS  AT—          -         -  -     332 

WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE— 

Official  etiquette          -          -  -     241 

Republican  society          -  -           241 

Reflected  dignity         -          -  -     241 

Social  entanglements       -  -           242 

Confusion  and  embarrassment  -     242 
History  of  Washington  etiquette       242 

Republican  court        -        .  -  -    .243 

Honors  to  office  243 

President's  precedence          -  -      243 
How  the   President  is  addressed       243 

Calling  at  the  White  House  -     243 

Stated  receptions   -  244 

Dress  in  public                       -  -     244 

Invitation  a  command    -  -           244 

State  dinners     -          -          -  -     244 

Wives  of  Cabinet  officers  -           245 

Reception  of  Cabinet  officers  -     245 

The  President's  wife  245 
The  society  season       ...     245 

Visiting  hours        -          -  -           245 

New  Year's  day          -  245 

The   Chief-Justice           -  -           246 

The  Vice-President     -          -  -     246 

The  Speaker  of  the  House  -          246 

General  and  Admiral          -  -     246 

The  lesser  lights  246 

Contested  points          -          -  -     247 

The  Senator's  claim         -  -   '        247 

The  social  agitators     -          -  -     247 

Returning  calls  by  cards  -           248 

A  good  rule        -          -          -  -     248 

Crowded  receptions          -  -           248 

Diplomatic  precedence          -  -     249 

A  womanly  appeal          -  -           249 

Promoting   good-will            -  -     250 

The  climax  of  civilization  -           250 


WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE— 

Dinners  in  Washington       -  -     250 

Officers  in  uniform          -  251 

Of  dinners          -          -          -  -     251 

Washington  caterer         -  252 

The  bill  of  fare          -          -  -      252 

Qulity  and  not  quantity  -           252 

Wine   drinking           -          -  -     252 

Social  tyranny       -  253 

The  graceful  hostess   -          -  -     253 

The  after-dinner  hour     -  253 

The  old  families           -          -  -     253 

Taking  leave          ...  253 

The  smokers      -          -          -  -     253 

A   reception            -  254 

The  awkward  usher    -          -  -     254 
The  very  aged         ... 

Right  and  filial  courtesy       -  -     254 

Making  visits         -  254 

The  invitation  -          -          -  -     254 

Private   life            -          -  -           255 

Tyranny  of  young  people      -  -     255 
Receiving  standing  New   Year's 

day     -----     256 
Refreshments  at  reception 

How  rank  is  written           -  -     256 
Ceremonious  notes 

Thomas  Jefferson's  rule        -  -     257 

WATCH— 

Looking  at         -  -     337 

YOUNG  MEN— 

In  society  44 
Education   abroad 

Favor  of  women  for    -          -  -       45 

Self-conscience       -  45 

A  homely  woman        -          -  45 

Gallantry  toward  women  -             46 

Discreet   compliments          -  -       46 

Intercourse  with  older  men  -             46 

Modesty  and  bashfulness      -  46 

Steady  assurance  -  48 

Cause  of  bashfulness  -  -       46 

Ease  in  society       ...  46 

Study   of  books          -  46 
Temptation  to  affectation 
Imitating  weakness  of  great  men         47 

Imitate  elegant  manners      -  47 

Physical  education          -  47 

Art  of  self-defense  47 
Truthfulness           ... 

Self-command  -          -  .  48 

Affectation  of  abstraction  -             48 
Alert        -----       48 

Hints  on  little  attentions  -            48 


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